SF's "Write Your Butt Off" Competition HD II.5 Remix

[Azure the Scale Tipper]

1 hour ago, SoulWeaver said:

I mean, I could have told you Sakura Wars was worth looking into on these alone.

  Reveal hidden contents

 

They're no .hack// super moves, but the music still slams it home for both pairs.

Yes, this does make me a little more convinced I should.

Wonder how you could get your hands on any of the games other than the 2019 reboot and SW5 on the Wii (as obscure as that is). I want the OG 4 from the Dreamcast so I can have that Mass Effect-like experience, but those are officially JP only.

Maybe if they were to be officially translated and ported to Steam, that would be the ideal situation. But that is not now.

[Azure the Scale Tipper]

So, I know this is double posting, but I’d like to have a day or two to finish things up with my entry. I actually forgot to write things yesterday, and would like a way to make up for that. Can that time be afforded?

[Ottservia]

I mean I don’t see why not, what does everyone else think?

[Shoblongoo]

Fine with it 

[AnonymousSpeed]

4 hours ago, Azure loves his Half Elves said:

So, I know this is double posting, but I’d like to have a day or two to finish things up with my entry. I actually forgot to write things yesterday, and would like a way to make up for that. Can that time be afforded?

Count it as afforded. Deadline will be midnight unless people ask for more. You all said you wouldn't mind cutting into judging time for that?

[Shoblongoo]

35 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

Count it as afforded. Deadline will be midnight unless people ask for more. You all said you wouldn't mind cutting into judging time for that?

Yeah I don’t think we need a ton of judging time for 4 entries 

[Azure the Scale Tipper]

On second thought, I find myself focused on other things. Like D&D theorycrafting and rp. I feel it would be less taxing on me to do those and get my entry done, so I’ll let you guys begin the voting stage.

I’ll need a longer amount of time to make something good, so I’ll save it for next round.

Edit: I also wanted to add that I have also been playing freeware App Store games on my iPad for fun, so there is that.

Edited June 29, 2020 by Azure loves his Half Elves

[Shoblongoo]

...okay then...

 

3 it is. That’s a wrap folks.

[AnonymousSpeed]

3 hours ago, Azure loves his Half Elves said:

On second thought, I find myself focused on other things.

tfw didn't even have to cut into judging time

3 hours ago, Azure loves his Half Elves said:

Edit: I also wanted to add that I have also been playing freeware App Store games on my iPad for fun, so there is that.

And it was all for bad taste in games.

[Ottservia]

So anyway, feedback time:

@Shoblongoo

An interesting read even if the metaphor was a little blunt(for lack of a better term) but you know what that's a nitpick. I liked the old timey language used here. I did enjoy the humor and how Byleth acted in this piece. Giving silent protags more dialogue is always tricky but I think you did well here. I have no real complaints(other than it was maybe a bit hard to follow but that could just be my adhd talking) I also really like the exploration of gay marriage in foldlan seeing as how 3H is the one game in the franchise with the most bisexual representation. It's definitely an interesting topic in how Foldlan differentiates itself with other continents without gay marriage or anything like that(y'know like awakening).

@TheSilentChloey

Speaking of gay marriage in awakening, I'll have to agree with Shob on this one. A little clunky in the writing but an interesting concept all the same. I feel like you could stand to use more body language in this one to help kinda sell the idea that Amelia is upset rather than just telling us she struggled to keep her emotions in check. Like try to show a little more. If you want me to feel that a character is upset then use their body language and internal thoughts to really sell me on that idea. Like how is Amelia struggling to keep her emotions in check? Is her heart beating? IS she walking somewhat fast and frantically? is she trying to convince herself that everything is okay even though they're not? does she have tears on her face? y'know stuff like that can really helps sell a character's emotional state. You do it some instances and it's great when you do just do it more. Also I feel like the scenes with Soleil could've stood to be longer to really hammer home their relationship. Y'know add some fluff in there to really make the reader go "aww". Other than that it wasn't bad. I liked the idea of magic being used to explain how children can be made from two same-sex parents and I liked Amelia as a character. All around not bad.

[Shoblongoo]

13 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

So anyway, feedback time:

@Shoblongoo

An interesting read even if the metaphor was a little blunt(for lack of a better term) but you know what that's a nitpick. I liked the old timey language used here. I did enjoy the humor and how Byleth acted in this piece. Giving silent protags more dialogue is always tricky but I think you did well here. I have no real complaints(other than it was maybe a bit hard to follow but that could just be my adhd talking) I also really like the exploration of gay marriage in foldlan seeing as how 3H is the one game in the franchise with the most bisexual representation. It's definitely an interesting topic in how Foldlan differentiates itself with other continents without gay marriage or anything like that(y'know like awakening).

