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SF's "Write Your Butt Off" Competition HD II.5 Remix


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22 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

Time to return the favor you did for me with critique by giving you some! Not bad for an obvious choice for this prompt. I liked how you expanded upon the idea of Robin sacrificing himself to kill Grima. There were some grammar errors, but overall, I don't see any glaring flaws. I can't say I saw anything particularly spectacular about it either though, it was just an overall good read, and was definitely better than what Awakening actually gave us.

Yeah Grammar just isn't my strong suit but thanks. Actually what I was doing in this piece was expanding on the general idea of Robin's sacrifice from awakening. The general idea of Robin's sacrifice is being able to overcome the mistakes of your past which is what Grima represents. Grima represents the mistakes of Robin's past that's why he's continuously taunting Robin with "We are one and the same" cause he believes you can't overcome your past self as it were. This idea can be found within the game's original text. I just expanded on that idea and made it more blunt. The idea I was trying to get across is that whether you like it or not your past is a part of you. That is the truth and you have to accept that. As much as you want to deny it that is the truth. You don't overcome the past by running away from that truth nor by letting others defeat it for you. You have to face your past self by yourself. You have to accept that truth and truly correct the mistakes of your past to create a brighter future. In other words you have to face yourself in order to overcome your doubts and mistakes. I tried to present Robin and Grima as one and the same cause they kind of are and it is only accepting that truth that Robin(by sacrificing himself) is able to achieve peace for everyone including himself. I actually thought I made that message a little too blunt in the end.

Edited by Ottservia
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1 minute ago, Ottservia said:

Yeah Grammar just isn't my strong suit but thanks. Actually what I was doing in this piece was expanding on the general idea of Robin's sacrifice from awakening. The general idea of Robin's sacrifice is being able to overcome the mistakes of your past which is what Grima represents. Grima represents the mistakes of Robin's past that's why he's continuously taunting Robin with "We are one and the same" cause he believes you can't overcome your past self as it were. This idea can be found within the game's original text. I just expanded on that idea and made it more blunt. The idea I was trying to get across is that whether you like it or not your past is a part of you. That is the truth and you have to accept that. As much as you want to deny it that is the truth. You don't overcome the past by running away from that truth nor by letting others defeat it for you. You have to face your past self by yourself. You have to accept that truth and truly correct the mistakes of your past to create a brighter future. In other words you have to face yourself in order to overcome your doubts and mistakes. I tried to present Robin and Grima as one and the same cause they kind of are and it is only accepting that truth that Robin(by sacrificing himself) is able to achieve peace for everyone including himself. I actually thought I made that message a little too blunt in the end.

Uh, isn't that what I said you did? Sorry, I'm confused again.

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Just now, Anacybele said:

Uh, isn't that what I said you did? Sorry, I'm confused again.

You said that I guess I just wanted an excuse to explain the thought I put into writing it sorry about that

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Just now, Ottservia said:

You said that I guess I just wanted an excuse to explain the thought I put into writing it sorry about that

Oh, okay, no big deal then. 😛 I understand anyway!

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I'll give a more general feedback while I'm still collecting my thoughts.

 

First and foremost it's interesting to see that just about everyone went dark with the theme- which is on one hand understandable because it can be taken that way.  Sacrifice I suppose is one of those things that mostly tends to be dark, but there are also lighter tones that can be taken as well, i.e people giving their time and/or money for charity etc, but I guess that's just how the bun rolls XD

 

Obviously I tried to make my non entry a bit lighter but still keep to theme.  Because I needed to write some fluff.

 

Personal feedback will come soon, I hope.  Especially since there were some top quality pieces in this round.  Way to push out if the comfort zone guys 😄

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50 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

First and foremost it's interesting to see that just about everyone went dark with the theme- which is on one hand understandable because it can be taken that way.  Sacrifice I suppose is one of those things that mostly tends to be dark, but there are also lighter tones that can be taken as well, i.e people giving their time and/or money for charity etc, but I guess that's just how the bun rolls XD

I mean one of my original ideas was to write a story about Severa forcing her boyfriend(I couldn’t figure out who I wanted it to probably Inigo again) to just buy her stuff like the himedere she is and then it was gonna turn all sweet in the end but I just couldn’t get it to work so eh.

