Benice Posted September 3, 2020 Share Posted September 3, 2020 30 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said: Blue represents wins. Orange represents non-winning entries which were eligible to win ("participating entries"). It turns out I am actually slightly more meta than Soul- I have more wins and a higher win-PE ratio. I have a spreadsheet if there are further questions. XD NOOBS MOVE OVER I HAS HIGHEST WIN-PARTICIPATION RATIO AND MOST PARTICIPATION Jeez, Shob really does sweep the competiton a lot... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthR0xas Posted September 3, 2020 Share Posted September 3, 2020 (edited) Alright, got a lot to read this round and it's gonna be a busy week, so I'll probably keep these short and snappy. @Shoblongoo Spoiler It's an interesting little piece, although it does feel like it could use some fleshing out. Your world for the fairies reminds me a lot of the movie "Strange Magic", although I haven't seen it in 5 years so it's probably not as apt a comparison as I think it is. Regardless, while it may be beyond the scope of a small story, it just kinda feels like the fae world doesn't really have a place. You have bits and pieces of stuff you could elaborate on to better portray Fae society. Vendilin's attitude towards humans, the weird contradictions of their society, but none of them really go anywhere. It ends up feeling more like a concept piece than an actual meaningful story. That said, it's a damn good concept piece that left me wanting more. @TheSilentChloey Spoiler It's a very well written piece, on a technical level, but there's just a little something that feels off about it and I'm just not sure how to place it. It might be that Byleth is a telepath, which I personally don't see the reason for. Maybe it's that Ashe lives, which both kinda ruins the whole point of the original story and doesn't really have much purpose outside of you like him and want him to survive. I get not wanting to exactly copy the conversation that Azure wrote and so changing some of the details, but by making sure he lives it kinda takes away from the more dark atmosphere of the story. Sure Rodrigue dies, but as a reader, we don't have any attachment to him, we have it to the character we start off with, Felix. Personally I would've had this all take place from Rodrigue's perspective, or just all take place from Felix's perspective. And that kinda gets to what I think it is the issue that makes it feel off, which would be the sort of disparate nature of the story. The story is essentially split into two halves, and I don't feel like they gracefully transition or relate. The first is the part mainly based on Azure's story, with a camp scene for when he leaves. And I love the camp scene, by the way, easily the best part of the piece. Then there's the Rodrigue murder sequence. It just feels like a very harsh and fast jump. The piece really relies on you having played CF before, or at the very least understanding the general outline of its story. Granted, this is an FE forum so having that understanding isn't an absurd thing to ask for, but as a piece I feel it suffers as a result. As I said before, the reader doesn't have as strong a connection to Rodrigue as Felix, and as such most of the scenes involving him feel a bit flat. This is contrasted when we go back to Felix and it feels more natural, but then Annette comes in. This is another change from the source, but since Annette isn't killed on-page in Azure's piece I'd say it's fine, but I feel like you don't lean into it enough. Yes this is partially because I'm a sucker for romance, but if you want one of Felix's driving motivations to be his relationship with Annette, then have them interact. Their relationship as is feels both tacked on, and intended from the start. Again, the story was good, I enjoyed reading it, it's still very well written. I just feel like it needed some more time in the oven, to flesh out character dynamics more, and maybe make the timeskip more seamless. @SoulWeaver Spoiler Welp, couldn't read the original piece, so I guess I'll just jump in. That was the dumbest story I have read in a while and I fucking loved it. Do I entirely understand what happened? No, but the gimmick of everything being an Anna pun is good enough for me to enjoy the story regardless. Although I do feel that the story suffers as a result of it partially relying on the base piece, but none of us being able to read said base piece. Still has my vote, fucking love puns. @Ottservia Spoiler You said in your authors notes that you feel the piece is lacking substance. I'd moreso say that I feel the substance is slightly misplaced. I kinda feel like you got a little caught up in the idea of basically portraying what that song you posted portrays, and in doing so lost some focus, as well as overall just kinda making it a weaker piece. I just personally feel like the original wasn't meant to be a shounen style story, and in trying to make it one, it just kinda doesn't work. Don't get me wrong, I love cheesy shounen nonsense as much as the next guy, but it's not great at portraying emotion. It's a cool moment, sure, but the feelings you're trying to portray with it don't fully pan out. Both the original, and this piece to an extent are about Fredrick and his relationships, with a side of Robin and her relationships. This piece turns and makes it more about Robin's relationships, however in the process Fredrick loses most of his significance, and it really makes the story feel shaky. In a sense, Fredrick is the foundation of the story. That and, the time crunch is sorta apparent. There are moments when quoting or using the original source exactly are nice and cute callbacks. This piece, relied on them too hard in my opinion. If it had just been the Robin waking up scene, I would've probably been fine with it, but adding in the first meeting scene practically word of word, and also it being about half of Freddy's lines rubbed me the wrong way. All that said, still a fun piece to read. Also I was really expecting like a big fight scene. Ngl I was a little disappointed. I might have to try and write one now to get my fix. @Jotari Spoiler You noted that the piece was rushed and it certainly feels that way. A lot of typos and other small errors that generally bring down the overall quality of the piece. As a whole, the piece just kinda feels unfocused. The story hems and haws but doesn't really feel decisive. The new characters aren't particularly stand out, and really don't provide much of a strong base. Degore almost gets there, but then the story abruptly ends. What this story needed was to have a few more scenes, namely a death scene for Mordred and Degore. If you want to make them seem more human, showing them in their final moments would've succeeded in that. On top of that, I would've added a flashback or two showing how Kieran developed his impression of his father and brother, strengthen the ties to the original tale and all. It's a decent enough piece, but it feels way too slap-dash and doesn't have much, if any substance. @Azure loves his Half Elves Spoiler Good lord 9 pages long. I thought the four pages when I originally gave you a hand were long but jeez. Not knocking it, clearly a lot of effort was put in, and it's pretty impressive. In the context of some of the advice I gave you about your story, I'd say you implemented it pretty well. Your dialogue is much better, in my opinion, and the dialogue in the later parts of the story are pretty fluid. That said, the wording can sometimes get a bit jumbly. Like I said, read it out loud. If it doesn't sound good out loud, rewrite it. On top of that, there are some other grammatical errors and the like, most major being how on page 6 Severa's line with Inigo is just, not finished. This on top of the, sorta sloppy ending. Like yeah I felt sad, but it didn't really feel conclusive in its nature. But I think that's the flaw in writing a longer piece, the finer details can slip through the cracks. Like I said before, you did obviously put a lot of effort in, but personally I would've focused on creating a slightly shorter, tighter narrative than the one you did create. Although I know why your piece is the way it is, and it has to relate both with your initial idea and how you decided to execute it. Out of all the entries, yours leans the least onto the source material. I'd probably say yours is the only story that entirely would work on its own without reading the original, as the others rely majorly in some way or another on the source. Although as a result of your idea, you then had to tell the entirety of Ott's story, while also telling your story. That's what gives the piece some of its bloat. Like I said, enjoyed your piece a ton (Hated the ending, just give them a happy ending damnit. I don't wanna cry.), and it was fun to both read and help you out with it. However I feel like it was a real "bite off more than you can chew" moment. Was reading all the entries that the pieces were based on necessary? Probably not, but it helped understand where the author was coming from, somewhat. Anyways, glad we're rocking that 7 way tie. Perfectly balanced as all things should be, and all that jazz. Edited September 3, 2020 by DarthR0xas Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoulWeaver Posted September 3, 2020 Share Posted September 3, 2020 1 hour ago, DarthR0xas said: Alright, got a lot to read this round and it's gonna be a busy week, so I'll probably keep these short and snappy. @Shoblongoo Reveal hidden contents It's an interesting little piece, although it does feel like it could use some fleshing out. Your world for the fairies reminds me a lot of the movie "Strange Magic", although I haven't seen it in 5 years so it's probably not as apt a comparison as I think it is. Regardless, while it may be beyond the scope of a small story, it just kinda feels like the fae world doesn't really have a place. You have bits and pieces of stuff you could elaborate on to better portray Fae society. Vendilin's attitude towards humans, the weird contradictions of their society, but none of them really go anywhere. It ends up feeling more like a concept piece than an actual meaningful story. That said, it's a damn good concept piece that left me wanting more. @TheSilentChloey Reveal hidden contents It's a very well written piece, on a technical level, but there's just a little something that feels off about it and I'm just not sure how to place it. It might be that Byleth is a telepath, which I personally don't see the reason for. Maybe it's that Ashe lives, which both kinda ruins the whole point of the