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Let's Play Final Fantasy Tactics (WOTL): The Nadir of Videogames


Parrhesia
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Update 28
In Which We Face a Startling Reversion to the Mean

Content warning below: Sexual assault by a family member is mentioned. Skip to the second spoiler to avoid it and get straight to the gameplay.

Spoiler

 

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So I hope nobody here was waiting in suspense as to Marach's motive because here's his sister to just straight-up tell us everything. But who is this anonymous benefactor!

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Oh, heavy-handed exposition? You shouldn't have! Aw, you're so sweet. But hey, at least it's setting up a sympathetic character in opposition to the-

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And then Marach just straight-up slaps his sister.

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Yep. Excellent. Straight after the excellence that was Grog Hill, we're straight into 'hey, look, just so you know how edgy and grimdark this world is, this character's been raped by her foster father!'

What a good game

What an excellent game, which has writing that is praised, to use that as a cheap plot device which will never even come up again. It is literally only to hammer home BARRINGTON IS BAD. BARRINGTON IS A BAD MAN - which we knew since she just said he's a fucking war criminal. No, to answer your question, we haven't seen him - he isn't even one of Goltanna's retinue of interchangeable warcrime nobles. The game just really, really wants us to know that 

Fucking hell, even the FE hack I wrote the dialogue for as a teenager was less edgelord garbage than this. And believe me, that hack is really bad.

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Marach is entirely fine with his sister having been raped by their father. Hell, he is upset with Rapha for this.

I'm going to spoil it now - Marach is fucking recruitable.

I fucking hate this game.

 

Spoiler

 

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Introducing Crime Deluxe!

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We don't even get a choice. MERCURIO DOES NOT EVEN SAY ANYTHING. He just wordlessly protects this random chick.

And I'm relatively okay with it, for once. Hell, it might not make that much sense, but it's Mercurio, and it's Rapha, and Rapha deserves to be protected.

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Mercurio chooses, when his turn rolls around, to instead criticise Marach's timekeeping. Marach's like, "look I just came to deliver a message, nobody is going to stop me from killing my snitch sister"

Marach is a recruitable character.

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Rapha does the only sensible thing, which is to charge her terrible attack and run away. She does not always do this. Sometimes she stays put, or charges deeper into enemy lines, and we need to protect her, and she is fragile.

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In the only decent thing about this map, even Marach's thugs are wondering what the fuck they're doing here.

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Marach had no way of knowing we would stumble upon him here. He brought a set of thugs to help him murder Rapha without telling him they were going to murder Rapha. If we hadn't shown up, they would have probably defended Rapha and killed Marach, which would have been hilarious.

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Marach is a recruitable character.

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Both Marach and Rapha are terrible at fighting. I will not begrudge Rapha this and I will laugh at Marach. Their attacks hit a random number of times in a cross formation, and are entirely happy to hit random squares. Rapha utterly battered her zone, missing twice and hitting three times. Marach swung once and missed. Marach's Faith formulas are reversed, so he'll actually annihilate Mercurio or Thurio, but, well. He's as terrible a unit as he is a human being, so whatever.

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Rapha has loads of faith and MA and terrible bravery and PA. Marach is the opposite. Whatever.

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Portia kills someone and parkours over them, just because she can.

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Mercurio goes on a rampage, killing two guys - including Marach's dissenter, which is a shame since I wanted to recruit that guy but whatever.

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And then he dies behind this wall.

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Of course.

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Simple enough as soon as Rapha got out of the way.

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"LET US HIDE" shouts Mercurio.

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Fortunately Rapha will continue to tell us how mighty and Satanic Barrington is, since he has been irrelevant thus far.

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That makes Mercurio think a bit.

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A pretty telling response. Mercurio's just doing what he thinks anyone would do under the circumstances, knowing what he knows.

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Rapha somehow forgives Marach despite absolutely no show of remorse. Despite Marach openly wanting to kill her. The player is expected to forgive him, also. I will not.

