SF's "Write Your Butt Off" Competition HD II.5 Remix

[Azure the Scale Tipper]

@TheSilentChloey You are fine. I was not here for the first one anyway, and I have not read the other one. And you were not harsh at all.

[Dragoncat]

@Anacybele Great use of the prompt, very touching and the actual dialogue from PoR in there is neat. Maybe having Bryce say Ike was his nephew at the end could be seen as just tacked on though, but you wanted to include that twist so I guess it works.

@Azure in a Roundabout I remember the "Where is the damn wyvern brigade" line. It's always fun to take a minor character or boss and flesh them out like you did with Campari here. Not sure if Aversa knowing Tharja would have Noire is a necessary thing, or if Aversa even has the ability to do so. Tharja became more likeable than she is ingame, I'm glad you didn't have her obsessing over Robin right away, that was a wise choice on your part.

@Jotari Basically what Ana said only without the "I don't like pairings between characters who were like siblings growing up". It's a case by case basis for me. I'm neutral on these two. I find myself wondering what Pelleas will say here. Was his proposal out of actual love or attraction, or was he doing what was expected of him politically?

@Ottservia You tread on some thin ice here for sure...but I do say as far as the prompt goes, it really really fits. Maybe the piece would benefit from more examples of how the family is a shit family who doesn't care, because they just seemed to be a regular good family with high expectations until it was shown that they weren't mourning. But then again, that could have made the story even more depressing and triggering for some people.

@TheSilentChloey Seven Deadly Camillas and Eye Ess were indeed good jokes. Short and simple, not much going on here but the prompt seems to be covered well. And...not sure if you forgot about mine or just haven't read it yet.

Will finish reviewing later.

[Ottservia]

21 minutes ago, Dragoncat said:

You tread on some thin ice here for sure...but I do say as far as the prompt goes, it really really fits. Maybe the piece would benefit from more examples of how the family is a shit family who doesn't care, because they just seemed to be a regular good family with high expectations until it was shown that they weren't mourning. But then again, that could have made the story even more depressing and triggering for some people.

Thing is I never wanted to portray the other family members as shitty. That kind of way of portraying it would’ve been a little too black and white for my liking which is why I tried to keep that sort of thing vague and open ended. Like I said all I wanted to do was portray complete and unrelenting despair without a tinge of hope in sight. It’s so easy to say stuff like “try harder next time” but sometimes those words can feel empty and in fact do the exact opposite from it’s intended meaning which is more or less one of the main things I was going for

Edited May 7, 2019 by Ottservia

[Azure the Scale Tipper]

11 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

Thing is I never wanted to portray the other family members as shitty. That kind of way of portraying it would’ve been a little too black and white for my liking which is why I tried to keep that sort of thing vague and open ended. Like I said all I wanted to do was portray complete and unrelenting despair without a tinge of hope in sight. It’s so easy to say stuff like “try harder next time” but sometimes those words can feel empty and in fact do the exact opposite from it’s intended meaning which is more or less one of the main things I was going for

So basically the family means well, but they don’t understand?

And I mean, why have such high expectations for Calculus? That’s rough for anyone!

@Dragoncat For Aversa, it was meant to emphasize how far ahead she was compared to our heroes. Simply things that show Aversa’s perspective better.

Edited May 7, 2019 by Azure in a Roundabout

[Ottservia]

2 minutes ago, Azure in a Roundabout said:

So basically the family means well, but they don’t understand?

And I mean, why have such high expectations for Calculus? That’s rough for anyone!

Pretty much. Also you’ve clearly never had a run in with asian parents have you? They have high expectations for everything regarding school. It didn’t have to be calculus necessarily. It could’ve been any class really. Calculus was just the first one to come to mind when I was writing the piece. 

[TheSilentChloey]

33 minutes ago, Dragoncat said:

@Anacybele Great use of the prompt, very touching and the actual dialogue from PoR in there is neat. Maybe having Bryce say Ike was his nephew at the end could be seen as just tacked on though, but you wanted to include that twist so I guess it works.