original story and doesn't really have much purpose outside of you like him and want him to survive. I get not wanting to exactly copy the conversation that Azure wrote and so changing some of the details, but by making sure he lives it kinda takes away from the more dark atmosphere of the story. Sure Rodrigue dies, but as a reader, we don't have any attachment to him, we have it to the character we start off with, Felix. Personally I would've had this all take place from Rodrigue's perspective, or just all take place from Felix's perspective. And that kinda gets to what I think it is the issue that makes it feel off, which would be the sort of disparate nature of the story. The story is essentially split into two halves, and I don't feel like they gracefully transition or relate. The first is the part mainly based on Azure's story, with a camp scene for when he leaves. And I love the camp scene, by the way, easily the best part of the piece. Then there's the Rodrigue murder sequence. It just feels like a very harsh and fast jump. The piece really relies on you having played CF before, or at the very least understanding the general outline of its story. Granted, this is an FE forum so having that understanding isn't an absurd thing to ask for, but as a piece I feel it suffers as a result. As I said before, the reader doesn't have as strong a connection to Rodrigue as Felix, and as such most of the scenes involving him feel a bit flat. This is contrasted when we go back to Felix and it feels more natural, but then Annette comes in. This is another change from the source, but since Annette isn't killed on-page in Azure's piece I'd say it's fine, but I feel like you don't lean into it enough. Yes this is partially because I'm a sucker for romance, but if you want one of Felix's driving motivations to be his relationship with Annette, then have them interact. Their relationship as is feels both tacked on, and intended from the start. Again, the story was good, I enjoyed reading it, it's still very well written. I just feel like it needed some more time in the oven, to flesh out character dynamics more, and maybe make the timeskip more seamless. @SoulWeaver Reveal hidden contents Welp, couldn't read the original piece, so I guess I'll just jump in. That was the dumbest story I have read in a while and I fucking loved it. Do I entirely understand what happened? No, but the gimmick of everything being an Anna pun is good enough for me to enjoy the story regardless. Although I do feel that the story suffers as a result of it partially relying on the base piece, but none of us being able to read said base piece. Still has my vote, fucking love puns. @Ottservia Reveal hidden contents You said in your authors notes that you feel the piece is lacking substance. I'd moreso say that I feel the substance is slightly misplaced. I kinda feel like you got a little caught up in the idea of basically portraying what that song you posted portrays, and in doing so lost some focus, as well as overall just kinda making it a weaker piece. I just personally feel like the original wasn't meant to be a shounen style story, and in trying to make it one, it just kinda doesn't work. Don't get me wrong, I love cheesy shounen nonsense as much as the next guy, but it's not great at portraying emotion. It's a cool moment, sure, but the feelings you're trying to portray with it don't fully pan out. Both the original, and this piece to an extent are about Fredrick and his relationships, with a side of Robin and her relationships. This piece turns and makes it more about Robin's relationships, however in the process Fredrick loses most of his significance, and it really makes the story feel shaky. In a sense, Fredrick is the foundation of the story. That and, the time crunch is sorta apparent. There are moments when quoting or using the original source exactly are nice and cute callbacks. This piece, relied on them too hard in my opinion. If it had just been the Robin waking up scene, I would've probably been fine with it, but adding in the first meeting scene practically word of word, and also it being about half of Freddy's lines rubbed me the wrong way. All that said, still a fun piece to read. Also I was really expecting like a big fight scene. Ngl I was a little disappointed. I might have to try and write one now to get my fix. @Jotari Reveal hidden contents You noted that the piece was rushed and it certainly feels that way. A lot of typos and other small errors that generally bring down the overall quality of the piece. As a whole, the piece just kinda feels unfocused. The story hems and haws but doesn't really feel decisive. The new characters aren't particularly stand out, and really don't provide much of a strong base. Degore almost gets there, but then the story abruptly ends. What this story needed was to have a few more scenes, namely a death scene for Mordred and Degore. If you want to make them seem more human, showing them in their final moments would've succeeded in that. On top of that, I would've added a flashback or two showing how Kieran developed his impression of his father and brother, strengthen the ties to the original tale and all. It's a decent enough piece, but it feels way too slap-dash and doesn't have much, if any substance. @Azure loves his Half Elves Reveal hidden contents Good lord 9 pages long. I thought the four pages when I originally gave you a hand were long but jeez. Not knocking it, clearly a lot of effort was put in, and it's pretty impressive. In the context of some of the advice I gave you about your story, I'd say you implemented it pretty well. Your dialogue is much better, in my opinion, and the dialogue in the later parts of the story are pretty fluid. That said, the wording can sometimes get a bit jumbly. Like I said, read it out loud. If it doesn't sound good out loud, rewrite it. On top of that, there are some other grammatical errors and the like, most major being how on page 6 Severa's line with Inigo is just, not finished. This on top of the, sorta sloppy ending. Like yeah I felt sad, but it didn't really feel conclusive in its nature. But I think that's the flaw in writing a longer piece, the finer details can slip through the cracks. Like I said before, you did obviously put a lot of effort in, but personally I would've focused on creating a slightly shorter, tighter narrative than the one you did create. Although I know why your piece is the way it is, and it has to relate both with your initial idea and how you decided to execute it. Out of all the entries, yours leans the least onto the source material. I'd probably say yours is the only story that entirely would work on its own without reading the original, as the others rely majorly in some way or another on the source. Although as a result of your idea, you then had to tell the entirety of Ott's story, while also telling your story. That's what gives the piece some of its bloat. Like I said, enjoyed your piece a ton (Hated the ending, just give them a happy ending damnit. I don't wanna cry.), and it was fun to both read and help you out with it. However I feel like it was a real "bite off more than you can chew" moment. Was reading all the entries that the pieces were based on necessary? Probably not, but it helped understand where the author was coming from, somewhat. Anyways, glad we're rocking that 7 way tie. Perfectly balanced as all things should be, and all that jazz. Oof, that was my bad for not linking to Scoot’s original. It’s on here, just buried somewhere in my ‘write a character interacting with another version of themselves’ round, I believe Anon linked to it in his ‘timeline of nonsense’ he threw together shortly after I posted my piece. If you want I’ll dig it out for you tomorrow, it’s an amazing read and I was really sad I couldn’t vote for it as he missed the deadline by like half a day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acacia Sgt Posted September 3, 2020 Share Posted September 3, 2020 2 hours ago, Benice said: XD NOOBS MOVE OVER I HAS HIGHEST WIN-PARTICIPATION RATIO AND MOST PARTICIPATION Pft, my single runner up entry begs to differ. Anyway, that graph is quite interesting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheSilentChloey Posted September 3, 2020 Share Posted September 3, 2020 3 hours ago, DarthR0xas said: Alright, got a lot to read this round and it's gonna be a busy week, so I'll probably keep these short and snappy. @Shoblongoo Reveal hidden contents It's an interesting little piece, although it does feel like it could use some fleshing out. Your world for the fairies reminds me a lot of the movie "Strange Magic", although I haven't seen it in 5 years so it's probably not as apt a comparison as I think it is. Regardless, while it may be beyond the scope of a small story, it just kinda feels like the fae world doesn't really have a place. You have bits and pieces of stuff you could elaborate on to better portray Fae society. Vendilin's attitude towards humans, the weird contradictions of their society, but none of them really go anywhere. It ends up feeling more like a concept piece than an actual meaningful story. That said, it's a damn good concept piece that left me wanting more. @TheSilentChloey Reveal hidden contents It's a very well written piece, on a technical level, but there's just a little something that feels off about it and I'm just not sure how to place it. It might be that Byleth is a telepath, which I personally don't see the reason for. Maybe it's that Ashe lives, which both kinda ruins the whole point of the original story and doesn't really have much purpose outside of you like him and want him to survive. I get not wanting to exactly copy the conversation that Azure wrote and so changing some of the details, but by making sure he lives it kinda takes away from the more dark atmosphere of the story. Sure Rodrigue dies, but as a reader, we don't have any attachment to him, we have it to the character we start off with, Felix. Personally I would've had this all take place from Rodrigue's perspective, or just all take place from Felix's perspective. And that kinda gets to what I think it is the issue that makes it feel off, which would be the sort of disparate nature of the story. The story is essentially split into two halves, and I don't feel like they gracefully transition or relate. The first is the part mainly based on Azure's story, with a camp scene for when he leaves. And I love the camp scene, by the way, easily the best part of the piece. Then there's the Rodrigue murder sequence. It just feels like a very harsh and fast jump. The piece really relies on you having played CF