SF's "Write Your Butt Off" Competition HD II.5 Remix

[Dragoncat]

8 minutes ago, Azure, Roundabouted Out said:

So, is it ok if I post my WIP here? Or would I need to post elsewhere? Since I am just posting for constructive criticism’s sake.

PM it to me.

[Anacybele]

I got an entry! This actually ended up being unusually short for me! It's my shortest piece so far. But I like how it turned out anyway. 🙂

Title: A Trick for no Treat
Fandom: The Legend of Zelda (Ocarina of Time/Majora's Mask)
Words: 2437

Spoiler

A Trick for no Treat

“May, this is so much fun!” a young cherry blonde girl, no more than ten years old, said to her similarly aged female companion. “I’m so glad our parents finally let us see the Great Hyrule Harvest festival on our own this year!”

“Yeah! I’m having a blast, Emmy!” Mayula agreed. “And I convinced my mom to let me dress up as her coolest-looking enemy!”

Emerald was garbed in a purple fairy costume, complete with fake butterfly-like wings. Mayula had a dragon costume with silver “armor” and a serrated wooden sword, also complete with fake wings and a tail. Her long dusty brown hair was pulled back into a ponytail.

The girls were reveling in the decorated and bustling Hyrule Castle Town festivities. Orange and gold streamers hung from buildings and posts, pumpkins with spooky faces carved into them lined the streets, and various vendors had come to sell and show off their harvests of fruits and vegetables. The festival attractions included apple-bobbing, haunted house walk-throughs, and contests. Many people were dressed in various costumes as well, and adults gave children candy and other sweet treats. Hyrule itself had small farms, and not a large number due to being a somewhat small kingdom, but it didn’t prevent those farms’ owners from attending or even farmers from outside the kingdom from showing up either. A few lived close by and weren’t part of any other land. They didn’t mind being called honorary Hyruleans anyway.

Both Emerald and Mayula carried buckets that matched their costumes themselves, and they were both filling up fast with treats.

“I know the Dragolfos is one of the most dangerous monsters to have ever existed, but it sure makes a great costume!” Mayula continued.

“And that cute stuffed toy we still have of it too!” Emerald agreed.

“Yeah, though even that made my mom uneasy. She doesn’t at all like being reminded of the Dragolfos and I totally get why. But at least she understands that I just want to have fun. Glad I have my dad to rub off on her! Heh heh.”

“Yeah! Though sometimes I wish my dad would take a page out of his book too. I swear, he can have fun one minute, but then turn into a complete party pooper the next!”

“Heh, well, I guess that’s just Sir Link for you. At least he does have fun sometimes, right?”

“Yeah, true.”

May soon spotted a black cat decoration sitting at one of the haunted house attractions. It had green eyes that appeared to glow and was holding its paws up as if to pounce on something.

“Ohhh! I just got an idea for the best prank to play on my dad!” she cried. “I could also play it on yours at the same time, Emmy!”

“Huh?” Emerald wondered.

Mayula then excitedly whispered something into her best friend’s ear.

“Wow,” Emerald began when Mayula was done. “I don’t know, are you sure that isn’t going a bit far? And you know how my dad is with stuff like this. Your dad might laugh until he falls over, but mine…”

“Oh, it’ll be fine! They can’t really take this one that seriously,” Mayula surmised. “First though, we have to join back up with them. It’ll be better if we can get them into that haunted house with us. Dad got me good with that jumping spider thing earlier, but I’m going to win the comedy battle this time!”

“Alright then…”

Emerald was still uneasy over the prank Mayula had suggested, but chose to take her friend’s word for it as they began looking for their parents. May loved her father’s comedic habits and dreamed of being as good at humor as he was. Emerald could only hope May knew what she was doing.

Fortunately, they found that their parents weren’t far away, browsing a vendor just a few stands down from them. The two fathers were dressed in a white bandage body suit and an outfit resembling a menacing wolf. The white bandage costume was surely a Gibdo costume, which was a monster that resembled a mummy. And the man in this outfit had a matching mask hanging on the side of his head. The wolf suit included a mask with fake wolf ears attached, fake fangs, and clawed gloves. The mothers wore a zombie outfit and a vampire suit, with the latter using a tight skirt with leggings instead of pants. As the girls approached them, Mayula’s father, the one in the werewolf costume, had spoken up.

