OPERATION: Make the Nomad Laugh

[kadajvonkarma]

Okay, this was a cracked up humor fic I wrote back in June '07 for Behind-the-Emblem (dA FE slash club), because they are nice people and needed a Rath/Wil fic. This fic not meant to be serious: In fact, it is one of the dumbest pieces of shit I have ever written. But, I still wub it.

This fic is rated T, for swearing, sexual situations, accusations of pedophilia, Lucius's underwear, dead baby jokes, shounen-ai, shoving Erk in a dress, drunkeness, stupidity, and sea cucumbers. Pairings you may encounter include Lowen/Rebecca, Rath/Wil, Legault/Heath, with mentions of Pent/Louise, Jaffar/Nino, and Hector/Lyn/Florina. Side effects include choking, gagging, bad breath, nausea, vomitting, sexual side effects because all the cool drugs cause that, and gas with smelly, oily discharge.

Disclaimer: I do not own FE. If I did, Ephidel would've been fluffin' some hawt yaoi with Lloyd.

How did I end up in this group again? Wil wondered as he listened to the conversation going on around him. By day, most of the members of the company fought together, but by dinnertime, they all split off into different groups, and Wil had ended up in one of the most different groups he had ever seen.

There were about eight people, Wil included, seated around a small fire. Rebecca sat across from Wil, half propped against her boyfriend Lowen, who had also made the delicious soup they were all enjoying. Next to Rebecca was Serra, who was babbling incoherently about some sort of plan to break up Pent and Louise via Erk, because obviously Erk and Louise are made for each other and who are you to tell me otherwise Rebecca? I wonder if she was dropped when she was born, Wil thought.

Dart was sitting next to Wil, muttering half-drunkenly about sea monsters and ending every other sentence with a loud belch and the line "and that's how I got that scar on mah assh." Wil had to admit, while he missed the old Dan he grew up with, Dart never ceased to amuse him.

Heath looked like he didn't want to be here, but was only here and being apart of this strange group because he was forced to. He probably was, judging from the company he was keeping.

The last two of the group were people that always made Wil uneasy. Matthew, the thief and spy, whose sharp eyes were always darting around the camp, looking for new information to add to his library-like memory.

And then there was Legault. He rarely added anything to the conversation, and when he did, it was either sarcastic or something really perverted that made Wil want to scrub his brain with a poison-tipped arrow. At least for tonight, he was silent, curled up in Heath's lap with his usual Cheshire-cat grin. He seemed to be quite amused at the current conversation, which had now degraded into Serra calling Rebecca a bitch and Rebecca threatening to beat the bajeezus out of the cleric with her bare hands.

"Oh, come and get me, you little scullery wench with a bow! I can take you on any day!" Serra stood, raising her fists in what was supposed to be a threatening gesture, but looked rather pathetic, like a lapdog barking at a mastiff.

"Ah, shut up, Serra," Matthew said, boredly poking at his soup. "'Becca would tear you a new one, especially since she's been taking hand-to-hand combat lessons from Lowen."

"How did you know?" Rebecca said. The sandy-haired thief laughed at her surprised tone. "Please, it wasn't too hard to find out," He said. "Thieves know everything about everyone."

"Yeah, right," Dart said with a snort.

"He's right, pirate-boy," Legault chimed in. "We know everything about all of you. There is nothing you can hide from our eyes."

"Really?" Serra said. "Then...what is my favorite color?"

"Purple," Legault said. "To be more specific, the color of Erk's hair. You think it's one of the loveliest colors you have ever seen in all your born days."

"Yeah, well...well...that didn't count!" The cleric waved her hands dismissively. "I have a better question: What does kind of undergarments does Lucius wear?"

There were a few chuckles; everyone knew that the pure, pious monk always wore his robes, even to bed. There was no way the thieves could've found out what he wore beneath them. At least, that's what everyone else thought, until Matthew said, "Nothing."

"WHAT?"

"Just like I said, he doesn't wear a scrap of fabric under those holy garments." Matthew grinned at Legault, who gave him a wink in return.

"You pervert!" Rebecca snapped.

"Aww, I didn't peek," Matthew said, pretending to be hurt. "There was just that nasty bout of wind the other day, and all of a sudden, fwoop! Right for everyone to see!"

"I got one," Dart piped up. "What kind of jokes does Karel like?"

"Dead baby jokes," Legault said.

Lowen said, "He can't be that cold-hearted, can he?"

"Let's find out," Legault said. "Hey, Karel, my good man!" Everyone turned in the direction the lavender-haired thief was looking, and a few of them (namely Lowen and Serra) cringed; they hadn't noticed that the blood-thirsty swordsman had been walking past them. He was giving all of them an icy glare, as if he was debating which one of them were going to die for this interruption.

