Advice on Being Taken Advantage of By a Former Friend (Long Post)

[Sir Morganson]

Hello all,

I recently got into a bit of a dilemma with a person who I thought was a friend. As the title says, this is going to be a little long, so brace yourselves.

For the better part of a year, I've been working with some wonderful people, and although our job doesn't pay a livable wage, we still had a pretty good time. I managed to make a few friends, including one young woman person whom I considered a best friend (since I don't have many close friends).

The young woman whom I became close friends with has two children, and oftentimes, she needs additional money to take care of them. The father of her children is not very active in her children's lives—and in many cases, is antagonistic towards her. From what I'm led to believe, they've been in physical altercations, for example.

Naturally, I wanted to help her out, so I gave her money from time to time, and didn't worry about her paying it back.

The exception to this rule would be two times when she asked me for over $100. My personal rule is that if anyone asks me for $100+, I make them sign a contract stating that they will pay me back within a certain time or face the possibility of legal action. The first time, she paid me back no problem.

The second time ...

Over the last couple months, I find out that my friend was pregnant again. The father is the same guy who's not reliable and antagonistic towards her. She tells me that she needs money for the abortion, which I gave to her (though not without having her sign a contract first).

Shortly after that, she loses her job, so naturally, I tell her not to worry about paying me back since I know she wouldn't be able to afford to. Instead, I ask her to be my wingwoman, since I have a hard time meeting and connecting with women, so having her introduce me to women and accompany me when I'm ready to meet women in social settings would help.

However, I find out through one of my other friends that she's pregnant again by the same man. At first, I just think she made a bad decision. But there's more: from what I'm led to believe, she never terminated her pregnancy. She used the money I gave her for something else. When I found this out, I was overcome with rage and grief stemming from dishonesty and betrayal.

Here's the thing though, the contract states that she had to use that money for its intended purpose, and if she doesn't, I can take legal action. But should I? On one hand, I want that money back, but on the other, I just want to wash my hands of the whole thing and refrain from speaking to her again.

Thanks for reading this long, drama-filled post.

[Enaluxeme]

EDIT: Sorry for the double post, I'm having some connection problems.

Edited July 2, 2016 by Enaluxeme

[Enaluxeme]

Here's the thing though, the contract states that she had to use that money for its intended purpose, and if she doesn't, I can take legal action. But should I? On one hand, I want that money back, but on the other, I just want to wash my hands of the whole thing and refrain from speaking to her again.

Of course you should. Seriously, is there even any doubt? You have been, for all intents and purposes, swindled. She probably planned everything the moment you started giving her the first sums, deciding to milk you more. Maybe the man was with her on this.

[Rezzy]

This may very well belong more in serious discussion. I may sound like a judgmental bitch now, but this disgusts me.

Just separate yourself from this woman.

For the borrowing money, contracts require certain legalese to even be enforceable, which you may or may not have. Borrowing money between friends is a touchy subject, and if you made her sign a contract, you aren't a friend at that point, you're a business associate.

It sounds like she's got some abusive relationship going on, but even if you gave her money to kill her unborn child, she's under no obligation to do so. Maybe she changed her mind and wants to carry the child to term or give it up for adoption. And I'm sorry if it wasn't your intention, but using your contract as a way to get her to get dates for you comes across as very sleazy. If you want to get your money back, you can try to take her to civil court, but often the time, money, and effort that go into that aren't even worth it.

[Sir Morganson]

This may very well belong more in serious discussion. I may sound like a judgmental bitch now, but this disgusts me.

Just separate yourself from this woman.

For the borrowing money, contracts require certain legalese to even be enforceable, which you may or may not have. Borrowing money between friends is a touchy subject, and if you made her sign a contract, you aren't a friend at that point, you're a business associate.

It sounds like she's got some abusive relationship going on, but even if you gave her money to kill her unborn child, she's under no obligation to do so. Maybe she changed her mind and wants to carry the child to term or give it up for adoption. And I'm sorry if it wasn't your intention, but using your contract as a way to get her to get dates for you comes across as very sleazy. If you want to get your money back, you can try to take her to civil court, but often the time, money, and effort that go into that aren't even worth it.

Separation is probably a good idea.

The only reason I use contracts is because I've loaned people money before, and it's rare they pay it back. It's unlikely I'll go to court over it, but it does suck.

I did send her an email stating that I felt taken advantage of and asking her to pay me back of her own volition, but if she doesn't, I'll just chalk it up to a lesson learned.

Edited July 2, 2016 by Sir Morganson

[Res]

I'm sorry your job doesn't pay a livable wage and I understand $100 is a lot of money to you, but like Rezzy says, the time and money you'd sink into trying to get that $100 back wouldn't be worth it.

