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SF's "Write Your Butt Off" Competition HD II.5 Remix


AnonymousSpeed

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18 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

Of course I know I should show, not tell. But I'm still not sure if your idea of that works for me.

Yes, of course I see the difference between those two pieces of dialogue.

Then if you want the reader to know the severity of a wound a character has taken you need to show just how bad it is. Like don't just say a character just got a hole blown through his chest that doesn't really paint an image in my head. It undersells the severity of what just happened. Describe it like this:

A geyser of blood shot out from his back as his eyes nearly bulged out of his head. His mouth wide as the salty warm taste of blood coated his tongue. for a moment, his body was numb before a blazing sharp pain ripped through his stomach. 

and now you've got my attention because I now know just how severe the wound is. It's a shocking moment and I should feel a level "oh fuck that looks like it hurts" as I read it.  It's really just a matter of you go big or you go home. Hyperbole is a fun figurative tool

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44 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

Then if you want the reader to know the severity of a wound a character has taken you need to show just how bad it is. Like don't just say a character just got a hole blown through his chest that doesn't really paint an image in my head. It undersells the severity of what just happened. Describe it like this:

A geyser of blood shot out from his back as his eyes nearly bulged out of his head. His mouth wide as the salty warm taste of blood coated his tongue. for a moment, his body was numb before a blazing sharp pain ripped through his stomach. 

and now you've got my attention because I now know just how severe the wound is. It's a shocking moment and I should feel a level "oh fuck that looks like it hurts" as I read it.  It's really just a matter of you go big or you go home. Hyperbole is a fun figurative tool

No thanks. I don't feel comfortable describing wounds that way. It's too gross.

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9 hours ago, Anacybele said:

No thanks. I don't feel comfortable describing wounds that way. It's too gross.

 

10 hours ago, Ottservia said:

Then if you want the reader to know the severity of a wound a character has taken you need to show just how bad it is. Like don't just say a character just got a hole blown through his chest that doesn't really paint an image in my head. It undersells the severity of what just happened. Describe it like this:

A geyser of blood shot out from his back as his eyes nearly bulged out of his head. His mouth wide as the salty warm taste of blood coated his tongue. for a moment, his body was numb before a blazing sharp pain ripped through his stomach. 

and now you've got my attention because I now know just how severe the wound is. It's a shocking moment and I should feel a level "oh fuck that looks like it hurts" as I read it.  It's really just a matter of you go big or you go home. Hyperbole is a fun figurative tool

I think the thing with this kind of language is it crosses between horror and drama. For example, in a story where someone close to the protagonist dies in action, many will choose to focus more on the sorrow and loss of the characters instead of the way a character dies, especially if it's not in the character's perspective and it wasn't frederick's  perspective in the story.  Sometimes describing things in the manner that you suggested can take away from the event. I do see what you are trying to say, though. 

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44 minutes ago, Benice said:

 

I think the thing with this kind of language is it crosses between horror and drama. For example, in a story where someone close to the protagonist dies in action, many will choose to focus more on the sorrow and loss of the characters instead of the way a character dies, especially if it's not in the character's perspective and it wasn't frederick's  perspective in the story.  Sometimes describing things in the manner that you suggested can take away from the event. I do see what you are trying to say, though. 

Well if you want to focus on the sorrow of loss and such conveying a character’s thoughts in a such a way certainly helps. In the perspective of other characters during a scene like that you really need to ask yourself: what are the exact thoughts going through this character’s head? And how do I convey those thoughts both in their body language and internal dialogue? Describe to me what exactly they’re witnessing and how exactly that makes them feel. If they are witnessing something horrific then it should be described as horrific otherwise it’s hard for me to empathize with their situation. The first stage of grief is shock after all and that’s exactly what you want to describe.

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1 hour ago, Benice said:

I think the thing with this kind of language is it crosses between horror and drama. For example, in a story where someone close to the protagonist dies in action, many will choose to focus more on the sorrow and loss of the characters instead of the way a character dies, especially if it's not in the character's perspective and it wasn't frederick's  perspective in the story.  Sometimes describing things in the manner that you suggested can take away from the event. I do see what you are trying to say, though. 

Yeah, the main focus of my piece was how Chrom (primarily, as there are mentions of Lissa, Frederick's family, and Frederick's friend Ralph and how they've grieved too), handles Frederick being gone. Not so much how Frederick died.

