I feel like I can't be strong anymore

[Rowiehz]

Before saying anything, I just want to mention the following will discuss the troubles of health issues. Just in case someone is not comfortable reading such things.
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Alright, so, I'll try to keep this as short as possible. Knowing myself, that's really hard. But as the title says, I feel like I can't be strong anymore. And I'm not sure what to do anymore, or if I even have hope left of an improved future.

When I was thirteen years old, I suddenly began having severe stomach and bowel pains. Knowing something was off, I went to the doctor, who concluded nothing was actually wrong because they couldn't find anything and sent me back home. This repeated over many years and I was forced to live with these torturous pains and nausea as part of my daily life.

Surprisingly, I still did super well in classes and the whole issue, as present as it was, was pushed down the priority list. I began to think this was just in my head rather than reality. Otherwise they'd discover what the issue was, right?

Until I was 23 years old and on vacation in Austria. One day I just dropped off the bike out of nowhere. No blackout, no warning, nothing. Just dropped like a sack. My boyfriend was super worried and told me something was seriously wrong while I was trying my best to climb back onto the bike and head home. It was impossible. And that should've been the warning to me, but I didn't realize it yet.

Two days later I could do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I didn't have energy for nothing and even breathing made me exhausted to the bone. It was a very terrifying time. I just spent the next day in bed, not eating and not doing anything.

To keep the following short; I was brought to a trustworthy alternative doctor who did a ton of tests on me, my blood, etc. She wanted to test the values in my blood and the condition of my stomach and bowels.

A week later there was a pile of papers on the table explaining what was wrong with me. My stomach and bowels were pretty much destroyed on the inside. Invested by a bacterial overgrowth that claimed every nutrients and vitamins I got via food for itself, leaving none for my body. This apparently formed ten years ago, and only because it was there for so long was I progressively becoming worse.

My blood values were in the worst possible state, and the doctor told me if I didn't throw my life around I wouldn't live to witness 2015 and I'd slip away during my sleep eventually. A gigantic and long lasting medical treatment was given to me, plus three diets. The food I was allowed to eat was countable on two hands. I also spent too many times hooked on blood infusions and the amount of medication I had to take was insane.

But above all, I was relieved. Something was wrong. It wasn't just me imagining things. So I battled this head on. I turned everything around that same day. The following months were the worst of my life. I was a skeleton, suffered symptoms that addicts suffer from because of the sudden change of diet. But after half a year I could see the colors around me again, literally. And things were slowly improving. I had no stomach and bowel pain anymore and I can actually go outside without being terrified of pain hindering me.

Right now, I'm doing really good. I work and go to school again without being exhausted or in pain and I just feel so much better in general. I was so overly happy and relieved I managed to overcome this.

But then my mother's chronic illness took a turn to the worst. In just a few days, she went from a strong, hard working woman to someone who needs to depend on others for her to get around.

My mother has Multiple Sclirose. She's had it as long as I live, but it never got worse until a year ago. Instead of looking after myself, I now have to take care of her. She's severely depressed and often reflects that onto me and my father, who are trying our best to be there for her when we can. And while I know she's depressed, I sometimes allow it to get the best of me and snap at her in return. And feel bad for it afterwards, because I always tell myself not to do that.

Because the truth is she could be gone in a week if things go wrong again. Maybe in a month, a year. And this is terrifying me. I want to take care of my own health, because right now it is getting worse again, and the pains are returning, but she needs me too.

Thing is, I feel I can't be strong anymore. All of this is overwhelming me and I'm ready to throw the towel into the ring. I don't know if I can go through another period of me having my own health issues again, to have all that pain and complications again. But if I do try my best to take care of myself, my mother won't be getting the attention and help she needs to get around.

At this point I wonder if I can ever have a moment without struggles, pain (both mentally and physically) in my life, because I'm so exhausted. I don't think I can fight these situations anymore. Just in case anyone suspects this: I'm not suicidal, don't worry.

I just wonder if anyone else has found themselves in a situation like this? And what have you done to keep yourself going? I feel I should get my joy and motivation out of the little things around me, but I can't even spot them anymore because all I do is worry.

