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SF's "Write Your Butt Off" II - Return of Writer's Block


Rapier
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SF's Write Your Butt Off! II Votals  

11 members have voted

  1. 1. Which submission will you vote for?

    • "The Heart of Dedication"
      0
    • "The Strength Within"
      5
    • "Simply a Hunter"
      0
    • "One More Time"
      3
    • "Perfected"
      2
    • "No One Is Iredeemable"
      0
    • "Going Forward"
      1

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  • Poll closed on 03/09/2019 at 10:00 PM

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Aw man, I accidentally slept past the deadline. Ah well, I'm still going to post my submission. It's alright if it doesn't get added to the poll, I did miss the deadline by about five hours, so it's only fair, but if you guys could still give a little feedback that'd be greatly appreciated.

The Zero in Darkness

Word Count: 1264

Spoiler

DiZ sat in his computer chair, staring at the monitor as he uttered, “My sins are unforgivable, what I have done must be atoned for.”

DiZ had spent the last year trying to reconstruct the memories of Sora, with the help of a girl named Namine and a fellow in a black hood who went by the name Ansem. Ansem had served as the muscle in this operation, securing a boy named Roxas who possessed a crucial part of Sora’s memories due to his state of being. He also influenced some other lass, whose name, as well as basically everything about her, escapes DiZ’s memory. Namine herself was set to be discarded after all of this was over.

The hooded Ansem spoke up, interrupting DiZ’s thoughts. “Is that really what you’re thinking old man? Sora’s finally back up on his feet and that’s the first thing you go for? Celebrate your success a little, we can fix your mistakes later.”

“There is no we about this, my friend.” DiZ said as he adjusted the red bands that surrounded his head, covering all but one eye and his mouth, and even those were disguised with a layer of darkness. “These are my mistakes, for which only I should be held responsible. You should go out and help Sora, lord knows that boy needs every bit of aid he can get.”

“That’s nonsense DiZ, and you know it. Sora is the key to most of this, we needed him to be in his best shape, and the Castle Oblivion incident did not leave him in that position.” Taking off his black hood, Ansem looked right at where DiZ was, still facing his many monitors. The tanned man began to walk over to the chair, when DiZ stood up.

DiZ opened one of the three pouches around his waist and pulled out two things. A photo, and an ice cream stick. “Give these to Sora, he should be able to figure them out.” Ansem chuckled, “Giving him vague hints, are we? We both know Sora isn’t the brightest, are you sure he’ll figure them out?”. As DiZ walked out the room, he turned back and said, “I have no doubts that Sora should be able to deceiver what message I’m trying to give him from those two items.” With that, DiZ headed down a long hall, towards a large, white room.

DiZ stared at the open white pod, the one that had once housed Sora, and began to dwell on his past. It was around a decade ago when he made his first large mistake. Back then, he still used the name Ansem the Wise, and he was a professor to many students. One of them, a young albino named Xehanort, wanted to research the heart further than Ansem was willing to let him. His devout refusal led to the presumed deaths of around half a dozen of his students, as well as a few innocent bystanders. Of course, now Ansem knew that they had instead turned into Nobodies, beings without hearts. These men became a group known as Organization 13. Ansem had ran away into the realm of darkness, where he became a passive observer of these events of the years. He saw the boy Roxas, who had only came into existence a year ago, become another pawn of that Organization, as well as his growth as a person. He saw the girl Namine, who was also a Nobody, discover her advanced powers of memory manipulation, which specifically effected Sora for reasons beyond him. With both of them supposedly being heartless, Ansem had foolishly thought that this meant he could use them however he pleased.

The kidnapping of Roxas, and the subsequent placing of him within a digital version of Twilight Town caused the boy tremendous physical and mental strain, and in the end, he would die, or at least disappear so Sora could come back. Namine was a similar story. Members of the Organization forced her into using her unique ability to mentally destroy Sora for their own nefarious purposes, which is the situation that forced Ansem to finally step in. He donned the mask of DiZ, a mysterious man cloaked in red, since his name had been tarnished over the years by pretenders.

