Depression

[Tryhard]

I'm not sure if this would be best somewhere else or if its even appropriate, but at this time I'm feeling particularly strangely open and introspective, which I'm not sure if is a good thing or not.

I'm currently living in my grandparents house in a single small room that has insects crawling about. I'm looking for a place to stay, but it isn't going so well.

A few weeks ago I started to feel these symptoms of depression such as fatigue even after sleeping, thumping headaches, and anhedonia (loss of pleasure in things you normally do find pleasurable) - feels like someone took a sledgehammer to my head at the start of the month, my senses feel muted. I do love playing video games, maybe too much as a form of escapism, but since this has happened I've barely been able to enjoy them. I've been eating like shit since I left my dads house (which he sold, so I came to my grandparents house) and I've put on a lot of weight because I stopped giving a shit, and I am finding it hard to attempt to fit exercise in a schedule because I feel so drained and unmotivated. 

I told my parents about this bout of depression, and I feel as though I've put a burden on them even if they say they are glad that I told them. I am lucky to have such supportive parents, and I feel guilty for all of this. My mother cried when I told her I had suicidal thoughts in the past. Apparently it was something that my father has also had in the past. My dad also suggested that while he hasn't looked into it much, it could very well be possible that I have Asperger's Syndrome. Considering my general difficulty with other people and showing emotions I wouldn't exactly be surprised, but I have not been diagnosed with anything. I have trouble connecting with others and because of that have lost pretty much all the friends that I used to have - and so I'm back to being by myself again, and this time it feels insurmountable to try and connect with other people in the same way for personal friends, never mind relationships. While I am very introverted, I feel lonely, but at the same time, easily irritated by people for little reason - I know I will probably shove them away for some strange reason even though I do want to find interests to do with others.

My job is something that I feel relatively comfortable doing, but I graduated with a Computer Science degree and am in this technical support job - I can't help feeling as if it wasn't exactly where I wanted to be going and noting myself incompetent about my programming ability. And while working 40 hours a week is good for a lot of people, either I'm lazy or just don't see it giving me enough time even if the money would be for more hours. Not even really sure if I want to leave and try to find another job or not.

I seem to appear much less confident in my opinions when I am depressed - and question my past self that could often be angry as I'm sure many of people on here would have seen. Any of my will to answer or criticise people as I have previously has evaporated. Right now, looking at politics is a sickness. As is common with depression, I have also questioned the meaning of life and such - something that my small brain has no concept of answering but is trying to work machinations to solve anyway. I think it's due to me feeling as though I lack a purpose in life. It is telling that no matter the religious affiliation, depression is a very common mental illness.

I am committed to seeing a psychologist about this and trying to become more active and social, because I have had this in the past... but I was too scared to really ask any further about it, but this time has just felt unbearable - I have a tendency to bottle things up. Above all, I have a hard time seeing how things will get better even if I know they probably will. Perhaps it is a time for personal growth on my part.

I realised that this has really been about me on my soapbox about my slump and putting my problems on others (which it kind of is, regrettably), but this topic was for discussion of depression in general. Remember that depression is more than just feeling sad. Either suffering from it currently or stories of how it was overcame. Mental health is too frequently stigmatised in our society, and I would like to know if there was anything that helped others on here with it.

Edited August 22, 2017 by Tryhard

[Johann]

First off, it's good to admit to yourself and others that you're suffering. A lot of people tend to hide or dismiss those feelings, which can compound them over time, or lead them to take on unhealthy habits (or magnify those they already have). It's also very wise to seek professional support, as those are people who can provide much better help than any of us can, due to their training, experience, and the fact that they'll be there in person to dedicate their time to you. Take comfort knowing that your family is willing to listen and be there for you, even if it might feel uncomfortable to open up to them.

Since I really don't know anything about you, I can't say for certain what can help. I personally rely on music, reading, mental stimulation, and spending time with friends/puppies to cheer me up when I'm down, if that helps at all. It can be incredibly hard to make and keep new friends post-graduation, especially if where you live offers little in the way of community activities, and moreso if you don't find your work particularly satisfying. I'm extremely fortunate in that I have a local theater I can perform at, which has been an excellent way to make new friends of all ages and backgrounds, and gives me a fulfilling sense of community that I think most people might feel is missing from their lives. The process of getting to know people while putting together a performance is a shared challenge that is not unlike what you might have experienced in school at some point; the sense of camaraderie built from working together to create something you believe in is extremely gratifying.