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A new phone and time to spill the beans with feedback- as best I can of course.

@Anacybele

Spoiler

I'll say this out right-

Holy shit (please excuse language), this packed a real emotional punch.  This is definitely one of your more shorter entries, however I find it to be much easier to read than some of your earlier works- mostly because the size of said entries are a bit daunting to read in a limited time frame.

 

As Otts said, there are minor parts where the POV characters are confused somewhat, it probably would have been better focusing on Bryce's or Susan's POV in third person- though to be fair it's a minor detail that I felt didn't really detract from this story.

All in all thank you for the amazing read Ana, you've improved a lot from your first entry.

@Ottservia

Spoiler

(Minus points for Robin x Cordelia.  I'm sorry but it's one of the Robin ships I personally don't like)

Okay that aside:

I liked it.  Despite my least fave ship for M!Robin, I liked it, and I saw straight away where you were going with it.  Very well done!

 

Thanks for the amazing read.

@DarthR0xas

Spoiler

Short, but easily followed for someone who hasn't played Elibe.  Everyone else has said pretty much what I would have said, so I won't beat a dead horse.  It was a clever use of the theme.

@SoulWeaver

Spoiler

Really well fleshed out.  I like how the story progressed and it was a different kind of sacrifice, still a dark take on the theme, but not in a bad way.  This was my favourite piece of the round.

@TheSilentChloey

Spoiler

Okay, so I'm not sure if anyone noticed but there were a few sacrifices in this piece that I hoped stood out, from Claire donating her time to the local food van, to her teacher who gave up a multi million dollar career to Theresa giving up her family to stay with her girlfriend.  Various types of sacrifices that the story touches upon and I had rushed it a little bit.  I didn't realise I forgot to explain who was talking to Claire in the beginning there- her brother who I haven't named yet.  I'm not sure if this will be something I might work on to possibly publish one day or if it will go with my original short story collections.

 

Still I hope it wasn't too difficult to follow and take the theme in a more fluffy direction

@jankmaster98

Spoiler

Ah, history.  My favourite subject.

I am glad I got to see your entry, it was very informative and a well woven narrative.  There was no room for confusion at all.

In summery, thank you to everyone.  You all made some top notch work and it was a pleasure to see you all push out of your comfort zones like this.  I hope that this experience makes you stronger writers.  🙂

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24 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

I'll say this out right-

Holy shit (please excuse language), this packed a real emotional punch.  This is definitely one of your more shorter entries, however I find it to be much easier to read than some of your earlier works- mostly because the size of said entries are a bit daunting to read in a limited time frame.

 

As Otts said, there are minor parts where the POV characters are confused somewhat, it probably would have been better focusing on Bryce's or Susan's POV in third person- though to be fair it's a minor detail that I felt didn't really detract from this story.

All in all thank you for the amazing read Ana, you've improved a lot from your first entry.

That emotionalism was the intent and I'm glad I pulled that off! And yeah, I understand since Ottservia pointed that out. Though Susan's point of view would've had to change up a lot of things because the ending is after she's dead, so I'd have had to stick with Bryce's point of view if I picked between the two. But I wanted to show the way all the characters are reacting and dealing with or planning to deal with the loss of their loved one, put the reader in all their heads, so yeah. xP

Well, considering that my first entry for this contest technically was years ago, I would hope so! lol

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6 hours ago, TheSilentChloey said:

(Minus points for Robin x Cordelia.  I'm sorry but it's one of the Robin ships I personally don't like)

Okay that aside:

I liked it.  Despite my least fave ship for M!Robin, I liked it, and I saw straight away where you were going with it.  Very well done!

 

Thanks for the amazing read.

Hey I will fight you on the RobinxCordelia thing cause it is best OTP and I defy anyone to convince me otherwise of that fact. In all seriousness though the reason I like that ship is because it kind of expands on the "two halves" kinda relationship between Robin and Chrom as well as further developing the already pretty good foil relationship between Lucina and Severa. I could go on all day about why I think both those ships just work so well but to keep it brief the supports are good and RobinxCordelia acts as a great foil to ChromxSumia in literally every way and it just adds so much nuance to the character interactions between the two families. God I just love that ship. Anyway thanks for the kind words.

