Decline and Fall of the Galactic Republic Feedback

[blah the Prussian]

So here it is, as per Hylian's request. I have never tried a multi part narrative before, so don't expect by any means this to be a masterpiece. Feedback, then, is not just welcome but requested,

[Moblin Major General]

So, it seems we're off to a turbulent start. It seems that the clones are not nearly as effective or levelheaded as Fett clones. Also, why would Count Dooku aid the Separatists while his apprentice was still alive?

[blah the Prussian]

1 hour ago, Hylian Air Force said:

So, it seems we're off to a turbulent start. It seems that the clones are not nearly as effective or levelheaded as Fett clones. Also, why would Count Dooku aid the Separatists while his apprentice was still alive?

I'm changing a lot of stuff around with Dooku, but essentially he didn't think he'd be actually fighting Qui-gon.

[Moblin Major General]

I think you might be taking "The Empire is Space Nazis" a little too literally.

[blah the Prussian]

9 hours ago, Hylian Air Force said:

I think you might be taking "The Empire is Space Nazis" a little too literally.

Actually, I'm basing this much more on the fall of the Roman Republic than Wiemar Germany.

[Moblin Major General]

So, how long until you call forward "he was the best starfighter pilot in the galaxy?" Also, I feel like Obi-Wan would be disappointed in his older self. Also, did you age them up to fit Anakin's original look from RotJ?

[blah the Prussian]

8 hours ago, Hylian Air Force said:

So, how long until you call forward "he was the best starfighter pilot in the galaxy?" Also, I feel like Obi-Wan would be disappointed in his older self. Also, did you age them up to fit Anakin's original look from RotJ?

No, I aged them up because kid Anakin is stupid and him being past the age of consent here allows for some initial development of his relationship with Padme. Also, why do you say this Obi-wan would be dissapointed in his older self? Obi-wan in the OT is absolutely making a vital contribution.

[Moblin Major General]

4 minutes ago, blah the Prussian said:

Also, why do you say this Obi-wan would be dissapointed in his older self? Obi-wan in the OT is absolutely making a vital contribution.

In that he goes back to Mos Eisley when he apparently resolved to never go back.

[Rapier]

I like that you're giving Dooku a presence from the start, rather than the prequels' choice to barely introduce him near the middle of Episode 2, then have him die in the start of Episode 3. Seeing his political maneuvres and actions from day one expands on the character's potential, which the prequels didn't work on as much as it could've been.

I confess that I don't like Palpatine's utter lack of subtlety. As far as I've read (up to chapter 2), he's acting as a proto Hitler/Trump inflammatory politician, rather than the calm, shrewd Sith Lord he is. If he's going to mention the Sith Creed to the cameras right on the planet where the Jedi Council belongs, which should at the very best warrant an angry Samuel L. Jackson knocking on his door, he might as well speak about the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise to the public. It's a very strange rewrite on the character, but it could work through creative license (and I know you want to deviate from canon, so).

Anakin being already 18 might cause problems, unless you can think of a very good reason for a reactionary order to overlook their principles and accept him into the Order despite his advanced age. You can argue Luke was trained anyway, but there was no Jedi Order then, the situation was dire and the ones who took him into training were already far from that reactionary mentality. For a 18 year-old Anakin, it'd be odd, especially if your fic's Obi-Wan isn't that much older than him.

Other than that, about the prose you're using, I really recommend not mixing dialogue "Like this" I said as I was giving an example of what I meant with your descriptive and narrative paragraphs without reason. It only serves to confuse and/or clutter the paragraphs. I suggest not putting dialogue on the middle unless you really need to.

I'll watch your career with enthusiasm.

[Moblin Major General]

I don't know why you gave Anakin a dad, unless you had Shmi lie to him because not having a dad and being a slave your whole life is even worse than the lie. Or is this tied in to Owen? I can't believe I forgot about Owen. Also, Maul was on the Lucrehulk-class, wasn't he? Why else would he be able to find them after only about 12 hours when it took him 2 days in canon?

[blah the Prussian]

23 hours ago, Rapier said:

I confess that I don't like Palpatine's utter lack of subtlety. As far as I've read (up to chapter 2), he's acting as a proto Hitler/Trump inflammatory politician, rather than the calm, shrewd Sith Lord he is. If he's going to mention the Sith Creed to the cameras right on the planet where the Jedi Council belongs, which should at the very best warrant an angry Samuel L. Jackson knocking on his door, he might as well speak about the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise to the public. It's a very strange rewrite on the character, but it could work through creative license (and I know you want to deviate from canon, so).

Palpatine is more based on the Pupulare politicians of the late Roman Republic. What I should probably make clear in the story is that he isn't the first to advocate for the poor, so the Jedi don't immediately suspect him of being a Sith just because he says some inflammatory things. My Republic is less stable than the one of canon. Plus, Palpatine in canon was basically what he was because of fears over the PATRIOT Act. I don't want to tell that story. Also this isn't the Sith Code in my version.

23 hours ago, Rapier said:

Anakin being already 18 might cause problems, unless you can think of a very good reason for a reactionary order to overlook their principles and accept him into the Order despite his advanced age. You can argue Luke was trained anyway, but there was no Jedi Order then, the situation was dire and the ones who took him into training were already far from that reactionary mentality. For a 18 year-old Anakin, it'd be odd, especially if your fic's Obi-Wan isn't that much older than him.

Meh, I can manage it; the main thing is that it was more important to me to give Anakin development time for three installments; he's basically a blank slate in AOTC, wasting his screen time in TPM, which I want to avoid.

Thank you very much for the writing advice!

23 hours ago, Hylian Air Force said:

I don't know why you gave Anakin a dad, unless you had Shmi lie to him because not having a dad and being a slave your whole life is even worse than the lie. Or is this tied in to Owen? I can't believe I forgot about Owen. Also, Maul was on the Lucrehulk-class, wasn't he? Why else would he be able to find them after only about 12 hours when it took him 2 days in canon?

I made Anakin's dad a random guy because I didn't like the idea of Plagueis creating Anakin for the purpose of being Vader because it robs the character of agency(any similarities to Rey in TLJ are entirely coincidental). And spoilers I guess, but yeah, Owen and Beru will play a more important role here.