SF's "Write Your Butt Off" II - Return of Writer's Block

[DarthR0xas]

1 hour ago, Shoblongoo said:

Okay--there's something off about the dialogue here. I know how Nyx as a character talks and describes things--this isn't Nyx. This is the author talking in his narrative voice, putting it in quotation marks, and calling it Nyx's dialogue. If Nyx was describing these events in her own words and patterns of speech this isn't how she would be talking; Nyx doesn't talk like that

Ah, so that was a disconnect between characters. In that case, I think I'm going to need to work on proper character tone for this piece. Sounds hard but hopefully manageable.

[TheSilentChloey]

Okay here's my Entry:

Words: 2,074

Fandom: Fire Emblem Awakening Modern Twist

Title: Seasons

Spoiler

Most marriages all started with good intentions.  That was what Chrom thought. He wondered why then his marriage to his wife Sumia had gone so drastically downhill to the point where they were no longer speaking to one another no matter how good his intentions, nothing seemed to be right for her.  His younger colleague in the Shepherds, Robin swore off marriage himself though the albino was still quite young and had many years ahead of him yet before he had to make that kind of a decision. Robin did have a sad look in his eyes when he saw Chrom with his daughter, almost as if a part of him wished for a family of his own.

 

Chrom's marriage to Sumia, should have been a good one.  It should have worked, even if Chrom was a war veteran his marriage should have worked.  The marriage had no reason to fail and yet it did, Chrom unable to figure out why.

 

He thought that perhaps it was because he'd had to spend so much of his time at work.  Yet that hardly seemed right as Chrom needed to work to provide for his family and he was not an idle man by any stretch of the imagination.

 

Time always had a way of twisting intentions and pulling people apart, especially those who rushed into things like he had…

 

Maybe Frederick was right when he said that Chrom had rushed into marrying Sumia, that Chrom shouldn't have gone and got married before the war and held off until after.  Perhaps Chrom had not been thinking right when he married Sumia, though he'd thought it the right thing to do since she'd been pregnant with their daughter at the time- a detail not even Frederick the Wary knew about.  However, there was one thing that always stopped that thought.

 

His daughter Lucina.  Chrom loved her dearly, and she was the only solace he had as things between him and Sumia got progressively worse.

 

His friends became the shoulders Chrom lent on more and more as time had gone on and the marriage began to disintegrate.

 

His friends that he'd grown up with, gone into the military with, fought with in the Plegian war, friends who had answered Chrom whenever he needed them.  People Chrom trusted. Robin being the only exception as the Plegian had only recently arrived- looking to escape a civil war in Plegia- and had joined Chrom’s Shepherds to help the country that saved him.  Though Robin seemed to also have that knack for helping when needed, despite the age gap between them.

 

Chrom groaned as he went through another bill before him, an electricity one and in the process of paying the due amount.

 

Sumia sat in her chair reading, acting as if Chrom wasn't there.

 

The silence was cold, awkward and unforgiving as neither spoke.  Chrom sighed and cast a glance over Sumia. She was less than pleased with him.

 

The arguments behind closed doors were bad enough, but the accusation that he was cheating on her was too much.  Especially when it lead to silences like this. He could put on a façade that everything was alright, but their marriage was failing.  He tried not to think about the last fight as it would ruin him.

 

Chrom had been late.  The paper work he'd been working through important for Ylisse's Shepherds, the emergency response team, who were a group of Ylisse's finest ex-military men and women. They had the responsibility of protecting and helping people, no matter how big or small the job was and to help other emergency crews in Ylisse should they need the extra help.  The Shepherds were a group Chrom had founded to try to help ease the burden on his sister Emmeryn's shoulders as the Exalt Elect could not always visit all of Ylisse and the surrounding areas as her security had been compromised once, something the Council of Ylisse had not wanted to happen again.

 

That wasn't to say that Emmeryn didn't care about the people, far from it. She loved them, of course. In fact, it had taken Chrom months to get her approval, and now things were finally beginning to look up when Robin came to help. However he was just a boy, and Chrom didn't want to push the Plegian too hard, so had taken on most of the paperwork to compensate so that Robin didn't fall asleep at his desk trying to learn Ylissean and help at the same time.

 

So when Chrom arrived home, it was dark and cold, his car smoothly coming to a stop.  He got out, pulled his personal effects out grabbed the house keys yet again thanking Naga that Frederick had agreed to take the night shift so that Chrom could try to be on time for once.  He opened the door and Lucina came over smiling, “Father! You're home!”

“Lucina, how was school?  Did you have a good day today?” the doting father asked, smiling at his daughter,

Lucina smiled, “School was good, and I had a good day today Father.”

Chrom smiled, “I'm glad you did.” he said then glanced at his watch quickly, “I'll be sure to regale you with tales from the Shepherds tonight.”

Lucina’s eyes lit up, her Mark of Naga glowing as it often did when she was happy.  “I can't wait Father!”

 

Dinner was quiet as Chrom spoke with Lucina and Sumia telling them about his day.  There had been three calls that day. One with a lady with her cat stuck in a tree that the firefighters couldn't help with, as their units were stuck fighting a vicious fire in Northern Ylisstol. Then there was a child who had lost from their parents at the YPD, Ylisstol's local police department. And, of course, the more worrying car crash which needed more hands to help keep onlookers and traffic safe.

 

“Thank gods we had Robin there.” Chrom said with a shake of his head, “That boy is the most calm person I have ever seen, even if he struggles with Ylissean.”

Sumia had been frowning, however she said nothing, eyes down and Chrom couldn't get a read, meanwhile Lucina went on to talk about her day and how she was so close to finishing a project for her science class and she was glad for her father's help with it.  Of course after Lucina ate her dinner and finished her chores, she went to bed, leaving her parents in the quiet of the dining room. Sumia spoke,

“So what excuse do you have for being late this time?” Chrom frowned at the tone,

“Sumia.” He said, “You know that keeping the Shepherds running is a full time job-” the phone had rung then and Chrom picked it up to check the screen, Frederick's number appeared.  Not a good sign as Frederick only called if things were dangerously out of control,

“Then why?” Sumia said sharply, “Is the Shepherds more important than your own marriage?!”

“Sumia,” Chrom tried the gentle approach, “You know how much strain Emm has been under since the last war.” He said and knew that she should have at least understood that much, especially with how much he'd been affected by it since he did have to fight in it after all, “The Shepherds is at least what Emm needs.  And not just her but all of Ylisse as well. There has to be something to help people when it matters most, to be helping when emergency crews are overloaded and they usually are-”

“Gods Chrom you are so dense!” Sumia yelled, “You don't even care anymore do you?!”

Chrom blinked in shock, “Sumia that’s not-”

“I can't take this!” She yelled, “I just can't!”

