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I Feel Better Now


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Ater a shitstorm that lasted half a day, I feel better now. I've learned that I should love myself. Some you guys may still think I'm a shitty narcissistic asshole, but I'll try to be a better person from now on. I apologize for my actions.

Also, thank you once again, @KaidenMelon, for being a good friend. Without your encouragement, who knows what I would've done. Also thank you, @Emerson, for being a good friend too.

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look. the internet is the type of place where you can do almost anything without fear of judgement. no-one thinks you're a narcissistic asshole. most people have had at least one really hard part of their life, so i can appreciate wanting to de-stress by playing a character that represents only our sense of humor, and not our sense of self, its what i do on this site most of the time. so im not going to be invasive, as you seem, based on posts on this forum that i've seen you make, like you have a lot to deal with, so even if it gets nightmarish IRL again, no-one will think less of you for it. after all, "give a man a mask and he will show his true self" is a valid way to vent. of course, real life help comes first, so im sorry if this whole post comes off as patronising, if you've already come to your own conclusions about what you want to do, but i just wanted to express some sympathy and all that.

after that whole block of text i just want to say that, people appreciate you for your presence, even if you have nothing else.

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3 minutes ago, Purple Mage said:

Really? I don't see any proof

I don't know what you want to hear based off of that question, because you seem to be applying rationalism to your emotional issues. all i can do is claim that no-one has any irrational hatred of you, and that i doubt that anyone would say that they hate you on here. i want to support you, for the sole reason that you seem quite depressed. thats what i meant by saying that people don't need anything other that just you presenting your difficulties to sympathise with them. 

 i want to honestly sympathise, not as (s)ad touch, but as the person behind the screen. i don't care that i don't actually know anything about you, i can appreciate that you are upset. i genuinely don't want you to be upset, because seeing people upset reminds me of things and people that have upset and been terrible to me as well, and there have been terrible times , and terrible, terrible people in my life. the reason i say that people appreciate you on here, is because, behind the anonymity, there are people there too. and people appreciate people for who they are. again, i apologise if this seems patronising, but i am being totally genuine. people appreciate that other people can suck. 

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Of course people appreciate when others suck. It just serves to fuel humanity's huge ego. "At least I'm not like them." That mentality plagues all of us, myself included

My reputation is also tarnished forever, and there really is someone who thinks I'm a narcissistic asshole. It's true, I piss people off, but I'm trying to be a good person. I've tried pleasing everyone, which failed miserably, and there is one non-SF user by the name of Melliel that really hates me now. I've made tons of enemies in the past 24 hours. Just look at the SF Discord server. It's possible that some might've discussed "Oh look that narcissistic asshole Purple left because he couldn't handle the criticism" or something like that.

Right now, I'm on a journey to search for allies for defense. Perhaps I can help others too.

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you don't need to compare yourself to what other people think of you because thoughts are so fungible. if you have a problem with what people think of you, which is completely fair, discord can fucking suck, then do something about it. sure it would be hard, but don't just drop dead to existentialism, you are not just purple mage, you are a person. you still have a chance to redeem yourself in the eyes of those who hate you. hell, look at my first or second post, it was fucking terrible, but i didn't just make my first post, did i? no-one really just thinks of people as the snapshots of them at their worst, do they?

your reputation, is not tarnished forever, because even if you injected every ounce of yourself into that reputation, and it was massively damaged, you can still prove yourself again. you are capable of recognizing what it is that they hate you for right? then you could apologise for it and, unless you committed like an actual felony, people are liable to accept the apology if it seems genuine. what im saying is, you dont need to worry. you don't need allies to defend you, you need to make ends meet with the people that hate you. i cant find exactly what it is that made people hate you via a brief discord search, but i dont think its as big of a deal as you'd think. sure, there are still people making brief jabs at your expense, but its not actually that big a deal on discord. as long as you make it clear that you understand what everyone hates you for, and that you are forthright about what you think about doing whatever it is you did in hindsight that makes everyone "hate" you, then it will blow over. seriously, you'd worry less about what people thought of you if you realised how seldom they do. people are wrapped up in their own lives, trying to do what they do on discord. do you seriously think that one fuck-up would make you an undesirable on the serenes discord forever? id give it another 24 hours before no-one gives a shit anymore. 

again. i don't care whether you were obnoxious on the internet yesterday, because if you just apologise for it, which it seems that you already have(? i dont know discord search is kinda janky) because, if you prove that you aren't just what they don't really hate you for anymore, then you still have your reputation, because reputation is fungible. seriously, stop being so over the top, i mean, i get that your upset, but that can come off as cynical, and having a lack of desire for redemption.

purple, you'll be fine.