“Those poor children,” DiZ muttered aloud, “forced to be pawns in every game they were a part of.”

“Still going on about that old man? Give it a rest already.”

That hooded Ansem was back, why or for what purpose he used DiZ’s old name, the answers eluded him, but right now Ansem was all that DiZ really had for a friend.

“How can I give it a rest Ansem?” DiZ despondently asked, “Everything we’ve done, everything I have done, what good was it for if it came at the cost of innocent lives? What good was it if the lives of two, no, three children were sacrificed for the life of Sora?”

The Ansem in the black coat started laughing to himself. “Alright old man, I’ll let you in on some insider info. You’re fully aware that the second Sora learns what’s befallen Roxas, Namine, and whoever that third person you keep referencing is, he will put everything into getting them a proper body, correct? And that right now Sora just finished clearing out well over a thousand heartless over in Hollow Bastian? Forgive me if this seems a bit too forward, but every bit of good that Sora is out there doing is due to your meddling. If the saving of well over a dozen worlds, as well as the eventual defeat of the Organization doesn’t seem like enough good to you, then what else can we do?”

The name of Hollow Bastian reminded Ansem of that place, the time before he had fled as the world fell into darkness. The memories of joy, love, and learning. The times when life seemed perfect. It reminded him of Aqua, and how he had met her right before Roxas and Namine came into existence. It reminded him that moping about does nothing, and that only actions could fix what he had done.

“Fair points Ansem.” DiZ said, “Sora does seem to be fixing everything that went wrong, but how will he find out about Roxas? About Namine?” Ansem gave a bit of a smirk as he said, “He’s already in the process of doing so.” DiZ, confused, asked “What, how could he already know about them?” “Well, Roxas is his nobody, they’re intrinsically linked, so it’s only natural with the clues you’ve left him that he’d figure it out. As for Namine, it seems they left themselves a note mentioning her name, so they’re trying to figure out who she is as well.”

It all seemed a bit too perfect, but that’s the way life was at some points. “Alright Ansem,” DiZ said with a smile, “I’ll quit brooding and start helping with the situation. You head off to The World that Never Was, I have to go grab an old invention of mine.”

“It’s that time already?” Ansem asked, putting his hood back up.

“Sora should be arriving there soon enough, I assume he’ll need all the help he can get” DiZ said, walking off back down the hallway.

“I suppose you’re right.” Ansem said as he opened a portal to darkness and went off to help Sora.

Meanwhile, as DiZ looked around for his device, his heart finally had hope. He could fix his mistakes, he could atone for his sins. Then maybe, he could finally live in peace.

Author's Notes/A bit of explanation if you don't know Kingdom Hearts:

Spoiler

This is one of my favorite pieces of writing I've done, mainly since I feel like it could actually fit in the canon of the story. I probably went a little out of character for both Riku (the person referred to as Ansem in this story) and Ansem (DiZ). DiZ stands for Darkness in Zero, by the by. That's where the title comes from. Anyways, one self-imposed challenge with this piece is that both characters are technically named Ansem, so I had to refer to the real Ansem as DiZ for most of it. Calling hooded Ansem "Riku" wouldn't really make sense until later, so I couldn't do that. That's why it seems a little clumsier than I would like at certain points, since I had to cover any misinterpretations that might occur due to the name sharing. If you guys need any more clarification, just ask and I'll try to answer anything to the best of my ability, but I'm just going to submit this now so it doesn't turn into me being six hours past deadline.

