The Shadow Tactician: To Challenge Fate Feedback Thread

[TheSilentChloey]

2 hours ago, SoulWeaver said:

First and foremost, is there a reason this isn't marked for Mature Content? I'm not familiar with the fanfiction subforum here as I usually only have my writing in Google Docs that I still need to link most of to my profile page, so I don't know if there are any rules about that, but it seems like you can't be too careful.

Overall, a good story that covers exactly the kind of concept I prefer to write about - the what if. It could use quite a bit of sentence cleanup, though.

I do believe I may have tagged it but I'll check again and fix it.

[SoulWeaver]

'K, thanks. By the way, I'll post more specific feedback after I run through it again, but since I'm doing so anyways do you want me to do sentence cleanup for you while I'm at it? It's one of the lesser-known services I offer in addition to trolling, being obnoxious, overappreciating Roy, and whining about the lack of a Binding Blade remake. If you're fine with it the way it is, that's cool as it's definitely quite readable, but if not I can copy-paste it to a Google Doc, clean it up a bit, and shoot you the link so you can edit the topic.

Edited January 10, 2018 by SoulWeaver
clarification

[TheSilentChloey]

On 1/9/2018 at 11:32 AM, SoulWeaver said:

'K, thanks. By the way, I'll post more specific feedback after I run through it again, but since I'm doing so anyways do you want me to do sentence cleanup for you while I'm at it? It's one of the lesser-known services I offer in addition to trolling, being obnoxious, overappreciating Roy, and whining about the lack of a Binding Blade remake. If you're fine with it the way it is, that's cool as it's definitely quite readable, but if not I can copy-paste it to a Google Doc, clean it up a bit, and shoot you the link so you can edit the topic.

Thanks for the offer.  I think the last few chapters (part of 13, all of 14 and 15) do need me to go through them again but other than that the rest should be reasonable.  I know that they can seem long but that's because there is a lot of info in there that I couldn't cut into smaller parts even if I wanted to.

[SoulWeaver]

I meant more like punctuation issues - you have a couple spots where you seem to have switched periods and commas around, whether intentionally or unintentionally, such as this excerpt from Chapter 9:

Spoiler

Meanwhile Marc was trying to think of the name that she liked.  She frowned as everyone seemed eager to hear what she had to say.  She looked to Caleb helplessly and he realised what had happened, “It slipped away didn't it little one,” He said gently and the small girl nodded and began to sniffle,
“I-I's heard its but i-it's GONE!” Marc cried and Lucina reached to comfort the girl,
“It's alright Marc,” Lucina gently soothed the child, “I'm sure it will come to you and when it does we'll be able to call you that name,”
“I's,” Marc sniffled, “I's heard it befores...when Is was really tiny,”
Caleb looked at Lucina.  They began to wonder what Marc meant but they decided that for now they would find out what was going on.  And then do something they'd been meaning to do for some time now.  After all Lucina knew that making them official was important.  Especially since Ingio wouldn't take a hint and they had to keep him from interfering with them.  Especially since the fool didn't think to draw the line at lovers and did for a married couple.  Perhaps that was why he was spurned by so many women.  Perhaps the ones that he harassed already had a lover and they didn't want him.

In this instance, all the times you end a line with a comma you should probably end the line with a period instead, particularly the two times you end the line with dialogue as the comma implies that they're just pausing for a moment and will continue shortly, but then don't. You also have a little bit of superfluous text that doesn't need to be fixed, but could be fixed to make it ever so slightly smaller, such as the end bit, which I would redo to state something to the effect of "Perhaps that was why he was spurned by so many women - some among them likely already had lovers and didn't want him."

Anyways, glad you're happy with the majority of it, I'll take another look through for more serious commentary when I can, probably not until tomorrow or Friday.

[TheSilentChloey]

Ah so minor things like that huh?   I guess I have some work ahead then!