before, or at the very least understanding the general outline of its story. Granted, this is an FE forum so having that understanding isn't an absurd thing to ask for, but as a piece I feel it suffers as a result. As I said before, the reader doesn't have as strong a connection to Rodrigue as Felix, and as such most of the scenes involving him feel a bit flat. This is contrasted when we go back to Felix and it feels more natural, but then Annette comes in. This is another change from the source, but since Annette isn't killed on-page in Azure's piece I'd say it's fine, but I feel like you don't lean into it enough. Yes this is partially because I'm a sucker for romance, but if you want one of Felix's driving motivations to be his relationship with Annette, then have them interact. Their relationship as is feels both tacked on, and intended from the start. Again, the story was good, I enjoyed reading it, it's still very well written. I just feel like it needed some more time in the oven, to flesh out character dynamics more, and maybe make the timeskip more seamless. @SoulWeaver Reveal hidden contents Welp, couldn't read the original piece, so I guess I'll just jump in. That was the dumbest story I have read in a while and I fucking loved it. Do I entirely understand what happened? No, but the gimmick of everything being an Anna pun is good enough for me to enjoy the story regardless. Although I do feel that the story suffers as a result of it partially relying on the base piece, but none of us being able to read said base piece. Still has my vote, fucking love puns. @Ottservia Reveal hidden contents You said in your authors notes that you feel the piece is lacking substance. I'd moreso say that I feel the substance is slightly misplaced. I kinda feel like you got a little caught up in the idea of basically portraying what that song you posted portrays, and in doing so lost some focus, as well as overall just kinda making it a weaker piece. I just personally feel like the original wasn't meant to be a shounen style story, and in trying to make it one, it just kinda doesn't work. Don't get me wrong, I love cheesy shounen nonsense as much as the next guy, but it's not great at portraying emotion. It's a cool moment, sure, but the feelings you're trying to portray with it don't fully pan out. Both the original, and this piece to an extent are about Fredrick and his relationships, with a side of Robin and her relationships. This piece turns and makes it more about Robin's relationships, however in the process Fredrick loses most of his significance, and it really makes the story feel shaky. In a sense, Fredrick is the foundation of the story. That and, the time crunch is sorta apparent. There are moments when quoting or using the original source exactly are nice and cute callbacks. This piece, relied on them too hard in my opinion. If it had just been the Robin waking up scene, I would've probably been fine with it, but adding in the first meeting scene practically word of word, and also it being about half of Freddy's lines rubbed me the wrong way. All that said, still a fun piece to read. Also I was really expecting like a big fight scene. Ngl I was a little disappointed. I might have to try and write one now to get my fix. @Jotari Reveal hidden contents You noted that the piece was rushed and it certainly feels that way. A lot of typos and other small errors that generally bring down the overall quality of the piece. As a whole, the piece just kinda feels unfocused. The story hems and haws but doesn't really feel decisive. The new characters aren't particularly stand out, and really don't provide much of a strong base. Degore almost gets there, but then the story abruptly ends. What this story needed was to have a few more scenes, namely a death scene for Mordred and Degore. If you want to make them seem more human, showing them in their final moments would've succeeded in that. On top of that, I would've added a flashback or two showing how Kieran developed his impression of his father and brother, strengthen the ties to the original tale and all. It's a decent enough piece, but it feels way too slap-dash and doesn't have much, if any substance. @Azure loves his Half Elves Reveal hidden contents Good lord 9 pages long. I thought the four pages when I originally gave you a hand were long but jeez. Not knocking it, clearly a lot of effort was put in, and it's pretty impressive. In the context of some of the advice I gave you about your story, I'd say you implemented it pretty well. Your dialogue is much better, in my opinion, and the dialogue in the later parts of the story are pretty fluid. That said, the wording can sometimes get a bit jumbly. Like I said, read it out loud. If it doesn't sound good out loud, rewrite it. On top of that, there are some other grammatical errors and the like, most major being how on page 6 Severa's line with Inigo is just, not finished. This on top of the, sorta sloppy ending. Like yeah I felt sad, but it didn't really feel conclusive in its nature. But I think that's the flaw in writing a longer piece, the finer details can slip through the cracks. Like I said before, you did obviously put a lot of effort in, but personally I would've focused on creating a slightly shorter, tighter narrative than the one you did create. Although I know why your piece is the way it is, and it has to relate both with your initial idea and how you decided to execute it. Out of all the entries, yours leans the least onto the source material. I'd probably say yours is the only story that entirely would work on its own without reading the original, as the others rely majorly in some way or another on the source. Although as a result of your idea, you then had to tell the entirety of Ott's story, while also telling your story. That's what gives the piece some of its bloat. Like I said, enjoyed your piece a ton (Hated the ending, just give them a happy ending damnit. I don't wanna cry.), and it was fun to both read and help you out with it. However I feel like it was a real "bite off more than you can chew" moment. Was reading all the entries that the pieces were based on necessary? Probably not, but it helped understand where the author was coming from, somewhat. Anyways, glad we're rocking that 7 way tie. Perfectly balanced as all things should be, and all that jazz. I'm just glad people enjoyed it and yeah, me making Byleth a telepath makes more sense in Crimson Clouds (because fuck it I will get to explaining that) than this fic, but hey, had to give it it's own spin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonymousSpeed Posted September 3, 2020 Author Share Posted September 3, 2020 14 hours ago, Benice said: XD NOOBS MOVE OVER I HAS HIGHEST WIN-PARTICIPATION RATIO AND MOST PARTICIPATION Jeez, Shob really does sweep the competiton a lot... We did have one other person with three entries and no wins, but they haven't posted in what could actually be called years at this point (I do not like this), so I didn't include them. With a win ratio of 0.462, I'd say he does. 12 hours ago, Acacia Sgt said: Pft, my single runner up entry begs to differ. Anyway, that graph is quite interesting. Yeah, I'm looking forward to screwing around with my new excel sheet. I thought about including you in there, because like Benice you post even if you don't enter very much, but if I put in everyone who only submitted one or two stories, we'd have like 26 bars on the graph or something. @TheSilentChloey deserves mention for having a literal 100% participation rate. She has submitted a story for every round, even ones she picked the prompt for. The second highest participation rate is Anacybele at 61.8%. Keep up the good work you two, it has prevented many 1-2 entry rounds before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anacybele Posted September 3, 2020 Share Posted September 3, 2020 ...Well, never thought I'd see a tie like this in this contest. o_O I wonder what's going to happen here after the next couple days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonymousSpeed Posted September 3, 2020 Author Share Posted September 3, 2020 50 minutes ago, Anacybele said: ...Well, never thought I'd see a tie like this in this contest. o_O I wonder what's going to happen here after the next couple days. It's truly remarkable. We have two options. Someone votes and basically picks who wins. The tie remains and most likely Jotari gets the victory since he has gone the longest without suggesting a prompt. That's kind of lame, because he also just hasn't been able to submit as much as other people who have technically won since he has, but at the same time it's cool because he doesn't apparently have as many chances at winning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anacybele Posted September 3, 2020 Share Posted September 3, 2020 1 minute ago, AnonymousSpeed said: It's truly remarkable. We have two options. Someone votes and basically picks who wins. The tie remains and most likely Jotari gets the victory since he has gone the longest without suggesting a prompt. That's kind of lame, because he also just hasn't been able to submit as much as other people who have technically won since he has, but at the same time it's cool because he doesn't apparently have as many chances at winning. Yeah, I kinda thought as much. I really hope I don't have to skip whatever the prompt is, I'm getting kind of tired of having to do that. xP Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottservia Posted September 3, 2020 Share Posted September 3, 2020 15 hours ago, DarthR0xas said: You said in your authors notes that you feel the piece is lacking substance. I'd moreso say that I feel the substance is slightly misplaced. I kinda feel like you got a little caught up in the idea of basically portraying what that song you posted portrays, and in doing so lost some focus, as well as overall just kinda making it a weaker piece. I just personally feel like the original wasn't meant to be a shounen style story, and in trying to make it one, it just kinda doesn't work. Don't get me wrong, I love cheesy shounen nonsense as much as the next guy, but it's not great at portraying emotion. It's a cool moment, sure, but the feelings you're trying to portray with it don't fully pan out. Both the original, and this piece to an extent are about Fredrick and his relationships, with a side of Robin and her relationships. This piece turns and makes it more about Robin's relationships, however in the process Fredrick loses most of his significance, and it really makes the story feel shaky. In a sense, Fredrick is the foundation of the story. That and, the