He sighed, “Sumia not so loud please, Lucina needs her rest for tomorrow, she has school.”

“I-” Sumia began then she got up, “Fine.  I don't care. It's clear to me that I no longer matter to anyone.” She was shaking with rage.

 

So here they were, Chrom in the home office sorting through what bills that they needed to pay, Sumia...well she was just there reading her book.

 

He knew things were not working out but there wasn't anything he could do.  He didn't want to consider a divorce, but that was fast becoming his only option.  He had tried to make the marriage work, seen countless ‘marriage counselors’ who didn't do a thing to help as they said Chrom needed to work less.  He worked to keep Lucina in a good school, worked to keep their modest home maintained, worked to keep the bills paid on time, worked for them to be comfortable and Sumia...she thought he didn't care, even though he always went out of his way to make her birthdays, Naga Days, anniversaries and most certainly Mother's days as important as possible to show his gratitude for her.  He was running in circles without end.

 

He'd spoken with Frederick last night and the man had lent Chrom a sympathetic ear and Frederick explained that the call had been for assistance for another car crash and he'd not known if Chrom was able to help or not, reluctant to have Chrom away from his family for long knowing how long it had been since he'd last been home for dinner and that it had been a sore spot between him and his wife.  He promised to send out Stahl and Sully since the couple were the best at dealing with those and had Miriel informed for debriefing the pair once they completed their mission. Chrom sighed, “I might need to talk with Miriel myself.” He'd said, “I...well...it's complicated. I'll see her first thing tomorrow to see if she might have some insight into a problem of mine.”

 

He checked off the last bill from his list as Lucina poked her head into the office and said, “Father, Mother, my friend Noire has invited me to a sleepover is it okay…?” Chrom smiled softly,

“Of course, you have our numbers if you need anything.” he said and Lucina smiled,

“Thank you father!” She smiled, her Mark of Naga glowing and Chrom put the last of the bills away, now that they were paid and picked up the keys to the car and his set of the house keys,

“I should be home by six.” Chrom said and Sumia showed no sign that she heard.  He sighed and followed Lucina out to drop her off to school. He'd later come to wonder why he'd bothered saying that as he'd thought he'd heard Sumia scoff angrily.

 

When he arrived home that night, it was with Robin; the latter having being kicked out of his home by his father, Validar for not “being the son he was supposed to be”.  Being a good friend, Chrom had offered to help Robin out as the poor kid had nowhere to go and Chrom didn't want his friend to be on the streets. The young albino was very grateful and Chrom knew the spare room would do.  He'd sent a message to Sumia stating that a friend was coming to stay for a while and had heard nothing in reply.

 

A frown crossed his face but he thought little of it as Sumia had taken to not responding to his messages or calls for a while now, though it hurt that there was no communication between them, Miriel had no real insight to offer but she did suggest Chrom take the holidays he'd stacked up.  He opened the door and got Robin in the spare room so that he could settle in and went to see where Sumia was. Chrom came into the office and saw a sight he didn't like.

 

Sumia's wedding ring on a note.  Chrom frowned, read the note and wept.  He'd not wanted a divorce, and each word of this note tore at his very core as if Sumia was there yelling at him.  There was nothing he could have done. Each word he read was like a hammer blow to the chest as false accusation after false accusation was leveled at him.  He would have to tell Lucina. His heart ached at the very thought. However, he had work to do, and a guest to care for, this matter would have to wait. There was nothing he could do and that pained him more than anything else.

And don't worry it's going to be a multi chapter work on A03 so I will link it when said chapter is done...

[Rapier]

22 hours ago, Jotari said:

Yet another reason why Daylight Savings should be eliminated.

It was going to be, in Brazil, but our president went against it because allegedly "we're so much in debt, anything we can save will be good for us", which is a dumb response imo but this isn't Serious Discussion, Eclipse has probably eaten all of her fries and has no need for more salt.

17 hours ago, Dragoncat said:

"I love turning back the clocks so it gets dark at 4 pm"

I love waiting for a bus at 6am while everything around me looks like that episode from Spongebob where he's alone in a bus stop, it's already dark and it feels like something will creep out from the shadows at any instant.

man I wish I wasn't joking about this, considering my country's robbery/homicide rate, but this is enough salt for a post

 

[Jotari]

31 minutes ago, Rapier said:

It was going to be, in Brazil, but our president went against it because allegedly "we're so much in debt, anything we can save will be good for us", which is a dumb response imo but this isn't Serious Discussion, Eclipse has probably eaten all of her fries and has no need for more salt.

I love waiting for a bus at 6am while everything around me looks like that episode from Spongebob where he's alone in a bus stop, it's already dark and it feels like something will creep out from the shadows at any instant.

man I wish I wasn't joking about this, considering my country's robbery/homicide rate, but this is enough salt for a post

 

Damnit. You had a chance to do at least one thing right Brazil! You could have been an example for the rest of the world to follow...I mean regarding day light savings, not the whole corruption and deforestation stuff.

Edited November 3, 2018 by Jotari

[DarthR0xas]

59 minutes ago, Rapier said:

"we're so much in debt, anything we can save will be good for us"

Honestly, that's fucking hilarious. I mean, it's sad that a leader could be that dumb, but it's such stupidity in manner that you can't help but laugh at it.

1 hour ago, Rapier said:

I love waiting for a bus at 6am while everything around me looks like that episode from Spongebob where he's alone in a bus stop, it's already dark and it feels like something will creep out from the shadows at any instant.

Yeah that's always a fun experience, in that not even close to being fun kinda way.

[Rafiel's Aria]

Phew. Sorry I got a little busy and didn't respond to my last bit of feedback I got. I've read it all, and I really appreciate it. It'll definitely help me in the future. Actually, I had a project I was working on for a friend, and I think it helped motivate myself to finish it. XD 

Next round looks like a lot of fun. I'm all about failed relationships. Part of me wants to write something incredibly angsty. Part of me also wants to try to be creative and branch out from my normal toxic relationship type stuff. So I'm undecided for now. But I'll definitely do my best to complete something.

[Jotari]

Haven't seen much activity this week. Hopefully it's because everyone's working hard to continue the momentum from last round. Well here's my contribution. I'm a little disappointed by the quality, but I'm not sure how to fix it. It is a fun concept that I've been meaning to do for a while though. Hopefully the nonstandard formatting works with Serenes.

Title: The Hereafter

Words: 1985

World: Fire Emblem Heroes/Jugdral

Spoiler

 

Alvis x Sigurd C Support

: Lord Alvis. I see you too have been brought to this world. It’s good to see you.

: Sigurd! You’re alive?

: Of course I am. What do you mean?

: Nothing. I’m just glad to see someone else from my world here. Tell me…what is the last thing you remember?

: My father dying in my arms.

: Ah. I see you come from a time where you were still branded a traitor. I can assure you, the state of Jugdral will improve, Sigurd.