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Mercurio explains to the Barrington-reared child assassin that Barrington rears child assassins.

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Barrington at least has an interesting premise. He's an unambiguously despicable sick, sadistic fuck, and I want to kill him. If nothing else, FFT has finally supplied the protagonist with a fitting target they are closing in on, someone to really sink their teeth into.

I'd like to reiterate; no spoilers.

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Yeah, I'm sorry, Rapha.

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jesus christ. menacing music plays as this frog threatens us.

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fuck final fantasy tactics, subtitle war of the lions.

KILL COUNTER
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Edited by Parrhesia
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Oh.. Oh dear.

All humor and fun that still remains is now forever lost to time.

Yeah even I hated this part deep down way back when I saw my first playthrough. To say nothing of what happens next, this part is junk and even now I still get riled up. Rapha did nothing wrong. (except being in a bad class)

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Marach is a recruitable character.

 

jesus christ even if i respected final fantasy tactics a single bit this update was shithouse enough to make me discard the rest of the writing of this fucking game on principle.

 

this game is literally the patriarchy

Edited by Integrity
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you know since this whole segment just kind of leaves a really bad taste in the mouth i would be okay with just submitting the like, 3-4 updates required to just race to the end of Act 3 in one day. thoughts

Edited by Parrhesia
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6 minutes ago, Parrhesia said:

you know since this whole segment just kind of leaves a really bad taste in the mouth i would be okay with just submitting the like, 3-4 updates required to just race to the end of Act 3 in one day. thoughts

 

please get it over with, fuck this game forever

 

EDIT: this update made me angrier than it had any right to do, fuck fft

Edited by Integrity
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6 minutes ago, Parrhesia said:

you know since this whole segment just kind of leaves a really bad taste in the mouth i would be okay with just submitting the like, 3-4 updates required to just race to the end of Act 3 in one day. thoughts

please 

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Update 29
In Which I Can't Really Think of a Title Because Fuck FFT but at Least Nothing Overtly Horrible Happens

Spoiler

 

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- and then a shuriken's hurled out of nowhere, at Ovelia.

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You know, I really do think these scenes were just invented to showcase more of the gorgeous and criminally underutilised Northern Sky outfits.

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Like I'm pretty sure in the PS1 you only saw Northern Sky knights and black magi. That was it.

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Hilariously, the second assassin's crit pushes Ovelia out of range of her second swing.

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Delita's a serious contender right now. Inexplicably he has seven job levels in thief.

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Delita rips them to shreds.

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In all honesty, I'm not sure these really add anything. It does, at least, spice up an otherwise really boring update. What do you think will happen in the Yuguo Woods? Do you think we will learn more about Barrington?

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No. We get a random battle with a guest.

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One of their mages charges a big attack spell on Selkie - only problem is, the ghosts throw so many weak attacks at her that she gains 3 speed, ends up moving BEFORE the spell goes off and sleeps the mage.

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Portia is less fortunate.

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The clusterfucks continue. One time mage charges a Gravity on Selkie, which the other invalidates by just hitting and beating her down. She would have caught herself in the blast but Agrias vapourised her. Thurio also vapourised a ghost and Rafa would have vapourised two, had she with any of her... well, I lost count, but it was somehow around twelve or thirteen fuckbeams and none of them hit the black mage's square.

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Mercurio can still throw rocks.

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Yyyyep, that's it, somehow.

But don't worry. Next update will more than make up for it. Riovanes marks the end of Act 3 and... ahaha.
Yeah.

KILL COUNTER
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No, you can't entice ghosts.

 

 

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Update 30
In Which ughhhh

Spoiler

 

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Introducing Duke Barrington; amateur architect and paedophile. Note Wiglaf's very much human presence here. Also of note - these two knights might be positioned like they're Barrington's dudes, but remembering Marach's fight and his mentioning the Templarate, Barrington's dudes are neutral OpFor green.

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I am really not sure how the meaning could possibly escape Folmarv.

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Barrington knows the balance of power's swinging Illuminati.

