Jump to content

Serenes Forest Scribbles 2016. Winners announced!


Tangerine
 Share

Recommended Posts

Just some clarification about The Kindling of a Flame, which was my hastily-written entry.

Spoiler

The Branded, or the Parentless, are usually ignored as living ghosts by the Laguz, as Stephan's Endgame-1 dialogue with Yune indicates. However, his A-rank support with Mordecai in Path of Radiance suggests that the Laguz deny their right to live, or at least view them as harbingers of doom. The latter suggests that the laguz might opt to hunt down the Branded as well.

Alexei in this short story is Petrine's father, and a tiger laguz. When she was born, he found himself unable to change forms, much like a certain senator in Radiant Dawn. What I was trying to suggest was that he had heard, or was reminded, about the Parentless while he was away from Daein, and had come to the conclusion that Petrine, with her hunting prowess, had 'stolen' his power, and by killing her, he'd be able to shift again. Irrational? Yes, but given that Branded are a sort of bogeyman for the laguz, it is not too far-fetched, if you compare it with real-world superstitions like the idea that your soul is stolen when a photo is taken of your face, or (more grisly), the idea that albino body parts bring fortune and prosperity.

That does not explain why he has a dozen other Laguz with him, but I think I left a few contextual clues to suggest why they were around. And no, not just to make it an odd thirteen.

Thanks for reading my entry.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 414
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

10 hours ago, Wist said:

Just finished reading all the Writes. My memory is awful, so I wrote summaries to remind me what each story was about. Thought others might find them useful for reference? If not, just ignore them.

I'm mostly going to avoid making substantive criticisms or suggestions. But I distilled some of the questions and (the mostly positive/encouraging) thoughts I jotted down while reading.

SPOILERS AHOY!

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Hey, thanks!

Spoiler

I could REALLY use some constructive criticism, though!  I tried to improve on some things from last year.

 

57 minutes ago, Snike said:

Just some clarification about The Kindling of a Flame, which was my hastily-written entry.

  Reveal hidden contents

Thanks for reading my entry.

 

Spoiler

The ending confused me a bit, but I otherwise enjoyed this.  However, I think she's canonically part-raven?  It was mentioned somewhere, but I forget.

 

Edited by eclipse
Formatting!
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Spoiler

The translated document from Tellius recollections indicated Tiger laguz, actually. Which kind of fits, in the sense that she seems to be able to at least tolerate the other types of Laguz when they're of sane mind. See: Ena and Naesala.

 

Edited by Snike
added spoiler
Link to comment
Share on other sites

21 hours ago, unique said:

while with fury I guess it's a bit noticable, I think sety still looks fine in your art

for what it's worth, I really like it! I love the different expressions you gave to all the characters, it looks really nice

i think it's also the only fe4 related draw, which I don't mind since it's a pretty damn good one

Thank you, it means a lot! :) The different expressions was something I really wanted incorporated in my piece so I'm glad that is something you enjoyed.

Well maybe some more words on the picture (because I totally forgot to add a description - ups) - I wanted to emulate Kozaki's style to invoke a kind of "official" feeling - like a remake of FE4 could be announced soon. But then after I finished rough drafts I realized.... the 90's hair... everywhere. Let's just say that Tinny, Lana and Lester will have a hard time getting in my team the next time I play the game (also Oifays beard). 

And thanks for destroying my heart (at least what is left after NieR Automata) author of "too much, not enough"! Will read the rest of the stories over the weekend, I look forward to that :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

13 hours ago, Wist said:

 

  Reveal hidden contents
  • A Greater Cause

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Lucia is practicing swordplay when Master Garloche gives her a real sword and commands her to kill a boar. She hesitates, but ends up disemboweling the boar in anger. Though Master Garloche praises her, she flees to her room in disgust. There, her father reminds her she studies swordplay not to kill but to protect Elincia in defense of "a cause worth dying for".

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    Lucia, Master Garloche, and even Count Delbray came across as having distinct voices, motivations, and backgrounds. That's no mean feat for such a brief story. Though I fear I misunderstood the scene with the boar though. Did Lucia attack so viciously because she's seeing the boar as a substitute for the jeering students who have so little confidence in her?

  • A Shiver From Beyond

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Canas and his wife Tali climb a mysterious mountain to confirm the existence of a magic shrine. Upon discovering it's a tomb, Canas tries to commune with the 'demon' on the other side. Their guide, Volf, warns a snowstorm will trigger an avalanche that will destroy the town their son is in. Canas trades his life to the demon so he and Tali can stop the storm.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    Perhaps I misread him, but I wasn't convinced by Volf casually recognizing the storm as a once in a few centuries event. He seemed bizarrely cavalier about the whole situation. That aside, the premise was solid and Canas's personality came through clearly. I was impressed with some of the imagery, such as the endless library at the beginning and what Canas experiences as he struggles to endure the demon.

  • A Soulweaver's Journey

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    With his knowledge of the three Fates routes, Arilon (as Corrin) negotiates the formation of a joint-Nohrian/Hoshidan splinter group. They leave the two armies, which are on the verge of battle, and enter Valla, a mythical kingdom at the bottom of the Bottomless Canyon. They continue onward, seeking a way to combat the third party pushing their own two kingdoms to war.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    What a fascinating combination of theorycraft, self-aware stream of consciousness, and first person narration. I only wish the formatting were friendlier to wide screens. And unfortunately Birthright is the only Fates game I've played, so I don't know what were and weren't new ideas.

    I think some interactions were more credible than others. Though it was curious watching characters being manipulated into engaging in such uncertain tactical negotiation. Shame the story was cut short (presumably due to time constraints?).

  • Anna's Surprise

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Anna steals Robin's clothes, forcing him to chase after her through the camp. He suspects something is off when Chrom lends his own clothes and they fit perfectly. But he continues tracking Anna until she leads him to a tent where a surprise birthday party awaits him.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    This isn't the most thought provoking story I've ever read. But it succeeds at being silly and fun (as obviously it's meant to be).

  • Azel's Epilogue (Chapter 1 | Chapter 2)

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Azel and his son Arthur make their way to Velthomer for Arthur's ascension. Azel dreams of events before his magic induced sleep. The memories continue welling up as he struggles to cope with how Velthomer changed in his absence. He ends up offering to free Arthur and his fiancee Fee from the responsibilities of Dukedom, going so far as to force a duel to settle the matter.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    I'm only vaguely acquainted with the Jugdral characters (embarrassingly I've yet to beat either game). But I found this an insightful look into Azel's confused mind. I love how even though we're watching him so closely, even spying on his dreams, and we can only guess at what he's really thinking.