[SoulWeaver]

Yeah, it can be a pain, hence my offer as I'm going to go back through it all anyways - I always go through a fanfic solely for the story the first time and save my criticism for round two. It was very good, though, and you have me interested in where this other Grima thing is going considering you're essentially doing Fire Emblem: Inception, plus Marc's name had me imagining the endgame being that she would go back in time and become her own great-grandmother to ensure that Robin went through the trials that would eventually lead to Caleb's birth, thus cementing her own existence, which would be diabolical.

[TheSilentChloey]

4 hours ago, SoulWeaver said:

Yeah, it can be a pain, hence my offer as I'm going to go back through it all anyways - I always go through a fanfic solely for the story the first time and save my criticism for round two. It was very good, though, and you have me interested in where this other Grima thing is going considering you're essentially doing Fire Emblem: Inception, plus Marc's name had me imagining the endgame being that she would go back in time and become her own great-grandmother to ensure that Robin went through the trials that would eventually lead to Caleb's birth, thus cementing her own existence, which would be diabolical.

It would be however rest assured there will quite possibly be more than just Alana...but I am not going into spoiler territories at this stage.  Rest assured however I will eventually reveal all (or in the next story if that so happens).

[SoulWeaver]

9 hours ago, TheSilentChloey said:

It would be however rest assured there will quite possibly be more than just Alana...but I am not going into spoiler territories at this stage.  Rest assured however I will eventually reveal all (or in the next story if that so happens).

Wait, more than Alana…so Yarne too, seeing as how that's like his one big issue with life, ensuring his own survival…but wait, he can't go back because he's the last one, if he goes back then there aren't any more Taguel left…but if he doesn't go back then for all he knows his mother might never even meet his father...

You, ma'am, are indeed diabolical.

[TheSilentChloey]

6 hours ago, SoulWeaver said:

Wait, more than Alana…so Yarne too, seeing as how that's like his one big issue with life, ensuring his own survival…but wait, he can't go back because he's the last one, if he goes back then there aren't any more Taguel left…but if he doesn't go back then for all he knows his mother might never even meet his father...

You, ma'am, are indeed diabolical.

 

Not like that!

 

Basically if you have been paying attention to the story Alana was bought over by Grima as a "shadow" host if you will which is a reference to another fan-fiction (Cold Tea iirc). It's not about them going back to secure their survival (except for Grima).  I'm doing a what if the vessel for Grima was a part of the group that went back to stop Grima...and diabolical doesn't really suit me that much

[SoulWeaver]

On January 11, 2018 at 5:11 PM, TheSilentChloey said:

Not like that!

Basically if you have been paying attention to the story Alana was bought over by Grima as a "shadow" host if you will which is a reference to another fan-fiction (Cold Tea iirc). It's not about them going back to secure their survival (except for Grima).  I'm doing a what if the vessel for Grima was a part of the group that went back to stop Grima...and diabolical doesn't really suit me that much

All the same, now you've got me going off on my own idea for a parallel world to the Awakening I already had my group travel through(twice) and it's looking quite lovely, so thanks for that!

Whether it suits you well or not, the fact is you've caught Yarne in a catch-22, so…diabolical it is, at least for that. Looking forward to future updates!

EDIT! So I started up my second readthrough, though I only had time to do the first chapter. Your opening is very good, but there's a jarring point.

"...her son would have to finish her work if it came to her own life was ended"

The end of the sentence is kind of wonky. I can tell what you were trying to say, but it still sort of forces a disconnect. Perhaps change the wording to something along the lines of "her son would have to finish her work if the worst-case scenario became reality." or something to the same effect? You're the writer, so whatever sounds best to you, but I recommend at least changing that section to something a little more fluid. I would also recommend making the end of the italicized section trail off with a '…' as that may increase the impact of the section. Those are the main things I see so far, the actual story part is good barring a couple errors that were either the aforementioned comma/period swap or clearly autocorrect issues and I thus ignored them. I'm a little bothered Chrom knows who Kris is as the entire point of the ending of New Mystery was that Kris and his/her group's contributions were intentionally erased from the annals of history, but that's more of a personal nitpick so you can ignore it as just me being obnoxious if you want. I'll see how much I have time to get through tomorrow.

