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SF's "Write Your Butt Off" Competition HD II.5 Remix


AnonymousSpeed

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10 hours ago, Sire said:

Decided to submit an entry on a whim. Not sure if it'll qualify since only about half it it is actually a dream sequence, but here it is anyway.
-- I think I wrote this with about eight hours of active work over a course of a day, split into 4 hour segments.
-- Sorta not completely happy with how the 2nd half of the story turned out, especially the fight sequence, but it is what it is. My old RWBY works had better fights...

Title: Of Knights and Nightmares
-- 
Notes: Contains Action, Violence, and minor Blood.

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The stream flowed softly here in the forest’s clearing, providing a platform for dancing lights that reflected the starry sky above. The night sky was clear, no clouds or moon, but instead shown the tapestry of the cosmos with the twinkling stars. A soft breeze rustles the leaves, singing a favorite lullaby of the nature mother. Dancing with the wind were the long bladed grass, celebrating the arrival of a weary traveler who has come to this hallowed place to rest.

Leaning against a large boulder, the knight slumps to the ground in exhaustion. He takes off his helmet, letting it drop to the ground. His eyes seemingly stare at something far off in the distance, but his expression remains blank. Looking at his plate armor, it has been cut by blades and dented by hammers. Blood finds refuge in the imperfections, staining the armor and refusing to come off. As for his sword, the tip is broken and its edge is chipped. Despite the skill of its wielder at parrying blows, a tool can only do so much when forged by an inexperienced apprentice.

Mother Nature comforts the man with her children, lulling him into slumber with the stability of stone, the flowing water, and the dancing wind. The warmth of fire is nowhere to be found, but far in the distance, beyond the trees and hills, lies a castle and its town in inferno. If one were to listen closely, one could hear the frightened cries of children calling for their mothers as they wander lost in the fiery blaze. A local priestess calls out for survivors, acting as a shining beacon as she leads the townsfolk to safety. Men are torn between courage and cowardice as one attempt to lift debris off his fallen friend, while another breaks into a wealthy merchant’s home to make off with exotic goods. None of that matters here, as the hills and the trees block sight and sound from disrupting the soldier’s rest.

 

Slowly, the wind dies down and only the gentle movement of the stream remained. All was silent save for the sudden rush of flowing water, transforming the stream into rapids as water violently crashed against dirt and stone. Immediately, the knight opens his eyes. Remaining still as if still in slumber, his eyes vigilantly scan the perimeter of the clearing where shadows manifest and dart between the trees. He inches his right hand closer to his polished blade on the stony floor, while his left hand tightens its grip on the kite shield protecting his chest. Then, he closes his eyes and patiently waits.

Soft foot-falls on the grass mean little when the clattering of metal against metal scare off the wildlife. Whispers in the dark of some incomprehensible language direct shadows to surround the clearing. The clattering becomes louder, especially where metal meets stone. The sounds quieten down to the point where one can only hear their own breathing.

Taking a risk, the knight opens his eyes to see a figure above him seething darkness. Its eyes burn with anger, and its plate armor has been sliced by swords and slammed by maces. At its side, the broken blade drips flesh blood. While it resembled a human in silhouette, it was no flesh and blood creature. It was a being of the abyss, and it hungers.

Sensing the knight’s awareness, a sinister smile appeared on the figure’s face. Suddenly, the shield made hard contact with the figure, bashing its head and forcing the shadow backwards. The knight followed this momentum by swinging his blade to decapitate his opponent. As the head went flying, while it made no sound, one could have sworn it was laughing…

The first shadow dissipates upon its defeat. Arising from the ground, the knight readies his sword and shield for the coming onslaught. Around him, the wind picks up. Leaves on trees shake with anger while the grass thrashes about wildly. Then, from the clearing’s edge, two shadows charge at the knight.

Lunging forward, one shadow attempts to plunge its blade into the knight, but he deflects the thrust aside with his shield. Retaliating with a horizontal slash, the forward momentum of the shadow proves to be its downfall as it is cut open. It appears the armor only mimics its subject matter and does little for actual defense as the shadow dissolves.

Meanwhile, the other figure slashes its sword without rhyme or reason as it continues its advance towards the knight. Dodging the blows while backpedaling, an opening is found where a single counter thrust fells the enemy. The knight stands valiantly, defending the clearing against the incoming shadows.

And then, they all came at once. The man charged forward to meet them, ducking under their blows and slashing three with a mighty cleave. He keeps surging forward, dispatching his opponents before they have a chance to react. Yet, even as the shadows disperse upon defeat, they simply reform elsewhere and charge once again. It mattered not how they were slain. One was shoved into the rapids and was supposedly washed away. Two were impaled simultaneously by the knight’s blade. They were tireless beings from the abyss. The knight was just a man.

Turning around and raising his shield to block an incoming blow, the force of the impact made him lose his grip momentarily. This was all that was needed as a second shadow uppercutted with its blade, sending the shield flying up and away from the knight, disappearing into the rapids.

Emboldened by their small victory, the shadows rushed him. Even with a skillful parry with his sword, the knight could not defend himself if they all struck at once. While the armor held, each impact staggered the man, and eventually he fell as the figures continued their assault.

 

Fatigued and weakened by the fighting, the knight closed his eyes as he waited for his end. Yet, it did not come. The waters still crashed with violence and the wind remained furious, but the sounds of metal upon metal were no more. Yet, does that even matter? He was a failure. Despite all of the effort spent for training, despite the connections made on the royal court, despite becoming a royal knight who served the princess directly, he remains a failure.

The princess was meant to be wed during the next Star Festival. She had finally fallen for one of her suitors, and the alliance between kingdoms were all but assured. The foreign prince was a charming man, but his correspondence stated otherwise. There were plans in place to use the wedding as a means for a hostile takeover, killing off the royal family while keeping the princess in place as a puppet. Upon opening a letter for himself and exposing the plan, the knight was shamed and exiled. No one believed him, in fact, they all suspected the loyal knight to be the traitor. Even appealing directly to the princess fell on deaf ears, so infatuated she was with her future husband she ignored the claims. At least she had to mercy to spare him from execution…

 

Suddenly, there was warmth. Opening his eyes in curiosity, the fallen knight found the visage of a young woman standing a short distance away. No longer was she in her normal garments, but instead in a wedding dress. Her face was covered by a veil, but she was smiling. How? Why was the princess here?

Rising from the floor with assistance from his sword, the knight found the source of the heat. Fire has come to this hallowed place, burning the trees and fields. The shadow figures were gone. It was just the knight, the princess, and the maelstrom of nature.

A loud roar came from the skies above. At this moment, the weary traveler came to a realization. He discards his weapon, ignores the princess, and simply stares at the night sky. An enormous shadow passes overhead, that of a flying serpent. The girl places out her hand, but the man did not move. He simply waits as he enjoys the vision of the tapestry of the cosmos.

Pillars of fire engulf the man as the crimson dragon swoops in to claim its prey. Clutching at the knight with its claws, the dragon moves its head to feast on its newfound morsel. The last thing the wanderer sees is the visage of the woman, saying words that he could not hear.

 

Moving through brush and undergrowth, the priestess finally makes it to a small, tranquil clearing in the forest. She urges the survivors to keep moving when a man with burnt hands point out an armored figure leaning against a boulder. The refugees recoil in fear, but the priestess steps forward to inspect the knight.

