SF's "Write Your Butt Off" Competition HD II.5 Remix

[SoulWeaver]

On 5/3/2019 at 10:09 AM, Ottservia said:

There's a reason I put a shotgun in there too and I honestly wanted to try and put a telecaster in there as well but I couldn't find a way to fit into the story organically so I didn't do that.

The fact that you consistently manage to slip Wowaka references into your stuff without me realizing until you specifically mention them bothers me a lot more than it should. At least you didn't say the words 'Just Try Harder' were lined up in rows, unhappy, that would have probably made me want to go sit in a corner and cry.
My other prompt idea was to tell you guys to write a piece based in some way on one of the songs I would post links to, and offer up The Megas' Make Your Choice, Owl City's Silhouette, and curiously enough Unhappy Refrain. Frankly, I almost wish I had just to see where you took it, though I suspect it would have been similar to what you put up in the end.

Overall, nice work mah bois, you guys actually managed to take the prompt in a different direction than I expected, so way to go following the prompt in following the prompt. Chloey actually ended up being the closest to my initial idea, which I've added below, but I appreciated all your stuff too.

Spoiler

“Kiran?”

Celica found the Summoner sitting in the corner of one of the darker rooms of the castle.

“Alphonse said you wanted to see me?”

“Ah, Celica...yes, I’ve something I needed you for...”

Kiran twirled Breidablik around his finger, his face unreadable under his hood. Celica had yet to figure out how he made the divine weapon fly around his hand like that, especially in such a close, controlled circle.

“Kiran? Sharena said you were looking for - oh...”

A young nobleman with blond hair came into the room as well - Kline? Celica hadn’t been here long enough to learn his name, she just knew he was an Archer.

“Yes, I require you as well...” Kiran made Breidablik fly around his finger once more, turned to the two of them…

And smiled.

Celica felt a chill. Something within her said to run, to get away now before it was too late. Kiran is our friend, she chided herself for her fear. I can trust him.

“You may not yet be aware, Celica, but I consider Klein to be a...very special comrade.”

“Oh?” Celica tried to smile despite the pit of unease in her gut. “I-I’m glad you have someone to be so close to. I too have a very special comrade.”

“Yes, Alm…” Kiran muttered something that sounded like ‘Windsweep’ but Celica didn’t catch it. “Anyways, your arrival is quite fortunate, Celica...yes, very fortunate indeed.”

Why does he sound ominous? And why does Klein look...sick?

“You see, the build I currently have in mind for Klein requires...Galeforce.”

“Gale...force?”

Kiran stood, slowly walking to Celica’s right, still twirling Breidablik.

“I’d been saving up Feathers to 5-Star a Cordelia for this, but then you came along.”

“Feathers?” What is he talking about? 5-Star? Cordelia? Who is that?

“See, if I may be completely honest with you, Celica, when I Summoned you - I was actually trying to get Veronica.”

“The Princess of Embla?” Wasn’t she our enemy?

“Yes, that’s the one. I needed a Wrathful Staff fodder, but there were no Gray stones, so I went Red on a whim, thinking I’d just pick one Summon and try again, and - well, you happened.”

Celica unconsciously took a step back. She happened? What made him use such a scornful tone?

“Yes, if I hadn’t been wanting to try Heavy Blade-Galeforce on Klein, I’d have been quite upset. As it is, I can add another Skill to his roster and top up Death Blow 4 at the same time, so I suppose it works out in the end.”

“K-Kiran, what are you talking about? I don’t understand any of this!”

“You don’t have to.”

With a snap, Breidablik’s barrel was pressed against her chest.

“All you have to do…”

She couldn’t move. She tried to move, to get away, but literally couldn’t.

“...is let me give Klein Galeforce.”

“K-Kiran, this isn’t - it’s not funny, please, stop! Don’t do things like this to your friends!”

“Friends?”

Kiran cocked his head, and she finally saw his eyes for the first time.

“You’re just data on a screen, Celica. Not even worth a penny in real life.”

Empty, dark holes.

“What? What does that even-”

-Bang-

Something was blasted out of Celica, through her back. She tried to say something, only to find she couldn’t breathe. She tried to lift a hand, and realized her hand-

Was dissolving.

 

Klein shut his eyes as Celica dropped to her knees, blocking out her horrified stare. It’s a terrifying thing, to be unmade like that, your life essence sacrificed and absorbed into another hero, your abilities and techniques now theirs. He knew when she collapsed, even though by then she was so insubstantial it didn’t make a sound.

“Another build finished.”

Kiran’s satisfied tone was probably the worst part of this - that he could so casually speak of the utter deletion of these heroes, who often, like Celica, thought him their friend.

“Now then, it’s Friday, so...Bows training. Excellent.”

No, scratch that.

“Come on, let’s get going, we only have half an hour before I have to go where I don’t get connection.”

The worst part was that Klein knew somehow he had gained the favor of this lunatic, rambling things none of them understood from time to time, and that there was still nothing he could do but fight on under this madman’s banner.

Otherwise, he himself might be the next on the block.

So yeah, Chloey got the world and Otts got the fact that this was initially a rather dark prompt, but thanks to all for pleasantly surprising me.

4 hours ago, Anacybele said:

I never did understand why some people think linearity = bad game.

Linearity tends to bug the hacking community in particular because it can limit them for their fangames. Metroid Fusion is an excellent example - most Metroid games have no set order in which anything needs to be done, meaning half the fun in the game is finding creative ways to sequence break the games, getting a specific powerup early or even doing all the game's bosses in reverse order. Fusion, however, has a standard linear game script, where specific event flags within the game's code need to be tripped before the next event can be accessed. There's like one sequence break that can be done in Fusion, IF you're either using a TAS or are REALLY precise, and the game immediately makes you go back and get the item you skipped so that the event flag can be properly tripped. Because the code is set up in that specific way, it's incredibly difficult to make a unique Fusion hack compared to a hack of another Metroid, like say Super Metroid, Fusion's predecessor, because you're still locked into those event flags that need to be tripped in the exact order. To compare, it's like saying you can do whatever you want to tweak Twilight Princess and make it as unique as you want - your own game, basically - but you HAVE to visit all the places, see all the cutscenes, and get all the items in the exact order the base game has set out for you. It might not bother you specifically, but for a decent number of hackers - particularly in the Metroid community, which is used to very nonlinear games - it's utterly infuriating to be so locked down.
As for Pokemon, the main thing Pokemon suffers from is lack of postgame content - sure, there's lots to do while there's a big bad Team (Insert) on the loose or an Elite Four yet undefeated, but once you get those out of the way, there's pretty much nothing but 'catch them all' to do, which takes WAAY too long.