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Anyway since I have the time:

@TheSilentChloey

I really liked this one. It may not have been as graphic as you wanted it to be but it was graphic enough for me to understand Corrin’s feelings of grief, loss, and anger. You conveyed his thoughts well and I really felt some of the pain he was in. My one complaint is the structure. The way the story is paced is fine for the most part until the end where it just kinda flips from past to present tense way too quickly without any smooth transition. Other than that it was pretty good.

@SoulWeaver

Not bad but I can see how you could say it was rushed. Palla’s death was sudden but impactful so it worked. The buildup could’ve been better though. I also really liked the ending. It was a nice little twist.

51 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

Yeah, the main focus of my piece was how Chrom (primarily, as there are mentions of Lissa, Frederick's family, and Frederick's friend Ralph and how they've grieved too), handles Frederick being gone. Not so much how Frederick died.

I knew what the main focus was but you could’ve sold that better with Robin’s internal thoughts and body language. Don’t over describe it mind you. Yeah she shrieked but that’s not descriptive enough. When you see something that horrific happen right in front of you, you’re gonna do more than just scream. Your eyes will go wide, your heart will shatter, and you’ll be swallowed up in a thick swamp of your own grief. You conveyed Chrom’s grief pretty well in the end but you could’ve done a better job of conveying Robin’s. Don’t just say there was a whirlwind of emotion going through her head show me what that emotion is through her exact word for word thoughts. That’s pretty much the core of what I mean when I say character voice in narration. You are good at conveying character voice through their dialogue now all you need to do is apply that to the way your characters describe the events unfolding before them through their personal internal thoughts.

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10 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

I knew what the main focus was but you could’ve sold that better with Robin’s internal thoughts and body language. Don’t over describe it mind you. Yeah she shrieked but that’s not descriptive enough. When you see something that horrific happen right in front of you, you’re gonna do more than just scream. Your eyes will go wide, your heart will shatter, and you’ll be swallowed up in a thick swamp of your own grief. You conveyed Chrom’s grief pretty well in the end but you could’ve done a better job of conveying Robin’s. Don’t just say there was a whirlwind of emotion going through her head show me what that emotion is through her exact word for word thoughts. That’s pretty much the core of what I mean when I say character voice in narration. You are good at conveying character voice through their dialogue now all you need to do is apply that to the way your characters describe the events unfolding before them through their personal internal thoughts.

Eh, well, if you say so. I still don't feel comfortable describing wounds and all graphically as you've been suggesting, but there could be a compromise somewhere.

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4 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

Eh, well, if you say so. I still don't feel comfortable describing wounds and all graphically as you've been suggesting, but there could be a compromise somewhere.

Just so I can let you guys know, I am comfortable with doing this. Just not more than necessary.

Also, I am going to read through this second set of stories later today, and then post my thoughts.

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8 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

Eh, well, if you say so. I still don't feel comfortable describing wounds and all graphically as you've been suggesting, but there could be a compromise somewhere.

Well I suppose you don’t have to be graphic as I suggest just enough so that I understand the feeling of dread the character feels upon witnessing such a thing. Then again there are other ways to convey that sense of dread without being graphic. Being graphic is simply the easiest, again show me the character’s internal thoughts. The words going through their head, the images they see, etc. and how those things effect their body language. That’s another fantastic way to get me to empathize with the character. 

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4 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

Well I suppose you don’t have to be graphic as I suggest just enough so that I understand the feeling of dread the character feels upon witnessing such a thing. Then again there are other ways to convey that sense of dread without being graphic. Being graphic is simply the easiest, again show me the character’s internal thoughts. The words going through their head, the images they see, etc. and how those things effect their body language. That’s another fantastic way to get me to empathize with the character. 

Yeah, that's definitely true. I understand you here.

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If anyone’s interested, I wrote a small epilogue for my entry.

Spoiler

Severa opened her eyes to a sea of endless clouds. Pegasus reigns in hand, she glided through the sky. Her snow white hair flowed endlessly in the soft wind that caressed her face.

 

“So you finally made it” She heard her mother’s voice. 

 

She looked over to see her mother and aurora floating beside her. Severa smiled and nodded, “Yeah I think I’ve finally got the hang of it”

 

“I always knew you could do it Sev” Severa glanced over to the other side to see her sister riding beside her, “you just had to loosen up a bit”

 

“Yeah…” Severa smiled as she looked down at the vast landscape several miles below. 

