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The dark side of Love


Tediz64
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So before I get started let me say that I just got out of a 4+ year relationship in which I was cheated on. I've been talking to alot of people, both guys and girls, and seem to hear the same reoccurring theme. This topic is centered around relationships and the depth of them. 

 

Love is something I've yet to fully comprehend or understand. I thought I had something that was stronger or powerful than any other force in the world. But to hear a story about how someone could just so easily break another's heart into tiny pieces with no remorse. It's terrifying. All the time, effort, and commitment, just thrown out the window on the whims of one person's actions. And I hear stories of relationships that go on numerous years before it happens. Most people always seemed shocked or say they never thought the other would do something like that. I myself and a few other even blame themselves for it happening. 

 

So here I am. Wanting to know how something so dreadful could exist. I've heard people have ended their lives just to end the pain. Some people get broken and resort to drugs or alcohol. Some people go thru depression and quit their jobs or isolate themselves from everyone including family. I mean the list goes on. In alot of ways, it's a fate worse than death. And I'm not even factoring in if you have kids or built a home together. 

 

I literally cringe and almost cry just seeing or hearing anything that reminds me of her. I'm not really expecting alot of people to come in and pour their thoughts or heart into this thread since I know some people would rather spend their time on something else but I figured I'd make it anyways. In fact as I started this paragraph I thought, "what if I could make this a thread where you can talk and maybe get healed a little". 

 

I'm grateful that I have a handful of people in my life that are willing to come to my side during this time. Then I wondered where would I be at if I didn't. 

 

People have given me all kinds of advice and shared their wisdom with me. But sometimes I feel like it's something being said in a language I don't understand. I can't even begin to fathom how to do it or where to start.

 

They say things like: love yourself, focus on yourself, do things that make you happy, move on, try dating another, get a new hobby, distract yourself, and etc.

 

I still have a long way to go before I feel okay. For now, i just wanted to hear what others think or feel. Or maybe people who've had this happen to them can come in and talk about what they did that helped them get thru this. 

 

Regardless of which side of the spectrum you come from, be it someone who experienced cheating, someone who got thru it, or people who want to weigh in their 2 cents, share your wisdom. 

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I've never been cheated on, and I don't really know you all that well, but I have seen people go through it (from either end) a surprising number of times and how wildly different it can play out. I don't know if I can say anything that will help, but I'm willing to listen if you just want to get stuff out there.

When your friends are telling you things like to "love yourself", it means to not neglect your own well-being. It's all too easy to want to escape into a dark place, maybe your bed or computer, and generally do things that are unhealthy like eat/sleep too much (and this is made harder in the winter since it's so freakin dark and cold out). This kind of behavior can really break down your life in may ways, and can become a vicious cycle. A person who doesn't "love themselves" surely hates themselves and their thinking and behavior grows more and more self-destructive. By regularly engaging in positive thinking and behavior, the parts of your brain that handle emotional trauma reinforce themselves, so that it becomes easier to recover from heartbreaking events.

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5 hours ago, Tediz64 said:

Love is something I've yet to fully comprehend or understand. I thought I had something that was stronger or powerful than any other force in the world. But to hear a story about how someone could just so easily break another's heart into tiny pieces with no remorse. It's terrifying. All the time, effort, and commitment, just thrown out the window on the whims of one person's actions. And I hear stories of relationships that go on numerous years before it happens. Most people always seemed shocked or say they never thought the other would do something like that. I myself and a few other even blame themselves for it happening. 

Here's what sucks about love: The culture and general understanding of it. You have songs, poems, movies and even claims like "To be happy in Marriage Life... you must have a soul-mate…" all pushing the idea that you have to find a significant other to love in order to be happy and complete your life. All of it culminates into people doing illogical things when it comes to love and in your case, it's being unable to accept the very simple notion that love can fade and such relationships can end. Some people believe in soulmates or destiny, study shows they're more likely to break up sooner

5 hours ago, Tediz64 said:

So here I am. Wanting to know how something so dreadful could exist. I've heard people have ended their lives just to end the pain. Some people get broken and resort to drugs or alcohol. Some people go thru depression and quit their jobs or isolate themselves from everyone including family. I mean the list goes on. In alot of ways, it's a fate worse than death. And I'm not even factoring in if you have kids or built a home together. 

There's too many factors that play into how it could happen: she's lost interest in you, there's something off about you that drove her away and you cannot see what it is, she's not mature enough to turn away immediate gratification, etc etc. I don't know you or the other person nor either side of the story but the point I'm trying to make is that this shit happens and people need to accept that instead of seeing it the way they currently do as it is quite harmful to them.

As you've said, some people end up broken and resort to vices to recover and even lose their jobs over it. Let's say you had a comfortable life with a well paying job and Independence, then you spend 4 years in a relationship with someone and it ends. Why does that have to result in you quitting your job? Why does your life have to switch from great and independent to a state of depression and grief? Things were just fine before the relationship so why does subtracting something that was added to your life result in greater loss than what was present before the relationship started? The answer is because you stopped loving yourself. Such relationships should complement (verb) your life, not become your life or be what completes it. Nobody's doing themselves favors when they see the end to a relationship as "a fate worse than death". 

On the subject of kids, it's generally better to have the divorce happen over staying in a toxic relationship. 

5 hours ago, Tediz64 said:

I literally cringe and almost cry just seeing or hearing anything that reminds me of her. I'm not really expecting alot of people to come in and pour their thoughts or heart into this thread since I know some people would rather spend their time on something else but I figured I'd make it anyways. In fact as I started this paragraph I thought, "what if I could make this a thread where you can talk and maybe get healed a little". 

Feel what you need to feel man, just don't attack others or her when the negativity is high.