The design of his armor and helmet match that of the princess’ personal retinue, so he is not one of the invaders. More importantly, he lies in a puddle of blood. Reaching a hand out to check his pulse, there is no response. He is dead, much like many of the knights and royal family.

She mutters a short prayer and then urges the survivors to keep moving. There is a monastery up in the mountains that is neutral territory. They have abundant supplies and will know what to do with this mass of refugees.

As the peasants, merchants, craftsman, and some nobles continue to flee, a young boy comes up to the priestess, holding a battered shield. It is a blue shield, with the emblem of a golden lion on it. It represents the heraldry of this fallen kingdom. The child found this while lost in the inferno, saying it gave him strength to find and be reunited with his mother. Maybe the sleeping man needs strength too, or so thought the child.

The priestess took the shield and placed it next to the fallen knight, so now he was complete. Perhaps it was his actual shield that he lost when attempting to rescue the princess. No matter the case, it was time to move on. The nature mother will take care of the rest.

 

Far away, beyond the trees and hills, in the smoldering inferno, a red flag was being raised. It’s heraldry? The face of a black dragon.

Hey, glad to have you back for another round!

I like this, it's short, but it does a pretty good job of giving us just enough to understand the story behind it while withholding enough to make me want to see more. I could almost see this segment being used as like a tutorial level in a game, actually. Overall, pretty nice, I think my only possible issue would be what you said about it not quite fitting the prompt. It may have fit more if you perhaps made the whole thing almost like a premonition kind of dream, but then you risk falling into cliche-ing the whole thing so I think it works best as it is now.

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36 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

Oh yeah I forgot about this thread. But then last night I was lying in bed and I jolted up and I realized. "Oh heck, they actually banned Anacybele."

Poll is up.

Pffft, haha.

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The only idea I considered was a line from the first digimon opening that went “Maybe this world is an infinite dream”. Was too busy to think of a story to go along with it though

Been wanting to do a digimon related story for a while now actually.

Edited by Ottservia
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Just two entries, eh? I guess everyone gets somewhat busy around Halloween, but I'm not an active member in this topic so I don't know the intricacies. 

Anyways, here are my commentaries on the submitted works, taking a "writing workshop" angle. I don't see myself participating in another one any time soon, but it was a fun exercise in writing something.
* * * * * * * * * *
Of Knights and Nightmares - Writer's Commentary

Spoiler

Inspired by one of my older stories, specifically Chapter 0 (Comfort's Light) of my scrapped RWBY fanfiction, Of Knights and Nightmares is built from the ground up to be an original work. While it shares similarities at its core (A knight, nature's beauty, a battle, and a "princess/angel"), the actual story and its details differ significantly.

I remember back when I was in school and college to always "show, not tell." My teachers always wanted to hammer descriptions that empower the senses instead of having generic statements. Here's an example of when I took one of my older works and added detail into it. While I do agree painting with words is a powerful tool, when used excessively it can ruin the pacing of a story. I guess the best approach is trying to find a compromise between pacing and descriptions.
-- With that in mind, I loved the introduction to Of Knights and Knightmares and consider it to be the strongest point. It paints the scene with text while also carrying the story along.
-- However, once the shadows begin showing up, the quality seems to suffer, especially the battle sequences. Sure, it gets the job done, but it isn't as exciting. Despite trying to be in "grounded/realistic" combat or leaning towards "Souls-like" battles, I guess the thrill here is more of the technique instead of what is actually happening. (I think writing some RWBY fight sequences ruined me for a bit, and I deliberately tried to steer away from over-the-top action for this story.)

Sometimes I wonder if adding in the knight's backstory (the Princess sequence) was a good idea. While the ending ties everything up nicely, it does seem to come out of nowhere despite the scene with the fallen kingdom earlier. Perhaps the transition here could have been improved. Also, it doesn't help that a romance subplot wormed its way into one of my works, again. Back when I was in a poetry class, most of my work ended up being romantic in one way or another despite trying not to write them on a few occasions.

Then comes the Dragon. Originally I wanted a more thrilling fight sequence as fighting "shadow clones" is rather dull as they can only do so much, but in the end decided against it. Instead, using inspiration from the intro for Warlord's Battlecry, the current sequence was made. While the scene itself is average in my eyes, a part of me likes it since it differentiates this story from Comfort's Light. In that story, the dream knight desperately reaches out to the female figure as it perishes, but here the dream knight simply accepts its demise. (Comfort's Light, 3rd page)

I enjoyed the end sequence, especially since it calls back to the priestess and the refugees of the fallen kingdom. Having them come across the recently deceased knight wraps up the entire short story pretty well in my opinion. We even see the fate of the man who burned his hands trying to save his friend as well as one of the lost children who finally found his mother.
-- I did consider writing in the princess disguised as one of the refugees to apologize and cry for the fallen knight, but decided it is best to leave her fate unknown (moving the role to the child with the shield instead). What happened to the princess of the fallen kingdom? Did she perish with everyone else, did the original plan to make her a puppet succeed, or did something else happen entirely? Who knows.
-- If there is a criticism here, it is the sudden mention of the heraldry of the lion and dragon. While there are some nice parallels with the "Dragon Heraldry vs Dream Dragon," it does come out of nowhere as it was never mentioned or alluded to previously. Perhaps the Blue Lion could have been referenced earlier, either in the refugee sequence or the princess sequence, so this reveal is more grounded.

* * * * *

Overall, I loved the starting description of the setting, but man I wished I wrote the battle scenes better. It may have to be re-written entirely to be somewhat more exciting and interesting, but I was not happy with how that sequence turned out.

What Dream? - Personal Comments

Spoiler

A Fire Emblem Heroes work! Shame I stopped playing FEH back during Book II, although I think I came back briefly during the start of Book III.
-- Luckily, I still check on the FEH Reddit regularly, so I'm not completely lost on what's going on.

I'll start off with my general response to the story itself. For nitpicking and going full writer's workshop, in the another spoiler down below.

* * * * *

Personal Summary: Story seems to begin with M!Grima waking up from a dream where memories of "that tactician" (presumably Robin, the host of Grima) is plaguing the fel dragon. Grima's own memories have been culled, yet that of Robin's has not. He takes a nightly stroll where he encounters (presumably) the OC summoner, who is crying. After telling the summoner to cease crying, they begin to speak of dreams.
-- She begins to confide in Grima about her happy dreams reminding her what she has lost to get here. It is revealed that Grima is (presumably) the Summoner's Support and the team is built around him, throwing in some references to FEH's gameplay. Grima himself seems to have confided in the Summoner as well due to his dreams. Also, Chroms for every occasion.
-- The summoner pleads for "Grimmy" to stay, and she rests in his lap as Grima himself nods off as well, tolerating this for the time being.
-- The story closes with the Fairies being present, and this part I may not fully grasp the importance of due to my lack of FEH knowledge. Peony may have learned her lesson with not interfering with the summoner's dreams. However, we are then hit with the reveal that the Summoner is apparently immune to Plumeria's lustful dreams, implying that the world where the summoner came from gave her that "resolve."

