SF's "Write Your Butt Off" II - Return of Writer's Block

[Jotari]

@Dragoncat

After Twilight

Spoiler

A little on the short side. This is less a story and more a proposal for a setting. In that regard it is interesting. I like the idea of the Twilight Realm physically being inserted into Hyrule. I can see how that would cause a lot of trouble (assuming it was squeezed in between existing lands, people would suddenly find themselves miles away from their neighbors). I feel like the story might go down a bit heavily on the Hylians while depicting the Twili as too good. I doubt Zant was literally the only Twili with feelings of indignity when it came to the Hylians for casting them out of Hyrule.

Whoops. Didn't mean to post so soon. Comments on the last two stories should come later today.

Edited February 8, 2019 by Jotari

[Dragoncat]

5 hours ago, Jotari said:

A little on the short side. This is less a story and more a proposal for a setting. In that regard it is interesting. I like the idea of the Twilight Realm physically being inserted into Hyrule. I can see how that would cause a lot of trouble (assuming it was squeezed in between existing lands, people would suddenly find themselves miles away from their neighbors). I feel like the story might go down a bit heavily on the Hylians while depicting the Twili as too good. I doubt Zant was literally the only Twili with feelings of indignity when it came to the Hylians for casting them out of Hyrule.

I assume it was stuck on the edge of Gerudo Desert like where the mirror was. Good point about Zant not being the only one, I admit that's where I fell short. Border skirmishes are started by both sides, but as of for now it's just like "go explore" for the twili mostly instead of conquest.

[LdotRage]

There's some serious competition here! I don't know who to vote for!! D:

[Jotari]

@Rafiel's Aria

Under Your Scars

Spoiler

Don't really know how I feel about this one. I like the general mood and setting in it. Feels very real. The cross between modern military speak and high fantasy kings and healers also conveys an intriguing world. However, there's something missing that I can't quite place my finger on. I'm sorry that I can't explain why, but it's just lacking something to truly hook me. I think it might be the sense of place. While the setting itself is good, the location seems to be just a house. Maybe that's it. But I'm not sure. *shrug*

Also on your notes, I didn't get the impression Skye had been transformed a long time ago. Reading through it I thought it was a rather recent development.

 

@Ottservia

Fractured Understanding

Spoiler

Rushed work like you say. The opening few lines were good for creating immediate engagement, but ultimately we don't really find out anything about what's going on and the whole story just sort of becomes a fight in which the reader has no real stakes in.

 

[Dragoncat]

@Jotari So this is a post apocalyptic story, set in India or nearby? I got that vibe from the mention of an elephant headed god. 

Spoiler

I got Dickson vibes from it though...damn Grandpa whyyyyy go back to the old folks home it's bingo night.

You did a good job at making it the second part of a story, the first part was this lady being captured I assume.

[Jotari]

2 minutes ago, Dragoncat said:

@Jotari So this is a post apocalyptic story, set in India or nearby? I got that vibe from the mention of an elephant headed god. 

  Hide contents

I got Dickson vibes from it though...damn Grandpa whyyyyy go back to the old folks home it's bingo night.

You did a good job at making it the second part of a story, the first part was this lady being captured I assume.

They talk about Akkadian being the language in the ruins so the setting would be somewhere around modern day Iraq. It was an elephant headed god more to be distinctive than anything else. Ganesha is the obvious elephant headed god but I'm sure there's more out there. Someone else said something about post apocalyptic setting regarding it too and I'm not sure why. I didn't try to imply that at all. In fact the ending even hinges on the presumption that an outside world exists.

[Dragoncat]

@Rafiel's Aria Gay werewolves are interesting for sure, can't stop thinking of the Omegaverse genre though and how I'm indifferent about it. Best line was "act like a dick, lose yours". Tough badass females are the best.

So I assume werewolves aren't very well known yet in this world? I'm glad I read the author's notes, because otherwise I wouldn't have caught the werewolf thing at all, but that was probably your intention.

[Jotari]

15 minutes ago, Dragoncat said:

@Rafiel's Aria Gay werewolves are interesting for sure, can't stop thinking of the Omegaverse genre though and how I'm indifferent about it. Best line was "act like a dick, lose yours". Tough badass females are the best.

So I assume werewolves aren't very well known yet in this world? I'm glad I read the author's notes, because otherwise I wouldn't have caught the werewolf thing at all, but that was probably your intention.

I actually didn't think that line was good. Felt a bit too extreme imo. That's the way you act when you want to hurt someone. Would make things way too uncomfortable afterwards for helpful conversation.

Reading it my mind did go to werewolves at first with the way the room was trashed, but then I slowly moved more towards vampires until the line near the end about the full moon put me back in werewolf territory with certainty.

[Dragoncat]

3 minutes ago, Jotari said:

I actually didn't think that line was good. Felt a bit too extreme imo. That's the way you act when you want to hurt someone. Would make things way too uncomfortable afterwards for helpful conversation.