  • Battle of Alucia

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    After Rezzy stands up to Lord Daniel for being weak on pillaging bandits, Chloey forms a squad to defend the town. One recruit, Nym, discovers the bandits have been wiped out by two magic-wielding maids. Chloey's army arrives to battle the maids, but they teleport to safety.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    I found this story funny but slightly confusing. I was surprised the food-starved villagers were throwing tomatoes instead of rocks. And I suspect there are in-jokes I'm not getting (got the Mulan reference at least).

    Is the story meant to continue? I'm curious what was up with the maids. Though maybe I'm just dense and that was hinted at by the threat alluded to at the end?

  • Beyond the Horizon

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Canas is studying an old wizard's notes when Nino shows up convinced her mother is out in the snowstorm. They search for her and discover it's Canas's wife, and she's been possessed by something. Canas forsakes his intellectual pursuits in a desperate effort to free her from the possession.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    Eh. I participated. Can't believe I introduced multiple typos in my last minute fix-ups last month. There's a lot I could have done more clearly (kicking myself for following a stupid convention and not capitalizing the wife's pet name). And Nino really deserves something resembling a personality. But reading it again, it was fun noticing the similarities between this and A Shiver From Beyond.

  • Cages

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Flora miserably prepares for Corrin's birthday party as she laments the lack of autonomy and respect afforded her. As her frustration grows, her ice powers act up and disrupt the party. Xander confronts her, and subsequently makes a token effort to help her clean while reminding her that his family too lack control over their lives.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    I love how this piece addressed the topics of servitude, respect, and objectification. And the scattered bits of humor fit in nicely! The narration was pleasantly consistent too: firmly and clearly from inside Flora's head.

    Though I couldn't help noticing the story was sometimes a bit descriptively obvious. I'm not sure how to describe it, but sometimes it felt like the author didn't trust the reader to pick up things. Just one example: "...but Flora didn’t want to be a part of a set; she wanted to be her own person" essentially repeats the same thing twice, and it feels like overly exacting clarification rather than stylistic repetition. But I'm nitpicking; it doesn't hurt the story at all, and maybe others disagree with me; I just don't think it was strictly necessary.

  • Dragonson

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Lilina and Lord Eliwood try to help Roy revert to normal after he begins transforming into a dragon. Lilina asks Sophia for help while Eliwood stalls Queen Guinevere of Bern whom Roy is due to welcome to Pherae. Sophia helps Roy understand the nature of his condition and seal his powers in his mother's dragonstone. Upon Queen Guinevere's entry, he embraces his birthright and rights a historical wrong.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    You know the feeling when overwhelming awe at the intricacies that led up to the big reveal in a complicated book or movie hits you right in the gut? I got that awe three pages in just from the writing style. The last time that happened was when I read the Gormenghast series.

    There were a couple extraordinarily minor items I'd have handled differently. But reading this piece was an absolute joy. Both the writing and the story were masterful. Thank you for sharing your work.

  • Fairy Tale Ending

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    A once lost princess has been learning to navigate court life with her new husband. She realizes this isn't the life she wants. But her regrets have come too late. She feels trapped by what should be a "fairy tale ending".

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    I'm confused about the princess's internal conflict over having married her "prince charming" rather than her "knight in shining armor". I have a few hypotheses, but I'm not sure if any are right. This is entirely my fault for never finishing FE4. So I'm going to revisit this piece later. The premise is lovely (and sad), and I'm eager to reread it once I've more thoroughly acquaint myself with the lore and characters of the Jugdral games.

  • FE7 Epic

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Eliwood and Hector march towards Caelin where, unbeknownst to them, Lyn has just been routed by Darin's forces. Lyn's pegasus knight friend Florina flies for help and spots Eliwood's company. She asks for help and Eliwood prepares to retake Castle Caelin.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    I love this. It's brilliant! Why has no one mentioned it yet?!

    I never studied classics, but I picked up on a pleasing consistency of meter, language, and description throughout the entire piece. Though I have to ask, how long did this take to write?!

  • Fire Emblem Echoes of Time

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Chiki (Tiki) waits to hear back from an infiltration team trying to recover her stolen diamond. Meanwhile, the team is attacked by cyborgs. They manage to defeat the cyborgs and reclaim the diamond.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    This was undoubtedly one of the more inventive settings. Unfortunately I think it suffers from slightly too much authoritative description. Just one example: "...she thought as she struggled not to lose consciousness" is plain and direct, whereas "...she thought, her vision blurring as the pain threatened to overwhelm her" would have implied the same situation in perhaps a slightly more compelling way. I think tiny tweaks like that would make the writing much stronger!

  • Fire Emblem Generations

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Hector arrives in Pherae to celebrate the approaching birth of Eliwood's child. That evening, portals open in the sky, dropping monsters and a red-haired boy. Hector and Eliwood charge off to fight the monsters. The boy, named Roy, follows.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    This feels like a teaser from a larger story. It leaves me curious why the portals appeared and how Eliwood and Roy will interact. In the beginning, I think some of the dialogue could have been more convincing. For example: "Still as shy around men as ever, huh?" felt a bit forward and crass for Eliwood. But maybe that's just me.

  • Grief and Resolve

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    While Mozu is reflecting on her mother's death earlier that day, a monster attacks her. Fortunately, she's saved by a swordsman. She subsequently resolves to avenger her family and town by fighting the monsters.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    An interesting peek inside Mozu's head at the time of her recruitment.

  • Hatari Investigations – An Interactive Adventure

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Volug and Tauroneo enter Hatari and become private investigators. Depending on your choices, they investigate an armor counterfeiting ring at a floating hotel or the mysterious disappearance of Queen Nailah.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    This was... stupid. But I enjoyed the hell out of it! It was hilarious despite (or maybe because of?) the plethora of well incorporated in-series jokes and critiques. Tauroneo's confusion over his lance failing to magically reappear and a slant against the casualization of the series spring to mind. I kept a chart to make sure I made it through every path. Honestly, I thought I wouldn't like it, but I really enjoyed reading and navigating the whole story.