@Azure in a Roundabout I remember the "Where is the damn wyvern brigade" line. It's always fun to take a minor character or boss and flesh them out like you did with Campari here. Not sure if Aversa knowing Tharja would have Noire is a necessary thing, or if Aversa even has the ability to do so. Tharja became more likeable than she is ingame, I'm glad you didn't have her obsessing over Robin right away, that was a wise choice on your part.

@Jotari Basically what Ana said only without the "I don't like pairings between characters who were like siblings growing up". It's a case by case basis for me. I'm neutral on these two. I find myself wondering what Pelleas will say here. Was his proposal out of actual love or attraction, or was he doing what was expected of him politically?

@Ottservia You tread on some thin ice here for sure...but I do say as far as the prompt goes, it really really fits. Maybe the piece would benefit from more examples of how the family is a shit family who doesn't care, because they just seemed to be a regular good family with high expectations until it was shown that they weren't mourning. But then again, that could have made the story even more depressing and triggering for some people.

@TheSilentChloey Seven Deadly Camillas and Eye Ess were indeed good jokes. Short and simple, not much going on here but the prompt seems to be covered well. And...not sure if you forgot about mine or just haven't read it yet.

Will finish reviewing later.

Oh no!  Sorry!  I didn't mean to miss it!  Oh shit!

I might have missed it...dang it!!!!

[TheSilentChloey]

Because I was such an idiot...

 

@Dragoncat

Spoiler

Interesting use of King Rhoam, it did kind of fall into the "creative licence" territory of fanfiction.  Not too bad though considering it's one of the few Zelda fics I've read where I've actually played the game in this comp.

 

I enjoyed it, a nice read XD

 

[Anacybele]

2 hours ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Huh?  Okay so let me get this straight...

 

Apparently because you felt inclinded to say basically "My FEH Morgan is better than yours because he's going to run the most standard build of Morgan there is because that's what's best...wait no I'm just just critiquing not doing what someone else did to me that I called rude..." when that was EXACTLY what you were doing Ana and when it was pointed out to you you kept saying "Oh but I WASN'T being rude I was just critiquing because I said why my Morgan was better!" and when I weighed in on the matter you were all like,

"Oh so I can't critique now no matter what the topic because you weren't looking to be like everyone else with your Morgan..." when I pointed out I wanted my Morgan to be unique for my own reasons.

This topic is THE place for critiques.  That's why we're here :/ I wouldn't have posted here if I wasn't wanting to be critqued in a CONSTRUCTIVE manner.

 

That said I am a particularly hyper senstive individual, so much so that I often times won't actually pick up on the cues others are sending, or flat out just have it float over my head and that's where 95% of the problem lies.

See, this is exactly what I wanted to avoid, more arguments between us, because there have been too many. I'm afraid that if I critique you, there will be more arguments. Maybe what I said about your Morgan could've been worded differently, but my intent was still critique. And yes, I'm aware now of what you intended for your Morgan to be, your initial words just didn't come off that way to me. And this is another thing that causes our arguments, misinterpreting one another's words. And this is all I have to say here.

Thanks for the critique though, and thanks to Dcat for hers as well. I understand that you didn't play Tellius, Chloey, so you probably would have enjoyed my piece more if you did. I try to make my stuff as easy to follow as possible even for someone that's not played the game in question or whatever, but I suppose I don't do that 100% perfectly.

@Dragoncat Yeah, it probably is kinda tacked on, but I thought the twist made it more interesting. Didn't think it hurt to have it.

 

[Dragoncat]

41 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Interesting use of King Rhoam, it did kind of fall into the "creative licence" territory of fanfiction.  Not too bad though considering it's one of the few Zelda fics I've read where I've actually played the game in this comp.

Wow, is it the only one you played? I recommend Twilight Princess at least. 

Creative license is like, a fanfic thing in general. At least for me and I think you do a lot of it too. Link talks more than he does ingame for sure, silent protags do not work well in written text form...people make HYAA HYUTT jokes and I'm just like really? He can be kinda quiet and a "strong silent type", but he's not mute. And the ear movements. Omg the ear movements. Best headcanon ever imo, anything with ears like that should be able to move them to pick up sounds and as body language.

Edited May 8, 2019 by Dragoncat

[TheSilentChloey]

13 minutes ago, Dragoncat said:

Wow, is it the only one you played? I recommend Twilight Princess at least. 