Sorry for the super long post, but it's taken me very long to even think of sharing this openly. And I thank everyone who read through this to the end.

My apologies if this isn't the place to post something like this. I wasn't sure if it would belong in here or in Serious Discussions.

Edited May 27, 2016 by Rowiehz

[Rezzy]

Did you have an abdominal abscess or was there unhealthy bacteria colonizing your digestive tract? Was it bacteria or worms? Did you have an immune compromise that allowed the latent infection to flare back up?

EDIT: I don't mean to come across as insensitive, I just have a medical background and am genuinely curious.

Edited May 28, 2016 by Rezzy

[Raven]

I'm no doctor, so the only advice I can give is that you return to the doctor that helped you and explain everything to him, and maybe he can help you - whether it's a further change in diet or lifestyle, or both.

[EricaofRenais]

What Raven said, it sounds like you found a good doc and you should go back to them. Trust me I was forced to go to a very bad doctor who didn't give a dang for years until I broke down crying and made my mom take me to another doctor who actually cares and has made it so I am living a healthy life now. I would also highly recommend that you ask your doc if they could recommend some type of counseling for you because dealing with your and your mom's illnesses is going to be very hard and talking to someone who can help you deal with the stress that comes with it will be a big help.

[Moonstone]

I've never been in that situation before, but in my job I meet a lot of people in similar situations. Other than what the others have already said, I just want to add this:

Take it easy, don't push yourself. Try to find leisurely that you enjoy doing. I know you feel like you need to be there for your mother, and I think that as a family you all should stick together and help each other the best you can. Yes, it's easy to get stressed and snap, but try to talk to her after any snap and apologize. From the way you're talking, it sounds like either of you could pass, and it would be better to at least go on good terms.

I don't know what else to say other than to do the best you can do every day, and don't try to compare your life to others. If your goal for the day is to get up in the morning and take a shower and you do it, then by god that's an accomplishment and a step in the right direction.

I hope your strength returns OP. But I think now is a time for you to let loose the reigns and regain what strength you have little by little.

[Rowiehz]

Did you have an abdominal abscess or was there unhealthy bacteria colonizing your digestive tract? Was it bacteria or worms? Did you have an immune compromise that allowed the latent infection to flare back up?

EDIT: I don't mean to come across as insensitive, I just have a medical background and am genuinely curious.

There was unhealthy bacteria colonizing my stomach and bowels. I'm pretty sure it wasn't worms, otherwise the doctors would've told me. As far as I know there's nothing with my immune system, I do work at a hospital where there's things that could cause a immune compromise, but the past tests never revealed anything of the sort being present in me.

I took medication to try and get rid of the bacteria- which took quite a while and dedication. I maybe fear that around the point I stopped with it, there might've been a small bit of bacteria left after all.

And no worries! I don't think you're being insensitive, I just need a moment to try and explain this the best I can, is all.

I'm no doctor, so the only advice I can give is that you return to the doctor that helped you and explain everything to him, and maybe he can help you - whether it's a further change in diet or lifestyle, or both.

Yep! And I have a visit planned. Only problem, this doctor is located in Austria where my boyfriend lives (we discovered my health issues when I was on vacation there) so unfortunately I can't just go and visit whenever there are problems. The soonest I can go is between July 15-20th. I've looked for a similar doctor in my country, but I have yet to find one that doesn't try to convince me that I never had health issues to begin with (like, seriously?)

I've considered going back to my strict diets again, so I think I'll just do that and see if that improves anything!

What Raven said, it sounds like you found a good doc and you should go back to them. Trust me I was forced to go to a very bad doctor who didn't give a dang for years until I broke down crying and made my mom take me to another doctor who actually cares and has made it so I am living a healthy life now. I would also highly recommend that you ask your doc if they could recommend some type of counseling for you because dealing with your and your mom's illnesses is going to be very hard and talking to someone who can help you deal with the stress that comes with it will be a big help.

I've had counseling in relation to my mom's illness because I knew it was going to get only worse. The problem is that my parents are too stubborn to actually take counseling for the sake of the family. Mom thinks everyone needs to tend to her worries and needs all day long because she's chronically ill and my dad thinks she's overreact and avoids counseling like crazy. Those two conflict like crazy, and often I have to get in between to even get them to calm down.

