Bullying.

[Michelaar]

This is for me at least, a very touchy subject. As someone who has been bullied for my whole life and still am, I want to talk about this to not only get advice for myself, but help others who have a problem with bullying as well.

My bullying started on Elementary school, when I was about 8. Keep in mind that I live in the Netherlands, so the education system is different than yours, most likely. Anyway, this was when the bullying began. Mostly, it was about me having to wear glasses, and about me being 'ugly.' People would always follow me around at school to tease me. And the teachers didn't care. When I went to them, nothing was done other than them saying 'Don't do that, that's mean." to the bullies. Of course, this did nothing to stop the bullying and I became someone who just didn't want to go play outside like the other kids and my siblings and rather stay inside and play videogames all day. I never had many friends at all, and no one stood up for me when I was being bullied. However, it all went worse when I went to High School, which was a nightmare. In the first year, I had a close friend. Or at least I thought he was. It was at this time that I discovered that I was gay (I was around 12 at this time I'd guess.) I decided to tell my 'friend' that I was gay and this is the thing that I regret doing most in my life. He said how disgusting it was and told everyone at school. A lot of people started bullying me and started to call me homophobic slurs, as well as 'Ugly', 'Disgusting' and 'Too skinny'. I really thought about killing myself multiple times. Normally I would be quite happy to be home, since that was pretty much my escape from all the bullying, but this was the time when everyone started to use the internet, including me. The bullying continued online, with a lot of people telling me to 'Go kill myself' and that the world would be a much better place without me. I was absolutely miserable, but I could stay happy with me because I had actual friends on the internet that understood me and I could laugh with. I could deal with the bullying because I had people who I could call 'friends.' When I finished high school, I was happy. I could move on to our equivalant of college. However, this was clearly the wrong choice, since I didn't like the direction I was taking at all. I decided that tourism wasn't for me and that I was going to drop out at the end of the year. I would go early but i'm underaged and the law said I had to keep going to school for the whole year. During this past year, I didn't really get bullied persé, however, I was moreso being ignored by a lot of people, even though I did absolutely nothing to them. What I am going to do in the next year, is going back to high school, but on a higher difficulty. This was really the best option for me, since I need to figure out what I want to do in life. However, I am very worried that the bullying will continue again, and I want to make sure that doesn't happen. This is why I want to ask you for advice. 

If you have a similiar problem, please post it here as well. I will try to help, even if it may not be the best advice you've ever had.

[Moblin Major General]

I have AS, which means that I'm not a normal person by any means. Funnily enough, most of the bullying I went through was by people who I thought were my friends, and some of it (though it isn't intentionally malicious, and definitely not abusive) was through my family. They love me dearly, they tell me that all the time, but some of the words they say would be insulting and hurtful if said to people they don't know as well. As for the "friends" who bullied me, one of them is a very successful and accomplished person who's probably way smarter than me, now. The others, however, aren't so much. One was exploitative and was in a relationship with one of my oldest friends in middle school and almost made me reconsider friendship with her at one point before she saw the light and promptly dumped him. The other probably wasn't even a friend at all, and during 7th grade, it came to a head when someone got a teacher because his bullying made me grip a freshly sharpened pencil tightly as I cried, seeming to them that I was going to do something I would've really regretted. I got punished, but the administrator knew that I wasn't really the one with the problem. Needless to say, after freshman year, I never saw him, and I never found him (nor him me) on social media, so I don't if he's even still alive due to some other problems he has that I won't get into. I don't have any advice to give, because a lot of my issues resolved themselves, and in some ways didn't go the best way.

[Michelaar]

Wow, that's very tough to hear. I have Asperger myself, which means i'm different from a lot of people as well, and I feel like I don't understand people, and they don't understand me.

[EricaofRenais]

I have been bullied because of my type 1 diabetes including by my dad (who should know better but does not care), being told that "a shot makes it all better" a shot for me is life support with out insulin injections I will die within a couple of days, being told that it is my parents fault I am sick because they fed me bad food (I have type one which means diet had no part at all in my getting sick), being told oh if you just eat better you will be cured and so on.  I also have a rather big birthmark on my left hand that adults would harass me about as a little kid( I happen to have very fair skin and my birthmark is very dark brown), all these people would say I should have it cut off which was pretty scary to hear as a little kid lucky for me my mom was fine with me keeping it when I said I wanted to keep it I still have it and I actually like it even though I still get nasty comments about it from older people.  People bully because they can and it means they are small minded and don't have a big spirit, I think people who have to face bullying have bigger spirits and more courage then other people and they are the people who end up making a difference in the world, not the bullies.