Also, if you have any spare time to help a guy out, I'm trying to come up with an alias for Lucina for the purposes of my own story, but haven't managed to think of anything that fits. It needs to sound relatively like an Altean name, whatever that means, and she can't just be Marth again. If you think of any ideas, shoot them my way because I can't progress past a certain point without having to make marks to denote Lucina's alias needing to be added and it's driving me nuts.

Edited January 13, 2018 by SoulWeaver

[TheSilentChloey]

Ceada/Shiida?  Or something like that...I don't known much about Shadow Dragon unfortunately.

[SoulWeaver]

Ok, did Chapter 2. This one's gonna be long and fairly serious 'cuz I like to be thorough - promise I'm not trying to pick your entire thing apart at the seams, though it may look like that at times. I don't have time to put all of it right now, though, so I'll edit the rest in later.
I noticed one thing right at the start...

Spoiler

They actually glowed orange from the purplish blue that he was used to seeing all of the time.

Perhaps change 'from' to 'as opposed to' to make the line flow better.
Next is the description paragraph:

Spoiler

Luckily for the young man there was a river not far from where they were camping where he could have a wash without being spotted by Lucina (after all she didn't need to see him in any state of undress) so he carefully looked around himself to make sure that all was well before taking off his coat.  The reflection in the water showed a young rather tired looking boy rather than a man, his short wavy blond hair slightly sticking up at the back with a stubborn cow-lick that refused to sit flat even though it had been under a hood until he'd removed the coat. Caleb had not realised that one of his eyes was brown, while the other was blue and marvelled at the strangeness of it.  His nose somewhat small although the rest of his face was rather thin.  He was thin.  Not as lithe as Lucina; an unhealthy thin.  He resolved to get something for them to eat later as he took of his vambraces.  With those off he got to work on his leather cuirass, carefully laying it over his coat.  The light sleeveless shirt that he wore underneath it was the next thing to be removed.  He winced as he caught sight of the bruises that he had and judging by their colour they'd left the future less than a day ago

This is a pretty good way to run a character description, having him contemplate his need to obtain better food than he was used to. However, there are a couple things that stand out as kind of off, which I've bolded here. You could probably completely drop the first bolded instance - there's no real reason for anyone to expect Caleb to be a fully-grown man as nothing in Chapter 1 implies that at all. As for the second, apart from only being partially believable(while it seems ridiculous that someone wouldn't have noticed they had heterochromia, it was Grima's future - who knows how long it's been since the kid last saw a mirror), your comma placement is off - there should at least be an additional comma after blue and I'm not sure there should be one after brown, though you could probably safely go either way there. I would recommend changing the third instance to 'His nose was somewhat small, though it wasn't particularly noticeable as the rest of his face was rather thin.' but it could be I'm misunderstanding exactly why those two details are in the same sentence. The last instance should probably be split, either 'He winced as he caught sight of the bruises that he had - judging by their color, they'd left the future less than a day ago.' or 'He winced as he caught sight of the bruises he had. Judging by their color, they'd left the future less than a day ago.' I'm also not certain why the detail of the bruises' color is necessary - have they actually been in the present longer than just a day and the bruises were just particularly fierce? Are they healing slower than one would expect bruises to heal?

