SF's "Write Your Butt Off" II - Return of Writer's Block

[Dragoncat]

4 minutes ago, Rapier said:

Sorry for the wait! I updated the first post with the countdown for our voting phase and included everyone's prompts into it. I also took the liberty of giving everyone an entire week to vote, rather than 5 days, due to the amount of prompts we have.

Oh I am Slain is not an official entry. It was stated in there that it was just for fun.

But I agree on the week long voting period.

[Rapier]

Oh I was mistaken.

[Anacybele]

I can't really say much bad about any of these entries. It was a lot more difficult to pick which one to vote for this time.

@TheSilentChloey This one was okay. I'm hardly a Grima fan and I don't like Awakening as a whole either, so it didn't get any points from me there, but besides that, it's pretty solid. I do think the way Grima was written here is rather natural if he really were to be redeemed.

@Dragoncat Interesting taking a very obviously evil guy like Mumkhar and giving him some sort of a good side. It shows that no matter how awful one's deeds might've been, there was always a reason behind it and deep down, there could've been, at least at one time, some good in that person. That's what I liked about this! Though as usual, I think it suffers a little bit from not enough description. But I know you're trying because you already know you have to improve on that.

@Otts486 This is actually very beautifully written! Taking the prompt to its darkest possible route, I'd say. Unfortunately...that's the one little issue I have with it. I'm just not into stuff that's so dark and...gritty or creepy I guess. It's amazing for someone who does like that kind of theme though, believe me.

@Rafiel's Aria This is nice, but I can't figure out what the immoral deed is supposed to be here and who committed it. But that might just be my lack of skill in interpreting literature speaking. I never did do well in that part of my English/Language Arts classes in school.

@Shoblongoo I'm no Elibe fan, but I am fine with Eliwood and Marcus. This is nice, though I was also rather confused sometimes at which period in time a particular scene was taking place since you seemed to go back and forth between FE7 Marcus and a much younger Marcus. Still, again, that may be my lack of literature interpretation skills... Otherwise, good job!

@DarthR0xas I'm sorry, but I couldn't really read this. It's too wall-of-texty. You have to make a new paragraph every time a character speaks and you didn't do that here, for instance. And the paragraphs that are here are really really long.

@AnonymousSpeed This one I enjoyed quite a bit, though I can't really pinpoint why. Maybe it's because it's about an issue I have my own views on. I also kinda relate to Cromwell, as I find it repulsive to have a romantic relationship with someone who was basically your sibling as well, even if said sibling is actually not blood-related. The clever implication of his heritage at the end is great too! My only issue is that you forgot to hit enter after some of the lines of dialogue. Otherwise, very nicely done!

 

Edited October 25, 2018 by Anacybele

[DarthR0xas]

3 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

I'm sorry, but I couldn't really read this. It's too wall-of-texty. You have to make a new paragraph every time a character speaks and you didn't do that here, for instance. And the paragraphs that are here are really really long.

Ah, sorry. I didn't really understand the proper format for this. I presume it's too late to fix a formatting error like that. Meh, live and learn, I doubt I'd win this regardless.

[Dragoncat]

13 minutes ago, DarthR0xas said:

Ah, sorry. I didn't really understand the proper format for this. I presume it's too late to fix a formatting error like that. Meh, live and learn, I doubt I'd win this regardless.

I think you can fix formatting errors, but not the actual content, so...I suggest you do.

Still reading.

[Ottservia]

I guess if others are gonna give feedback I might as well also.

I guess I'll start with @TheSilentChloey"Redemption of Grima"

It's short sweet and to the point and pretty good overall. Chloey does a decent job of making you feel for the giant helbringer of destruction and death by subtle yet effective use of flashback and different word choice. I really liked the tender moment grima had with Morgan as it did a good job of humanizing him. Some criticism I'd like to give is that maybe it was a little too short. I would've liked to get a little more insight into how Grima sort of changed into this cause personally(this probably just my own bias talking) I interpret Grima as a force of nature villain rather than a narrative villain so to see him suddenly be given an actual character is a bit jarring. Maybe add in a paragraph/scene or two detailing Grima struggling to balance his new found humanity with his lust for destruction. It would be a good way to make the tender moment at the end have a lot more impact.