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Folmarv fake-laughs.

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It's once bitten twice shy for the Illuminati - Baert already screwed them over once just through a general lack of competence.

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Okay this shadowboxing's getting really dull now. He calls for Marach, who enters with Isilud.

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Marach gazes on approvingly. Aroused, even.

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Okay, so no, they just forgot to switch the colour schemes around and all Barrington's dudes just look like templars for some reason. Note how he's a Riovanes Guard talking to Barrington, rather than a Gryphon who would address Volmarv.

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Of course he will. Wordlessly.

Folmarv asks Barrington, straight-up, what he actually wants.

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Barrington is actually a credible threat and our first opponent whose plotting actually puts him into an advantageous position. Right now, he's got the Illuminati by the balls.

That said, for plot reasons, he comes to a different conclusion about Judas' Diary than Mercurio, reckoning it is useful evidence - Mercurio dismisses it alone. I forget if that was in a conversation or in his own notes about it.

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Barrington's method of speech is impossibly smug, even by the standards of a game in which EVERYONE is impossibly smug.

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Annoyingly, I miss a line; Barrington: "Do not think to threaten me! This is not a battle you can think to win!"

However, there's something he didn't account for.

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The Plot.

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Hilariously this is the exact moment when Isilud, a snot-nosed little brat, is about to discover the Illuminati was right all along.

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He runs for it.

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... Aaand then it all turns gold, and people start screaming.

Also confirmation that these dudes, despite being temple colours, are Barrington's.

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Let us talk once more to Marach, who is a recruitable character, and who is doubling down on his intentions to kill Rapha for the crime of having been sexually assaulted by their father, revealing his motive as, essentially, cowardice.

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If Marach and Rapha can murder Rapha, they will both go free. Hmm. That doesn't add up.

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Marach made absolutely no attempt to redirect Rapha when he stumbled on us last town.

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Because fuck you, I guess, there's a knight hidden where literally none of the eight camera angles can see him. This is a freezeframe of a switch between angles.

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Fuck you, Marach.

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Marach, a recruitable character, taunts Mercurio.

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Rapha's the only intelligent character in the game.

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That... was an excruciating crit to take.

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Fortunately, luck smiles upon me. Marach, a worthless failure of a person, misses Mercurio with three fuckbeams and the archer can't shoot either.

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Oration is really good.

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First knight down.

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Still alive.

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I hate this fucking game, swear to God. But the game hates the player far, far more.

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We mop the rest of them up pretty easily. The archers have an exceptional position - the knights are hopelessly out of position, and Marach is just worthless.

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This dead guy throws open the gates for us - what was our plan, exactly, were they not thrown open? - and undercutting the seriousness of the occasion somewhat is the floatboy's corpse continuing to ... float.

It's been a long update. But rest assured - Riovanes Hell continues.

KILL COUNTER
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The nicest thing you can say about the enemy variety in this chapter is it actually had one LESS unit type than usual.

 

 

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"please brother we can leave together" she says to the man who, upon hearing about her rape by their father, punched her in the face and denied that it ever happened

 

fuck final fantasy tactics

 

EDIT: this is me, sjw hitler-senpai, decrying final fantasy tactics as not a bad work, but a literal subversive work, which should be burned to the ground

Edited by Integrity
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14 minutes ago, Integrity said:

"please brother we can leave together" she says to the man who, upon hearing about her rape by their father, punched her in the face and denied that it ever happened

 

fuck final fantasy tactics

 

EDIT: this is me, sjw hitler-senpai, decrying final fantasy tactics as not a bad work, but a literal subversive work, which should be burned to the ground

I think no one would defend Malak/Marach. I mean, it's not like they have Rapha wanting to basically destroy her father, and all he stands for, but rather "I need my brother." It's... Honestly one of the sickest things I've seen in a game. I'm not even sure if it's supposed to be that rage inducing. 

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I genuinely think the game intends Marach to be sympathetic. It's that tonedeaf.