 

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Well since I wanna get this out while it's still somewhat fresh in my head let's get some feedback rolling:

First up @Emperor_Siegfried's "The Heart Of Dedication"

Now the only mecha anime I've seen are Darling in the franxx and like 7 episodes of Gurren Lagann(More of a big three shounen kinda guy) so this is new territory. I do like how this story sort of played out. These characters seem to be in an intense situation and as such are working frantically for a solution. Everyone is on edge and things seem to be going from bad to worse. I love how everything is presented. it really does feel like a military crisis meeting. The dialogue is natural and flows very well. My main with this piece though is the central conflict. I mean it seems as though the conflict is supposed to revolve Wulfei but the opening scene didn't really give that impression. He just kind of lashes out at one point and then sits back down. The first scene and half of the second makes it seem that the central character we should be focusing on is Sally which judging by the end isn't the case. I feel you could've done more to showcase Wufei's inner struggle either through his words/actions or by making him the PoV character. This way the reader gets a better understanding of the struggles he's going through and so we can sort of sympathize with him. The second scene does a much better job of this(even without being in his POV in the first half of it) and I love the relationship Sally and Wufei have as the dialogue makes it feel like they're old friends helping each other out. I just feel the first scene could've done a better job of setting up the conflict of the second scene.

Next up @Anacybele's "The Strength Within"

I really enjoyed this. Probably my favorite piece of yours I've read in this little competition and it seems you've taken a lot of the criticism you've been given to heart. The story starts really strong by immediately thrusting us into the main character's central internal conflict which helps perpetuate the story forward. We really do get a sense on how exactly Morgan feels about his short comings. He's insecure, quick to anger, and generally acting immature. You did a really good job of selling that angle of his character. The dialogue is natural for the most part and everything falls into place nicely. The interactions Morgan has with his family are very heart warming and I genuinely felt happy to see it all resolve in the end. A few issues I did have though is the more "explicit" style of dialogue. For example lines like, "I do wish that people would stop treating you that way as well." could've been reworked to be a little more implicit instead of outwright just stating it. Like maybe instead he could say "I probably would've felt the same if in a similar situation" or something along those lines. I dunno if I explained that well but you know. One other Issue I did was the constantly shifting POV. Shifting POV mid-scene is generally a very hard thing to do without it being jarring(which is why I tend to avoid it if at all possible) and that is definitely the case here. I feel like scene breaks could've been used more to help alliterative a lot of the confusion. Also try and stick to one POV within a single scene. Overall though I did really enjoy this. Great Job

Anyway that's all for now because I still need to read a couple more stories.

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@Emperor_Siegfried Really can't find anything to nitpick here. The writing is good. The pacing is good. Your opening exposition threads-the-needle of being just enough to establish where we're at in the setting and whats going on, without dragging on into excessive clutter. The dialogue is smooth. The utilization of Chloey's prompt is smooth. Everything is nice and spaced out and easy on the eyes. I like how it ends on a resolute note after going through the whole theme of self-doubt and comfort.  Really don't know anything about the gundum universe or how true you're being to the setting, so I can't offer any meaningful critiques there. 

@Anacybele Gotta agree--this is the best thing I've seen you write by a long-shot. Really Impressed with this one. I think you really took the critiques from the previous rounds to heart and cut the deadweight here; this is streamlined, character-focused writing unencumbered by overly descriptive narration.

And its damn good. 

This is one where I can offer commentary on how you portray your characters and how faithful you are to the setting, of course being familiar with Awakening and its cast of characters.

And I'm particularly impressed with you handled the character of Frederick.

It was a great touch how when Frederick was first informed of what happened with Morgan, he didn't really react. His first instinct was to stay by Chrom's side + deal with it later; Chrom had to be the one to tell him your Family is more important than your Duty atm; go deal with this right now. Then-and-only-then, Frederick reacts. 

Little details like that show such a nuanced immersion into Frederick's head-space, and thoughtfulness as to how he would approach these kinds of situations if acting in-character.   

I also like how you portray him as not exactly the most warm-and-cuddly of fathers, but still manage to convey genuine affection and show that he has a good relationship with his child.

Again...such a great use of Frederick as a character...

Morgan I generally don't find that interesting as a character (in general. not it this story. hes good in this story). He's utilitized fine here. Hes just--Morgan. I personally find what you did with the Frederick/Morgan parent-child relationship more interesting than anything going on with Morgan himself and his little tournament problem, but thats probably just my personal indifference to the character talking and not really anything you did wrong.

Great job!
________________

Still reading. More reviews coming. 