Your first major conversation with them is well-paced, and is a good way to show the relationship between the two - Caleb is the one person Lucina can let her wall of determination down around, the only person who gets to see her struggle with her emotions, and it does wonders for displaying the two more realistically(plus has readers shipping the two of them long before you officially do). However, Caleb calls her by name almost every sentence, but there's nobody else he could possibly be talking to. You're safe dropping at least two instances of 'Lucy' - I recommend 'Nothing, Lucy' 'Come on, Lucy, let's go save Lon'qu' and 'Let me know when you're ready to travel again, Lucy' - though it is kind of adorable he calls her that and further cements the ship. Punctuation could use some work, particularly in dialogue, but the only one I'd prioritize is changing 'I'm a tactician remember,' to either 'I'm the tactician, remember?' or 'Remember, I'm the tactician.' depending on whether you want him to be trying to be lighthearted and optimistic or serious and realistic in this moment.

The next two paragraphs don't have any major issues to note, just a couple punctuation things, but I'd recommend altering the bit in parenthesis, dropping 'at any rate' and making a break so it says '...good news - it meant…' instead.

Their next interaction starts a touch oddly - Caleb muses to himself earlier that he needs food fairly badly, but gives Lucina an extra portion because 'she needs it more'? I get that he's trying to be gallant, but the explanation that the 'lithe young woman' needs the food more than the 'unhealthily-thin kid' makes him seem a touch contradictory. I'm not, however, certain as to what to change about this, so…yeah.

Spoiler

Lucina sighed.  Of course Caleb was one to think of skills that could be used in combat.  He was a tactician after all.  She didn't know how he'd gotten that book but it seemed to interest him to no end.  Funnily enough Lucina was in the mood to see what he had to say, “Anything else?” Lucina asked, waiting to see what Caleb would say as more often then not she found that he was surprisingly wise beyond his years, having helped her get out of a lot of scrapes in the past as well as helping her find all of the Shepherd's children, locating the gemstones and the stellar escape from their time into the past.  Both had been through quite a lot all things considered, now that Lucina had time to stop and think a bit.  It was good to have Caleb by her side and he never seemed to disappoint her,

Apart from the fact that the whole thing ends with a comma, the only things I'd alter here are dropping the bolded 'as' for either a period or a…hyphen? I want to say hyphen, but that doesn't sound right for some reason. Hopefully you get what I'm talking about, though. Anyways, I'd change that and the other bolded part - you should drop either the stuff before or after the comma as either one alone will explain what you're trying to say without the other being needed.

Spoiler

“Well,” Caleb began, “There are quite a few skills that are passive, some that tend to “activate” under certain conditions and others that seem to require a degree of focus to use properly,”

Your use of Skills here is interesting, and personally I think it's awesome, particularly your explanation of Ignis blurring the line between mana and strength, but at the same time it's kind of a fourth-wall acknowledgement - if the point of a story is to seem different from the game, then mentioning an in-game mechanic can kind of ruin the effect. In this instance, I doubt anyone will care too much, as it's a couple Chapters before Skills are even really mentioned again, and then only in passing, so you should be alright, but it's something to think about.

I would probably change your mention of the lack of leads on Yarne and Nah to say 'Not even Yarne or Nah, and Taguel and Manaketes were rare beings people would easily notice and probably talk about' but that may just be me.

When you switch between bits focusing on Robin and Chrom and bits focusing on Caleb and Lucina, you should probably include a couple tildes(~~~) or a dingbat or something to show the break - in this Chapter you have a double-Enter during your one focus-shift from Caleb to Robin, but missed repeating it for the switch back so it looks like it's going to keep going on about Robin but now is suddenly talking about Caleb.

Spoiler

As luck would have it the pair of travellers had arrived in Regna Ferox with time to spare.  Caleb listened to the rumours that he could but they didn't mention anything about the gemstones.  He sighed as he looked to Lucina.  She was going to have to be the one that challenged Lon'qu - after all, the young man knew that of the two of them she was the one with the strength enough to fight...and was a woman, which apparently was Lon'qu's fatal weakness.  Of course that was just a rumour that Caleb had heard, but if it was right it would be easy enough to save Lon'qu.  At least that was what Caleb was planning at any rate.  If not then he would have to make sure that Lucina was ready for a fight.  It was his job after all to prepare her for what might come.  And as he looked over the guards shifting about near the wall Caleb knew that this job would be a bit more complex than he'd first expected.