Edited by Parrhesia
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nobody should defend marach, i agree, but nobody should even defend a game that marach is even included in. he's that bad. he's bad enough that the entire game is tainted by him existing in this part, even ignoring the parts of the game that don't have marach and are still shithouse

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Update 31
In Which a Gold Armour Dude is Finally Slain

Spoiler

 

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This might be the only thought bubble in the game.

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A lot of screaming - all distorted versions of the normal deathscream, to no music. It is a little eerie.

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This guy, presumably the brother of the guy who threw open the gates for us, throws open the door.

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Alma does what little she can.

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And then she runs.

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Wiglaf has untransformed just to look at the results.

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Well - that and to settle this the old-fashioned way.

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Thing is? Wiglaf's dead. More or less, in any case.

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It's just Aries now.

Welcome to the worst fight in the game.

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Wiglaf is higher-level than you with better gear than you - he has Holy Sword techniques that are better than anything you can do, and Counter to ensure that the action economy stays in his favour forever. Our Mercurio is more or less perfect for this. Most are not.

We're slightly faster, meaning that the fight is allowed to continue for now.

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We get absurdly lucky. We have a 58% chance to hit him - we did so twice - and while I don't know the exact number we have less evade.

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Boom. If Mercurio hadn't dodged the initial counter, he'd be dead. And remember, Holy Sword is 100% accurate.

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Mercurio?

I think he fucking KNOWS.

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God, SHUT THE FUCK UP!

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So, we got lucky again. We needed three from four 60%-on-average hits to hit, and we needed his 60% shot to miss. We have a build that makes Mercurio extremely fast and powerful. What does a weaker Mercurio do? You might have a nerd Mercurio, for example. For most Mercurios, winning a straight fight simply isn't possible.

The only universal way to win is through Mettle and Item. Mercurio can always be made to at least tank one hit. Through a combination of healing potions (ideally Auto-Potion) and Tailwind spam, he can get himself up to proper beast mode status, get four turns for every one of Wiglaf's and eventually close in and beat him down.

By the way, I really hope you didn't happen to have a starsign with an unfavourable compatibility. That would be bad.

If you don't have the JP for that? Well, I really hope you kept a backup save file from before entering Riovanes.

Oh, and by the way? Wiglaf was nerfed in WotL.

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And Wiglaf teleports out. I wasn't prepared to take the screenshot since I didn't think even FFT could have that little respect for the player.

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But it does.

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Naturally.

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WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU GUYS.

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'For true'. 'Pow'r'. Fuck you Belias.

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Mercurio, naturally, is unchanged from last fight. Usually this is a boon because he'll have 40 speed. This time, he's just injured.

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Our Mercurio is insanely fucking strong.

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Nice knowing you two.

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This guy finishes off Mercurio with a bucket of particle effects.

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I'll just have to get fucked, I guess.

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okay thurio and his Three Health are just gonna...

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... um...

So we load state, which, by the way, is a state, not a save. Normally you'd have to redo the entire Wiglaf fight which we, basically optimally kitted out, won through sheer luck.

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This time, I'll just make Thurio completely immune to magic.

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Portia still dies immediately. Mercurio follows.

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Look; why not? As much as I want to chicken him, I'm fairly sure Lucavi are immune to all status.
Then Portia can't reduce his Faith further. I guess maybe it's 0 now.

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It might have actually worked. Okay, granted, 'worked' is still he kills one guy a turn, but.

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Purged.

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But a mixture of aggressive sandbagging and pouring on the sick DPS, we win the day.

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Shut up, nerd.

KILL COUNTER
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One more trophy. One final Wiglaf. But we aren't quite done yet.

 

 

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Netherseer (天冥士, ten mei shi?), also known as Hell Knight, is a special job from Final Fantasy Tactics. Marach's default job, the Netherseer is based on a lack of Faith. They use their disbelief in Gods to damage a large range of enemies.

disbelief in Gods

disbelief in Gods

Edited by Dandragon
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