Next up is @Anacybele's "The Daein Vagabond"

Interesting concept a little flat in the execution. To start with the positives, you do a really good job of giving your narrator a "voice" with clever sentence structure and word choice. Your dialogue seems to flow really well as it feels natural and organic. You do really get the sense that the Jerec and Raphael know each other well. My main issue with it, however, is the over abundance of exposition. It feels like a little too much telling not a whole of showing and it can drag a bit. I feel using a flashback or two instead would help keep things engaging by throwing a bit of action here or there. 

Also I would like to thank you for your kind words and yeah I totally get it. Some people just have different tastes is all. Though was it really that dark? *shrugs* maybe I've lost too much of my soul to the internet to notice. But hey at least it had somewhat of a happy ending right? Truth be told I generally dislike griddy stories as well or at least when they get too griddy or try too hard to be edgy. It is a tad ironic though. 

Anywho that's enough for now I'll be back with more feedback in the coming days.

[Anacybele]

4 minutes ago, Otts486 said:

Interesting concept a little flat in the execution. To start with the positives, you do a really good job of giving your narrator a "voice" with clever sentence structure and word choice. Your dialogue seems to flow really well as it feels natural and organic. You do really get the sense that the Jerec and Raphael know each other well. My main issue with it, however, is the over abundance of exposition. It feels like a little too much telling not a whole of showing and it can drag a bit. I feel using a flashback or two instead would help keep things engaging by throwing a bit of action here or there. 

Yeah, I figured it was a bit flat. The flashback idea might've helped, though it also would've probably made the story as long as my first one and I had complaints that that one was too long, so... I'm not sure I'd have been able to pull that off, even if I do like what you're saying.

Though another point I should mention is that it actually isn't just about Jerec's immoral acts from his past. It also mentions that the town he now lives in as well as Raphael committed deeds that could be called immoral and they now regret. Jerec is just the main course. So there's that, at least. :P

4 minutes ago, Otts486 said:

Also I would like to thank you for your kind words and yeah I totally get it. Some people just have different tastes is all. Though was it really that dark? *shrugs* maybe I've lost too much of my soul to the internet to notice. But hey at least it had somewhat of a happy ending right? Truth be told I generally dislike griddy stories as well or at least when they get too griddy or try too hard to be edgy. It is a tad ironic though. 

Well, you described an execution to the point of mentioning that the head fell in the basket. And that a princess terrorized her nation. I'd say that's dark. xP But I see.

Edited October 25, 2018 by Anacybele

[DarthR0xas]

Alright, I tried to break it down the best I could. I would've added in more proper paragraphical breaks, and made it a tad more pleasing to the eye, but that most likely would've resulted in the content changing and I didn't want to chance it.

[Dragoncat]

The ones I read:

@TheSilentChloey This seriously made me dawww. I'm intrigued at the part about "no having children in Zenith", it makes sense I guess for the summoned heroes, but perhaps something should've been added that the natives are allowed to. I mean clearly the natives do have kids. Otts' idea about Grima trying to ease into his newfound humanity would have been a good one too.

@Otts486 I felt some emotion for this princess and got that she used her beloved retainer as a martyr. You succeeded there. The message in a bottle thing, were you trying to imply that Len was reunited with a dead loved one, or that he would be reincarnated someday?

@Anacybele This will probably be stuff I already PMed you, but anyway. The story was a bit draggy without much going on, but it was solid and the thought of Boyd as a groomsman amuses me. 

[Anacybele]

9 minutes ago, Dragoncat said:

 This will probably be stuff I already PMed you, but anyway. The story was a bit draggy without much going on, but it was solid and the thought of Boyd as a groomsman amuses me. 