Creative license is like, a fanfic thing in general. At least for me and I think you do a lot of it too. Link talks more than he does ingame for sure, silent protags do not work well in written text form...people make HYAA HYUTT jokes and I'm just like really? He can be kinda quiet and a "strong silent type", but he's not mute. And the ear movements. Omg the ear movements. Best headcanon ever imo, anything with ears like that should be able to move them to pick up sounds and as body language.

I was unlucky enough to miss a chance at playing Twilight Princess and almost all other Zelda games in the franchise.  Still I'm glad I've been able to play BOTW, as hard as it can be to play sometimes...freaking Yiga clan...

[Anacybele]

Skyward Sword is my favorite Zelda and I highly recommend it. Though if you don't like linearity, it won't be your cup of tea. SS is pretty linear. TP is too, actually.

[DarthR0xas]

Man, I was really feeling this prompt, but then finals hit and once they ended, basically the day before the deadline, I got hit with writers block. Oh well, that's life for you. Anyways, onto the critiques

@Anacybele

Spoiler

Before I go into the full on critique, in your notes you say how you copied parts from the game itself, and the way that you phrased it gives me the idea that you think it worsens the piece somewhat. I disagree, since taking dialogue from the game is one of the best ways to ensure that you get a character exactly right. I take random lines from the source I'm writing about all the time. Now, I am going to say that a 1 to 1 copying is a little lazy, at least do a little editing to make it flow a little better in a differing format, but it's perfectly fine to do so.

Anyways, I feel that the setting up of this piece was a little clumsy. When you're trying to paint a picture of a bloody brawl, but it just feels a little too wordy, or a tad unclear at points. For instance, "They all wielded swords, axes, lances, bows, and magical tomes". Now I know what you're saying, it's just what they have equipped, however, due to the word "all", it gives the impression that every soldier has all of those weapons. Another little thing that seemed off was that you said there were only Dragon feral ones "They were tall dragons standing upon two legs, their minds unfortunately warped beyond repair and forced to fight against their will." when in fact there are also cat and tiger feral ones under Ashnards command in the final battle. The only reason I point this out is because you're using the exact dialogue of the game, which would mean you would have to look up Bryce and this chapter, so it's just a small bit of fact checking. 

I'm not partial to the direction you took Bryce. Dead wife, sure. Newly dead child, why not, Ashnard really didn't need this to seem like a dick but it seems perfectly in character, but I really don't see him turning to alcohol/having some kind of affair thing. Maybe it's just since he's a part of the Camus archetype, so I'm comparing him to those other gents in the same archetype, but he just seems like he'd have too much honor and all that junk to turn to alcohol. If he had simply remarried, then that would be fine in my opinion, but since it's all contextualized around the booze, it doesn't sit well with me.

Also, tiny little mistake here, "Tauroneo had finished cutting down a Crimean swordsman" should really be "Tauroneo had finished cutting down a Daeinian (or however that's spelled) swordsman", since he is on the Crimean's side.

I was a bit of a nitpicky git in this critique, but I did really enjoy your piece.

@TheSilentChloey

Spoiler

Ah, another Fell Dragon Grima piece. Well, at least you're consistent. Anyways, this piece was alright. I'm no particular expert on Grima or Robin, so I'll just say Grima seems a little bit more chummy then I think he'd be, and leave it at that. One thing I did really like was the character's confusion over all the game mechanics, that strikes me as something that basically every unit wouldn't really get, while the Summoner would act like it's natural. I only wish that IV's were mentioned, just because I think that'd conversation would be funnier than the combat manual one.

It might be my lack of knowledge on Feh lore, I really just play the game for fun, not for the plot, but I was under the impression that each version of the unit was technically separate, so I'm not sure where all of this "not the worst summoner I've had" talk is coming from if she's the only summoner he's had. Might just be me not knowing the proper plot details, but it still seemed odd to me.

