Where do you draw the line between friend and acquaintance?

[XRay]

So, what separates friends and acquaintance for you? Do you like to have a lot of friends/acquaintances, just a few close friends, or do you want it all and have lots of close friends? How do you respond if a person ask if you and an acquaintance are friends? And this may sound stupid, but as an adult, it feels like I have lost the ability to make friends, so how do you still make meaningful friendships with other people?

And finally, since this is Far from the Forest, do you think friendship is magic?

For me, if I can scream "PENIS!!!" in front of your face without feeling awkward, then you are a friend (I used to do that frequently, and I still do it occasionally; I know, I am super mature). If I cannot do that, or if I feel embarrassed afterwards, then you are not a friend. There is clear line separating friends and acquaintances.

Since I have ten close friends and we all know each other, I am a firm believer that you do not have sacrifice quantity for quality and vice versa. Of course, not everyone has that luxury and it really depends on your environment and the group of people.

If people ask me and an acquaintance if we are friends, I say yes. It does make me feel awkward though, since I am clearly lying, but I do not want to hurt the acquaintance's feelings. Since our culture throws the word "friends" a lot casually, it makes me feel a little weird to reserve the term for special people. Like, imagine if our culture just throws the words "husband/wife" around casually even if you are not married, that is how I feel about labeling everyone as a friend.

I find it so hard to make friends after highschool. In fact, I have not made a single friend since then. I mean, I made a few acquaintances when I was in New York, and if I was like most people, I would probably consider them friends. However, they are nowhere remotely close to what I would call a friend. It is more than just grabbing each other by the butt cheeks or me yelling penis spontaneously, it is about being intimate (the platonic kind, and not that kind of intimate), being there for each other, and basically making some personal sacrifices without a second thought; I do not feel any of that towards my acquaintances. I am not really sure why I have trouble making friends. Maybe it is because I do not spend enough time with them, and/or maybe I am shooting myself in the foot by comparing my acquaintances to my friends so it always feels like investing in acquaintances does not feel worth it when I can get more enjoyment investing in my friends.

Compared to romantic relationships, friendship is almost like magic. Most societies dictate that you can only have one lover, however, friendship is different and even the most conservative people do not bat an eye if you have a bromantic harem. I also highly doubt anyone being jealous over a friend having other friends, since it is usually the more the merrier.

[Slumber]

Basic line of thinking for me would be "Would this person be cool being my designated driver?" If yes, friend. If no, acquaintance.

[X-Naut]

To me, a friend is someone who you can comfortably talk to about your problems and joys alike. There's a mutual understanding on when to be serious and what each other's boundaries are, but when the mood is lighter there's no unease about being fools around each other.

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, I haven't really made friends since I got out of high school and even in high school I felt distant from most people. I feel like the issue is where we fall on the casual/personal vs formal/reserved spectrum: as a highly introverted person I default towards the latter around people I don't know well, even outside formal settings. The prevailing idea (at least in the US) seems to be that if you know their name, occupy the same setting and share a few words, then you're friends. I don't agree with that, and it makes me uncomfortable when people talk to me like we're closer than we are, or starts the conversation in a very personal way. There's several facets to it, so let's take a look at what goes through my head when somebody greets me with "How are you?"

• Okay, first of all, what do you want to know? This question is way too vague, give me a sense of direction.
• Second, it feels intrusive. I'm not open to telling anybody how I'm feeling, unless they indicate that they have a clue and show concern about it. Speaking of which...
• "Fine. Good. Okay." That's utter garbage. You can't simplify human feelings into one word, if you want to talk feelings we're going to have to sit down for a bit.
• Better yet, do you even care? Most of the time it's as if they're asking you for a cookie made of words, and it feels insulting to see what should be a sincere question be used as a prying greeting.
• And yet, it just feels wrong to talk back to people about it, because everybody does it and I'd rather not ruin your mood starting an argument about it.

If someone asked me why I didn't respond to "How are you?" like everyone else we might get somewhere, but nobody makes the effort to understand. Although I have to admit part of it is my problem; I'm not comfortable sharing my interests or details about myself unless I know they're interested in it too. Plus, there's the separation of settings mentality, I keep my free time in a separate sphere from school and work.