Yeah, given what you're saying here and what Otts846 said, it seems I just have trouble condensing a good idea and good execution in a reasonable number of words. People said my first entry was far too long, but still very good (at least towards the end), but that my second entry just doesn't have much tasty meat to it despite being shorter and having a good concept.

I do think Jerec is one of my best written characters though. Maybe somewhat of a male version of Jill, but he still has his own unique charms. The love for rabbits, for instance. lol And one big difference between him and Jill is that the latter never left Daein. Jerec did.

[Ottservia]

32 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

Well, you described an execution to the point of mentioning that the head fell in the basket. And that a princess terrorized her nation. I'd say that's dark. xP But I see.

Yeah I suppose. actually something I wish I could've added to the the execution was the description of the whistling blade as it rapidly descended but oh well. Another thing there was going to be a flashback regarding Riliane's treatment of her people. It was a flashback where her highest ranking guard(who in fact is the red mercenary's father) begs her to help the people who are starving from poverty and famine but she refuses saying she views the people as nothing more than worms meant to serve her so naturally the guard insults her and when he does so she orders Len to kill him. The reason I cut the scene out was because:

1. I felt it would've made the story too long

2. It made Riliane a little too irredeemable.

20 minutes ago, Dragoncat said:

 I felt some emotion for this princess and got that she used her beloved retainer as a martyr. You succeeded there. The message in a bottle thing, were you trying to imply that Len was reunited with a dead loved one, or that he would be reincarnated someday?

Well the message in the bottle was in the original song so it was a matter of adaptation but I did my best with it. The first scene at the beach served three purposes one being a lot more subtle than the other two.

1. to establish "wishing bottles" as a concept so that I could use them later at the end.

2. The message Riliane read in that scene is actually Len's bottle from a long time ago as the two are blood related twins that were separated at birth as according to the song. The message was supposed to subtly hint at that connection so when it turned up at the end it wasn't so much of a surprise.

3. to further establish and solidify the two's relationship.

What I was trying to imply with the message in the bottle at the end and in that final flashback where they switch places was that when they both die they will be reincarnated as twins in their next life and be able to live happily together.

Edited October 25, 2018 by Otts486

[Anacybele]

10 minutes ago, Otts486 said:

Yeah I suppose. actually something I wish I could've added to the the execution was the description of the whistling blade as it rapidly descended but oh well. Another thing there was going to be a flashback regarding Riliane's treatment of her people. It was a flashback where her highest ranking guard(who in fact is the red mercenary's father) begs her to help the people who are starving from poverty and famine but she refuses saying she views the people as nothing more than worms meant to serve her so naturally the guard insults her and when he does so she orders Len to kill him. The reason I cut the scene out was because:

1. I felt it would've made the story too long

2. It made Riliane a little too irredeemable.

I see. Yeah, that might've made her a little too irredeemable. But you still did well!

[Jotari]

Well, I'm feeling pretty good about my prompt. This is probably going to take like my entire day off to get through though!

[TheSilentChloey]

The updated with suggestions Grima's Redemption, not the offical entry of course...

[Dragoncat]

11 hours ago, TheSilentChloey said:

The updated with suggestions Grima's Redemption, not the offical entry of course...

Yeah, that's better.

@Rafiel's Aria I'm with Ana here in which I can't find the immoral deed. I'm also a bit confused that some characters have names for the opposite gender. Lou could be Louise, but my first thought was the male Louis. And Camille is a female name I'm pretty sure. I can relate to Cam in a way. A lot of my classmates are married and having kids or getting there and I'm just sitting here with a cat wishing I had a man to cuddle with at night. But I'm antisocial and don't put myself out there enough and probably not entirely ready anyway.

Edited October 25, 2018 by Dragoncat

[Shoblongoo]

@AnonymousSpeed --very clever. I like that you actually used the prompt for the round as an invitation to tackle one of the third rails of the fandom and did it in a respectful, intelligent way. I kinda wish that once you decided to go there, you fully committed to going there and used the actual Awakening characters + their reactions to the--lets call it alleged act of immorality--rather than OC analogues in a distant future setting. I don't think the contemporary setting was necessary, I don't think it added anything (for this particular prompt at any rate), and I think working with the original cast would have let you jump straight into the meat-and-substance of the core events and dialogues and reactions + get more mileage out of them, without having to jump through quite as many expositional hoops. 

