Jump to content

You're knowledge of traditional Texas barbecue leaves much to be desired. CYOA


ProfImpossible
 Share

Recommended Posts

Spoiler

This is an open format Cyoa. You pick a choice, write something, gives choices, someone else does the same, on and on and on.  Have fun.

I and only I have the power to end it.

You are you, you're pretty average except for one defining characteristic, you barely know anything about traditional Texas style barbecue.

 

A.) Learn more about it by going to the library.

B.) Enter a barbecue contest.

C.) Search for a grill master to pass on the ways of the Q.

D.) This really isn't that important, learn how to play piano instead.

E.) Oh, wait, you just remembered you hate Texas, learn about Carolina style barbecue instead.

Edited by ProfImpossible
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A.) Learn more about it by going to the library.

You go to the library but the only book on Texas style barbecue you could find is held by a little girl with crayons and she's scribbling all over it.

A) Try to find her parents.

B) Yell for the librarian "There's a kid scribbling in one of the books!"

C) Take the book from the little girl and throw her crayons in the trash.

D) Leave the library because you don't have time for this shit. Learn about Texas style barbecue another way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Can I add E: Attempt to learn more about Jugdralian BBQ as it's clearly superior to all other forms of BBQ? No? O-ok, ok, just put the Tyrfing down!

We'll go with A.

You attempt to find her parents...or a librarian...or literally anyone else. Somehow, the library is completely devoid of all personnel bar yourself and the little girl.

To attempt to convince the small child to give up the book, perhaps by offering another book in exchange(It's not like there's anyone around to be mad about her coloring in any of these), comment below.

To sock the little brat one, grab the book, and run(Again, there isn't exactly anyone to complain about it), comment below so we can all tell you how messed up you are.

To go back and select option D from the above list, essentially going back to the original list, comment below.

And finally, to sit down, gather your thoughts, and attempt to simply meditate your way into BBQ enlightenment...well, you know the drill.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

34 minutes ago, SoulWeaver said:

To go back and select option D from the above list, essentially going back to the original list, comment below.

You suddenly remember why the library is devoid of people. It's smartphone and data. You calmly sat and connecting your phone with library's wi-fi and copying all the tex-bbq those you can find. You leaving the library and....

A. Go to meat market

B. Go to seasonings market

C. Go to kitchen-set store

D. Go home

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, ProfImpossible said:

E.) Oh, wait, you just remembered you hate Texas, learn about Carolina style barbecue instead.

As a Carolinian, I feel obligated to be disappointed in you all for not picking this. My preference for Memphis style barbecue notwithstanding.

 

18 minutes ago, illegal knight said:

B. Go to seasonings market

You look up seasoning stores on your phone and go to the one on the first page with the highest rating. Oh no! It's an Indian spice store though! What will you do now?

A) Make Texas style barbecue with Indian spices

B) Make curry instead

C) Go home

D) Thrash the place in anger

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just now, AnonymousSpeed said:

D) Thrash the place in anger

You feel the rage well up in you as your very sinews expand. Your clothes no longer contain you. It becomes apparent that the reason you knew very little about Texas Style BBQ was because your field of research was a bomb containing the isotope Strontium 90. Alas, when you tested said bomb, an old blind and deaf woman wandered onto the testing range. In your haste to remove her from the field, you failed to set an adequate time on the delay (to explain the situation to someone with the hearing capacity of a pretzel), and were caught in the blast.
Now in fits of anger, you transform into a Strontium 90 fueled beast known only as the Unstoppable Behemoth. Hounded each day by the military and a slew of lawyers from a major comics company, you seek only peace and a decent T-bone steak. Suddenly, you are beset by a crowd. Is it the military? Is it the lawyers? Is it gawkers who think Marvel are filming a movie again? Who knows. Your next step is to:

a) Fight your way through the punters with the meat cleaver that you found

b) Escape with your incredible handstand sprint

c) Sulk in a corner. This isn't what you wanted. It's Mrs. Gunderson's fault for wandering onto the test site.

d) Pretend to be Mark Ruffalo and sign autographs
 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

42 minutes ago, Mad-manakete said:

b) Escape with your incredible handstand sprint

Another (more fortunate) side effect of the accident is that now you have immeasurable skill in, and knowledge of, gymnastics. You use your amazing ability to vault away from the crowd like a graceful antelope. The downside is that you also forgot everything you new about traditional Texas style barbecue. The sadness of this fact is the only thing that can calm you down.

 

A.) Give up on barbecue and join cirque de sloleil 

B.) Enter a barbecue contest. How hard can it be?

C.) Search for a grill master to pass on the ways of the Q.