- - - - -

Personal Comments: Overall, a nice little story between M!Grima and a Summoner, talking about dreams. I don't think they were actively dreaming during the story itself, but it revolved around Grima being plagued by "memory dreams" of the tactician host while the summoner's "Happy Dreams" serve as a sad reminder. There were also mention of the fairies and their connections with dreams (which I think was a huge role in Book III), but the closing point about Plumeria went over my head.
-- I'm guessing the world of the summoner has more exposure to lust, so when the Lustful Fairy comes around, her temptations aren't as effective because the dreamer may have already "seen everything."

It was nice, and I appreciated the references to FEH itself with the gameplay mechanics (Summoner Support, making sure Grima has the best skills, all the different Chroms, etc.)

* * * * *

Writing Workshop Stuffs - Warning: Nitpicking Ahead!

Spoiler

 

The memories plague him in the few hours he needs or more accurately is forced to rest.
-- Wording seems off here, or comma usage?
-- I imagine "The memories plague him in the few hours he is forced to rest," is the line.
-- Alternatively, "The memories plague him in the few hours he needs, or more accurately, is forced, to rest."

He'd much rather her...lewd noises than this.
-- I have a feeling a word is missing here, or I'm missing the context of this line.

To anyone else it was a harsh command, but to her, it had little effect as a harsh command and more logical conclusion to be drawn, crying for her was useless, she said so herself before
-- I think is what is called a run-on sentence? I've been out of the loop for a while now, but it doesn't look right.
-- I imagine "To anyone else it was a harsh command, but to her, it was more of a logical conclusion to be drawn. For the summoner, crying was useless, and she said so herself before."

"She has a bad habit of trying to make happy dreams." Came the soft reply, "But the dreams that make me happy-"
-- Not sure if there may be a punctuation issue here or not.
-- I imagine "She has a bad habit of trying to make happy dreams," came the soft reply. "But the dreams that make my happy-"

Her voice is soft, and despite the fact he wants nothing more than to continue his prowling looking for foolish worms to stomp, he finds himself sat beside her.
-- Maybe add a comma after "stomp?"

Jolting slightly as her head suddenly rests on his lap Grima looked down to see the Summoner resting in the least comfortable position humanly possible and heard her murmur, "Even if it's a dream...I feel...safer here."
-- Another long sentence I think. I would add a comma after "lap" and a period after "possible," making the murmur segment its own sentence.
-- Jolting slightly as her head suddenly rests on his lap, Grima looked down to see the Summoner resting in the least comfortable position humanly possible. He heard he murmur, "Even if it's a dream...I feel...safer here."

"She's happiest with Grima." The other replied,
-- Punctuation again, perhaps?
-- "She's happiest with Grima," the other replied.

Peony sighed, "How can anyone be happy with someone who spends most of their time talking poorly to them?!  Mirabilis, wake up!"
-- Add a comma after Mirabilis? 

 

 

 

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So usually I post my critique right after reading them with a fresh mind of the story. I did that today too, but it was unfortunately on my phone on a long train ride to work with no wifi. So I wrote it, but didn't post it. Trusting my phone and Serenes would save it, when I finally got home ten hours later only the first quote was saved. Which is pretty disappointing. For its flaws, Serenes is actually usually pretty good at saving unpublished posts. So anyway what follows are my memories of what I said earlier. I think I can remember everything though.

On 10/24/2020 at 4:37 PM, Sire said:

Decided to submit an entry on a whim. Not sure if it'll qualify since only about half it it is actually a dream sequence, but here it is anyway.
-- I think I wrote this with about eight hours of active work over a course of a day, split into 4 hour segments.
-- Sorta not completely happy with how the 2nd half of the story turned out, especially the fight sequence, but it is what it is. My old RWBY works had better fights...

Title: Of Knights and Nightmares
-- 
Notes: Contains Action, Violence, and minor Blood.

  Reveal hidden contents

The stream flowed softly here in the forest’s clearing, providing a platform for dancing lights that reflected the starry sky above. The night sky was clear, no clouds or moon, but instead shown the tapestry of the cosmos with the twinkling stars. A soft breeze rustles the leaves, singing a favorite lullaby of the nature mother. Dancing with the wind were the long bladed grass, celebrating the arrival of a weary traveler who has come to this hallowed place to rest.

Leaning against a large boulder, the knight slumps to the ground in exhaustion. He takes off his helmet, letting it drop to the ground. His eyes seemingly stare at something far off in the distance, but his expression remains blank. Looking at his plate armor, it has been cut by blades and dented by hammers. Blood finds refuge in the imperfections, staining the armor and refusing to come off. As for his sword, the tip is broken and its edge is chipped. Despite the skill of its wielder at parrying blows, a tool can only do so much when forged by an inexperienced apprentice.

Mother Nature comforts the man with her children, lulling him into slumber with the stability of stone, the flowing water, and the dancing wind. The warmth of fire is nowhere to be found, but far in the distance, beyond the trees and hills, lies a castle and its town in inferno. If one were to listen closely, one could hear the frightened cries of children calling for their mothers as they wander lost in the fiery blaze. A local priestess calls out for survivors, acting as a shining beacon as she leads the townsfolk to safety. Men are torn between courage and cowardice as one attempt to lift debris off his fallen friend, while another breaks into a wealthy merchant’s home to make off with exotic goods. None of that matters here, as the hills and the trees block sight and sound from disrupting the soldier’s rest.

 

Slowly, the wind dies down and only the gentle movement of the stream remained. All was silent save for the sudden rush of flowing water, transforming the stream into rapids as water violently crashed against dirt and stone. Immediately, the knight opens his eyes. Remaining still as if still in slumber, his eyes vigilantly scan the perimeter of the clearing where shadows manifest and dart between the trees. He inches his right hand closer to his polished blade on the stony floor, while his left hand tightens its grip on the kite shield protecting his chest. Then, he closes his eyes and patiently waits.

Soft foot-falls on the grass mean little when the clattering of metal against metal scare off the wildlife. Whispers in the dark of some incomprehensible language direct shadows to surround the clearing. The clattering becomes louder, especially where metal meets stone. The sounds quieten down to the point where one can only hear their own breathing.

Taking a risk, the knight opens his eyes to see a figure above him seething darkness. Its eyes burn with anger, and its plate armor has been sliced by swords and slammed by maces. At its side, the broken blade drips flesh blood. While it resembled a human in silhouette, it was no flesh and blood creature. It was a being of the abyss, and it hungers.

Sensing the knight’s awareness, a sinister smile appeared on the figure’s face. Suddenly, the shield made hard contact with the figure, bashing its head and forcing the shadow backwards. The knight followed this momentum by swinging his blade to decapitate his opponent. As the head went flying, while it made no sound, one could have sworn it was laughing…

The first shadow dissipates upon its defeat. Arising from the ground, the knight readies his sword and shield for the coming onslaught. Around him, the wind picks up. Leaves on trees shake with anger while the grass thrashes about wildly. Then, from the clearing’s edge, two shadows charge at the knight.

Lunging forward, one shadow attempts to plunge its blade into the knight, but he deflects the thrust aside with his shield. Retaliating with a horizontal slash, the forward momentum of the shadow proves to be its downfall as it is cut open. It appears the armor only mimics its subject matter and does little for actual defense as the shadow dissolves.

Meanwhile, the other figure slashes its sword without rhyme or reason as it continues its advance towards the knight. Dodging the blows while backpedaling, an opening is found where a single counter thrust fells the enemy. The knight stands valiantly, defending the clearing against the incoming shadows.