And Again--titles. Better than your last one, but still kinda clunky.

Definitely my favorite of the bunch though and my vote FTW.  

Well played. 

Edited October 25, 2018 by Shoblongoo

[Ottservia]

okay so back again with more feedback

first up @Dragoncat's "Declawed:

All around pretty good. as ana said I like how you build metalface as this horrible person but then when the guy actually shows up later he's not really all that bad and you grow an understanding for him. Your dialogue flows naturally and feels organic. Characterization is also very well handled as you get a good grasp on who they are based on their dialogue. As for things you need to improve on, there is a lot of fluff as it were. The banter between the two Entia while entertaining could've been cut down a tad. That scene also kind of confused me as to if you were doing a third person limited or omniscient POV. It seems you were going for omniscient but it's kind of hard to tell with the way character thoughts are presented. The other thing I noticed to be a little lacking is pretty much the same as what ana said as in lacking in description. Something I kind of struggle with as well. If it helps, I usually ask myself stuff like "what are the character's exact thoughts/feelings in this moment? and how can I convey that through their thoughts and/or actions/body language?"  Like if a character is anxious their thoughts are gonna be frantic, disjointed, and generally all over the place. To convey this I usually use broken fragmented sentences when transcribing their thoughts. As far as body language goes, try to describe their sweaty palms or forehead. Even small minor descriptors like them breaking eye contact for a moment can go a long way.

Next up is @Rafiel's Aria's "Orchids For Arrow"

I liked this one as it was subtle and was generally well put together. You could really get a feel for who each character was based on their actions, descriptors and kind of dialogue. Setting was another thing that was described pretty well. Not too much description but enough to get a sense of space and imagery.  I think the problem is that its a little too subtle and has a little too much faith in the reader. One example of this is the conversation between Cam and Kurt. You used the word 'He' far too much and honestly at one point during the conversation I was completely confused on who was saying what. Some more descriptors would've helped alleviate this and keep the reader from getting confused. Also as others have said it was kind of hard to really pinpoint what the immoral act was and some of dialogue was kind of confusing in trying to figure out what happened between these characters. Though overall I liked it.

Well I'll be back with more feedback soon 

[Dragoncat]

25 minutes ago, Otts486 said:

All around pretty good. as ana said I like how you build metalface as this horrible person but then when the guy actually shows up later he's not really all that bad and you grow an understanding for him. Your dialogue flows naturally and feels organic. Characterization is also very well handled as you get a good grasp on who they are based on their dialogue. As for things you need to improve on, there is a lot of fluff as it were. The banter between the two Entia while entertaining could've been cut down a tad. That scene also kind of confused me as to if you were doing a third person limited or omniscient POV. It seems you were going for omniscient but it's kind of hard to tell with the way character thoughts are presented. The other thing I noticed to be a little lacking is pretty much the same as what ana said as in lacking in description. Something I kind of struggle with as well. If it helps, I usually ask myself stuff like "what are the character's exact thoughts/feelings in this moment? and how can I convey that through their thoughts and/or actions/body language?"  Like if a character is anxious their thoughts are gonna be frantic, disjointed, and generally all over the place. To convey this I usually use broken fragmented sentences when transcribing their thoughts. As far as body language goes, try to describe their sweaty palms or forehead. Even small minor descriptors like them breaking eye contact for a moment can go a long way.

Metal Face/Mumkhar having a bad childhood is entirely headcanon, may I add. I figured it made sense for him.

I normally do third person PoV, from what I understand omniscent is you can see the inner thoughts of every character? Not an expert on that so I'll say limited is what I do.

I am aware dialogue is my strong point and description is my weak point. I did do some body language though. And YES the entia banter xD I still crack up at the hokey pokey joke and the description of the filthy sense of humor.

