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TheSilentChloey

The Shadow Tactician: To Challenge Fate Feedback Thread

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Hello all I have decided to post a fan-fiction called The Shadow Tactician: To Challenge Fate and would welcome constructive feedback where possible please. (Obviously I have finally come up with a title :D:)

 

References for Chapter 1:

Spoiler
  1. Robin is actually the un-named Avatar's mother that Validar mentions
  2. Marth is clearly a reference to the Hero King Marth and Kris his "tactician"
  3. Obvious game reference to Awakening :XD:
  4. Caleb is based on my MaMu :D:

References for Chapter 2:

Spoiler
  1. Caleb's asset is magic and his flaw is strength (hence why Kjelle can beat him when it comes to physical combat...in fact most of the Shepherd's kids can save for Laurent, Cynthia and Brady
  2. Caleb's book that he got from the merchant is s book that details the skills within Awakening that characters can learn, much like how we use Serenes to research skills and class exclusive skills
  3. Caleb gives us a more accurate description on how the skill Ignus works expect he doesn't mention that it's triggered via the skill stat
  4. Mild Fire Emblem Awakening Comic reference Marth vs Lon'qu also reference to Basilio's line of dialogue in Chapter 4 of Awakening
  5. The shadow is Grima!Caleb of course
  6. Caleb seeing what we the player of Awakening see
  7. Mild reference to the M!Avatar and Lon'qu's support chain in Lon'qu and Caleb's mini sparring match

References for Chapter 3:

Spoiler
  1. Robin's past with the Grimleal
  2. Caleb dreaming about Grima trying to take him from his friends
  3. Caleb dreaming inside of a dream
  4. The start of Chapter 4 of the game
  5. Caleb gets lost in a book because that happens

 

References for Chapter 4:

Spoiler

This chapter is mostly calling back to Chapter 4 of Awakening.  As such most of the references are based on that.

 

Edited by TheSilentChloey
I chose a title for the story!

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Is this a different story from the one that you wrote from Deviant art?

Also references, I wonder where I saw that :P:.

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1 minute ago, Nym said:

Is this a different story from the one that you wrote from Deviant art?

Also references, I wonder where I saw that :P:.

This one is on dA as well but it focuses on a different tactician and I figured that I would hold a spot for any references that come up :XD:

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15 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

This one is on dA as well but it focuses on a different tactician and I figured that I would hold a spot for any references that come up :XD:

Nice, I'll give it a read soon enough.

I need to start working on chapter 3 soon, probably after my exams.

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Good luck with those exams!  I always did poorly when it came down to it.

 

Funny thing is I've got chapter 23 of Invisible Ties almost 50% rough draft done and this one hasn't got chapter 3 yet.  So good times :XD:

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14 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Good luck with those exams!  I always did poorly when it came down to it.

 

Funny thing is I've got chapter 23 of Invisible Ties almost 50% rough draft done and this one hasn't got chapter 3 yet.  So good times :XD:

Thanks Chloey! I'm average really, but I had good notes on French (since it's one of the main thing to pass just like English for you probably) so I'm feeling great and confident.

Yeah chapter 23 was like one of the biggest chapter in the game, no wonder it takes so much time to write a story about it.

Edited by Nym

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6 minutes ago, Nym said:

Thanks Chloey! I'm average really, but I had good notes on French (since it's one of the main thing to pass just like English for you probably) so I'm feeling great and confident.

Yeah chapter 23 was like one of the biggest chapter in the game, no wonder it takes so much time to write a story about it.

I'm actually not even up to chapter 23 of the game yet :XD: I'm about the point just before chapter 15 of the Valm Arc in the actual story atm.  What I'm writing in the story is the side chapters in the game.  And I'm not entirely sure who will be next.

 

(Also you're welcome :XD:)

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Hey I finished reading the first 2 chapters!

Let just take care of this first: I think you made a few typo by accident, here's some that I find:

Quote

Lady Maribelle struggled back to the palace with the Falchion injured  (I don't think a sword can be injured, Chloey xD) (Chapter 1)

Quote

I was think of us trying to learn something that might help in combat, (Chapter 2)

With that out of the way:

Really like the idea of going for the perspective of Lucina instead of Shepherds. That's really nice since you can explain that the game doesn't explain (like why would Lucina fight her father in arena since there's a risk that she kills him by accident or why the kids took forever to regroup.