time crunch is sorta apparent. There are moments when quoting or using the original source exactly are nice and cute callbacks. This piece, relied on them too hard in my opinion. If it had just been the Robin waking up scene, I would've probably been fine with it, but adding in the first meeting scene practically word of word, and also it being about half of Freddy's lines rubbed me the wrong way. Yeah I will admit that the focal point of this piece is a little messy. The ending in particular kinda feels rushed looking back. The reason I ended it the way I did was because I felt if I didn't focal point on that by the end it would've felt incomplete. I enjoyed writing the beginning immensely but you're right it does kinda loses focus once that part ends. Oh well sometimes I get a little overly ambitious for my own good. Also I wasn't really going for a shounen style story for this one. If I was, the story would've been waaay different but I digress 15 hours ago, DarthR0xas said: All that said, still a fun piece to read. Also I was really expecting like a big fight scene. Ngl I was a little disappointed. I might have to try and write one now to get my fix. I mean I wanted to but I couldn't find the right entry for it. Fight scenes are difficult because you need to have a deep understanding of both combatants before you write it and to be able to communicate that to the audience in a very clear and concise way. Fights are stories in it of themselves and require an immense amount of build up or good characterization because the most important part of a fight is not so much the fight itself but rather the context surrounding it and I just couldn't find an entry where I could reasonably create that context in a compelling way without overloading on the backstory. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jotari Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 (edited) On 8/31/2020 at 11:31 AM, Azure loves his Half Elves said: Update. It is done. I hope to make an unofficial official expansion to this some time in the future. As it stands, though, this is my work. Black, White, and Crimson: Words: 4,099 Based off of: @Ottservia’s Always Left Behind Hide contents https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LIx1Ug8no7UovY5NALr3S6e7u-gEQ0ejlBZoqamUsSE/edit Spoiler So I don't think I've read the original story here, so I'm not sure what it takes from that. Not much other than the pairing (and possibly a gay Severa) I suppose as this does seem like a general Awakening fic. That being said, I think it was a pretty great idea to use Severa's insecurities with Morgan. The prose I found a bit weak though. There was some pretty awkward phrasing and spelling errors. One sentence just looked plain unfinished too (of course I judge, but my entry this round suffers from similar problems. So, yeah, I'm in a glass house but amma still gonna throw those stones). On 8/22/2020 at 2:43 PM, DarthR0xas said: Alright, that was a blast to write, although I got stuck at a few places trying to figure out how to connect some moments. Anyways, here's the story. A Sequel to Ottservia's "The Story Unknown to All" (As such I recommend at least skimming over that one before reading this, just to get some better context) Word Count: 2078 Smiling with Innocent Eyes Reveal hidden contents Lucina brushed aside the dark blue bangs that hung over her face, still trying to process what had just happened. Severa had rushed out of the infirmary tent after screaming that she was sorry. Lucina had reached out as Severa ran, her red twintails flowing behind her as she flung the tent flaps open. Severa wouldn’t listen as Lucina called after her, leaving the bewildered girl in her bed. “She’s sorry, but what’s she sorry for?” Lucina wondered aloud. She started to lay back down, but stopped halfway through. Something was wrong, her heart was racing. But, why? The battle had long since past, she had been sitting in this tent for hours. But Severa, just her being there had made it race faster than even her toughest battles with Grima. Her mind was buzzing, repeating the conversation they had again, and again. Every sensation, every emotion, every moment, again, and again. But how could Severa make her feel like that, the only time you’d feel like that is if you . . . Lucina slowly turned and got out of the bed. Her body ached, and her left leg which had gotten nailed by an arrow buzzed with a dull pain. In spite of this, she grabbed her Falchion and hobbled out towards the direction she thought Severa would’ve headed. ~*~ “It’s better this way.” That’s what Severa thought as she curled up besides a great oak tree. Nobody would want to love someone as worthless as her, she’s nothing but disgusting garbage thrown at the perfection of not only her mother, but now Lucina. She peeked out above her knees, trying to find something to focus on, to distract her mind from these horrible thoughts. But all she saw was the river, and her reflection in it. The reflection of the girl destined to roll on forever within the endless void of her mother’s shadow. “Why, why couldn’t I have been stronger?” She almost silently spoke between sobs. She clutched her knees tighter to her chest and buried her face in them. She had been so worried about Lucina that she hadn’t even changed out of her battle armor, the cold metal of her knee-braces turning hot against her flushed face. She wailed, “If only I could’ve told her.” From behind her, she heard a voice.“Told me what?”Severa glanced in the direction of the voice, seeing a pained, limping Lucina.“Wha- What are you doing here you idiot?” She said as she quickly got up and rushed over to support Lucina. “You should be in bed, those are serious wounds.”Lucina let go of the Falchion she had used as a walking stick, and leaned onto Severa, saying, “Well, some things were just more important.” Severa lowered Lucina down against the tree and sat by her. The two of them sat in silence, watching the night sky. Stars dotted the infinite blackness that seemed to absorb everything around them. Severa stared, letting herself fall into an almost trancelike state as the stars twinkled. ~*~ “I meant it, you know.” Lucina’s words cut through the night and shook Severa out of her trance.“You what?” Severa asked, looking over to see Lucina staring right at her.“I mean it when I said that I liked you a lot.” Lucina’s brilliant blue eyes looked right into Severa’s scarlet ones. Severa quickly glanced away. “Oh, you were talking about that.” She wanted to run, she couldn’t do this, she had already failed, there was no chance. She was doomed to forever be a pathetic loser. “In fact, I think it might be more than a like, maybe more like a love.” Lucina said, as Severa’s face lit up a bright red.“How could you love someone like me? I’m just a burden who's standing in your way.” Severa said back, as she began nervously running her hands through her crimson hair.Lucina scooched closer to Severa, saying “I don’t think of you as a burden, how could I when you’ve done so much for me?”“Are you talking about the battlefield today? Anyone would’ve done that, I’m not special.” Severa said as her fingers began to tense up, almost pulling on her hair at this point.“Anyone could’ve but it was you who did it” Lucina responded.“Whatever, just leave me alone.” Severa said, tears beginning to form in her eyes.“You had something you wanted to tell me, and I’m not leaving until I hear it.” Lucina said, crossing her arms as though to prove a point. Severa went silent as her brain was spinning. This was her chance, it was sitting right next to her, almost literally handing the opportunity on a silver platter right to her. But again and again she was refusing it. Why? Why couldn’t she even look at Lucina?The tears began to stream down her face, as she silently wept into her arms.“Severa?” Lucina asked, with a look of caring concern. “Are you ok?” Severa exploded, “NO, I’M NOT! I can’t, I just can’t say what I want to, what I need to. I’m an utter failure.” She buried her head back into her knees as the tears kept flowing out. “Severa, you’re not a failure. And whatever you say, know I’ll accept you.” Lucina said, as she put a reassuring hand on Severa’s shoulder.Lucina’s touch awoke something in Severa. “She’ll accept me, you have nothing to fear.” she thought to herself. Even if she was scared, she had to take this chance. “If Lucina thinks I’m not a failure, then it’s gotta be true”. Severa slowly looked back towards Lucina, looking at all of her. She was wearing a simple blue shirt and brown pants that covered up the bandages. In spite of the simplicity, it looked elegant on her. Eventually Severa’s eyes met Lucina’s, and in them Severa found a world even more vast than the night sky that had entranced her just moments before. In them she saw beauty, she saw the girl she loved more than life itself. But more than that, she saw the will, the drive, the confidence to move forward, and to finally be free from her own burdens. Severa cleared her thoughts, and then quietly asked, “Hey Lucina?” “Yes Severa?” Lucina responded, her words full of kindness and acceptance, begging Severa to be open to her. Severa started, quietly saying “I . . .”. She began fidgeting, she clenched her eyes shut. She repeated herself, louder this time, “I . . .”. The doubts flooded back into her mind but she kept pushing them out, supplanting them with her thoughts “I can do this, I will do this, I have to do this.” She sucked in a deep breath, and looked Lucina dead in her innocent, smiling eyes. “Lucina, I love you. I love you more than anything in this world. You give me the strength to do things I thought I could never do.” Lucina smiled, grabbed Severa’s hand and pulled herself so there wasn’t any space between them. “Well I already knew that”, she jokingly said.Severa pouted, “Idiot, if you already knew it then why’d you make me say it?”“Because it means so much to hear you say it.” Lucina said as she placed her hand onto Severa’s cheek, leaning in for a kiss.Severa sputtered out a response, “Wha- Lucina isn’t this a bit sud-mmph” but was silenced as Lucina locked lips with her. In that moment Severa knew she had made the right choice. As the two fumbled their way into a kiss, they seemed to meld into one person. Warmth spread into her body as joy and love seemed never-ending. She put her arms around Lucina and held tight, not wanting the messy moment to ever end. The two eventually pulled away from one another, and looked deep into each other’s eyes. “Well, I guess we should start heading back.” Lucina said as she struggled to get up.Severa looked and saw the rising sun behind Lucina, realizing just how long they had spent together. “Oh, I guess we probably should.” She quickly stood up and helped the still injured warrior to her feet. It was at this moment she noticed the Falchion still sticking out of the ground. “Did you really use the Falchion as a walking stick to find me? Aren’t you worried it’ll be ruined?” She asked as she led Lucina over to it. Lucina pulled it out of the ground, “It’s fine, I’ll sharpen it later. And even if it was damaged, I would gladly have done it again.” she said, leaning back onto Severa’s shoulders.