[Azz]

If I can talk to a person without fear of being judged for what I say (Even if I do get judged in the end lol), then that person is a friend. Like you, I also use the 'PENIS' test, so if I can go up to a person and just shout penis in their face and we both can just laugh about it (Not out of embarrassment obviously) then yeah, I consider them a friend.

Acquaintances are people that I can have a civil conversation with but that's about it. I wouldn't say anything personal to them for anything that would make me seem weird or embarrassing (like shouting penis in their face).

[Dandy Druid]

A friend is someone I can have a meal with. A friend is someone with whom I can hold a conversation easily.

I would have a hard time eating with acquaintances. They're people I like, sorta, but I don't feel comfortable talking a lot because I don't know what their interests are or a common hobby of both of us, if there is one.

[ViceTOLUCT]

People... we need to be wondering why this guy is even on the forum if he hates society.

[EricaofRenais]

A friend for me is someone I trust and who knows me very well, in other words they can tell if my sugar is going low and will give me food or tell me "check your sugar".  An acquaintance is someone I will say hi to and I remember their name and maybe I will eat with them if is lunch time at work stuff like that but we don't hang out on off time or anything.

Edited September 12, 2018 by EricaofRenais

[ViceTOLUCT]

2 hours ago, XRay said:

So, what separates friends and acquaintance for you? Do you like to have a lot of friends/acquaintances, just a few close friends, or do you want it all and have lots of close friends? How do you respond if a person ask if you and an acquaintance are friends? And this may sound stupid, but as an adult, it feels like I have lost the ability to make friends, so how do you still make meaningful friendships with other people?

And finally, since this is Far from the Forest, do you think friendship is magic?

For me, if I can scream "PENIS!!!" in front of your face without feeling awkward, then you are a friend (I used to do that frequently, and I still do it occasionally; I know, I am super mature). If I cannot do that, or if I feel embarrassed afterwards, then you are not a friend. There is clear line separating friends and acquaintances.

Since I have ten close friends and we all know each other, I am a firm believer that you do not have sacrifice quantity for quality and vice versa. Of course, not everyone has that luxury and it really depends on your environment and the group of people.

If people ask me and an acquaintance if we are friends, I say yes. It does make me feel awkward though, since I am clearly lying, but I do not want to hurt the acquaintance's feelings. Since our culture throws the word "friends" a lot casually, it makes me feel a little weird to reserve the term for special people. Like, imagine if our culture just throws the words "husband/wife" around casually even if you are not married, that is how I feel about labeling everyone as a friend.

I find it so hard to make friends after highschool. In fact, I have not made a single friend since then. I mean, I made a few acquaintances when I was in New York, and if I was like most people, I would probably consider them friends. However, they are nowhere remotely close to what I would call a friend. It is more than just grabbing each other by the butt cheeks or me yelling penis spontaneously, it is about being intimate (the platonic kind, and not that kind of intimate), being there for each other, and basically making some personal sacrifices without a second thought; I do not feel any of that towards my acquaintances. I am not really sure why I have trouble making friends. Maybe it is because I do not spend enough time with them, and/or maybe I am shooting myself in the foot by comparing my acquaintances to my friends so it always feels like investing in acquaintances does not feel worth it when I can get more enjoyment investing in my friends.

Compared to romantic relationships, friendship is almost like magic. Most societies dictate that you can only have one lover, however, friendship is different and even the most conservative people do not bat an eye if you have a bromantic harem. I also highly doubt anyone being jealous over a friend having other friends, since it is usually the more the merrier.

What i DO draw the line at is the fact that you bribe the admins to keep your post from getting deleted, and you people wonder why i hate this website.

[XRay]

8 minutes ago, ViceTOLUCT said:

What i DO draw the line at is the fact that you bribe the admins to keep your post from getting deleted, and you people wonder why i hate this website.

What are you talking about?

[XRay]

16 minutes ago, ViceTOLUCT said:

People... we need to be wondering why this guy is even on the forum if he hates society.

Where does it even say I hate society?

[Karimlan]

2 hours ago, Slumber said:

Basic line of thinking for me would be "Would this person be cool being my designated driver?" 