  • Historian of Johanna

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    A farmer girl, Ada, dreams of being a lord, and wants to enter a sword-fighting competition as an excuse to travel. Alexi shows up and presents her with Eirika's blade. They begin a journey to the capital that will someday lead to Ada becoming a historian of Johanna.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    I'm undecided on how to approach this one. There are no significant conflicts, so it reads like a wish fulfillment fantasy. This makes it rather unlike most of the other stories. Are these established characters from somewhere, or are they unique just to this story?

  • I’d Do Anything

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Kana's father bandages Kana's leg after she's injured in the Deeprealm. Suddenly, he is then attacked by an outlaw, whom he kills with great regret. He then reveals he feels worthless as a leader who can't actually stomach killing, but his Hoshidan allies rally around him in support.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    Exploring the cognitive dissonance of a respected military leader who is morally and emotionally opposed to killing people is a great idea. I think the games overlook this topic, even when they try to mention it.

    But personally, I think this story doesn't quite make it yet. The framework is there, but the situations and dialogue feel a little contrived. Why is a random outlaw arbitrarily trying to kill the protagonist? Why is he more upset at having killed the attacker than his home and family having suddenly been thrust into mortal danger? I think exploring these questions, or at least acknowledging them, would go a long way toward bolstering the credibility of the story.

  • In His Lonely Footsteps

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    The protagonist uses Samto as a crutch for remembering Navarre. But she knew the real Navarre well enough that illusion never lasts for long. Samto confides he uses her too. He feels trapped believing the world needs him to be Navarre, but she reminds him he's not just a copycat.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    For some reason I didn't take to this story the first time I read it. But I think I was just being dense. It really clicked the second time! The more I think about it the more wonderful I think it is.

  • No Longer Human

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Zihark is lamenting the advancement of Daein occupation when a boy trying to hire a mercenary reminds him of his training. A conflict between himself, his secretly laguz teacher Moto, and laguz hunters, results in him rescuing a laguz girl. They fall in love, but she is soon felled by Daein soldiers. In the present, Zihark's curiosity is piqued when he notices the boy from before helping a cornered laguz in the street escape.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    I was initially confused about the progress of time. But everything snapped into place when I finally realized the entire middle section was a series of flashbacks. I wasn't fond of some of the exposition dumps. I think Kitra's introductory monologue on being a servant was a bit long for example. But overall this was a solid piece.

  • Pray to the Dark

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    A series of vignettes showing the emotional difficulties the Nohrian nobles faced seeking validation from their parents. This includes Elise being rejected by her mother, Camilla having to assassinate a half-sister, and Leo feeling inferior to Xander, among others.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    Poor Elise! I feel awful for her! Though some of the stories seemed to contradict each other. Why are Corrin and Kamui in a dungeon? Who does Camilla kill for her mother? Perhaps I'm just confused because I haven't finished the Fates games yet. I'm going to read up on them thoroughly this week before rereading this piece.

  • The Kindling of a Flame

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Petrine, an accomplished hunter, wants to join Daein's army. Alexei, her (adoptive?) father, comes home with a posse of laguz. He tries to kill her to "get his claws back" and become whole. Petrine single-handedly defeats them and is recruited by Ashnard and the Black Knight.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    I liked the concept. But I didn't understand why Alexei thought killing Petrine would achieve anything. That's the one thing that makes me hesitant about this story. Alexei's ambush was so sudden and random. With no indications of prior malice, I'm left wondering what could possibly have been going through his head.

  • The Path of Conquest and Dragon Pokemon

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Corrin and Azura inexplicably turn into Salamence and Altaria. No one acknowledges the transformations, though Salamence wreaks havoc before being brought back to Castle Krakenberg. He kill Garon, which upsets his siblings. But all is forgiven after he and Altaria defeat Anankos.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    I don't know what I expected but it wasn't this.

    Edit: Just noticed this comes across negatively which wasn't my intention. Obviously this story was written to be over-the-top silly. I found the Nohrian siblings' reaction to Salamence taking a bite out of Garon particularly funny.

  • The Prince of Verdane

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Seliph's liberation army and Prince Cimbaeth's forces defeat Beige Ritter's army together. Cimbaeth explains why they should see the Loptyrian Sect as their common enemy and they join forces. After many battles, they march on Belhalla where Cimbaeth tries to kill Prince Julius.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    Cimbaeth's expositionary speech takes up half the story. Personally, I thought the detail in his speech was a little excessive, though it is successful at laying out the development of Cimbaeth position on things since King Batur's death. I'm sorry to admit I not the kind of person who's generally smitten by lore/world-building.

  • The Value of Refuse

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Renault confronts Nergal over his treatment of morphs as tools. Nergal decides to treat Renault worse, 'resurrecting' his friend and leaving him alive to suffer his anguish. Limstella meanwhile thinks over how best she can serve Nergal.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    I always assumed Limstella was a more recent morph, but I may be mistaken as I'm not sure that was ever explicitly clarified.. In any case, it was neat reading a Fire Emblem inspired play script. And I liked that you gave a peak into Limstella's (admittedly predictable) head. I had never considered how a morph (aside from Sonia) might think.

  • Too Much Not Enough

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Eliwood is constantly on the lookout for ways to extend Ninian's life. Eventually, he uses a spell that trades his life for hers. Ninian is devastated. All she wanted was to live with Eliwood. But eventually she finds joy in raising their son Roy.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    Ninian didn't really come across as having a personality beyond her love for Eliwood. But I suppose that's not too important here, and I felt for her regardless. Having traded away her immortality to live with Eliwood only to feel forced to live without him so as not to disrespect his sacrifice was a cruel but fascinating twist. And it's effective because I think it's a very credible interpretation of how Eliwood could have acted.

Spoiler

I figured the story could use some work. It was kind of intended to be a short one since I wanted to get my ideas out quickly before I forgot them. :P I guess it's contained nature held it back in terms of how much build up I could give to events. I'm glad you found the concept nice. At least it was fun for me to write it and I'm happy to have a spot in the gallery. :^_^: 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, SoulWeaver said:

Yeah, I can't figure out how to get it to reformat to be like the other Google Docs - the format it's in right now is just me hitting "Publish to Web". If anyone can tell me how to fix that and make it look like a normal Doc without locking everyone out because I haven't personally shared it with them, please, PLEASE do so.

It looks like you used "File > Publish to the web..."
 