“Okay, two pumpkins are playing a game and eventually, one of them beats the other by a good margin,” he began, with May smiling, as she knew where this was going. “The pumpkin that won then says to the other “You just got squashed!””

With that, he busted out laughing, as did the woman in the vampire outfit. Their companions chuckled as well.

“I just now came up with that,” May’s father continued.

“Ha! Nice one, Judo!” the other man complimented.

“Why thank you, Link,” Judo replied, giving a comical bow.

“Hahaha! That was really funny, Dad!” May stepped in.

“Yeah, I always forget pumpkins and squash are like each other!” Emerald added, also giggling.

“Oh, May and Emerald! Thank you too,” Judo greeted his daughter and her friend.

“I’m still surprised you didn’t dress up as a clown or jester,” the woman in the vampire costume commented with a grin.

“Heh, like I said, Kel, a werewolf is cooler,” Judo reminded her. “I’m not sure King Daphnes would’ve approved of me running around in a clown or jester outfit anyway, as funny as that would be.”

“No, my father certainly would not,” the other woman confirmed, bringing her hands to her hips. “Regardless of your skills in making others laugh.”

“Yeah, I thought so. Though Zelda, it’d only be in good fun, I’m not really becoming a jester.”

“No, but we don’t need anyone wondering how “this guy” is leader of Hyrule’s knights.”

“Heh, true enough.”

Judo then turned to Emerald and Mayula.

“So, are you girls enjoying your first time exploring the festival by yourselves?” he wondered with a big smile.

“We sure are, Dad!” May confirmed excitedly. “The haunted houses are great!”

“Yeah, Mommy, Daddy, our buckets are half full of candy too!” Emerald added. “Though I don’t really like getting scared, some of the stuff in the haunted houses was neat.”

“My favorite part was that Redead zombie that looked like he was about to eat a guy’s head right off his shoulders!” May added. “That was awesome!”

“Ugh, those always creeped me the heck out,” Link commented. “I never want to fight them again.”

“Heh, says the guy wearing a Gibdo costume,” Kelli countered. “They behaved the exact same way, you know.”

“Yeah, well, just because I thought they were the freakiest things in Hyrule history doesn’t mean I don’t think it’d be neat to dress up as one! And to be honest, I do think Gibdos looked a little less creepy.”

“Well, anyway, good to hear you both are having so much fun!” Zelda said with a smile. “You’re staying where a guard can always see you, just as you were told, I hope.”

“Yes, especially when you both have been targets in the past,” Kelli added.

“Don’t worry, Mama, we are,” Mayula assured. “But hey, can we all go check out that haunted house over there? I don’t think any of us have gone in it yet and since we’re all here now, we can go together.”

Mayula then pointed to the one with the cat decoration she had seen before.

“Oh, sure! I don’t see why not,” Judo agreed with a smile. The others were also fine with the idea and then group then made their way over to the haunted house, which was on the western side of the festival. Mayula gradually let herself fall behind the others so she could secretly approach the woman who was running the attraction and quietly ask her a small favor. The woman was happy to oblige, to May’s excitement. She then motioned Emerald to stay quiet and not draw attention to her as she executed her plan.

Meanwhile, Link, Zelda, Kelli, and Judo began exploring the first room of the house, which was filled with artificial skeletons, spiders, and cobwebs, as well as dusty-looking furniture and spooky moaning noises. More scary-faced pumpkins were present as well. Link and Judo began viewing two skeletons who were seated at a decrepit old tea table and made to appear to be sipping some tea. Zelda, Emerald, and Kelli had their backs turned as they gave their attention to another skeleton dressed like a maid. Suddenly, a moan that also sounded like a slow cat meow came up behind the men.

“Mrowww…”

Judo and Link turned around to see what was a floating white mass partly in the shape of a cat’s head and front paws and froze.

“I am the soul…of Hero… Speaking through spiritual powerrr…” the strange voice continued.

Judo jumped backward and fell to the floor.

“AAIIIIIEE!!”

“WHAT THE--?!” Link gasped.

Zelda, Emerald, and Kelli turned as well to see the two looking a little pale and Judo still on the floor. He stood up when a young feminine voice burst into laughter and the floating cat-shaped mass was gradually lowered. May was found behind a nearby door, rolling on the floor.

“OH MAN! You should’ve seen your faces!” she said between laughs.

Judo and Link could only look at each other in astonishment for a moment.

“Oh my goodness,” Zelda commented.

“Indeed,” Kelli agreed, beginning to chuckle herself.