@Dragoncat

Spoiler

Alright, so first major thing, Link talking. Whether or not Link should talk is something I personally have never decided on. There are points where I think it helps or hurts his character. Obviously, when writing him it's easier to have him talk, but I think if you keep his silent, stoic nature and just really describe his facial expressions, it'd be a much better piece. With the exception of one or two lines, the King was very well done, although I wish you had included his encounter at the shack. Basically, if you had written more with less by having Link not talk (not saying Link was glaringly bad or anything, he was quite good, but I think he'd be better voiceless), and then just added one scene with the log cabin this piece would be a veritable 9/10

@Jotari

Spoiler

I don't really have much to say here. It's a well written piece, as yours always are. My biggest issue is that it doesn't really follow the prompt. It kinda does, since it portrays Sothe and Miccy's relationship in a more romantic light, but it isn't really such a drastic shift to where I'd say it follows the spirit of the prompt. That's basically it.

@AnonymousSpeed

Spoiler

Alright, you got me with the name Cynthia. I totally thought this would be another Awakening fic. Anyways, what the absolute fuck is this piece? I mean that in a good way, as a Christian myself, and one with close ties to pastoral figures, I find this to be absolutely hilarious, mainly since I swear I've heard conversations akin to these plenty of times at my church. But like, what even is the setting? It's the future, with a big federation, but also it's like the 16th century? It's like a big mixing pot for weird ass Christian based ideas, and somehow it kinda works. There are some grammatical and spelling errors, "You're grandmother would be ashamed to see you like this." is my favorite. That's basically it.

@Interdimensional Observer

Sorry mate, I would read yours but since it's got spoilers, and I've just picked up XCX, I'm going to have to abstain for now. Also, I am stealing the phrase "Fudge flakes and chocolate crunchies!", since that is just too good.

@Azure in a Roundabout

Spoiler

I think this piece should've been a little more focused, since it has two separate characters in what counts for two different situations. It's harder to feel attached to the boss who is essentially the new perspective, when we keep cutting away to Tharja and her misadventures. If we just focused on C-whatever his name was, it would be much more effective. Instead, I didn't really get much of a character out of him other than "I am the general, man, why aren't my troops better?" and that kinda junk. Maybe a little bit more of his backstory, or really anything else to help spice him up. Tharja is Tharja, I've never liked her beyond her design, and I never will find any reason to care about her beyond that. Worse than Camilla, since at least Camilla was a fun unit to use. But enough yelling about how I really don't like Tharja, back to your piece.

There was some inconsistent formatting within your piece. Your first establishing locational phrase is like "In the barracks...", then it goes "Plegia Castle Courtyard, noontime.", and then it jumps to "Inside the courtyard...". Consistency is all I can say to that, also if you establish a timeframe in one of them, just put a time phrase in all of them. Just giving it a random time like "10:30", to "12:00", and then "15:00 (or however much later you want to be), for that consistency. One great moment is just that, a moment. Your piece has a few great moments, where everything clicks, but you need to do a better job bridging them with some more consistent quality dialogue, and proper scene building.

@Ottservia

Spoiler

Shit man, this piece was dark. I'll be perfectly honest, I don't really know how to critique it. I kinda feel like I shouldn't, mainly since the extremely heavy tone. So I'll just say you did a good job conveying the emotions that come with this, and I commend you for going about it in a very sincere manner.

Not sure who I should vote for this round, there are a couple good choices.

[TheSilentChloey]

1 minute ago, Anacybele said:

Skyward Sword is my favorite Zelda and I highly recommend it. Though if you don't like linearity, it won't be your cup of tea. SS is pretty linear. TP is too, actually.

Ah, that might be why I never really picked them up.  Skyrim is my game of choice as are most open world games.  Sims 3 was good but I didn't like the medieval one where you had to do quests and stuff.

4 minutes ago, DarthR0xas said:

Man, I was really feeling this prompt, but then finals hit and once they ended, basically the day before the deadline, I got hit with writers block. Oh well, that's life for you. Anyways, onto the critiques

@Anacybele

  Reveal hidden contents

Before I go into the full on critique, in your notes you say how you copied parts from the game itself, and the way that you phrased it gives me the idea that you think it worsens the piece somewhat. I disagree, since taking dialogue from the game is one of the best ways to ensure that you get a character exactly right. I take random lines from the source I'm writing about all the time. Now, I am going to say that a 1 to 1 copying is a little lazy, at least do a little editing to make it flow a little better in a differing format, but it's perfectly fine to do so.