 

Thank you sir 

as for yours....there's alot in there that I really like...

The beginning hooked me in right away with the bit about Severa finding that book, and her mother's reaction. that whole part was very well done. (you sorta went in a different direction then i thought you were going to go. I thought you were going to go with the angle of severa, before even being mature enough to really grasp the meaning of her reaction, reading the book and having an initial gut reaction of why would I want to make a man fall for me??? I like girls.")

Then I really like how you looped back to that from "you'll understand when you're older," to  Severa reacting to news of her mother's death. And how from thereon out--her standoffish character + the tainted memory of her relationship with her mother all stems from the idea that she's come to believe: the only person Cordelia ever truly loved was Chrom. Not her husband or her child. The most important thing to her was always Chrom. 

The Lucina/Severa part definitely felt underworked, compared to the Cordelia/Severa part. 

It feels like you gave us the backstory leading up to Lucina and Severa approaching a romantic relationship. But stopped short of any acknowledgment of romantic interest or portrayal of the actual relationship.

I definitely agree that either one more scene was needed, with an explicitly romantic portrayal of Lucina/Severa.

Or something else had to be added to that final scene to push it a little further.  

As is, the mother-daughter relationship between Cordelia and Severa feels like its the main focus of the piece here.

...which is not to say that its bad, or that I disliked it...

It was a good read. 

I just think that for this particular prompt, it needed to be more out-there in a place where it was more restrained. (i.e. if you're committing to the idea that there's a romantic same-sex attraction between Lucina and Severa, fully commit to it and go all-in) 
 

Edited June 29, 2020 by Shoblongoo

[Ottservia]

29 minutes ago, Shoblongoo said:

Thank you sir 

as for yours....there's alot in there that I really like...

The beginning hooked me in right away with the bit about Severa finding that book, and her mother's reaction. that whole part was very well done. (you sorta went in a different direction then i thought you were going to go. I thought you were going to go with the angle of severa, before even being mature enough to really grasp the meaning of her reaction, reading the book and having an initial gut reaction of why would I want to make a man fall for me??? I like girls.")

Then I really like how you looped back to that from "you'll understand when you're older," to  Severa reacting to news of her mother's death. And how from thereon out--her standoffish character + the tainted memory of her relationship with her mother all stems from the idea that she's come to believe: the only person Cordelia ever truly loved was Chrom. Not her husband or her child. The most important thing to her was always Chrom. 

The Lucina/Severa part definitely felt underworked, compared to the Cordelia/Severa part. 

It feels like you gave us the backstory leading up to Lucina and Severa approaching a romantic relationship. But stopped short of any acknowledgment of romantic interest or portrayal of the actual relationship.

I definitely agree that either one more scene was needed, with an explicitly romantic portrayal of Lucina/Severa.

Or something else had to be added to that final scene to push it a little further.  

As is, the mother-daughter relationship between Cordelia and Severa feels like its the main focus of the piece here.

...which is not to say that its bad, or that I disliked it...

It was a good read. 

I just think that for this particular prompt, it needed to be more out-there in a place where it was more restrained. (i.e. if you're committing to the idea that there's a romantic same-sex attraction between Lucina and Severa, fully commit to it and go all-in) 
 

Thanks, originally the idea was to solely focus on the relationship between Severa and Lucina and Cordelia was more of a background element but again romance isn’t really my forte. I also originally wanted to add a last scene in there where the relationship is solidified(and honestly I still kinda do and might actually do at some point) but the reason I ended it there was because I just thought it would be more interesting to end it on a note where Severa kinda discovers feelings for Lucina but doesn’t act on them because of how worthless she views herself. Her mother failed in this endeavor so what makes her think she won’t fail. This is one is definitely due for a revisit where I add things I wanted to add originally like for example the bolded portion.

I had originally wanted to put a moment like that in the beginning but I didn’t quite know where to put it without interupting the flow of the scene. I had also originally wanted to write a scene with Severa and Lucina playing around together as kids but I couldn’t quite figure out how it would play out or integrate it in the story without interrupting the flow of the story so I scrapped it. 
 

also a subtle thing to note about the second scene, is that one idea I was trying to get across there was that Severa and Lucina kinda parallel each other in a way. In that their parents both died and they’re inheriting their parents’ burdens like how Lucina takes up Falchion and Severa kinda takes up the mantle of protecting her exalt like how her mother and father did(the father is Robin if you couldn’t already tell and hell the main inspiration for the last scene was the M!RobinxChrom support). Maybe I wasn’t clear enough on that point in the story but what can ya do.