You're right about mental health frequently being stigmatized, is one of the main reasons people feel the need to bottle up. That, and how in many cultures, showing emotional vulnerability is often seen as a weakness (particularly in men), where in reality it requires strength and should be respected as seriously as physical trauma.

[Res]

It's awesome that you're able to talk about it and good luck finding help! I'm glad your parents sound supportive. From personal experience it seems that mental health issues are more stigmatized in the UK than in the U.S.; here in the U.S. it is relatively easier (although I'm sure it depends on where you live) to find mental health support.

I'm currently definitely not in a good headspace but I have 'white coat syndrome' (my blood pressure has risen as high as 180/120 at the doctor's office, but I don't suffer from hypertension) and I also have untreated Hashimoto's disease (my endocrinologist retired and I've been putting off finding a new one for a year, now) so it's difficult to say how much is stemming from that. A lot of symptoms overlap (a 1987 study found that as many as 15% of patients admitted to a psychiatric hospital for depression actually were suffering from some level of hypothyroidism.) So I can definitely sympathize with what you're describing.

 

[Anacybele]

Yeah, what Johann and Res said is totally right. You've made the first step by admitting you're depressed and seeking help.

I was in the same boat as you when my brother died. I had bouts of depression and wanted help. I told my mom I wanted to see a counselor or something and she helped me get that done. And I'm all fine now. So you're definitely going in the right direction here and that's good!

It's so true, depression is more than just being sad. It's just feeling like complete shit, not really knowing why entirely, and not being able to just cheer yourself up by doing something fun. Sometimes feeling sick, tired, etc.

[Rezzy]

It can really help to talk to someone.  There's a quote from Robin Williams that I think rings true:

“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.”

Everyone is different, so I'll only say what has helped for me.  Sometimes, when I'm feeling down, I'll try to do something nice for others.  Sometimes by cheering someone else up, it can sort of vicariously make you feel better, if that makes any sense.

I've suffered with depression and obsessive compulsive disorder most of my life.  The worst of it actually happened a few years ago, during my residency.  I felt absolute worthlessness at times, and contemplated suicide.  I've had several friends and relatives of mine take their own lives or try to, and thinking about my son is really what kept me from doing anything stupid.

 

There's a video Cracked put out a couple weeks ago, that is pretty accurate about physician depression, at the end.

One thing I forget if it touches upon, is that physicians have a hard time getting treatment, because we'd have to go to colleagues of ours to get help, and regardless of HIPAA, word will get out that you need psychological help, which could doom your practice.  Sorry, I hope that doesn't make you feel worse, just trying to share my own experience.

 

I think it's a good idea to seek professional help, but if you ever just want to talk about anything, feel free to send me a message.

[Captain Karnage]

personally I've never been diagnosed with asburgers or depression, though throught my childhood and teenage years I've always had issues being socil, and even to this day I'm a very cring worthy person. As I've gotten older I really think I've been suffering from some kind of depression due to mild social isolation, I'm a very lonely person, not really due to how I live, I've just always had trouble making and maintaing friends. Which is why I'm so thankful I was let into Phi Mu Alpha

for me I still feel this lonelyness, I can't bring myself to tell my parents because my mother is really overbearing at times and a psychologist, and I don't want her to worry or to try to put me on some medication.

as much as I try I can't get over it, I do crossfit because it gives me a little comunity to workout and compete with, and it still only helps me for a few hours a day. I've spent hundreds on Magic the Gathering and Force of Will cards so I have something to do most evenings, I'm spending this money so I have some filler in my dull life.

and don't drink, I know when I my depressed state gets really bad I can drink a bit to much and make myself into an ass. I'm not a mean drunk, my friends have told me that I'm a fun person to be around when I've had a couple of drinks I just embarrass myself.

[Interdimensional Observer]

You're certainly not the only one on SF who can get a little glum as you can tell.