And then, they all came at once. The man charged forward to meet them, ducking under their blows and slashing three with a mighty cleave. He keeps surging forward, dispatching his opponents before they have a chance to react. Yet, even as the shadows disperse upon defeat, they simply reform elsewhere and charge once again. It mattered not how they were slain. One was shoved into the rapids and was supposedly washed away. Two were impaled simultaneously by the knight’s blade. They were tireless beings from the abyss. The knight was just a man.

Turning around and raising his shield to block an incoming blow, the force of the impact made him lose his grip momentarily. This was all that was needed as a second shadow uppercutted with its blade, sending the shield flying up and away from the knight, disappearing into the rapids.

Emboldened by their small victory, the shadows rushed him. Even with a skillful parry with his sword, the knight could not defend himself if they all struck at once. While the armor held, each impact staggered the man, and eventually he fell as the figures continued their assault.

 

Fatigued and weakened by the fighting, the knight closed his eyes as he waited for his end. Yet, it did not come. The waters still crashed with violence and the wind remained furious, but the sounds of metal upon metal were no more. Yet, does that even matter? He was a failure. Despite all of the effort spent for training, despite the connections made on the royal court, despite becoming a royal knight who served the princess directly, he remains a failure.

The princess was meant to be wed during the next Star Festival. She had finally fallen for one of her suitors, and the alliance between kingdoms were all but assured. The foreign prince was a charming man, but his correspondence stated otherwise. There were plans in place to use the wedding as a means for a hostile takeover, killing off the royal family while keeping the princess in place as a puppet. Upon opening a letter for himself and exposing the plan, the knight was shamed and exiled. No one believed him, in fact, they all suspected the loyal knight to be the traitor. Even appealing directly to the princess fell on deaf ears, so infatuated she was with her future husband she ignored the claims. At least she had to mercy to spare him from execution…

 

Suddenly, there was warmth. Opening his eyes in curiosity, the fallen knight found the visage of a young woman standing a short distance away. No longer was she in her normal garments, but instead in a wedding dress. Her face was covered by a veil, but she was smiling. How? Why was the princess here?

Rising from the floor with assistance from his sword, the knight found the source of the heat. Fire has come to this hallowed place, burning the trees and fields. The shadow figures were gone. It was just the knight, the princess, and the maelstrom of nature.

A loud roar came from the skies above. At this moment, the weary traveler came to a realization. He discards his weapon, ignores the princess, and simply stares at the night sky. An enormous shadow passes overhead, that of a flying serpent. The girl places out her hand, but the man did not move. He simply waits as he enjoys the vision of the tapestry of the cosmos.

Pillars of fire engulf the man as the crimson dragon swoops in to claim its prey. Clutching at the knight with its claws, the dragon moves its head to feast on its newfound morsel. The last thing the wanderer sees is the visage of the woman, saying words that he could not hear.

 

Moving through brush and undergrowth, the priestess finally makes it to a small, tranquil clearing in the forest. She urges the survivors to keep moving when a man with burnt hands point out an armored figure leaning against a boulder. The refugees recoil in fear, but the priestess steps forward to inspect the knight.

The design of his armor and helmet match that of the princess’ personal retinue, so he is not one of the invaders. More importantly, he lies in a puddle of blood. Reaching a hand out to check his pulse, there is no response. He is dead, much like many of the knights and royal family.

She mutters a short prayer and then urges the survivors to keep moving. There is a monastery up in the mountains that is neutral territory. They have abundant supplies and will know what to do with this mass of refugees.

As the peasants, merchants, craftsman, and some nobles continue to flee, a young boy comes up to the priestess, holding a battered shield. It is a blue shield, with the emblem of a golden lion on it. It represents the heraldry of this fallen kingdom. The child found this while lost in the inferno, saying it gave him strength to find and be reunited with his mother. Maybe the sleeping man needs strength too, or so thought the child.

The priestess took the shield and placed it next to the fallen knight, so now he was complete. Perhaps it was his actual shield that he lost when attempting to rescue the princess. No matter the case, it was time to move on. The nature mother will take care of the rest.

 

Far away, beyond the trees and hills, in the smoldering inferno, a red flag was being raised. It’s heraldry? The face of a black dragon.

So first off on this one, be careful with tenses. This one blended the past and present a lot and it was pretty distracting. Which is a shame as I really like the mood conveyed in this piece. It manages to invoke feeling using very little. We are given the basic run down of the situation, but I almost think we don't even need to because the first half paints the scenario so well. You say you don't really like the fight in the second half, and choreography aside I'm not sure it was even needed. Then again without it it would have been struggling a bit to actually meet the prompt and it does tie in well to the ending.

On 10/27/2020 at 9:19 AM, TheSilentChloey said:

Done, finally and it's one of those twist endings...maybe.

Title: What Dream?

Fandom: Heroes

Words: 1,283

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So glasses exist in the world of Awakening. Mirel has them, and even millennia ago people had monocles. No real reason for Grima to be mystified by that technology any more than he would be with clothes. But that's less anything to do with the story and more pedantic nerdism. On subject for the story, I thought it had a really great concept here. Having good dreams be bad. Unfortunately I don't think it was really explored at all more so than just conceived in this story. I think this could have been a much stronger piece if it were from the POV of the summoner and actually exploring her feelings in the moment more so than Grima.

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10 hours ago, Jotari said:

[Insert Sire's Entry Here]

So first off on this one, be careful with tenses. This one blended the past and present a lot and it was pretty distracting. Which is a shame as I really like the mood conveyed in this piece. It manages to invoke feeling using very little. We are given the basic run down of the situation, but I almost think we don't even need to because the first half paints the scenario so well. You say you don't really like the fight in the second half, and choreography aside I'm not sure it was even needed. Then again without it it would have been struggling a bit to actually meet the prompt and it does tie in well to the ending.

Yeah, tenses with past and present is something I do struggle with. It may have to do with my way of storytelling, specifically when sharing the tale aloud. I rather have it sound interesting than be correct with the tenses, which may lead to confusion when reading said work.

The fight sequence is reflective of the source material which also had a fight sequence, but it also supposed to somewhat represent the knight fighting his inner demons before finding peace before he dies. Then again, my stories tend to be straightforward instead of having deeper meanings, so this aspect may have been done poorly.

Thanks for the feedback!

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14 hours ago, Jotari said:

So usually I post my critique right after reading them with a fresh mind of the story. I did that today too, but it was unfortunately on my phone on a long train ride to work with no wifi. So I wrote it, but didn't post it. Trusting my phone and Serenes would save it, when I finally got home ten hours later only the first quote was saved. Which is pretty disappointing. For its flaws, Serenes is actually usually pretty good at saving unpublished posts. So anyway what follows are my memories of what I said earlier. I think I can remember everything though.

So first off on this one, be careful with tenses. This one blended the past and present a lot and it was pretty distracting. Which is a shame as I really like the mood conveyed in this piece. It manages to invoke feeling using very little. We are given the basic run down of the situation, but I almost think we don't even need to because the first half paints the scenario so well. You say you don't really like the fight in the second half, and choreography aside I'm not sure it was even needed. Then again without it it would have been struggling a bit to actually meet the prompt and it does tie in well to the ending.

