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SF's "Write Your Butt Off" Competition HD II.5 Remix


AnonymousSpeed

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Well, I'll add my critique now!

@Dragoncat Very cute! I think this is well done, and as I'd already told you, all I'd do to improve it is add more to the plot itself. It just falls a bit flat. But otherwise, you did a good job and it was amusing. lol

@Interdimensional Observer This was good, my only issue is the format that it's written and also, it's somehow a very very tedious read. I had to take a break halfway through! xP It also feels like the pregnancy part is just off to the side and not really the main thing here when the prompt is indicating that the pregnancy should be the main focus. I also had a bit of a hard time following it since I've never played the Jugdral games, but that's my own fault, so no big deal. Still, you wrote the characters well from what I can tell! I did like Oifey and Shannan's interactions quite a bit.

@Ottservia ...Wow. Just, wow, this one gets you right in the feels. It's a sad and yet charming story. ;_; Also helps for me that I like Inigo a lot and I also like Severa, and I think they make a good couple too. I don't really have anything negative to say about this one, it's just so feelsy and well done.

@TheSilentChloey Since you didn't like how I ignored you last time, I won't do so this time. Thing is, I don't really have much to say here except can you write something that isn't about Grima? Okay, maybe a bit of an exaggeration since you HAVE technically done entries that don't involve Grima. But you still constantly write him, and while I'm not saying any of your entries about him are bad, it'd be better if you shook things up a bit sometimes so it doesn't feel like you're throwing the same thing at us all the time, you know? Other than this though, this piece wasn't bad, it's rather interesting. Or at least, as interesting as it could be for your gazillionth Grima story. But yeah, I suggest you move away from him for a little while to freshen your stuff up a bit.

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30 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

...Wow. Just, wow, this one gets you right in the feels. It's a sad and yet charming story. ;_; Also helps for me that I like Inigo a lot and I also like Severa, and I think they make a good couple too. I don't really have anything negative to say about this one, it's just so feelsy and well done.

Well I'm glad I was able to get the desired effect on you. This idea has actually been rattling in my head for quite some time and it's only now that I've been able to put it to paper. Now if you want more feels with the final scene in particular listen to this as you read it now that'll elicit an emotional response(or at least I hope). I actually ship Inigo with Azura and Severa with Subaki but InigoxAzura would not have worked for this story in particular simply because of Shigure. Severa just fit the story better. This story is actually based on a little headcanon of mine that Inigo named his daughter Soleil because she reminded him of when he saw the sun for the first time when he arrived in the past from the dark and desolate future cause soleil means sun in french. Anyway I'll doll the rest of the critiques when I get around to reading them so look forward to that I guess.

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3 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

Well I'm glad I was able to get the desired effect on you. This idea has actually been rattling in my head for quite some time and it's only now that I've been able to put it to paper. Now if you want more feels with the final scene in particular listen to this as you read it now that'll elicit an emotional response(or at least I hope). I actually ship Inigo with Azura and Severa with Subaki but InigoxAzura would not have worked for this story in particular simply because of Shigure. Severa just fit the story better. This story is actually based on a little headcanon of mine that Inigo named his daughter Soleil because she reminded him of when he saw the sun for the first time when he arrived in the past from the dark and desolate future cause soleil means sun in french. Anyway I'll doll the rest of the critiques when I get around to reading them so look forward to that I guess.

Ah, I see. Inigo and Azura sound like a decent enough couple too. I didn't do any couples in Fates besides female Corrin and Silas though, so I can't really give a definitive opinion. I just did not at all like how Fates did the marriage/children system, so I chose to mostly ignore it. But I do like that headcanon about Soleil's name! That makes a lot of sense!

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@Anacybele I can't help it ? though the focus was more on Robin than Grima this time, I guess that counts for something right?  Though I guess I could have made it clearer that, yes it was Future Past Robin and yes the Awakening Robin.  However that said I think this was one of those things where I kind of wanted to try something a bit different from my normal writing style and it didn't want to be that different.  Though I wouldn't call it stale by any means.

Okay my turn for my least favourite part of this.  Commenting on stuff without coming across as a bitch.

 

@Anacybele

Spoiler

I suppose I could say something about this being the second Robin x Frederick entry we've seen from you and call to dock points on that alone but I'm not willing to do that.

 

As a stand alone piece, I felt the plot was too drawn out for my taste.