The psychology of abusive relationships is really complex. On average, it takes a person 7 attempts before they finally leave for good. There are all kinds of reasons she might not have had the abortion.

I'd cut your losses and move on. If you still have to interact with her at work, just tell her you can lend an ear, but not any more money.

[Augestein]

Don't help her anymore. she's not your friend. Ignore her from now on and be done with that sort of behavior. Her problems aren't yours. Cut your losses and take this as a lesson. Don't loan people money like that. Instead, offer them actual physical help that can help them in their bind. Especially if you, yourself have problems with money as well. If they don't accept that or get mad, that's too bad. Since she lost her job, you don't have to bother with her at all.

As for her relationship, unless you've actually see physical damage to her, I'd wager that's a lie as well. I've known too many females that used to try to do that to gain sympathy so they could take advantage of other men that would try to help them. Sounds like a horrible thing to say, I know, but it's best to protect yourself first and foremost.

[EricaofRenais]

What others have said just cut her out of your life she is taking advantage of your kindness and won't stop doing so unless you cut her off. You are better off just forgetting about the money and learning to only loan money to people you trust or if you can and feel like the person really need the money just give it to them.

[InsaneNoire]

Oh yeah, definitely take legal action if that's the case. She basically stole money from you. I don't care what kind of problems she has, for you don't need the crap in your life. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

[eclipse]

This may very well belong more in serious discussion. I may sound like a judgmental bitch now, but this disgusts me.

Just separate yourself from this woman.

For the borrowing money, contracts require certain legalese to even be enforceable, which you may or may not have. Borrowing money between friends is a touchy subject, and if you made her sign a contract, you aren't a friend at that point, you're a business associate.

It sounds like she's got some abusive relationship going on, but even if you gave her money to kill her unborn child, she's under no obligation to do so. Maybe she changed her mind and wants to carry the child to term or give it up for adoption. And I'm sorry if it wasn't your intention, but using your contract as a way to get her to get dates for you comes across as very sleazy. If you want to get your money back, you can try to take her to civil court, but often the time, money, and effort that go into that aren't even worth it.

Mostly agree. . .except about the dating part. It doesn't sound like he's using the contract to leverage her for dates. Unless I'm misreading it.

Don't help her anymore. she's not your friend. Ignore her from now on and be done with that sort of behavior. Her problems aren't yours. Cut your losses and take this as a lesson. Don't loan people money like that. Instead, offer them actual physical help that can help them in their bind. Especially if you, yourself have problems with money as well. If they don't accept that or get mad, that's too bad. Since she lost her job, you don't have to bother with her at all.

As for her relationship, unless you've actually see physical damage to her, I'd wager that's a lie as well. I've known too many females that used to try to do that to gain sympathy so they could take advantage of other men that would try to help them. Sounds like a horrible thing to say, I know, but it's best to protect yourself first and foremost.

The second part makes me feel. . .uncomfortable. Emotional/psychological abuse doesn't leave scars, and it's still very damaging. Also, females? ;/

---

I'm going to be the dissenting voice and say we don't know the full story, and neither do you. All the information you have is second-hand. So, you've got three options:

1. Follow what everyone else says and separate completely.

2. Confront her about what you've heard, and gauge her reaction.

3. Keep quiet, but FFS don't offer to lend her anything more than an ear.

1 is the most feasible if you think that your second-hand sources have literally no reason to deceive you/are otherwise mistaken. 2 is what I'd do, but that's because I like having closure. 3 is if your information sources have a reason to separate you from this woman (like the father of her children, or his friends).

One tactic abusers like to do is to separate their victims from outside support. Keep that in mind before doing anything else.

[Rezzy]

The second part makes me feel. . .uncomfortable. Emotional/psychological abuse doesn't leave scars, and it's still very damaging. Also, females? ;/

Are you objecting to being called female, or are you asking females to chime in?

[eclipse]

Are you objecting to being called female, or are you asking females to chime in?

Objecting to the usage of "females". Some girls/women fake abuse, which is infuriating. Given the context, it felt like the person who posted that was using it as a derogatory term. Could be overreacting, but then again, I'm the main dissenting voice, and I don't think assuming the abuse is fake is a good idea.

Especially since I see a lot of judgment being passed based on a lot of hearsay.

[Shin]

Are you objecting to being called female, or are you asking females to chime in?

I've always seen referring to people as males and females rather mechanical and distant! It just comes across odd linguistically.

It's probably healthiest to move on and avoid contracts like this in the future. Being friendly is one thing, but OP appears to be somewhat confused when it comes to things like these. It's safer to avoid lending large amounts of money in future and to try and consider the implications of getting involved in matters like this. It doesn't hurt to be nice, but there's being nice and there's doing things for the wrong reasons!