“Seriously?!” Link finally retorted a moment later.

“Wow,” Judo said, a smile finally cracking his own features.

“Judo, did your daughter really just use her telekinetic powers to fake my cat’s death and take advantage of your fear of cats all for a prank?” Link inquired.

“Fake your cat’s death? Come on now, I wouldn’t go that far.”

“What? You don’t think she crossed the line a little here? She pretended a pet was dead and made a joke out of your phobia!”

“Oh put a sock in it. She wasn’t really trying to make you think Hero was dead! She did use my phobia though…”

“I still don’t appreciate it. Though at least I didn’t shriek like an idiot.”

“Hey! A phobia isn’t easy to deal with! My worst nightmare is probably a giant black cat with glowing green eyes that has the power to destroy anything it touches!”

“Yeah, sooo scary.”

“It completely is! And you never really got over Dark Kelli, did you? You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

“Oh, you did not just go there!”

“And point made.”

“Come on, you guys!” Kelli stepped in. “Aren’t we having fun anymore?”

“Yes, knock it off,” Zelda added. “We’re still in a festival.”

By this time, Mayula felt like tears were about to build up in her eyes.

“I…I guess you were right, Emmy,” she admitted. “Maybe I did go too far this time. I didn’t mean to make anyone mad. I’m really sorry, Dad… I was just trying to be extra funny this time…”

With that, she walked away and used her power to return the cat decoration and white sheet she’d placed over it to the woman running the haunted house.

“Huh? May, hold on,” Judo said, following his daughter. “Here, let’s talk outside so we don’t get in anyone’s way.”

“Oh, okay…”

Judo then knelt to Mayula’s level and gave her a gentle smile.

“Sorry you had to see that in there,” he apologized. “But Link and I weren’t mad at you. Or at least, Link better not be mad at you. Anyway, I know you were just answering the jumping spider from earlier. And actually, I think your prank was clever! You outdid yourself!”

“Oh, really, Dad?” May replied excitedly. “Even though I used your phobia? And I didn’t know Link would think I was trying to make him believe Hero was dead… I feel most bad about that one.”

“Definitely! Link just overreacted a little, honestly. And as for phobias…yeah, they unfortunately can be serious for some people, and you’ll need to be careful about that. With me, it’s not a problem, but for others, phobias can negatively impact their lives. And that’s something you shouldn’t joke about. There’s a time and place for everything, after all. Joke and prank responsibly, sweetheart!”

“Ha ha, yes, Dad! I feel better now.”

“Heh, that’s good! And also, I have to say I am proud of my daughter’s sense of humor!”

“Aw, thanks, Dad!”

With that, Mayula buried herself into her father’s torso for a big hug. Judo happily returned it.

As they embraced, the others followed them outside to check on them. Link spoke first.

“Hey, May, are you okay?” he wondered. “I’m sorry I took your prank the wrong way. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I guess I sometimes forget about the comedy wars you and your dad love having and that the rest of us could end up in the crossfire every now and then. Heh.”

“Oh, I’m okay after talking with my dad. Thanks!” Mayula replied with a smile.

“That’s good. But just so you know, there are still lines you should not cross when it comes to joking and pranks and I still kind of think you came too close for comfort. There are just things you shouldn’t joke about. I hope Judo told you this.”

“Oh yeah, he did, and I understand now. I will be careful!”

“Glad to hear that! And I admit, I can’t believe Judo and I got owned by a ten-year-old.”

“Well, that’s interesting, coming from you,” Zelda commented with a smirk. “Ganondorf must’ve felt the same then.”

Link’s eyes widened at the realization his wife just made him come to.

“…Damn it,” he uttered, bringing a hand to his face. He’d forgotten that he was technically ten years old when he defeated the evil Gerudo king, despite having used an adult body in the actual battle.

“OHH! And you just got owned there again, my friend!” Judo said with a goofy grin. Mayula and Emerald both giggled.

“Shut up!” Link retorted.

“Nice one, Zelda!” Kelli added with a chuckle. “Glad we’ve settled the prank issue too. Now shall we go back into the haunted house? We didn’t finish seeing all of it.”

“My pleasure,” Zelda replied with a curtsy almost as comical as one of Judo’s bows would be. “And of course!”