“Why? That’s a priceless sword.” Severa said, nodding towards the blade Lucina held in her right hand.Lucina looked at it, and then back to Severa, saying “Sure, but then I would’ve traded it for something even more priceless.” ~*~ Severa was searching around the family house. She and Lucina were going off on a journey the next day, so she was trying to finish any leftover business. She was poking around one of the old bookshelves when she found what she was looking for. Behind some of her father’s tomes was a tattered, old leather book. It was one she distinctly remembered from her childhood. “Make Him Fall for You in a Fortnight” she said, reading the title out loud. “What a stupid idea, what idiot falls for someone that fast?” Sitting back in a chair, she cracked it open and started to read it. “‘Baking him pies is a great start, the easiest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.’ I guess that could apply to Lucina too, that woman could eat a bear and still be hungry.” Severa said, chuckling to herself as she turned the page. She was skimming it when something struck her. “Wait, I think I recognize these words, lemme see here. ‘But there’s one thing men seek above all else. Appearance. A voluptuous form will catch their eye and make them fall for you in less than a fortnight.’” Severa sat there, looking at that page. Memories of the past flowed back through her mind. Her mother’s sad face when she saw the book, and how quickly she put back on a happy appearance to not disturb the young Severa. She must’ve sat there a while, because her mother came in. “Severa what are you doing?” Cordelia asked softly. “Aren’t you setting off early tomorrow?”“Oh, yes mother.” Severa said, “I was just reminiscing about the past.” She handed the book to her mother, whose cheery eyes immediately went sad upon seeing the book.“This is the book you’re looking back on for memories?” Cordelia asked incredulously, cordially flipping through a page or two.“Remember back when I read a page and you were mortified?” Severa asked, a soft smile forming on her face. Cordelia sighed, “I wish I didn’t, but maybe it was for the better.” She stood up and put the book back on the bookshelf.Severa leaned forward in her seat and looked at her mom inquisitively. “Why would it be for the better”, she asked.Cordelia walked over and kneeled down next to Severa, “Because you were able to avoid the biggest failure of my life.”Severa grinned, “Well, it didn’t stop me from making a lot of other mistakes.” Cordelia kissed Severa on the forehead. “Come on now little miss ‘Married to the Exalt’, off to bed.”Severa put on a mock pout, “MOM, she’s not even the exalt yet, and we aren’t married.”Cordelia chuckled, “Engaged, married, same thing. Either way, one day it’ll be my girl who sits on the throne with her.” Severa got up and started walking towards her room, as she got to the door she turned around, asking “Hey, what was with that ‘little miss’ comment?”Cordelia smiled, responding “As long as you’re under this house, you’re still my little girl.”Severa yawned, and instead of throwing back some joking annoyance, merely nodded and said “Night mom.”“Night dear” Cordelia said as Severa closed the door. Laying down on her bed, Severa looked up at the ceiling. She thought back to the night when Lucina finally squeezed a confession out of her. “It was a wonder she stuck around so long for me, but I’m glad she did.” Severa sleepily said to herself. She closed her eyes, resting until the dawn of the new day, when she and Lucina would go out and make the story known to all. Some Self Reflections: Reveal hidden contents As I said before, I really enjoyed writing this story. When I saw this prompt, I just felt like writing something about Severa, so I started combing over Ott's entries. For a day an a half I was actually working on another entry based on his "The Sun's Gentle Hands" piece, but I ran into the issue that it was really fucking depressing, and like, I was in the mood for some romance. Then I remembered that there was a piece that focused Lucina and Severa almost exclusively, and found it. Of course, that one also had a sad ending, and I was not having that. I was getting those two the happy ending they deserved. That aside, writing a sequel piece had some limitations. There was a subplot I wanted to add in about Chrom being iffy about the whole Lucina and Severa hooking up thing, but I decided to cut it since it wasn't really in the original piece. I tried to make it seem like the other half, trying to seamlessly have our entries operate as one, and thusly I tried to keep similar theming throughout. I won't say I was perfect, I don't have the absolute perfect grasp on Severa's character that Ott has, and I kinda made Lucina be a bit more flirty and wiser than she normally is, to better act as a foil to Severa's self-deprecation. And Cordelia I barely knew how to write. I kinda just used my own mom as inspiration at that point, with slight reference to supports for wording choice. Although that line from Cordelia about "As long as you're under this house" was straight from my mom, since it just felt so wholesome. I also realized halfway through that describing romance is like, really hard. I tried to embody a more innocent sense of love and passion. Not sure how well I succeeded in that, guess I'll find out. Spoiler So even before I start reading here, I'll say great title. And I see this is pulling from the same story as Azure's entry. So S Support achieved. I can't really say much more beyond that as there isn't really a whole lot to this story. It's just a confession and that's basically it. The bit with the book at the end could have been cut off and it really wouldn't have changed much. I get that this is more of a capstone to the previous entry that ended more tragically, but as a stand alone work its a bit lacking in substance imo. On 8/29/2020 at 10:05 AM, Ottservia said: This one was more fun to write than I originally thought it would be. It's an offshoot of @Anacybele's "A Knight's Duty". Breathe, Once More! Word count: 1,781 Hide contents Robin’s lungs felt as heavy as cinder blocks as she continued to sink deeper into the endless dark ocean. The shimmering horizon above drifted away as the frozen world around her continued to slowly decay into the darkness. Where exactly was she? Was she dead? Or was she alive? She couldn’t quite tell. How did she even get here? The last thing she could remember was that she and Chrom were fighting Grima and then… “MILORD, ROBIN!! LOOK OUT!!” She could feel her lungs explode as those words echoed through her head. The images of that moment rushed through her head like an all-consuming torrential flood. It all happened so fast. One moment they were fighting, and the next, her face was splattered in blood as the man she loved collapsed in front of her. She looked at her hands that were once drenched in her husband’s blood. Now they were nothing more than barely visible silhouettes outlined by the sun’s distant light. “GRIMA. YOU WANT DESPAIR?! THEN YOU CAN HAVE IT!! I AM YOUR DESPAIR!!! I AM YOUR END!!!” Her hands tightened into fists as she recalled those words. At that moment, she saw nothing but red. Nothing seemed to matter to her anymore except eradicating the one that took the one she loved away from her. She didn’t care about what happened just so long as she could satiate her vengeance. Her arms drifted back to her sides. Now here she was drowning in an endless dark ocean. She looked up to see that the surface was farther than before. Only a single beam of light seemed to peak through the darkness and hit her forehead. “It hurts, doesn’t it?” She heard a dark malicious voice speak up. She blinked only to see a reflection of herself with deep red eyes appear centimeters from her face. Those blood-red haunting eyes that gazed into her soul. Robin opened her mouth to speak only to find herself gasping for air. Her lungs seemed to shatter as she clasped her throat in a vain attempt to draw breath. “Oh my, how amusing,” Her reflection said with a sinister smirk, “you think you have power here? Is that it?” She laughed, “how cute” Robin’s face scrunched into a scowl as she continued to look into the mirror above her. Two hands seemed to reach out and cup her face from the mirror’s surface. Her blood continued to boil as she glared into those condescending and blood-red eyes. Her left hand twitched in irritation as it was enveloped in a bright purple glow. “You should know by now, shouldn’t you?” Her reflection’s left hand glowed the same as hers as she brought their foreheads together, “That you are helpless in the face of despair, after all, we are the same, you and I” Her malicious smile only seemed to grow wider as those cold words left her lips. Robin’s mind snapped at those words. The purple glow on her hand intensified as she reached into the mirror. Her fingers dug into the fabric of her reflection’s collar. “So, you mean to defy me again, do you?” She said before letting out a maniacal laugh that echoed all across the dark abyss, “that cute expression on your face says it all! But can’t you see the fact that you’re here already proves that you cannot defy me” Robin continued to glare into the mirror. What could she mean by that? What is this place? Why was she even here? And besides shouldn’t Grima be… Her grip loosened a bit as those questions began to buzz through her head. “You’re wondering why I’m here, aren’t you?” Her reflection spoke again, “I should be dead, right?” Robin’s eyes went wide at those words. How did she?! “Like I said, we are one and the same, you and I” She let out a dark chuckle, “You are helpless in the face of despair even in the end you gave into those wild emotions” Robin gasped as she realized the meaning behind her words. Her lungs once again exploded as she struggled for breath once more. Like a fish out of water, her body flailed around helplessly. Her chest felt tight like it was about to burst. She could feel her lungs screaming for air as a flood of water rushed down her throat. Her arms flailed around wildly trying to grasp at