 

Something to combat that I've had to learn is called an "Economy of Words" (don't you just love how English teachers go short stories are meant to be short, but essays are not) which simply put means using the fewest words necessary to describe scenes and move the story along but not at the expense of the reader's understanding (because I derped and forgot to say it when writing this).

 

Something I've tried for the sake of the reader- failed a fair bit of that too since A Dragon's First Mission missed the mark entirely- it's not a point against your piece but something to bare in mind while writing.

 

With Fanfiction you can afford to take some short cuts- though I would not adivse that for an original work- we know Frederick likes to over do things, but I'm kind of tired of that characterisation of him.  It's litterally all he has in most fanfics.

 

Other than that it's a sweet piece.  I found the best part was when you pulled to Frederick interacting with his family- solid gold right there.  I absolutely love it.  It was cute, it was adorable and I liked it.

 

@TheSilentChloey

Spoiler

I didn't realise I would be next, but hey, that's how the cookie crumbles.

 

So with that in mind.

 

Yes it is a Grima mentioned in passing piece.  I wanted the focus to be...somewhere I guess, though I thought it was going to be just on Awakening Robin and no Future Past Robin- Opps- so that was entirely unintended I swear!  Still it made for a bitter sweet piece as we don't really know if Robin and Lucina were both in a peaceful timeline or not.  So open ended pretty much.  Nice.

 

All jokes aside though, I know the pacing might seem odd, since I was trying to make it three separate portions.  The first portion is FP! Lucina- unintended but that's just how it is.  The next part was of course FP!Robin's and lastly Combo!Lucina+Robin+Morgan?  Or more Robin now that I think about but the tiny family is altogether.  So that's nice.

 

I probably should have done a bit of expanding on it but I was kind of too tired to do that at the time and was actually working on something else...namely the other 2k word story I shared a while back.  And ST because Caleb's been pleading with me on that.

@Ottservia

Spoiler

Way to pack the emotional punch!  I couldn't help but really feel for Inigo here.  I certainly didn't know about the headcanon but his is one of those times where it works.  And god does it work.

 

I litterally could not have had a better read at this point.

 

I also hopefully didn't miss the intent this time, and I have to say that Fates was my least favourite game, but you managed not only to make it bearable but actually enjoyable as well.

@Interdimensional Observer

Spoiler

I tried to get through this one, I swear!  Like really tried.

 

If it was an epic it'd be great- though the word count kind of...made me skim after the first couple of paragraphs and I am not sure how it fits the theme.  This is one of those times where the story could have benefited from the 'Economy of Words' ideology.  At least in my oinion.

@Dragoncat

Spoiler

This was...

 

So freaking cute!  Like too cute for words!  Ah!  Dhdhrjsbdjak!

 

So while I'm recovering from my cuteness overload, I have noticed a couple of things-

First it's fluffy.  I like fluffy.

 

Second is I don't have a clue about Xenoblade, but I don't need to to enjoy this.  Those are the good fanfics I say because you don't have too much exposition to wade through to get to the plot.  This takes the theme and goes fluffy.  I like it XD

So yeah.  I hope it wasn't too harsh.  *hides in a corner*

Edited by TheSilentChloey
I derped
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16 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

I can't help it ? though the focus was more on Robin than Grima this time, I guess that counts for something right?  Though I guess I could have made it clearer that, yes it was Future Past Robin and yes the Awakening Robin.  However that said I think this was one of those things where I kind of wanted to try something a bit different from my normal writing style and it didn't want to be that different.  Though I wouldn't call it stale by any means.

I see. I'm glad you don't seem to feel offended or anything by what I said. But the focus is more on Robin? It looked more like it was from Grima's point of view...oh wait, I must be thinking of that other thing you posted, I got them mixed up because both involve babies. Damn, my mistake, you're right. >_<

16 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

I suppose I could say something about this being the second Robin x Frederick entry we've seen from you and call to dock points on that alone but I'm not willing to do that.

Good, given that such an act would be ridiculous, imo, after how many Grima entries you've done. No offense, really.

16 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Something to combat that I've had to learn is called an "Economy of Words" (don't you just love how English teachers go short stories are meant to be short, but essays are not) which simply put means using the fewest words necessary to describe scenes and move the story along but not at the expense of the reader's understanding (because I derped and forgot to say it when writing this).

 

Something I've tried for the sake of the reader- failed a fair bit of that too since A Dragon's First Mission missed the mark entirely- it's not a point against your piece but something to bare in mind while writing.