Try this instead:

  • Hit the "Share" button in the top right.
  • Click "Get a shareable link"
  • Make sure the dropdown says "Anyone with the link can view".
  • Copy the link in that window.

This link should keep all of your formatting and be viewable to anyone who clicks on it regardless of whether you've individually shared with them.

Edit: Having a lot of trouble formatting spoilers in quotes in spoilers, so I'm dropping the quotes.

  • @Nym

     

    Ah, I understand now. I had assumed there was no food because I took the claim of the woman who said they can barely feed their families literally. But you had already made it clear the "bargain" was a repeat scenario, and it would continue happening. Given the emotion of the situation, especially in such a moment of public anger, I should have considered the claim was likely hyperbolic.  
     
    What kind of feedback were you hoping for?
     
    Storywise, villagers living in fear under the abusive hands of pilfering bandits feels very much like a Fire Emblem kind of opening setting. That the uprising (Chloey's forces) discovered something sinister had already wiped out their enemy after all the time they spent training was an exciting twist. I expected a battle with the bandits, and maybe for something strange to happen during or after battle. You manipulating my expectations like that made the story much more interesting.
     
    Though perhaps because you anticipated writing a series, it felt like the story didn't wrap up as well as it could have. I think that's because the bandits have obviously been dealt with... but everything would have turned out the same for the village if Chloey and company hadn't lifted a finger.
     
    Of course it all depends on how the stories in your series will link up. But you might benefit from making the maids (or the massacre of the bandits) more clearly threatening to the village. That way it will feel like it's good and important that Chloey rounded up an army.
     
    Alternatively, maybe what's really important is that they discovered this great threat to the world. I suspect this is what you were going for. You probably don't have to change much then as the village and bandits subplot just serves as an excuse to get Chloey's forces somewhere they could discover the maids. In this case though I would try to make it clear why there's cause to for concern, in this installment or the next one. Chloey says theres a threat. But as a reader I have trouble appreciating why they can't all just go home and ignore whoever killed the bandits.
     
    In terms of narration, I noticed a mix of present and past tense, at least early on. Either can work. But you might consider sticking to just one to help it flow a little more nicely.

  • @Jotari

     

    I had a sneaking suspicion it wasn't a serious piece of writing, but I really enjoyed it. I read it in the office as productive employees do, and ended up faking lots of yawns in an effort to hide my puerile grinning and chuckling.
     
    It took a while to read it all too. And I probably missed some material as I didn't consider there may have been variables. I can only imagine making an interactive story added tremendous overhead. Had you used Twine before? I just poked the web-app and it seems user-friendly, but I can't imagine trying to keep organised the number of strands and loops that you did.

  • @TheFreelancerSeal

     

    Ah okay, I see what you were going for! Actually, I was taken aback by her "primal scream" as I didn't think it really matched her character. But in the context of her losing control, implying that's something she has to master as she prepares for real battle, it fits.

  • @Snike

     

    Thanks for explaining all this. I actually remember something about laguz hating branded even more than beorc. I ought to reread all the POR supports as it's been a few years now. Anyways, I think you have a great premise. In light of what you've shared what you were going for makes tremendous sense.
     
    I still wasn't quite getting why Alexei goes mad over his situation from the story. But I think I've figured it out!
     

     

    Is his having gone to the Ertz Mountains the big clue? I looked it up and realized they're on the Gallian border. It was a major oversight on my part not to consider looking up the geography earlier.

  • @eclipse

     

    Which story was yours?

  • @Crushie

    I haven't given the Draws a thorough look yet, but I remember yours very clearly! Like @unique, I was impressed by the variety of expressions. No one looks the same, which is great as I think that would have seriously thrown the whole piece off.

Edited by Wist
Added responses to responses.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@Wist

Spoiler

Yes, it is. I think I could've done a better job on Alexei, but the idea is that he went to Gallia, and came back with a dozen friends. Given that Terin, nearby, was hosting one of Ashnard's tournaments that day, it isn't a very wild guess as to why he returned with them.

 

 

 

Edited by Snike
Link to comment
Share on other sites

31 minutes ago, eclipse said:

Ah, right, I'd have to admit to writing it.  I'll wait until after the voting.  Thanks, though!

This, pretty much. If you already know which entry is mine, please don't say that out loud! I'm trying to be as anonymous as possible, so only people whom I discussed my entry with beforehand know what it is.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Wist said:

@Jotari

  Hide contents

I had a sneaking suspicion it wasn't a serious piece of writing, but I really enjoyed it. I read it in the office as productive employees do, and ended up faking lots of yawns in an effort to hide my puerile grinning and chuckling.
 
It took a while to read it all too. And I probably missed some material as I didn't consider there may have been variables. I can only imagine making an interactive story added tremendous overhead. Had you used Twine before? I just poked the web-app and it seems user-friendly, but I can't imagine trying to keep organised the number of strands and loops that you did.

 

No, it was my first experiment with Twine. It is quite user friendly, works a lot like a wiki. The biggest downside is that putting music or pictures in is more troublesome than it should be. At least in the version I was using (I think the earlier versions let you do it easier, go figure). I did consider putting in music when the deadline  was extended but by that point I wasn't really invested enough to look into it after my initial attempts failed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ah! I was unable to check this for a few days while on teaching practicum and come back to all this magnificent activity! I want to thank all the admins and staff for getting the gallery up despite all the difficulties. So many magnificent entries! We truly are spoiled for choice in terms of talent and dedication. Specifically, I am awestruck at the FE7 Epic and Too Much Not Enough. They are just spectacular, and if you were to ask me right now my vote is going to one of them. Still nowhere near done going through them all, though!

I would love to thank @False Prophet, @Sunwoo and @Wist for their very kind words on Dragonson. I know it was a lot to get through and I want to thank you so much for sticking with it. I'm really glad you liked it - truth be told, I was really nervous about submitting it but now I'm happy I did. You honour me with your words!

I'm going to go through all the visual entries next while working my way through the fics - I'm so excited to see this through!

Edited by SpareTimeEntertainment
Link to comment
Share on other sites

One of my mentors told me that writing competitons is not unlike school tests: The best ideas only comes when the bell rings. I see that I'm not the only one here to know that it's right. 

22 hours ago, Wist said:

Just finished reading all the Writes. My memory is awful, so I wrote summaries to remind me what each story was about. Thought others might find them useful for reference? If not, just ignore them.