Here I've underlined the changes I would make, though I may have misinterpreted the meaning you were going for with the last one. Probably the most important is the break right after the first mention of Lon'qu - without it the sentence seems to ramble.

Edited January 16, 2018 by SoulWeaver

[SoulWeaver]

Welp, I tried to edit that last post multiple times and it just kept telling me some crap about it being too old to edit or something like that, so I'll finish off the short remainder of Chapter 2's review here and then get started on my own writing…er, I mean on Chapter 3! Please leave me alone mods I swear I tried to just edit my last one for a week straight

Spoiler

Lucina was hacking away at the training dummy when she heard familiar footsteps.  She looked up mask still on her face.  She could see Caleb's coat as the wind blew it away from his thin frame.  She often wondered why he even bothered with swords; given that magic was clearly his speciality and he didn't seem to have the strength to wield them.  She only ever asked him about it once, and she could still clearly remember his response:
"Really Lucina," He'd grinned, "Why wouldn't I use a sword?  I may not be as strong as you or Kjelle, but a sword would still be just as useful to me as a tome is, perhaps even more so in some cases - not many people expect a mage to use a blade and that could give me an edge over the enemy,"
She hadn't known what he meant then and even now it still confused her.  However as she watched him once again try to make a dent into the training dummy she couldn't help but notice that they were being watched by none other than Basilio.  The Khan was looking at Caleb with a very thoughtful eye.  Lucina looked at the dummy before her and looked back at Caleb,
"Kris," She said, "Spar with me,"
Caleb looked at Lucina and nodded.  He readied himself knowing what was going to inevitably happen and the bruises that he was going to receive.

Underlined bits are changes I'd make. I really like this section, most of these are just trying to make the sentences flow a little better.

The fight sequence is decently-paced, and the Stats gameplay-mechanic reference is handled smoother than the Skill one, in part because the basic concept is more believable - I could see someone actually viewing other people like that in real life. The only thing I'd change here is that I'd combine 'He certainly wasn't anywhere near Lucina in terms of skill with a sword.  However he was far more adapt at magic.' into one sentence.

For the next section, I'm not sure why a war leader like Basilio wouldn't have heard of a Tactician actually fighting as chances are whoever Ferox's Tactician is would be similarly versed in actual battle, though perhaps with different weaponry of choice. Perhaps alter his musings to be about the interesting and unique choice of an Infantry Unit selecting a weapon combination of Tomes/Swords, seeing as how it would be more difficult to swap between them mid-battle without a mount to provide protection/movement?

Spoiler

Caleb heaved a sigh as he watched Lucina practice some more.  The pair spent most of the day training for the upcoming tournament and only just made it to mealtime.  They ate sparingly and went up to the quarters that were provided for them.  Caleb made sure that Lucina had the softer bed, she would need it to get the best rest.  He decided that for the time being he would focus on his studies.  What he wasn't prepared for was the soft knock long after Lucina had fallen asleep in the bed chamber behind him.  "You awake?" Came the curt deep voice of Lon'qu from the main entrance of the quarters,
"Are you after me or Marth?" Caleb asked, opening the door.
"You, of course." Lon'qu said looking at the hooded boy in Plegian robes with a frown on his face. The Chon'sin warrior wanted to know exactly why the boy had Basilio looking at him so thoughtfully.  The boy regarded him with suspicion.
"I hardly think there is reason enough to need me," He said at last, his frown the only visible part of his face thanks to his hood.
"Perhaps;" Lon'qu conceded, "However I want to spar with you," The myrmidon responded,
"I'm nowhere near as powerful as Marth," Caleb responded,
"Humph," Lon'qu grunted, "And yet Basilio thinks that you have a similar skill level,"
Caleb blinked but heaved a sigh, "Alright then," he said, closing the book he was reading. "However I do believe you'll have an easier time sparring with me,"

Did the underline thing here, again mostly just stuff that would make the story flow smoother, and struck through two bits. The first part is unnecessary as you're already having Lon'qu respond by saying he conceded something, meaning you don't have to state that he responded. The second one seems unnecessary as there's no real reason for Caleb to be making this statement, but it's less so than the first one and can be left alone if you wish.