"What do you want, Hurricane?" Karel said menacingly. Wil shuddered; he had a bad feeling that this was not going to end well.

"Karel, what's funnier than throwing a baby off a cliff?" Legault said brightly. The swordsman's lips curled into a cruel smirk as he seemed to contemplate the answer. "I would not know." He said after a moment.

"Why, catching it with a pitchfork, of course!"

There was silence. Karel was shaking slightly. This is the end... Wil thought, bracing himself for the carnage that was sure to follow. Mom, Dad, I'm sorry...

"UWAAAHAHAHAHAHYAA! UWA! UWAHAHAHAHYA!"

...He's laughing? Wil opened one of his eyes, and saw that, yes, indeed, Karel's head was thrown back, and he was howling with...he couldn't call it laughter; it sounded far too evil to be laughter. Wil looked around; everyone seemed to be alive, though Lowen had passed out and a worried Rebecca was currently trying to revive him.

"Ah, Hurricane, you never cease to amuse me," Karel said after his howling had finally stopped. "Keep it up, and you may be worthy of my blade someday!"

"You know I live for that moment, when you're carving out my heart as I scream in terror," Legault said, giving the swordsman a cheery smile. "Have a good night's rest!"

"Indeed. UWAHYAHAHA!" Karel walked off, the last of his "laughter" echoing across the camp.

"That man has problems," Rebecca stated, once she was certain the swordsman was out of earshot.

"Why, I find him to be an utterly delightful gentleman!" Legault said, getting a snicker from Matthew and an eye-roll from Heath. The latter said, "You like too many weird things, you know that?"

"If I didn't, I wouldn't find you attractive." The lavender-haired thief gave Heath a wink, making the wyvern rider turn a shade of purple.

"Hey, I got one," Rebecca said, coughing pointedly (Legault had started to pull Heath into a liplock). "What does Canas do in his spare time?"

"Fondle young mages," Legault said without missing a beat. All the ladies gasped with astonishment while the men (including Wil and Lowen) laughed.

"Erk or Nino?!" Serra screeched.

"Both." Legault's smirk widened into a yellow-toothed grin. "At the same time."

"Legault, you're a lying bastard, and you know it!" Matthew choked out between yip-like laughs. The other thief sighed, twirling a strand of hair around his finger. "Alas, I'm afraid I am," He said sadly. "But oh, how I wish I wasn't, so Jaffar would have an excuse to slit Mister "I-use-ELDER-magic-you-untutored-peasant-now-leave-before-I-test-my-latest-shiny-doom-and-gloom-on-you's" throat. Arrogant little snot. I wonder if I could pay Vaida and have her feed his precious Luna to her lizard?"

"Uhhh, I think I have a good one," Wil said, timidly raising his hand. Both Matthew and Legault looked at him, making the archer somewhat uncomfortable. "Uhhh...what makes Rath laugh?"

This one got an unususal reaction from both of the thieves: They said nothing. Matthew opened his mouth, but after a couple of seconds, closed it again and looked at Legault. The other thief was merely staring at Wil, the look on his face saying, "Oh, wouldn't you like to know!" The archer sighed. "Well?"

"You know, how about we play a little game?" Legault said, giving Wil one last smirk before reaching inside of his cloak. "After all, Matthew and I can't always be giving out answers, now can we?"

"Ummm, what kind of a game would it be?" Lowen asked. "Like checkers?"

"Yeah, exactly like it," Matthew answered. "Except you can actually DIE!"

Lowen promptly fainted again.

"Now that that's out of the way," Legault continued, ignoring Rebecca's rather unlady-like curses. "The rules of this game are simple; all of you get one try to find out what makes Rath laugh. It can be anything, and I mean anything at all. The first to get a chuckle out of the stoic Sacaen gets this," The thief drew his hand out of his cloak; sitting in the palm of his hand was a rather large gem, almost colorless, glittering in the firelight. It was a diamond; the ever so coveted "white gem." Even Matthew looked surprised; this was obviously something Legault had failed to mention to him.

"Yes, all my greedy little urchins," Legault said after a moment, obviously enjoying the attention. "One valuable, genuine, sparkly diamond to whoever makes Rath laugh. And it has to be a laugh, not merely a smile. The game starts at the crack of dawn. Good luck."

