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ProfImpossible

Can you make the SW prequels any good? CYOA

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You work as a janitor at a secret military base. Your friend told you that they're making a time machine, but she also told you the Star Wars prequels would be good, so you're not sure she can be trusted. You're pretty content with your job, and damn good at it if you do say so yourself, it can get a little boring though. You tend to spend the slow parts thinking about things. Philosophy, politics, the Star Wars prequels.. god they really sucked. They had so much potential too! But there were problems from the get go, the special effects, too much world building, he had three previous movies for gods sake! We didn't need to know the entire workings of the galactic senate. The biggest thing you can't understand is that George Lucas wrote and directed A New Hope, and that movie's fine! Oh well, not much you can do about it I guess. You continue your janitorial duty, eventually you come upon a door you've never seen before, it's locked and says "TOP SECRET" on it.

What will you do?

 

A.) Try to pick the lock with the paper clip in your pocket

B.) It looks a little dusty, clean it.

C.) Don't bother with the door, continue being the best goddamn janitor in the world!

D.) Try to pick the lock with the credit card in the wallet that lives in the hole in your pants.

 

Edited by ProfImpossible

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Hm, door looks a little dusty, better dust off door. Oh, it actually says "STOP, SECRETS!". Well that's pretty clear, you probably shouldn't be too nosy. You continue cleaning the hallways and rooms and junk. Once you're done you start putting away all your things in to the janitor's closet. While your in the process of stashing your things a general walks by. You quickly stand to attention and say something along the lines of "good evening general, how was your day". He stops and says something an army guy would say like "at ease" or something "It wasn't great, I'm getting laid off in the morning, Seems I accidentally leaked some important information about our project and it's been making the rounds on the internet. With any luck it'll be written off as a stupid conspiracy. But either way, they just don't think they can trust me. He stands there for a little till it looks like he gets an idea "You know, I've noticed that since we took you on here, the place has never been cleaner, your one of the best damn janitors I've ever seen. Say, if you could go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?" 

Better not screw this up, what'll you say?

 

A.) I'd go back and find the guy who decided to pronounce quixotic "kwik zotic" and deck him.

B.) I'd go back and try to help George Lucas not make the Star Wars prequels godawful movies.

C.) Assassinate Hitler of course.

D.) Assassinate the Phantom Menace.

E.) Get a job that doesn't suck like being a janitor does.  

 

 

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"I'd go back in time and tell myself to study something useful, like Latin. So I don't  wind up doing something as soul crushing as cleaning and dusting and mopping and repairing light fixtures and-"   

"That'll do, son. I get it, I can see how this wouldn't be the most fulfilling job, even if you are damn good at it. Well, thanks for indulging me, I'll be off now... for good."

Wow, that guy seems super sad, he must've loved doing... whatever generals do. It's not like you can help him though, even if you are the greatest goddamn janitor in the world. On your way out of the building you pass the security guard, Reggie. You stop and do that heel pivot thing people do in the movies that always looks super cool and natural but just looks staged and weird in real life. "Hey, Reg (every one calls him Reg, which is short Reggie, which is short for Hayden Christensen .). What would you do if you had a time machine?"

"I'd go back in time and tell my parents to NOT name me Hayden Christensen, as this has resulted in all baristas refusing to serve me coffee because their favorite movie is all 3 original Star Wars movies watched back to back. Or I would change the blue milk in A New Hope to coffee, so that whenever I order it, people will think I really like Star Wars."

"Coooooooolsies, well, I'd better get going."

"Okay, see you tomorrow

 

Once you get home you're pretty tired so just eat dinner and then hit the hay. 

...You're sleeping

...You're still sleeping

...Uh oh. You aren't sleeping anymore, why aren't you sleeping any more? It sounds like someone knocked on your door but you're not sure. You guess you better go check it out.

No one's there, luckily. There's a fridge sized box on your doorstep, it's got a note that says "To the best goddamn janitor in the world, from your old pal the general. Make the most of it."

What will you do?

 

A.) Oh no! The general mailed himself to me! I'll save you!

B.) Oh no! The general mailed himself to me, inside a fridge!

C.) Just open the box like a sane person

D.) Open the box like an insane person

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You try and drag the box inside, but it's way too heavy, you decide to just open it outside. Inside is a slightly smaller box made of what appears to be red metal and glass, a phone booth you believe they're called. "Wait a minute... this is a science type nerd thing isn't it? It could be dangerous."

 

 

A.) No, it's just a thing for making calls, make some kickass phone calls!

B.) Your not sure, call your friend with questionable opinions.

C.) Danger's your middle name, jump in that science machine and make some sweet sweet science happen.

D.) Kick it.

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Aaaawwwwwwwwwwww yeah baby, it's science time. You've got the machine, you've got the science, lets make it happen. 

Ooooooh yeah. Flip those levers.

That's how you do it. Push buttons.

mm hm. You're definitely doing science now.

A robotic voice starts to speak. "time sequence initiated". "Crap" you think, "I must've lost myself in the science and accidentally turned this thing on. Just then you feel a terrible ripping and reforming in your face atoms.  "Sequence complete".  Goddamn it, your head hurts like hell, and the rest of your body hurts like a slightly more lax version of hell. "Where am I?" You look at the screens in the science box, "9/28/1997, Elstree studios, UK." ..."1997? " Shit, you're idiot friend was right. You also seem to be cursing a lot more than usual, probably a side effect of this  damn time machine. Oh well, better get out. When you step out you realize you're in a bathroom. There's an out of order sign on one of the stalls that you take and put on the time machine. "Yep, that's good enough". As you walk out of the bathroom you see a set in the distance, they must be making a movie or something. You decide to go check it out. When you get closer you can start to make out who you think the director is  "greasy grey hair, round, director's chair say "george" on it"    "O M G",  you think to your self. "I know exactly where I am.