Also like the few modifications like Valadar being the avatar's husband instead of the father.

However do be careful about Caleb, because if you don't give him enough character developement, he will become a clone of either his mother or maybe his future younger brother/younger sister.

But I really think you have a lot of potiential with this story, especially to tell something that the game didn't show.

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11 hours ago, Nym said:

Hey I finished reading the first 2 chapters!

Let just take care of this first: I think you made a few typo by accident, here's some that I find:

With that out of the way:

Really like the idea of going for the perspective of Lucina instead of Shepherds. That's really nice since you can explain that the game doesn't explain (like why would Lucina fight her father in arena since there's a risk that she kills him by accident or why the kids took forever to regroup.

Also like the few modifications like Valadar being the avatar's husband instead of the father.

However do be careful about Caleb, because if you don't give him enough character developement, he will become a clone of either his mother or maybe his future younger brother/younger sister.

But I really think you have a lot of potiential with this story, especially to tell something that the game didn't show.

Actually Caleb is the avatar and Robin is the avatar's mother.  Also Caleb will go through some character development just not right away.  Also I figured that the reader would have assumed that Maribelle was injured not the sword :XD: my bad if that didn't come out right!

 

I haven't actually seen many fan-fictions that cover that so I decided that it would be fun to do, plus blow some minds while I was at it :D:!

Edited by TheSilentChloey

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20 hours ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Actually Caleb is the avatar and Robin is the avatar's mother.  Also Caleb will go through some character development just not right away.  Also I figured that the reader would have assumed that Maribelle was injured not the sword :XD: my bad if that didn't come out right!

Ohhhh, I thought he was just an additional kid that you added, didn't know he was the avatar while Robin became her own character.

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19 minutes ago, Nym said:

Ohhhh, I thought he was just an additional kid that you added, didn't know he was the avatar while Robin became her own character.

So did I blow your mind yet?

(Check the references in the spoiler.  I would have thought stat asset and flaw would have given the game away :XD:)

Edited by TheSilentChloey

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12 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

So did I blow your mind yet?

(Check the references in the spoiler.  I would have thought stat asset and flaw would have given the game away :XD:)

Mayyybe

Also two can play this game... euh wait I shouldn't have said that.

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Just now, Nym said:

Mayyybe

Also two can play this game... euh wait I shouldn't have said that.

Lol, I have more mind blowing in store don't worry :XD:

I suppose though that Caleb will have to show off the fun and games later.

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2 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Lol, I have more mind blowing in store don't worry :XD:

I suppose though that Caleb will have to show off the fun and games later.

So do I.

We also have a few tricks up our sleeves, well not actually US but you get the idea.

Edited by Nym

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9 hours ago, Nym said:

So do I.

We also have a few tricks up our sleeves, well not actually US but you get the idea.

Of course I do :XD: I'll be sure to throw in some plot twists and what not for fun!

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References for Chapter 5

  1. The title of Chapter 5 is a reference to Grima's line: "The future is built upon the past,"
  2.  Bubbles is Gaius' name for the Avatar (conclusive proof that Caleb is the Avatar so confusion should be gone)
  3. Caleb's nightmare is mostly Grima's memories
  4.  Blast is a Laurent's defeat quote...sort of
  5. I'm not explaining the part with Grima because that was seriously the worst part of this chapter.

 

Edited by TheSilentChloey

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References for Chapter 6:

 

  1. "Your Kind Will Never See It!" is based off the rest of Grima's words to Lucina in her own timeline.
  2. Grima made Morgan obviously...so time travelling Morgan shenanigans yay.
  3. Obviously the nightmares are of the timeline that Lucina came from.
  4. Some not so subtle Caleb x Lucina shenanigans
  5. The Avatar's and Lucina's S-Support obviously
  6. Lucina's Confession Line.
     