Notes:

Spoiler

- I created the Dragolfos years ago, actually. It's an original monster! And it's still one of my favorite old creations too.
- There's a reference to the TV show Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir in this. Specifically to Cat Noir. For those that don't know, it's Judo's line about his worst nightmare being a black cat with green eyes that can destroy anything it touches. Cat Noir is a black cat-themed superhero whose main power is Cataclysm, which allows him to destroy anything he touches. He's one of the most glorious characters ever and I love him! Fittingly, he also loves making puns and jokes, just as Judo does!
- Dark Kelli was based off of Dark Link from OoT, except I expanded on the idea to create a mirror evil version of Kelli that actually thinks and feels for herself instead of just mirroring her every move all the time. She terrified Link so much that he actually had nightmares.
- The Gibdo and Redead are monsters from Zelda: OoT and MM and look like a mummy and brown zombie respectively.
- I admit I love writing Judo and May and their comedy shenanigans. lol

 

Edited October 21, 2019 by Anacybele

[Jotari]

14 hours ago, Sweet Summer Tana said:

The von is part of the surname and denotes nobility. The translation would be "of" like the "prince of Wales". 

Or like Leonardo Da Vinci. Calling him Leonardo Vinci would be really weird. Or for another English example that isn't a title, Jesus of Nazareth, rather than Jesus Nazareth.

[Dragoncat]

8 minutes ago, Jotari said:

Or like Leonardo Da Vinci. Calling him Leonardo Vinci would be really weird. Or for another English example that isn't a title, Jesus of Nazareth, rather than Jesus Nazareth.

I see.

Well, it's a minor nitpick anyway.

[Benice]

What is yopic? I have 8 hours tp try to write something...

 

Blimey

Edited October 20, 2019 by Benice
Nevermind prev commeny

[Ottservia]

3 hours ago, Benice said:

What is yopic? I have 8 hours tp try to write something...

 

Blimey

I dunno if it's too late but the prompt was just write something holloween themed. Be it a fluffy story about the harvest festival, holloween in modern day, something horrific, It just has to be something in the spirit of Halloween  

[Benice]

1 hour ago, Ottservia said:

I dunno if it's too late but the prompt was just write something holloween themed. Be it a fluffy story about the harvest festival, holloween in modern day, something horrific, It just has to be something in the spirit of Halloween  

I guess I'll just have to join the next one, I don't think I can write anything in 3 hours or s o.

[Dragoncat]

Just now, Benice said:

I guess I'll just have to join the next one, I don't think I can write anything in 3 hours or s o.

Yeah, good idea.

[AnonymousSpeed]

So, I'm working on a story for the prompt, but I might actually refrain from submitting it. Not sure I can do everything I want in the time left and I'm feeling a bit tired. So if it's not in tonight, expect a bonus story closer to the holiday itself.

[Azure the Scale Tipper]

Darn, I missed out.
Oh well, I still have an unofficial entry. Give thoughts when you can.

A Ghost at Heart

Fandom: Fire Emblem: Three Houses

Word Count: 1,597 words

Pre-read notes

Spoiler

Some things here are based on a headcanon that Byleth is on the autistic spectrum by someone else named ahkaraii. Here are two links that lead to what I am talking about; do check them out:
https://ahkaraii.tumblr.com/post/187884535403/beleth-the-ashen-demon-or-jeralts-nightmare

https://ahkaraii.tumblr.com/post/187932684013/make-your-own-numbers-jeralt-byleth-centric

Also, minor spoilers related to Jeralt, Byleth, and Byleth’s supports with Alois.

 