[Anacybele]

5 minutes ago, SoulWeaver said:

Linearity tends to bug the hacking community in particular because it can limit them for their fangames. Metroid Fusion is an excellent example - most Metroid games have no set order in which anything needs to be done, meaning half the fun in the game is finding creative ways to sequence break the games, getting a specific powerup early or even doing all the game's bosses in reverse order. Fusion, however, has a standard linear game script, where specific event flags within the game's code need to be tripped before the next event can be accessed. There's like one sequence break that can be done in Fusion, IF you're either using a TAS or are REALLY precise, and the game immediately makes you go back and get the item you skipped so that the event flag can be properly tripped. Because the code is set up in that specific way, it's incredibly difficult to make a unique Fusion hack compared to a hack of another Metroid, like say Super Metroid, Fusion's predecessor, because you're still locked into those event flags that need to be tripped in the exact order. To compare, it's like saying you can do whatever you want to tweak Twilight Princess and make it as unique as you want - your own game, basically - but you HAVE to visit all the places, see all the cutscenes, and get all the items in the exact order the base game has set out for you. It might not bother you specifically, but for a decent number of hackers - particularly in the Metroid community, which is used to very nonlinear games - it's utterly infuriating to be so locked down.
As for Pokemon, the main thing Pokemon suffers from is lack of postgame content - sure, there's lots to do while there's a big bad Team (Insert) on the loose or an Elite Four yet undefeated, but once you get those out of the way, there's pretty much nothing but 'catch them all' to do, which takes WAAY too long.

Well, that's all probably because Nintendo naturally would not have the needs of hackers in mind when making their games. I know I wouldn't if I were them.

[TheSilentChloey]

9 minutes ago, SoulWeaver said:

The fact that you consistently manage to slip Wowaka references into your stuff without me realizing until you specifically mention them bothers me a lot more than it should. At least you didn't say the words 'Just Try Harder' were lined up in rows, unhappy, that would have probably made me want to go sit in a corner and cry.
My other prompt idea was to tell you guys to write a piece based in some way on one of the songs I would post links to, and offer up The Megas' Make Your Choice, Owl City's Silhouette, and curiously enough Unhappy Refrain. Frankly, I almost wish I had just to see where you took it, though I suspect it would have been similar to what you put up in the end.

Overall, nice work mah bois, you guys actually managed to take the prompt in a different direction than I expected, so way to go following the prompt in following the prompt. Chloey actually ended up being the closest to my initial idea, which I've added below, but I appreciated all your stuff too.

  Reveal hidden contents

“Kiran?”

Celica found the Summoner sitting in the corner of one of the darker rooms of the castle.

“Alphonse said you wanted to see me?”

“Ah, Celica...yes, I’ve something I needed you for...”

Kiran twirled Breidablik around his finger, his face unreadable under his hood. Celica had yet to figure out how he made the divine weapon fly around his hand like that, especially in such a close, controlled circle.

“Kiran? Sharena said you were looking for - oh...”

A young nobleman with blond hair came into the room as well - Kline? Celica hadn’t been here long enough to learn his name, she just knew he was an Archer.

“Yes, I require you as well...” Kiran made Breidablik fly around his finger once more, turned to the two of them…

And smiled.

Celica felt a chill. Something within her said to run, to get away now before it was too late. Kiran is our friend, she chided herself for her fear. I can trust him.

“You may not yet be aware, Celica, but I consider Klein to be a...very special comrade.”

“Oh?” Celica tried to smile despite the pit of unease in her gut. “I-I’m glad you have someone to be so close to. I too have a very special comrade.”

“Yes, Alm…” Kiran muttered something that sounded like ‘Windsweep’ but Celica didn’t catch it. “Anyways, your arrival is quite fortunate, Celica...yes, very fortunate indeed.”

Why does he sound ominous? And why does Klein look...sick?

“You see, the build I currently have in mind for Klein requires...Galeforce.”

“Gale...force?”

Kiran stood, slowly walking to Celica’s right, still twirling Breidablik.

“I’d been saving up Feathers to 5-Star a Cordelia for this, but then you came along.”

“Feathers?” What is he talking about? 5-Star? Cordelia? Who is that?

“See, if I may be completely honest with you, Celica, when I Summoned you - I was actually trying to get Veronica.”

“The Princess of Embla?” Wasn’t she our enemy?

“Yes, that’s the one. I needed a Wrathful Staff fodder, but there were no Gray stones, so I went Red on a whim, thinking I’d just pick one Summon and try again, and - well, you happened.”

Celica unconsciously took a step back. She happened? What made him use such a scornful tone?

“Yes, if I hadn’t been wanting to try Heavy Blade-Galeforce on Klein, I’d have been quite upset. As it is, I can add another Skill to his roster and top up Death Blow 4 at the same time, so I suppose it works out in the end.”

“K-Kiran, what are you talking about? I don’t understand any of this!”

“You don’t have to.”

With a snap, Breidablik’s barrel was pressed against her chest.

“All you have to do…”

She couldn’t move. She tried to move, to get away, but literally couldn’t.

“...is let me give Klein Galeforce.”

“K-Kiran, this isn’t - it’s not funny, please, stop! Don’t do things like this to your friends!”

“Friends?”

Kiran cocked his head, and she finally saw his eyes for the first time.

“You’re just data on a screen, Celica. Not even worth a penny in real life.”

Empty, dark holes.

“What? What does that even-”

-Bang-

Something was blasted out of Celica, through her back. She tried to say something, only to find she couldn’t breathe. She tried to lift a hand, and realized her hand-

Was dissolving.

 

Klein shut his eyes as Celica dropped to her knees, blocking out her horrified stare. It’s a terrifying thing, to be unmade like that, your life essence sacrificed and absorbed into another hero, your abilities and techniques now theirs. He knew when she collapsed, even though by then she was so insubstantial it didn’t make a sound.

“Another build finished.”

Kiran’s satisfied tone was probably the worst part of this - that he could so casually speak of the utter deletion of these heroes, who often, like Celica, thought him their friend.