   

Edited by Shoblongoo
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@Emperor_Siegfried

Spoiler

Nothing wrong with the story here. For the most part you managed to convey a good sense of image for the series, despite me never having seen it, although the last few lines seem like they depend on context not everyone will have. The dialogue tags were a little off, I think. It seemed like unnecessary information kept on being added just to confirm who was speaking when it would have been obvious and flowed better had they been taken out.

 

@Anacybele

Spoiler

I like the set up and situation here. It feels like a very real scenario with stakes, even though ultimately it's a small issue. I think you did a great job of conveying Morgan's feelings in the first half, but then we swap pov to his mother, and then pretty quickly swap away from her to Fredrick and end sort of back on Morgan. It kind of makes the through line feel a bit muddled. I'd advise either breaking the story into clear distinct sections for different povs, eliminated every pov that isn't Morgan, or if it must be done, use a more disconnected, overview, narration style to better swap between them.

 

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Okay...I read the next two...
 

On 2/17/2019 at 7:10 PM, Anacybele said:

I kind of regret doing Awakening now. If I'd known at least two other people were going to use that game, I'd have done a different idea. Now it's being overdone. >_<


The decision to go Awakening paid off huge for you this round. Paid of huge for you this round.  Three different people using the same setting just means that if one piece stands stands in comparison to the other two, that peace is REALLY gonna stand out.

And you (to me at least) definitely had the stand-out piece of the Awakening submissions.


@Tactician Robin

Where I think Ana had you beat was on utilization of the prompt. Chloey's theme is worked deeply into her narrative. Whereas it felt like you just sorta shoehorned her quote it into a general dialogue with future Robin's kid trying to have a nondescript conversation that doesn't reveal too much about the future.

@Ottservia

Where I think Ana had you beat was on the portrayal of the parent-child relationship.  

You both went in similar directions with taking one of the gen 2 units from awakening in distress and having their father try to comfort them.

But Ana really worked Frederick's personality into the narrative and made the dialogue between Morgan and his father feel organic to the selection of a Frederick/(F)Tactician family dynamic. Which added an extra layer to it.

You--sorta gave us generic dad dialogue.  IDK. It feels like it would have been stronger if you had taken a specific character to use as "The Father." And thought about that character's specific traits and quirks would fit into a dialogue where Severa is freaking out because her inferiority complex is flaring up + daddy has to play the role of comforter-in-chief. And if that had been worked into the scene. (the way Ana forewent generic dad dialogue to really make a scene custom-fitted to Daddy Frederick) 

You did do a fine job portraying Severa, so props for that. 

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1 hour ago, Shoblongoo said:

You--sorta gave us generic dad dialogue.  IDK. It feels like it would have been stronger if you had taken a specific character to use as "The Father." And thought about that character's specific traits and quirks would fit into a dialogue where Severa is freaking out because her inferiority complex is flaring up + daddy has to play the role of comforter-in-chief. And if that had been worked into the scene. (the way Ana forewent generic dad dialogue to really make a scene custom-fitted to Daddy Frederick) 

I had feeling something was missing from my piece just couldn't really figure out what it was or how to fix it. Really the dialogue is taken straight from the A-support cause uhhhh I kind of got lazy there which is probably why it feels so generic. I was actually really on the fence when it came to whether or not to make the dad ambiguous or not. I dunno it seems my indecisiveness really did get the better of me this time(though it is somewhat hinted that it's robin what with the white hair which is another reason why it seemed generic)

Edit: actually this gives me a bit of an idea.

Edited by Ottservia
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1 hour ago, Ottservia said:

I had feeling something was missing from my piece just couldn't really figure out what it was or how to fix it. Really the dialogue is taken straight from the A-support cause uhhhh I kind of got lazy there which is probably why it feels so generic. I was actually really on the fence when it came to whether or not to make the dad ambiguous or not. I dunno it seems my indecisiveness really did get the better of me this time(though it is somewhat hinted that it's robin what with the white hair which is another reason why it seemed generic)

Edit: actually this gives me a bit of an idea.

I actually initially thought it was Henry because white hair until I realized I hadn’t seen a single ‘nya-ha!’