: I hope so. Many people have come to depend on me. I hope you didn’t believe what they said, about my father and I being traitors.

: I must confess, I found it possible. Things were, or are, quite crazy back in Jugdral. But seeing you now, I know you are not a traitor. When we return to our world, I will make sure to set things right.

: Thanks, Alvis. I know I can count on you.

 

Deirdre x Alvis C Support

: Alvis! You’re here!

: Deirdre. I’m so glad you’re safe.

: What’s going on? Someone tried to explain it to me, but I didn’t quite understand.

: I’m afraid I don’t entirely understand the situation either. It seems we’ve been called upon to fight in some otherworldly war.

: Do we have to? Can’t we just go home?

: Maybe. You could ask the summoner. But Deirdre, there are people here that need help. I don’t understand much, but I have Valflame, and I see you have Naga with you. I think there is much good we can do for the people of this world.

: But Alvis, I…what of our world? What of our children?

: I have no intention of abandoning Jugdral. My heart will always belong to my home land. However, I think we can learn much from how they deal with this conflict, without endangering anyone in our own world. Jugdral has been completely shattered; I must know how to rebuild it right. I think what I can witness from this world can help with that. This army we have found ourselves in is made up of citizens from many different worlds. Kings, heroes, tyrants and commoners all fight alongside each other as equals. That is the kind of world I wish to create. I must learn how it is accomplished, or witness why it falls apart.

: Alvis…

: But if you’re not comfortable with fighting, then I will make sure the summoner returns us to our world immediately.

: No…you’re right. I will do what I can to help.

: Excellent. Stay close to me. I shall see no harm befalls you.

 

Sigurd x Deirdre C Support

: Deirdre!

: Huh?

: Deirdre! I’ve finally found you!

: I’m sorry. You must have confused me with someone else.

: No! Deirdre, it is you! Don’t you recognise me? It’s Sigurd. Your husband.

: My husband!?

: Yes. And we have a son. Seliph. If you don’t remember me, then you must remember him.

: No, no. There must be some sort of mistake. Lord Alvis is my husband. And my son’s name is Julius.

: What…Alvis? Alvis of Velthomer?

: Yes. I’m sorry, I…I must go.

: No! Deirdre, wait! Please!

 

Alvis x Sigurd B Support

: Alvis! You bastard. What’s going on!?

: Sigurd? What’s wrong? Calm down.

: Don’t touch me! Why does Deirdre believe you’re her husband? Explain yourself, Alvis!

: That was…an unfortunate misunderstanding. Something happened to Deirdre. She lost her memories. I found her. We fell in love and we wed. I’m sorry. I never intended to take her from you.

: She can’t marry you. She’s already my wife!

: I’m sorry, Sigurd. When the truth was discovered, she chose me.

: No! I can’t accept this.

: Where are you going?

: To find Deirdre. To…to understand all this.

 

Deirdre x Alvis B Support

: Deirdre! There you are! Are you unharmed?

: Yes. Why do you ask?

: One of the other heroes, a man named Sigurd, I’m afraid he’s quite mad. He’s rambling about how you’re meant to belong to him. I think he’s planning something. We must go to the summoner at once and have him expelled from the order before he hurts someone.

: I think I met him already.

: What did he say to you?

: He told me we had a son…Seliph was the name.

: It’s a lie. Don’t think about it, Deirdre.

: But is it really so impossible? There are people from many worlds here. Is it impossible to think there is an alternate version of our world where he is my husband?

: No, Deirdre. You mustn’t think that way. This man wishes to destroy us. Look at me. I am your husband. I love you Deirdre. Don’t let that man take everything away from us. We are family, now and forever.

:…

: Please. Deirdre. Say something.

: I remember him.

: What!?

: That day, not long after where we were married. When you took me outside the castle and showed me the son of the man who murdered my father. It was him, wasn’t it? It was this Sigurd?

: Yes! He is from our world. That is how he knows of you.

: He tried to strike you down.

: That’s right.

: And then you killed him…Then we killed him.

:…

: He was telling the truth, wasn’t he? I am his wife. I always have been.

: Deirdre. You don’t understand. Let me explain.

: Please leave me Alvis. I have some thinking to do.

 

Sigurd x Deirdre B Support

: Sigurd…

: Deirdre! There you are. I’ve been looking all over for you.

: I spoke to Alvis.

: What did he say?

: He didn’t have to say anything. I remembered you.

: That’s fantastic! Come with me Deirdre. Let’s return to our own world. Let’s return to Seliph.

: I don’t remember Seliph.

: What?

: I…haven’t regained my memories yet. The ones that were lost. But I do remember you. On that day, when you came to Barhara.

: Barhara? But I never…

: I remember, you looked so tired. So worn. And then you saw me, and you were filled with such confusion. Such sorrow. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do.

: Gah! My head. I don’t understand. That never happened.

: Maybe not for you, but I remember it. I remember it so clearly now. You tried to kill lord Alvis. But I wouldn’t let you. I healed his wounds, and then he killed you.

:….

: If it weren’t for me, you’d still be alive now. But then…Alvis would be dead. Why? Why did it have to happen? Why did the two of you need to be enemies?

: Alvis…he told me he would make things right.

: Do you hate me?

: No, Deirdre. I could never hate you. I would suffer every injustice in the world before I’d hate you.

: Where are you going?

: To see Alvis…to make things right.

 

Alvis x Sigurd A Support

: Sigurd…

: Hello, Alvis. Deirdre has just been informing me of what lies ahead when I return back to my own world.

:…

: When we first met in this world, you asked what the last thing I remember was. Tell me Alvis, what’s the last thing you remember?

: Reuniting Jugdral. Putting an end to the wars.

: What a noble way of putting it. In other words, the last thing you remember is murdering me and seizing power for yourself.

: I did what I had to. For the sake of sanity.

: What was my crime, Alvis? Why did I have to die? Do you think I wouldn’t have supported you? Do you think I wouldn’t have helped to rebuild our country?

: You knew too much. We had given a narrative to the people. It needed to be followed.

: And you couldn’t let them know that I was Deirdre’s true husband.

: That…was something I didn’t know until I saw you. Until I saw the way you looked at her. I never intended to steal her from you. But I did love her. Why should my love take second place to yours? She didn’t know you. She was my wife. She is my wife.

: I used to respect you, Alvis. But now I see your true character. You only care about yourself.

: You’re wrong! I have sacrificed everything to get to where I am. And I did it all for the people. I will create a bright and shining future. You won’t stop me, Sigurd.

: Put away your weapon. I don’t intend to fight you.

: Then why are you here?

: To understand you. Goodbye, Alvis.

: Don’t think you’ve won. You haven’t won. Come back here. Sigurd! Sigurd!