“Now then, it’s Friday, so...Bows training. Excellent.”

No, scratch that.

“Come on, let’s get going, we only have half an hour before I have to go where I don’t get connection.”

The worst part was that Klein knew somehow he had gained the favor of this lunatic, rambling things none of them understood from time to time, and that there was still nothing he could do but fight on under this madman’s banner.

Otherwise, he himself might be the next on the block.

So yeah, Chloey got the world and Otts got the fact that this was initially a rather dark prompt, but thanks to all for pleasantly surprising me.

Linearity tends to bug the hacking community in particular because it can limit them for their fangames. Metroid Fusion is an excellent example - most Metroid games have no set order in which anything needs to be done, meaning half the fun in the game is finding creative ways to sequence break the games, getting a specific powerup early or even doing all the game's bosses in reverse order. Fusion, however, has a standard linear game script, where specific event flags within the game's code need to be tripped before the next event can be accessed. There's like one sequence break that can be done in Fusion, IF you're either using a TAS or are REALLY precise, and the game immediately makes you go back and get the item you skipped so that the event flag can be properly tripped. Because the code is set up in that specific way, it's incredibly difficult to make a unique Fusion hack compared to a hack of another Metroid, like say Super Metroid, Fusion's predecessor, because you're still locked into those event flags that need to be tripped in the exact order. To compare, it's like saying you can do whatever you want to tweak Twilight Princess and make it as unique as you want - your own game, basically - but you HAVE to visit all the places, see all the cutscenes, and get all the items in the exact order the base game has set out for you. It might not bother you specifically, but for a decent number of hackers - particularly in the Metroid community, which is used to very nonlinear games - it's utterly infuriating to be so locked down.
As for Pokemon, the main thing Pokemon suffers from is lack of postgame content - sure, there's lots to do while there's a big bad Team (Insert) on the loose or an Elite Four yet undefeated, but once you get those out of the way, there's pretty much nothing but 'catch them all' to do, which takes WAAY too long.

DUDE!  DUDE!!!

 

Like holy....

 

Oh My God...

 

I love it!!!!!!!

 

And totally dark of course lol.  But so totally fun to read!  Fair dinkum mate it was awesome!!!

 

TSC seal of approval.  I love it!

[Azure the Scale Tipper]

@SoulWeaver

Spoiler

Your story was a dark take on the skill inheritance story. Everything from the initial friendliness, to the buildup to the shot, to the fading away.

It was nice.

 

[Ottservia]

11 hours ago, SoulWeaver said:

The fact that you consistently manage to slip Wowaka references into your stuff without me realizing until you specifically mention them bothers me a lot more than it should. At least you didn't say the words 'Just Try Harder' were lined up in rows, unhappy, that would have probably made me want to go sit in a corner and cry.

What can I say? That man's music is a huge inspiration on me as a creator so I try to reference him in whatever I write even in small ways. May his soul rest in peace. There is also a very tiny subtle reference to rolling girl in the piece as well though admittedly that one is from a English cover where the lyric is very slightly different from the official translation( The line being "breathing laughter into her words" which the English cover changes to "Every word she says with a smile"). The meaning of the line is actually rather dark in the greater context. I've done some research on depression and apparently what normally happens right before the victim takes their own life is that they're usually upbeat and happy almost to an abnormal degree to how they usually act. The reason for this is because they have now been able to clear their mind of any doubt or any other feelings that might get in the way of what they're about to do.

Although the Initial inspiration for this piece actually came from Nero's "Lost One's Weeping" to which my original title, "The Answer Is Always False", was a reference towards. I actually wrote the beginning(it was only like two paragraphs worth of manuscript) of this piece a while ago as these feelings were still sort of festering so when I saw your prompt well it reminded me of the unfinished draft and so I reworked it and expanded on the idea.

Also my Initial idea for the prompt was a sort of novelization of unhappy refrain but I wasn't sure how I could make it fit the prompt well enough so ultimately I decided against it 

Anyway Feedback incoming:

@Anacybele

Spoiler

Not a bad piece though the beginning kind of dragged a bit. I liked the information in the beginning though I feel it could've been delivered a much more digestible and less wordy manner. One thing I noticed was how passive the "voice" was in the beginning. Like there was a lot of "He felt this" or "He had that" which makes the sentence a little unnecessarily wordy and explicit. Not to say "to-be" verbs are entirely bad but you just gotta be careful on how you use them. I dunno the beginning just felt a little too telly and detached from the character. Cause if you wanted me to feel bad for the guy, I dunno I think you missed the mark by just a little bit. I dunno I think you could stand to be a little more subtle in regards to characterization and exposition. Then again considering how the story ends the more info dumpy beginning could be the point considering it seems like this story is from a more omniscient narrator based on the ending so I dunno. I did enjoy the second half though and the fight scene wasn't too bad but could've been broken up more but that's mostly a nitpick

@AnonymousSpeed

Spoiler

A very interesting piece and one I'm quite intrigued by especially the world you seemed to have created. I really do like how you portrayed the message here. It's subtle yet very effective in getting me to think. There's not really much else for me to say here.

 

Edited May 8, 2019 by Ottservia

[Dragoncat]

@Interdimensional Observer I played a bit of the first Baiten Kaitos, I remember it had folklore about a whale in it. Only Xenoblade I played is 1. It works as a crossover the way you did it, although as others have said, the piece was rather uneventful and would benefit from action and dialogue.

[Anacybele]

4 hours ago, Ottservia said:

Not a bad piece though the beginning kind of dragged a bit. I liked the information in the beginning though I feel it could've been delivered a much more digestible and less wordy manner. One thing I noticed was how passive the "voice" was in the beginning. Like there was a lot of "He felt this" or "He had that" which makes the sentence a little unnecessarily wordy and explicit. Not to say "to-be" verbs are entirely bad but you just gotta be careful on how you use them. I dunno the beginning just felt a little too telly and detached from the character. Cause if you wanted me to feel bad for the guy, I dunno I think you missed the mark by just a little bit. I dunno I think you could stand to be a little more subtle in regards to characterization and exposition. Then again considering how the story ends the more info dumpy beginning could be the point considering it seems like this story is from a more omniscient narrator based on the ending so I dunno. I did enjoy the second half though and the fight scene wasn't too bad but could've been broken up more but that's mostly a nitpick

Eh, I prefer my piece the way it is. I like some "wordiness" or however you put it. I'm not sure why other people don't and think a story is bad just because it has a bit more description than other stories might. It's a writing style, not bad writing. At least that's what I think.