[Anacybele]

Bullying sucks and I don't know why people don't stop doing it. I do know that most people that bully others have had a rough life themselves, so they pick on others to make themselves feel better. But some bully because of dumb hate like in Michelaar's case. Victims of bullying have been known to commit suicide. My brother probably counts as one of those, having been mentally abused/bullied by his ex girlfriend.

I was bullied all my life growing up too. Nobody seemed to like or care about me much (except for, strangely, 10th grade, where I was somehow voted homecoming princess. I turned that down though, because I don't do that stuff. I don't like that kind of attention and school dances are too loud for me). They'd just pick on and make fun of me for two main reasons. Wearing glasses (I was called things like four-eyes a lot) and the stutter in my speech. Especially the latter. I was constantly mocked for it. Someone in second grade almost got me suspended/expelled for something I didn't do and couldn't prove I did, but decided to accuse me anyway. Someone in fourth grade dumped glue in my backpack. High school, particularly eleventh grade, was the worst (though the school I was in at the time was awful. I went to four different high schools). I had gum put in my hair twice, my lunch stolen, garbage thrown at me in the halls, and laughed at. My senior year, this fat freshman girl had the gall to yell horrible unwarranted insults at me in gym. The same year, a black girl in the cafeteria tried to beat me up JUST BECAUSE OF WHERE I WAS SITTING. Literally. She accused me of taking her seat even though the table was EMPTY when I sat down. I fought back, but gladly, I wasn't in trouble. The staff nearby knew I hadn't really done anything wrong and my mom wasn't upset with me either even though I felt bad about fighting in school.

I have no idea what I did to deserve all this. I didn't choose to have a speech impairment or wear glasses or anything... And I always tried to be nice to people, even if I was socially awkward. (though I admit some of my behavior in eighth grade wasn't acceptable)

Edited May 20, 2018 by Anacybele

[Flee Fleet!]

Most of the bullying I ever received was because of me being fat (which I still am, unfortunately). In my old school,  mostly from 3rd grade to 6th grade, it was just subtle mockery and insults. I was also socially awkward, and still am, not to mention I also was too much of a "good boy/sissy" who complained about others breaking the rules too much. That just made me unpopular, obviously, but fortunately enough I never really faced outright physical bullying (probably because of my physique, as a lot of the kids during those times assumed fat people to be strong for whatever reason). After 6th grade the subtle mockery stopped and I was able to stop being so uptight and actually make friends.

By the time 8th grade came I transferred to my current school, and things have been okay for the most part. The only bullying I ever got was by one of the more popular students in my class, who just really hated me. I don't really know why, I guess its because he couldn't really talk about porn and shit with other classmates in front of me, in fear of me complaining about it to a teacher or someone (which I stopped doing by the time I reached 7th grade). He still hates me, I assume, but thank god he transferred to another school.

My current situation is...well...not great. I don't receive any outright bullying but I don't think most of my classmates have very positive opinions about me. I'm still quite socially awkward, and I also prefer to stay alone, so its not surprising if people consider me weird. I've made plenty of internet friends, but very few IRL friends. My family tries to help me become better, but their "help" isn't exactly helpful imo (except for maybe my dad's advice about just not giving a fuck about what others think)

In short, I've fucked myself up, and I don't know if I can ever be a person who's not considered a weirdo or loner.

I unfortunately don't have much advice to give, sorry. I just try to cope with my problems as days go by and its not exactly the best solution. I guess you just need to try to stay optimistic and hope for the best. Good luck.

[indigoasis]

I've never really been bullied all too much, as far as I can remember. Although I do feel as though I'm ignored by a good majority of people besides my friends. I try to talk with other people, but most seem to not hear me. Because of this, I usually stay quiet unless someone initiates a conversation with me. I'll start conversations with friends and some adults at school, but that's about it. It's even worse when I'm in larger groups, which pretty much eliminates an chance of me contributing to the group's conversation.

Another thing is that I feel as though I intimidate people because of my general demeanor. My neutral facial expression often makes me look like I'm sad or angry, which might contribute to the fact that no one really talks to me. However, my face will change to a more lighthearted expression when I'm with friends. I'm also a fairly tall guy, taller than a good majority of my peers. I don't think being tall contributes to anything in particular, but it might, so it's why I mentioned it.

Getting back on topic, there was one time when I was younger, around 9 or 10 maybe, when me and my mom went to the neighborhood pool. I went in by myself, and sooner or later, there were these older kids that started harassing me. It even got to the point where they were trying to drown me. I cried to my mom about it, and later on my dad showed up. He told me one piece of advice: "It's a small mind trying to get out." I didn't quite understand it at the time, but I thought yelling that sentence at the kids would make them feel bad about themselves and stop. So I did, and if I remember correctly, it worked (probably because they thought I was weird at that point).