Spoiler

  An autumn evening sky teemed with wyverns in migration, their screeches and roars faint to the ears of humanity below. It was a marvel of nature, though the beauty seemed to be lost to Byleth, who was counting all the wyverns above. He was comfortable with it, being seated on a log only a few yards out from town. Of course, it was not going to be long before he and his father moved again. But it was commonplace at this point, with this happening since childhood and today being in his early teenage years.
  “Enjoying the wyverns, kid?” Byleth turned to see his father, Jeralt. The tall, scar-ridden man in orange stood at the gate into town, left wall behind him.
  “I’ve counted 54 wyverns.” Byleth said, seemingly without emotion. Inside, he was quite happy. Jeralt raised an eyebrow.
  “Well, damn kid.” Jeralt replied “I dunno you keep count of things that far off.”
  Byleth picked a coin up from his lap and showed it to Jeralt.
  “This makes ten.” Byleth informed his superior. He then put 4 other coins and 4 pebbles on the log beside him, dropping each item one by one. Jeralt simply nodded in response.
  ”I just came here because we have a little something we can do in town before we leave.” Jeralt said. Byleth then stood from his log.
  “It’s nice here, though.” Byleth replied.
  Byleth always was a reserved person. While he could talk with his father just fine, he simply decided against talking with others unless necessary. If it is not necessary, why bother? Byleth had other things he would rather do. Sometimes, this meant light conversation on his part, but other times it was simply to reply to others. And so, he liked to have some alone time. However, Jeralt seemed to care about this a little more than usual this time.
  “Well, how about we have a little bargain? Maybe some sweets?” Jeralt offered. Yes, Byleth would like that. So he nodded.
  “Then let me give you some context.” Jeralt continued. “In towns across Fódlan, there is an event known as the Harvest Festival. To celebrate the harvest of the fields in Wyvern Moon, people harvest candy that other people make or buy for themselves. Kids and adults go from house to house doing it, usually in costume. By costumes, I mean dressing up as monsters, caricatures, or even objects. Now, I was thinking we could get you a costume from a tailor in town so we can spend some time together.”
  “What about the others?” Byleth asked.
  “They’ll be out partying, drinking alcohol, all that shit. All in costume.” Jeralt replied. Byleth was not surprised; they were a rowdy bunch, likely because of Jeralt himself. He always seemed different to them. Alienated by them. Likely just the way he thought compared to everyone else, and how socially behind he was compared to them.
  Byleth thought on Jeralt’s offer, before standing up from his log.
  “We can do that.” Byleth decided. “But you need to be in costume, too.”
  Jeralt nodded a few times and cracked the crick his neck out.
  “Ok.” Jeralt said. “So let’s start with what you want to be, kid.”
  Byleth stood in silence, his head turned down to the dirt.
  “Mind if I throw some ideas out?” Jeralt asked. Byleth shook his head, to which Jeralt nodded as well.
  “Just remember that you can do something actually scary.” Jeralt threw out. “Since you are of that age.”
  Something actually scary. Was that something Byleth would want? Obviously, he did not want to be something too feminine, but he did not know what he wanted. So, he decided to look at himself. Who was he? What did he feel like, with his still heart, his lacking emotions, his reserved nature? He went through everything he heard of, but then came upon a story that one of the other mercenaries told him when he was much younger. Its subject seemed to resonate with him, so that was his decision.
  “A ghost.” Byleth said. “I want to be a ghost.”
  Jeralt seemed as though he was thinking about it a little more.
  “Alright.” Jeralt said. “How do you want to do it? Just take a white bedsheet, color in some eyes, and put it over you?”
  Byleth shook his head.
  “Then what kind of ghost do you want to be?” Jeralt asked.
  “I want to show my face.” Byleth replied. “But we can still use a sheet, I guess.”
  Jeralt looked to the sky above and nodded again.
  “Alright, we can do something like that.” Jeralt confirmed. “Now, my turn…”
  Jeralt stood in thought, before a smirk developed on his face.
  “How about a dragon?” Jeralt asked. “I’m old, and dragons are old too. Makes enough sense.”
  Byleth couldn’t help but find it amusing; Jeralt certainly did look the part. His face said nothing of it, but he liked it. He nodded in approval of Jeralt’s choice.
  Later that evening, the costumes had been finished. Byleth’s ghost costume still involved a sheet, but Byleth had ash-like powder dabbed on his face and sheet. Byleth also asked for blood-red paint around the mouth, but it resulted in him look more like an ash-faced demon. Jeralt, on the other hand, wore golden horns, green wings, and a mask resembling that of a dragon. With a bucket in Byleth’s hand, they were ready to trick others into giving candy and treating themselves afterwards.
  “How do I look, kid?” Jeralt asked his son.
  “Best for the occasion.” Byleth replied.
  Jeralt gave a small chuckle. The man seemed to be joyful that things are working out. And so, the two went out to trick-or-treat, going from house to house to get candy. Not everyone greeted them with a costume, but those who did had basic attempts at silly, scary, and cute costumes alike. The entire time, Jeralt kept his mask down, and Byleth spoke the three magic words in his usual monotone voice. Reception was warm, as they thought Byleth was adorable in getting into the role. Others just treated him like any other kid who came to them, with general joviality.
  While they were out, Jeralt asked something.
  “Why did you want to be a ghost? Just curious.”
  “I felt like one at heart.” Byleth answered. Byleth could not see his father’s face through his mask, but he could feel that Jeralt was saddened.
  Once they were done trick-or-treating, Jeralt and Byleth returned to the inn they had been staying in and poured their candy out onto the table. Flipping up his mask, Jeralt let out a sigh.
  “Do you know why I wanted to do this with you, Byleth?” Jeralt asked.
  “You wanted me to spend time with you?” Answered Byleth.
  “Well, yes, but also because these sorts of experiences will be memories you can look back on in the future.” Jeralt said.
  “But you don’t remember much, whether or not it is because you got drunk.” Byleth replied. Jeralt could not help but smirk.
  “Well...” Jeralt continued. “You always had a better memory than I did. So we’re making the best of it. And I will remember this one, because I’d never forget happy memories with my kid.” He then put his hand on Byleth’s head to ruffle his dark-teal hair.
Byleth nodded, and then he picked up a wrapped candy to consume. It was sweet, and Byleth liked things that way.
***
  “Professor?”
  Byleth snapped out of a state of being lost in thought, and replied immediately.
  “Yes, Alois?”
  “You missed a fish.” Alois said. “It looked like it was glimmering.”
  Byleth paused for a moment.
  “Shit.” Byleth cursed as he put on some bait on his fishing rod. “Sorry, I was lost in thought.”
  “That’s alright.” Alois assured. “Being hooked on thoughts is nothing to worry about.”
  Byleth smiled. He always appreciated Alois’s puns, no matter how bad. Especially with the grim war in Fódlan still raging on, anything that can make Byleth happy would be appreciated.
  As the two friends stood and fished, Byleth combed through his light green hair with his hand. He then remembered about how Jeralt dressed up as a dragon at the harvest festival that one time. And how Alois’s story of Jeralt’s secret about not aging from earlier somehow fit in.
  “You know, my father and I went trick-or-treating at a harvest festival once.” Byleth said.
  “Oh, did you?” Alois exclaimed. “Did either of you dress up?”
  “Of course.” Byleth replied. “I was a ghost, and Jeralt was a dragon. But here is the thing: he dressed up as one because they are both old.”
  “Hah! Of course he’d make a joke like that!” Alois laughed.
  “And you did say he was maybe 100 years old, yes?” Byleth continued.
  Alois raised an eyebrow; he then raised the other as joyful air blew out of his nose.
  “Well, what an interesting connection! To think the joke had multiple layers!” Alois exclaimed.
  “Just like a cake.” Said Byleth. He then looked at the bucket he had filled with fish. “Speaking of, I need to go have some tea and cake with Lysithea. I had invited her earlier today.”
  “Well, have at it.” Alois replied. “Thank you, friend.”
  “Thank you too, Alois.” Byleth thanked back.
  Father was right after all. It was good to reflect on happy memories, especially with a friend. And even though his heart still does not beat, all the happy memories with friends and comrades-in-arms helped him to feel less like the ghost he once felt like.