Reading it my mind did go to werewolves at first with the way the room was trashed, but then I slowly moved more towards vampires until the line near the end about the full moon put me back in werewolf territory with certainty.

Good point on the line, but I just like it when female characters are badasses like that.

And I'm guilty of skimming here...so I didn't catch things that clearly.

[Shoblongoo]

2 hours ago, Dragoncat said:

Gay werewolves are interesting 

Out of context quote of the year ?

Edited February 9, 2019 by Shoblongoo

[TheSilentChloey]

12 minutes ago, Shoblongoo said:

Out of context quote of the year ?

Is that a thing now?

[Dragoncat]

8 hours ago, Shoblongoo said:

Out of context quote of the year ?

 

8 hours ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Is that a thing now?

Lol it might be.

[Rapier]

Calling for next round's prompt to be about if it's ok to fuck with gay werewolves.

[Dragoncat]

7 minutes ago, Rapier said:

Calling for next round's prompt to be about if it's ok to fuck with gay werewolves.

And all the entries will be omegaverse smut oh lord

[AnonymousSpeed]

30 minutes ago, Rapier said:

with

 

[TheSilentChloey]

7 hours ago, Dragoncat said:

And all the entries will be omegaverse smut oh lord

I highly doubt that because the rules clearly state no smut and PG rated.  So that likely won't be a thing.  Also Rapier said WITH.

[Dragoncat]

20 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

I highly doubt that because the rules clearly state no smut and PG rated.  So that likely won't be a thing.  Also Rapier said WITH.

It was sarcasm.

[Rafiel's Aria]

On 2/9/2019 at 3:46 AM, Jotari said:

@Rafiel's Aria

Under Your Scars

  Reveal hidden contents

Don't really know how I feel about this one. I like the general mood and setting in it. Feels very real. The cross between modern military speak and high fantasy kings and healers also conveys an intriguing world. However, there's something missing that I can't quite place my finger on. I'm sorry that I can't explain why, but it's just lacking something to truly hook me. I think it might be the sense of place. While the setting itself is good, the location seems to be just a house. Maybe that's it. But I'm not sure. *shrug*

Also on your notes, I didn't get the impression Skye had been transformed a long time ago. Reading through it I thought it was a rather recent development.

 

 

That's an interesting comment. For this scene I'm don't know what I could have done to enhance the setting itself without expanding this particular scene or changing the location entirely. I'm not sure how I'd feel about something like this having happened in a more public place since it's meant to be more intimate. The drama of possibly getting caught might fix things, but I wonder if that'd take away from the characters themselves... 

22 hours ago, Dragoncat said:

@Rafiel's Aria Gay werewolves are interesting for sure, can't stop thinking of the Omegaverse genre though and how I'm indifferent about it. Best line was "act like a dick, lose yours". Tough badass females are the best.

So I assume werewolves aren't very well known yet in this world? I'm glad I read the author's notes, because otherwise I wouldn't have caught the werewolf thing at all, but that was probably your intention.

I don't know a lot about Omegaverse. Just enough, and I definitely don't care to know more.  But I kind of hope I strayed away from it since that wasn't my intention at all. lol I was proud of that line. I have trouble writing tough people. Yukiko's a fun character because she walks the line between a "black widow" type spy and a military mother. 

In this particular country, werewolves and other "mystical creatures" aren't very well-liked. Several years ago, there was a nasty plague that only affected the mystics and caused them to go berserk. A nice chunk of the mortal population was wiped out from the rampages, and a lot of mystics died as well. So while there aren't witch hunts against werewolves, people would NOT take kindly to knowing one lived in the town.  Or was a general.

22 hours ago, Jotari said:

I actually didn't think that line was good. Felt a bit too extreme imo. That's the way you act when you want to hurt someone. Would make things way too uncomfortable afterwards for helpful conversation.

Personally, I thought it was a fair enough response to Ashley calling Yukiko a "filthy immigrant whore." He crossed one line, so she crossed another. Probably extreme but Yukiko also knows Ashley well enough at this point to know that he wouldn't respond well to "please sit down while I investigate your house for someone who might have violated you." He knows her well enough to know that she wouldn't follow through with that threat, but she would smack him around a bit if it were for his own good. And she knows he could likely overpower her, even when weakened, if enough adrenaline kicked in. Sorry if I didn't manage to convey that in their exchange. I do believe Yukiko did mention that she didn't do empathy very well. lol

9 hours ago, Rapier said:

Calling for next round's prompt to be about if it's ok to fuck with gay werewolves.

Yes plz.

[Jotari]

1 hour ago, Rafiel's Aria said:

That's an interesting comment. For this scene I'm don't know what I could have done to enhance the setting itself without expanding this particular scene or changing the location entirely. I'm not sure how I'd feel about something like this having happened in a more public place since it's meant to be more intimate. The drama of possibly getting caught might fix things, but I wonder if that'd take away from the characters themselves... 