D.) Watch every episode of Steven Raichlen's Project Smoke, Primal Grill, and Barbecue University back to back.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, ProfImpossible said:

C.) Search for a grill master to pass on the ways of the Q.

You search for a master to pass on the secret arts of flavored meat. You find one, luckily, who was carting away a wheelbarrow full of firewood and wood chips. You seem to recall, as if in a haze, that certain woods provide aromas to meat.

You beat your breast to get the man's attention, which, sure enough, works. You grunt in pidgin English afterward.

"Me want to learn cook meat open fire," you said.

The man, who was all the while wondering how you can be so eloquent in your state of blind rage, composed himself, stroking the nonexistent beard in his smooth chin, and said, "so you want to learn the ways of the Q?"

You grunt in approval.

"Well then, grasshopper. You must do a few things for me," the man grinned broadly.

You tilt your head to one side, not so much in response to the thought of manual labor, but at his honorific, such as it may be loosely called, for you.

Will you:

A) Continue the pleasantries, realizing you need help from this man,

B) Stare at him quizzically and wonder to yourself, "What in the name of fiddlesticks have I gotten myself into? And why am I having such erudite monologues despite my near-bestial state?"

C) Jump up and down, pointing your finger to the mountain of ribs and steaks the man is about to cook,

D) Pound the man to the ground for wasting your time?

Edited by Karimlan
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Karimlan said:

A) Continue the pleasantries, realizing you need help from this man,

"I need you-" says the man, as you bounce up and down in giddy anticipation of a smoky and delicious future, "to destroy the Tangy Carolina BBQ restaurant across the street from mine. Their superior-tasting product is cutting into my business."

A) Smash the Tangy Carolina BBQ restaurant

B) Go learn to make the supposedly superior Carolina-style barbecue

C) Eat the Q Master's raw meat

D) Ask for a less illicit assignment

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

A) Smash the Tangy Carolina BBQ restaurant

No one cares about Carolina style barbecue no matter how much better it tastes because Carolina is not as loud and insecure as Texas.

You decide to smash the restaurant! It's awesome, you love smashing things almost as much as you love (Texas Style) barbecue. 

You doing a great job, hey maybe you should take some of the wood this restaurant is made of to grill over? 

 

A.) Yes, create delicious Texas style barbecue smoked over the corpse of the Carolina style restaurant.

B.) No, that would be disrespectful, just regular burn it to commit arson, the hot crime.

C.) Wait a minute! Meld the two styles into to "Texalina sytle" Barbecue

D.) Cut the Restaurant some slack... just steal all of their meat, for practice.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, ProfImpossible said:

D.) Cut the Restaurant some slack... just steal all of their meat, for practice.

 

Despite your bestial form, you really want peace. Wondering if the Carolina style restaraunt owner wants peace too, you assume it's best if you leave him with his livelihood. However you figure it won't hurt if you steal some of his meat, after all you need the practice, and it's not like he's using it after hours. You don a black outfit to blend into the night and sneak over there as silently and stealthily as humanly possible. Alas, because you're over 7 foot tall and about as dense as osmium, you kind of stand out. More so because you forgot to wait for nightfall. Once again you find yourself surrounded by:

a) Lawyers, wishing to sue you on behalf of Marvel for your resemblance to the Incredible Hulk

b) Mark Ruffalo fans, wishing for your autograph for the same reason

c) The military, because they apparently have nothing better to do than hound you

d) The customers, because they think you're queue-jumping
 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, Mad-manakete said:

a) Lawyers, wishing to sue you on behalf of Marvel for your resemblance to the Incredible Hulk

A squad of suits attempts to engage you, but backs away a cautious distance, as if taking cue from someone reading Sun Tzu. A furtive one steps forward and serves a writ, in carefully enunciated monotone, "On behalf of our client, we would like to serve a notice of suit to you for copyright infringement. You will be given 30 calendar days to seek counsel, after which you—"

You give him a backhand strike that sends him flying for miles and miles, changing him to a star. "Me need no counsel Me need meat!"

The rest of the lawyers quiver at the sight of their colleague being flung away.  Do you:

A) Continue your rampage, realizing that subtlety is not your strongest suit?

B) Hide somewhere and reformulate a way to get in the BBQ joint and steal their meat?

C) Backpedal and decide to torch the place?

D) Break down and sit down with the lawyers?

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Karimlan said:

A) Continue your rampage, realizing that subtlety is not your strongest suit?

You're tired of getting hounded by these lawyers. You'll never be able to enjoy barbecue in peace with these chumps hounding you about factors about your physical appearance that you can't help. You decide to continue punching them into space, causing the lawyers to scatter and cower. Alas, they are not fast enough to escape your might, nor can they find any cover which you can't easily throw aside. Chaos ensues as lawyers are screaming and flying in every direction. With one swipe you send three lawyers into the next country. Then, you hear a voice behind you- "He's gone violent! Send help! Send in the big guns! Send-" You punch him into the ground so hard he arrives in China.