I'm mostly going to avoid making substantive criticisms or suggestions. But I distilled some of the questions and (the mostly positive/encouraging) thoughts I jotted down while reading.

SPOILERS AHOY!

  Hide contents
  • A Greater Cause

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Lucia is practicing swordplay when Master Garloche gives her a real sword and commands her to kill a boar. She hesitates, but ends up disemboweling the boar in anger. Though Master Garloche praises her, she flees to her room in disgust. There, her father reminds her she studies swordplay not to kill but to protect Elincia in defense of "a cause worth dying for".

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    Lucia, Master Garloche, and even Count Delbray came across as having distinct voices, motivations, and backgrounds. That's no mean feat for such a brief story. Though I fear I misunderstood the scene with the boar though. Did Lucia attack so viciously because she's seeing the boar as a substitute for the jeering students who have so little confidence in her?

  • A Shiver From Beyond

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Canas and his wife Tali climb a mysterious mountain to confirm the existence of a magic shrine. Upon discovering it's a tomb, Canas tries to commune with the 'demon' on the other side. Their guide, Volf, warns a snowstorm will trigger an avalanche that will destroy the town their son is in. Canas trades his life to the demon so he and Tali can stop the storm.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    Perhaps I misread him, but I wasn't convinced by Volf casually recognizing the storm as a once in a few centuries event. He seemed bizarrely cavalier about the whole situation. That aside, the premise was solid and Canas's personality came through clearly. I was impressed with some of the imagery, such as the endless library at the beginning and what Canas experiences as he struggles to endure the demon.

  • A Soulweaver's Journey

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    With his knowledge of the three Fates routes, Arilon (as Corrin) negotiates the formation of a joint-Nohrian/Hoshidan splinter group. They leave the two armies, which are on the verge of battle, and enter Valla, a mythical kingdom at the bottom of the Bottomless Canyon. They continue onward, seeking a way to combat the third party pushing their own two kingdoms to war.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    What a fascinating combination of theorycraft, self-aware stream of consciousness, and first person narration. I only wish the formatting were friendlier to wide screens. And unfortunately Birthright is the only Fates game I've played, so I don't know what were and weren't new ideas.

    I think some interactions were more credible than others. Though it was curious watching characters being manipulated into engaging in such uncertain tactical negotiation. Shame the story was cut short (presumably due to time constraints?).

  • Anna's Surprise

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Anna steals Robin's clothes, forcing him to chase after her through the camp. He suspects something is off when Chrom lends his own clothes and they fit perfectly. But he continues tracking Anna until she leads him to a tent where a surprise birthday party awaits him.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    This isn't the most thought provoking story I've ever read. But it succeeds at being silly and fun (as obviously it's meant to be).

  • Azel's Epilogue (Chapter 1 | Chapter 2)

    Summary

      Hide contents

    Azel and his son Arthur make their way to Velthomer for Arthur's ascension. Azel dreams of events before his magic induced sleep. The memories continue welling up as he struggles to cope with how Velthomer changed in his absence. He ends up offering to free Arthur and his fiancee Fee from the responsibilities of Dukedom, going so far as to force a duel to settle the matter.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    I'm only vaguely acquainted with the Jugdral characters (embarrassingly I've yet to beat either game). But I found this an insightful look into Azel's confused mind. I love how even though we're watching him so closely, even spying on his dreams, and we can only guess at what he's really thinking.

  • Battle of Alucia

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    After Rezzy stands up to Lord Daniel for being weak on pillaging bandits, Chloey forms a squad to defend the town. One recruit, Nym, discovers the bandits have been wiped out by two magic-wielding maids. Chloey's army arrives to battle the maids, but they teleport to safety.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    I found this story funny but slightly confusing. I was surprised the food-starved villagers were throwing tomatoes instead of rocks. And I suspect there are in-jokes I'm not getting (got the Mulan reference at least).

    Is the story meant to continue? I'm curious what was up with the maids. Though maybe I'm just dense and that was hinted at by the threat alluded to at the end?

  • Beyond the Horizon

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Canas is studying an old wizard's notes when Nino shows up convinced her mother is out in the snowstorm. They search for her and discover it's Canas's wife, and she's been possessed by something. Canas forsakes his intellectual pursuits in a desperate effort to free her from the possession.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    Eh. I participated. Can't believe I introduced multiple typos in my last minute fix-ups last month. There's a lot I could have done more clearly (kicking myself for following a stupid convention and not capitalizing the wife's pet name). And Nino really deserves something resembling a personality. But reading it again, it was fun noticing the similarities between this and A Shiver From Beyond.

  • Cages

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Flora miserably prepares for Corrin's birthday party as she laments the lack of autonomy and respect afforded her. As her frustration grows, her ice powers act up and disrupt the party. Xander confronts her, and subsequently makes a token effort to help her clean while reminding her that his family too lack control over their lives.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    I love how this piece addressed the topics of servitude, respect, and objectification. And the scattered bits of humor fit in nicely! The narration was pleasantly consistent too: firmly and clearly from inside Flora's head.

    Though I couldn't help noticing the story was sometimes a bit descriptively obvious. I'm not sure how to describe it, but sometimes it felt like the author didn't trust the reader to pick up things. Just one example: "...but Flora didn’t want to be a part of a set; she wanted to be her own person" essentially repeats the same thing twice, and it feels like overly exacting clarification rather than stylistic repetition. But I'm nitpicking; it doesn't hurt the story at all, and maybe others disagree with me; I just don't think it was strictly necessary.

  • Dragonson

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Lilina and Lord Eliwood try to help Roy revert to normal after he begins transforming into a dragon. Lilina asks Sophia for help while Eliwood stalls Queen Guinevere of Bern whom Roy is due to welcome to Pherae. Sophia helps Roy understand the nature of his condition and seal his powers in his mother's dragonstone. Upon Queen Guinevere's entry, he embraces his birthright and rights a historical wrong.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    You know the feeling when overwhelming awe at the intricacies that led up to the big reveal in a complicated book or movie hits you right in the gut? I got that awe three pages in just from the writing style. The last time that happened was when I read the Gormenghast series.

    There were a couple extraordinarily minor items I'd have handled differently. But reading this piece was an absolute joy. Both the writing and the story were masterful. Thank you for sharing your work.

  • Fairy Tale Ending

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    A once lost princess has been learning to navigate court life with her new husband. She realizes this isn't the life she wants. But her regrets have come too late. She feels trapped by what should be a "fairy tale ending".