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1 minute ago, (s)ad touch said:

you don't need to compare yourself to what other people think of you because thoughts are so fungible. if you have a problem with what people think of you, which is completely fair, discord can fucking suck, then do something about it. sure it would be hard, but don't just drop dead to existentialism, you are not just purple mage, you are a person. you still have a chance to redeem yourself in the eyes of those who hate you. hell, look at my first or second post, it was fucking terrible, but i didn't just make my first post, did i? no-one really just thinks of people as the snapshots of them at their worst, do they?

your reputation, is not tarnished forever, because even if you injected every ounce of yourself into that reputation, and it was massively damaged, you can still prove yourself again. you are capable of recognizing what it is that they hate you for right? then you could apologise for it and, unless you committed like an actual felony, people are liable to accept the apology if it seems genuine. what im saying is, you dont need to worry. you don't need allies to defend you, you need to make ends meet with the people that hate you. i cant find exactly what it is that made people hate you via a brief discord search, but i dont think its as big of a deal as you'd think. sure, there are still people making brief jabs at your expense, but its not actually that big a deal on discord. as long as you make it clear that you understand what everyone hates you for, and that you are forthright about what you think about doing whatever it is you did in hindsight that makes everyone "hate" you, then it will blow over. seriously, you'd worry less about what people thought of you if you realised how seldom they do. people are wrapped up in their own lives, trying to do what they do on discord. do you seriously think that one fuck-up would make you an undesirable on the serenes discord forever? id give it another 24 hours before no-one gives a shit anymore. 

again. i don't care whether you were obnoxious on the internet yesterday, because if you just apologise for it, which it seems that you already have(? i dont know discord search is kinda janky) because, if you prove that you aren't just what they don't really hate you for anymore, then you still have your reputation, because reputation is fungible. seriously, stop being so over the top, i mean, i get that your upset, but that can come off as cynical, and having a lack of desire for redemption.

purple, you'll be fine.

I AM cynical. Even back as a kid I had the thought of everyone hating me ingrained into my mind. I still think that way, leading me not to trust people.

And also people accuse me of being an attention whore. I'm NOT! I just want to experience the love and respect other people get. Granted, I don't deserve such things, I don't deserve ANYTHING, but I guess I'll love myself even if it is too late. People have given up on me.

I've been depressed for the past 24 hours, and I'm just... tired. My attempts to make people not dislike me have miserably ended in failure. I just want people to forgive me, and people to apologize to me too. I try to apologize to people if I do them wrong, even if they just get even more pissed as a result. I don't care about that. I just want people not to experience what I always go through: Nobody saying sorry.

I'm just really damn tired. At least 75% of the people I know are against me. I want to hide, I've hidden myself, but it just makes me look like a damn coward. I want to prove to others that I'm not useless, that I have worth.

But no, at the end of the day, even if others love me, even if I love myself (which gives the narc accusers more "evidence"), I still have plenty of enemies and people I've pissed off. And their numbers offset the positivity.

I guess I don't feel much better after all. At least I no longer wallow in self-loathing.

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purple, you are not worthless. you've built PMES, you've made sprites, you CAN do what you aim to do. you know how to code a pme, so why not get good enough at coding to get a job in it? Purple, you have a potential future. you are completely capable of doing things that other people cannot, but you need to stop judging yourself for what you don't like about yourself, because that seems to be a huge cause of the mindset that has gotten you so depressed. you can always improve yourself, even from terrible places. otherwise, i probably would still be wallowing in endless self-pity at my own shortcomings.

you don't need more people to side with you, you need to understand what about the criticism makes you upset, and work past that. that will be a step towards the self-worth that you seem to need. do something that you would never do for fun, for fun. get out of your comfort zone. become a bolder person. you want self improvement, correct? pick up a sport, study up, do SOMETHING that you think is worth doing. look, purple, i had a similar period of time before i joined serenes. my entire family was, and still are to an extent, unsympathetic towards me for any mistake that i make ever, never taking the blame for themselves. i can understand how frustrating a lack of communication is, especially within one's own family, but it isn't the type of thing that you can wait out. if you want people to not hate you, then forge a more likeable persona, and try to communicate your thoughts better. 

i wish i could type more out, but i genuinely do have to go soon, so i just hope that you end up reconciling this with yourself. you need to create another frame of mind from which to operate, so i hope you can sort yourself out, and you will be fine.