 

With Fanfiction you can afford to take some short cuts- though I would not adivse that for an original work- we know Frederick likes to over do things, but I'm kind of tired of that characterisation of him.  It's litterally all he has in most fanfics.

I'm not sure exactly what you're trying to tell me here. All I can say is that I guess drawing out the plot a bit is something I like doing. As for Frederick, his habit of overdoing things was fitting for this scenario though. And I've found plenty of fics where this habit isn't a central thing for him, though that may be because I'm a huge fan of him and actually look for fics about him. I recall you hating Frederick, so I don't imagine you really search for fics where he plays a big role?

16 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Other than that it's a sweet piece.  I found the best part was when you pulled to Frederick interacting with his family- solid gold right there.  I absolutely love it.  It was cute, it was adorable and I liked it.

This I'm glad to hear, I was hoping I did well on that bit! As I'd said, I enjoyed characterizing his family! I have to write more of them in the future!

I don't think you were harsh in any way btw. If that helps you.

Edited by Anacybele
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8 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

I see. I'm glad you don't seem to feel offended or anything by what I said. But the focus is more on Robin? It looked more like it was from Grima's point of view...oh wait, I must be thinking of that other thing you posted, I got them mixed up because both involve babies. Damn, my mistake, you're right. >_<

Good, given that such an act would be ridiculous, imo, after how many Grima entries you've done. No offense, really.

I'm not sure exactly what you're trying to tell me here. All I can say is that I guess drawing out the plot a bit is something I like doing. As for Frederick, his habit of overdoing things was fitting for this scenario though. And I've found plenty of fics where this habit isn't a central thing for him, though that may be because I'm a huge fan of him and actually look for fics about him. I recall you hating Frederick, so I don't imagine you really search for fics where he plays a big role?

This I'm glad to hear, I was hoping I did well on that bit! As I'd said, I enjoyed characterizing his family! I have to write more of them in the future!

I don't think you were harsh in any way btw. If that helps you.

I think you might have O.o though to be fair baby Lucina is freaking adorable isn't she?  Though I could see that happening.  Darn it!

 

None taken XD

 

Basically when you have a lot of stuff to read- which this comp does sort have happen- the fewer words that do the same job of description the easier it is to read the entry thus allowing the reader to draw their own conclusions about the story.  I guess it boils down to writing preferences and reading ones too.  I think something like Henry Lawson's The Loaded Dog is a great example of to the point story telling- also a personal favourite of mine- though if you're not an Aussie you won't likely have heard of him.

 

I don't hate Freddie per say- he does have some awsome fics on him and they do a lot if good for him- I'm just not keen on the Fred/Robin fics because I've never found him to appeal to me personally.  Dislike would be the word you'd be looking for here because hate is saved for Excellus and Validar.

As in if I didn't accidentally marry Chrom I would have hooked up with Henry- because Henry's the best dark mage and lots of fun where as Frederick was always the 'Gtfafm' Robin, I'll never trust you.  So it rubbed the wrong way, thus I kept clear of Fred, though I have read the supports and I still don't like it.  I think Chrom treating Robin as his equal is miles better than Frederick acting like a servant.  True that's not always a bad thing but if I ever get married, I'd want my husband to be my partner and neither of us the other's servant.  Hence why I didn't go with Fred!Morgan.  Plus some of Fred's best supports- Panne and Henry- were ones I kind of first actually took notice of Fred beyond the "I don't trust Robin" thing.  Though his support with Chrom just makes me feel sad Fred has to go to such lengths to show his loyalty.

XD I enjoyed reading the fic for the most part so it's nice to know it's something you enjoyed as well!

And thanks, I'm one if those people who just hate it when I come off too harsh.  Like really hate it.  Because I'm a massive softie irl.

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53 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Okay my turn for my least favourite part of this.  Commenting on stuff without coming across as a bitch.

10 minutes ago, jankmaster98 said:

wahts' up btiches. Ya'll still write here? I feel like trying this stuff out again. Things changed since like... crap 2-ish years from when I used to write here?

Language, folks.

2-ish years sound about right, I had to check to archive the old entries. It's a different "here," but there's still writing. I'm pretty sure the common cast is 90% different at least, though. We're glad to have anyone come flex around here, so I encourage your consideration of doing it again.