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    I'm confused about the princess's internal conflict over having married her "prince charming" rather than her "knight in shining armor". I have a few hypotheses, but I'm not sure if any are right. This is entirely my fault for never finishing FE4. So I'm going to revisit this piece later. The premise is lovely (and sad), and I'm eager to reread it once I've more thoroughly acquaint myself with the lore and characters of the Jugdral games.

  • FE7 Epic

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Eliwood and Hector march towards Caelin where, unbeknownst to them, Lyn has just been routed by Darin's forces. Lyn's pegasus knight friend Florina flies for help and spots Eliwood's company. She asks for help and Eliwood prepares to retake Castle Caelin.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    I love this. It's brilliant! Why has no one mentioned it yet?!

    I never studied classics, but I picked up on a pleasing consistency of meter, language, and description throughout the entire piece. Though I have to ask, how long did this take to write?!

  • Fire Emblem Echoes of Time

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Chiki (Tiki) waits to hear back from an infiltration team trying to recover her stolen diamond. Meanwhile, the team is attacked by cyborgs. They manage to defeat the cyborgs and reclaim the diamond.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    This was undoubtedly one of the more inventive settings. Unfortunately I think it suffers from slightly too much authoritative description. Just one example: "...she thought as she struggled not to lose consciousness" is plain and direct, whereas "...she thought, her vision blurring as the pain threatened to overwhelm her" would have implied the same situation in perhaps a slightly more compelling way. I think tiny tweaks like that would make the writing much stronger!

  • Fire Emblem Generations

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Hector arrives in Pherae to celebrate the approaching birth of Eliwood's child. That evening, portals open in the sky, dropping monsters and a red-haired boy. Hector and Eliwood charge off to fight the monsters. The boy, named Roy, follows.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    This feels like a teaser from a larger story. It leaves me curious why the portals appeared and how Eliwood and Roy will interact. In the beginning, I think some of the dialogue could have been more convincing. For example: "Still as shy around men as ever, huh?" felt a bit forward and crass for Eliwood. But maybe that's just me.

  • Grief and Resolve

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    While Mozu is reflecting on her mother's death earlier that day, a monster attacks her. Fortunately, she's saved by a swordsman. She subsequently resolves to avenger her family and town by fighting the monsters.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    An interesting peek inside Mozu's head at the time of her recruitment.

  • Hatari Investigations – An Interactive Adventure

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Volug and Tauroneo enter Hatari and become private investigators. Depending on your choices, they investigate an armor counterfeiting ring at a floating hotel or the mysterious disappearance of Queen Nailah.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    This was... stupid. But I enjoyed the hell out of it! It was hilarious despite (or maybe because of?) the plethora of well incorporated in-series jokes and critiques. Tauroneo's confusion over his lance failing to magically reappear and a slant against the casualization of the series spring to mind. I kept a chart to make sure I made it through every path. Honestly, I thought I wouldn't like it, but I really enjoyed reading and navigating the whole story.

  • Historian of Johanna

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    A farmer girl, Ada, dreams of being a lord, and wants to enter a sword-fighting competition as an excuse to travel. Alexi shows up and presents her with Eirika's blade. They begin a journey to the capital that will someday lead to Ada becoming a historian of Johanna.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    I'm undecided on how to approach this one. There are no significant conflicts, so it reads like a wish fulfillment fantasy. This makes it rather unlike most of the other stories. Are these established characters from somewhere, or are they unique just to this story?

  • I’d Do Anything

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Kana's father bandages Kana's leg after she's injured in the Deeprealm. Suddenly, he is then attacked by an outlaw, whom he kills with great regret. He then reveals he feels worthless as a leader who can't actually stomach killing, but his Hoshidan allies rally around him in support.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    Exploring the cognitive dissonance of a respected military leader who is morally and emotionally opposed to killing people is a great idea. I think the games overlook this topic, even when they try to mention it.

    But personally, I think this story doesn't quite make it yet. The framework is there, but the situations and dialogue feel a little contrived. Why is a random outlaw arbitrarily trying to kill the protagonist? Why is he more upset at having killed the attacker than his home and family having suddenly been thrust into mortal danger? I think exploring these questions, or at least acknowledging them, would go a long way toward bolstering the credibility of the story.

  • In His Lonely Footsteps

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    The protagonist uses Samto as a crutch for remembering Navarre. But she knew the real Navarre well enough that illusion never lasts for long. Samto confides he uses her too. He feels trapped believing the world needs him to be Navarre, but she reminds him he's not just a copycat.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    For some reason I didn't take to this story the first time I read it. But I think I was just being dense. It really clicked the second time! The more I think about it the more wonderful I think it is.

  • No Longer Human

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Zihark is lamenting the advancement of Daein occupation when a boy trying to hire a mercenary reminds him of his training. A conflict between himself, his secretly laguz teacher Moto, and laguz hunters, results in him rescuing a laguz girl. They fall in love, but she is soon felled by Daein soldiers. In the present, Zihark's curiosity is piqued when he notices the boy from before helping a cornered laguz in the street escape.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    I was initially confused about the progress of time. But everything snapped into place when I finally realized the entire middle section was a series of flashbacks. I wasn't fond of some of the exposition dumps. I think Kitra's introductory monologue on being a servant was a bit long for example. But overall this was a solid piece.

  • Pray to the Dark

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    A series of vignettes showing the emotional difficulties the Nohrian nobles faced seeking validation from their parents. This includes Elise being rejected by her mother, Camilla having to assassinate a half-sister, and Leo feeling inferior to Xander, among others.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    Poor Elise! I feel awful for her! Though some of the stories seemed to contradict each other. Why are Corrin and Kamui in a dungeon? Who does Camilla kill for her mother? Perhaps I'm just confused because I haven't finished the Fates games yet. I'm going to read up on them thoroughly this week before rereading this piece.

  • The Kindling of a Flame

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Petrine, an accomplished hunter, wants to join Daein's army. Alexei, her (adoptive?) father, comes home with a posse of laguz. He tries to kill her to "get his claws back" and become whole. Petrine single-handedly defeats them and is recruited by Ashnard and the Black Knight.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    I liked the concept. But I didn't understand why Alexei thought killing Petrine would achieve anything. That's the one thing that makes me hesitant about this story. Alexei's ambush was so sudden and random. With no indications of prior malice, I'm left wondering what could possibly have been going through his head.