Wow, that took way too long, in part because of the editing issue I ran into. That plus some other distractions and some random writing inspiration striking when least expected ended up with me not having gone through Chapter 3 yet. Rest assured, however, that I'll get that gone over(and Chapter 4 hopefully) by the end of the week.

The issue with using any already existing Archanean name for Lucina…nah, I'll try to remember to PM you to explain, I'm too weirdly secretive about that particular plot twist to be revealing it to the general public.

Edited January 23, 2018 by SoulWeaver
Forgot to mention a thing

[TheSilentChloey]

Thanks for the feedback, likely the re-worked version might actually be better as I have tried to implement some of the suggestions (those that I have seen to date and felt helped the story  mind you I can't do all of them but it'll take time for the updated chapters to be posted).

 

As far as the story is concerned it is a blend of Awakening (the game) and my own headcannon so fun is to be had with that.  Plus the what if x happens

 

Another thing to note is that Caleb uses "Lucy" rather than Lucina almost all the time.  It is a way of showing just how close they are as friends. It makes sense that close friends tend to use nicknames more so than actual names.  For example I don't call my best friend Kimberly (which is her actual name btw); I call her Kim due to how close we are as friends it's a bit how I see Caleb calling Lucina "Lucy".  It's how I'm showing just how close friends they really are rather than saying it (the old "show don't tell").  It should allow the reader to understand that the pair are close and hence the shipping of said pair which you noticed in the chapter .

 

ETA:

Spoiler

Also if it kind of is an issue Alana isn't very good on the speaking front (I'm guessing she's anywhere between five or six when Caleb and Lucina find her so she should be around the seven eight mark when they go to Valm).  So any less than stellar grammar is deliberate so you know.

 

Edited January 25, 2018 by TheSilentChloey

[SoulWeaver]

On January 23, 2018 at 9:09 PM, TheSilentChloey said:

Another thing to note is that Caleb uses "Lucy" rather than Lucina almost all the time.  It is a way of showing just how close they are as friends. It makes sense that close friends tend to use nicknames more so than actual names.  For example I don't call my best friend Kimberly (which is her actual name btw); I call her Kim due to how close we are as friends it's a bit how I see Caleb calling Lucina "Lucy".  It's how I'm showing just how close friends they really are rather than saying it (the old "show don't tell").  It should allow the reader to understand that the pair are close and hence the shipping of said pair which you noticed in the chapter .

ETA:

  Reveal hidden contents

Also if it kind of is an issue Alana isn't very good on the speaking front (I'm guessing she's anywhere between five or six when Caleb and Lucina find her so she should be around the seven eight mark when they go to Valm).  So any less than stellar grammar is deliberate so you know.

 

Estimated Time of Arrival?

Anyways, that comment wasn't on the fact that he calls her Lucy rather than Lucina - I think it's adorable, actually - it was on the fact that he calls her by name almost every single sentence during the conversation between their baths in Chapter II, but there's no reason for him to mention her name more than twice in such a normal conversation unless there's someone else there who might misinterpret his words as being directed at them. If there were other people around, or if it were a more emotionally-charged conversation setting in general(like if they'd tried to have a conversation during, say, the start of Chapter XII), I could see him referring to her by name every sentence, but in that specific instance it feels slightly jarring to have so many instances of her name/nickname being mentioned.