[Res]

The use of the term females, while technically correct, reduces us to animal status. Typically I see people using the word females refer to human males as 'men', so yes, unless you're talking about medical terminology, the use of females is pretty derogatory. We're women, or girls and women if you're unsure of ages.

[Rezzy]

I suppose I could see being addressed as female offensive. It doesn't bother me personally, but I'm weird. Addressing women can be taken the wrong way with several different nouns, since text relays nothing about inflection or tone.

Yeah, we don't really know the whole story here, but given the circumstances, I don't think we ever will, so I just tried to give advice to the best of my ability. If I was acting a judge, I'd probably reserve judgment until I had more info.

[eclipse]

I suppose I could see being addressed as female offensive. It doesn't bother me personally, but I'm weird. Addressing women can be taken the wrong way with several different nouns, since text relays nothing about inflection or tone.

Yeah, we don't really know the whole story here, but given the circumstances, I don't think we ever will, so I just tried to give advice to the best of my ability. If I was acting a judge, I'd probably reserve judgment until I had more info.

Problem is that it's a coin flip, except getting it wrong is a disaster waiting to happen. I see two scenarios:

1. Girl's getting fucked over really hard by her other half

2. Girl's a nutcase

The issue is that these scenarios have the exact opposite response - in the case of the former, you want her to know that you're around, and in the latter, you want her out of your life. Furthermore, TC's the only one that knows the full situation. Hence why it's tricky.

[Hli Tshiab]

I don't recommend taking legal action unless you really need that money or need to teach this person a lesson. It might ruin their life, but then again IDK because court punishments are sometimes unfair or weird.

It's important to understand that sometimes you have to distance yourself from those who may be considered toxic or bad for you.

If you've tried helping her with her relationship, but she never stops to think about it, then you don't need to help her anymore. Her life is not in your hands, what she does is what she gets.

She might be one of those people who need to experience EXTREME hardships to understand that her life sucks, so talking to her about it won't help because people are sometimes delusional.

As a friend, if she's starting to affect you then you have the right to leave. You don't have to burden yourself with her problem. You can find one of those Centers for abused women and give her the number or site address. If she wants to leave then she leaves, if she doesn't then she suffers/dies or whatever.

Of course, if the effect isn't too bad then you can just be a friend and just listen and throw some advice in there, but think about whether it's getting too much out of hand or not.

It's the same if it's a guy, if there's any white knights around here.

If it's abuse, there's nothing that you can really do unless she admits that she is being abused.

Edit: Oh right, if there is a guy being abused then it's not really the same in that there's really no place where they can actually get help. So the best thing to do is mainly leave or record the abuse. Of course if they don't want to leave because they are in love, then you have to leave yadah yadah yadah...

Edited July 3, 2016 by Hli Tshiab

[Rezzy]

I don't recommend taking legal action unless you really need that money or need to teach this person a lesson. It might ruin their life, but then again IDK because court punishments are sometimes unfair or weird.

It's the same if it's a guy, if there's any white knights around here.

If it's abuse, there's nothing that you can really do unless she admits that she is being abused.

The US doesn't have a "loser pays" clause for lawsuits, so even if he wins his suit, he'd be out any fees that went toward the case, so if it's only $100, it's probably not worth the hassle. If he wants to sue on the principle of the thing, that's another matter, but not financially advisable.

It's a tangent, but yeah, men and women are about equal in terms of being victims of domestic abuse. Women just get more attention for it. There was a study that I linked in the thread in the Serious Discussion about the X-Man poster a few weeks or so ago.

[Life]

I have an idea of what this feels like because it's happened to me too. And it ended in legal action (I still need to take her to court over another set of bills).

The best way to deal with it is to bring legal action if you can force a settlement at the very least and cut her out of your life in every other sense. No more can be done after that.

[Augestein]

Objecting to the usage of "females". Some girls/women fake abuse, which is infuriating. Given the context, it felt like the person who posted that was using it as a derogatory term. Could be overreacting, but then again, I'm the main dissenting voice, and I don't think assuming the abuse is fake is a good idea.

Especially since I see a lot of judgment being passed based on a lot of hearsay.

I used "female" because I was referring to it as something females sometimes do-- which is of, or not limited to age (as it was done from multiple ages, so I see no reason to say "girls and women of various ages from young and old"). I say "I'd wager" based off of what we're told from the behavior patterns. I'm not saying this is so. So I apologize I guess? As for abuse, it really doesn't matter in this case. If the OPs help isn't enough to help her leave or stop such habits much to his dismay, there's not much else he should do, and there's no reason to allow himself to be emotionally abused for her sake assuming she is being honest. I don't have time to devote to degrading a specific sex as pretty much all of my family refers to some unspecified group of females as "female" and some unspecified group of males as "male." It's a lot less to say than "boys and men" and "girls and women." I don't typically hang out on the Internet outside of here, so I don't know what new word suddenly developed new connotations overnight and became offensive.