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I try to gain the love of the people by trying to please them, whether through jokes, works, words, or anything else, I've tried.

But I can't please everybody.

Someone actually hates me. I'm not kidding, I somehow pissed off someone (outside of SF) to the point that she blocked me and accused me of harassment. See, THAT'S how much I've earned the ire of the internet's populace. I somehow made someone utterly despise me to that point. Let that sink in.

Edited by Purple Mage
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you do realize that it's not making someone despise you, it's just that they don't really give a shit at that point since you actively display a refusal to get professional help.

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5 hours ago, Purple Mage said:

I can't please everybody.

you shouldn't aim for it, its impossible to please everyone, since nearly everything is subjective. if you want people to like you, then you should keep doing what you usually do, as in with

5 hours ago, Purple Mage said:

jokes, works, words, or anything else

 

5 hours ago, Purple Mage said:

Someone actually hates me. I'm not kidding, I somehow pissed off someone (outside of SF) to the point that she blocked me and accused me of harassment. See, THAT'S how much I've earned the ire of the internet's populace. I somehow made someone utterly despise me to that point. Let that sink in.

people get mad. you are allowed to piss people off. it is OK for people to hate you, because if you end up well known, or at in least limited purpose knowledge, you WILL get people that hate you. think of anyone online that you hate. just pick one randomly. you don't really think EVERYONE hates them do you? because not only is that irrational, but its a terribly unhealthy mindset.

likewise, just because your controversial on a discord server, doesn't mean that you have no worth. you are not just your mistakes. life doesn't have savestates, so you shouldn't expect a perfect run.

people are genuinely concerned for your well being. otherwise no-one would have responded to this threads premise. in the eyes of the populace of the part of this part of the internet, you have the worth of exactly 1 human being, and a human is very valuable to other humans. people don't just want to doxx and kick you off the internet, that's paranoia

what im saying is you shouldn't be have to please everyone, or even that person who blocked you. mistakes can and will be made, life goes on.

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Yes, but when the majority of the population doesn't like me, that offsets the actual concern/like/love I get from the minority that does. Look at me, I'm on the shit list of THREE mods: Jyo, Ike, Parr.

Plus, tons of others don't like me either. A certain someone from WITHIN SF thinks I'm a narcissistic attention whore. I'm just so damn tired. People don't like me at all. Most of them barely tolerate my presence.

Look, I'm sorry. To you, to Ike, to Parr, to Jyo, to Laura, to Chef, to Wyatt, to Sharpie, and plenty of other people who I've managed to piss off. I'm sorry. I'm just so damn tired. And if anyone gets to the point of death threats, I wont accuse anyone of harassment. I don't want to be like... you know who.

Edited by Purple Mage
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There's nothing wrong with being a narcissist. Flinging it as an insult is stigmatizing toward those who struggle with it. It's a mental illness, and mental illnesses suck. Most people don't understand that, but there are many who do.

Edit: And I've been physically and psychologically abused by a likely narcissist in university, and by a criminal psychopath as a young child, so I am not just saying shit because it's easy for me to say it. Most people don't give a shit...I understand the difference between describing the reality of something and placing blame. By the way, I have no idea if you are a narcissist or not. I'm commenting on the idea that people were using it as an insult.

Edited by expshare
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Dude.  Get some therapy.  I'm serious.

If you need to apologize, you should do so via PM, not in public (unless you managed to anger the general public, but unless you're a celebrity, that's probably not an issue).  I know you're having various issues with your life, but advertising it on a forum dedicated to video games is NOT the answer.  A good therapist can show you how to cope with it in a healthier manner.

Edited by eclipse
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