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6 hours ago, Ottservia said:

Hey I will fight you on the RobinxCordelia thing cause it is best OTP and I defy anyone to convince me otherwise of that fact. In all seriousness though the reason I like that ship is because it kind of expands on the "two halves" kinda relationship between Robin and Chrom as well as further developing the already pretty good foil relationship between Lucina and Severa. I could go on all day about why I think both those ships just work so well but to keep it brief the supports are good and RobinxCordelia acts as a great foil to ChromxSumia in literally every way and it just adds so much nuance to the character interactions between the two families. God I just love that ship. Anyway thanks for the kind words.

 

I just don't like Robin with Cordelia personally, but each to their own.

 

That said M!Robin/Lucina is my M!Robin ship of choice partly because Morgan gets to be a little top tier goddess and partly because of the emotional impact in the middle of the story you can only truly get when Robin's Lucy's husband.  Or conversely F!Robin as Lucina's mother...

 

Though to be fair I never really liked Cordelia that much tbh.  I tend to pair her with Virion or Gregor (because the personalized conversation between Severa and Gregor just sinches it for me).  And I never pair Chrom with Sumia, it's the biggest no go.  So he usually either gets Robin or Maribelle XP wjile Sumia gets Fred or more often than not Henry because she's one of his better wives (discounting Tharja, naturally).

11 hours ago, Anacybele said:

That emotionalism was the intent and I'm glad I pulled that off! And yeah, I understand since Ottservia pointed that out. Though Susan's point of view would've had to change up a lot of things because the ending is after she's dead, so I'd have had to stick with Bryce's point of view if I picked between the two. But I wanted to show the way all the characters are reacting and dealing with or planning to deal with the loss of their loved one, put the reader in all their heads, so yeah. xP

Well, considering that my first entry for this contest technically was years ago, I would hope so! lol

I actually meant a more recent entry XD but yeah, I'm glad the feedback wasn't too harsh.  It's something I try to avoid as much as possible.

Edited by TheSilentChloey
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15 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

I just don't like Robin with Cordelia personally, but each to their own.

 

That said M!Robin/Lucina is my M!Robin ship of choice partly because Morgan gets to be a little top tier goddess and partly because of the emotional impact in the middle of the story you can only truly get when Robin's Lucy's husband.  Or conversely F!Robin as Lucina's mother...

 

Though to be fair I never really liked Cordelia that much tbh.  I tend to pair her with Virion or Gregor (because the personalized conversation between Severa and Gregor just sinches it for me).  And I never pair Chrom with Sumia, it's the biggest no go.  So he usually either gets Robin or Maribelle XP wjile Sumia gets Fred or more often than not Henry because she's one of his better wives (discounting Tharja, naturally).

Huh, it seems that anything you dislike in Awakening, I like and vice versa. I hate the Chrom/Robin ship and don't care for male Robin with Lucina either, partly because of the very scene you mentioned (I feel it hurts Lucina's character, honestly) and mostly because of the Chrom/female Robin support conversations.

I don't like Sumia, especially with Frederick. I feel their support, while is actually written fairly well for a romance, did nothing for their characters and just bored me. The S support though, is actually great. And what also just turns me off from them is of course Sumia herself who is unbelievably stupid. How does she not know a slap from a punch or a flower from a weed? Frederick deserves much better than that.

And I like Cordelia, she's one of my favorite characters in the game because I relate to her so much. She has all this talent, but hates being praised for it and stuff, and I'm kind of like that. She's kinda flat chested, and I am too. And she has unrequited love, something I think a lot of us have gone through. Also, she was valuable as a unit in my playthroughs.

And I also remember that you dislike Frederick and I'm of course absolutely in love with him. XD

At least we have Henry x Sumia in common here, I guess? 😛

I just felt that these opposites here were kinda funny.

20 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

I actually meant a more recent entry XD but yeah, I'm glad the feedback wasn't too harsh.  It's something I try to avoid as much as possible. 

Oh, you must not have known that I entered a few of these contests way back when it first started. XD But I see, that's understandable, I try not to be harsh too.

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No one is noticing my Persona 4 references and that's disappointing(in more ways than one). oh well what can ya do?