Edited by AnonymousSpeed
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Just now, jankmaster98 said:

wahts' up btiches. Ya'll still write here? I feel like trying this stuff out again. Things changed since like... crap 2-ish years from when I used to write here?

Well right now we're in the voting phase but feel free free to join in next round. The more the merrier I say.

 

44 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Way to pack the emotional punch!  I couldn't help but really feel for Inigo here.  I certainly didn't know about the headcanon but his is one of those times where it works.  And god does it work.

 

I litterally could not have had a better read at this point.

 

I also hopefully didn't miss the intent this time, and I have to say that Fates was my least favourite game, but you managed not only to make it bearable but actually enjoyable as well.

I am very happy to hear you say that. Inigo is probably my second favorite character from awakening and there's a reason for that.  Fates is a game that kinda squandered all the potential it had but it's characters are fun. Honestly my favorite part of this story that I wrote was the Inigo and Severa interactions cause it's fun to make Severa show her sweet side every now and a again. Tsundere dialogue is just a blast to write and I have no idea why.Also when did you miss the intent of my story? Was it my last one? I never got that impression. Oh well regardless I'm glad I was able to invoke the emotions I wanted to when you read it.

1 hour ago, Anacybele said:

I just did not at all like how Fates did the marriage/children system, so I chose to mostly ignore it.

Same honestly and as you can see I kinda tried to dance around the issue(which is another reason Severa worked really well for this story) and I think I did a good job with it.

I really only bother with the children if I wanna get ophelia or something cause ophelia is like one of the best mages in the game. 

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23 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

I think you might have O.o though to be fair baby Lucina is freaking adorable isn't she?  Though I could see that happening.  Darn it!

 I don't like Lucina, so I can't really care, honestly...

23 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Basically when you have a lot of stuff to read- which this comp does sort have happen- the fewer words that do the same job of description the easier it is to read the entry thus allowing the reader to draw their own conclusions about the story.  I guess it boils down to writing preferences and reading ones too.  I think something like Henry Lawson's The Loaded Dog is a great example of to the point story telling- also a personal favourite of mine- though if you're not an Aussie you won't likely have heard of him. 

Oh, I see. I suppose that's understandable, though maybe what you think is too many words and what I think is is probably different.

23 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

I don't hate Freddie per say- he does have some awsome fics on him and they do a lot if good for him- I'm just not keen on the Fred/Robin fics because I've never found him to appeal to me personally.  Dislike would be the word you'd be looking for here because hate is saved for Excellus and Validar.

As in if I didn't accidentally marry Chrom I would have hooked up with Henry- because Henry's the best dark mage and lots of fun where as Frederick was always the 'Gtfafm' Robin, I'll never trust you.  So it rubbed the wrong way, thus I kept clear of Fred, though I have read the supports and I still don't like it.  I think Chrom treating Robin as his equal is miles better than Frederick acting like a servant.  True that's not always a bad thing but if I ever get married, I'd want my husband to be my partner and neither of us the other's servant.  Hence why I didn't go with Fred!Morgan.  Plus some of Fred's best supports- Panne and Henry- were ones I kind of first actually took notice of Fred beyond the "I don't trust Robin" thing.  Though his support with Chrom just makes me feel sad Fred has to go to such lengths to show his loyalty.

XD I enjoyed reading the fic for the most part so it's nice to know it's something you enjoyed as well!

That's fair, I suppose. I hate Validar and Excellus too. They are just awful awful villains. I feel bad that the same guy who voiced Frederick also had to voice one of those two abominations (Validar).

Strange, I'm the complete opposite. I don't like Chrom instantly liking and treating Robin as a close buddy and felt that Frederick distrusting her at first was more realistic. The group JUST MET her, why would they trust her right away? Frederick is right to be skeptical at first, even if he may be a bit harsh about it. And I also felt that the distrust was a good foundation for building up a romance, because the distrust would have to grow into trust and then love and all that. I love that kind of thing. All this is why I found Frederick to be one of the few realistic and well done characters in the game/story. I also never felt like Frederick saw himself as a servant to his wife. At least not completely. He says "I vow to defend you as knight and husband" not simply "as knight" or anything like that, and he doesn't refer to his wife as milady either as far as I can tell. He says things like "my sweet" instead. Also, fun fact: Frederick's Japanese confession goes "I want to protect you... Not as a knight, but as a man." Meaning he does not see himself as his wife's servant at all in that case for sure.

Besides, even if he acted like a servant to his wife, I'd tell him to lighten up on that. XD I just love him for so many other reasons that I can look past it a bit. ?