  • The Path of Conquest and Dragon Pokemon

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Corrin and Azura inexplicably turn into Salamence and Altaria. No one acknowledges the transformations, though Salamence wreaks havoc before being brought back to Castle Krakenberg. He kill Garon, which upsets his siblings. But all is forgiven after he and Altaria defeat Anankos.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    I don't know what I expected but it wasn't this.

    Edit: Just noticed this comes across negatively which wasn't my intention. Obviously this story was written to be over-the-top silly. I found the Nohrian siblings' reaction to Salamence taking a bite out of Garon particularly funny.

  • The Prince of Verdane

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Seliph's liberation army and Prince Cimbaeth's forces defeat Beige Ritter's army together. Cimbaeth explains why they should see the Loptyrian Sect as their common enemy and they join forces. After many battles, they march on Belhalla where Cimbaeth tries to kill Prince Julius.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    Cimbaeth's expositionary speech takes up half the story. Personally, I thought the detail in his speech was a little excessive, though it is successful at laying out the development of Cimbaeth position on things since King Batur's death. I'm sorry to admit I not the kind of person who's generally smitten by lore/world-building.

  • The Value of Refuse

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Renault confronts Nergal over his treatment of morphs as tools. Nergal decides to treat Renault worse, 'resurrecting' his friend and leaving him alive to suffer his anguish. Limstella meanwhile thinks over how best she can serve Nergal.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    I always assumed Limstella was a more recent morph, but I may be mistaken as I'm not sure that was ever explicitly clarified.. In any case, it was neat reading a Fire Emblem inspired play script. And I liked that you gave a peak into Limstella's (admittedly predictable) head. I had never considered how a morph (aside from Sonia) might think.

  • Too Much Not Enough

    Summary

      Reveal hidden contents

    Eliwood is constantly on the lookout for ways to extend Ninian's life. Eventually, he uses a spell that trades his life for hers. Ninian is devastated. All she wanted was to live with Eliwood. But eventually she finds joy in raising their son Roy.

    Thoughts

      Reveal hidden contents

    Ninian didn't really come across as having a personality beyond her love for Eliwood. But I suppose that's not too important here, and I felt for her regardless. Having traded away her immortality to live with Eliwood only to feel forced to live without him so as not to disrespect his sacrifice was a cruel but fascinating twist. And it's effective because I think it's a very credible interpretation of how Eliwood could have acted.

Thank you for taking your time doing this. I really should remember to put up a synopsis next time around.

2 hours ago, SpareTimeEntertainment said:

Ah! I was unable to check this for a few days while on teaching practicum and come back to all this magnificent activity! I want to thank all the admins and staff for getting the gallery up despite all the difficulties. So many magnificent entries! We truly are spoiled for choice in terms of talent and dedication. Specifically, I am awestruck at the FE7 Epic and Too Much Not Enough. They are just spectacular, and if you were to ask me right now my vote is going to one of them. Still nowhere near done going through them all, though!

I would love to thank @False Prophet, @Sunwoo and @Wist for their very kind words on Dragonson. I know it was a lot to get through and I want to thank you so much for sticking with it. I'm really glad you liked it - truth be told, I was really nervous about submitting it but now I'm happy I did. You honour me with your words!

I'm going to go through all the visual entries next while working my way through the fics - I'm so excited to see this through!

It's fine,bro, your story rocks!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Azel's Epilogue

Spoiler

"There were literary dozens of cultists laying low at every corner" Gives me the image of scholars reading in the darkness and looking up and saying "Do you mind!" as Arthur approaches. XD This one could do with another few read throughs, there's quite a few syntax mistakes ("Lady Aideen's weeding" is another particularly amusing one). Normally it's not something I'd mention but it's quite communion this story.

Bit confused with the scene with Alvis and Azel. Is this some alternate history where the Balhalla massacre didn't happen? Bloom was Tailto's brother and he managed to become a king just fine so I don't see how her being Reptor's daughter would make her a bad match in any way. Unless this is some kind of conversation held mere hours before the massacre when Sigurd and co were resting, which still wouldn't explain why Alvis is against the match (and wouldn't Azel already be married at this point?)

Anyway writing mistakes aside it is a good story. I feel as if it is grasping at something important. I'm not sure if it's intentional but there's some good irony with Azel being distant from his son and Victor's own lack of presence in Azel's life (by virtue of being dead but I doubt he'd be all that involved if h wasn't). Arthur's refusal to let Azel take the dukedom surprised me and I do enjoy being surprised by a work.

 

Edited by Jotari
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, Jotari said:

Azel's Epilogue (Just chapter 1 now, will edit in chapter 2 later)

  Reveal hidden contents

"There were literary dozens of cultists laying low at every corner" Gives me the image of scholars reading in the darkness and looking up and saying "Do you mind!" as Arthur approaches. XD This one could do with another few read throughs, there's quite a few syntax mistakes ("Lady Aideen's weeding" is another particularly amusing one). Normally it's not something I'd mention but it's quite communion this story.

Bit confused with the scene with Alvis and Azel. Is this some alternate history where the Balhalla massacre didn't happen? Bloom was Tailto's brother and he managed to become a king just fine so I don't see how her being Reptor's daughter would make her a bad match in any way. Unless this is some kind of conversation held mere hours before the massacre when Sigurd and co were resting, which still wouldn't explain why Alvis is against the match (and wouldn't Azel already be married at this point?)

Anyway writing mistakes aside it is a good story. I feel as if it is grasping at something important. I'm not sure if it's intentional but there's some good irony with Azel being distant from his son and Victor's own lack of presence in Azel's life. Arthur's refusal to let Azel take the dukedom surprised me and I do enjoy being surprised by a work. Looking forward to reading Chapter 2 when I can.

 

Thanks for the head up!

And about that scene between Azel and Alvis (as well as all of the flashback, including the one between Tailto and Azel), it was taken directly from Oosawa Mitsuki's FE4 manga. And your guess is correct - In the manga, Sigurd sent Azel and Tailto to deliver a letter to Alvis. While Tailto then went to her father and persuaded him to surrender, Azel and Alvis travelled home, which was when the particular scene happened.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@Wist

 

Yeah, I guess I should have made it clearer. I was hoping the fact that I drew attention to her (relatively) young age and that it was the first time she'd ever been exposed to the more gruesome aspects of the sword would be enough to get people to realize this isn't the Lucia we know from the games yet. At that moment, she's experiencing a lot of 'primal' things, like fear of the boar, anger at her master and the other students pushing her and taunting her, even pain when she falls and hits her shoulder (I deliberately left it ambiguous to highlight the confusion of the moment - though personally I view her hitting a small fragment of bone from another such test). All of these things together, I figured Lucia would get a bit caught up in it, like her master wants her to.