I don't know a lot about Omegaverse. Just enough, and I definitely don't care to know more.  But I kind of hope I strayed away from it since that wasn't my intention at all. lol I was proud of that line. I have trouble writing tough people. Yukiko's a fun character because she walks the line between a "black widow" type spy and a military mother. 

In this particular country, werewolves and other "mystical creatures" aren't very well-liked. Several years ago, there was a nasty plague that only affected the mystics and caused them to go berserk. A nice chunk of the mortal population was wiped out from the rampages, and a lot of mystics died as well. So while there aren't witch hunts against werewolves, people would NOT take kindly to knowing one lived in the town.  Or was a general.

Personally, I thought it was a fair enough response to Ashley calling Yukiko a "filthy immigrant whore." He crossed one line, so she crossed another. Probably extreme but Yukiko also knows Ashley well enough at this point to know that he wouldn't respond well to "please sit down while I investigate your house for someone who might have violated you." He knows her well enough to know that she wouldn't follow through with that threat, but she would smack him around a bit if it were for his own good. And she knows he could likely overpower her, even when weakened, if enough adrenaline kicked in. Sorry if I didn't manage to convey that in their exchange. I do believe Yukiko did mention that she didn't do empathy very well. lol

Yes plz.

I wouldn't put too much stock in my first comment. As I said I had trouble figuring out exactly what I was looking for.

My second comment though I do feel more strongly about. she did mention she doesn't do empathy well, but that's still really far. Imagine someone violently groping you and then saying they're trying to help you. It wouldn't put said person in an accomodating state of mind. It's emasculating. Especially when they're an abuse victim.

[Rafiel's Aria]

2 hours ago, Jotari said:

I wouldn't put too much stock in my first comment. As I said I had trouble figuring out exactly what I was looking for.

My second comment though I do feel more strongly about. she did mention she doesn't do empathy well, but that's still really far. Imagine someone violently groping you and then saying they're trying to help you. It wouldn't put said person in an accomodating state of mind. It's emasculating. Especially when they're an abuse victim.

I thought about it for a bit, and I do agree with you that it would be an extremely poor way to address a victim of abuse. However, I thought a little bit more about what I wanted from that scene and that exchange in particular. Yukiko enters the scene believing her comrade is injured and in need of some medical attention. But then he gets rather defensive, and she sees the state of the house, and her mind probably doesn't immediately go to Ashley as the victim of the abuse (despite what I said in my last post). She's known him as the hard-ass general who's difficult to please. He's fair to the people he works with, but he's also short-tempered. If anything, she likely believes that he's the one who's done something terrible, so when she threatens him and goes to search his bedroom, she's treating him as a suspect and not necessarily trying to help him. Granted her mind changes over the course of the story, and she does tread more carefully later on. 

If I could change it, I would probably remove the physical threat so she doesn't immediately treat him as a villain, but the verbal one would likely remain. She'll tolerate kicking and screaming all day, but she doesn't let racist remarks slide. In the end, I would likely have her return the apology Ashley offers as well since that seems fair. 

[Dragoncat]

@Ottservia You are right that this really looks rushed. I found myself wondering if these are humans or anthro creatures from "flaming paw".

[Shoblongoo]

*checks scoreboard for the round*

wowwwwwwwwww

Chloey's gettin there. 

Edited February 11, 2019 by Shoblongoo

[Anacybele]

And I have no votes. I'm really surprised this time. Especially since you said mine was the best, Shoblongoo. I thought that meant you were voting for me, naturally. I also thought that the entry I submitted this time was my best one so far.

I'm not cut out for these contests I guess. Either my tastes are just vastly different or I'm simply not a good writer. It's not my main thing anyway, that's art. Don't get me wrong, I don't actually care about winning. I would just like a vote or two, as it would show me if I'm good/getting better.

[TheSilentChloey]

58 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

And I have no votes. I'm really surprised this time. Especially since you said mine was the best, Shoblongoo. I thought that meant you were voting for me, naturally. I also thought that the entry I submitted this time was my best one so far.

I'm not cut out for these contests I guess. Either my tastes are just vastly different or I'm simply not a good writer. It's not my main thing anyway, that's art. Don't get me wrong, I don't actually care about winning. I would just like a vote or two, as it would show me if I'm good/getting better.

Don't sell yourself so short Ana.  Each story you write is valuable experience in itself and should be a spring board for the next one, practice does make perfect after all.

 

1 hour ago, Shoblongoo said:

*checks scoreboard for the round*

wowwwwwwwwww

Chloey's gettin there. 

I'm kind of taken aback actually since I wasn't expecting any votes at all.  I guess though it's not over until it's absolutely over.

[Anacybele]

2 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Don't sell yourself so short Ana.  Each story you write is valuable experience in itself and should be a spring board for the next one, practice does make perfect after all.

Practice doesn't mean anything when no matter how much you do it, you still don't get much better, if at all. You can't be good at everything, after all.

Edited February 11, 2019 by Anacybele