More showing rather than telling is a fair point though, even though I'm always trying to show rather than tell, so, not sure what more I can do there.

Edited May 8, 2019 by Anacybele

[Ottservia]

1 hour ago, Anacybele said:

Eh, I prefer my piece the way it is. I like some "wordiness" or however you put it. I'm not sure why other people don't and think a story is bad just because it has a bit more description than other stories might. It's a writing style, not bad writing. At least that's what I think.

More showing rather than telling is a fair point though, even though I'm always trying to show rather than tell, so, not sure what more I can do there.

maybe wordiness wasn't the right way to describe it. "Disconnected" is probably more appropriate. What I mean is that I had an idea on how the character felt but I didn't truly understand how the character felt. I was never put in their shoes as it were if that makes any sense. Like for instance, I recommend avoiding the use of words like "felt" or "was" or at the very least be careful in how you use them because 9 times out of 10 there's a better way to describe something without using them. For example take the sentence:

"He felt like throwing up" 

A simple enough sentence that gets the point across but the use of the word "felt" kind of disengages me with the character in a sense. Outright saying a character "feels" something just kinda makes it feel like you're watching them from an outsider's view rather than directly in their head. A better way of writing the above sentence in y opinion would be:

"His stomach yanked at his throat as a mess of searing hot bile rocketed towards the surface" 

This sentence is in my opinion much more engaging and really puts you in the character's shoes . It gets across the same message but the latter sentence use strong word choice to engage the reader on a more sensory level if that makes sense. It invokes a feeling in both the reader and the character rather than just the character.

Edited May 8, 2019 by Ottservia

[Anacybele]

15 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

maybe wordiness wasn't the right way to describe it. "Disconnected" is probably more appropriate. What I mean is that I had an idea on how the character felt but I didn't truly understand how the character felt. I was never put in their shoes as it were if that makes any sense. Like for instance, I recommend avoiding the use of words like "felt" or "was" or at the very least be careful in how you use them because 9 times out of 10 there's a better way to describe something without using them. For example take the sentence:

"He felt like throwing up" 

A simple enough sentence that gets the point across but the use of the word "felt" kind of disengages me with the character in a sense. Outright saying a character "feels" something just kinda makes it feel like you're watching them from an outsider's view rather than directly in their head. A better way of writing the above sentence in y opinion would be:

"His stomach yanked at his throat as a mess of searing hot bile rocketed towards the surface" 

This sentence is in my opinion much more engaging and really puts you in the character's shoes . It gets across the same message but the latter sentence use strong word choice to engage the reader on a more sensory level if that makes sense. It invokes a feeling in both the reader and the character rather than just the character.

Okay, that seems more like the show-don't-tell thing. Fair enough. I understand.

[AnonymousSpeed]

 

Our tie has been broken, it seems. That sounds productive.

12 hours ago, Anacybele said:

I'm not into religion at all...That's saying something coming from someone with such a negative view on religion

Not what I would have guessed, actually.

On 5/7/2019 at 8:24 PM, DarthR0xas said:

as a Christian myself

I had a suspicion of this, however.

 

On 5/7/2019 at 8:54 PM, DarthR0xas said:

Yeah basically, as I said, my preference changes from "Yeah, he should talk" to "no, he shouldn't talk" and vice versa pretty often, so I get just picking the easier of the two.

Of course Link should talk- and he should talk like this:

 

***

Yo dudes it's time for reviews.

Introducing: Patch 1

@Anacybele

Spoiler

It's mostly a dumping of backstory, with a decent fight scene (though honestly I think it's held back a bit by having to represent a Fire Emblem battle, because being entirely honest Aether is absolutely ridiculous), but I think it's kinda neat backstory.The thing about Bryce being an uncle to Ike is something that would have confused me without any hope to understand intent had you not clarified at the end. I also remembered Jerec from a previous entry of yours, though, and it would be even more baffling if stories in the same universe didn't build on each other. Perhaps another line about that, regardless.

Good points for placing the actual boss convos and Aether healing in the story.

Now for some prose pcomments.

"One side of the battle was comprised of many soldiers clad in ebony armor...Some were like those from their opponents, but clad mainly in bright silvery armor."

• Now, I know there's a few sentences between these two, but they're close enough for the repeated structure to be kinda weird. I think "armor of silver" would be a better way to end the second one.

"You're a commander, but you do not look like you truly wish to fight this battle," the general said. "I can allow you to surrender now before you end up throwing your life away."

• Since Bryce is also a general, this is not the specific not-saying-Ike-word I would have used.

"grasping his severely bleeding wound."

• This feels a little too...clinical for the setting its said in. I'm not sure what the best set of adjectives for here is, but I'd consider "gushing wound" if not just "bleeding wound." Severely bleeding is too long and not visceral enough.

"was all Ike said in response as Bryce became too weak to stay upright any longer."

• "was all Ike said as Bryce" is all that's necessary

***

@Azure in a Roundabout

Spoiler

This is another story which deserves props for solid integration of the in-game content.

Very big fan of what this story does with Campari. He's someone I did not remember from Awakening at all, and this story took a small bit of information from a story and extrapolated into something very interesting. I like that it adds a lot to this overall very minor character, humanizing a stepping stone with only a few lines of dialogue. I think this is the sort of thing which draws a lot of us to the Fire Emblem franchise and its very well done.

I think the use of Chaim to set up Campari's battle quote is well done. Tharja's little scene at the end works nicely to set up her obsession as well, it feels like the sort of interaction a crazed woman might take as some kind of fateful knot.

I liked the use of both Tharja and Campari in the story. The multiple perspectives lend to the idea that these Plegians are distinct people with their own perspectives and relationships, with the events of Chapter 9 serving as the central post which the varied elements are tied to. I personally found the Campari's characterization sufficient. It doesn't need to be super in-depth to express the idea.

There were a few spelling errors which I will assume would have been smoothed out with a little more proofreading, though on a more prose-type level, I don't know if the following segment is necessary:

• "I have heard of warriors like that. Tharja remembered how Ylisse had priests and clerics alike wielding axes when they promote. They were also known to resist magic better than most, as is their nature. Even still, Tharja did not care. Her magic had the range advantage."