Anyways, I feel that the setting up of this piece was a little clumsy. When you're trying to paint a picture of a bloody brawl, but it just feels a little too wordy, or a tad unclear at points. For instance, "They all wielded swords, axes, lances, bows, and magical tomes". Now I know what you're saying, it's just what they have equipped, however, due to the word "all", it gives the impression that every soldier has all of those weapons. Another little thing that seemed off was that you said there were only Dragon feral ones "They were tall dragons standing upon two legs, their minds unfortunately warped beyond repair and forced to fight against their will." when in fact there are also cat and tiger feral ones under Ashnards command in the final battle. The only reason I point this out is because you're using the exact dialogue of the game, which would mean you would have to look up Bryce and this chapter, so it's just a small bit of fact checking. 

I'm not partial to the direction you took Bryce. Dead wife, sure. Newly dead child, why not, Ashnard really didn't need this to seem like a dick but it seems perfectly in character, but I really don't see him turning to alcohol/having some kind of affair thing. Maybe it's just since he's a part of the Camus archetype, so I'm comparing him to those other gents in the same archetype, but he just seems like he'd have too much honor and all that junk to turn to alcohol. If he had simply remarried, then that would be fine in my opinion, but since it's all contextualized around the booze, it doesn't sit well with me.

Also, tiny little mistake here, "Tauroneo had finished cutting down a Crimean swordsman" should really be "Tauroneo had finished cutting down a Daeinian (or however that's spelled) swordsman", since he is on the Crimean's side.

I was a bit of a nitpicky git in this critique, but I did really enjoy your piece.

@TheSilentChloey

  Reveal hidden contents

Ah, another Fell Dragon Grima piece. Well, at least you're consistent. Anyways, this piece was alright. I'm no particular expert on Grima or Robin, so I'll just say Grima seems a little bit more chummy then I think he'd be, and leave it at that. One thing I did really like was the character's confusion over all the game mechanics, that strikes me as something that basically every unit wouldn't really get, while the Summoner would act like it's natural. I only wish that IV's were mentioned, just because I think that'd conversation would be funnier than the combat manual one.

It might be my lack of knowledge on Feh lore, I really just play the game for fun, not for the plot, but I was under the impression that each version of the unit was technically separate, so I'm not sure where all of this "not the worst summoner I've had" talk is coming from if she's the only summoner he's had. Might just be me not knowing the proper plot details, but it still seemed odd to me.

@Dragoncat

  Reveal hidden contents

Alright, so first major thing, Link talking. Whether or not Link should talk is something I personally have never decided on. There are points where I think it helps or hurts his character. Obviously, when writing him it's easier to have him talk, but I think if you keep his silent, stoic nature and just really describe his facial expressions, it'd be a much better piece. With the exception of one or two lines, the King was very well done, although I wish you had included his encounter at the shack. Basically, if you had written more with less by having Link not talk (not saying Link was glaringly bad or anything, he was quite good, but I think he'd be better voiceless), and then just added one scene with the log cabin this piece would be a veritable 9/10

@Jotari

  Reveal hidden contents

I don't really have much to say here. It's a well written piece, as yours always are. My biggest issue is that it doesn't really follow the prompt. It kinda does, since it portrays Sothe and Miccy's relationship in a more romantic light, but it isn't really such a drastic shift to where I'd say it follows the spirit of the prompt. That's basically it.

@AnonymousSpeed

  Reveal hidden contents

Alright, you got me with the name Cynthia. I totally thought this would be another Awakening fic. Anyways, what the absolute fuck is this piece? I mean that in a good way, as a Christian myself, and one with close ties to pastoral figures, I find this to be absolutely hilarious, mainly since I swear I've heard conversations akin to these plenty of times at my church. But like, what even is the setting? It's the future, with a big federation, but also it's like the 16th century? It's like a big mixing pot for weird ass Christian based ideas, and somehow it kinda works. There are some grammatical and spelling errors, "You're grandmother would be ashamed to see you like this." is my favorite. That's basically it.