 

Deirdre x Alvis A Support

: You lied to me, Alvis.

: No. I-

: You told me Sir Sigurd was a mad man. That he wanted to hurt me.

: I said he wanted to hurt us. I wasn’t wrong. He seeks to tear us apart. He wants to have you for himself.

: How much of it was true?

: How much of what was true?

: Everything. Our entire relationship. Was it even an accident that you found me?

: Yes. Of course it was. Deirdre…I swear, I’d never laid eyes on you until that day I saw you in the forest. My love for you, it isn’t a fabrication. I swear.

: Well then what is? Because I know you haven’t told me everything.

: Sigurd…he wasn’t a traitor. He was an innocent who had to die to end the wars.

: Why did you make me see him? Do you know how that made me feel?

: I…suspected you were his wife. It was a well known rumour that his wife had vanished around the same time I first met you. I connected the dots, and couldn’t live without knowing the truth for sure.

: I see.

: I love you, Deirdre. I always have. Do you love me?

: I…don’t know.

 

Sigurd x Deirdre A Support

: You’ve been to see him?

: Yes.

: Did he try to hurt you?

: No. No, of course not. Alvis would never hurt me, no more than you would.

: You can’t trust him.

: I know. And I don’t. Not anymore.

: I am relieved. I’ve yearned so much to see you this past year.

: I’m sorry. But I…can’t be with you either.

: What!?

: I can’t forgive myself for how I hurt you. I can’t be your wife again, because in my world, you’re already dead.

: But I’m not, Deirdre. I’m right here. Look at me!

: I’m sorry. I also have my children to think about. What’s more, I still don’t remember you. I don’t feel love when I look at your face. Only deep sorrow. Regret for what I did, and pity for what happened to you.

: Deirdre! You’re breaking my heart.

: I’m sorry. Please, forgive me. Alvis is the man I love, yet can’t trust. You’re the man I know I can trust, but I can’t love. I need to spend some time alone. Away from both of you. Away from this fighting.

: Deirdre…

: If things were different, I would have been glad to be your wife. But too much has happened. Maybe, if someday I regain my memories, I'll find you again. But for now, I have to stay true to what I know for certain. Goodbye, Sir Sigurd.

 

Edited November 28, 2018 by Jotari

[TheWildestCat]

After reading through all of these pages I don't understand what the theme is. Can someone explain it for me.

[Jotari]

1 hour ago, TheWildestCat said:

After reading through all of these pages I don't understand what the theme is. Can someone explain it for me.

"Write a story about a character in a failing relationship, and how + why the relationship is falling apart. "

Not sure how to make it any clearer than the original. Any specific part you don't get?

[TheWildestCat]

Thanks. Didn't see the quotes.

Edited November 13, 2018 by TheWildestCat

[Shoblongoo]

10 hours ago, Jotari said:

World: Jugdral

You madman. no one ever writes about Jugdral

Edited November 13, 2018 by Shoblongoo

[Jotari]

34 minutes ago, Shoblongoo said:

You madman. no one ever writes about Jugdral

I know :(

[DarthR0xas]

Wait, a Jugdral story? Drop everything, I'm reading that.

13 hours ago, Jotari said:

Haven't seen much activity this week. Hopefully it's because everyone's working hard to continue the momentum from last round.

I'm trying to man, but life is trying its hardest to say "No, you can't have fun writing something, you have literally everything else to do this week, and no time to do it". At the very least, I can use Thanksgiving as a day to quickly write something up.

[TheSilentChloey]

45 minutes ago, DarthR0xas said:

Wait, a Jugdral story? Drop everything, I'm reading that.

I'm trying to man, but life is trying its hardest to say "No, you can't have fun writing something, you have literally everything else to do this week, and no time to do it". At the very least, I can use Thanksgiving as a day to quickly write something up.

It's things like this that make me glad I finished early.  Life always has a way of being annoying...

[Ottservia]

1 hour ago, DarthR0xas said:

I'm trying to man, but life is trying its hardest to say "No, you can't have fun writing something, you have literally everything else to do this week, and no time to do it". At the very least, I can use Thanksgiving as a day to quickly write something up.

Honestly same well that and a small case of writer’s block. Like I have an idea fully fleshed out and everything and the motivation to write but when I actually put my hands on those keys and start typing... yeah it becomes a mess. You know sometimes I wish I could just temporarily turn off the little perfectionist in my brain just so I get SOMETHING down without constantly trying to fix it

[SoulWeaver]

11 hours ago, Shoblongoo said:

You madman. no one ever writes about Jugdral

Challenge accepted. Enjoy.

Heart VS Soul
1022 Words
Setting: Jugdral
DISCLAIMER: Some liberties taken

Spoiler

He said it was alright.

How could it be alright?

He said it was.

But they’re children!

He said-

They are children!!!

He…

...No. This isn’t right. It can’t be right.

...I have to talk to him. He’ll just blow off anyone else, but me...he might listen to me.

Knowing him, he’ll be with that Manfroy, beast of a man though he is. I don’t like Manfroy - he delights in the pain of others far too much, and I’m afraid he may have influenced Julius more than either will let on. At the very least, I feel there’s something Julius isn’t telling me about him.

...To be honest, I’m starting to worry there’s a lot Julius isn’t telling me, about a lot of things.

...As expected, there they are, with another Loptyrian Bishop...what was his name, Beld or something like that? I don’t like how at ease Julius looks with such...men.

“Ah, Lady Ishtar. I was wondering when you would grace us with your lovely presence.”

Sly, Manfroy, with that silver tongue. Don’t think I haven’t seen the looks you give me when you think Julius or I are not looking - I’m in the way of something for you, and you don’t like delays you can’t twist to your advantage. I’m only smiling because I don’t need you realizing I know what you think of me.

“Ishtar, love, there you are!”

Julius...oh, Julius, leaping to give me your chair, brushing it off to ensure it is clean enough for your love, even pushing it to the table once I’ve sat. Far more gentlemanly than any of these...things, disguised as men.

And yet...there feels like something else…

“I was just speaking with Manfroy and Veld about the state of things in this area. Apparently Tahra is the last city left to inspect, but for some reason the Friege generals seem reluctant to storm the city?”

Good, that’s exactly what I wanted to talk to him about.

“My father is hesitating because many important nobles, including my brother, are voicing concern with the ‘inspections’ - they’re claiming the children gathered are being taken from their parents by force, and that some are being killed by the Loptyrians and used as ritual sacrifices.”
“What?!”

Even Julius didn’t know? How could Manfroy keep that a secret for so long?

“They’re also claiming that those not sacrificed are being killed in fights to the death against their friends in some kind of sick gladiatorial contest. Those who do what they must to survive lose all sense of kindness or mercy, and cut down even their own brothers and sisters.”

“Manfroy, explain yourself!”