I don't know if it breaks flow, but it definitely doesn't need to be there, and so I would recommend cutting it. Furthermore, Tharja's thoughts are written in first person but aren't formatted any differently that the third person narration, which is a little sloppy. I do think simply italicizing them would be enough, no need to add any "she thought"s or anything.

***

@Dragoncat

Spoiler

I haven't played Breath of the Wild. Can't you all write some Link's Awakening fanfiction or something?

Too much ear twitching right at the start. It's repetitive, but not in a deliberate way. It just reads kinda weird.

I honestly don't have too much to say about this story, though-

Guess what ladies and gentlemen its prose time?

• The elder nodded slowly. "Where am I?" Link continued. (a line break here would be nice, a separate line for each character's actions, as in the following dialogue)
• Link's eyes were a couple of blue saucers. (I personally don't like the saucers imagery for bulging eyes, but if you must keep it, 'became' is preferable to 'were')
• This one had a large club with spikes. ("a large, spiked club")

***

Based at least on these three, the common interpretation of the prompt seems to be "portray an event from a different perspective," whereas I took it to mean  "portray a concept or institution more positively or negatively than normal or emphasize different aspects of it or whatever." That's kind of interesting to note. I know the former can lend itself to the latter, and I think it really does in Azure's story, but they're still separate approaches.

***

I have read Otts story already, but I'm going to hold off on a formal review until I have the chance to also go over all the discourse the posting of it spawned. I will go ahead and say that I appreciate the boldness of it.

***

I do intend to engage with those who have commented on my story, I love to hear myself talk and especially to talk about things pertaining to me, but I'm gonna hold off on that until voting is over or until I've posted all my reviews, so as to minimize impact on the votes.

[Dragoncat]

6 hours ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

Of course Link should talk- and he should talk like this:

WELL EXCUUUUSSSEE ME PRINCESS lol omg.

6 hours ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

Too much ear twitching right at the start. It's repetitive, but not in a deliberate way. It just reads kinda weird.

I can see how it would look weird, if you're not used to the idea of hylian ears being able to move. I know the Awkward Zombie webcomic is by no means canon but pay attention to Link's ears in it sometime, they move. They move like cat ears. There's kind of some canon evidence as well, apparently Zelda's ears move a bit in memory scenes but I have not personally seen it.

Quote

The elder nodded slowly. "Where am I?" Link continued. (a line break here would be nice, a separate line for each character's actions, as in the following dialogue)
Link's eyes were a couple of blue saucers. (I personally don't like the saucers imagery for bulging eyes, but if you must keep it, 'became' is preferable to 'were')
This one had a large club with spikes. ("a large, spiked club")

Fair grammar points.

[Interdimensional Observer]

On 5/8/2019 at 1:52 PM, Dragoncat said:

I played a bit of the first Baiten Kaitos, I remember it had folklore about a whale in it. Only Xenoblade I played is 1. It works as a crossover the way you did it, although as others have said, the piece was rather uneventful and would benefit from action and dialogue.

I didn't actually use that crossover idea here, that I chose to keep in reserves for later. The plans for my Sagi-Minoth interaction were never fleshed out, and upon second thoughts the duo might not work as well as I hoped.

What I wrote is purely Xenoblade Chronicles X, the Wii U game that has nothing to do with it. It shares nothing with Xenoblade Chronicles 1, barring the Nopon, and well, this little throwback. (Don't look if you would want to play XCX, it isn't major spoilers at all, but it'll loose some luster if you see it now and then again later.):

Spoiler

The lone Endbringer, the Ruler of Fates, the guardian of Mira and culler of the unclean. Telethia.

 

On 5/7/2019 at 8:24 PM, DarthR0xas said:

Sorry mate, I would read yours but since it's got spoilers, and I've just picked up XCX, I'm going to have to abstain for now.

Hope you enjoy it! The game is not beyond criticism for just about everything about it, barring Mira itself and side quest quality. Yet nonetheless, for whatever faults I see with the game, and some certainly have reasonable grounds, I like it. And I do hope there is an XCX2 sometime in the future which corrects the flaws of the first and continues to expand on its good points.

If you want/need any tips, I'm willing to offer what I know.

 

 

 

I'm not sure what I can really add insofar as criticisms go, I'm not so used to doing it (I better though if I'm to spend any period of years doing teaching before having the experience to move onto something else). Nor am I particularly literate when it comes to literary style. But I'll try to offer a few comments.

@AnonymousSpeed

It works well enough on its own, I'm not religious, but nor am I against it. Yet by itself it didn't amount to much for the topic theme to me. I don't mind the seeming background fusion of modernity or future modernity with religion, since I recall reading a sci-fi novel once set during Christmas in a world like the present but with time-traveling historians. The book mentioned Christians singing a song "He Who Interfaces with the World", which sounded odd, but nonetheless it did make ultimately sense to me- appealing to modern ways and things to make religion more appealing is perfectly reasonable.

@Anacybele

Making Ike and Bryce related is something you'd think would be brought up ingame for their briefest moment, since that'd be a family relation worth cherishing on Bryce's part. I'm not sure Ashnard would intentionally mock Bryce with his son's death. Ashnard would indeed interpret his death as a sign he was weak and worthless, but given the Ashnard-Jill boss convo where he doesn't recall the name Shiharam at all (I don't think it was intentional mockery), I'm not sure if Ashnard would even remember who Bryce's son is.

As for the direction you took Bryce, Tauroneo resigned himself to loveless service to Daein to overcome the loneliness and familial issues caused by his divorce and loss of child custody. So we already have one Steadfast Rider thrown into sorrows, another could certainly do so. Alcoholism isn't wholly unlikely, Greil is stated in the Recollection to be fond of drinking, and Tauroneo too shows a like for drink in his Largo support, Bryce certainly would have been around plenty of good booze as a high end general with dearest drinking comrades, even if he was the sober one of the group, he would've had access to a lot of liquor if he so felt compelled to have a pint or ten.

@Dragoncat 

I'm going to abstain from yours for now. Sorry.