 

A,) Run over there. Screaming that you're from the future and have valuable in information

B.) Run over there. Whispering that you're from the future and you have valuable information

C.) Sneak up on George Lucas and try to scare him

D.) Wait till they're done shooting, then follow George Lucas home, stop by a costume shop, wait till he goes to sleep, and try to get some scrooge stuff happening.

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You stop and think, how can you help George Lucas? You're from the future, but no one would believe that, and you're on a highly secure movie set. AH! you've got it. Hide until the shoot is over, than find a sheet and follow George Lucas home, there you can make him change his ways, Back to the Future style! Hmm, that seems a little too wacky/home invasion-y, but it's the best Idea you've got. Maybe there's radiation in that time machine that's screwing with your brain or something. 

You're waiting...

you're waiting some more..

You continue to be in your state of waiting-ness...  

Ooh, there filming the introductory scene with JarJar. George Lucas gets out of his chair to issue a note, oooh man this'll be good  "Now Ahmed, is it possible to do a thicker Jamaican accent? I really want it to be thicker" 

" Um, yeah sure George, whatever you say"

Oh god he really needs your help.

You wait till the day is done, then you follow George Lucas to his house. You jump into Liam Neeson's trailer and snag a sheet and a jedi robe on the way.

Once you're at his house you wait till night and then follow him inside (the guy left is back door unlocked for gods sake, there must be something on his mind) You put on the sheet and the robe and then start going "woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" in a spooky way and bobbing back and forth.  George Lucas wakes with a start.

You: "I am the ghost of star wars future, I have come to you with great knowledge of the future of star wars"

George: "Wait don't hurt me, I didn't mean to make the parallels between A New Hope and The Hidden Fortress so obvious! I promise not to use time tested formulas for my movies!

You: "What? That's not what I'm here for, if anything, you should be doing more of that"

George: "Oh, really? than why are you here?"

You in an even spookier voice: "I come from a future where a mere mention of all three star wars prequels is met with a groan"

George: "Lo! How may I avoid such a terrible fate? O wise ghost?

You: "dude, why are you talking like that?"

George: " I thought a ghost might understand me better if I spoke like a ghost"

You: "yeeeeeeeeeah don't talk like that, also I'm from the future so I'm more of a "spirit""

George: "Oh so like a force projection? I just had this great Idea to put Anakin at the end of Return of the Jedi instead of Darth Vader"

You: "Please don't do that either, it only makes people mad"

George: "Pfft, what do you knnow? I invented freaking star wars all on my own. But I guess you're some future genius, huh? huh? huh? What would you have me do?

 

Jesus, George Lucas is acting like a total prick. What will you do?

 

A.) Suggest he cuts JarJar, most of the CGI, the senate, and just bases the movies on the Samurai trilogy by Hiroshi Inagaki. Anakin can be that little kid that Musashi picks up, Obi Wan can be Musashi, and Darth Maul can be Sasaki Kojiro. It all fits.

B.) Screw George Lucas, go short the housing bubble or something.

C.)Suggest he doubles down on everything.

D.) Suggest he includes a scene that states the blue milk was actually space coffee.

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By roll of dice... A!

 

You: listen man, I've got a particular set of skills, and they're all gonna help you to not make godawful movies.

George: Ooh that's a good line, can you just imagine that coming out of Liam Neeson?

You: ...Sure man do whatever you want, wait, NO! That's what got you into this mess! 

You: Look man, all you have to do is lift the plot from the "Samurai" trilogy about Musashi Miyamoto. If you do that, you're golden.

George: I don't know, I kinda want to do more my own thing with these movies.

You: DONT YOU GET IT MAN!? THIS THING IS BIGGER THAN YOU! STAR WARS ISN'T YOU, YOU ARE STAR WARS! IF THESE MOVIES ARE BAD YOU LOSE THE ONLY SOCIAL CRED YOU HAVE!

George: But what about American Graffiti? Indiana Jones?

You: No one cares about those compared to Star Wars. Star Wars defines who you are, you are the Star Wars guy. In my timeline, these movies ruin your future, you end up having to sell Lucas Film to...Disney.

George:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

You: if you don't wanna do that then you better take my advice.

George: fine I'll do whatever you say!

 

Good, you've successfully convinced  George Lucas to steal instead of expressing himself as an artist. But you feel like there's still something on your mind.

 

A.) It's probably nothing, just go back to the future.

B.) Oh, one more thing. You should put in a scene that states the blue milk is actually space coffee.

C.) Oh, one more thing. Where's the bathroom?

D.) Run amok in the nineties, baby!

Edited by ProfImpossible

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You: "Hey, George, one more thing."

George: "Yeah, what is it?"

You: "Can I crash at your house tonight? ...And then can you take me with you to the studio so i can get back to my time machine?"

George: "*sigh* sure man whatever, just don't talk to me anymore"

 

Success!

After a really awkward car ride you make it back to the time machine, and eventually, the future!

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