[Ottservia]

28 minutes ago, Dragoncat said:

I normally do third person PoV, from what I understand omniscent is you can see the inner thoughts of every character? Not an expert on that so I'll say limited is what I do.

well yes and no. Omniscient POV is essentially kind of like filming a movie in a sense. The narrator knows everything including every character's thoughts however the narrator is never truly in their perspective like with limited or first person. The narrator knows things the characters do not and can see things they can't see. Really it's best to think of the narrator as their own character who is just not in the story and is constantly relaying the information to the reader. Unlike in third person limited or first person you can't really get into the characters' head as it were and relaying a character's thoughts is more akin to relaying dialogue than the intimate description used in limited or first person. I don't know if I explained that well as I'm still trying to figure it out myself but that's how I interpret it at least. 

Anyway what confused me about that scene in particular was how it started as it didn't start with Farren who I assume is the PoV character(unless of course you were going for multiple third person limited which would be a little less confusing but could've been conveyed better) but rather the entia and their little banter which is a conversation (at least I assume this is the case) Farren wasn't there for and therefore would not have heard which by extension the reader would not have heard it either cause we're viewing this story from his perspective. Now if you were using an omniscient narrator this wouldn't have been an issue but that doesn't seem to be the case. Anyway sorry if I came off as a little blunt near the end there.

Edited October 25, 2018 by Otts486

[Dragoncat]

1 hour ago, Otts486 said:

Anyway what confused me about that scene in particular was how it started as it didn't start with Farren who I assume is the PoV character(unless of course you were going for multiple third person limited which would be a little less confusing but could've been conveyed better) but rather the entia and their little banter which is a conversation (at least I assume this is the case) Farren wasn't there for and therefore would not have heard which by extension the reader would not have heard it either cause we're viewing this story from his perspective. Now if you were using an omniscient narrator this wouldn't have been an issue but that doesn't seem to be the case. Anyway sorry if I came off as a little blunt near the end there.

Okay I see what you mean now. I guess multiple third person limited is what I use then. But I think changing the PoV character once in awhile is acceptable.

No problem, I didn't see any bluntness.

Edited October 25, 2018 by Dragoncat

[Rafiel's Aria]

Haven't had a ton of time to read stuff because I've had to take a lot of my work home with me. RIP. On top of trying out a new sleeping schedule to get as much daylight out of my day as I possibly can. Darn you winter forcing me to become a morning person. Because I feel bad responding to my tags without having read a story, I'll do one review now and try to hammer out more later. Got one more day of work and then a short break, so hopefully I should have more than enough time to read this weekend.

So first up is @TheSilentChloey. I'll stick stuff in spoilers, and if you wanna chat over PM instead of in the topic, feel free to message me!

Spoiler

I like the concept a lot. Villains with a tender side is a trope I like very much because in the books I tend to read, villains tend to stay...well...villains. It's nice for them to have a soft spot or a weakness, and if that weakness is kids or love, it just kind of seems a little more compelling since that's a weakness heroes tend to have that villains manipulate. Now the tides can be turned. As a piece, it's short and sweet and easy to understand. You don't necessarily go into a lot of depth about all the stuff Grima's done, but for anyone that's played Awakening/Heroes and knows Grima, it would seem a bit like fluff to talk about all the death and destruction. Without that knowledge, the piece probably wouldn't have as much impact, but it's a fanfic, so if someone's reading a fanfic for a fandom they know nothing about, they might be lost regardless. lol 

In terms of grammar, in the beginning you kind of switch between past and present tense a few times, and it makes it seem a bit odd to read. It might be best to stick entirely with one or the other, or if you want to convey his thoughts in the current moment, turn the present parts into dialogue or thoughts. If you ever decided that you wanted to expand on this, it'd be interesting to see more direct interactions between Grima, the Summoner, and other heroes. I found myself curious to know who was leading the charge against this "unholy union." Other than that, I found the scene with Grima and his daughter very cute. Like I said, I'm a sucker for this sort of thing. 