And so, Operation: Make the Nomad Laugh had begun.

~~~Serra's Attempt~~~

Everyone knew Serra would be the first one to try for the gem, and, right on cue, her attempt was heard all around the camp.

Rath always awoke earlier than everyone else, probably so he could have some peace and quiet before the more obnoxious ones of the group awoke. Wil could only imagine the nomad's surprise this morning, as most of the camp awoke to a scream of terror.

"GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAK!!!"

Erk shot out out of his tent and ran past Rath, running as fast as he could from the pink-haired cleric that pursued him. "SLOW DOWN, ERKY!" She yelled at the mage. "I HAVE TO PUT SOME FINISHING TOUCHES ON YOUR MAKEUP!"

Indeed, somehow, without Erk's knowledge, Serra had managed to dress the mage in a lurid pink, lace-trimmed dress, and tied pink ribbons in his hair. She was currently chasing after him with a makeup case in one hand and a brush in the other, dodging fireballs that the mage was throwing at her.

"Erky, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaait!" She whined as the mage put on another burst of speed. "You look so pretty!"

"I HAAAAAAAAAAAATE YOU!"

A large lightning bolt came down where Serra stood; well, it would have, if Rath hadn't grabbed the cleric and pulled her out of the blast.

"Stop it." Rath said. He left Serra standing there. The cleric looked like she was about to cry; he hadn't even smiled. Worst of all, a half-dressed Hector was marching over to her, and everyone knew that you never, ever disturbed Hector before noon.

~~~Lowen's Attempt~~~

Amazingly, Rath was not bothered again until after breakfast. After all the dishes were washed and packed away, Lowen, egged on by Rebecca, tried his luck at appealing to the nomad's sense of humor.

"Um, excuse me, Rath?" Lowen said, blushing furiously under his mop of hair. Rath turned to the cavalier. Lowen's blush turned a shade of purple. "Uhhh....uhhh...uhhh...kn-kn-knock knock!"

Rath raised an eyebrow. "Knock knock?"

"No no, you're supposed to say, 'who is there?', Rath," Lowen corrected.

"Why?"

"B-b-because that's just what you're supposed to do!"

Rath's eyes narrowed. "Why?"

"Please, just do it, and I won't ever bother you again..." Lowen whimpered.

"Who is there?" Rath said, obviously pleased with not being bothered again. Lowen, however, had completely forgotten what joke Rebecca told him to tell. He stuttered for a moment, then said the first thing that came to mind: "A dead baby being thrown off a cliff!"

Rath raised both of his eyebrows this time. "What?"

"Yeah, I'm a dead baby!" Lowen said, his voice unnaturally high. "You're supposed to catch me with a pitchfork and...uhh...eat me or something...yeah...I'll go now..."

Lowen scurried off, leaving a confused Rath to ponder what that was all about.

~~~Dart's Attempt~~~

It was around lunchtime that Dart decided to take a stab at Rath. Wil watched as Dart, who was still half-drunk, swaggered up to the nomad and said, "You know what's funny, Rath?

"Sea cucumbers," The pirate continued without waiting for a response from the nomad. "Them's the funniest damn things you've ever seen. You know why? Because they aren't bloody cucumbers, that's why! I mean, you take one look at this green, spongy thing, and you think, 'who the hell thought it was a cucumber?' I thought that, I did. And you know what? They aren't cucumbers! They don't even taste like cucumbers! I know what a cucumber tastes like, and believe me, I like cucumbers, but sea cucumbers? All they do is give you these nasty boils inside your mouth that burst and make you hurl all over the mainsail. Arr, Rath, them's what's funny, sea cucumbers. Don't yeh think so, matey? ...Matey?"

Rath was already walking away.

"Arr, matey, you come back here now! I haven't told you about the scar on my ass!"

~~~Serra's Second Attempt~~~

"Oi, Wil, nice shooting today!"

Wil turned towards the voice, waving as he recognized Heath running up to him. "Thanks, Heath. You were great, too." It was kind of awkward; Heath never spoke to Wil outside of their nightly dinner group, but he didn't mind it.

"So, was there anything you wanted, Heath?" Wil asked.

"Eh...I was kinda curious, if you were going to try for the gem," Heath said.

"Nah, I'm not interested in playing Legault's little game," The archer said. "Are you?"

Heath laughed bitterly. "Legault disqualified me, saying that 'since I was his boyfriend I couldn't participate, because he'd be biased.'"

"Wow, that's too bad," Wil said, a little surprised; it was the first time Heath had ever called himself Legault's boyfriend. "So...you and him are really..."

"No," The wyvern rider said quickly, his cheeks turning red. "He said it, not me. I would never ever, ever, ever---yipe!"

Whatever Heath would never ever do, Wil didn't get to find out, as the wyvern rider suddenly jumped into the air. "Tickle tickle tickle!" Said a little voice behind the wyvern rider. Serra was standing behind him, holding a feather right at Heath's neck.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?" Heath spun around, glaring at the cleric. She looked at him for a moment, her eyes wide. "Oh, you're...dammit." She sulked off.

"I think she thought you were Rath," Wil said, suppressing a laugh.