Frederick feeling the need to go to the lengths that he does is a bit sad though, yeah. I feel bad for him sometimes. I have theorized that he has mental issues, definitely OCD at the very least. lol He even seeks help from Libra in the Summer Scramble DLC!

Ha, good to hear! ?

14 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

Same honestly and as you can see I kinda tried to dance around the issue(which is another reason Severa worked really well for this story) and I think I did a good job with it. 

I really only bother with the children if I wanna get ophelia or something cause ophelia is like one of the best mages in the game. 

Yeah, I saw that too and I actually thought it was realistic. Good job indeed!

I see, understandable.

Edited by Anacybele
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Anywho I've got more feedback to doll out

@Anacybele's "Second Time's The Charm"

Spoiler

I really enjoyed this one. It was fluffy, sweet, and all kinds of adorable. I really liked it not really much else to say here Other than maybe it did drag a little bit but that's very small nitpick.

@Dragoncat's "Biological Rhythm"

Spoiler

Ok this was very fluffy and cute but there was really no plot... Like things just kinda happened without really any connecting thread. I dunno it just kind of felt like just a random mix of different events that were just kinda smooshed together into a story without really any relation to one another. I've said this to ana but when writing a story every story beat or plot point should be connected with a "but" or a "therefore/so" rather an "and then". Other than that it was pretty cute.

 

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8 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

Ok this was very fluffy and cute but there was really no plot... Like things just kinda happened without really any connecting thread. I dunno it just kind of felt like just a random mix of different events that were just kinda smooshed together into a story without really any relation to one another. I've said this to ana but when writing a story every story beat or plot point should be connected with a "but" or a "therefore/so" rather an "and then". Other than that it was pretty cute.

I can see this, but I also point out that the beginning bit and the ending bit both involve Dickson so those are connected at least? I admit Shreds was kinda smooshed in there for some lols.

2 hours ago, TheSilentChloey said:

This was...

 

So freaking cute!  Like too cute for words!  Ah!  Dhdhrjsbdjak!

 

So while I'm recovering from my cuteness overload, I have noticed a couple of things-

First it's fluffy.  I like fluffy.

 

Second is I don't have a clue about Xenoblade, but I don't need to to enjoy this.  Those are the good fanfics I say because you don't have too much exposition to wade through to get to the plot.  This takes the theme and goes fluffy.  I like it XD

As fluffy as Riki! Yep.

I will read and do stuff tomorrow.

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17 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

I really enjoyed this one. It was fluffy, sweet, and all kinds of adorable. I really liked it not really much else to say here Other than maybe it did drag a little bit but that's very small nitpick.

OMG thanks! ^^ Glad you thought it was so cute! I see though, that's fine, Chloey kinda said the same thing anyway.

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4 hours ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

Language, folks.

2-ish years sound about right, I had to check to archive the old entries. It's a different "here," but there's still writing. I'm pretty sure the common cast is 90% different at least, though. We're glad to have anyone come flex around here, so I encourage your consideration of doing it again.

First thing I get here is a chastisement, I can tell imma have a bitching time. Word to the wise, 

Spoiler

 

"Per the word of a Global Moderator, keep the moderating to the moderators. Bitch."


 

 

4 hours ago, Ottservia said:

Well right now we're in the voting phase but feel free free to join in next round. The more the merrier I say.

Thanks, I'll see what's up here first this round and maybe give some thoughts. when does the next writing round start? 

Edited by jankmaster98
stuff Idk
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9 hours ago, jankmaster98 said:

when does the next writing round start? 

Looking at the rules of the competition, in five days the votes shall be tallied up a winner chosen -provided the '80s counting machine doesn't break down. After that, the winner has a week to decide the next prompt, and then the next two-week writing period begins.

Another entrant for a now-fresh mind would be welcome, Dragon-Daimyo of the Saber and Dual Pistols. 

 

 

...I'll get to my reviews of my fellow four writers by tonight. I guess if everyone votes sooner, then we could start the next round sooner. Assuming non-entrants can't vote. This is only my second time participating in this.

Edited by Interdimensional Observer
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53 minutes ago, Interdimensional Observer said:

Assuming non-entrants can't vote. This is only my second time participating in this.

I think it’s assumed that anyone can vote so long as it’s within the timeframe.