...I don’t like how calm Manfroy looks - far too unconcerned about the potential wrath of his ruler.

“My Lord Julius, I assure you, if there are any Loptyrians actually killing the children, they do so without my knowledge. There are some of the more sickly children who perish of natural causes, and I allow my men to use their corpses and lifeforce in some of our rituals, but I have certainly not condoned the murder of children within the sect.”

...Perhaps, but I highly doubt you forbade it, and it’s far more likely you merely choose not to watch your men so that you can say you never knew of any vile atrocities they perform.

“As for these ‘gladiatorial contests’, Lady Ishtar, I thought you knew about those - it was Lord Julius who first began that process.”

-?!

“I tried to tell you about them, love, but your mother interrupted us and I was distracted afterwards.”

“Julius, why would you authorize such a barbaric thing?!”

“Ishtar, I think there’s been a misunderstanding. I’m not trying to have them kill the children. I’m educating those children to be fitting citizens for my empire - for my dream! I can’t allow the world to reward the weak with labors stolen from the strong, hence the training and fights. Those who prove themselves shall be granted power and positions above the inferior weaklings - they’ll be the next generation of nobility. I’m not oppressing them, love - I’m offering them the chance to grasp their happiness.”

...I suppose there is logic in this. All the same…

“I wish I didn’t have to do it this way, love, but we’ve studied this for a long time, tried other things. All failures. This is the only real way to weed out the weak, the parasites, so that the strong may finally enjoy the fruits of their labors without fear of having their earnings stolen by those who feed off of the might of others.”

...So he’s tried other ideas? I suppose I haven’t been paying very close attention to the affairs in the empire recently - I may well have just missed them.

“...And the sacrifices?”
“Lady Ishtar, I assure you that I will discover who among my men has committed such acts and...deal with them accordingly.”

I can’t help but shudder at Manfroy’s tone. All the same, he’s more likely to be punishing them for being found out than for performing such atrocities in the first place.

“Well! Since that’s been taken care of, Ishtar, love, did you know this place has a lovely flower garden in the back? It’s almost half as lovely as you, come, let me show you!”

His logic makes sense...so why does something in my soul still scream that this is wrong? The screams...the children, the mothers, the fathers, the screams, the screams I still hear in my sleep...please, someone, anyone, make them stop!

“Ishtar, are you alright, love? You’re pale!”

“I fear it’s the bad air in this awful building, my lord - the air of the flower garden should do her much good.”

“Yes, love, come outside, please.”

“Julius…”

There’s something wrong.

But what...

He...brushed me aside.

I thought he’d stop the fights, the barbarity, if only I asked him.

That’s love, isn’t it?

And yet he made no suggestion of the kind.

How am I supposed to feel anything but revulsion within my soul at this callousness?

Yet...my heart still loves him, against all morality.

Why?

Author's Notes:

Spoiler

In my own writing, Ishtar joins the group known as the Wanderers after Julius is killed by Seliph and Julia, wishing to find someplace she can atone for her sins. However, I'd yet to draw up any particulars about the backstory involved when the prompt about a character who has committed an immoral act showed up, and decided I'd write somewhat about Ishtar's personal inner struggle, her love for Julius contrasting with her moral compass dictating that the Child Hunts were barbaric and horrible, ultimately making her one of the most fascinating characters in all of Fire Emblem for me. However, I procrastinated too long, and missed the deadline. Thankfully, this prompt occurred, allowing me to still use the same idea. I also contemplated writing about the relationship between Arvis and Julius instead, as beginning completely from scratch would allow me to better match the prompt in the proper fashion, but I haven't played FE4 or 5 at all, so I would be no easier off in terms of source material, and I find Ishtar much more fascinating as a character than either Arvis or Julius(gee, wonder why), so I elected to remain with what you see here. Since the script for Thracia Chapter 4 is minimalistic at best, I did have to take some liberties, but I hope I managed to hold true enough to the source material for the Genealogy diehards while still conveying what I'd intended to convey(Ishtar's moral struggle) and also managing to fit within the prompt. Do let me know how I did, I don't normally do this specific type of POV for my writing so it's very much out of comfort zone and felt awkward and choppy to me personally.

 

[TheSilentChloey]

Oooh nice!

[DarthR0xas]

Phew, barely finished in time. Not my best work, for sure, but I feel it's a lot better than my last story. Anyways, it is with sorrow (because they're sad stories not because I'm sad), that I give you

The Ninja's of Love

Words: 1062

Fandom: FE Fates

Spoiler

The cold night winds whipped past Saizo’s ears as he ran across the roof of the Northern Fortress. Rumors were circulating that Lady Corrin had been being kept at this location, and Lord Ryoma sent Saizo to see if said rumors were true. But Saizo’s mind wasn’t on the mission, it was something else far more important. His relationship with Kagero.

That stubborn hag doesn’t know what’s good for Ryoma or Hoshido! Saizo thought to himself as he ran along the wall. Sacrifices have to occasionally be made, by being too safe we missed a major opportunity to capture Fort Tinire from the Nohrians. We could’ve easily controlled the Bottomless Canyon, instead now we have to make a peace deal over it. And this isn’t even the first time something like this has occurred. She doesn’t agree with me on anything. This wouldn’t have happened if she wasn-

His thoughts were interrupted by the realization that he was falling. He must’ve slipped while he was deep in his thoughts. He quickly threw a shuriken with a rope tied on towards the wall. Lodging between the bricks, he began to ascend back up the wall, but he was spotted as he was climbing.

“Hoshidan spies are here! Quick, sound the alarm!”

Damnit, this is no time to get distracted over personal matters. Time to put my pyrotechnical abilities to use. Saizo pulled out two light bombs, tossing one in front of him and one behind. Pulling himself onto the roof of one of the many towers, Saizo prepared to make his escape.

“Halt Hoshidan spy!” A regal voice yelled at him as he was about to jump.

Oh gods, what have I gotten myself into this time. Saizo thought as he glanced behind him. His eyes met those of a blonde man, clad in elegant black and purple with a gold finish.

“Run as you may, Hoshidan spy, but tell your liege this. Anyone who tries to infiltrate this castle again will be slain before the Crown Prince of Nohr, Xander!”

Just my luck, my failures occur in front of Nohrian royalty. This will not reflect well on Lord Ryoma, Saizo scolded himself, but his thoughts lingered slightly as he leapt into the trees below. Kagero’s mission has to be going better than this, or else this whole night has been a bust.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kagero jumped from tree to tree, trying to close in on a Nohrian camp. Yet, her mind couldn’t focus on this important task, and instead it kept coming back to Saizo. That buffoon insists that we could’ve gotten Fort Tinire, but refuses to acknowledge the cost. Does he realize how many lives that would’ve cost the Royal Guard? And for what? A fort that would’ve been recaptured by the end of the month. This isn’t even the first time he has insisted on doing such stupid maneuvers, and it extend into our relationship. He won’t compromise on a single issue. I swear, it’s a good thing I stop that loon before he does anythi-

Kagero had jumped beyond the trees, right into the Nohrian camp. She had gotten too use to the rhythm of tree jumping, and had spaced out in her thoughts. Utterly unacceptable She thought as she threw a grappling hook back onto the tree, trying to swing back onto safety. Unfortunately, the momentum was too much for the poor branch. It broke off with a loud CRACK, and sent Kagero flying into the bushes.