Edited June 29, 2020 by Ottservia

[TheSilentChloey]

8 hours ago, Ottservia said:

So anyway, feedback time:

@Shoblongoo

An interesting read even if the metaphor was a little blunt(for lack of a better term) but you know what that's a nitpick. I liked the old timey language used here. I did enjoy the humor and how Byleth acted in this piece. Giving silent protags more dialogue is always tricky but I think you did well here. I have no real complaints(other than it was maybe a bit hard to follow but that could just be my adhd talking) I also really like the exploration of gay marriage in foldlan seeing as how 3H is the one game in the franchise with the most bisexual representation. It's definitely an interesting topic in how Foldlan differentiates itself with other continents without gay marriage or anything like that(y'know like awakening).

@TheSilentChloey

Speaking of gay marriage in awakening, I'll have to agree with Shob on this one. A little clunky in the writing but an interesting concept all the same. I feel like you could stand to use more body language in this one to help kinda sell the idea that Amelia is upset rather than just telling us she struggled to keep her emotions in check. Like try to show a little more. If you want me to feel that a character is upset then use their body language and internal thoughts to really sell me on that idea. Like how is Amelia struggling to keep her emotions in check? Is her heart beating? IS she walking somewhat fast and frantically? is she trying to convince herself that everything is okay even though they're not? does she have tears on her face? y'know stuff like that can really helps sell a character's emotional state. You do it some instances and it's great when you do just do it more. Also I feel like the scenes with Soleil could've stood to be longer to really hammer home their relationship. Y'know add some fluff in there to really make the reader go "aww". Other than that it wasn't bad. I liked the idea of magic being used to explain how children can be made from two same-sex parents and I liked Amelia as a character. All around not bad.

Amelia is...shall we say a more composed person.  Knowing how she feels is like getting blood from a stone.  In other words it was a- in charcter for her and b- if I had have done anything like that it would be way too OOC for her.  That and I kind of didn't want to push the entry far longer than necessary.  3k words is far too long for this, even with the lower entry count.

 

That said if you're truly desperate for the actual full unrestricted version:

Spoiler

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24877627/chapters/60188947

It's rated E for the second part which I'm still working on, and also language for the most part.

Edited June 30, 2020 by TheSilentChloey

[SoulWeaver]

I actually found Otts’ piece more interesting without the full fleshing out into romance. Ylisse isn’t Fodlan and it isn’t Fateslandia, it doesn’t appear to hold any precedent for same-sex couples - Tharja is generally seen as more weird in a Female Robin playthrough for her attachment, and the two can’t canonically marry. Complain about it being the game not being progressive enough all you like, but given Chrom’s literally never heard of a bikini I think it safer to say that Ylisse as a world simply doesn’t do that kind of thing, and the way Otts ended his piece shows this - Severa would already be shaken up by what sounds like a profession of love about to happen, make it come from a woman? She’d definitely panic at first if her conversation with Kjelle in Harvest Scramble is anything to go by. Make it from Lucina - Chrom’s daughter and the future Exalt - and I find it no surprise that she’d flee the scene, at least to gather her thoughts. Severa would also absolutely be worried about the appearance of the future Exalt commencing a romantic relationship with one of her personal Pegasus Knight guards, to say nothing of the potential comparisons to her mother that would inevitably ensue given everyone knows about Cordelia’s attachment to Chrom.

Still need to read the other two, but so far Otts’ entry seems pretty solid. My only question is how she ended up with ‘Aunt Lissa’ if Cordelia never hooked up with Chrom.

[Shoblongoo]

11 minutes ago, SoulWeaver said:

My only question is how she ended up with ‘Aunt Lissa’ if Cordelia never hooked up with Chrom.

I was wondering that too.
 

Edited June 30, 2020 by Shoblongoo

[Ottservia]

5 hours ago, Shoblongoo said:

I was wondering that too.
 

 

5 hours ago, SoulWeaver said:

My only question is how she ended up with ‘Aunt Lissa’ if Cordelia never hooked up with Chrom.