Or, if he pretty much tolerates if we'd walk home inebriated and singing really crappy songs after a night of hopping from bar to bar (time-travelling, really, as Dave Attell puts it).

I'm going through pretty much the same quandary as @XRay is going: I got a lot of acquaintances, but not a lot of friends who would tolerate my, ahem, proclivities, or have tendencies that I don't really stand. One guy's comment really doesn't count as it is asinine beyond belief.

[indigoasis]

A friend is someone you know and trust. You're comfortable around them enough to be yourself. An acquaintance is someone who you know enough about to say hello to. Being the goofball that I am at times, I more or less consider everyone I know a friend, even if they are technically an acquaintance. I'm not afraid to say that someone is an acquaintance and not necessarily a friend, either, but I'd rather not have to say it, y'know?

My dad had a buddy in high school who he's been friends with ever since they graduated. If they've been friends for that long, I feel that should give a good impression of what a friend is.

[Interdimensional Observer]

Can't say I've ever actually had a friend, not that I'd be against having one. I just have never put in the effort to make any. Probably would be better if I did, but I'm just introverted. I too put the term "friend" in a rarefied realm apart from "acquaintance". 

[Johann]

I consider anybody I meet who's not an asshole my friend, but I'm a super extroverted dude who likes talking to everybody (including total strangers), so I'm probably an outlier. I'd say there's a degree of friendship that develops the more time you spend with people, though it takes some effort and openness to make that happen, which is something I enjoy.

Making friends once you're done with school is extremely hard, and it generally gets harder if you don't have activities or interests that involve meeting new people. Workplaces are generally crap for making new friends too. I consider myself extremely fortunate that I have so many friends due to be involved in theater (and I have to keep this short because I'm heading out to dinner with some of them).

Loneliness is a major issue for people as they age since people have a tendency to put things like work or family first. I've met far too many elderly people who have literally nobody in their life, and some who have even gone to extremes like calling 911 just to have someone to spend time with. One of the most consistent regrets I hear is how they let friendships fade away over time.

4 hours ago, XRay said:

I also highly doubt anyone being jealous over a friend having other friends, since it is usually the more the merrier.

Sadly, there are people out there who do get like this. It's upsetting, but I've had to drop friends because of the emotional toll their behavior takes on everyone else.

[eclipse]

If I can be honest with that person, and I trust them to be honest with me, I consider them a friend.

[NinjaMonkey]

Everyone a person knows is technically an acquaintance. A friend is just a subset of that.

Edited September 12, 2018 by NinjaMonkey

[Infinite Dreams]

Interesting topic.  I like it!  

Hmm, I guess acquaintances would be the type of people you run into and say "we should totally hang out more", but both of you know that's not going to happen because neither party cares enough to make a plan. 

Also, in my case, I have a certain image in mind of the person I want most people to see me as.  I make a great effort to be this person: Someone kind, caring, calm, pleasant, patient, etc, which is who I feel I am to a certain degree, but if someone is a friend and not an acquaintance, I start to feel comfortable enough to let some of the "negative" qualities come out (vulgarity  sarcasm, etc).  So, I guess the people who see that side would be considered a friend; however, there are people who know that side of me but have drifted.  Do they get downgraded to acquaintance since we don't really see each other much anymore?  That's where the line gets a bit blurry to me, and I don't really care enough for defining things to try to figure that out.

Another thing that separates a friend from an acquaintance is that I genuinely feel concerned about their well-being.  When something bad happens to an acquaintance, it just feels like "oh, poor ____, that's unfortunate", but that's the extent of it.  If it's a good friend, I truly feel hurt for them, or even protective on their behalf.  

Anyway, I think I would say there are 3 levels for me: Acquaintance, friend, and good friend.  As mentioned above, the lines are a bit blurry in some places...

I don't think I have very many people anymore that I would consider a good friend.  Just a few.  I'm okay with this, but I'm open to having more.  I wouldn't want too many, though, because it would be tiring trying to juggle them all.  

Edited September 12, 2018 by Infinite Dreams

[DisobeyedCargo]

Hmm

a true friend to me is someone who you can talk to anything about. Someone you don’t have to hold back on and are completely comfortable with. Someone you can trust and be honest with. 