@Interdimensional Observer

Sorry mate, I would read yours but since it's got spoilers, and I've just picked up XCX, I'm going to have to abstain for now. Also, I am stealing the phrase "Fudge flakes and chocolate crunchies!", since that is just too good.

@Azure in a Roundabout

  Reveal hidden contents

I think this piece should've been a little more focused, since it has two separate characters in what counts for two different situations. It's harder to feel attached to the boss who is essentially the new perspective, when we keep cutting away to Tharja and her misadventures. If we just focused on C-whatever his name was, it would be much more effective. Instead, I didn't really get much of a character out of him other than "I am the general, man, why aren't my troops better?" and that kinda junk. Maybe a little bit more of his backstory, or really anything else to help spice him up. Tharja is Tharja, I've never liked her beyond her design, and I never will find any reason to care about her beyond that. Worse than Camilla, since at least Camilla was a fun unit to use. But enough yelling about how I really don't like Tharja, back to your piece.

There was some inconsistent formatting within your piece. Your first establishing locational phrase is like "In the barracks...", then it goes "Plegia Castle Courtyard, noontime.", and then it jumps to "Inside the courtyard...". Consistency is all I can say to that, also if you establish a timeframe in one of them, just put a time phrase in all of them. Just giving it a random time like "10:30", to "12:00", and then "15:00 (or however much later you want to be), for that consistency. One great moment is just that, a moment. Your piece has a few great moments, where everything clicks, but you need to do a better job bridging them with some more consistent quality dialogue, and proper scene building.

@Ottservia

  Reveal hidden contents

Shit man, this piece was dark. I'll be perfectly honest, I don't really know how to critique it. I kinda feel like I shouldn't, mainly since the extremely heavy tone. So I'll just say you did a good job conveying the emotions that come with this, and I commend you for going about it in a very sincere manner.

Not sure who I should vote for this round, there are a couple good choices.

The Grima having a few different summoners is a headcanon of mine, since Grimmy seems like the unit who would have had a few before his current (and waaaay to kind to him for her own good in his opinion) summoner.  Basically it boils down to mostly headcanons and a lot of conjecture.  Still the IVs idea might be one I will explore at another time.  Though having summoned 3 Grimas to date (male ones) I guess we'll have to see if another fic is feasible...

[Anacybele]

19 minutes ago, DarthR0xas said:

Anyways, I feel that the setting up of this piece was a little clumsy. When you're trying to paint a picture of a bloody brawl, but it just feels a little too wordy, or a tad unclear at points. For instance, "They all wielded swords, axes, lances, bows, and magical tomes". Now I know what you're saying, it's just what they have equipped, however, due to the word "all", it gives the impression that every soldier has all of those weapons. Another little thing that seemed off was that you said there were only Dragon feral ones "They were tall dragons standing upon two legs, their minds unfortunately warped beyond repair and forced to fight against their will." when in fact there are also cat and tiger feral ones under Ashnards command in the final battle. The only reason I point this out is because you're using the exact dialogue of the game, which would mean you would have to look up Bryce and this chapter, so it's just a small bit of fact checking. 

Fair, I guess. Except on the laguz thing, I did look up things about the chapter like you said and there was no mention of cat and bird laguz being enemies in that battle, and I recall having seen enemy dragons.

19 minutes ago, DarthR0xas said:

I'm not partial to the direction you took Bryce. Dead wife, sure. Newly dead child, why not, Ashnard really didn't need this to seem like a dick but it seems perfectly in character, but I really don't see him turning to alcohol/having some kind of affair thing. Maybe it's just since he's a part of the Camus archetype, so I'm comparing him to those other gents in the same archetype, but he just seems like he'd have too much honor and all that junk to turn to alcohol. If he had simply remarried, then that would be fine in my opinion, but since it's all contextualized around the booze, it doesn't sit well with me.

It's fine if my portrayal of Bryce is not to your tastes, but it isn't an unreasonable way to go with him at all. Don't you know how depression works? It can make people do insane things and things that would normally be out of character. Many depressed people end up turning to alcohol and drugs and can wind up making bad decisions that they otherwise would've never considered. Another thing, too much alcohol can make people do stupid shit too. Bryce might not even remember having sex with Amanda, only that he'd met and connected with her and then woke up in bed beside her. :P

And thanks for pointing out that mistake, I dunno how I made it. lol

Glad you still enjoyed the piece though. :)

11 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Ah, that might be why I never really picked them up.  Skyrim is my game of choice as are most open world games.  Sims 3 was good but I didn't like the medieval one where you had to do quests and stuff.