Post-read notes:

Spoiler

The last part takes place in the same conversation as Byleth and Alois’s B-support, and it is post-timeskip. It just takes place directly after.

 

[Dragoncat]

10 hours ago, Azure, Roundabouted Out said:

Oh well, I still have an unofficial entry. Give thoughts when you can.

This turned out great, and I really don't have much more to say other than I wish there was paragraph spacing. Autism spectrum Byleth makes a lot of sense!

Will read and review the rest later, looking forward to everyone's thoughts on mine.

[Azure the Scale Tipper]

1 hour ago, Dragoncat said:

This turned out great, and I really don't have much more to say other than I wish there was paragraph spacing. Autism spectrum Byleth makes a lot of sense!

Will read and review the rest later, looking forward to everyone's thoughts on mine.

Paragraph spacing is not really possible on mobile serenesforest, so I did what I could.

[Ottservia]

Okay so feedback time!

first up @TheSilentChloey‘s “Reflection”

Spoiler

I liked this one. It was a nice sweet yet somber story about two adults reminiscing of the old times when everything was normal and not the complete mess it is now. I really felt some sympathy for the characters and you could tell they had been through a lot by the end. It was sweet. The beginning was kinda cute and really helped emphasize the more somber moments and allowed me to connect with the characters more. Not much else to say really. It was good.