Another event that happened not too long ago was that I was walking through the hallway to get to my bus after the bell had rung. So I'm walking, and this random senior (at least I think he was, he had a short beard) pushes me out of nowhere and out of his way. He didn't say anything, he was talking with his friend the whole time and even smiling, and he just casually pushed me out of the way like it wasn't a big deal. I was about to move out of his way, too, but he didn't give me a chance to. I told my parents about it, and they told me that if it happens again, either stand up for myself, or call the police. I haven't gone down that hallway in a while, so it hasn't happened since.

If there's one piece of advice I can give, it's that bullies and the like have a small mind trying to get out. I'm still not too sure what it means, but it's the best advice I can give. Also, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself or other people. I believe standing up for oneself and others will make stronger people in the long run.

[Dark_Fire27]

I've had my share of bullying troubles myself, but mostly in my elementary years than anywhere else. I was socially awkward, and for my first year, I was unable to speak clearly because my teeth were messed up. Admittedly, I still have trouble socializing with others, however, it is on a smaller scale. My whole life so far, though, I have been admittedly 'slower' than than the others, for when it comes to grasping some concepts or ideologies, I would end up coming to know them later than the others. I also do have a bad habit of stating the obvious from time to time as well... but, I mean, the way the other kids approached these things, it just irked me to no end, yet there wasn't really anything I could do about it, from 5th-7th grade, I had to stay inside during the breaks just to get away from the bullies, as the teachers wouldn't do anything about it. Heck, when it came to my 7th grade graduation, I did one small thing to stand up for myself, and suddenly, I'm unable to go on the graduation trip while the others did, which... I was just frustrated with. Heck, even a friend in my year helped as well, but they got the same punishment (though when summer came, we were introduced to a summer festival that happened during that time not too far away from us, which admittedly, made up for not going).

Now I had only a small handful of friends growing up; being in a small town, this isn't really ideal, and so, a lot of them ended up moving, though a few remained right to the end. 8th grade, I still had issues, but they weren't as bad; a few mocks here and there, but as I was in a higher-grade school at this point, I was able to get through it. As soon as I hit the 9th grade, everything changed that year's Valentine's day, when I showed up to the dance with a girl, whom recently moved into town and I have worked alongside her brother, who has autism, a few times. When I asked her if she wanted to go to the dance, I was afraid that, like my 8th grade Valentine's Day, I would be by myself, and turned down... I was surprised when she accepted. Essentially, once I stepped in through the doors with her at my side... everyone, even the bullies who picked on me, looked at me differently from there.

My dad has a saying that I still firmly clutch onto. "The best revenge is living well." Essentially saying, getting by on an upbeat note, no matter how difficult things seem, everything that gets under your skin and your buttons pressed, they lessen and lessen, to the point where you're not the easy victim others thought you to be. I never understood this until the 9th grade, and I went to a dance with an actual date. Everything after that moment, the bullying just became so minimal to even nonexistent, that I was actually able to focus, to have a life without worrying in fear that something bad was going to happen.

All in all, I guess the point I'm trying to make is that, no matter how difficult things may be to you, don't let what others do or say to you get to you in a way they can notice. Just smile, wave, and keep on keeping on. If you show that what they're doing to you isn't bothering you, even though deep inside it sort of does, so long as they can't see that suffering, the bullies will lose interest soon enough. This is really the only piece of advice I can offer you; it may not be much, but I hope it works out all the same. Best of luck to you and where you decide to go as well!

[Frosty]

I've been bullied merely for the fact that I'm one of those IQ-inclined types of people in my younger days. In my parts before, intellectually-focused folks get the unfortunate stigma of being branded as insane or manic. Unfortunately, my experience with bullying left a rather nasty mark on me, the non-stop bullying resulted in me becoming unforgiving and harsh, developing an extreme thirst for vengeance and a really glaring perfectionist nature. The last side-effect coincides with various expectations from other people.

If anyone's wondering how long I've been bullied, from elementary up to the end of my high school days. This is why I feel sketchy on the concept of making friends because I also had my share of false friends who are also subtly bullying me before.

Edited May 23, 2018 by Frosty

[Shoblongoo]

I was reading, writing, and doing math at a 2nd-grade level in preschool; consequently I skipped a year and was the youngest, smallest, least socially adjusted boy in my class when I started elementary. 