 

I can't seem to edit my above post to include this with the spoiler text. I mean, I can edit, but it won't let me move past it. So, just merge this with my apologies.

I read Cages last night. I really enjoyed it. I almost wish some of these were on FF.net so I could add them to my favorites list.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@Wist

Anything really, what you gave is a good example of feedback.

Spoiler

Yes the original ending was a battle against the bandits but I realized it was too predictable which is why I added a twist.

Yes I know the ending feels a little strange but I really did this on purpose. The story was getting really long on Doc (22 pages, which is a lot) and a cliffhanger is always nice to have to keep everyone interested.

One thing that I learned for making stories is that you always need to show the threat that is your villain, otherwise they look like a bunch of clowns. Basically, that ending was a first impression of the bad guys. But I prefer not to touch the story, I'll post it on the creative section after the contest. The rest of the story will be reveal later on :P. Basically, this story was some kind of teaser or even prologue if you want.

As for the narration itself, yes I do understand that along with the few grammar mistakes that I made which I'll try to correct in the other version.

 

Edited by Nym
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, TheFreelancerSeal said:

I can't seem to edit my above post to include this with the spoiler text. I mean, I can edit, but it won't let me move past it. So, just merge this with my apologies.

I read Cages last night. I really enjoyed it. I almost wish some of these were on FF.net so I could add them to my favorites list.

If you go to our website home page (serenesforest.net), there's a new Scribbles link that directs you to the galleries under the media tab. We'll be adding the 2015 entries too, but you'll be able to easily find any of the entries you liked if you ever want to read them again.

Edited by Tangerine
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Battle of Alucia

Spoiler

The present tense is really odd. Doesn't seem like there's really much use in it and there are moments when it deviates. The Open Sesame tome did get a genuine chuckle out of me though.

Beyond the Horizon

Spoiler

Well that's coincidental, two Cana's death stories in one tournament. Begs a comparison even if it's unfair. Overall this one was noticeably less predictable. However in a way that made it  lot more random than it could have been. Cana's wife showing up kind of came out of nowhere and the fact that she didn't have a name was really awkward. I think I might like Beyond the Veil better overall but this one does seem to have more competent writing (the sense of the snow storm was maintained really well throughout). I should not that fire time bias might also be in effect which is a shockingly powerful thing.

Cages

Spoiler

There's something absolutely wonderful about a supposed friend, as close as family, feeling bitter hatred towards someone who is naive about their feelings. I think it's what they wanted to go with with Fiora in Fates but it was just too subtle and had no real pay off (even though you can fight and effectively kill her). Great story (though maybe on a little long side) overall. It's mainly made me slightly more upset with Fate's writing. The whole maid character is so popular in Japanese media at the moment, if they had fully delved into this characterisation it would have been a magnificent subversion.

Edited by Jotari
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 3/25/2017 at 11:32 AM, Snike said:

@Wist

  Reveal hidden contents

Yes, it is. I think I could've done a better job on Alexei, but the idea is that he went to Gallia, and came back with a dozen friends. Given that Terin, nearby, was hosting one of Ashnard's tournaments that day, it isn't a very wild guess as to why he returned with them.

 

Spoiler

Yeah, I think you laid down enough clues, at least for readers who mostly remember the canon.

Also, I didn't mention this earlier, but I really like the dual meaning in your title.

 

8 hours ago, Jotari said:

Beyond the Horizon

  Reveal hidden contents

Well that's coincidental, two Cana's death stories in one tournament. Begs a comparison even if it's unfair. Overall this one was noticeably less predictable. However in a way that made it  lot more random than it could have been. Cana's wife showing up kind of came out of nowhere and the fact that she didn't have a name was really awkward. I think I might like Beyond the Veil better overall but this one does seem to have more competent writing (the sense of the snow storm was maintained really well throughout). I should not that fire time bias might also be in effect which is a shockingly powerful thing.

 

Spoiler

Funny how both have Beyond in the titles. Anyways, I agree A Shiver from Beyond (I assume that's what you meant by Beyond the Veil?)is better overall. What do you mean about first time bias though?

With regard to the wife, I was torn about whether I should invent a name for her. I hoped sidestepping the problem by having Canas use a pet name wouldn't feel too inauthentic. Perhaps that wasn't the best decision.

I had at least hoped I'd done an okay job of foreshadowing her appearance. But having never properly established a believable reason for her to be there, I understand it not really having been satisfactory. That's one thing A Shiver from Beyond did quite well. In that story you get a much more solid sense/understanding of why each characters is where they are.

 

Edited by Wist
I despise the WYSIWYG editor.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, Wist said:

 

  Hide contents

Yeah, I think you laid down enough clues, at least for readers who mostly remember the canon.

Also, I didn't mention this earlier, but I really like the dual meaning in your title.

 

  Hide contents

Funny how both have Beyond in the titles. Anyways, I agree A Shiver from Beyond (I assume that's what you meant by Beyond the Veil?)is better overall. What do you mean about first time bias though?

With regard to the wife, I was torn about whether I should invent a name for her. I hoped sidestepping the problem by having Canas use a pet name wouldn't feel too inauthentic. Perhaps that wasn't the best decision.

I had at least hoped I'd done an okay job of foreshadowing her appearance. But having never properly established a believable reason for her to be there, I understand it not really having been satisfactory. That's one thing A Shiver from Beyond did quite well. In that story you get a much more solid sense/understanding of why each characters is where they are.

 

 

Posted my response twice but it accidentally got deleted. I forgot to mention the second time that despite your own comment, I thought Nino's personality did manage to come through in the story. And by first time bias I mean the first exposure to a something being more impactful. Sort of like the opposite of cliche.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, SoulWeaver said:

@eclipse @Jotari

Looks like we were able to get my entry reformatted to not be a wall of text, so hopefully you guys can get through it now. Let me know if we should be changing the font as well.

The font is bigger, which helps.  However, it's still too flowery for me to read.  Something boring like Arial/Times New Roman would help a lot.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...