Next up is @Dragoncat‘s “The harvest trick”

Spoiler

I can basically summarize all my problems with this in one word “messy”. First of all the story was way too info dumpy in regards to character backgrounds and information. It felt more like I was reading a character bio rather than an actual story. There are much much better ways to weave exposition organically into the story without completely front loading the reader like that. Not to say “info dumpy” exposition is entirely bad but at least try to break it up somewhat. I mean the letters at the beginning were good enough to exposit all the information necessary(plus some added narration from Byleth) in regards to the current state of the world. We didn’t need three whole paragraphs of exposition for that. The same goes for explaining the relationship between Astor and Cyprin, who Eleanor was, etc. a lot of that could’ve been handled in a much more subtle and nuanced manner such as through character dialogue  Or very minor narration. For example instead of explaining in a paragraph that Eleanor is Alois’s daughter and all that stuff that came with it. Eleanor’s “hey dad” at the end would’ve been more than enough to convey all the context necessary to understand the story. The reader isn’t dumb. We don’t need all this information in order to understand who these characters are and what they’re about. Subtle hints through dialogue and character action with some slight narration is more than enough.

Secondly, there far too many characters to keep track of and not enough meaningful narration or character action to allow the reader to easily follow along. I got lost reading this because I had no idea who was where  or even what was happening cause again there weren’t enough context clues to help me discern that. The character interaction and dialogue itself was actually pretty good but the plot was just so hard to follow with so many characters and things happening all at once.

Really when you didn’t need to explain things you overly explained it and when you did need to explain things better you didn’t. That’s the best way to summarize it anyway. Anyway, I apologize if I was overly negative or came off as harsh but I feel pointing out these flaws will genuinely help you improve. And for what it’s worth I did enjoy the characters and their interactions. I just feel you could’ve done a better job of making the plot flow a little better.

Anyway that’s all I have time for as of now. Will put out the rest of my feedback when I have the time.

[Dragoncat]

@Ottservia

You got me there. The info dump was mainly for someone who reads my stuff but doesn't play the source. I admit it needed more of a plot flow.

As for yours, it was sad for sure, but maybe it would benefit from a flashback showing the magical girls hanging out as friends, something to cement their friendship to the reader.

Edited October 21, 2019 by Dragoncat

[Ottservia]

1 hour ago, Dragoncat said:

As for yours, it was sad for sure, but maybe it would benefit from a flashback showing the magical girls hanging out as friends, something to cement their friendship to the reader.

Yeah I could’ve done more to really to establish their friendship so that the revelation at the end would’ve hit harder. Honestly I felt I was a little too vague with the characterization and their backstories. Maybe one more flashback or some more narration could’ve helped.

honestly the idea I was trying to go for was sort of to showcase to really think before make a wish. Everything comes at a price and the thing you think you want may very well not be what you truly desire. I probably could’ve made that message a little more clear.

For anyone here who has seen Madoka Magica one of the things I was also trying to do was recreate that scene from episode 3 at the end. If you’ve seen the show you should know what I mean. Oh Mami really should’ve quit while she was ahead and no I am not sorry

Edited October 21, 2019 by Ottservia

[Dragoncat]

@TheSilentChloey I'm getting the idea you didn't really research Halloween or harvest festivals for this, because the festival is just name dropped. Mine didn't have it in there either, but...yeah. Since it's not celebrated where you are, if it were me, I'd research and try to come up with stuff from that.

Cute kids are always nice though.

@Anacybele I told you this over Discord, but for completions sake. It was cute, a bit short.

[TheSilentChloey]

@Dragoncat

I will assume you didn't actually read the first part properly since not only does it actually point out the young ones are A in costume and B causing general shenanigans (which is what Halloween is about plus getting some candy while the kids are at it which was implied but not explicitly stated).

 

But okay, you know best since it's an American culturally familiar holiday and not a stupid cash grab in your country right on a drought where people can't actually afford it or have the money to buy/make costumes 😕

I...really need something light and fluffy...stress is bad...really bad.

[Dragoncat]

2 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

@Dragoncat

I will assume you didn't actually read the first part properly since not only does it actually point out the young ones are A in costume and B causing general shenanigans (which is what Halloween is about plus getting some candy while the kids are at it which was implied but not explicitly stated).

 

But okay, you know best since it's an American culturally familiar holiday and not a stupid cash grab in your country right on a drought where people can't actually afford it or have the money to buy/make costumes 😕

I...really need something light and fluffy...stress is bad...really bad.

...You're right, I may have missed that part, it was short.

Can you...not snap at me though, please? All holidays are stupid cash grabs to a certain extent.