As a fellow Severa fan, not bad, not bad. I’m on mobile so I have questionable screen stuff at best, I’ll try to actually go into detail with people when I’m back on a real comp.

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41 minutes ago, SoulWeaver said:

I actually initially thought it was Henry because white hair until I realized I hadn’t seen a single ‘nya-ha!’

As a fellow Severa fan, not bad, not bad. I’m on mobile so I have questionable screen stuff at best, I’ll try to actually go into detail with people when I’m back on a real comp.

Yeah if it was Henry I definitely would’ve made that crystal clear but I wrote the piece with Robin in mind which kind of makes the characterization of him within the story kind of I don’t wanna say difficult but I think you get what I mean. Robin is, as he has said himself, a bit plain. Extremely charming but plain. Also thx yours was pretty good too. Will give full details when I can

Edited by Ottservia
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Hey guys! Ana has gotten into a pickle where she can't post until the 7th, but she has read and appreciates the feedback, she wants me to tell you.

Also @Rapier, voting poll?

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1 minute ago, Dragoncat said:

Hey guys! Ana has gotten into a pickle where she can't post until the 7th, but she has read and appreciates the feedback, she wants me to tell you.

oh I'm sorry to hear that I hope she's alright

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56 minutes ago, Dragoncat said:

Hey guys! Ana has gotten into a pickle where she can't post until the 7th, but she has read and appreciates the feedback, she wants me to tell you.

Oh, did she make the mistake of posting on a thread eclipse was watching again, or did she try to actually give an opinion different from the norm on the Serious Discussion subforum?

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32 minutes ago, SoulWeaver said:

Oh, did she make the mistake of posting on a thread eclipse was watching again, or did she try to actually give an opinion different from the norm on the Serious Discussion subforum?

PMing you.

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Cool, feedback.

@Ottservia: You're probably right, maybe confirming Wufei as the main character earlier would have benefited a bit.  I have to admit, I sort of rushed this a little since I wanted to semi-troll the earlier expectations that there wouldn't be anything to read for a while.

@Shoblongoo: Great to hear that the story served its intended function.  Trying to make the story accessible for people unfamiliar with the universe was the biggest challenge but it sounds like it was done right.

@Jotari: Good thing to note.  I seem to have a tendency to add more than necessary at times.

Edited by Emperor_Siegfried
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9 hours ago, SoulWeaver said:

Oh, did she make the mistake of posting on a thread eclipse was watching again, or did she try to actually give an opinion different from the norm on the Serious Discussion subforum?

As a rule of thumb, if you're getting too engaged in a discussion or thread, it's better to take a break. Bad things tend to happen when we continue, and the Slender people with the scary ban hammers come to whack your head before you even notice.

10 hours ago, Dragoncat said:

Also @Rapier, voting poll?

Spoiler

tenor.gif

I mean, done.

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12 minutes ago, Dragoncat said:

Sorry to nitpick, but didn't we all agree on multiple choice?

Well, we didn't really decide on that. I only saw suggestions about how we'd do a new round with multiple votes, but it wasn't decided.

I can switch to multiple votes if everyone wants, though.

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@Tactician Robin

Spoiler

 

I don't have a whole lot to say for this one. Nice, simple, self contained piece. I probably would have preferred if you used a preexisting character rather than an OC, but that's just my general opinion on how fanfiction should be treated. Overall nice story, works well. Though it's not that heavily tied to the theme.


 

 

@Ottservia

Spoiler

Good idea behind this one...but I'm a little incredulous. Is it really so incredibly easy to break a sword like that? These things are built for battle. If she's breaking them with just a single sharpening then I'd be more inclined to think they actually are defective. The turn around at the end was also rather sudden.

 

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55 minutes ago, Jotari said:

Good idea behind this one...but I'm a little incredulous. Is it really so incredibly easy to break a sword like that? These things are built for battle. If she's breaking them with just a single sharpening then I'd be more inclined to think they actually are defective. The turn around at the end was also rather sudden.