Also, sorry about not getting Chapter 3 worked through by now, I'm working on it today and I'll start the feedback comment for it once I get my suggestions figured out. By the way, I forgot to ask if you wanted to hear my eventual plan for Lucina in my own work. It's somewhat similar to what you're doing here, actually.

[SoulWeaver]

So it's refusing to allow me to edit my thing AGAIN, so here we are with my second double-post of the topic. Someone should probably look into that. Anyways, it turned out Chapter 3 was super quick to run through, with almost nothing criticizable bar the punctuation so I can just toss the feedback in here.

During the italicized bit, I'd add a question mark into the “Really girl did you think that you could hide from me, it is time for you to fulfil your purpose, now,” bit, since she's asking a question but you end it with a comma, making it read more like a statement than a question. If you meant it as a statement, though, then you're good there. Also the second half should end with a period.

Spoiler

“Sure,” He said aware of the eyes that were on them. Khan Basilio it seemed was looking at them. Caleb sighed inwardly and decided that he would see about getting Lucina and himself something to eat. At least he would have had Lucina not given him that look. “We should get something to eat,” Caleb said carefully and Lucina sighed but sheathed her sword. One disaster avoided Caleb headed back indoors to eat and happened to cross paths with none other than Lon'qu. Of course Caleb merely nodded in the man's direction and went to continue on his way when Lon'qu's hand stopped him, “Is there something you need of me?” the boy asked and Lon'qu spoke,

This one isn't so much feedback as my curiosity. I'm not sure what exactly the bolded sentence is really trying to say here. Mind filling me in?

When Robin runs into Caleb in the Arena, I'd use ellipses to have some of her thoughts trail together, specifically merging "marked as one of the Grimleal, and yet…there was something about his voice" to improve the flow. I also like that you explain why Robin is the only Plegian in like all Awakening who wears a full coat in the freaking desert - making it a mark of the UnHoly Bloodline is a good idea and I may steal that myself.

That's about it, my last bit here is that Caleb tells his mother he was 'bought' up in Plegia, which taken at face value is a little awkward if nothing else. 4 looks a little longer, so it'll be a bit before I get that one worked through.

[TheSilentChloey]

On 2/5/2018 at 8:51 AM, SoulWeaver said:

So it's refusing to allow me to edit my thing AGAIN, so here we are with my second double-post of the topic. Someone should probably look into that. Anyways, it turned out Chapter 3 was super quick to run through, with almost nothing criticizable bar the punctuation so I can just toss the feedback in here.

During the italicized bit, I'd add a question mark into the “Really girl did you think that you could hide from me, it is time for you to fulfil your purpose, now,” bit, since she's asking a question but you end it with a comma, making it read more like a statement than a question. If you meant it as a statement, though, then you're good there. Also the second half should end with a period.

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“Sure,” He said aware of the eyes that were on them. Khan Basilio it seemed was looking at them. Caleb sighed inwardly and decided that he would see about getting Lucina and himself something to eat. At least he would have had Lucina not given him that look. “We should get something to eat,” Caleb said carefully and Lucina sighed but sheathed her sword. One disaster avoided Caleb headed back indoors to eat and happened to cross paths with none other than Lon'qu. Of course Caleb merely nodded in the man's direction and went to continue on his way when Lon'qu's hand stopped him, “Is there something you need of me?” the boy asked and Lon'qu spoke,

This one isn't so much feedback as my curiosity. I'm not sure what exactly the bolded sentence is really trying to say here. Mind filling me in?

When Robin runs into Caleb in the Arena, I'd use ellipses to have some of her thoughts trail together, specifically merging "marked as one of the Grimleal, and yet…there was something about his voice" to improve the flow. I also like that you explain why Robin is the only Plegian in like all Awakening who wears a full coat in the freaking desert - making it a mark of the UnHoly Bloodline is a good idea and I may steal that myself.

That's about it, my last bit here is that Caleb tells his mother he was 'bought' up in Plegia, which taken at face value is a little awkward if nothing else. 4 looks a little longer, so it'll be a bit before I get that one worked through.