I see. I don't care if a game is open world or linear. I just want fun gameplay and a good story if there's a story. I never did understand why some people think linearity = bad game. To me, a linear game can be super fun or an open world game can be super fun. It just depends on the actual content.

Edited May 8, 2019 by Anacybele

[TheSilentChloey]

2 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

Fair, I guess. Except on the laguz thing, I did look up things about the chapter like you said and there was no mention of cat and bird laguz being enemies in that battle, and I recall having seen enemy dragons.

It's fine if my portrayal of Bryce is not to your tastes, but it isn't an unreasonable way to go with him at all. Don't you know how depression works? It can make people do insane things and things that would normally be out of character. Many depressed people end up turning to alcohol and drugs and can wind up making bad decisions that they otherwise would've never considered. Another thing, too much alcohol can make people do stupid shit too. Bryce might not even remember having sex with Amanda, only that he'd met and connected with her. :P

And thanks for pointing out that mistake, I dunno how I made it. lol

Glad you still enjoyed the piece though. :)

I see. I don't care if a game is open world or linear. I just want fun gameplay and a good story if there's a story. I never did understand why some people think linearity = bad game. To me, a linear game can be super fun or an open world game can be super fun. It just depends on the actual content.

Pokémon is the most linear game there is.  And while it is fun you kind of reach a point where there isn't really that much to do...

[Anacybele]

1 minute ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Pokémon is the most linear game there is.  And while it is fun you kind of reach a point where there isn't really that much to do...

Yeah, never really bothered me. By that point, I'm tired of playing it because there was a lot to do. xP

[DarthR0xas]

11 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

The Grima having a few different summoners is a headcanon of mine, since Grimmy seems like the unit who would have had a few before his current (and waaaay to kind to him for her own good in his opinion) summoner.  Basically it boils down to mostly headcanons and a lot of conjecture.

Ah, gotcha

3 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

Fair, I guess. Except on the laguz thing, I did look up things about the chapter like you said and there was no mention of cat and bird laguz being enemies in that battle, and I recall having seen enemy dragons.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1Nn0WggvTw

Just watch that for half a second and you can see there are cat and tiger Laguz, along with the enemy dragons. Or just look at the enemy data on the good Wiki 

https://fireemblemwiki.org/wiki/Repatriation

It says 2 cats and 2 Tigers, which I think might just be normal mode. There aren't any birds to my knowledge though, so you're right on that front.

[Dragoncat]

17 minutes ago, DarthR0xas said:

Alright, so first major thing, Link talking. Whether or not Link should talk is something I personally have never decided on. There are points where I think it helps or hurts his character. Obviously, when writing him it's easier to have him talk, but I think if you keep his silent, stoic nature and just really describe his facial expressions, it'd be a much better piece. With the exception of one or two lines, the King was very well done, although I wish you had included his encounter at the shack. Basically, if you had written more with less by having Link not talk (not saying Link was glaringly bad or anything, he was quite good, but I think he'd be better voiceless), and then just added one scene with the log cabin this piece would be a veritable 9/10

I'll just copy paste this in:

Quote

Link talks more than he does ingame for sure, silent protags do not work well in written text form...people make HYAA HYUTT jokes and I'm just like really? He can be kinda quiet and a "strong silent type", but he's not mute.

It comes down to preference I guess? While I can see how it would be truer to canon if he didn't talk, when I write fanfic I do...stray from canon. Not too much, but you know. And I mean, his dialogue is just not shown. He answers questions. It seems odd to me to keep a silent protag silent in these things because it's game mechanics vs writing out a story imo.

The cabin was a thing I considered adding, ended up swapping it out for the bokoblin fight...couldn't really see how to add it and keep the flow of the story/not have it seem tacked on.