So glasses exist in the world of Awakening. Mirel has them, and even millennia ago people had monocles. No real reason for Grima to be mystified by that technology any more than he would be with clothes. But that's less anything to do with the story and more pedantic nerdism. On subject for the story, I thought it had a really great concept here. Having good dreams be bad. Unfortunately I don't think it was really explored at all more so than just conceived in this story. I think this could have been a much stronger piece if it were from the POV of the summoner and actually exploring her feelings in the moment more so than Grima.

It was all just a dream, didn't you know XD

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On 11/3/2020 at 3:17 PM, Sire said:

Just two entries, eh? I guess everyone gets somewhat busy around Halloween, but I'm not an active member in this topic so I don't know the intricacies. 

Anyways, here are my commentaries on the submitted works, taking a "writing workshop" angle. I don't see myself participating in another one any time soon, but it was a fun exercise in writing something.
* * * * * * * * * *
Of Knights and Nightmares - Writer's Commentary

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Inspired by one of my older stories, specifically Chapter 0 (Comfort's Light) of my scrapped RWBY fanfiction, Of Knights and Nightmares is built from the ground up to be an original work. While it shares similarities at its core (A knight, nature's beauty, a battle, and a "princess/angel"), the actual story and its details differ significantly.

I remember back when I was in school and college to always "show, not tell." My teachers always wanted to hammer descriptions that empower the senses instead of having generic statements. Here's an example of when I took one of my older works and added detail into it. While I do agree painting with words is a powerful tool, when used excessively it can ruin the pacing of a story. I guess the best approach is trying to find a compromise between pacing and descriptions.
-- With that in mind, I loved the introduction to Of Knights and Knightmares and consider it to be the strongest point. It paints the scene with text while also carrying the story along.
-- However, once the shadows begin showing up, the quality seems to suffer, especially the battle sequences. Sure, it gets the job done, but it isn't as exciting. Despite trying to be in "grounded/realistic" combat or leaning towards "Souls-like" battles, I guess the thrill here is more of the technique instead of what is actually happening. (I think writing some RWBY fight sequences ruined me for a bit, and I deliberately tried to steer away from over-the-top action for this story.)

Sometimes I wonder if adding in the knight's backstory (the Princess sequence) was a good idea. While the ending ties everything up nicely, it does seem to come out of nowhere despite the scene with the fallen kingdom earlier. Perhaps the transition here could have been improved. Also, it doesn't help that a romance subplot wormed its way into one of my works, again. Back when I was in a poetry class, most of my work ended up being romantic in one way or another despite trying not to write them on a few occasions.

Then comes the Dragon. Originally I wanted a more thrilling fight sequence as fighting "shadow clones" is rather dull as they can only do so much, but in the end decided against it. Instead, using inspiration from the intro for Warlord's Battlecry, the current sequence was made. While the scene itself is average in my eyes, a part of me likes it since it differentiates this story from Comfort's Light. In that story, the dream knight desperately reaches out to the female figure as it perishes, but here the dream knight simply accepts its demise. (Comfort's Light, 3rd page)

I enjoyed the end sequence, especially since it calls back to the priestess and the refugees of the fallen kingdom. Having them come across the recently deceased knight wraps up the entire short story pretty well in my opinion. We even see the fate of the man who burned his hands trying to save his friend as well as one of the lost children who finally found his mother.
-- I did consider writing in the princess disguised as one of the refugees to apologize and cry for the fallen knight, but decided it is best to leave her fate unknown (moving the role to the child with the shield instead). What happened to the princess of the fallen kingdom? Did she perish with everyone else, did the original plan to make her a puppet succeed, or did something else happen entirely? Who knows.
-- If there is a criticism here, it is the sudden mention of the heraldry of the lion and dragon. While there are some nice parallels with the "Dragon Heraldry vs Dream Dragon," it does come out of nowhere as it was never mentioned or alluded to previously. Perhaps the Blue Lion could have been referenced earlier, either in the refugee sequence or the princess sequence, so this reveal is more grounded.

* * * * *

Overall, I loved the starting description of the setting, but man I wished I wrote the battle scenes better. It may have to be re-written entirely to be somewhat more exciting and interesting, but I was not happy with how that sequence turned out.

What Dream? - Personal Comments

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A Fire Emblem Heroes work! Shame I stopped playing FEH back during Book II, although I think I came back briefly during the start of Book III.
-- Luckily, I still check on the FEH Reddit regularly, so I'm not completely lost on what's going on.

I'll start off with my general response to the story itself. For nitpicking and going full writer's workshop, in the another spoiler down below.

* * * * *

Personal Summary: Story seems to begin with M!Grima waking up from a dream where memories of "that tactician" (presumably Robin, the host of Grima) is plaguing the fel dragon. Grima's own memories have been culled, yet that of Robin's has not. He takes a nightly stroll where he encounters (presumably) the OC summoner, who is crying. After telling the summoner to cease crying, they begin to speak of dreams.
-- She begins to confide in Grima about her happy dreams reminding her what she has lost to get here. It is revealed that Grima is (presumably) the Summoner's Support and the team is built around him, throwing in some references to FEH's gameplay. Grima himself seems to have confided in the Summoner as well due to his dreams. Also, Chroms for every occasion.
-- The summoner pleads for "Grimmy" to stay, and she rests in his lap as Grima himself nods off as well, tolerating this for the time being.
-- The story closes with the Fairies being present, and this part I may not fully grasp the importance of due to my lack of FEH knowledge. Peony may have learned her lesson with not interfering with the summoner's dreams. However, we are then hit with the reveal that the Summoner is apparently immune to Plumeria's lustful dreams, implying that the world where the summoner came from gave her that "resolve."

- - - - -

Personal Comments: Overall, a nice little story between M!Grima and a Summoner, talking about dreams. I don't think they were actively dreaming during the story itself, but it revolved around Grima being plagued by "memory dreams" of the tactician host while the summoner's "Happy Dreams" serve as a sad reminder. There were also mention of the fairies and their connections with dreams (which I think was a huge role in Book III), but the closing point about Plumeria went over my head.
-- I'm guessing the world of the summoner has more exposure to lust, so when the Lustful Fairy comes around, her temptations aren't as effective because the dreamer may have already "seen everything."

It was nice, and I appreciated the references to FEH itself with the gameplay mechanics (Summoner Support, making sure Grima has the best skills, all the different Chroms, etc.)

* * * * *

Writing Workshop Stuffs - Warning: Nitpicking Ahead!

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The memories plague him in the few hours he needs or more accurately is forced to rest.
-- Wording seems off here, or comma usage?
-- I imagine "The memories plague him in the few hours he is forced to rest," is the line.
-- Alternatively, "The memories plague him in the few hours he needs, or more accurately, is forced, to rest."

He'd much rather her...lewd noises than this.
-- I have a feeling a word is missing here, or I'm missing the context of this line.

To anyone else it was a harsh command, but to her, it had little effect as a harsh command and more logical conclusion to be drawn, crying for her was useless, she said so herself before
-- I think is what is called a run-on sentence? I've been out of the loop for a while now, but it doesn't look right.
-- I imagine "To anyone else it was a harsh command, but to her, it was more of a logical conclusion to be drawn. For the summoner, crying was useless, and she said so herself before."