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21 hours ago, jankmaster98 said:

First thing I get here is a chastisement

I didn't mean any offense by it. It was just supposed to be a tongue and cheek way to express how I felt communication in this thread would best be handled, and I apologize if my attempt to do so came across as abrasive, reactionary, crass, disrespectful, uncivilized, condescending, condemning, self-righteous, hypocritical, or in some way an attempt to exercise authority I don't have.

***

I've only read @TheSilentChloey's entry so that's the only one I'll comment on for now.

Spoiler

It's not really a Grima piece, which is good. While being able to focus on a consistent cast is good, going out of your comfort zone, even a little, is important for improvement. That said, it is a bit drifting, and the floatiness of it means it can't become too engaging to read.

Using healers as a substitute for doctors with weird non-wound-related functions is cool.

On 5/15/2019 at 10:19 PM, TheSilentChloey said:

The quiet light of the morning filtered through the window as a certain familiar white haired figure lay sprawled across the desk, eyes closed, breathing deep and even.  The candles to his right burned down to stubbs hours ago, ink pot precariously balanced on the edge of the table upon which the man was sleeping. Books were also equally precariously balanced on the table, stacked alarmingly high, if one wasn't familiar with the sleeping albino.

Also is unnecessary here. The clauses are already linked by their proximity. Some of the conjunctions are a little clunky, I'd specifically like to point out how the formal and long "however" can feel a bit awkward in the context of this story.

On 5/15/2019 at 10:19 PM, TheSilentChloey said:

His chocolate coloured eyes wide as he blinked in the early morning light.  He made a few more blinks as he tried to figure out if he was dreaming or not.  He smiled when he spotted her and she could see that even in the clutches of sleep Robin was still aware of what was going on.  “Morning love.” Robin's tone was sheepish and she knew he'd just woke. The crimson flush across his face was all the evidence she needed and Lucina smiled.

“I see that you're awake now.” Lucina giggled softly and Robin chuckled,

There's three separate ways of saying that Robin woke up in this brief segment. It could and should be parred down to two. Economy of Words, yes?

 

Edited by AnonymousSpeed
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17 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

I didn't mean any offense by it. It was just supposed to be a tongue and cheek way to express how I felt communication in this thread would best be handled, and I apologize if my attempt to do so came across as abrasive, reactionary, crass, disrespectful, uncivilized, condescending, condemning, self-righteous, hypocritical, or in some way an attempt to exercise authority I don't have.

S'all good, tone is hard to discern on the internet after all. I might've come off more than a little caustic in my reply too. Anyway, I do look forward to writing here. Best way to get better as a writer is to practice and such. 

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18 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

I didn't mean any offense by it. It was just supposed to be a tongue and cheek way to express how I felt communication in this thread would best be handled, and I apologize if my attempt to do so came across as abrasive, reactionary, crass, disrespectful, uncivilized, condescending, condemning, self-righteous, hypocritical, or in some way an attempt to exercise authority I don't have.

***

I've only read @TheSilentChloey's entry so that's the only one I'll comment on for now.

  Hide contents

It's not really a Grima piece, which is good. While being able to focus on a consistent cast is good, going out of your comfort zone, even a little, is important for improvement. That said, it is a bit drifting, and the floatiness of it means it can't become too engaging to read.

Using healers as a substitute for doctors with weird non-wound-related functions is cool.

Also is unnecessary here. The clauses are already linked by their proximity. Some of the conjunctions are a little clunky, I'd specifically like to point out how the formal and long "however" can feel a bit awkward in the context of this story.

There's three separate ways of saying that Robin woke up in this brief segment. It could and should be parred down to two. Economy of Words, yes?

 

Point taken XD and I had a feeling that might need some work for next time.

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On 5/28/2019 at 11:52 PM, jankmaster98 said:

S'all good, tone is hard to discern on the internet after all. I might've come off more than a little caustic in my reply too. Anyway, I do look forward to writing here. Best way to get better as a writer is to practice and such. 

Not a problem, glad to hear it's all smoothed over. I'm sure we're all looking forward to seeing a new style in the competition.

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5 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

So with all the site maintenance who votes we extend the voting period by a day or two? I think that’d be a good idea

Agreed.

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@Dragoncat

Quite lighthearted, and enjoyable for it I can see. The titular nameplay is a silly spin fitting for the rest but not enough of Bone... Upper!-My rifle is getting hotter-1, 2, 3!-Eat this electric round!-Oh yeah baby!- I need to cool off!-Sword Drive!. An ordinary scenario, but that can work for a comic and optimistic entry.