All questions that went through my head as I was writing which I tried to allieviate I assure you but the results were a a bit mixed. I just didn’t really know where to insert these things without interrupting the flow of the story which seems to be a common problem I seem to have here. There are ideas that I want to implement but I cannot find a way to put them into the story without interrupting it’s flow and making jarring 

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20 hours ago, Shoblongoo said:

Where I think Ana had you beat was on utilization of the prompt. Chloey's theme is worked deeply into her narrative. Whereas it felt like you just sorta shoehorned her quote it into a general dialogue with future Robin's kid trying to have a nondescript conversation that doesn't reveal too much about the future.

 

1 hour ago, Jotari said:

I don't have a whole lot to say for this one. Nice, simple, self contained piece. I probably would have preferred if you used a preexisting character rather than an OC, but that's just my general opinion on how fanfiction should be treated. Overall nice story, works well. Though it's not that heavily tied to the theme.


Thank you for the feedback! I'm very used to writing completely original pieces but I wanted to try something very simple here first for my first ever entry. I appreciate this and will use this to continue my growth in writing in the future!


As for everyone else, I haven't hard time to read everyone's story yet. As a busy university student, I hope you all understand and I'll try to read a few each day.

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ok so here's some more feedback.

@Tactician Robin's "Simply A Hunter"

Not much that needs to be said that has already been said already by Jotari and Shoblongoo. I enjoyed what I read and overall thought it was good but I kind of felt like the conflict to be a bit weak and felt the prompt was a little shoehorned in there. I mean I honestly couldn't really tell what the central conflict was or rather I couldn't figure out how it related to the theme. I mean it didn't seem like Hunter was going through a rough time. I mean there was conflict it's just not as emphasized as it should've and you could've done a better job showing those conflicts effected hunter on a deep personal level. I dunno if I'm explaining this well but yeah.

@Shoblongoo's "Perfected

Not much really needs to be said here other than it's good. It's well written and twists chloey's prompt in a very interesting direction. Again not much criticism to levy here.

Edited by Ottservia
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2 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

ok so here's some more feedback.

@Tactician Robin's "Simply A Hunter"

Not much that needs to be said that has already been said already by Jotari and Shoblongoo. I enjoyed what I read and overall thought it was good but I kind of felt like the conflict to be a bit weak and felt the prompt was a little shoehorned in there. I mean I honestly couldn't really tell what the central conflict was or rather I couldn't figure out how it related to the theme. I mean it didn't seem like Hunter was going through a rough time. I mean there was conflict it's just not as emphasized as it should've and you could've how those conflicts effected hunter on a deep personal level. I dunno if I'm explaining this well but yeah.

@Shoblongoo's "Perfected

Not much really needs to be said here other than it's good. It's well written and twists chloey's prompt in a very interesting direction. Again not much criticism to levy here.

Aye, I was going for more of an internal conflict than an external one but probably didn't convey my message across clearly enough. I apologize for that one and will do my best to improve for the next writing. Feedback is greatly appreciated! ^_^

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2 minutes ago, Tactician Robin said:

Aye, I was going for more of an internal conflict than an external one but probably didn't convey my message across clearly enough. I apologize for that one and will do my best to improve for the next writing. Feedback is greatly appreciated! ^_^

I mean it's not like the conflict was necessarily absent and an internal conflict is perfect for this kind of prompt(I mean my entire story is one giant internal turmoil) it's just that I feel it did not have enough "weight" so to speak. Like the internal struggle didn't really manifest itself in a meaningful way. I understood how he felt but I didn't really understand how he felt if that makes sense. 

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1 minute ago, Ottservia said:

I mean it's not like the conflict was necessarily absent and an internal conflict is perfect for this kind of prompt(I mean my entire story is one giant internal turmoil) it's just that I feel it did not have enough "weight" so to speak. Like the internal struggle didn't really manifest itself in a meaningful way. I understood how he felt but I didn't really understand how he felt if that makes sense. 

Alright, I see what you are trying to say. I do appreciate the feedback as I'm always trying to improve. Next time I'll make the character's motivations and feelings a bit more crystal clear and cut down the room for reader interpretation.

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