[Rezzy]

I'm pretty lax on considering people friends.  Anyone I talk to on a regular basis in a non-work capacity I like to consider a friend.  I'm so busy with work and life in general that I don't get to spend as much time keeping up with my friends as I'd like to.

1 hour ago, Infinite Dreams said:

I don't think I have very many people anymore that I would consider a good friend.  Just a few.  I'm okay with this, but I'm open to having more.  I wouldn't want too many, though, because it would be tiring trying to juggle them all.  

I can be your friend.

[Infinite Dreams]

14 minutes ago, Rezzy said:

I can be your friend.

Maybe you already are, bb. 

[Rezzy]

27 minutes ago, Infinite Dreams said:

Maybe you already are, bb. 

If only I knew if the was a good smile or a bad smile.

[XRay]

Super long post!

7 hours ago, X-Naut said:

when people talk to me like we're closer than we are, or starts the conversation in a very personal way.

I actually wish people would initiate conversations with me more and I do not mind them being a little closer, since that usually speed things up. However, with that being said, I think I might still give off that arms length distance vibe, so maybe I should initiate conversations too to hopefully counter act it.

7 hours ago, X-Naut said:

I'm not comfortable sharing my interests or details about myself unless I know they're interested in it too.

I totally get that, and I think I am even more shy than you with non-friends. Some of my coworkers watch anime and play video games, but I still find it difficult to initiate conversations with them even though I think we may have a good chat.

I managed to have the balls to ask a girl out in high school once even though I barely know her. For some reason, talking to my coworkers feels harder, although in a different way.

7 hours ago, ΔZZ said:

I also use the 'PENIS' test,

Great minds think alike. I do not remember when I exactly I came up with that rule, but I remember feeling pretty awesome about myself when the thought struck me. It is almost like figuring out the meaning of life or if a higher being exists; defining friendship does not seem as grand, but it felt pretty awesome to come up with my own unconventional but objective answer for one of life's many questions.

It is crude and vulgar, but it is also elegant and simple. kind of like friendship itself in a way.

6 hours ago, EricaofRenais said:

maybe I will eat with them if is lunch time at work stuff like that but we don't hang out on off time or anything.

Yeah, I find it hard to justify hanging out with coworkers when I can easily just hangout with friends and probably enjoy it ten times more. Even though I want more close friends, I just get into the cost-benefit analysis when it comes to acquaintances and hanging out with them does not feel worth it.

5 hours ago, Karimlan said:

friends who would tolerate my, ahem, proclivities, or have tendencies that I don't really stand.

Yeah, I make some pretty fucked up disturbing jokes, so it takes some getting used to. It is kind of hard to make new friends when you worry about revealing your other side to people.

4 hours ago, indigospace said:

My dad had a buddy in high school who he's been friends with ever since they graduated.

That is pretty cool. I think my parents have high school friends too, but I do not see them communicating a lot though. It feels like my friends and I are the only group of people in all of our families to have an active social life.

4 hours ago, Interdimensional Observer said:

Can't say I've ever actually had a friend, not that I'd be against having one. I just have never put in the effort to make any. Probably would be better if I did, but I'm just introverted. I too put the term "friend" in a rarefied realm apart from "acquaintance". 

Sounds tough. Not sure if I can live without any friends though. Like, the unbearable loneliness itself will push me to connect with at least one person.

3 hours ago, Johann said:

One of the most consistent regrets I hear is how they let friendships fade away over time.

Maybe it is just me, but friendships are like the easiest relationships to ever maintain. Like, enjoying friendship is the same as maintaining friendship.

When you are bored just call em up and do something, and that act increases your bond. Kind of like in Awakening with the pair up system, where there is not significant down side to using it, and the more you use it, the better the results you get. Not sure if that made sense.

3 hours ago, Johann said:

Sadly, there are people out there who do get like this. It's upsetting, but I've had to drop friends because of the emotional toll their behavior takes on everyone else.

That sucks. I never encountered that in real life before, so I always thought it was only in TV dramas and fiction. I get that people might not be comfortable around their friend's friend, but being jealous seems like a strange response to me.

3 hours ago, eclipse said:

If I can be honest with that person

Sometimes I find it hard to do that for one of my friends since he has some challenges and is a little quirky sometimes. Talking one on one helps though, and with food.