@Anacybele

Light as well, and the cheeriness is good. Quite the detailed set of fanficted OCs, a sign of your creative passion, (you really do love your Freddy). Lengthy, but it does flow better than my own, even longer work.

@Ottservia

Different from the rest of the entries here with its use of bloodshed and the seriousness and sorrows it brings. Sometimes that helps, being the whipped cream and berries amid savory steaks (although.you're the blackened shrimp here and the rest are more like the creme patisserie).

Contrast within a work keeps things from monotony. I also like a good baby name story, so that was a particularly sweet moment. I'm not at all familiar with most of the Awakening and Fates characters beyond their names and little summary blurbs, but this was a nice work and the characters were likable.

Romance isn't usually my forte either, so you're not alone on that here.

@TheSilentChloey

Fairly short and readable. A dash of humor, amid good family feels and a hint of seriousness in the Morgan warp. I actually remember seeing on a food show once a couple ordered a cake with a baby riding a surfboard on a wave on it- a conception cake representing the place where it happened- Hawaii.

I don't mind a lengthy timeskip or two, as long as things aren't too scattered. Can in some situations be better than relaying the same information as expose.

If you wanted to pick a term other than "healer" that isn't "doctor", although Medieval Europe did have those as those beaked mask plague doctor indicate, "apothecary" might have sufficed. A dealer in herbs and other plants treating all sorts of ailments, not as "trained" as a medieval doctor, but still relied on medical specialists for centuries and you better name them Alfyn.

 

Also, to summarize what I had written in a tanka.:

Spoiler

Oifey and Shannan,

meet in Rivough. Patty is

pregnant, a quandary.

The two talk their parenthood,

a cherished past to endure.

(A tanka is 5-7-5-7-7 for syllables per line, a longer haiku.)

Just so you can get the gist of what it was about.

 

On 5/20/2019 at 11:23 PM, Ottservia said:

There were also a couple scenes I wanted put in here but chose to cut due to wanting to keep it brief so if anyone wants me to post a "director's cut" of this so to speak then let me know.

Go ahead if you want to. I was considering posting a laundry list of explanations of things big and small behind the choices I made in my entry. Not to judge it based on them, but just for the curious.

 

And I'll concur on the extension. Who even knows if this site will need more work? 

A small boon of the site's upgrades and fixes, desktop users now have easier access to emojis! They can now be accessed from the toolbar where the site-exclusive ones are located. Yay! ?:itsame:  

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6 minutes ago, Interdimensional Observer said:

Quite lighthearted, and enjoyable for it I can see. The titular nameplay is a silly spin fitting for the rest but not enough of Bone... Upper!-My rifle is getting hotter-1, 2, 3!-Eat this electric round!-Oh yeah baby!- I need to cool off!-Sword Drive!. An ordinary scenario, but that can work for a comic and optimistic entry.

I'm not getting what you're saying is "nameplay" here, do you just mean the title?

The battle banter in Xenoblade is glorious for sure. And as for the exact thing I think you're insinuating...look at the AU I linked to for the answer to that. It's in the spoiler under the story.

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28 minutes ago, Interdimensional Observer said:

Light as well, and the cheeriness is good. Quite the detailed set of fanficted OCs, a sign of your creative passion, (you really do love your Freddy). Lengthy, but it does flow better than my own, even longer work.

Yes, I adore him. ❤️ Couldn't not create his family, especially since we barely hear about Frederick's history at all out of all those supports and stuff that he gets due to Awakening's system. All we get is that he lived in a village in the hills, his family somehow has traditionally served the royal family for generations despite that, he was attacked by a wolf when he was a kid, and Nowi reminds him of his mother. xP And even then I think those first two are a bit contradictory because how did his folks serve the royals from so far away? Did they just often leave the village to become knights and retainers? I'd have thought most of them were from noble families like Sully, especially the ones who served the royals directly like Frederick does. I was able to work around it by having Frederick's dad be a former knight who left his post due to not agreeing with the decisions of Chrom's father, and so his family fled to that village during the former Exalt's war-hungry escapades, but it would've been much less complicated for IS to just be like "dad was a knight from a noble family living in the capital who were retainers for the royal family for generations, raised his son to follow in his footsteps" and yadda yadda. Though what I came up with is more dramatic and could still be more interesting anyway.

Thanks! ^^

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