You continue your rampage until all the lawyers are defeated. Just then, though, Attorney General Jeff Sessions crashes through the rough and lands behind you, Superman style.

A) You voted for Clinton. Fight him.

B) You voted for Trump. Surrender.

C) You voted for Gary Johnson. Fake having a heart attack so that he leaves you alone.

D) Iunno you didn't vote what is this garbage

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

D) Iunno you didn't vote what is this garbage

You didn't vote but he shot lasers from his eyes (superman style). You able to dodge it. You still have to face him and your pride prevents you for doing fake heart attack. Now you will...

A. Use your Str stat : challenge him on arm-wrestling

B. Use your Mag stat : persuade and convince him about bbq

C. Use your Skill stat : hit him with your high Critical Rate

D. Use your Spd stat : attack him with your fast Double Hits

Link to comment
Share on other sites

37 minutes ago, illegal knight said:

B. Use your Mag stat : persuade and convince him about bbq

You've decided that the Attorney General's laser eyes are not something you're particularly interested in tangling with, as you are a rather large and rather uncoordinated target. Instead you persuade him that you only came here in the first place due to your love of barbecue and you explain that if he'll help you out, you will share the fruits of your labor, (speaking of fruit, you're kind of in the mood for orange juice, but you push that out of your mind for now). He agrees and together you steal all the meat. However, you didn't completely destroy the shop, so you're not sure if the master of the Q will still be willing to teach you his ways. Do you:

A) Hope he will be satisfied by you stealing all the meat

B) Return the meat and seek help from the owner of the Carolina BBQ

C) Have Jeff Sessions BBQ the meat with his laser vision

D) Shrink

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, Solvaij said:

C) Have Jeff Sessions BBQ the meat with his laser vision

As you and United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions carry the raw meat across the street, United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions is struck by a sudden hunger for cooked meat. Using his laser eyes, he turns a raw rib into a cooked rib, and your attention is quickly grabbed by the scent. One optically roasted rib turns into two as United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions entertains your request for a rib for yourself. Before either of you quite realizes what happened, the entire heist has been turned into an aromatic pile in the middle of the street.

Just as you prepare to indulge yourself in the feast you and United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions have prepared, United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions pulls from his spandex a bottle of white sauce and pours it all over the meat pile. United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions explains that no meat is complete without the mayonnaise based barbecue sauce signature to his home state of Alabama.

A) This sauce is delicious! You eat the meat with United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions in as polite a manner as one can do in the middle of the road.

B) This sauce is delicious! You eat the meat with United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions, but try to hog as much of it for yourself as possible.

C) This sauce is terrible! Get angry with United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions and attack him!

D) This sauce is terrible! Get depressed and revert to your normal form.

Edited by AnonymousSpeed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

15 hours ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

A) This sauce is delicious! You eat the meat with United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions in as polite a manner as one can do in the middle of the road.

Grateful for his assistance in completing your life-long goal of finding a good T-bone steak, you finish your meal with United States Attornery General Jeff Sessions. After he departs, you feel the contentment welling up within you as you shrink to your normal form. But alas, as all good things must come to an end, it turns out much like the fictional character you resemble, your memories of your time in your mutated form are foggy. As the whisps of recollection of your meal fade from your mind, you come to wonder what the Behemoth did this time, and where you're going to find pants which the elastic hasn't been ruined in by your transformation. Your next step is to:

a) Resume your quest for the T-bone steak, unaware your bestial side already achieved this goal

b) Search out information about what your bestial self has done this time in the hopes it hasn't ruined too many lives

c) Curse the name of Mrs. Gunderson for her near-sighted wanderings on government testing facilities

d) Go shopping for pants with stronger elastic, as these ones have to be held up at this point.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Mad-manakete said:

d) Go shopping for pants with stronger elastic, as these ones have to be held up at this point.

You fully intend to resume your quest to learn more about traditional Texas BBQ but first, you seriously need to get some new clothes. You head to the nearest clothing store:

A) Bloomingdale's

B) Old Navy

C) Goodwill

D) The trashcans behind Goodwill

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, Solvaij said:

D) The trashcans behind Goodwill

You don't have any money because United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions kept bugging you for "bus fair back to D.C", and not wanting to get laser fried or deported, you just gave him your wallet. Given this fact, you decide that the trash clothes would most certainly be good enough for you. You find a pair of bright yellow sweat pants, and a suit vest that for some reason has Huey Lewis and the News 87' handwritten on it.