...I had trouble making friends in elementary school. I got along with adults better then with kids my own age; I didn't fit into any of the elementary school cliques. I was constantly getting beaten up by the bigger, stronger boys. By 4th grade I was locking myself in the bathroom crying and refusing to leave until my parents came to get me out--I liked learning, but I hated school. Life sucked and it felt like life was always going to suck. When you're a little kid you have no frame of reference and no sense that real life hasn't even started yet--if it can be said that life is a game, your'e still just playing the tutorial.  

...By high school I had friends. People with common interests and common problems and the same quirks. We weren't the popular kids by any stretch of the imagination and they still gave us plenty of shit, but it wasn't--devastating--anymore. It washed off me. It was tempered by a sense that the bullies were, by-and-large, dumb shits who were going to peak in high school. I was light years ahead of them in the long-game of life, and there was just no reason to get mad at them. This was what they had--let them have it.

...By college I had largely matured out of my quirks. I had a proper "in-crowd." A very active social life. Girlfriends. Parties. Life was good. 

...By law school I had a choice to make: I was in a place where I could either become one of the big bad bullies myself, or one of the guys who takes them down.

...And now I'm in a position where I get to regularly take the worst kinds of bullies, haul them into Court, and sue their pants off.
__________

Moral of the Story: Play the long-game

When you're young it feels everything is the way its going to be forever and nothing is ever going to change. The #1 thing you're going to wish you knew then that you'll know when you get older is: that's horseshit. 

Let it bother you in the moment. Only in the moment. Then break on through to the other side. 

And temper every experience with the knowledge that one day an older, smarter, stronger version of you  will be looking back on it, laughing at how dumb kids can be. 

Edited May 23, 2018 by Shoblongoo

[Michelaar]

9 minutes ago, Shoblongoo said:

I was reading, writing, and doing math at a 2nd-grade level in preschool; consequently I skipped a year and was the youngest, smallest, least socially adjusted boy in my class when I started elementary. 

...I had trouble making friends in elementary school. I got along with adults better then with kids my own age; I didn't fit into any of the elementary school cliques. I was constantly getting beaten up by the bigger, stronger boys. By 4th grade I was locking myself in the bathroom crying and refusing to leave until my parents came to get me out--I liked learning, but I hated school. Life sucked and it felt like life was always going to suck. When you're a little kid you have no frame of reference and no sense that real life hasn't even started yet--if it can be said that life is a game, your'e still just playing the tutorial.  

...By high school I had friends. People with common interests and common problems and the same quirks. We weren't the popular kids by any stretch of the imagination and they still gave us plenty of shit, but it wasn't--devastating--anymore. It washed off me. It was tempered by a sense that the bullies were, by-and-large, dumb shits who were going to peak in high school. I was light years ahead of them in the long-game of life, and there was just no reason to get mad at them. This was what they had--let them have it.

...By college I had largely matured out of my quirks. I had a proper "in-crowd." A very active social life. Girlfriends. Parties. Life was good. 

...By law school I had a choice to make: I was in a place where I could either become one of the big bad bullies myself, or one of the guys who takes them down.

...And now I'm in a position where I get to regularly take the worst kinds of bullies, haul them into Court, and sue their pants off.
__________

Moral of the Story: Play the long-game

When you're young it feels everything is the way its going to be forever and nothing is ever going to change. The #1 thing you're going to wish you knew then that you'll know when you get older is: that's horseshit. 

Let it bother you in the moment. Only in the moment. Then break on through to the other side. 

And temper every experience with the knowledge that one day an older, smarter, stronger version of you  will be looking back on it, laughing at how dumb kids can be. 

Thats the actually the best advice I have been given in a long time. This is actually really inspiring! Thank you for sharing your story with us!

[Shoblongoo]

3 minutes ago, Michelaar said:

Thats the actually the best advice I have been given in a long time. This is actually really inspiring! Thank you for sharing your story with us!

I occasionally give good advise  

[Interdimensional Observer]

Interesting. 

Although there were a few annoying students who'd be bothersome as they would my classes as a whole, I largely escaped being personally pestered by others. Being socially awkward like others in here due to Asperger's, I did provide plenty of quirky moments if they wanted to, but largely if there was ever laughing, it was more with me than at me I think. I guess I was lucky. My sympathy inasmuch as I can offer it to you all.