 @Anacybele @Dragoncat @Otts486 - Since you all kind of had a comment about not being able to pinpoint the immoral deed, I'll address that first since that's definitely my bad, and I certainly failed in that aspect for sure if no one can catch it. XD I tend to be overcomplicated, so I'll write a little explanation, and if you have any other suggestions on how I might make it clearer, feel free to let me know.

Spoiler

I wanted Cam to be ambiguously immoral. The town thinks he's a bad dude. The knight, Billy, mentions that he could put him in jail "again," so he's done some time for something that I want to keep kind of a mystery, so in that sense, I don't go into depth. But Billy roughs singles him out, thinking he might be high. The townspeople avoid him or watch him carefully. Cam admits to having done things like stealing Arrow's first kiss or breaking some dude's nose at the bar. So for him, it's not neccessarily one big immoral thing, but living it immorality. Kurt, on the other hand, is generally a good dude who was drafted for war and has some major survivor's guilt. Because he came home and his friend, someone the town liked quite a bit, did not, he thinks he did something terrible by leaving him to die/not dying with him. 

So in the end, it would really be up to the reader to decide what's immoral. Like it could be the judgmental town, Kurt for his cowardice, Cam for his poor choices, etc... 

For @Dragoncat - Recently, I've liked messing around with more androgynous names. I found out that in France, Camille could be a French name. I thought giving my "rough" character a more feminine name would have been a good source for some of his childhood rage. And he chose a slightly more masculine nickname for everyday life. People usually only call him Camille to get under his skin. Lou is short for Alouette; I didn't include her full name because I didn't think it was worth mentioning. She has three brothers, so she got stuck with a masculine nickname. I have a lot of characters with names that kind of break gendernorms. In real life, I've met girls named Tyler, Elliot, and Robbi. I think it's kinda fun. :3

For @Otts486 - I'll have to be more careful with how subtle my writing is in the future and make sure I clean up my dialogue a little bit. 

~Thanks for the feedback, guys. Next time I post, hopefully I'll be able to write up a few more reviews.

[Dragoncat]

@Rafiel's Aria You explained the immorality well and I guess that's a neat writing quirk with the names. But I can't stop thinking of that Johnny Cash song A Boy Named Sue now lol.

Was Arrow a man or a woman though? How old? I'm confused.

[Rafiel's Aria]

5 minutes ago, Dragoncat said:

@Rafiel's Aria You explained the immorality well and I guess that's a neat writing quirk with the names. But I can't stop thinking of that Johnny Cash song A Boy Named Sue now lol.

Was Arrow a man or a woman though? How old? I'm confused.

Arrow's a dude too and probably in his early/mid-20s like Cam and Kurt. Cam talked a little bit about some memories that probably took place close to 10 or so years ago: Arrow giving Cam flowers so he didn't feel left out during the love festival orr Cam kissing Arrow to get him to shut up during their first hike. 

Arrow is (pardon the pun) straight as an arrow, but Cam's not. It's not meant to be the focus of the oneshot, but it's sort of a hidden easter egg. Orchids have a variety of symbolic meanings that range from like...purity to friendship to respect to sexuality. 

[Dragoncat]

1 minute ago, Rafiel's Aria said:

Arrow's a dude too and probably in his early/mid-20s like Cam and Kurt. Cam talked a little bit about some memories that probably took place close to 10 or so years ago: Arrow giving Cam flowers so he didn't feel left out during the love festival orr Cam kissing Arrow to get him to shut up during their first hike. 

Arrow is (pardon the pun) straight as an arrow, but Cam's not. It's not meant to be the focus of the oneshot, but it's sort of a hidden easter egg. Orchids have a variety of symbolic meanings that range from like...purity to friendship to respect to sexuality. 

Hmm, interesting. Cam is bisexual then? Or gay?

You clearly put a lot of thought into this.

[Anacybele]

Ah, yeah, then I would have never caught that on my own, Rafiel's Aria, because like I said, my brain can't go that deep into literature. lol But I see now, thanks for explaining.