For myself, it's a combination of fearing the inevitability of death, the recognition I've wasted my youth (and life as a whole), and also realizing I lack the will to improve, even though I clearly recognize things. Plus the depressing nature of politics as well. I used my school's free counseling services a little last semester, and while I told the counselor I would make some appointments with them over the summer. I never did, nor did I ever keep a record of my melancholic moments, nor did I search out groups of like individuals to overcome my loneliness (which I can bear being Asperger's and thus generally introspective). I did nothing to advance myself in life in other ways as well- in short nothing happened this summer other than me aging and wasting my life away- I didn't even as much as scratch my gaming backlog! I feel guilt at this whole thing, it almost makes me not want to return to the counselor having terribly shirked their expectations, and yet I lament this guilt may yet not be enough to force me to action.

And on emotions, that is something I profess to not being easily able to describe as well. I'm an intellectual who loves to think, but when the counselor tried to ask me how I felt, I had the greatest of difficulties. Am I thin on emotion? Yet, the melancholy takes hold even with weak emotions. I'm also without a religious affiliation, a professed Agnostic who is willing to flirt with religion at a distance (I like a spicy rabbi who argues with God for instance), but cannot bring themselves to go any further.

I too need to find a way out of things, and I have a lot of free time to do so. But, can I muster that oh so precious will I have lacked for years?

[Harvey]

Boy, if anyone here is to be depressed, Its me of all.

Been wanting to go to therapy for years and yet my cursed mom won't let me and she thinks I don't need it for some dumb reason.

I am the one who's almost depressed every single day. I have regrets of doing what I want to do and there's no turning back of it. I hate families in general because they are in the way of my progress.

I can't even get the Switch until I get my DAD's seal of approval. Even after getting a job, I'm still stuck with my parents...yeah go figure.

I'm stuck living in a country where Nintendo isn't known a lot so I'm forced to rely on my dad or bro to get me Nintendo games from abroad rather than getting them from Play-Asia instead.

To be honest, I actually wanted a friend around Serenes to talk about personal life here and there but it just occurred to me that I can't involve someone into my life like that because otherwise, I'd be in therapy by now.

 

[Master Thunderblade]

I admire your courage for recognizing and speaking up about your insecurities...
I was diagnosed with ASD at a fairly young age, but was in denial for about 7 years or so...
Being depressed really sucks, and it is easily trivialized by others who mean well, which is why I was somewhat reluctant to write this answer.
I often feel that I have wasted by youth, but then I remind myself that each hurdle I have faced in the past has made me a little bit stronger.
The fact that I have these thoughts proves that I'm willing to improve myself, and if I was truly a failure I wouldn't feel this guilt in the first place.

More often than not it is a matter of perspective, and recognising that there is a problem is already a big leap in the right direction...

Edited August 23, 2017 by Master Thunderblade

[Tryhard]

14 hours ago, Res said:

It's awesome that you're able to talk about it and good luck finding help! I'm glad your parents sound supportive. From personal experience it seems that mental health issues are more stigmatized in the UK than in the U.S.; here in the U.S. it is relatively easier (although I'm sure it depends on where you live) to find mental health support.

I'm not sure how true that is - because I've heard that the failing mental health institutions were scrapped and replaced with nothing, more or less. If anything I have heard that Americans are far more likely to go to counselors or therapists though.

10 hours ago, Interdimensional Observer said:

And on emotions, that is something I profess to not being easily able to describe as well. I'm an intellectual who loves to think, but when the counselor tried to ask me how I felt, I had the greatest of difficulties. Am I thin on emotion? Yet, the melancholy takes hold even with weak emotions. I'm also without a religious affiliation, a professed Agnostic who is willing to flirt with religion at a distance (I like a spicy rabbi who argues with God for instance), but cannot bring themselves to go any further.

I too need to find a way out of things, and I have a lot of free time to do so. But, can I muster that oh so precious will I have lacked for years?

Though I don't want the topic to be about religion, but when I was depressed when I was younger, I was a Christian at the time and that was a great source of strength and comfort for myself. Now, being an agnostic that wishes that they could have religious faith because I do want to believe in a greater purpose.

Nevertheless, it's an extremely bad idea to suggest religion to a depressed person, as it comes across as a sales pitch.

 

I have had difficulties trying to find other hobbies, mainly because for anything skillful I'm not very good at anything requiring it, and for anything that I would like to do, like maybe games at my local card shop or D&D games, I'm too resistant to the initial step of meeting with a bunch of strangers. I've got some good friends that I've had online, but I don't feel as though they are a substitution for physical contact.