Edited by Ottservia
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6 hours ago, Ottservia said:

No one is noticing my Persona 4 references and that's disappointing(in more ways than one). oh well what can ya do?

In my case I don't even know what Persona 4 actually is so...sorry references fall flat to me.

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19 hours ago, Anacybele said:

And I like Cordelia, she's one of my favorite characters in the game because I relate to her so much. She has all this talent, but hates being praised for it and stuff, and I'm kind of like that. She's kinda flat chested, and I am too. And she has unrequited love, something I think a lot of us have gone through. Also, she was valuable as a unit in my playthroughs.

To quote her daughter:
"She's as flat as an undented kite shield...at long last, Severa comes out on top! I've finally bested her in SOMETHING!"
-From the Hot Spring Scramble, paraphrased slightly
Pretty much the entirety of Cordy's boobage comes from that chestplate - it comes up at least twice more in the DLC. If anything, you're probably bigger than her, for whatever that might be worth.

19 hours ago, Ottservia said:

No one is noticing my Persona 4 references and that's disappointing(in more ways than one). oh well what can ya do?

Sorry man, my experience with Persona stems from the Game Theory video and Joker being in Smash, definitely lost on me.

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14 minutes ago, SoulWeaver said:

To quote her daughter:
"She's as flat as an undented kite shield...at long last, Severa comes out on top! I've finally bested her in SOMETHING!"
-From the Hot Spring Scramble, paraphrased slightly
Pretty much the entirety of Cordy's boobage comes from that chestplate - it comes up at least twice more in the DLC. If anything, you're probably bigger than her, for whatever that might be worth.

Given the art she's gotten in Heroes, nah. I'm flatter. Especially since I'm also shorter than her. Cordy looks to be fairly tall for a female. I'm aware that some characters in Heroes who got different artists for their versions have had some variation in their body proportions and such (female Robin is a good example here), but Cordelia's been consistently drawn with just a somewhat flat chest, not entirely flat, and she's had two different artists. Severa's just exaggerating to make a point here.

Edited by Anacybele
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1 minute ago, Anacybele said:

Given the art she's gotten in Heroes, nah. I'm flatter. Especially since I'm also shorter than her. Cordy looks to be fairly tall for a female.

...You underestimate my willingness to argue on ridiculous subjects, ESPECIALLY where Cordelia's concerned.
OG Cordy is of course wearing the infamous Chestplate Of Compensation(+10 Charisma when interacting with Male NPCs), so I don't need to address that. She basically outright states in the Summer Scramble she's willing to stuff socks into a swimsuit if necessary, so I assume that's the reasoning Bridelia appears to have a bust. Shaky logic, but it's Heroes, so sue me. Summer Cordy literally doesn't even have a cleavage line, and even if you go look at the CG from the Scramble map, she's clearly smushing her breasts up resulting in them appearing bigger, though in this instance I suppose you could use the Dark Magician Girl Censorship as an argument for the Heroes artwork. As for her height, of course we don't have canon heights for Awakening unless I somehow missed them, but if you look at the Confession Image from Awakening something's clearly up as she'd have to be much taller than Robin(who'd also have to be a shorty) for her to reach this height compared to him while kneeling, and for her to be this tall compared to Robin while standing she'd have to be quite short and he'd have to be rather tall. Apparently someone theorized Robin was standing on a box at the time, which I guess would work but it seems a bit weird to me.
...To clarify, I'm not trying to argue to be rude, I'm just VERY particular about Cordelia - consider it similar to your love of Freddy, if that makes it any more understandable.