It helped I was intelligent in high school and ended up in classes that were predominantly the smartest and most tolerant of my grade. Although I do recall one time having seen after the fact somebody recorded and posted online a video of me doing a high-pitched laugh lasting for several minutes once in class, when I was younger I could do that, I'd say I had the natural ability to produce nitrous oxide or something. I'm not sure if they meant it maliciously. I only knew about it because a near-age sibling of mine happened to see it and showed it to me. It was more difficult for them I think having to deal with my antics, since they cared about their reputation, while I did not, and yet they had to bear some fallout from with my actions. Although they were quite social and got through just fine with no issues, it was insofar as I can perceive years later without asking them just hearing things about me and having to shrug it off like bad news in newspaper.

Nor were my actions ever so brazen as to require reprimand or anything of the sort from the school just to say that, nonetheless, teachers did have something to deal with with me, not wholly bad being a teacher's pet I was. There was one class where my remarks could be a bit out there, and one student, in disbelief of them, would just respond "Wow.", not hateful or anything, just neutral disbelief. Back to the near-age sibling, since I was smart and eager, that also meant they, a normal student both behaviorally and academically, might have had some expectations from their teachers given my performance. I was a star and a scandal.

Edited May 24, 2018 by Interdimensional Observer

[Slumber]

I can't say it was ever as relentless or as oppressive as your case, but I had a pretty similar breaking point.

I have chronic migraines, and have had them ever since I was 5 years old. Throughout most of my elementary school days, I was mostly treated like a normal kid, just one who had to sit inside with his head down sometimes during recess, went to the nurse often, and was absent at least once a week. No problem connecting with people or anything, I just had to be left out of some things.

By middle school, kids were starting to learn how to be genuinely mean and ruthless. The middle school I went to was pretty rough, even for kids without problems, but I became a target for having a chronic illness. I'd be absent for periods of time and I'd come back to dumb rumors and stuff being spread about me. The craziest being stuff like "Oh, he has herpes". Words didn't often get to me so much. Eventually, since it was middle school and a bunch of hormonal boys were being packed in a tiny building, it got violent. I got sucker punched a few times and I ran out of patience. I got it in my head that they picked me out because I was gone and they saw me as weak, so any time there was a chance things might escalate, I'd fight. On top of this, I was on a lot of medicines, including cocktails of depressants and anti-depressants as doctors tried to figure out anything that might relieve my migraines, as nothing was working. I was going through puberty, my mind was out of whack, school was hostile, and a lot of time I was at home, I was in pain and had no relief. By about 7th grade, I had hit a point and took some tanto my dad bought at a flea market, and planned on doing... something to myself with it. I kept it in my room for about a year. Every time I was at my worst, I always felt immense guilt because I knew my family would feel worse than I ever did if I hurt or killed myself.

When I returned to my classes after a semester on medical leave in the middle of my last year of middle school, I was in a slightly better mental state, and just let everything slide, hoping that middle school would be over and high school would be a more stable environment. I took myself off my meds and just tried to stay optimistic. Thankfully everyone mellowed out by high school, and most of the people who targeted me the most went to different schools, or were placed in remedial classes and I never saw them. I was back to being the kid who just had to sit with his head down sometimes and was absent about once a week. I can't say I recall any serious bullying during high school, and I was cool with pretty much everyone.

I wish I could offer some advice, but you're correct in saying that I don't know the culture there. My general train of thought has always been "Ignore them, they'll move on", but if it has been going on since elementary school, then they clearly haven't and won't. I suppose that if you're going your own path, it might just be best to focus on that, and make connections with people where you can, and hopefully they can stay positive. Life outside of high school is much different. Once you're out, people tend to be more well adjusted, and you really only need to surround yourself with people you want to. If bullying persists in university or work, there are more serious ways to deal with it beyond hoping teachers do more than slaps on the wrist. Most colleges and work environments won't tolerate harassment like a high school will, where students are legally obligated to be there.

Edited May 24, 2018 by Slumber

[expshare]

I've been bullied some. I don't really remember all the nuances. Stuff like being chased, touched against my will, secretly filmed while naked, punched, choked until I almost fainted, degraded verbally a lot, had my eyes pried open and forced to stare at flashing lights one time, etc. I remember a lot of it. I remember the flashing lights incident, for example. I was  held down and my eyes were held open while someone flicked the lights in the room on and off really fast. They knew that I didn't like flashing lights. Only one person was laughing, the "master mind" / "main guy". Pretty soon after the lights started flashing I started yelling. The main guy commented that he liked the fact that I yelled because to him it showed that I was willing to fight back. Maybe he liked the fact that I was resisting him unsuccessfully or something.

None of the bullying was bad enough to do permanent damage. I got over the most unpleasant bullying after about a couple months of being away from the situation. I wish it was that way with other things, like depression. My personal dream in life is to not be depressed.