[Bluedoom]

`That's sad to hear man. I would say that you're lucky that you have parents who are very supportive and understanding even during these hard times, but I know that it won't make you feel any better. Hopefully the psychologist that you end up seeing will help you out on this. Its unfortunate that society stigmatizes depression in general but I think people just don't want to hear a lot of bad things often. Everyone wants to have  rose-tinted glasses, after all.

I think on some level, even if its, painful, you might have to force yourself to go out there and meet people for the sake of meeting them. Yes, I'm not very good at doing this either, but often breaking the ice is rewarding. Face-to-face interaction feels better than online interaction, IMHO.

Also yeah, I guess its soul-crushing to be agnostic and understand that there seems to be no greater purpose, but on the bright side, you don't really have anything dictating any of your actions. I'd suggest searching for pleasurable things to do, even if you need to go through the drudgery of searching and doing seemingly simple stuff at first. Like, a lot of things that we find pleasurable suddenly don't really do anything for us and we just keep doing it mechanically until we get a 'creative spark' and see more interesting things in what we do.That's kinda how a lot of jobs are, yeah? I think its ok not to have a 'greater purpose'. Not everything in life has to have a reason!

[Res]

2 hours ago, Tryhard said:

I'm not sure how true that is - because I've heard that the failing mental health institutions were scrapped and replaced with nothing, more or less. If anything I have heard that Americans are far more likely to go to counselors or therapists though.

I have had difficulties trying to find other hobbies, mainly because for anything skillful I'm not very good at anything requiring it, and for anything that I would like to do, like maybe games at my local card shop or D&D games, I'm too resistant to the initial step of meeting with a bunch of strangers. I've got some good friends that I've had online, but I don't feel as though they are a substitution for physical contact.

Yes; I think they are.

And I have some wonderful internet friends, but nothing is a substitute for physical contact, it's true (and I'm about as introverted as they come...) It's haaaard making friends as an adult.

14 hours ago, Rezzy said:

One thing I forget if it touches upon, is that physicians have a hard time getting treatment, because we'd have to go to colleagues of ours to get help, and regardless of HIPAA, word will get out that you need psychological help, which could doom your practice.

Yikes, that's something I'd never considered. That's really rough, I'm sorry.

[Rapier]

12 hours ago, Harvey said:

Been wanting to go to therapy for years and yet my cursed mom won't let me and she thinks I don't need it for some dumb reason.

If you are of legal age and lack money, you can go to Universities and see if they have psychologists available. Some psychology students go through an obligatory part-time period on the last semester where they work as supervisioned psychologists (for free, because it is supposed to be a public service and a learning experience).

 

Anyway, my case is kind of "funny" because I don't think I have depression, but I had a psychologist who told me I showed many symptoms of it and indicated me to try a psychiatric for medication (who said my case looked more like anxiety than depression). I think my case is more about my reclusiveness, lack of perspective for the future and laziness (combined with my slow thinking and disoriented mind).

I intentionally isolate myself because I don't find most things that other people like fun (mostly extrovert stuff, like parties, drinking etc.), and the things that I find fun (mostly introvert stuff, like books or games) aren't fun for most other people (or I have a harder time finding them because they're introverts), thus there is an interest clash (and I am not going to force myself to do things they find fun just to fit in, I absolutely detest this idea). I also forgot how to approach others to talk and be more sociable, so I think I look very awkward sometimes (I just act naturally, and sometimes it works). It doesn't help that I've decided to stick to a blunt mentality of "I am what I am, and if this is not acceptable, then screw the rest - I'll just take care of my life and enjoy the things I like" (I'm a Straw Antissocial, I guess).