“What was that?” Kagero heard a Nohrian guard shout. “Probably a Hoshidan spy, stay here, I’ll take care of it” Kagero could the sneer from the second man’s voice.

She looked out of the bushes to see who this other man was. He was dressed in a black armor, with a collar that looked like it was inside-out.

“Come out spy” the man said “Or are you too scared to face the might of Prince Leo of Nohr?” As fun as that sounds, I have more important things to do Kagero thought as she ran back to the Hoshidan camp, leaving Leo to yell about his might to the trees.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So we still have no clue on Corrin’s whereabouts, and although we do know there is a Nohrian camp, they are aware of our knowledge. And that is all we gained from last night’s mission, is that correct?” Ryoma asked.

“You are correct, Lord Ryoma” Kagero said.

“My sincerest apologies Lord Ryoma.” Saizo said, “A mistake of that caliber will not occur again.”

“I’m not concerned it will Saizo, you two are dismissed” Ryoma replied as he went into his chambers.

“Kagero, can we discuss last night’s mission?” Saizo asked.

“Yes, of course.” Kagero responded “I wanted to talk about it as well.”

“Well, during it I kept getting distracted, since I kept thinking of our relationship” 

“Odd, the same thing was occurring with me.” 

“Was it over how you feel it isn’t going that well?”

“Indeed, I assume it was the same for you?”

“Yes, why must you be so stubborn Kagero? If you could agree with me on anything we would be in a much better position.”

“I’m the stubborn one? The pot appears to be calling the kettle black. Saizo, you refuse to budge on your positions for quite literally everything.”

“This clearly isn’t working out, and I propose a solution.”

“And what would that be?”

“We set aside this relationship for the sake of Lord Ryoma. We cannot continue to fail our missions due to our ineptitude at handling this.”

“That seems like a worthy solution to me. If I might add something, I propose a vow.”

“A vow?”

“Yes, a vow that we will not let the end of our romance distract us from our duty.”

“That seems like a good idea.” Saizo says as he sticks out his hand.

“What’s the hand for?”

“To shake on it.”

“Alright”.

As the two shake hands, tears can almost be seen in their eyes. Almost, they are ninjas, masters at hiding. The two head in opposite directions, Saizo off to the mess hall in order to make more steamed buns for his upcoming mission, Kagero off to paint. Although this issue seems to have been resolved, who knows what could happen in the future, or what fate has in store for the two, and maybe this issue could be reconciled.

I realize now that I messed up the name. I suppose this is just a tradition now, that I always mess up the name in some regard. Whatever, I'll keep the mistake name.

Edited November 22, 2018 by DarthR0xas

[Ottservia]

welp I couldn't finish in time. stupid writer's block. Oh well I suppose I'll read the other submissions for now.

[DarthR0xas]

This time it's way easier to review the entries, since there are only four and one of them is mine. Also, everyone's (barring me in my opinion) stories were absolutely fantastic. Really hard to pick one, like seriously, I don't know if I can pick one since I'm so conflicted.

@TheSilentChloey

Spoiler

This feels, slightly incomplete. That's just kinda the nature of the prompt, but it slightly hampers my enjoyment. There are little details missing out that if they were there would elevate the story beyond. Namely, the lack of Sumia's letter. If we could see all of these false accusations, then it would hurt all the more, instead of being told that they stung. It would also help if we see a bit more of Sumia's rational. Right now it merely feels like she is blinded by rage and is unable to see how hard Chrom is trying. Some of that is due to us seeing this from the perspective of Chrom, but regardless it is a slight blight. All that said, great read, incredibly intriguing.

@Jotari

Spoiler

First off, amazing story. It was really interesting and a great read. I'm torn on the formatting though. On one hand, it lets me feel for the characters more, in an odd way. On another hand it feels kinda clumsy, and slightly stilted. I feel like calling them support convos doesn't really work. Most support conversations don't reference actions in another support conversation, they either establish events or build on those previously established events. The way they are in the story, it's more like the base convos in Tellius, or if you want a proper way to branch between the interactions, just say "3 hours later", or something to that effect.

@SoulWeaver

Spoiler

You said some liberties were taken, but I didn't really notice many. Probably because you didn't really go into the after Julius's death thing, even though she would be long dead by that point. Anyways, this is by far the best story in my opinion. However, it does have a slight flaw. Well, it has multiple, but this is the main one that jumps out to me. That being that Julius and Ishtar's relationship isn't failing. Julius is being a tad secretive, sure, but Ishtar still loves him with all of her heart, although her soul is complaining about something that if Julius speaks the truth here (not actually played that far in Genealogy yet so I can't be sure) isn't his fault and he has nothing to do with it. That said, this is easily the most human feeling of the stories. You can real get into Ishtar as a character. But again, this is where another issue comes in, that being the other characters. Well, more specifically Veld. He literally does nothing, he could be removed and nothing would be lost. He is pure window dressing, you read his name, go "Oh hey, it's Veld, that Thracia dude" and that's it. I feel if he and Manfroy maybe had a bit of evil back and forth, like Manfroy says one thing and the Veld clarifies it. Something to that regard so his place in the scene actually matters. Another issue I had was spacing. It worked at the beginning, but when everyone else was introduced it felt very cluttered. Instead of feeling like separate lines, everything melded together into a weird block of text. Also it occasionally got slightly confusing to tell who was speaking, namely at the end with the last bit of dialogue. 

A bit of self critique as well

Spoiler

I wrote that in less than four hours, and it kinda shows at the end. I hope my endings not being as good is something I can break. I also feel like my dialogue between Kagero and Saizo wasn't up to snuff, and I should've added more details to locations and whatnot. Most of that can be fixed by me not procrastinating until four hours til to actually begin writing it, but I kinda got busy playing Genealogy yesterday and forgot to do it.