[DarthR0xas]

3 minutes ago, Dragoncat said:

It comes down to preference I guess? While I can see how it would be truer to canon if he didn't talk, when I write fanfic I do...stray from canon. Not too much, but you know. And I mean, his dialogue is just not shown. He answers questions. It seems odd to me to keep a silent protag silent in these things because it's game mechanics vs writing out a story imo.

Yeah basically, as I said, my preference changes from "Yeah, he should talk" to "no, he shouldn't talk" and vice versa pretty often, so I get just picking the easier of the two.

4 minutes ago, Dragoncat said:

The cabin was a thing I considered adding, ended up swapping it out for the bokoblin fight...couldn't really see how to add it and keep the flow of the story/not have it seem tacked on.

Seems like it'd be a pretty easy thing to add imo. Just have Link go there to prepare for the cold of the mountain. Like he ventured there once and nearly died, so then he wanders around and finds the old man chilling in his cabin, to which you could add a humorous interaction, the old man throws in some basic tutorial about cooking or something to that effect, and then Link goes on to the mountain, cut to the Bokoblin fight, or just to Shrine, really your choice past that point.

[Dragoncat]

1 minute ago, DarthR0xas said:

7 minutes ago, Dragoncat said:

 

Seems like it'd be a pretty easy thing to add imo. Just have Link go there to prepare for the cold of the mountain. Like he ventured there once and nearly died, so then he wanders around and finds the old man chilling in his cabin, to which you could add a humorous interaction, the old man throws in some basic tutorial about cooking or something to that effect, and then Link goes on to the mountain, cut to the Bokoblin fight, or just to Shrine, really your choice past that point.

Fair point. In hindsight, I think I didn't end up adding it because of the prompt and I was trying to do the king's PoV, which I did switch for the fight...yeah, I just wanted to finish this thing basically.

[Anacybele]

17 minutes ago, DarthR0xas said:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1Nn0WggvTw

Just watch that for half a second and you can see there are cat and tiger Laguz, along with the enemy dragons. Or just look at the enemy data on the good Wiki 

https://fireemblemwiki.org/wiki/Repatriation

It says 2 cats and 2 Tigers, which I think might just be normal mode. There aren't any birds to my knowledge though, so you're right on that front.

Huh, so you're right. Oops again. xP Thanks for pointing that out.

[Ottservia]

49 minutes ago, DarthR0xas said:

Shit man, this piece was dark. I'll be perfectly honest, I don't really know how to critique it. I kinda feel like I shouldn't, mainly since the extremely heavy tone. So I'll just say you did a good job conveying the emotions that come with this, and I commend you for going about it in a very sincere manner.

Well thx for the kind words. Like I said, my mind goes to very dark pieces sometimes and I guess Gen Urobochi’s writing can have that effect on people(as madoka magica’s third movie rebellion served as a sort of inspiration for this piece). Though I’m kind of glad the piece seems to be giving off the same feelings I had when I finished watching that movie. Well the movie and episode 3 but we don’t talk about episode 3.

Edited May 8, 2019 by Ottservia

[Dr. C]

I almost voted without reading the rules. 

I thought it was a vote on a writing topic as opposed to titles of written work.

wpuld have felt quite silly if I hadn't scrolled down lol.

[Azure the Scale Tipper]

@DarthR0xas

Okay, I agree I should have stuck with one character. I probably should have stuck with Campari, really. I mean, @TheSilentChloey said I did a nice job with the dark mage, but a minor role for Tharja here with Campari and Chaim (the archer) front and center would have been best. I might still save a Tharja-focused plot for another time with that same mindset with her.

I would like to know what those good moments are, though. Trying not to find validation, just strengths.

And about the setting setters (like Inside the Courtyard...), I will have to try better consistency.

Thank you. If you have any more pointers (whether or not it is criticism), then I’ll be fine with hearing them.

I do agree with you on @AnonymousSpeed‘s setting, I want more of it.

[Jotari]

4 hours ago, Dragoncat said:

 

@Jotari Basically what Ana said only without the "I don't like pairings between characters who were like siblings growing up". It's a case by case basis for me. I'm neutral on these two. I find myself wondering what Pelleas will say here. Was his proposal out of actual love or attraction, or was he doing what was expected of him politically?

It's working off the canon of the series. So Pelleas accepts the marriage and abdicates, giving the throne to Micaiah.