I've cleared Breath of the Wild, but I want to a second playthrough where I actually talk to Impa and complete the Divine Beasts as opposed to intentionally avoiding them the entire time (I also avoided paying attention to anything related to Zelda and Rhoam- including the ending sequence). Your stuff may influence that to a degree. I would have finished that by now, but I discovered some issue where screenshots won't save if I take them on my second Switch player profile, which I'm using so I don't have to delete my first run. I need the ability to save photos, since some side quests require them.

@Ottservia

Depressing but emotive, and you certainly put your heart into it. Again, I'll offer my sympathies inasmuch as I sincerely can. I've jotted down some of my own melancholy thoughts from time to time, but nothing as a story.

@Azure in a Roundabout

Tharja is a little weird. I never cared for her, but I always got her incidentally to A Robin, owing to her making good pair up fodder for a magic Robin, which is certainly better than physical. I remember the one Henry support in question, it was a bit hard to take it seriously, though it's nice to see someone flesh it out more. Likewise, an effort into Tharja's start of obsession is well and good since Chrom recruits her and nothing is ever said of the two outside of supports. So it was a nice read on that front.

@TheSilentChloey

Not a huge fan of Grima, nor FEH in practice (the idea I like though), but I can't say this piece is bad, it isn't. (Nor that I've done my own slight bit of Grima fanficting.) I do ultimately look at the monstrosity with cold pity, so I can understand another trying to with warmer sympathy.

@Jotari

I used to dislike the pairing, then accepted the evidence in its favor when presented to me. Marriage as an extension of a different yet mutual relationship by certain means is fine for me. I would add though that Japanese RD seems to suggest Micaiah likes Sothe in bellyshirts.:

Micaiah:
“It really suits you. This costume.”

Sothe:
“Are you sure…?”

Micaiah:
“Mmm-hmm.”

This is just after Sothe promotes to Whisper. He went from wearing an old shirt now too small but he couldn't afford another, to a brand new shirt that must intentionally be too short to cover his navel. Micaiah does consider Sothe's promoter to be her "sister", so it's possible she could read her little sis's heart and knew what she was into.

[Anacybele]

49 minutes ago, Interdimensional Observer said:

Making Ike and Bryce related is something you'd think would be brought up ingame for their briefest moment, since that'd be a family relation worth cherishing on Bryce's part. I'm not sure Ashnard would intentionally mock Bryce with his son's death. Ashnard would indeed interpret his death as a sign he was weak and worthless, but given the Ashnard-Jill boss convo where he doesn't recall the name Shiharam at all (I don't think it was intentional mockery), I'm not sure if Ashnard would even remember who Bryce's son is.

Yeah, you would think, but I guess I should have mentioned that just as Greil kept secrets, Bryce did as well, for similar reasons, even. Both generals wanted to protect their children from potential scandals and danger due to how Greil and Elena ran off with the medallion and such (Bryce doesn't have to know they had the medallion, he just knew they fled). As for Ashnard not remembering Shiharam, I always attributed that to the latter actually having come from Begnion along with Haar and it doesn't seem like it was all that long ago that the two left for Daein. It's reasonable for Ashnard to not have known all that. Bryce and Jerec were in Daein their whole lives. Not to mention Shiharam has no connection to the Riders, whereas Jerec does.

49 minutes ago, Interdimensional Observer said:

As for the direction you took Bryce, Tauroneo resigned himself to loveless service to Daein to overcome the loneliness and familial issues caused by his divorce and loss of child custody. So we already have one Steadfast Rider thrown into sorrows, another could certainly do so. Alcoholism isn't wholly unlikely, Greil is stated in the Recollection to be fond of drinking, and Tauroneo too shows a like for drink in his Largo support, Bryce certainly would have been around plenty of good booze as a high end general with dearest drinking comrades, even if he was the sober one of the group, he would've had access to a lot of liquor if he so felt compelled to have a pint or ten.

Yeah, that's all definitely true, though the difference between Tauroneo and my portrayal of Bryce is that the former's wife and kids are still alive. Bryce lost his wife and thinks he's lost his son. As far as he knows, he only has an out-of-wedlock daughter. And yeah, the idea that Bryce drinks sometimes came from that tidbit about Greil from the PoR artbook. I actually didn't know Tauroneo did so and he's pretty honorable. :P

@AnonymousSpeed Thanks for the critique, I do like what you've suggested! And glad you liked the backstory. ^^

Edited May 9, 2019 by Anacybele

[Interdimensional Observer]

42 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

I actually didn't know Tauroneo did so and he's pretty honorable. :P

 

The relevant lines:

Largo: This quill? Oh, I use it to jot down ideas so I won’t forget them later. If I don’t, I just completely forget them! But back to food… I’ve noticed that the laguz sure like their food spicy! And now they’ve started drinking with us! Bwaa ha ha! That’s great! By the way, what’s your drink of choice?
Tauroneo: Drinks? I’m not picky. The stronger the better!
Largo: And flavor?
Tauroneo: Doesn’t matter.
Largo: Bwaaaa ha ha haaaa!! I like your answer! I better write that down so I don’t forget.

[Troykv]

1 hour ago, Interdimensional Observer said:

I used to dislike the pairing, then accepted the evidence in its favor when presented to me. Marriage as an extension of a different yet mutual relationship by certain means is fine for me. I would add though that Japanese RD seems to suggest Micaiah likes Sothe in bellyshirts.:

Micaiah:
“It really suits you. This costume.”

Sothe:
“Are you sure…?”

Micaiah:
“Mmm-hmm.”

This is just after Sothe promotes to Whisper. He went from wearing an old shirt now too small but he couldn't afford another, to a brand new shirt that must intentionally be too short to cover his navel. Micaiah does consider Sothe's promoter to be her "sister", so it's possible she could read her little sis's heart and knew what she was into.

Micaiah it's more lewd than expected

Brand new shirt, still midriff :P

[Anacybele]

26 minutes ago, Interdimensional Observer said:

The relevant lines:

Largo: This quill? Oh, I use it to jot down ideas so I won’t forget them later. If I don’t, I just completely forget them! But back to food… I’ve noticed that the laguz sure like their food spicy! And now they’ve started drinking with us! Bwaa ha ha! That’s great! By the way, what’s your drink of choice?
Tauroneo: Drinks? I’m not picky. The stronger the better!
Largo: And flavor?
Tauroneo: Doesn’t matter.
Largo: Bwaaaa ha ha haaaa!! I like your answer! I better write that down so I don’t forget.