 

[SoulWeaver]

On 11/22/2018 at 5:46 PM, DarthR0xas said:

@SoulWeaver

  Hide contents

You said some liberties were taken, but I didn't really notice many. Probably because you didn't really go into the after Julius's death thing, even though she would be long dead by that point. Anyways, this is by far the best story in my opinion. However, it does have a slight flaw. Well, it has multiple, but this is the main one that jumps out to me. That being that Julius and Ishtar's relationship isn't failing. Julius is being a tad secretive, sure, but Ishtar still loves him with all of her heart, although her soul is complaining about something that if Julius speaks the truth here (not actually played that far in Genealogy yet so I can't be sure) isn't his fault and he has nothing to do with it. That said, this is easily the most human feeling of the stories. You can real get into Ishtar as a character. But again, this is where another issue comes in, that being the other characters. Well, more specifically Veld. He literally does nothing, he could be removed and nothing would be lost. He is pure window dressing, you read his name, go "Oh hey, it's Veld, that Thracia dude" and that's it. I feel if he and Manfroy maybe had a bit of evil back and forth, like Manfroy says one thing and the Veld clarifies it. Something to that regard so his place in the scene actually matters. Another issue I had was spacing. It worked at the beginning, but when everyone else was introduced it felt very cluttered. Instead of feeling like separate lines, everything melded together into a weird block of text. Also it occasionally got slightly confusing to tell who was speaking, namely at the end with the last bit of dialogue. 

 

Spoiler

The main problem I had, and where the liberties were taken, is the lack of source material - this conversation actually doesn't happen in Genealogy at all, it happens in Thracia 776, at the end of Chapter 4. If you check the link, there's literally only ten pieces of dialogue in the entire conversation, and the way I ran the entry - having Ishtar interrupt them in their discourse rather than having her there from the start - ended up with me taking a couple more liberties, such as eventually dropping Veld's lines. I could try and fob it off with something like 'well, this is from Ishtar's POV, she was specifically looking for Julius and Manfroy, she's not really going to be paying attention to Veld' but that'd be untrue - I just didn't feel the need to add lines for a character who only contributes to the conversation minimally at best. Someone who's played Thracia and/or read that script could probably make the connection that Veld just finished giving his report, but you do have a point, it's a touch jarring to have this guy just sit there through the whole exchange without saying a word.
As for Ishtar and Julius' relationship status, that would be something I would also call a goof on my part because it requires understanding of Genealogy's storyline - namely, that Julius has been possessed by Loptyr for quite a while now, and Ishtar's engaged to...well, to the last fragment of a human soul in a body rapidly being taken over by a dark divinity. By the end of the game it could be argued that Julius, as Julius, would be dead regardless of whether Seliph had won or lost, since Loptyr would have achieved full possession by then if Julius' battle quotes from the last Chapter in Genealogy are an indicator - it's uncertain where Julius is speaking and where Loptyr is speaking using Julius' mouth. As it stands, Ishtar, and consequently any reader who doesn't know the source material, actually have no way of knowing how much of what Julius is saying is truth and how much is him just trying to calm her down, which is both a pro and a con in regards to me saying their relationship is failing.
The weird block would probably be me not usually writing in first-person - while my Wanderer storyline is done in first-person, the POV character is effectively me, so it's more me-wandering-around-in-a-story and less actual-storytelling. Definitely something I need to work on more, I couldn't quite get into the writing the way I wanted to. Thanks for the feedback!

 

[TheSilentChloey]

On 23/11/2018 at 11:46 AM, DarthR0xas said:

This time it's way easier to review the entries, since there are only four and one of them is mine. Also, everyone's (barring me in my opinion) stories were absolutely fantastic. Really hard to pick one, like seriously, I don't know if I can pick one since I'm so conflicted.

@TheSilentChloey

  Reveal hidden contents

This feels, slightly incomplete. That's just kinda the nature of the prompt, but it slightly hampers my enjoyment. There are little details missing out that if they were there would elevate the story beyond. Namely, the lack of Sumia's letter. If we could see all of these false accusations, then it would hurt all the more, instead of being told that they stung. It would also help if we see a bit more of Sumia's rational. Right now it merely feels like she is blinded by rage and is unable to see how hard Chrom is trying. Some of that is due to us seeing this from the perspective of Chrom, but regardless it is a slight blight. All that said, great read, incredibly intriguing.

@Jotari

  Reveal hidden contents

First off, amazing story. It was really interesting and a great read. I'm torn on the formatting though. On one hand, it lets me feel for the characters more, in an odd way. On another hand it feels kinda clumsy, and slightly stilted. I feel like calling them support convos doesn't really work. Most support conversations don't reference actions in another support conversation, they either establish events or build on those previously established events. The way they are in the story, it's more like the base convos in Tellius, or if you want a proper way to branch between the interactions, just say "3 hours later", or something to that effect.

@SoulWeaver

  Reveal hidden contents

You said some liberties were taken, but I didn't really notice many. Probably because you didn't really go into the after Julius's death thing, even though she would be long dead by that point. Anyways, this is by far the best story in my opinion. However, it does have a slight flaw. Well, it has multiple, but this is the main one that jumps out to me. That being that Julius and Ishtar's relationship isn't failing. Julius is being a tad secretive, sure, but Ishtar still loves him with all of her heart, although her soul is complaining about something that if Julius speaks the truth here (not actually played that far in Genealogy yet so I can't be sure) isn't his fault and he has nothing to do with it. That said, this is easily the most human feeling of the stories. You can real get into Ishtar as a character. But again, this is where another issue comes in, that being the other characters. Well, more specifically Veld. He literally does nothing, he could be removed and nothing would be lost. He is pure window dressing, you read his name, go "Oh hey, it's Veld, that Thracia dude" and that's it. I feel if he and Manfroy maybe had a bit of evil back and forth, like Manfroy says one thing and the Veld clarifies it. Something to that regard so his place in the scene actually matters. Another issue I had was spacing. It worked at the beginning, but when everyone else was introduced it felt very cluttered. Instead of feeling like separate lines, everything melded together into a weird block of text. Also it occasionally got slightly confusing to tell who was speaking, namely at the end with the last bit of dialogue. 

A bit of self critique as well

  Reveal hidden contents

I wrote that in less than four hours, and it kinda shows at the end. I hope my endings not being as good is something I can break. I also feel like my dialogue between Kagero and Saizo wasn't up to snuff, and I should've added more details to locations and whatnot. Most of that can be fixed by me not procrastinating until four hours til to actually begin writing it, but I kinda got busy playing Genealogy yesterday and forgot to do it.

 

Yeah...if I did go with Sumia's accusations it would M the piece.  Plus I wanted to leave it up to the reader to decide what those accusations could be.  But we live and learn I guess...

[Jotari]

@TheSilentChloey 

Spoiler

 

I don't really get fics like this. If the setting and character situations are so monumentally changed, why even make it a fanfic? Why not just make it a work. That's not exactly a criticism. It's just something I don't fundamentally get. On the subject of actual criticism, the nature of the world was a bit fuzzy. It's modern, but there's also an exalt and Chrom is some kind of salary man despite being a royal? Lucina still has her brand so there's magic too? And the Shepards function basically identical to their Awakening counter part, even though we don't really have anything of that nature in our own modern world (which makes Chrom's insistence about the necessity of the job seem kind of misconstrued. They'd probably all be better off if they became actual cops and firemen instead of some kind of third go to party).