"She has a bad habit of trying to make happy dreams." Came the soft reply, "But the dreams that make me happy-"
-- Not sure if there may be a punctuation issue here or not.
-- I imagine "She has a bad habit of trying to make happy dreams," came the soft reply. "But the dreams that make my happy-"

Her voice is soft, and despite the fact he wants nothing more than to continue his prowling looking for foolish worms to stomp, he finds himself sat beside her.
-- Maybe add a comma after "stomp?"

Jolting slightly as her head suddenly rests on his lap Grima looked down to see the Summoner resting in the least comfortable position humanly possible and heard her murmur, "Even if it's a dream...I feel...safer here."
-- Another long sentence I think. I would add a comma after "lap" and a period after "possible," making the murmur segment its own sentence.
-- Jolting slightly as her head suddenly rests on his lap, Grima looked down to see the Summoner resting in the least comfortable position humanly possible. He heard he murmur, "Even if it's a dream...I feel...safer here."

"She's happiest with Grima." The other replied,
-- Punctuation again, perhaps?
-- "She's happiest with Grima," the other replied.

Peony sighed, "How can anyone be happy with someone who spends most of their time talking poorly to them?!  Mirabilis, wake up!"
-- Add a comma after Mirabilis? 

 

 

 

Book 4 not book 3.  But the assumption is correct about the fairies.

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Prompt, eh?

My prompt is "Journal/Diary Entry."
-- 
For example, it could be an entry left behind for others to read, reflections of a soldier during a war, or the musings of a student after school. Alternatively, it could be a scientific journal.
-- The work doesn't have to be limited to a single log, so it can tell a story over time with multiple entries.
-- As long as the work gives the appearance of being read from an actual journal/diary, anything goes.

Good luck to those participating!

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4 minutes ago, Benice said:

Why? What happened?

He just abused the emergency alert system(almost exclusively used for amber-style alerts) for the second time in a single week, this time to inform us that he would be announcing an imperial order - er, government mandate - at 9:30, at which time he spouted more of the same garbage he has been spouting all throughout this COVID crap, acting as though the age group least likely to die from the virus is the one that most needs to be locked down, and announced that we're basically reclosing everything again for the next two weeks.

I'm more than a little pissed off with His Majesty, in case that wasn't obvious.

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59 minutes ago, SoulWeaver said:

He just abused the emergency alert system(almost exclusively used for amber-style alerts) for the second time in a single week, this time to inform us that he would be announcing an imperial order - er, government mandate - at 9:30, at which time he spouted more of the same garbage he has been spouting all throughout this COVID crap, acting as though the age group least likely to die from the virus is the one that most needs to be locked down, and announced that we're basically reclosing everything again for the next two weeks.

I'm more than a little pissed off with His Majesty, in case that wasn't obvious.

Oof that's harsh.

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So sorry to double post but...

 

Title: Byleth's Journal

Words: 2,220

Fandom: Fire Emblem Three Houses

Spoiler

Wow, who'd have thought I'd do a Crimson Clouds snippet complete with spoilers for Crimson Clouds?  Not me.

Also first entry wow.

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Finally managed to write something I'm reasonably happy with. Little on the long side but broken up into easily digestible parts. I probably could have made the character's personalities more evident, only two of them really stand out, I think, but there is some subtly in what the others are like as people. I didn't want to get bogged down on that too much in favor of cultivating a sense of, well not mystery but, apprehension.

Name: The D.E.N.T.A files

Wordcount: 3715

 

Spoiler

Profiles

 

Spoiler

 

Name: Heta

DOB: 8311

POB: Galia

ID: GALGAL4C2249F99L

Rank: NA

PSI Rank: 500

Graduate of Sorayne University. Multi specialist researcher with a focus on physics. Lead scientist on the project. Witnesses report his personality as guarded and antisocial. Despite this he has led many a projects successfully as head scientist.

 

Name: Digamma

DOB: 8265

POB: Galia

ID: GALGAL5A64738578

M Rank: NA

PSI Rank: 400

Graduate of Soaryne University. Multi specialist researcher with a focus on neuro science. Son of the longest serving of the High Senators, but the possibility of nepotism is without question. He is the foremost in his field and has detected several instances of error in long standing publications. His PSI Rank is reportedly low for a Gailord. Witnesses report his personality as charismatic if slightly smug.

 

Name: Stigma

DOB: 8533

POB: Agust

ID: AG1GAL3C9241632L

Rank: Captain

PSI Rank: 700

Graduate of Sun City University. Served in arms and reached the rank of captain before pursuing academia. Multi specialist researcher with a focus on Chemistry. Spearheaded several bio and counter bio weapon projects. Witnesses report his personality as brash and confident.

 

Name: Koppa

DOB: 8727

POB: Agust

ID: AG1HUS7D3268J41T

Rank: NA

PSI Rank: 300

Graduate of Sun City University. Specialist researcher with a focus on Biology.  Not as diversely educated as his peers with longer life spans, Koppa has proved himself in the upper echelon of intelligence among Hushman. Though his knowledge is limited mostly to biology, he is keenly familiar with all major lifeforms. Witnesses report his personality as determined and relentless.

 

Name: San

DOB: 8699

POB: Aria

ID: AR2VLV7D3268J41T

Rank: NA

PSI Rank: 600

Graduate of Ulstrait University. Specialist researcher with a focus on soul. Though born on Aria, he has spent many years researching the border of Dead Zone. His PSI Rank Is exceptionally high for a Valvin. Witnesses report his personality as polite and impassive.

 

 

Name: Divanore

DOB: Unknown

POB: Nazca

ID: DEF1808

Rank: NA

PSI Rank: 600

A defector from the Nazpire. Careful surveillance rates the likelihood that he is an espionage agent as quite high. However his knowledge of shadow science is consider too invaluable to this project to do without. Surveillance reports his personality as frightful but eager to please.

 

 

 

Layman’s Overview by Dr Heta

Spoiler

The D.E.N.T.A project is designed to make a substance that can resist all forms of energy and force. The perfect shock absorber so to speak. A sponge that can absorb energy and instead of radiating it as height, can convert it to mass rendering it inert and ripe for future use. Coated to outer layer of a spaceship this would make an indestructible engine of war. We have made vast progress since the defector Divanore joined our team and presented his insights to Shadow Science. I can gladly report we do have a substance that can absorb any degree of energy. Our major issue however is rendering it usable. Right now if we lay it flat and subject it to a blast of kinetic or heat based force, it will fall apart and retreat into small lumps. Said small lumps cannot be destroyed, but that is hardly useful. It is like natural occurring diamonds. Hard, but brittle.

 

 

From the Personal Writings of Divanore

Spoiler

Why the material breaks apart from initial impact but is otherwise indestructible continues to baffle us. If force is raised on it slowly, nothing can penetrate it. But a sudden change in the degree a force, like a shock, will break it apart. San finally suggested a radical solution to our problem. We fashion the substance into a rudimentary life form. This will not allow it to serve its original purpose, but San believes by studying how a creature made of this substance interacts with itself may provide insight into how we can more effectively use it. Koppa seemed eager to meet the challenge. I voiced my objections. Creating an artificial life form is against the tenants of Lorearc. The others, they didn’t care. I fear what we are doing here. This substance is, by design, indestructible. To create a creature that cannot be destroyed…I shudder to think of the results.