5 hours ago, Tediz64 said:

People have given me all kinds of advice and shared their wisdom with me. But sometimes I feel like it's something being said in a language I don't understand. I can't even begin to fathom how to do it or where to start.

They say things like: love yourself, focus on yourself, do things that make you happy, move on, try dating another, get a new hobby, distract yourself, and etc.

Positive thinking. Were you married?

Anyway, I recommend you research the matter of love a bit, specially studies. Hundreds of years ago it was considered wrong for a husband and wife to be in love and Benjamin Franklin had said: "'Love considered merely a passion will naturally have but a short duration; like all other passions 'tis changeable, transient and accidental.'". It just isn't helpful to see romantic love/relationships as the strong necessity people seem to think it is.

Edited by Dr. Tarrasque
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11 hours ago, Tediz64 said:

 

I literally cringe and almost cry just seeing or hearing anything that reminds me of her. 

Yepppppppp. Been there before. sucks when it’s that raw brother, but that’ll get better over time. All I can tell ya is that pleasure and pain are two sides of the same coin; if there’s good times, there’s shit times. And you have to role through the worst of times to get to the best of times. Getting your heart shat on a few times is part of life’s journey; you’ll be a stronger man for it when you get through It.

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My ex-girlfriend (which I described why I broke up with her in a previous thread) was one of those that believed on soulmates and so on, but she had to gather confidence for herself rather than from other people. She needed to understand that in order to love someone, you have to love yourself! And sadly, I don't see any effort from her until this day. I see her every class I attend on the uni and she acts like she's ignoring me but it doesn't bother me at all, I live my life, heal my bruises and learn from my mistakes.

With this, I had to relationships that went nowhere until now, the one I mentioned before and before that, a girl that barely talked with me or interacted with me at all. But I don't lose hope, I'm 23 years old and there's plenty of time to live.

24 minutes ago, Shoblongoo said:

Getting your heart shat on a few times is part of life’s journey; you’ll be a stronger man for it when you get through It.

Do like Saiyans do, they get stronger after recovering from the worst battle injuries. It's a silly example, but for me was inspirational.

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While I have never had a romantic love, I have had something I love stripped from me.  It hurt for a very long time and took everything I had to keep going, but I somehow got through it.  One thing I can say is toss everything that that person gave you in the trash, or burn it just get it as far away from you as you can.  The biggest thing that you need to do is make it so you aren't constantly reminded of what happened or that person, because you will hurt even more if it is in your face.  If you need to keep your distance from some people in your life do it, if they actually care about you they will understand otherwise they aren't worth your time.  And be glad for the people who are being supportive of you and once you are back on track do something nice for them, because it is when you are going through hell you find who in your life is a good person and who does not care.

Edited by EricaofRenais
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Being cheated on sucks.  I'm not going to sugar-coat it.

It's okay to hurt, and cry, and be angry.  You lost someone you loved, except she didn't die, she left you in a bad way.  It may take a day, or a month, or a year, or longer, but you'll need to find the strength to move on (and I think you will).  Those that don't are the ones that run into problems.

What are things that you like to do on your own?

EDIT: A friend of mine told me that opening up to someone means that you're also opening yourself up to be hurt.  It's a risk-reward situation.  I'm really sorry this happened to you.

Edited by eclipse
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19 hours ago, Tediz64 said:

@Johann

So what is positive behaviour and thinking?

Positive behavior would include doing things that are healthy and fun (without going overboard, like heavy drug use). Working out/yoga, eating at least decently are a good start, but going beyond that it's things like reading a book, trying new things like bands you've never heard before, etc. Not only do these things help your physical and mental energy and health, they can also take your mind off things that stress you out and potentially introduce you to new people.

Positive thinking is more in line with believing in yourself, cultivating self-esteem, that sort of thing. A lot of people, especially when they're in a bad place, are extremely hard on themselves. They'll think they're ugly and unlovable, and that sort of thinking takes a toll on how comfortable they are around others. It goes hand in hand with the positive behavior (like, getting in shape makes a person feel really good about themselves). Having hope that things will get better and affirming that everyone in the world isn't a piece of shit is also part of it-- letting yourself become jaded is like salting the earth that you could be sowing seeds in.

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9 hours ago, eclipse said:

What are things that you like to do on your own?

EDIT: A friend of mine told me that opening up to someone means that you're also opening yourself up to be hurt.  It's a risk-reward situation.  I'm really sorry this happened to you

Watch anime, play games, and read time to time. I was thinking I'd try joining a dojo. I left off at Green belt in Tae kwon do back when I was a teen so I'm thinking I should finish and get a black belt. If not in that style then in Brazilian jiujutsu. 

 

Also I'm willing to take that risk. I've always been the type to do for others and neglect myself because I love hearing some people say thank you. But it's a double edge sword because I also take it hard when people give me a look with disappointment in their eyes. I don't want to stop doing for others. It's why I served in the Army. Thanks for the vote of confidence I'll overcome this. 

@Dr. TarrasqueTarrasque no we weren't married but I gave her a promise ring. I was gonna marry when I could afford it. I was trying to add your quote in here too but the plus button wasn't working. Regarding the paragraphs under when you quoted me the first time, I don't think I love myself. But I've been fine like that my whole life. I devoted myself to people like my mom, sister, previous girlfriends, and this recent one too. I dunno how to change that aspect of me. Thanks for all you suggestions. I actually might research love. I know someone who took a university class on it. They'd always come back to me and try to debate things with the new info they were aquiring so I know at one point I thought I wanted to take that class as well. 

@Johann thanks for the tips. I'm going to try a few things but I think your music idea is great.

By the way to everyone who comes in here, feel free to share your wisdom and own experiences. Hopefully this thread can help others too get thru similar things. I know break ups are always hard no matter how it happens. Especially when youve been with a person for a long time and that you love.  

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