I'm not passing judgment. The main bulk of my post is "that's no friend, stay away from her." If someone really upsets the OP that much, the best option is to simply avoid them from now on. Not sure why you zoned in on the smaller tidbit at the end.

The use of the term females, while technically correct, reduces us to animal status. Typically I see people using the word females refer to human males as 'men', so yes, unless you're talking about medical terminology, the use of females is pretty derogatory. We're women, or girls and women if you're unsure of ages.

Well that's a bit of an assumption don't you think? Typically doesn't mean that this is always done. And a rather egregious assumption (and just as offensive because of the implications you're applying here about me) as well. I refer to "female" and "male" when referring to age groups that are unknown. I'm not about to avoid using the blanket term because some people will become hyper aggressive and offended by the proper usage of a word.

Edited July 5, 2016 by Augestein

[Res]

Well that's a bit of an assumption don't you think? Typically doesn't mean that this is always done. And a rather egregious assumption (and just as offensive because of the implications you're applying here about me) as well. I refer to "female" and "male" when referring to age groups that are unknown. I'm not about to avoid using the blanket term because some people will become hyper aggressive and offended by the proper usage of a word.

I actually avoided responding to your post directly because I couldn't be sure how you were using the word - my post was just an explanation of why the use of female is not recommended, for Rezzy's clarification.

Also, female/male are primarily adjectives - both words used by themselves as nouns comes across as a little grammatically odd - obviously we can infer that someone is referring to female/male humans, but using women/girls and men/boys usually sounds better, anyway.

[Augestein]

I actually avoided responding to your post directly because I couldn't be sure how you were using the word - my post was just an explanation of why the use of female is not recommended, for Rezzy's clarification.

Also, female/male are primarily adjectives - both words used by themselves as nouns comes across as a little grammatically odd - obviously we can infer that someone is referring to female/male humans, but using women/girls and men/boys usually sounds better, anyway.

Very well. I was always raised as it being considered as both. Like how "back" can be a myriad of things as well. That said, let's keep focused on topic. We've strayed far enough.

[Raven]

I for one would cut her out of my life and cut my losses with regard to the money she owes you. I'm sure chasing that up would cost you more than the money you'd get back.

Just move on and don't let your good will put yourself in this situation again. It's easy enough to say to anyone, "Sorry, I can't help. I barely have enough to feed myself and pay the bills."

[Rezzy]

I have an idea of what this feels like because it's happened to me too. And it ended in legal action (I still need to take her to court over another set of bills).

The best way to deal with it is to bring legal action if you can force a settlement at the very least and cut her out of your life in every other sense. No more can be done after that.

Different countries have different rules with lawsuits. In many countries, the loser has to pay the winner's legal fees. This isn't the case in the USA, so unless it's a significant amount of money, it often isn't worth going to court, unless you don't really care about the money as much as punishing the person who wronged you. That's to say nothing of the lost time the lawsuit would take, meaning you can't work, so you're losing even more money. If she's out of work, that's an advantage to her.

I actually avoided responding to your post directly because I couldn't be sure how you were using the word - my post was just an explanation of why the use of female is not recommended, for Rezzy's clarification.

Also, female/male are primarily adjectives - both words used by themselves as nouns comes across as a little grammatically odd - obviously we can infer that someone is referring to female/male humans, but using women/girls and men/boys usually sounds better, anyway.

Very well. I was always raised as it being considered as both. Like how "back" can be a myriad of things as well. That said, let's keep focused on topic. We've strayed far enough.

It's probably a regional thing. I also have a heavily scientific background, so I'm just used to using the word. Female's not really something that I go out of my way to use as a noun, either though, so I'm not really married to using the term. I've been called worse, so it's more in neutral territory than anything else.

Funnily, it seems to be a sci-fi/fantasy trope to use male/female as nouns. Maybe because "man" and by extension "woman" are often used to refer exclusively to humans.

[Life]

Different countries have different rules with lawsuits. In many countries, the loser has to pay the winner's legal fees. This isn't the case in the USA, so unless it's a significant amount of money, it often isn't worth going to court, unless you don't really care about the money as much as punishing the person who wronged you. That's to say nothing of the lost time the lawsuit would take, meaning you can't work, so you're losing even more money. If she's out of work, that's an advantage to her.

Small claims court. End of story.

You're correct about different countries having different standards of law but there is not a single nation that views being unemployed as a positive. Judges will far more often than not rule in favour of the party that actually can hold a job (personal experience talking here).

In addition, my own settlement won me 58% of what I and my friends were claiming and did not include legal fees. But since it was small claims court, fees are low and you can represent yourself.

Your points sound great in theory but I've been through this in practice. It's not as much as a headache as you think, assuming that your side is solid and has evidence to back it up.