 

From the Personal Writings of Digamma

Spoiler

San suggested we fashion the substance into a creature. The rest of the team eagerly supported the idea. Only Divanore balked at the idea, citing the illegality of creating an artificial creature. But Koppa and San have made several artificial creatures before, I doubt the High Senators will mind. Though this is the first time they have consulted me on designing brain patterns. Lorearc never actually said anything in the nature of the creation of artificial creatures. How could he, when we his creations?  Every life form in this galaxy, aside from the Sun Spirits of Observer, derives from his seeding Tira. We are, in that sense, all artificial. That law is apocryphal made sometime in the second aeon. Though try as a might I cannot find any sources wherein the question was put to Lorearc himself. Perhaps I should start a movement to ask him the next time he appears to us.

 

Memo regarding the Souls of Artificial Life by San

Spoiler

 

The presence of a soul is only detectable in intelligent and semi intelligent life. But all matter and perhaps even absence of matter, contains soul. Soul merely exists in its most concentrated form in thinking beings. That is because soul is the assertion of existence. And even unthinking rocks and chemicals assert their own existence by possessing tangible traits. Even a corpse has soul, as contradictory as that may sound.

It has long been a misunderstanding that artificial creations do not have souls. This is inaccurate. Be it a clone or an entirely independent artificial lifeform, they do possess some soul; it is merely lesser than that of a subject created through more naturally occurring means. An artificial creation with a capacity for thought will undoubtedly increase the capacity of its soul as it interacts with the world and asserts its own existence.

 

 

From the personal writings of Koppa

Spoiler

Today we had success in creating the first artificial creature using an entirely artificial substance. It was merely a single celled bacterium, but it is progress. This subject, while looking and acting like common bacterium is not made from conventional matter, it is made of D.E.N.T.A matter. Divanore would not keep silent about the fears that assailed him over creating an indescribable creature, so to satisfy him, we destroyed the bacterium twenty minutes after completion. Like the substance in which it was created from, it broke apart from initial shock. While the D.E.N.T.A matter creating the lifeform cannot be destroyed, the connections that make up’s membranes can be. And once severed they cannot be reconnected.  So my grandest creation is, in every sense of the word, dead. But it shall stand as my grandest creation for a short amount of time. Digamma is nearly finished with the neural net for creating a more advanced creature.

 

Progress Report by Dr Heta

Spoiler

After testing the substance by creating a single celled organism, we have jumped ahead several million years of evolution and created a small rodent from the substance. The creature it was modelled off of is vorous, and sure enough the false rodent explores its cage searching for food, just like the control. The creature continues to unnerve and upset Divanore even though it is completely harmless. In fact it seems entirely unremarkable. It looks and acts too much like the control. I fear if we receive a visit now and are asked to show our work, we will receive a cut to funding.

 

From the personal writings of Koppa

Spoiler

It seems the subject is content to act like the control, even if it’s made from completely different matter. We need to prompt it to realize what it is. For this end we amputated it’s front right leg. To my disappointment its reactions were completely identical to the control. Digamma is to blame, he made his neural net too similar. It needs to know it is not some mere rodent, but the greatest thing created by mortal hands.

 

From the personal writings of Stigma

Spoiler

Koppa continues to grow frustrated by the results of the project. I think it is very fruitful however. We have continued to raise the temperature in the subject’s enclosure to well beyond that of the control. This has made no difference on the functioning of the subject. But that is what we expected. It seems Koppa desires more. I suggested we remove some organs from the creature and see how it functions then. A few days later we made some progress. Without an intestine, the subject has stopped excreting. It still continues to eat, however it is not growing in size compared to the control. It seems it is able to store the excess food it is eating and convert it to more concentrated mass rather than an increase in size. If this continues I expect the creature will become very heavy while still resembling the vague size and shape of the control.

 

From the personal writings of Koppa

Spoiler

Today we cut off another limb of the creature. We expected it to heal quicker than the control subject, but to our delight the creature was able to use its excess mass to regrow its lost limb. This is not a trait that has ever been detected in the species of the control subject. The control subject now has two limbs, while the creature has three. It has not regrown the first limb we originally removed. Tomorrow we will cut off its nose. A more vital organ than a limb.

 

From the personal writings of Divanore

Spoiler

Progress has slowed. After successfully regrowing a limb, it could only regrow a more primitive nose. But the only explanation for that is that the creature wasn’t able to grow a more complete nose. The creature is used to having one, however. And in time it will, I am sure of it. But why should it stop with a nose as powerful as the one it originally had? Surely it can recognise the advantage of a stronger olfactory organ. And why won’t it go beyond? And once it knows it can, surely it will advance beyond in other realms too. I must convince the others to stop here and now before it’s too late. Where they see a mere rodent, I see an oncoming terror that will destroy us all. So far all I’ve managed to convince them to do is to stop feeding the creature. I hope it will starve to death, even though I know it won’t.

 

From the personal writings of San

Spoiler

The creature has been starved for some days now. Thinking and moving requires energy. In its increased mass the creature has energy in excess. But what about when it runs out? A normal creature would starve to death, lacking the required energy to sustain its bodily functions. But this is an indestructible individual. I wonder what it will do to preserve its own existence.

 

From the personal writings of Digamma

Spoiler

The control subject is dead. Starved to death. This is not surprising in the least. The creature continues to live on, however. It has grown lethargic now. I thought it had excess reserves that would last beyond this point, but I suppose regrowing a limb takes a lot of energy. It is not dead yet however. I suspect it may be absorbing the heat from the environment itself to fuel it’s on going life. Divanore agrees with me and wants us to lower the temperature to absolute zero. It seems he is intent on killing the thing for good. I find myself agreeing with his suggestion to remove heat as a source of energy. If it dies, we can always make another.

 

From the personal writings of Heta

Spoiler

After much persuading, Divanore has convinced me to release a predator into the enclosure. Koppa objects. He has grown too attached to the subject. I fear he has forgotten what the original purpose of this experiment was. As interesting as the development of this artificial creation is, it is bringing us no closer to our original goal of creating a perfect armour coating for space ships. Hopefully showing how he creature reacts to oncoming attack will lead us in that direction. If not, we will need to shut down this part of the project entirely. Funding is too tight right now.

 

From the personal writings of Stigma

Spoiler

What a show! The predator immediately tried to consume the creature. I suspected the creature would continue to live on inside the predator’s digestive system, but the predator was unable to kill the creature. It regenerated at a much accelerated rate. We thought it on deaths door, but it seems once we stopped feeding it, it’s slowed movement was its attempted to save on energy. It moved fast today however, as it ran from one side of the enclosure to another trying to escape. It quickly developed another ability that was never present in the control species. It can now stick to walls.  Digamma is fascinated by this. He says the microscopic changes needed to enact this change would require a lot of processing power. Necessity is the mother of invention I’ve heard it said.

 

From the personal writings of Divanore

Spoiler

Stigma was amused by the predator’s attempts to hunt the creature. I wanted to throttle him then and there. I’ve been proven right however. After some hours of being chased the creature developed defensive measurements to escape. The creature was not content merely escaping however. It physically grew bigger with sharper claws. It was not a quick conflict, but the creature finally managed to kill the predator. It was smaller, but its regeneration capability was much greater than that of the predator. Everyone was shocked when it proceeded to eat its conquest. The control subject never ate creatures of the predator’s size. It was predominantly a herbivore. Another control subject has been ordered to test if the control species could digest the predator, but I think it is unnecessary. Merely looking now makes it clear that this creature is no longer a harmless rodent.