It was more so a matter of familiarity if anything. I used to call close friends of my parents auntie and uncle when I was little and having Severa simply call her Lissa was weird so I felt I needed to add an honorific there

 

5 hours ago, SoulWeaver said:

 

I actually found Otts’ piece more interesting without the full fleshing out into romance. Ylisse isn’t Fodlan and it isn’t Fateslandia, it doesn’t appear to hold any precedent for same-sex couples - Tharja is generally seen as more weird in a Female Robin playthrough for her attachment, and the two can’t canonically marry. Complain about it being the game not being progressive enough all you like, but given Chrom’s literally never heard of a bikini I think it safer to say that Ylisse as a world simply doesn’t do that kind of thing, and the way Otts ended his piece shows this - Severa would already be shaken up by what sounds like a profession of love about to happen, make it come from a woman? She’d definitely panic at first if her conversation with Kjelle in Harvest Scramble is anything to go by. Make it from Lucina - Chrom’s daughter and the future Exalt - and I find it no surprise that she’d flee the scene, at least to gather her thoughts. Severa would also absolutely be worried about the appearance of the future Exalt commencing a romantic relationship with one of her personal Pegasus Knight guards, to say nothing of the potential comparisons to her mother that would inevitably ensue given everyone knows about Cordelia’s attachment to Chrom.

 

That’s kinda what I was going for with that ending, yeah. I probably been more clear on certain elements of it though. Like the core idea I was trying to get across was exploring the irony found in Severa falling in love with the daughter of the man her mother once tried and failed to get with. And it’s because of that that she runs away. She doesn’t act on those feelings because she resents her mother for Loving Chrom over her. If her mother failed, then how could she be any different in fact there are more things stacked against her in this case

Edited July 1, 2020 by Ottservia

[Azure the Scale Tipper]

So, here are my reviews:

@TheSilentChloey

Spoiler

I think my thoughts are shared with everyone here, in how I found the concept interesting. I also, however, found the writing to be a little clunky, with it being a little difficult to tell who was talking in places at first. As Shoblongoo said, a lot of things (like how the noble acted), were justifiable, considering it is close to the source material. And I could understand what was going on without knowing what happened before with Amelia, Soleil, Nym, and everyone else.

I’d say it was a decent read overall.

@Shoblongoo

Spoiler

I’d say that this was a nice take on the subject. That is, in his Reformation tackles bringing gay marriage to a land that has shunned it for a long while. A lot like other places in the world. And I felt it was nice, seeing not only Byleth develop as a leader, but also Seteth as an advisor. Byleth is able to get past the bias he has against those who shun gay marriage with Seteth’s advice, and Seteth is able to have more faith in himself, knowing he has changed to better the world around him. I feel their interactions were the highlight of this work. The bit at the end with Dorothea was also a nice touch, seeing her and Byleth reflect on how Edelgard would have seen the day of Byleth and Linhardt’s wedding, and how it would not have come without what came before.

That little bit, and how Seteth compared his plans to Edelgard’s, does make me think about how Edelgard could have been able to handle it the same if she had an advisor like Byleth.

@Ottservia

Spoiler

I think the highlight of this work in particular is all the parallels and perpendicular that run through this work. How Severa has feelings for Lucina, like how her mother had feelings for Lucina’s father. How, even as she hates how her mother cared most about Chrom, she sees that as a reason for why she shouldn’t get too close with Lucina. If her mother couldn’t get with the man she cared for most, then how could she be able to fulfill these feelings she has?

I also like how her Fell Dragon bloodline was tied in, as she is tempted by it to kill Lucina. Of course, she rejects it. Might be a running thing that would lead to that headcanon.

Overall, my opinion has actually changed about the work as I read it again. While the feelings Severa has for Lucina are not truly confirmed to be romantic, I think it is better for what it is trying to go for.

Let’s take a look at the prompt again:

write a story about either the discussion of LGBTQIA+ rights or one or more characters in an LGBTQIA+ relationship, or lack thereof

As someone who tried to fulfill that underlined portion in my fic before going full couch potato feat. D&D mode, I think I should have realized that this fic fits perfectly into the prompt, as the rest do.

My vote goes to Reformation, but The Story Unknown to All is a close second.

[Ottservia]

It’s a little quiet around here

[TheSilentChloey]

I've been too busy writing a smol Grima fic, and some TSC series stuff.

[AnonymousSpeed]

The voting period is over.

@Shoblongoo wins.

Happy 4th of July everyone. God bless America.

 

[Shoblongoo]

39 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

 God bless America.

 

Surrrrrrre. Why not.

 

The Theme for the next prompt is: Patriotism

[TheSilentChloey]

I'm out.

[Anacybele]

Oh, I could write something about Kieran for this! He's amusingly patriotic. lol I love him!

[SoulWeaver]

Hm...an idea. We’ll see if I have time for this, I bogged down on something I was working on regarding ST, and by that I mean I finally beat Valter’s GHB on all difficulties TAKE THAT YOU FRUSTRATING DIPSTICK ahem.

Also I hate Michalis.

[AnonymousSpeed]

23 hours ago, TheSilentChloey said:

I'm out.

Didn't know Australians had so little to be proud of.

I'll see what I can think of.