 

All the trees, rivers, forests, and mountains looked so far away. It looked almost unreal to see it all laid out before her like this. It was beautiful in its own way. A part of her missed being down there by herself. She shook her head. It was too late to go back now. She was finally flying freely in the bright blue sky with everyone else. She might as well enjoy it.

 

Now if only daddy could be here...

 

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18 hours ago, Dragoncat said:

Have Ana tell you about how she got some bad trollfic writer impersonating her and nearly ruining her reputation on FF.net.

18 hours ago, Anacybele said:

Yep, this did happen, no joke. The impersonator was convinced to stop it, but it still was a shitty thing to do.

I'm sure it was frustrating at the time, but with the benefit of hindsight you have to admit that it's kind of an absurd scenario.

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2 hours ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

I'm sure it was frustrating at the time, but with the benefit of hindsight you have to admit that it's kind of an absurd scenario.

It was...something else.

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Y’know after reading it over a couple times, I think I figured out what was missing from my entry and in a way it was an intentional exclusion. It’s missing a cute yet somber scene with Severa and Morgan being there for each other before Morgan kind of died. I debated including it when going through last minute revisions but the reason I didn’t was because it would’ve been far too reminiscent of my previous entry which I guess this one is a continuation of in a way.

regardless though, I really liked @AnonymousSpeed’s entry and I thought it was really good and packed a lot of depth to it. Not much else to say. It was just a really enjoyable read.

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So I know I'm not picking the prompt this time, but might I suggest to whoever wins (probably Anon at this point) that we go for a Christmas theme? We got Halloween during that time, so yeah. Though if not enough people here actually celebrate it, then that's okay.

Whatever the prompt is, I'd like to write something taking place during Christmas anyway. It'll be the last round before Christmas.

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I will make one-sentence reviews for this round. Did not make time to read everything twice.

@Anacybele Real nice when showing the emotions, but my favorite part was when the tradition in honor of Frederick and a Robin was described.

@AnonymousSpeed When I get to the Tellius games, I think I will like Volke when I get to them (5,000 gold if you want to know why).

@Ottservia This story continues to show your understanding of Severa’s character; I liked the flashes of Severa’s development of getting over her inferiority complex.

@SoulWeaver I think the biggest strength here is that this shows that deaths can be sudden, and that is just how unfair death is sometimes.

@TheSilentChloey Yeah, I definitely sorry for Corrin.

My emotions are telling me that “The Fireman” wins here though. My emotions just told me. 5,000 gold payment is now for more details.

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2 hours ago, Azure, Roundabouted Out said:

 Real nice when showing the emotions, but my favorite part was when the tradition in honor of Frederick and a Robin was described.

I did like coming up with those ideas, yeah. 😛 Thanks.

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4 hours ago, Azure, Roundabouted Out said:

This story continues to show your understanding of Severa’s character; I liked the flashes of Severa’s development of getting over her inferiority complex.

I wouldn’t say she got over it more so her feelings about it are complicated. One thing I just realized too. I went that entire story without a single “tsundere blush” moment. Well I’m gonna have to remedy that sometime in the future cause what is a Severa story without it?

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16 hours ago, Azure, Roundabouted Out said:

When I get to the Tellius games, I think I will like Volke when I get to them (5,000 gold if you want to know why).

My emotions are telling me that “The Fireman” wins here though. My emotions just told me. 5,000 gold payment is now for more details.

Heck man, I don't got that kind of money.

I'm glad y'all liked that story though.

Our prompt will be here after these asterisks.

***

Hohoho, children! Christmas season is upon us, and that means some of mankind's most beautiful music fills the air once again!

We've had music prompts before, and Christmas carols fit that idea like a santa suit.

Your prompt is to create a story inspired by one of the apex installments in this great musical tradition:

 

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1 hour ago, Ottservia said:

I have a funny idea but it’s only gonna be loosely based off of that song. 

Me also. I'm gonna use an idea I had a few years ago but never got to write. Prepare to suffer!

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I might do a Christmas themed thing, but don't expect it to be any good.

 

My entry:

The First True Christmas

Words: 1, 201

I am not going to say much more than it's Christmas themed and based on a true story.  I'll let you guess who it's about- there are a few clues dotted in there.

 

Eta: In Australia generally speaking, our Christmas school holidays last from the last two weeks in December until the last week in January/first week of February depending on what days the dates fall on.  Most private schools start Jan 30th/31st with public schools starting Feb 1st, which is our summer holidays.  The more you know XD

Edited by TheSilentChloey
Entry added duh.
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