something, anything to pull herself out but she found nothing but water. Even the mirror seemed to have shattered, the shards scattered to the surrounding darkness. A maniacal laugh once again rang across the ocean depths. “How pathetic!” She heard a familiar voice speak up, “What do you hope to accomplish flailing around like that?! It’s useless! You and I are trapped here! The only escape is to accept that you and I are the same! Give into this suffocating despair and become one with me once more so you don’t have to breathe any longer” “We are the same, you and I” Her reflection repeated once again, “The pain, the anguish, the anger, and despair you feel, I feel as well! So succumb to those feelings once again so that we may rise once more! And kill all those who caused us this pain!” Robin stopped her flailing as she continued to sink ever deeper. For a moment, her body laid still as she looked up towards the surface covered in darkness. Her reflection was right. They were one and the same. She did give into her hate at the end. She repeated the same mistake she did before. She didn’t kill Grima. She merely delayed the inevitable. She hasn’t changed at all. She is still the same person who succumbed to her despair back in the ruinous future. Once again, she failed to save the one she loved. What purpose is there in life without him. Might as well just destroy it all and be rid of this pain forever. slowly, her eyes began to close. She was a fool for trying to breathe at all and invite this endless pain. All it takes for it to stop is to stop breathing one last time. Then maybe she can finally be with him once again. “No, don’t!” Her eyes shot open at the sound of a familiar voice That voice?! Could it be?! “Don’t listen to her words,” The voice spoke again as she felt a hand press up against her back, “The woman I loved would never succumb to her own weakness like that, after all, it was you who gave me the strength to overcome mine” “Freddy” She squeaked out amidst the endless abyss. “That’s right, our mom would never make the same mistake twice” She heard her two kids say as two more more hands pressed against her back. “You really think our bonds so flimsy that you would abandon them so quickly” She heard Chrom speak up. “Yeah my brother’s right! It’s not time for you to die just yet there are people waiting for you! People who need you!” Lissa’s voice rang into her ears as more hands began to press up against her back. Slowly, she felt herself being pushed to the surface as the voices of all her friends began to fill her ears. “It isn’t time for us to meet just yet” Her husband spoke up again, “You still have ties strong enough to that world and it’s too early for you to let go of them now so go and breathe once more! For me! Our children! And, everyone else!” With those final words, Robin felt her body rocket to the surface. She closed her eyes as the bright light stung at her eyes. ---- “Chrom, we have to do something” Lissa’s voice picked at her ears as she slowly began to open her eyes. Robin squinted as the harsh sunlight assaulted her eyes. She blinked as the blurry world began to shift into focus. “What do you propose we do?” She heard Chrom speak up. “Uh...I dunno!” The two then glanced down at Robin. “I see you’re awake now” Chrom said as he put out his hand, “There are better places to take a nap than on the ground, you know. Now give me your hand” Robin grabbed Chrom’s hand and was pulled to her feet. “Welcome back” He said with a soft smile, “It’s over now” “Yep” Lissa said with a wide smile. “Thanks, Chrom” She smiled back. Robin quickly looked behind the two royals. Her heart sunk as she saw no one standing in the space behind them. Her eyes dropped to the floor as a light breeze brushed through her hair. “I’m sorry...” Chrom said as he put a hand on Robin’s shoulder. For a moment, there was nothing but silence as the light summer breeze passed by them. “It would’ve been his birthday, today” Lissa finally spoke up. “Yeah...” Robin said as she stood there in the light of sun’s warm gentle rays. For a moment, she saw him standing there like he once did on that fateful day. ----- “It’s called a load of pegasus dung” Frederick bluntly said as he shot Robin a stern look, “We’re to believe you remember milord’s name, but not your own?” Robin flinched at those words, “B-But it’s the truth!” “What if it IS true, Frederick?” Chrom turned to his retainer, “We can’t just leave her here, alone and confused! What kind of shepherds would we be then?” “Just the same, milord. I must emphasize caution” He said with a sigh, “‘Twould not do to let a wolf into our flock” “Right then” Chrom put his hands to his hips, “We’ll take her back to town and sort this out there” “W-Wait, don’t I get a say in this?” Robin asked. “Peace friend” Chrom smiled at her, “I promise we’ll have all you have to say back in town” ----- Tears began to stream down her face as she recalled the day they met. “Robin, are you gonna be alright?” Lissa asked as she looked up at her with her clear blue eyes. “I’ll be fine,” Robin wiped the tears from her eyes, “Thanks, Lissa,” she said with a smile. “Are you sure?” Chrom asked. Robin nodded, “So let’s just go, alright” “Right,” Chrom said with a soft smile. ------ The warm summer breeze brushed through Robin’s snow white hair as she finished placing her flowers. She wiped a few more tears from her face before looking back down at the large tombstone in front of her. “Thank you, Freddy-bear” She said with a soft smile before taking a bite of bear jerky and walked away. Author notes: Reveal hidden contents So I've been in a bit of shounen mood recently and was listening to some old Naruto openings and came across this one: and so I wanted to write something inspired by it and Ana's story seemed to fit what I wanted to do perfectly. Or at the very least it had all the pieces for it. I'm not entirely sure how to feel about this one though. I'm not very good at writing romance least of all FrederickxRobin but I think I got across the ideas I wanted to. Those ideas being similar to that of the song I based it off of which is the idea of drowning in an ocean of despair. You flail around helplessly lost and confused. You don't where you are or what to do but sometimes you just gotta keep fighting despite all that just to get that single breath of air. That said, I feel it is a little lacking in substance in areas but I was on a bit of a time crunch with this one. Oh well I hope you enjoy it regardless. Spoiler Oh wow. So Awakening's really popular this round. So I get what you were going for here, but I don't really think it worked. This sort of fight in the heart of oneself is climax material, it doesn't really work stand alone and especially when it's the bulk of the story. Even the writing at the end where it's just the characters sitting there felt better because it was more coherent and just generally had more happening beyond "Submit!" "Never!" "Sumbit!" "Maybe" "Sumbit" "No!" Gee, I'm feeling like my comments here are leaning on the harsh side. Feel sort of guilty about that with how my story turned out. Hopefully I'll have some nicer things to say for the other half. Edited September 4, 2020 by Jotari Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoulWeaver Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 Um, Jotari, Azure and Darth used different pieces as groundwork, they just both happened to be by Otts and were as a matter of course both about Severa. 7 hours ago, Ottservia said: I mean I wanted to but I couldn't find the right entry for it. Fight scenes are difficult because you need to have a deep understanding of both combatants before you write it and to be able to communicate that to the audience in a very clear and concise way. Fights are stories in it of themselves and require an immense amount of build up or good characterization because the most important part of a fight is not so much the fight itself but rather the context surrounding it and I just couldn't find an entry where I could reasonably create that context in a compelling way without overloading on the backstory. Dude I pretty much handed you a chance to use a fight scene to build the backstory for the entry itself. That said, I did like what you did put out, even if Jotari’s kind of right that it can basically be summarized using Ansem and Riku’s interaction in Just A Pancake’s Kingdom Hearts CoM In A Nutshell video. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottservia Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 (edited) 28 minutes ago, SoulWeaver said: Dude I pretty much handed you a chance to use a fight scene to build the backstory for the entry itself. That said, I did like what you did put out, even if Jotari’s kind of right that it can basically be summarized using Ansem and Riku’s interaction in Just A Pancake’s Kingdom Hearts CoM In A Nutshell video. I mean I suppose But eh I dunno I guess I just didn’t feel comfortable doing that. I’m just weird like that. I guess there just wasn’t enough there for me to craft an interesting enough conflict.*Shrug* Sometimes I just get an idea in mu head and I just need to put it to paper. 54 minutes ago, Jotari said: That being said, I think it was a pretty great idea to use Severa's insecurities with Morgan. I mean that’s pretty much all the original fic was really. Severa coming to terms with her own insecurities and dying as a result. Not the happiest ending I know but the prompt called for character death and so character death I did. 54 minutes ago, Jotari said: So I get what you were going for here, but I don't really think it worked. This sort of fight in the heart of oneself is climax material, it doesn't really work stand alone and especially when it's the bulk of the story. Even the writing at the end where it's just the characters sitting there felt better because it was more coherent and just generally had more happening beyond "Submit!" "Never!" "Sumbit!" "Maybe" "Sumbit" "No!" Most of it was kinda just an excuse to show my general attraction to female grima... I mean what? Regardless, I like corny shit like that. I mean the original video I was basing this off of was basically Naruto sinking deeper into darkness as he struggles to cope with everything alone until his friends help push him out. He then dives back in to save Sasuke from drowning the same way. It’s honestly one of best examples of visual storytelling the series has. I tried doing something similar. Whether or not I succeeded is a different matter. Really I just like the imagery of a character drowning and flailing around helplessly to try and gasp for air only for it to be completely in vain in the end. I wanted to use that to get across that idea of suffocation by the weight of one’s own grief and despair. Feelings like those can feel suffocating and sometimes you just feel lost and confused. Sometimes you just need to be reminded of who you are in order to keep pushing forward. It’s easy to just give up when you are swamped with grief but you have try and breathe again anyway. Maybe you’ll breathe air or maybe you’ll stay a suffocating diver you won’t know til you try. Edited September 4, 2020 by Ottservia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoulWeaver Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 1 minute ago, Ottservia said: I mean I suppose But eh I dunno I guess I just didn’t feel comfortable doing that. I’m just weird like that. I guess there just wasn’t enough there for me to craft an interesting enough conflict.