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16 minutes ago, SoulWeaver said:

...You underestimate my willingness to argue on ridiculous subjects, ESPECIALLY where Cordelia's concerned.
OG Cordy is of course wearing the infamous Chestplate Of Compensation(+10 Charisma when interacting with Male NPCs), so I don't need to address that. She basically outright states in the Summer Scramble she's willing to stuff socks into a swimsuit if necessary, so I assume that's the reasoning Bridelia appears to have a bust. Shaky logic, but it's Heroes, so sue me. Summer Cordy literally doesn't even have a cleavage line, and even if you go look at the CG from the Scramble map, she's clearly smushing her breasts up resulting in them appearing bigger, though in this instance I suppose you could use the Dark Magician Girl Censorship as an argument for the Heroes artwork. As for her height, of course we don't have canon heights for Awakening unless I somehow missed them, but if you look at the Confession Image from Awakening something's clearly up as she'd have to be much taller than Robin(who'd also have to be a shorty) for her to reach this height compared to him while kneeling, and for her to be this tall compared to Robin while standing she'd have to be quite short and he'd have to be rather tall. Apparently someone theorized Robin was standing on a box at the time, which I guess would work but it seems a bit weird to me.
...To clarify, I'm not trying to argue to be rude, I'm just VERY particular about Cordelia - consider it similar to your love of Freddy, if that makes it any more understandable.

Hey, you think what you will. I'm still of the opinion that Severa is exaggerating somewhat, and that feels in character for her to do too. That confession image, I really have no idea why there appears to be a big height difference between Cordelia and Robin when the former is consistently drawn to be fairly tall while the latter is consistently drawn to not be real tall. I like to just say that the Robin in this image is the tallest version from Awakening and not the Robin we see in Heroes and stuff.

Also, you can't see my chest, I can. I know how flat I am and I am no bigger chested than she is. The one thing I don't like about her is that she's constantly characterized as hating her flat chest and feels pressured to make it look bigger than it is, like it's an abomination to be flat chested, while a lot of other females are typically drawn with big busts or reasonably sized busts at least. The only popular female I can think of besides Cordelia that's flat is Lucina. And even then, some bustier females are more popular still (like Lyn, possibly Camilla and others too).

I guess I just feel like that given the media I see most often, the message about women's chests is "flat chest is ugly, big chest is sexy!" and it hurts me...

I know you're not being rude, don't worry. I'm not trying to be rude either, btw. Just giving my viewpoint.

Edited by Anacybele
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5 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

I guess I just feel like that given the media I see most often, the message about women's chests is "flat chest is ugly, big chest is sexy!" and it hurts me...

first of all you've been hanging out with the wrong crowd if you think that is the case. Flat is justice after all(Taiga is best girl just putting that out there)

7 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

Also, you can't see my chest, I can. I know how flat I am and I am no bigger chested than she is. The one thing I don't like about her is that she's constantly characterized as hating her flat chest and feels pressured to make it look bigger than it is, like it's an abomination to be flat chested, while a lot of other females are typically drawn with big busts or reasonably sized busts at least. The only popular female I can think of besides Cordelia that's flat is Lucina. And even then, some bustier females are more popular still (like Lyn, possibly Camilla and others too).

Speaking from a guy's perspective I personally find it to be a little cute if anything. I dunno it's hard to explain. Personally I like that aspect of her character makes her feel little more realistic and grounded. It builds off the perfectionist aspect of her character in a sort of fun quirky way. Like I said it's hard to explain. I dunno I think the general idea with that aspect of her character is to say that she doesn't need a big chest to be attractive or 'perfect' and that she's fine just the way she is. I mean going off what the rest of her character stands for through her supports that seems to be the idea.

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24 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

first of all you've been hanging out with the wrong crowd if you think that is the case. Flat is justice after all(Taiga is best girl just putting that out there)

Not really. So many anime and cartoon girls are drawn busty, not many are flat. As someone that watches a lot of cartoons and has heard of a lot of anime (not watched a lot, but I don't have to in order to see clip thumbnails on Youtube or screenshots every now and then), I should know.

Models seem to be encouraged to be thin and have a nice chest.

When I shop for bras, it's very hard to find any that fit me right because I'm short and flattish, but not so flat that I don't need one. Size 34 is rare, and A cup seems to be rarer still. Girls bras are a thing and have those sizes, but they're often too tight for me because I'm kind of in that spot where a lot of adult clothes will be too big and when it comes to girls, I can only fit the biggest sizes available (not counting girls plus). The biggest bra sizes are the most common.

Finding nice womens/juniors shirts is an issue too because of my chest. Many of those shirts have those ugly v-necks which are designed with the assumption that women are at least somewhat busty. Being flat, I can't fill the shirt and the v-neck ends up going too far down on my chest and it looks bad, not to mention I'm overexposing. I don't find many women's and juniors shirts that have regular neck lines.