"I wear Bernese armor, though..." Heath shook his head. "Rath is Sacaen..."

"Since when has logic stopped Serra?" Wil said. "I have to go meet Rath. See you later, Heath!"

"Yeah...bye..."

~~~Wil's Unintentional Attempt~~~

"Well, Matthew, fancy meeting you here!"

Matthew put his finger to his lips, signaling for Legault to be quiet, and motioned for him to crouch next to him. Neither of them made a sound as they peered through the bushes, studying their latest targets.

"What has happened so far?" Legault said quietly.

"Nothing at all," Matthew whispered, snorting a little. "I think you were dead wrong this time, Legault. There is no way he could ever---wait, look."

Legault smiled. "Ooo, this'll be interesting." He craned his neck, listening intently for the voices that had begun to drift towards them.

"...Don't hold your reins..." Came Rath's deep voice; he was behind Wil, and it seemed he was teaching the archer to ride his Sacaen horse. "Loosen your knees..."

"Whoa!" Wil swayed a little, grabbing Rath's arm. "Like...this?"

"Yes." Rath let go of Wil for a moment. "Now slide forward, just like that."

"Foward?" Wil said. "How do I go forward? Rath, I---waah!" The archer toppled off the horse, landing with a dull thud in the dirt.

"Wil!" Rath quickly dismounted, and crouched next to Wil, who seem to have had the wind knocked out of him. It took him a minute to catch his breath, then he said, "I-I'm fine." He stood slowly. "Owww..."

"You might be injured," Rath said, checking Wil's arms and ribs for signs of broken bones. "Do you want to stop?"

"No, no, I'm fine," Wil said. Even from their position, both of the thieves could tell he was embarassed.

"The only place you would be able to practice further is on the battlefield," Rath stated. "But...perhaps training on the battlefield is not a good idea..."

"But what choice have I got?" Wil snapped. "Where else can I train but the battlefield? Oh! Wait... Are you trying to back out of this training exercise? Not a chance. You owe me for laughing at me before!"

"Before?" Rath said. Then, slowly, a smirk pulled at his lips. "Number...three..." He turned away from Wil, shaking a little.

"See! You're doing it again!" Wil poked Rath in the back, and the nomad started laughing loudly. "I can't believe it! You never laugh, but that whole 'three' thing just slays you every time! Why?" Rath didn't answer, still laughing. Wil, obviously annoyed, started to leave, but Rath caught his arm.

"I'm sorry," Rath said, chuckling one last time. "I will teach you to ride. Forgive me."

Wil scowled at the nomad for a moment, then his scowl melted into a smile. "It's fine. Just keeping teaching me until I can ride got it?" Rath nodded, and another small laugh escaped him, making Wil scowl again. "Seriously, I mean it. You promised."

"I swear on the honor of my tribe." Rath said gravely. Wil shook his head. "Now, you don't have to go and make that big of a deal out of it..."

"No...I swear by Mother Earth and Father Sky... Because..." They were very close to each other now. "Because you have taught me something important as well..." And with that, Rath gently kissed Wil.

"Blech!"

"Shush, Matthew!" Legault said sharply, clamping a hand over the other thief's mouth to silence his gagging noises. "It's getting good now. ...And licking my hand arouses me more than it grosses me out." Legault removed his hand, grinning at a frowning Matthew. "Well?"

"You win." Matthew reached into his cloak, pulled out a purse, and counted out ten gold coins, which he gave to Legault. "I never would've thought Wil was both gay for Rath AND the thing that makes that nomad laugh. Damn, soon I'll be the only straight man left."

"Nah, as long as Hector has Lyn and Florina, he'll always be a perfectly straight man-whore." Legault pocketed the coins. "So, you're free to abandon your straightness and pursue that little swordsman you've had your greedy eyes on!"

"Eww, no thank you," Matthew said, crossing his arms. "I only buddy up with him because of his underwear."

"And you call yourself straight," Legault snorted.

"It's not like that!" Matthew said quickly. "He has Sacaen jade sewn into it, all for decoration!"

"Sacaen jade?" Legault said, his eyes wide. "Do you have any idea how much that is worth?"

"Of course."

"Well, then..." Legault looked around, making sure that Wil and Rath were occupied, then shot out of the bushes towards the camp.

"Where are you going?" Matthew yelled after him.

"Hey, I have to take that jade before you do," Legault yelled back over his shoulder.

"WHAT?" Matthew jumped up and sped after the other thief. "That's mine, I saw it first! I mean...gah, DAMN YOU, LEGAULT!"

----

Holy shit, you lived. Rape and review, please.

[Florete]

Lol, I read that a week or so ago on Fanfiction.net, or whatever the URL is. Funny stuff.