*Shrug* Sometimes I just get an idea in mu head and I just need to put it to paper. All good, it just made me laugh because you said ‘I’mma do a Fight Scene’ and I said ‘try this’ and Anon said ‘I was gonna suggest the exact same thing’ and you said ‘oh in that case, ah-nee-meh friendship speech.’ Ooh, now that I think about it, the one I should have suggested was Two Silver Candlesticks from the Sacrifice round. Again, not bashing on yours, I definitely liked it almost to first(death scene from opposite PoV won out in the end tho), but thinking about it TSC has the anime-opening style you could make something janky with and I set up enough world building for a potential fight scene, plus it was a throwaway one-shot so it’s not like you could mess the world up since I barely knew anything about it myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottservia Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 14 minutes ago, SoulWeaver said: All good, it just made me laugh because you said ‘I’mma do a Fight Scene’ and I said ‘try this’ and Anon said ‘I was gonna suggest the exact same thing’ and you said ‘oh in that case, ah-nee-meh friendship speech.’ Like I said I really wanted to and I’ve been itching for an excuse to write one for a while. It’s just I felt I couldn’t do one with the restrictions given. and I was gonna do a friendship speech regardless of what I wrote. Why do you y’all hate the power of friendship so much? That shit is good. Makes me feel good anyway because not being able to share one’s pain with another is just not fun. I know from experience. I hate the idea of not mattering to someone else and to me that idea that you do matter to someone means a lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acacia Sgt Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 10 hours ago, AnonymousSpeed said: Yeah, I'm looking forward to screwing around with my new excel sheet. I thought about including you in there, because like Benice you post even if you don't enter very much, but if I put in everyone who only submitted one or two stories, we'd have like 26 bars on the graph or something. Well, "very much" is still an understatement since it's only been the one time. I mean, I've been all over the place when it comes to this. At times I do want to participate, in others I simply don't want anything to do with this place. For most of the prompts I quickly come up with ideas, but they almost never get written, even in private. Those that do it's only a few paragraphs then I delete the whole thing anyway. Writing for this kind of thing is just so... apprehensive, to me. As I stated when I made my one entry, the guilt of having stated a few times I would participate but always failing to deliver simply proved to be too much by that point. Though well, that's that. I'll still be here, reading up the entries, voting maybe, probably post commentary at some point (though not actual reviews, it's hard to do those). Participate again? Well, I'm not entirely dismissing it... but as always, take it with a grain of salt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthR0xas Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 1 hour ago, Jotari said: Gee, I'm feeling like my comments here are leaning on the harsh side. Feel sort of guilty about that with how my story turned out. Hopefully I'll have some nicer things to say for the other half. Ah don't feel guilty about it, what you said about my piece was completely fair. And frankly I agree with all of it. 1 hour ago, Jotari said: So even before I start reading here, I'll say great title. And I see this is pulling from the same story as Azure's entry. Also lol glad my title was good, that's the most important part of the piece. But yeah like Soul said, me and Azure used separate Ott entries. I used "The Story Unknown to All" while Azure used "Always Left Behind". They're pretty similar, but TSUTA is more romance based mainly featuring Lucina, while ALB is more family based, mainly featuring Morgan. Also Severa dies in the latter entry. Ironically I was originally gonna use a different Ott piece where Severa dies, the one where she gets married to Laslow. Forget what it's called. Then I was like "wait I can just do Lucina x Severa" and changed. Kinda glad I did, I like happy endings. 1 hour ago, Jotari said: So S Support achieved. I can't really say much more beyond that as there isn't really a whole lot to this story. It's just a confession and that's basically it. The bit with the book at the end could have been cut off and it really wouldn't have changed much. I get that this is more of a capstone to the previous entry that ended more tragically, but as a stand alone work its a bit lacking in substance imo. I mostly agree with everything here. As a stand alone piece, yeah it is pretty weak. I probably should've considered that aspect a little more. On the other hand, it was exactly what I was going for and wanted. I completely intended it to be that way, and I personally like how you need to read the original piece in order to completely understand mine. I could've included more details that then made it so reading the original wouldn't be necessary, but since I went for this from a sequel angle, I thought that doing so would both ruin the flow of the piece. All that said, I still think the story part at the end has merit, even if without the context of Ott's original piece it seems a little odd. Both as an overall ending, and to show how Severa has slightly grown, or at least that's what I tried to show. Of course the full meaning, like much of the piece, isn't apparent unless you've read both pieces, but even as a stand alone piece I think that cutting the ending would drastically shift the feeling of the piece, since it would instead end on a really cheesy Lucina line, instead of really cheesy thought Severa has. Maybe you have a point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jotari Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 2 hours ago, SoulWeaver said: Um, Jotari, Azure and Darth used different pieces as groundwork, they just both happened to be by Otts and were as a matter of course both about Severa. Oh wow. I could have sworn I looked before and they had the same title referenced. Huh, maybe my brain was just filling in gaps because they both featured Severa x Lucina. 2 hours ago, SoulWeaver said: Dude I pretty much handed you a chance to use a fight scene to build the backstory for the entry itself. That said, I did like what you did put out, even if Jotari’s kind of right that it can basically be summarized using Ansem and Riku’s interaction in Just A Pancake’s Kingdom Hearts CoM In A Nutshell video. Ah, Just A Pancake, I see you are a man of culture. 2 hours ago, Ottservia said: Imean that’s pretty much all the original fic was really. Severa coming to terms with her own insecurities and dying as a result. Not the happiest ending I know but the prompt called for character death and so character death I did. Ah, so did that fic take the same story and present it from Morgan's point of view instead of Severa's? If so that is an interesting take from a writing perspective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azure the Scale Tipper Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 5 hours ago, Jotari said: Ah, so did that fic take the same story and present it from Morgan's point of view instead of Severa's? If so that is an interesting take from a writing perspective. That’s the case. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jotari Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 On 8/22/2020 at 4:47 AM, Shoblongoo said: Interesting Prompt. Things have calmed down enough at home that I had a moment to whip something together real quick. TITLE: "Amongst the Fae" LENGTH: 1,350 words ORIGINAL WORK: "A Transfigurative Overclass," by @Acacia Sgt Hide contents Life amongst the Fae folk was not unpleasant. Diminished in stature and bereft of her womanly form, Silque had of course been distressed by her unwitting transformation into a faerie. That distress had been short-lived. The Hermit of the Shrine had told her what she lost in physical prowess she would make up for in magic. But the old man’s words had not done justice to just how incredibly her magic would grow. In human form she had studied magic. But as a Faerie she was a creature of it. And the vagaries of magic now came to her as naturally as eating and breathing; enchantment as mundane as placing one foot in front of the other, and fine sorcery as routine as spoken word. There was a beauty all its own to the fae form. And if ever she desired her old one, it was the simplest weave of illusion and glamour to cast the sight of it upon any she wished to perceive it. But it was The Fae themselves that most fascinated her. They were a reclusive folk. Always there, yet never seen. In the woodlands and groves and bluffs of the wild places they kept their kind. Even there: their kingdoms concealed behind such veils of glamour and wards of unseeing that a man could pass right through it and be none-the-wiser. They were lovers of song, poetry, drink, and mischief. They fought no wars, but appreciated the artistry of warcraft. They rode to battle on vespid mounts and in chariots of spring-leaf, for sport. Wielding daggers of antler bone and rapiers of pine needle. Their swordsmen danced and darted on hummingbird wings, with a fluid grace like nothing human. And their lancers stung like hornets. And no human eye could behold the splendor of it all. But Silque was of their kind now. And so welcomed among their kingdoms. There was one among them whom she had taken as a consort. Vendilin, they named him, in the fae tongue. A slender, roguish figure; pale bluish-grey of skin. Black of hair. And his wings like that of a