 

A.) Go see if the bbq master will take you back

B.) Enter a bbq contest 

C.) Throw up because you just ate a shit ton of rubs and mayonnaise.

D.) Go into the Goodwill to try and research the history of this mysterious vest. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, ProfImpossible said:

D.) Go into the Goodwill to try and research the history of this mysterious vest. 

You walk into the Goodwill like "whaddup, I got a big question. Nah, I'm just pumped by some junk from the garbage bin." It's three in the morning so the only person there is the guy behind the counter. His eyes are red and stare blankly into space. You walk up and ask him about the vest, but he doesn't have any useful information.

A) Ask who you might ask about the vest

B) Physically threaten him to tell you about the vest

C) Ask for a hit o' that green stuff

D) Vomit on him

Edited by AnonymousSpeed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

A) Ask who you might ask about the vest

You ask where you might find more information about the vest. The man tells you the vest was dropped at the door of the Goodwill by some sort of enormous green monster. Great, you think, what did you do this time? It sounds like the only person who can answer your questions is you! Obviously this means you'll have to:

A) Get angry and transform into the Unstoppable Behemoth

B) Research a way to recover memories from when you're the Unstoppable Behemoth

C) Forget about the vest. It might come up later, but you'll worry about that when you get to it. Instead, continue your quest for BBQ knowledge!!

D) Go to sleep

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Solvaij said:

D) Go to sleep

You decide to nap.

what kind of nap do you nap?

1.) a cat nap.

2.) a disco nap

3.) a siesta.

4.) A funk nap, its like a disco nap but it lasts longer.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 7/8/2018 at 3:45 AM, ProfImpossible said:

2.) a disco nap

You go to sleep and dream about barbecue sauce made with plums, but your dream turns sour when a giant grey man in a trench coat dumps glitter into your sauce pot. You wake up on the middle of the Goodwill floor, drenched in sweat and with a massive afro now on your head.

A) Find some used scissors to cut your hair

B) Find a used mirror to examine yourself with

C) Look around for cheap grills and cookware

D) Go back to sleep, it's not even five AM yet.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 7/12/2018 at 11:30 AM, AnonymousSpeed said:

B) Find a used mirror to examine yourself with
 

Finding a mirror to examine yourself with, you realize this afro once combined with your yellow sweatpants and new vest may just be the thing you need to avoid lawsuits as the Unstoppable Behemoth. You smirk at your ingenious plan to get rid of those pesky lawyers. Now that you've had your "fashion overhaul", no one would be able to argue you look too much like the Hulk. With that done, you recall an issue with the man's story. Weren't you a shade of cyan, not green when you turned into the Behemoth? Probably colour illiteracy on the man's part. It's kind of between blue and green, you suppose. It can't be of any real consequence to you. With your ass covered both literally and figuratively by your new look, you set out on your quest to once again find some trace of that elusive perfect T-bone steak, blissfully unaware you've already achieved that goal as your alter-ego.

a) You set off to find information about Texas style barbecque once again

b) You set off to try to find out about Carolina style barbecque, but are unsure whether it's North or South, but assume North

c) You set off to try to find out about Carolina style barbecque, but are unsure whether it's North or South, but assume South

d) You set off to try to find out about Carolina style barbecque, but unsure whether it's North or South somehow end up in the Korean Peninsula

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I generally have a "Leap Frog Rule" about posting after someone responds to me but things here might need a bit of a pick up.

On 7/15/2018 at 5:27 AM, Mad-manakete said:

d) You set off to try to find out about Carolina style barbecque, but unsure whether it's North or South somehow end up in the Korean Peninsula

You head off to the airport in hopes of finding a Carolinian to ask about the proper variety of Carolina barbecue. You hear one man speaking with a Southern accent headed towards the terminal to wait for a flight to Charlotte and approach him, asking whether North or South Carolina barbecue is superior.

"North, in my opinion," he answers. "I actually used to make North Carolina style barbecue for a livin', but then the Unstoppable Behemoth came along and smashed my restaurant, so I'm headed home now. Say, speaking of the Unstoppable Behemoth, you actually have a remarkably similar jaw structure to-"

"OH I'M SORRY DID I SAY CAROLINA I MEANT KOREINA. THAT'S HOW I SAY KOREA."

"Oh, sorry, I guess South then-?"

"RIGHT THANK YOU VERY MUCH."

So you buy a ticket to Seoul, only for your plane to be shot down over the DMZ. You revert to the Unstoppable Behemoth, but you still have your afro and clothes and are very far from Disney's lawyers. Now what?

A) Go north, kill Kim-Jung Un and establish democracy

B) Go north, kill Kim-Jung Un and replace him as dictator

C) Go south and find out how to make Korean barbecue

D) Go south and find a job bottling Mountain Dew

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...