 

From the personal writing of Koppa

Spoiler

How I feared for the creature’s life, but it fought and it won over the predator. It seems Heta wants to end the project entirely. Despite the creature’s victory, he has decided to follow Divanore’s advice and has reduced the temperature of the enclosure towards absolute zero. I managed to convince him only to do it slowly instead of suddenly, so that we may make further observations. I have secretly begun feeding the creature other animals when Heta and Divanore aren’t present. It would be impossible to do it without anyone else knowing, the creature is observed permanently. It seems Digamma and Stigma are aligned with me however. San, I am not so sure. The creature interested him at first, but he has grown more distant recently. I do not think he liked the predator experiment. Though I don’t understand why.

 

From the personal writings of Digamma

Spoiler

Koppa’s disobedience was discovered today. The creature had finally ceased moving. When we performed an autopsy, Heta noticed immediately that the creature was far heavier than expected. But that wasn’t the most interesting find. Inside we discovered the shrivelled brains of several of the animals that were fed to it, preserved in a special pouch the control species never possessed. The rest of the creatures we fed it were converted into energy, but it seems the creature either couldn’t or wouldn’t digest the grey matter. That it couldn’t digest them seems unreasonable to assume at this point. Thus I am left with the possibility that it wouldn’t. But why wouldn’t it? This is an unscientific guess, but the only conclusion I can draw is that the creature can recognise how complicated a brain is. It cannot understand them, and is seeking to do so before incorporating them into its being. I say is, because it turned out the creature is not dead. Taken out of the absolute zero environment, it quickly began moving again. The dissection became a vivisection. Fortunately we were able to return it to its enclosure. The experiment must continue now! I cannot let Divanore convince Heta to kill it again.

 

From the personal writings of Stigma

Spoiler

I have convinced Heta to continue with the experiment by pointing out that even if this was not what we originally designed, the creature could make an effective bioweapon. X-rays show it now digests the brains of the creatures we feed it. What’s more, it has begun taking on advantageous traits of the creatures we have fed to it. Divanore keeps on warning us about controlling the creature, he seems certain its reached a point where it can’t be destroyed, yet at the same time pleads with us to drop the enclosure to absolute temperature to try to do just that. I am of two minds. I am genuinely curious to see whether a sudden drop in temperature would provide enough of a shock to kill the creature. But if it does succeed in killing it, the months it took to get the creature to this stage will be lost. Perhaps we should start developing a second prototype now…

 

From the personal writings of Koppa

Spoiler

Progress has slowed once more. The creature was taking on traits of the animals we fed it, but it seems nothing we give it now will make much difference. It now requires different selection pressures to enact change. What we have created is, essentially, rapid evolution at work. Yet it seems as if its intelligence refuses to advance no matter how we try to train it. The remedy to this dead end is obvious. It must be fed an intelligent creature. Why wouldn’t it take on the trait of intelligence as it has the qualities of other animals it has digested? To my surprise, Divanore offered up his only lab assistant. The one he defected to the federation with. These people of the Nazpire are truly from a heartless society.

 

From the personal writings of San

Spoiler

I am the only one who understands what we are truly creating here. Divanore senses it too, but his fear blinds him from grasping the ultimate truth. It all changes today. Today is the day Denta is born.

 

From the personal writings of Divanore

Spoiler

Forgive me Nguồn. They would have killed someone anyway, better it be you whose brain this creature absorbs. Then hopefully its goals will align with that of the Nazpire. These people of the federation accepted your life without any hesitation. Though they had the nerve to scorn me as if my crime were any greater. You accepted him Koppa! His blood is on your hands as much as mine own. His blood is on all out hands. And soon, I fear the blood of every life form on the planet may be on our hands. And maybe not just this planet. Maybe all planets could be at risk. I am only thankful Nguồn was not a psychic. This creature might be what Nazclark has been warning us since the founding of the Nazpire. And I was here. At Ground Zero. Powerless to stop it. I must take control of the lab. I’ll reduce the enclosure to absolute zero tonight. It’s the only thing that remains which might work.

 

From the personal writings of Stigma

Spoiler

Divanore just tried to take control of the lab. He was attempting to kill the creature. He managed to snap the temperature of the lab down to absolute zero, but it seemed to have no effect on the creature. Then he took a machine gun to the creature, seeking to stop it. I managed to subdue him, but not before he fired several rounds into it. Previously such an attack on the material would tear it to shreds, but in this case the creature’s body became more elastic and viscous. It buffeted the creature, but failed to do any sort of noticeable damage. This is what we desired from the start in action. The D.E.N.T.A matter is working as intended. It just has to be attached to an intelligent mind, which the creature now possesses. I wonder now if we can achieve the same effect without the creature, using an external mind not made from D.E.N.T.A. Of course the other factor at work here is that Divanore, in his haste, was correct. We have given birth to an indestructible creature. So while the defector will no doubt be punished for his acts, a question does remain. What do we do with the creature?

 

 

Official Report by Dr Heta

Spoiler

 

I can only offer my deepest apologies for the ill use of Federal funding for our project, code name D.E.N.T.A. In our attempt to develop the perfect armour, we created a creature. For sixteen months we observed it growing. However, for reasons I cannot fathom, Dr Digamma stole the experiment and fled the planet last night. We attempted to track him; however he was able to modify his ship to evade detection. Where Dr Digamma is now and what he plans to do with the experiment I know not.

There is also the matter of the Nazpire defector, Divanore. He attempted to take control of the lab and destroy the creature. It was during this attempted coup in which Dr Digamma vanished. I am unsure if they were working together or if Dr Digamma merely acted in an opportunistic manner. I have seized the personal writings of them both. Divanore wrote of his intention to pull a coup, but did not mentioni Dr Digamma at all. While Dr Digamma’s writings were general on the progress of the project. They offered no insight into what his intentions were. Divanore is now in our custody. I ask what the High Senate would like me to do with him. If I am to be candid with my feelings, I do not think he was acting as an agent of the Nazpire. His desire to stop the experiment for ethical reasons seems entirely sincere. Furthermore, none of this experiment, though it ultimately be a failure, could have succeeded without him. His intelligence is a valuable asset to the UPF and I hope we can continue to use it.

 

 

Execution Warrant

Spoiler

 

The life of the individual known as Divanore: ID:DEF1808 is forfeit. Subject is to be killed immediately and on sight as of the signing of this report.

Signed, High Senator Chi

 

 

From the personal writings of Koppa

Spoiler

Things have grown truly dire since Digamma fled with my experiment. Divanore was also detained originally, but he vanished as if into thin air. San has also somehow managed to flee. Everyone is speculating as to whether San helped Divanore escape. He might be an agent from the Nazpire. It is a possibility; he was never the most open of individuals. But it hardly matters. Everyone else is missing the writing on the wall. The others have gotten out, I shall too. Thanks to Digamma this experiment has been a colossal failure, and the High Senate will not accept that. I harbour no thoughts of treason, that is why I am leaving my personal writings here before I flee. I will attempt to find Digamma and gain control of my experiment once more. Even if I must become a fugitive to do so.

 

Execution Warrant

Spoiler

 

The life of the individual known as Heta: ID: GALGAL4C2249F99L is forfeit. Subject is to be killed immediately and on sight as of the signing of this report.

Signed, High Senator Sampi

 

 

 

Edited by Jotari
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