dragonfly; yet luminescent green, and faintly shimmering. A rapier artist of some renown and a Champion of the Games; he was a proud and boastful fae, prone to cutting wit and flights of fancy. But never cocky beyond what the measure of his abilities would warrant, or foolheartedly possessed of confidence without skill. “This form suits you,” he had told her. Mere flattery perhaps; but he had not been the first to note that even among the most vaunted beauties of the fae, Silque’s voluminous butterfly wings were regarded as exceptionally exquisite. (More voluminous and magnificent even then those of Titania herself, some would whisper quietly, although none would be so foolish as to say such things out loud) And it was then that she had truly grown to accept it as her form. Life among the fae was quiet. There was little need for work; for the weaves of magic yielded production without labor. All that they required was bountiful and in surplus. And when one consigned himself to a labor, it was more for the satisfaction of mastering a craft and fashioning something of unique beauty with one’s own hand then for genuine need. Without work, there was only leisure. And the leisure of the fae was a nigh-immortal lifetime of frolics and revels and oneness with nature; forests echoing with laughter that the ears of men would never hear. Yes—life amongst the fae folk was not unpleasant at all. And yet for one accustomed to the trials and tribulations of human struggle, overtime, there was a dull monotony to it. It is said that familiarity breeds contempt. “Contempt” was too harsh a word for it. Silque bore no ill-sentiments towards her adoptive people or their carefree lifestyle. But—boredom. Yes. That was a better word. Endless leisure, surplus without struggle, and a life completely devoid of trials and tribulations was boring. Perhaps there was some sliver of truth to War-Father Duma’s teachings after all. For the life of a Faerie was as perfect a realization of the Earth-Mother’s vision for her children as any that could be conceived. …and yet something was missing from it… And so Silque disembarked from the Faerie Kingdoms. Back to the realms of men. Seeking some semblance of the life she had once known. Vendilin accompanied her. In part, out of attachment. In part, in bewildered bemusement of what she sought. “Twas folly to doubt you, truly.” Vendilin spoke with laden sarcasm. Sampling human-made wine with visible distaste. “Amongst the humans, this is considered a very fine vintage!” Silque assured him. She soothed her vespid mount, and the wasp-like creature wagged its antennae and clicked happily. “Amongst the fae, this is ram’s piss.” Vendilin spat it out. Conjured a goblet of spun silver. And mixed the contents of the wine with his glamour-dust. Then finding the concoction palatable with the addition of Faerie Magic, he drank deep. “Where are we going anyway?” Vendilin asked of her. “To the place from which this vintage hails. Ram Village,” Silque answered. “Ahhhhhh. So it is ram’s piss,” Vendilin quipped. “It was the home of the Human-King Alm,” Silque ignored the barb. “I knew him once. Many long years ago. It is a small farming village. They work the land for their food, you know. ” “Quaint.” Vendilin conjured an apple out of thin air, skewered it upon his rapier, and partook of the fruit. It was perfectly ripened and a pleasing crunchy-sweet. “Do they also marry their livestock?” “Oh, hush!” Silque knew he was only teasing….but still… “Whats so great about toiling under a hot sun and scraping the dirt for a morsel? I’d marry a goat to if I had to…” A woman’s scream cut him off. “That came from the Old Highway.” Silque darted to attention. “Human problems,” Vendilin was recumbent. Leave it be.” “I remember that place…wasn’t that where I…” Silque strained at the memory. She recalled so very little now of her human years, but something came to the forefront. “OH GODS!” And with that, she was off. “…dammnit…” Vendilin fluttered after her. They came upon a juncture in the road where a pair of highwaymen beset a young, female traveler; hoping to make off with her to their lair. Past the northern bend and to the cave off the side of the road; the one with the abandoned shrine. Silque knew, as if by memory. Though she could not say from whence the memory came. On the edge of it she felt a feeling of—powerlessness??? Odd, Silque thought. There was no reason for it. She had power in this place. It was the simplest thing now; to send those men into a deep slumber from which they could do no harm. Silque breathed the breath of magic. She held out her hands to her lips, and blew a kiss. Where it struck them: the highway men collapsed in place. Snoring loudly, and dreaming deep dreams. “What now?” Vendilin held his rapier at the ready. “Shall I needle them through the eye for you, my love?” “Tempting. But unnecessary.” Silque recited her old prayer that such men learn decency. Except it was less prayer now, and more a command. Her magic seeded their dreams. Her suggestions wove their way into their sleeping psyches. And she said: “When they awake—I suspect they will have had a sudden change of heart.” “Hmphhhhh” Vendilin obliged, and sheathed his weapon. “It makes no difference. Humans will act this way for as long as there are humans.” “Not all humans.” Silque told him. “Enough of them.” Vendilin retorted. “Well perhaps the high-and-mighty fae would to, if they had to toil under a hot sun and scrape though dirt for a morsel.” Silque retorted right back. Then teasingly added: “Or would you still rather marry that goat?” Vendilin had a good laugh at that. And they were back on their way.Yes, Silque thought to herself. Life among the Fae was not unpleasant. Spoiler I was really enjoying this one and then...it just sort of ended. What was the point of this story? It felt like it was cut short just as we were establishing some sort of goal. I wanted to see the two of them go to Ram Village and observe what they found there. I appreciate entries that are on the shorter side but this one I feel definitely could have done with being longer to establish a bit more of what its about. I'm guessing the idea was to contrast the fay world and the human world, but then we learn everything about the fay world through narration and everything of the human world through first hand dialogue which kind of upsets the dichotomy a bit. On 8/30/2020 at 1:10 PM, SoulWeaver said: It is with great frustration that I click 'acknowledge' on my warning before the intended date, but this had to be shared. Special thanks to @Scoot for providing the base piece to work with, and to Owl City for writing Firebird as it assisted the writing process here. Hide contents https://docs.google.com/document/d/19dlJoSiyP4DWEypx-gFureM51ONWZOPHyKHrMEpSYDY/edit?usp=sharing Notes: Reveal hidden contents PLEASE someone get the reference in the Council's name. Corrin did not realize the power he discovered in his Anna Supports. Fates Anna was sweating in her Outlaw boots while passing it off as just a name discovery. The news on the computer is a trailer for BN7. I swear this is not an attack on Anon. Yes, I did use a non-participation entry, if that means this has to be non-participation then ok. (censored) you Integrity. That is all. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to writing my Narcian parody of Mi Mi Mi. Spoiler So...how do you pronounce PropagAnnada?...I really don't have much more to say than that. It was basically all Anna puns. Not too sure how the situation was even resolved in the end. On 8/16/2020 at 5:47 PM, TheSilentChloey said: So I finished... Title: The Price of Patriotism Words: 2,527 Based off: The Corrupted Pride Pre Read Notes: Hide contents So this is based on the entry The Corrupted Pride and is kind of a Crimson Clouds edition with Felix and Rodrigue as the main subjects, obviously Rodrigue's life is the price that is paid in this fic, since it goes under the assumption that Ashe (sweet little birb that he is) was recruited before the Lonato mission obviously. Some things were altered as a result but someone still dies. 😕Also Byleth is a telepath because (Crimson Clouds spoilers I can't post yet) The Entry: Hide contents https://docs.google.com/document/d/1K28Zkl533811u0YnKR3mv3QKP8RcNUjnZZt_UjVzZ_E/edit?usp=drivesdk Spoiler Hey, I actually remember the story this is based on. And from what I can remember it's pretty much the exact same story with Ashe swapped out for Rodrigue. So my opinions are largely the same as what I said to that one. You're trying to condense basically all of Three Houses down into a short story.Any reason to care about them aren't being derived from this peace. The original story tried to have a bit of a come full circle thing by having Ashe and Felix talk at the start and then fight at the end and I already had issues with it. This one is compounded even further because who in the world is Rodrigue. I know he's Felix's father because I played the game and it might mention that he's Felix's father here, but imagine reading this piece without having read the game, you'd know nothing about their relationship at all and the tragedy would just be the most surface level of father and son forced to fight. Also why in the world would Felix have a battalion with him? Got to get that Lone Wolf boost baby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shoblongoo Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 I’m gonna be even more meta and throw the tiebreaker vote for @DarthR0xas Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jotari Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 2 hours ago, Shoblongoo said: I’m gonna be even more meta and throw the tiebreaker vote for @DarthR0xas Too bad. Because I just voted for you putting us back in a tie XD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottservia Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 Well if we’re going by house rules then @DarthR0xas is the one who gets to choose the next prompt as shob won only a couple rounds ago Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheSilentChloey Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 So tie is broken XD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthR0xas Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 Well technically there's still 2 hours left in the voting, so something could happen. But I do already have a prompt picked out for the next round whenever y'all are ready. Also @Shoblongoo if you don't mind me asking, why'd you pick my entry over the others? Just curious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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