It's getting a tad better since she's on antidepressants, but the atmosphere in the house is crazy. I constantly have to analyze any action or word my mom does or say, because she refuses to be direct and ask for something because she wants us to notice when she's in need for something. Really bad communication, and it makes me crazy having to analyze everything she does.

I've never been in that situation before, but in my job I meet a lot of people in similar situations. Other than what the others have already said, I just want to add this:

Take it easy, don't push yourself. Try to find leisurely that you enjoy doing. I know you feel like you need to be there for your mother, and I think that as a family you all should stick together and help each other the best you can. Yes, it's easy to get stressed and snap, but try to talk to her after any snap and apologize. From the way you're talking, it sounds like either of you could pass, and it would be better to at least go on good terms.

I don't know what else to say other than to do the best you can do every day, and don't try to compare your life to others. If your goal for the day is to get up in the morning and take a shower and you do it, then by god that's an accomplishment and a step in the right direction.

I hope your strength returns OP. But I think now is a time for you to let loose the reigns and regain what strength you have little by little.

I'll be honest, I really needed to hear that. Throughout the week I go to school and work for actual clients, in my weekends I work at the hospital and the rest of my little spare time I'm not sure what to do if it's not keeping an eye on my mother or trying to give attention to my friends and boyfriend (I fear people will leave me if I don't do this regularly) because I have so little time to do so as it is. I hardly keep any spare time for myself and I think that's slowly getting to me.

I'm not sure how I'll loosen the reins and regain my strength, but I'll try to find out. I guess I'm pushing myself too much and it's time to try and take a step back.

[Rezzy]

There was unhealthy bacteria colonizing my stomach and bowels. I'm pretty sure it wasn't worms, otherwise the doctors would've told me. As far as I know there's nothing with my immune system, I do work at a hospital where there's things that could cause a immune compromise, but the past tests never revealed anything of the sort being present in me.

I took medication to try and get rid of the bacteria- which took quite a while and dedication. I maybe fear that around the point I stopped with it, there might've been a small bit of bacteria left after all.

And no worries! I don't think you're being insensitive, I just need a moment to try and explain this the best I can, is all.

It may sound gross, but I've actually read about fecal transplants for restoring healthy flora in the bowels. Although, that is mostly for C. diff, so I'm not sure if it would apply in your case.

[Femblemism]

just to echo all the support from everyone else, my most helpful advice is just keep on focusing on the positive! thats what i do and even when life keeps putting you down, always remember to get back up.

[Moblin Major General]

I know about wanting to delay seeking treatment for something that isn't right. I've started to have issues with my back (there is a family history of EDS), and I want to see a rheumatologist about it, but at the same time, I don't want to have to be diagnosed with EDS, because that means having to go on disability, which cripples any chance of getting any worthwhile job, and that my 46 year old mother is also suffering from it, with side effects like scoliosis, possibly club foot, balance issues, fibromyalgia, and syringomyelia. She's been wheelchair-bound several times in the last few years (the last time was from a broken leg because of a random fall.) She gets around right now, but she probably won't survive until I'm her age.

[Sigtryggr]

My mother also suffers from MS. She's been dealing with it since she was in her twenties, but like your mother it didn't really manifest until she hit her 50s. I worry about her every day.

That being said, I know what's it's like to want to give up. My life feels like it's so far out of my hands, and that I'm utterly powerless to help the people I really care about. I don't have a lot of words of encouragement, because I haven't stopped feeling this way in over three years. But I can say it does help to talk about it. Letting someone know, even if they're a thousand miles away, that you're in pain and you don't know how to deal with it can help.

[Excellen Browning]

I'm gonna say some harsh things.

The only person you have a real obligation to, is you. The way things are going in your family now will only lead to destruction. This is obvious truth. Having to care for your mother is destroying you and your father, irregardless of your own complications. Regardless of how bad things are with your mother, you are not responsible for her to the point where you have to or should care for her so much you can't live your own life anymore.

Simply put, its time for professional care to take over for you and your father. This is the only course of action that doesn't lead to an eventual meltdown, neglect, or death by fault.