On the plus side, I was invested in the story. It's a big subject to be handling and I was curious to see where you'd take it. Then it just sort of ended. I know you said it was only chapter 1, but I can't really judge it for this competition on what potential gains it might have down the line.

 

 

@SoulWeaver

Spoiler

This story very heavily suffers from a lack of establishment. It took me until the end of the text to realize it was taking place from the perspective of Ishtar, I knew she was present, but I didn't know it was her who's thoughts were being disclosed as her name is kind of introduced along with the rest. It's also very murky and unclear as to who's talking a lot of the time and we have no indication of where this conversation is actually taking place. Ishtar's inner thoughts are also inconstant used, leaving much of the story as a simple dialogue scene ripped directly from Thracia 776 with some slight additions. I like the concept, and I do like how you handled Ishtar's incredibly mixed feeling, but overall the execution needs improvement.

 

@DarthR0xas

Spoiler

 

I like this one. It was a little on the brief side, but it set out what it intended to do. The parallels between the two characters worked well and I like how neither were really depicted as being more correct than the other. It also felt true to their characters from Fates. On the negative side, some of the writing is a little hamfisted, notably the princes declaring loudly who they are and Saizo thinking about how much he's in trouble instead of just reacting to the trouble (I know his inner monologue is meant to be distracting him, but that's already accomplished from the moment he first fucks up). The ending narration comment also kind of ruined what was otherwise well built up subtly. I was already wondering how effective their compromise would be, I didn't need the story to tell me the results would be variable (on the other hand, the line about them being masters of hiding was brilliant). And as brief as all sections were, Kagero's being just that little bit briefer makes it feel more like an addendum rather than a part of the story. I know I usually caution for shorter stories, but in this case I think ramping up the escape actions a bit more to give the story some more meat to it would have helped the overall narrative.

Pedantic nitpick,  shuriken on a rope wouldn't work. A shuriken needs to spin, which would obviously be difficult with a rope attached to it. They also wouldn't be able to embed in something nearly hard enough for climbing to work. Something like a chain sickle would be a lot more appropriate.

 

 

[SoulWeaver]

1 hour ago, Jotari said:

  Hide contents

This story very heavily suffers from a lack of establishment. It took me until the end of the text to realize it was taking place from the perspective of Ishtar, I knew she was present, but I didn't know it was her who's thoughts were being disclosed as her name is kind of introduced along with the rest. It's also very murky and unclear as to who's talking a lot of the time and we have no indication of where this conversation is actually taking place. Ishtar's inner thoughts are also inconstant used, leaving much of the story as a simple dialogue scene ripped directly from Thracia 776 with some slight additions. I like the concept, and I do like how you handled Ishtar's incredibly mixed feeling, but overall the execution needs improvement.

 

Spoiler

Yeah, as mentioned before, this is not my forte for writing, so I was more using this as a bit of a practice run to see where I'm at right now and what needs work for next time. I also don't usually run dialogue without accompanying text indicating who was speaking, that was a test-run here as well. Probably should have gone with Arvis and Julius if I'm being honest, if only because there'd be more to go on. Oh well, live and learn! Thanks for the feedback!

 

[TheSilentChloey]

4 hours ago, Jotari said:

@TheSilentChloey 

  Hide contents

 

I don't really get fics like this. If the setting and character situations are so monumentally changed, why even make it a fanfic? Why not just make it a work. That's not exactly a criticism. It's just something I don't fundamentally get. On the subject of actual criticism, the nature of the world was a bit fuzzy. It's modern, but there's also an exalt and Chrom is some kind of salary man despite being a royal? Lucina still has her brand so there's magic too? And the Shepards function basically identical to their Awakening counter part, even though we don't really have anything of that nature in our own modern world (which makes Chrom's insistence about the necessity of the job seem kind of misconstrued. They'd probably all be better off if they became actual cops and firemen instead of some kind of third go to party).

On the plus side, I was invested in the story. It's a big subject to be handling and I was curious to see where you'd take it. Then it just sort of ended. I know you said it was only chapter 1, but I can't really judge it for this competition on what potential gains it might have down the line.

 

 

@SoulWeaver

  Reveal hidden contents

This story very heavily suffers from a lack of establishment. It took me until the end of the text to realize it was taking place from the perspective of Ishtar, I knew she was present, but I didn't know it was her who's thoughts were being disclosed as her name is kind of introduced along with the rest. It's also very murky and unclear as to who's talking a lot of the time and we have no indication of where this conversation is actually taking place. Ishtar's inner thoughts are also inconstant used, leaving much of the story as a simple dialogue scene ripped directly from Thracia 776 with some slight additions. I like the concept, and I do like how you handled Ishtar's incredibly mixed feeling, but overall the execution needs improvement.

 

@DarthR0xas

  Reveal hidden contents

 

I like this one. It was a little on the brief side, but it set out what it intended to do. The parallels between the two characters worked well and I like how neither were really depicted as being more correct than the other. It also felt true to their characters from Fates. On the negative side, some of the writing is a little hamfisted, notably the princes declaring loudly who they are and Saizo thinking about how much he's in trouble instead of just reacting to the trouble (I know his inner monologue is meant to be distracting him, but that's already accomplished from the moment he first fucks up). The ending narration comment also kind of ruined what was otherwise well built up subtly. I was already wondering how effective their compromise would be, I didn't need the story to tell me the results would be variable (on the other hand, the line about them being masters of hiding was brilliant). And as brief as all sections were, Kagero's being just that little bit briefer makes it feel more like an addendum rather than a part of the story. I know I usually caution for shorter stories, but in this case I think ramping up the escape actions a bit more to give the story some more meat to it would have helped the overall narrative.

Pedantic nitpick,  shuriken on a rope wouldn't work. A shuriken needs to spin, which would obviously be difficult with a rope attached to it. They also wouldn't be able to embed in something nearly hard enough for climbing to work. Something like a chain sickle would be a lot more appropriate.

 

 

Spoiler

Perhaps you should read a few.  It'll give you an idea of how they work.  That said it doesn't really matter.

Chrom is not royalty.  I go more indepth in later chapters (obviously).

 

The Exalt is more like a President, as in they do get elected by the Ylissean Council (who hold the real power and are sort of voted in by the people of Ylisse) and have defined terms of office.  Mostly if the Exalt is good at what they do, they are kept in office.  If they are not, a new one is chosen (ironically enough Emmeryn is one of the better exalts).

Magic sort of hasn't come up yet, so I don't think it's a major thing.

And I forgot to link said story...so here is said story:

Seasons

It is M because the next few chapters go into more details/darker territory.