Now I'm picturing what a drunk laguz would be like. XD But interesting! Laguz liking spicy food might explain why Ike loves it himself, since he spent part of his life in Gallia. He may not remember Gallia itself because of Sephiran, but his taste buds might not forget the spicy food.

 

[Jotari]

7 hours ago, Interdimensional Observer said:

I didn't actually use that crossover idea here, that I chose to keep in reserves for later. The plans for my Sagi-Minoth interaction were never fleshed out, and upon second thoughts the duo might not work as well as I hoped.

What I wrote is purely Xenoblade Chronicles X, the Wii U game that has nothing to do with it. It shares nothing with Xenoblade Chronicles 1, barring the Nopon, and well, this little throwback. (Don't look if you would want to play XCX, it isn't major spoilers at all, but it'll loose some luster if you see it now and then again later.):

  Reveal hidden contents

The lone Endbringer, the Ruler of Fates, the guardian of Mira and culler of the unclean. Telethia.

 

Hope you enjoy it! The game is not beyond criticism for just about everything about it, barring Mira itself and side quest quality. Yet nonetheless, for whatever faults I see with the game, and some certainly have reasonable grounds, I like it. And I do hope there is an XCX2 sometime in the future which corrects the flaws of the first and continues to expand on its good points.

If you want/need any tips, I'm willing to offer what I know.

 

 

 

I'm not sure what I can really add insofar as criticisms go, I'm not so used to doing it (I better though if I'm to spend any period of years doing teaching before having the experience to move onto something else). Nor am I particularly literate when it comes to literary style. But I'll try to offer a few comments.

@AnonymousSpeed

It works well enough on its own, I'm not religious, but nor am I against it. Yet by itself it didn't amount to much for the topic theme to me. I don't mind the seeming background fusion of modernity or future modernity with religion, since I recall reading a sci-fi novel once set during Christmas in a world like the present but with time-traveling historians. The book mentioned Christians singing a song "He Who Interfaces with the World", which sounded odd, but nonetheless it did make ultimately sense to me- appealing to modern ways and things to make religion more appealing is perfectly reasonable.

@Anacybele

Making Ike and Bryce related is something you'd think would be brought up ingame for their briefest moment, since that'd be a family relation worth cherishing on Bryce's part. I'm not sure Ashnard would intentionally mock Bryce with his son's death. Ashnard would indeed interpret his death as a sign he was weak and worthless, but given the Ashnard-Jill boss convo where he doesn't recall the name Shiharam at all (I don't think it was intentional mockery), I'm not sure if Ashnard would even remember who Bryce's son is.

As for the direction you took Bryce, Tauroneo resigned himself to loveless service to Daein to overcome the loneliness and familial issues caused by his divorce and loss of child custody. So we already have one Steadfast Rider thrown into sorrows, another could certainly do so. Alcoholism isn't wholly unlikely, Greil is stated in the Recollection to be fond of drinking, and Tauroneo too shows a like for drink in his Largo support, Bryce certainly would have been around plenty of good booze as a high end general with dearest drinking comrades, even if he was the sober one of the group, he would've had access to a lot of liquor if he so felt compelled to have a pint or ten.

@Dragoncat 

I'm going to abstain from yours for now. Sorry.

I've cleared Breath of the Wild, but I want to a second playthrough where I actually talk to Impa and complete the Divine Beasts as opposed to intentionally avoiding them the entire time (I also avoided paying attention to anything related to Zelda and Rhoam- including the ending sequence). Your stuff may influence that to a degree. I would have finished that by now, but I discovered some issue where screenshots won't save if I take them on my second Switch player profile, which I'm using so I don't have to delete my first run. I need the ability to save photos, since some side quests require them.

@Ottservia

Depressing but emotive, and you certainly put your heart into it. Again, I'll offer my sympathies inasmuch as I sincerely can. I've jotted down some of my own melancholy thoughts from time to time, but nothing as a story.

@Azure in a Roundabout

Tharja is a little weird. I never cared for her, but I always got her incidentally to A Robin, owing to her making good pair up fodder for a magic Robin, which is certainly better than physical. I remember the one Henry support in question, it was a bit hard to take it seriously, though it's nice to see someone flesh it out more. Likewise, an effort into Tharja's start of obsession is well and good since Chrom recruits her and nothing is ever said of the two outside of supports. So it was a nice read on that front.

@TheSilentChloey

Not a huge fan of Grima, nor FEH in practice (the idea I like though), but I can't say this piece is bad, it isn't. (Nor that I've done my own slight bit of Grima fanficting.) I do ultimately look at the monstrosity with cold pity, so I can understand another trying to with warmer sympathy.

@Jotari

I used to dislike the pairing, then accepted the evidence in its favor when presented to me. Marriage as an extension of a different yet mutual relationship by certain means is fine for me. I would add though that Japanese RD seems to suggest Micaiah likes Sothe in bellyshirts.:

Micaiah:
“It really suits you. This costume.”

Sothe:
“Are you sure…?”

Micaiah:
“Mmm-hmm.”

This is just after Sothe promotes to Whisper. He went from wearing an old shirt now too small but he couldn't afford another, to a brand new shirt that must intentionally be too short to cover his navel. Micaiah does consider Sothe's promoter to be her "sister", so it's possible she could read her little sis's heart and knew what she was into.

Sothe does rock the belly shirt pretty well though. I think that's like objective fact.

[AnonymousSpeed]

You guys know you can delete stuff from the post you're quoting, right?

@Jotari

Spoiler

"He’d grown so much big"

Shakespearean.

I don't really like this pairing or honestly get what you're going for here,  but it's basically all dialogue, which is cool, I guess.

Like, I get that it's supposed to be a non-romantic sort of relationship, but that's just the thing in it. It's there, not gone for.

@TheSilentChloey

Spoiler

On a totally un-related to writing note I wanted to point out that I use the night theme, so black text is a beautiful experience to read.

It was well paced. Perhaps that's on account of its short length, but it moved along quite briskly.

Forgive me if this has been asked before, but...why the Grima fixation?

His rhymes probably aren't even grimy.

 

[TheSilentChloey]

7 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

You guys know you can delete stuff from the post you're quoting, right?

@Jotari

  Reveal hidden contents

"He’d grown so much big"

Shakespearean.

I don't really like this pairing or honestly get what you're going for here,  but it's basically all dialogue, which is cool, I guess.