And lastly and what should be the most obvious: females are automatically sexualized when drawn with bigger busts and all. Nobody really considers a flat female to be sexualized, or at least AS sexualized.

I'm not saying that people who don't mind flat chests don't exist. But the majority of society definitely prefers bustiness. I myself even would prefer a somewhat bigger chest over my flat one, so in that sense, I don't blame Cordelia for how she feels. I just blame IS for making it such a big part of her character like it's horrible and that the player should totally agree that her chest is ugly. There's a fine line between a female simply having some self-consciousness about her appearance and just plain making her body or some part of it to be horrible.

So basically, just think about it from my point of view here, someone who actually faces challenges by being flat chested (and short).

Edited by Anacybele
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7 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

Not really. So many anime and cartoon girls are drawn busty, not many are flat. As someone that watches a lot of cartoons and has heard of a lot of anime (not watched a lot, but I don't have to in order to see clip thumbnails on Youtube or screenshots every now and then), I should know.

Models seem to be encouraged to be thin and have a nice chest.

When I shop for bras, it's very hard to find any that fit me right because I'm short and flattish, but not so flat that I don't need one. Size 34 is rare, and A cup seems to be rarer still. Girls bras are a thing and have those sizes, but they're often too tight for me because I'm kind of in that spot where a lot of adult clothes will be too big and when it comes to girls, I can only fit the biggest sizes available (not counting girls plus). The biggest bra sizes are the most common.

Finding nice womens/juniors shirts is an issue too because of my chest. Many of those shirts have those ugly v-necks which are designed with the assumption that women are at least somewhat busty. Being flat, I can't fill the shirt and the v-neck ends up going too far down on my chest and it looks bad, not to mention I'm overexposing. I don't find many women's and juniors shirts that have regular neck lines.

And lastly and what should be the most obvious: females are automatically sexualized when drawn with bigger busts and all. Nobody really considers a flat female to be sexualized, or at least AS sexualized.

I'm not saying that people who don't mind flat chests don't exist. But the majority of society definitely prefers bustiness. I myself even would prefer a somewhat bigger chest over my flat one, so in that sense, I don't blame Cordelia for how she feels. I just blame IS for making it such a big part of her character like it's horrible and that the player should totally agree that her chest is ugly. There's a fine line between a female simply having some self-consciousness about her appearance and just plain making her body or some part of it to be horrible.

I guess I'll just take your word for it then. I ain't no girl after all so I can't really speak against you here but you do make a good case. Honestly societal beauty standards are just dumb especially for women cause you know you can't really change your body in that way. Oh well I'm just gonna drop it here cause I don't wanna take this any further than it has already gone(Not to say anyone was getting particularly heated I'm just saying if this conversation continues it might end up somewhere where no one wants to be). I mean honestly one of the reasons "loli" is popular is because of the flat chest. You'd be surprised by the amount of chest variation in some harem shows.

Edited by Ottservia
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19 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

I guess I'll just take your word for it then. I ain't no girl after all so I can't really speak against you here but you do make a good case. Honestly societal beauty standards are just dumb especially for women cause you know you can't really change your body in that way. Oh well I'm just gonna drop it here cause I don't wanna take this any further than it has already gone(Not to say anyone was getting particularly heated I'm just saying if this conversation continues it might end up somewhere where no one wants to be). I mean honestly one of the reasons "loli" is popular is because of the flat chest. You'd be surprised by the amount of chest variation in some harem shows.

Technically, you can get things like breast implants, nose jobs, hell, I think it's even possible to have your ass size surgically increased. But those cost a lot of money and can even be risky health-wise. No thanks here. But women didn't choose the bodies they naturally grew up getting, so "societial beauty standards" are dumb indeed.

EDIT: Oh, on the subject of lolis, they're little girls, children. I'm not a child. So a flat chest on a child is nothing unusual. I'm a woman with a flat chest, which is different. The popularity of lolis disgusts me though, because it seems little different from being sexually attracted to children which is just gross.

Edited by Anacybele
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New prompt, new prompt! The King of the Round!

I'll try to write this time, even if it's something so terribly bad no one wants to read it.

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