[TheSilentChloey]

27 minutes ago, Dragoncat said:

...You're right, I may have missed that part, it was short.

Can you...not snap at me though, please? All holidays are stupid cash grabs to a certain extent.

That...wasn't snapping Dcat, at least not proper snapping.  I would have thrown in swearing if that were the case, which I didn't so...

It was more me making a generalized statement than actual snap- trust me I tend to swear when I'm snappy, it's not always good to swear but I guess it does get the emotion across.

Edited October 21, 2019 by TheSilentChloey

[Dragoncat]

5 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

That...wasn't snapping Dcat, at least not proper snapping.  I would have thrown in swearing if that were the case, which I didn't so...

It was more me making a generalized statement than actual snap- trust me I tend to swear when I'm snappy, it's not always good to swear but I guess it does get the emotion across.

Fair enough. Hard to find intent through text.

You might find some wholesome fluff in mine, if you're wanting fluff. But if you don't I'm sorry.

[TheSilentChloey]

1 minute ago, Dragoncat said:

Fair enough. Hard to find intent through text.

You might find some wholesome fluff in mine, if you're wanting fluff. But if you don't I'm sorry.

I did manage to get a look at it and it was nice over all (fluffy moments are fluffy).  Obviously I kind of already mentioned my minor "nitpick" for it XD but it was cute over all.  Otts has a point about the exposition as well but I didn't feel it was that bad.

[Dragoncat]

9 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

I did manage to get a look at it and it was nice over all (fluffy moments are fluffy).  Obviously I kind of already mentioned my minor "nitpick" for it XD but it was cute over all.  Otts has a point about the exposition as well but I didn't feel it was that bad.

I love how wholesome Dimitri was.

[Anacybele]

1 hour ago, Dragoncat said:

I told you this over Discord, but for completions sake. It was cute, a bit short.

Yeah, I wish I could've made it a little longer, but I wasn't sure how to without the additional content feeling forced.

45 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

That...wasn't snapping Dcat, at least not proper snapping.  I would have thrown in swearing if that were the case, which I didn't so...

It was more me making a generalized statement than actual snap- trust me I tend to swear when I'm snappy, it's not always good to swear but I guess it does get the emotion across.

Sorry, but I have to agree with Dcat that you sounded a little hostile and not very nice. You weren't blatantly rude, but you still could've been more polite. I understand being stressed though, believe me. The job I recently quit? That was a nice chunk of stress off my shoulders. I couldn't stand some of the people there and I didn't like the work anyway.

Now for my reviews.

@Ottservia Well written and surprisingly dark and sad. But I don't feel it fits the prompt well enough. You have witches, but...that's really all. I also have never even heard of the anime you wrote about here, so...that didn't help too much either. That's a minor thing though, the main flaw is the lack of the Halloween theme.

@Dragoncat I do agree with Ottservia that yours is a bit of an info dump, but I liked the letters from the house leaders and the plot is still nice! It also still fits the prompt well enough. I had said a bit more on Discord already, so I'll leave it at that.

@TheSilentChloey I have to agree with Dcat that your use of the prompt felt like more of an afterthought. Yeah you mentioned costumes and gave the festival a couple mentions, but that's really it. You used the theme better than Ottservia did, but I'd have still liked to see more of it here. It feels like you could take out the mentions of costumes and a festival and it wouldn't make much of a difference. Besides this though, it's a solid story.

Edited October 21, 2019 by Anacybele

[Ottservia]

16 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

Well written and surprisingly dark and sad. But I don't feel it fits the prompt well enough. You have witches, but...that's really all. I also have never even heard of the anime you wrote about here, so...that didn't help too much either. That's a minor thing though, the main flaw is the lack of the Halloween theme.

I will agree I didn’t quite hit the theme well but “holloween” themed can mean a couple of things and one of those things can mean horror not just costumes and candy which is more or less what I was going for. Did I succeed? Probably not from the looks of things. I could’ve dialed up the fear factor a little bit I’ll admit but it is what it is I suppose.

[Anacybele]

7 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

I will agree I didn’t quite hit the theme well but “holloween” themed can mean a couple of things and one of those things can mean horror not just costumes and candy which is more or less what I was going for. Did I succeed? Probably not from the looks of things. I could’ve dialed up the fear factor a little bit I’ll admit but it is what it is I suppose.

Halloween, not holloween. But true, yeah, I'd say you did succeed in doing a horror theme.

Edited October 21, 2019 by Anacybele