Like, I get that it's supposed to be a non-romantic sort of relationship, but that's just the thing in it. It's there, not gone for.

@TheSilentChloey

  Hide contents

On a totally un-related to writing note I wanted to point out that I use the night theme, so black text is a beautiful experience to read.

It was well paced. Perhaps that's on account of its short length, but it moved along quite briskly.

Forgive me if this has been asked before, but...why the Grima fixation?

His rhymes probably aren't even grimy.

 

XD

Oh let's just say SOV backstory and a decent splash of fanfiction coupled with the fact that his art and voice are...well I'd say so hot the sun doesn't even seem to be even close and...

I tend to like the tragic villain/anti hero more than the actual hero in some cases XD

 

Plus he's just inspiring a good lot of fics...

[Ottservia]

9 hours ago, TheSilentChloey said:

I tend to like the tragic villain/anti hero more than the actual hero in some cases XD

Grima isn't really much of a tragic villain though. A tragic Villain is more along the lines of say, Berkut, a fallen hero except their fall happened before the story began. Grima was never a hero. He was never a character. He's more a force of nature type villain if nothing else. His backstory in SoV only really confirms that fact. I don't find him to be sympathetic or tragic cause to interpret him in that light would be missing the point of him a little I feel. He's supposed to be a physical manifestation of the despair of failure. Well despair in general really. He's supposed to be this insurmountable obstacle that pushes our heroes passed the point of despair so we can watch them fight on against what looks to be completely hopeless odds. At least that's how I interpret him.

9 hours ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Oh let's just say SOV backstory and a decent splash of fanfiction coupled with the fact that his art and voice are...well I'd say so hot the sun doesn't even seem to be even close and...

agreed on that front. Seriously David Vincent man. It should be crime for a man's voice to be that attractive

Edited May 10, 2019 by Ottservia

[AnonymousSpeed]

7 hours ago, Ottservia said:

He was never a character. He's more a force of nature type villain if nothing else.

Handing out roasts like a mob boss on Christmas.

 

7 hours ago, Ottservia said:

agreed on that front. Seriously David Vincent man. It should be crime for a man's voice to be that attractive

How dare you seek to outlaw my dreams.

I leave you in the snow like a mob boss on Christmas.

Edited May 10, 2019 by AnonymousSpeed

[TheSilentChloey]

8 hours ago, Ottservia said:

Grima isn't really much of a tragic villain though. A tragic Villain is more along the lines of say, Berkut, a fallen hero except their fall happened before the story began. Grima was never a hero. He was never a character. He's more a force of nature type villain if nothing else. His backstory in SoV only really confirms that fact. I don't find him to be sympathetic or tragic cause to interpret him in that light would be missing the point of him a little I feel. He's supposed to be a physical manifestation of the despair of failure. Well despair in general really. He's supposed to be this insurmountable obstacle that pushes our heroes passed the point of despair so we can watch them fight on against what looks to be completely hopeless odds. At least that's how I interpret him.

agreed on that front. Seriously David Vincent man. It should be crime for a man's voice to be that attractive

Yeah but I don't see Grima as an FOV villain, so...

 

I'd say agree to disagree on that point.

 

And FRICK yes.  Robin's VA man...just...too...hot!  Even M!Robin sounds awesome!  I could seriously enjoy that!

33 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

Handing out roasts like a mob boss on Christmas.

 

How dare you seek to outlaw my dreams.

I leave you in the snow like a mob boss on Christmas.

*laughed way too hard on that*

[Jotari]

23 hours ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

You guys know you can delete stuff from the post you're quoting, right?

@Jotari

  Hide contents

"He’d grown so much big"

Shakespearean.

I don't really like this pairing or honestly get what you're going for here,  but it's basically all dialogue, which is cool, I guess.

Like, I get that it's supposed to be a non-romantic sort of relationship, but that's just the thing in it. It's there, not gone for.

@TheSilentChloey

  Reveal hidden contents

On a totally un-related to writing note I wanted to point out that I use the night theme, so black text is a beautiful experience to read.

It was well paced. Perhaps that's on account of its short length, but it moved along quite briskly.

Forgive me if this has been asked before, but...why the Grima fixation?

His rhymes probably aren't even grimy.

 

I know but I'm on mobile which severely imbalances the cost Vs worth ratio of doing so.

[Ottservia]

More feedback though it is a bit late:

@Azure in a Roundabout

Spoiler

Not a bad piece at all. I enjoyed it. It was an interesting take on chapter 9 of awakening and interesting look into tharja's character. Not much else to say really except that I liked enjoyed reading it. 

@Dragoncat

Spoiler

How to describe my thoughts on this piece? It's an interesting idea to be sure though I don't think it landed all too well in it's execution. Let's see how do I explain my issues with this piece. It feels hollow if I were to describe it. Like it lacks description and true perspective. The feelings of the characters aren't being communicated properly and it's a little hard to follow cause It's kind of confusing as whose PoV each scene takes place in. I feel the piece would be a lot better if you really dug into the characters' heads a bit better and showcased more of their thoughts and emotions through directly showing us their thoughts, their body language, or how they describe things. You could've better in conveying the characters' voice as it were. I dunno if what I'm saying makes any sense.

@TheSilentChloey

Spoiler

A great piece that I really enjoyed. You really are good at conveying character voice. Like it really did read like Grima himself was telling me this. I really enjoyed how you explained the mechanics in a somewhat realistic(?) manner. The little headpat scene at the end was hilarious and adorable. I loved it. Grima is interesting villain I tend to find. One favorite villains no doubt.

@Jotari

Spoiler

An enjoyable piece but I'm not quite sure what exactly you were going for here. Cause it seems to be a fairly typical way of depicting romance though maybe just not as romanticized as it usually is. I think I just answered my own question. Nevermind then. Still though I am slightly confused. The piece itself is still pretty good

Will give feedback to IO later cause I'm a little tired atm but overall it's kind of hard to figure out who to vote for this time around.

[Anacybele]

@Ottservia I think you forgot my piece? I've looked through the last several pages of the thread, I can't find a post where you reviewed my entry. Just pointing out. If you don't want to critique it, though, that's your choice. Can't make you do it. :P

Well, it's safe to say that Tharja piece won, so Azure better start thinking of a prompt soon. ;)

Edited May 12, 2019 by Anacybele