The second one is probably why others thought I have depression. I'm very bad at describling how I feel, and it is not always that I am feeling that bad, so the best comparison I could think of was that I usually feel like Asuka from Neon Genesis Evangelion (near the end of the anime). I don't really like what I do (which is an improvement to my past situation, where I hated studying Law), I don't see myself liking what I am going to do in the future, I can't think of anything that might improve my situation as every option that I see seems uninteresting or has drawbacks (for example, I thought about studying psychology, but I'd hate to work with psychology, thus making it unviable), I see further specializations in whatever work I am going to do in the area that I study as dull chores since I don't like it at all, and overall I am stuck in that cycle of "I don't like my situation -> think about improvement opportunities -> dislike those opportunities -> I don't like my situation".

tl;dr everything seems boring and uninteresting (save for hobbies, such as video games or movies, and playing a keyboard, but even they don't seem as fun as they did), life stuff seem like weights/chores that make me feel like laying down and being metaphorically covered by snow/ash until the end of the world comes because I am very tired of them, and I see no perspective for improvement.

The third comes from my despondency, which is linked to the second one and the paragraph above. Worst of all, it is also turning me negligent toward things that I care, like improving my skills with the keyboard, learning musical theory, playing around with Unity or accessing my backlog of games (I only tend to play games that I have been playing already - changing to a new game, even if I have played it before, feels like jumping into a cold pool).

I hope it wasn't as cringy and edgy as it seems, but I had to be sincere.

Edited August 23, 2017 by Rapier

[Skynstein]

The reason depression is stigmatized is because people think it's all our fault when we can't do things.

Newsflash: it's not our fault. Imagine tying 100 lb weights to each of your limbs as well as remaining in a perennial state of melancholy, indifference and sometimes even desperation. Your mind is working against you, all the time. Food loses its taste. Former pastimes stop being fun. Sexual arousal is non-existent. You question yourself why you're even leaving the bed in the first place. No one will "succeed" at life in such a scenario. That's why psychological help is invaluable.

Once you start treatment, you'll realize you do need to put in some effort, but the treatment is like applying a defibrillator to a dying heart, it gives you the conditions and the tools without which you'll not be able to heal yourself.

Edited August 24, 2017 by Skynstein

[SullyMcGully]

I've never suffered a major case of depression, but I have a dear friend who has. While I didn't know much about the causes or cures, I eventually figured out one thing that I could do that could help: talk. Listening to a depressed person can be an awkward and confusing experience, but ultimately it can be an incredible way to help them let out whatever emotions are pent up inside. I know that worked for my friend, at least. 

I used to assume that I could understand how a depressed person felt, but now I know how untrue that is. From what I hear, even people who have dealt with depression in the past are unable to completely understand another person's depression. Nobody should make assumptions based off of how they would feel in such a situation, everybody reacts in a unique way.

So if you suffer from depression, don't be afraid to open up to a friend. And if you know someone who struggles with it, try to be there for them to have someone to open up to. These forums are one, albeit second-hand, way to do that. 

[CriticalMiss]

First, I would like to say that I greatly admire your courage in talking about this. As for advice, I would recommend forcing yourself to smile and telling yourself things like, "Today is going to be a great day." It might seem a little silly, but doing those things has had proven psychological benefits. The brain associates smiling with happiness, so you'll actually start to feel better. Doing those things, in combination with visiting a psychologist, might be able to help you.

[eclipse]

Normally, I'd close this topic since SF is not a place to seek help with such things (professionals will do a better job than random people on the Internet, it's mentioned in the SD sticky).  However, the discussion in here is interesting, so I'll leave it open.  To everyone that's responded so far, kudos.

I count myself lucky because I know what triggers my depression.  However, I feel that depression is best left to trained professionals.  Furthermore, don't be afraid to shop around for a therapist - they're people, too, and like all people, not everyone "clicks".  So, if you're reading this, feel seriously depressed, and aren't seeing a therapist, I strongly urge you to find one!

[Lushen]

I do not wish to comment on my personal feelings and experiences with depression, as my way of overcoming it is very specific to me and does not apply to most people.

I will also somewhat agree with the Robin Williams quote.  I've always spotted depression in people by looking at how happy they are.  If they are really happy on the outside, but have no logical reason to be (quite job, lonely, not happily married, no time around kids, etc.), they're probably faking happiness b/c they don't think showing their depression will help them.  These people, in my experience, have always been in the deepest level of depression.  Think Charles Bennington.

However, I can tell you that if you're thinking about therapist help, get it.  I have never done it myself, but I've heard people consistently tell me that it helps them.  It may be expensive, but most people can afford it if they're serious about it.