Ah yes  That bolded bit is going to come up in another chapter so I won't do too much on the spoiler side of things atm.

 

Also I got the idea from another fan-fiction I read a while back (that I can't actually recall the name of) where Robin's/Avatar's coat is used for that purpose.

 

Spoiler

That line actually says "I wasn't bought up in Plegia."  You miss read that part  which is funny because I thought that was pretty clear.  Of course I did an entire timeline for both this story and the prequel to this one.  Plus there might be a sequel but we'll see how well that goes .

 

[SoulWeaver]

11 hours ago, TheSilentChloey said:

 

  Reveal hidden contents

That line actually says "I wasn't bought up in Plegia."  You miss read that part  which is funny because I thought that was pretty clear.  Of course I did an entire timeline for both this story and the prequel to this one.  Plus there might be a sequel but we'll see how well that goes .

 

Ok, but I'm still not certain why you're using the word 'bought' instead of 'brought' in this sentence - it sounds like buying children for dark cults is a relatively common occurrence if he has to specify it wasn't in Plegia he was 'bought up'.

Anyways, looking forward to the next exciting installment! How long do you usually spend on each Chapter, if I may ask?

[TheSilentChloey]

4 hours ago, SoulWeaver said:

Ok, but I'm still not certain why you're using the word 'bought' instead of 'brought' in this sentence - it sounds like buying children for dark cults is a relatively common occurrence if he has to specify it wasn't in Plegia he was 'bought up'.

Anyways, looking forward to the next exciting installment! How long do you usually spend on each Chapter, if I may ask?

It depends on the chapter itself.  Chapter 13 I think is the longest I have spent just writing.  Other chapters are fairly quick to be done.  Thanks for that distinction I think that will most definitely need to be fixed I didn't realise that!

[TheSilentChloey]

I just finished Chapter 17 (?) and oh my goodness is it a really hard chapter...

[TheSilentChloey]

Chapter 18 has some pretty interesting references...let's see if you can find them all

[Nym]

Will Robin learn from her mistakes?

Found on in the next episode of Awakening!

[TheSilentChloey]

On 3/10/2018 at 1:57 PM, Nym said:

Will Robin learn from her mistakes?

Found on in the next episode of Awakening!

I think you mean:

Find out in the next Episode of Awakening

 And we won't know for certain until I get to the fall out of Robin's mistakes...

[SoulWeaver]

Good heavens, I managed to forget this was a thing until today. First off, I'm sorry for not continuing - I hit a snag in my own writing trying to figure out an alias for Lucina among other issues and let that kind of shut down all my writing-related things. If you're still game to hear it, I can start taking a look into Chapter 4 and on again, but it may progress slower than it originally did.
Second, wow - I was not expecting that twist, Nomura, not at all. Grima is secretly Possessed Alt. Inigo confirmed?!

[TheSilentChloey]

On 30/04/2018 at 2:50 PM, SoulWeaver said:

Good heavens, I managed to forget this was a thing until today. First off, I'm sorry for not continuing - I hit a snag in my own writing trying to figure out an alias for Lucina among other issues and let that kind of shut down all my writing-related things. If you're still game to hear it, I can start taking a look into Chapter 4 and on again, but it may progress slower than it originally did.
Second, wow - I was not expecting that twist, Nomura, not at all. Grima is secretly Possessed Alt. Inigo confirmed?!

Hey welcome back mate .  Firstly I was wondering if you were caught up with the new chapters and thankfully you are.  I guessed that you might have been a bit busy so whenever you have spare time your feedback as well as other's is appreciated!

 

As for Inigo...well he's just a jerk.  You'll see more of it in the next chapter of ST.  So sorry no Grima shenanigans going on there!  Could be a nice touch though!

 

The next chapter though is going to be a dozy of chapter.  Mostly because Caleb is a stubborn young man at times...