3 hours ago, NinjaMonkey said:

Everyone a person knows is technically an acquaintance. A friend is just a subset of that.

Interesting. I have not seen it that way before.

3 hours ago, Infinite Dreams said:

I guess another thing that separates a friend from an acquaintance is that I genuinely feel concerned about their well-being.  When something bad happens to an acquaintance, it just feels like "oh, poor ____, that's unfortunate", but that's the extent of it.  If it's a friend, I truly feel hurt for them, or even protective on their behalf.  

Yeah, my friends say that I am generous, but when I think about how I treat strangers, I think I am far from generous. I do not mind paying for my friends and sometimes acquaintances, but the amount I am willing to pay for my acquaintances is way less.

3 hours ago, Infinite Dreams said:

I wouldn't want too many friends, though, because it would be tiring trying to juggle them all.  

I find having more friends in a group actually makes it easier to juggle, because there is always someone who is available to chill, help out, etc. if you are not around, so there is always someone there to maintain the friendship.

3 hours ago, DisobeyedCargo said:

Someone you don’t have to hold back on

I yelled penis so much that sometimes they yell penis too now. I like how my habit was so over the top that it managed to rub off on them.

1 hour ago, Rezzy said:

I'm so busy with work and life in general that I don't get to spend as much time keeping up with my friends as I'd like to.

Yeah, my friends and I try organize a big trip, party, or whatever at least once a year to do something all together. It helps since some of us moved father away across the other side of the city and, except for me, most do not want to drive forty minutes and waste gas.

Edited September 13, 2018 by XRay

[Interdimensional Observer]

29 minutes ago, XRay said:

Sounds tough. Not sure if I can live without any friends though. Like, the unbearable loneliness itself will push me to connect with at least one person.

Well I have a few family members. And I was diagnosed with Asperger's back in the 2nd Grade I believe. I can socialize, as I presently am, but I've just never put in that effort to move beyond acquaintance to actual friend. I've always been fine with it. Albeit it would help ward off some of my more melancholic periods when I'm not busied and life is ennui.

 

29 minutes ago, XRay said:

I yelled penis so much that sometimes they yell penis too now. I like how my habit was so over the top that it managed to rub off on them.

And this is reminding me of a brain bleach-demanding story Paul McCartney said within the past week I heard last night concerning his youth in the Beatles. I wish I hadn't heard it, and I ain't going to look for a link to it. Look for it as your own mercy. But if you watch late night TV, Colbert brought it up.

[Infinite Dreams]

57 minutes ago, XRay said:

Yeah, my friends say that I am generous, but when I think about how I treat strangers, I think I am far from generous. I do not mind paying for my friends and sometimes acquaintances, but the amount I am willing to pay for my acquaintances is way less.

I'm the same. I don't really give money to charity or homeless people or anything like that, but I'll pay for something for a friend without a second thought. 

1 hour ago, Rezzy said:

If only I knew if the was a good smile or a bad smile.

It's a good smile.  I just prefer this one to the regular face because it looks cuter. 

[XRay]

37 minutes ago, Interdimensional Observer said:

Well I have a few family members. And I was diagnosed with Asperger's back in the 2nd Grade I believe. I can socialize, as I presently am, but I've just never put in that effort to move beyond acquaintance to actual friend. I've always been fine with it. Albeit it would help ward off some of my more melancholic periods when I'm not busied and life is ennui.

I guess everyone is different on their needs. Yeah, having company helps stave off stress and depression a little. Felt like shit during my last year in New York, and my acquaintances helped a little, but not as much as a friend would have. Felt much better when I came back to Sacramento to see my friends again.

37 minutes ago, Interdimensional Observer said:

ennui

I learned a new word today.

37 minutes ago, Interdimensional Observer said:

And this is reminding me of a brain bleach-demanding story Paul McCartney said within the past week I heard last night concerning his youth in the Beatles. I wish I hadn't heard it, and I ain't going to look for a link to it. Look for it as your own mercy. But if you watch late night TV, Colbert brought it up.

Could not find the clip, but I did find some articles.

Saucy.

Edited September 13, 2018 by XRay