Edited September 10, 2017 by Lushen

[eclipse]

2 hours ago, Lushen said:

I will also somewhat agree with the Robin Williams quote.  I've always spotted depression in people by looking at how happy they are.  If they are really happy on the outside, but have no logical reason to be (quite job, lonely, not happily married, no time around kids, etc.), they're probably faking happiness b/c they don't think showing their depression will help them.  These people, in my experience, have always been in the deepest level of depression.  Think Charles Bennington.

By your criteria, I'm faking happiness.  Except I'm not, because my happiness comes from completely different sources than what you named.  In other words, don't judge people like this.

[Lushen]

1 minute ago, eclipse said:

By your criteria, I'm faking happiness.  Except I'm not, because my happiness comes from completely different sources than what you named.  In other words, don't judge people like this.

You misunderstand what I was saying.  I was not implying that you should assume everyone who is happy but doesn't live up to your standards is secretly depressed.  I was implying that just because someone is happy on the outside doesn't mean they are on the inside as well.  Hence Chester Bennington reference.  Either way, this thread isn't about noticing depression so perhaps I should not have mentioned it in the first place.

[Skynstein]

Damn, yesterday I took my meds a few hours after I was supposed to, and I had a depressive crisis... Horrible stuff. It kills your drive to do absolutely anything and makes you perennially sad.

I'm not sure whether the effect was stronger because of abstinence or chemical imbalance in my brain, but I'm scared at the thought of needing these meds for the rest of my life.

My mind basically works like the car in Top Gear 3000, when it runs out of energy it'll keep going, but slower and not able to accelerate, and a crash will slow it down to a crawl.

Edited September 11, 2017 by Skynstein

[eclipse]

1 hour ago, Skynstein said:

Damn, yesterday I took my meds a few hours after I was supposed to, and I had a depressive crisis... Horrible stuff. It kills your drive to do absolutely anything and makes you perennially sad.

I'm not sure whether the effect was stronger because of abstinence or chemical imbalance in my brain, but I'm scared at the thought of needing these meds for the rest of my life.

My mind basically works like the car in Top Gear 3000, when it runs out of energy it'll keep going, but slower and not able to accelerate, and a crash will slow it down to a crawl.

Whether you'll need those meds for any given time will be at the discretion of whoever you're seeing.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Skynstein]

2 hours ago, eclipse said:

Whether you'll need those meds for any given time will be at the discretion of whoever you're seeing.

I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks. Indeed, he has said before I'd probably need it for the rest of my life. That's not a problem as long as I can afford it and as long as I don't miss the right time.

[Tryhard]

7 hours ago, Skynstein said:

Damn, yesterday I took my meds a few hours after I was supposed to, and I had a depressive crisis... Horrible stuff. It kills your drive to do absolutely anything and makes you perennially sad.

I'm not sure whether the effect was stronger because of abstinence or chemical imbalance in my brain, but I'm scared at the thought of needing these meds for the rest of my life.

My mind basically works like the car in Top Gear 3000, when it runs out of energy it'll keep going, but slower and not able to accelerate, and a crash will slow it down to a crawl.

This lasted for about a month but made me feel physically ill in several ways. I do feel 'better' now but I don't really like the fact that it becomes especially bad whenever it wants.

Do you feel as though you don't like the change that medication gives you? I don't like taking drugs in general, never mind potentially mind-altering ones, so I'm not sure how willing I would be to take them if they were offered to me, though it seems here that they cautious in giving out anti-depressants. I went to see a psychologist, but I can't tell how much it helped and didn't ask for regular sessions. It seems I'm more conditioned to think about my money rather than my mental health.

I wouldn't normally have made a topic like this and somewhat regret it because I probably said too much but hopefully it resonated with someone.

Edited September 11, 2017 by Tryhard

[Junkhead]

The feelings of depression come in a sort of snowball effect. Eating like shit and not taking care of yourself in most other areas in general just add up to themselves. I'm not stranger to depression, but I do find that at least trying to clean myself up and keeping my sorroundings at least somewhat needs really helps the mind. It's a start, even if it's not *the* problem. Same goes with poor eating habits and extreme sedentarism. You really don't want to go down that route. Since you're young now, change these small habits that will make a world's difference in the future.

As for anything else in relation to overcoming sedentarism, "fitness" and the like, I could help you form something when you're ready to talk about it.