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References for Chapter 7:

  1. Marc/Mark is the tactician of one of the old FE games (I'm not sure which one...I think it's FE 7, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong)
  2. Master Grima is Grima!Caleb of course looks like someone became a father...
  3. Marc/Whatever she names herself is a reference to F!Morgan in Awakening except that she doesn't have as many memories and hasn't lost them
     

Not that many this chapter but the next chapter should have a few more :D:

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References for Chapter 8:

  1. Lost in Time is a reference to Celldweller's song by the same title (and I wrote the chapter listening to that song)
  2. “Daddy there was a big bunny over there!” is an obvious reference to the Taguel Yarne
  3. Hero of Time is a reference to Link from Occarina of Time
  4. The Justice Cabal makes their first appreance, so look forward to the next mention
  5. Severa's stab is basically meant to be at Cordelia and her unrequited love for Chrom
  6. Lucina and the others are travelling past Grima's skull/bones
  7. “Water under a bridge Chrom,”  is based off Chrom and F!Avatar's support.  Although I did pull it out.

 

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References for Chapter 9:

  1. Chapter 11 of Awakening beginning
  2. My head cannon about Inigo (obviously before Fates)
  3. A slight alteration of Yarne and F!Morgan's support conversations
  4. "Boss" is the way Brady refers to the Avatar naturally
  5. "A whole new can of worms opened up" basically opened up a world of trouble or made things worse
  6. Owain is of course being Owain...he's got a novel coming out that's based on this little love story :P:
  7. Alana is actually the name of a character of a book series I read once that was known as the Lioness (I haven't read said series in a while but it did stick clearly)

 

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References for Chapter 10:

  1. Home Base is a slight reference that will be explained in future chapters
  2. Caleb's birthday is 19th April which is actually a meta reference to a half brother of mine who has the same birthday :D: Hurray for little brothers :XD:
  3. Obvious Lissa/Lon'qu support conversation is obvious
  4. Assumption that Plegian is its own language
  5. Quote

    I suppose you don't want the possibility of the vessel for Grima? Fine, I won't use the normal magics,” Tharja responded, “you have my word Lady Robin,”

    is of course a reference to not wanting Grima's vessel
  6.  Obvious reference to Cynthia's recruitment chapter is obvious :XD:
  7. Angry Grima because why not?

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References for Chapter 11:

  1. Future Shepherd Shenanigans :D:
  2. Caleb is not a morning person which is a slight reference to a fan fiction where Chrom isn't the morning person
  3. Timeskip shenanigans of course.
  4. Chrom is more observant than the game implies...
  5. Another reference to the fan-fiction called Sleep Ins except with added implications :XD:

 

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References for Chapter 12:

  1. Minor reference of the fan fiction Go Get Her Tiger
  2. "Oh phulease," Is one of Vaike's spoken lines
  3. Severa was very close to walking in on Caleb and Lucina :XD:
  4. The puppet hiding behind the curtain is a reference from an old Cleopatra movie I just so happened to see once.
  5. Dark magic is dark so stealing voices certainly sounds like something that's possible.
  6. Mild reference to how Alana was made...

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And now we come to the hard part.  References for Chapter 13.

1. The title is a slight play on words to a song that I heard ("my heart is a ghost town").

2. Kjelle's recruitment chapter minus Chrom and Sully of course

3. Sneaky Invisible Ties reference with a gender swap.  Let's see if you can find it :D:

4. We get a more gentle Grima, or rather what is left of the Caleb that became Grima

5. Sneaky Shadows of Valentia reference

6. Lovebird is a reference to "Lovebirds" obviously

7. The town is actually from Claymore if you've ever had the chance to read it.

8. Obviously Chrom and Robin met Grima!Caleb

9. Lucina saves the day and so does Caleb

10. Caleb x Lucina shenanigans

11. Chapter 13 of Awakening.

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First and foremost, is there a reason this isn't marked for Mature Content? I'm not familiar with the fanfiction subforum here as I usually only have my writing in Google Docs that I still need to link most of to my profile page, so I don't know if there are any rules about that, but it seems like you can't be too careful.

Overall, a good story that covers exactly the kind of concept I prefer to write about - the what if. It could use quite a bit of sentence cleanup, though.

Edited by SoulWeaver

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