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SF's "Write Your Butt Off" Competition HD II.5 Remix

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I just realised that I pulled a certain, infamous moment from The Crazy Summoner where fictionally at least my left arm gets broken a second time.

 

Coincidentally it's also where Grima’s character arc starts and we're about mid way through said arc when Cavalrom gets summoned.

Edited by TheSilentChloey

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23 hours ago, SoulWeaver said:

Well dang, Otts. Not sure it's even worth finishing mine now.

really? Well I didn't think mine was all that great though. oh well, thanks all the same. Btw if it helps anyone, I was aiming for feeling similar to this with my piece:

Spoiler

Still one of my favorite fight scenes just ever. It's just so good

Or at least, I tried to structure it in a similar way

Edited by Ottservia

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59 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

really? Well I didn't think mine was all that great though. oh well, thanks all the same. Btw if it helps anyone, I was aiming for feeling similar to this with my piece:

  Hide contents

Still one of my favorite fight scenes just ever. It's just so good

Or at least, I tried to structure it in a similar way

Wow, I didn't know Kakashi ever uncovered both his eyes. Cooool. I wasn't ever a HUGE fan of Naruto, but from what little I did watch, I thought Kakashi was cool.

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1 minute ago, Anacybele said:

Wow, I didn't know Kakashi ever uncovered both his eyes. Cooool. I wasn't ever a HUGE fan of Naruto, but from what little I did watch, I thought Kakashi was cool.

Yeah shit gets real way later down in the series. In that scene, he's actually fighting the guy he got his sharingan from. It's complicated but it's good shit. Naruto is by far my favorite show of all time and that fight right there is the second best fight in the series bar none. The animation, choreography, music, editing, directing, everything is just so well executed. Naruto as series has a such a huge impact on me both as a person and as a writer. Though I'm not sure if the influence is all that clear or not in my writing.

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40 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

Yeah shit gets real way later down in the series. In that scene, he's actually fighting the guy he got his sharingan from. It's complicated but it's good shit. Naruto is by far my favorite show of all time and that fight right there is the second best fight in the series bar none. The animation, choreography, music, editing, directing, everything is just so well executed. Naruto as series has a such a huge impact on me both as a person and as a writer. Though I'm not sure if the influence is all that clear or not in my writing.

Yeah, I kinda gathered something like that was going to occur from what I saw. Shit getting real, that is. But no, I can kinda see the influence you got!

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On 1/1/2020 at 3:16 AM, SoulWeaver said:

Also I'm starting to wonder where you keep finding all these videos you post on here.

I have eclectic and continually evolving taste, but I try not to forget things.

Also I was planning to respond to this post like 11-12 days ago but I just didn't so, uh...sorry?

On 1/1/2020 at 3:16 AM, SoulWeaver said:

God has a body of flesh and bone

I don't necessarily follow this particular point.

That was all I had to say, actually. Didn't really merit the wait, did it?

On 1/10/2020 at 11:17 PM, SoulWeaver said:

 Hopefully at least someone here knows the franchise, I'm hoping Anon recognizes this since he's a Megaman guy.

It's a bit funny, actually. Mighty Gunvolt Burst is the beginning and end of my familiarity with Azure Striker Gunvolt- I have Mega Man fan friends who've played it, but I always found the aesthetic too off-putting.

***

Ended up not finishing my little story, if I feel so compelled I may write it and put it up anyway. A few minutes left and I'll put the poll up.

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I had an idea but I never got around to it! My idea was Bernadetta reuniting with her commoner friend mentioned in her Dorothea support. I've had major writers block lately, on top of that, rl stuff comes up, so good luck to all entrants.

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I'll do critique now while I have time. My new semester starts today, so I'm gonna get busier soon.

@OrcaWolf The plot is alright, and I like Hinoka, so that's nice to see. But this felt kinda stiff and clunky and there's some grammatical errors too. And the stuff at the end that says they learned this and learned that is pretty unnecessary and is too much telling rather than showing. We should be able to infer what the characters learned from the story itself. It's not needed at all to reiterate it at the end.

@TheSilentChloey I like the plot here, but this was also kind of hard to read and follow. And other than the plot itself, this one wasn't really my cup of tea, sorry to say.

@Ottservia I enjoyed this one! It really brought out the relationship between Corrin and Xander and their feelings about their choices. Nice job! Elise's death also gets me every time. 😞

@SoulWeaver I don't really understand much of what is actually going on here, but it seemed cool nonetheless! It feels like it isn't finished though. The end is too abrupt.

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2 hours ago, Anacybele said:

I'll do critique now while I have time. My new semester starts today, so I'm gonna get busier soon.

@OrcaWolf The plot is alright, and I like Hinoka, so that's nice to see. But this felt kinda stiff and clunky and there's some grammatical errors too. And the stuff at the end that says they learned this and learned that is pretty unnecessary and is too much telling rather than showing. We should be able to infer what the characters learned from the story itself. It's not needed at all to reiterate it at the end.

@TheSilentChloey I like the plot here, but this was also kind of hard to read and follow. And other than the plot itself, this one wasn't really my cup of tea, sorry to say.

@Ottservia I enjoyed this one! It really brought out the relationship between Corrin and Xander and their feelings about their choices. Nice job! Elise's death also gets me every time. 😞

@SoulWeaver I don't really understand much of what is actually going on here, but it seemed cool nonetheless! It feels like it isn't finished though. The end is too abrupt.

The problem I ran into is that the next part of the sequence is super spoiler territory for GV1 - a character the player thought was dead suddenly reappears and is super important to the plot - so the gamer in me made me call it there. If everyone here had played both GV games I would have absolutely continued it a little further, but my inner gamer really doesn’t like spoiling stuff. 

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1 hour ago, SoulWeaver said:

The problem I ran into is that the next part of the sequence is super spoiler territory for GV1 - a character the player thought was dead suddenly reappears and is super important to the plot - so the gamer in me made me call it there. If everyone here had played both GV games I would have absolutely continued it a little further, but my inner gamer really doesn’t like spoiling stuff. 

Ah, I see. That's understandable then. I don't even know what GV is, so I would've been spoiled. lol

Edited by Anacybele

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Alright so I've read a couple and I'm gonna give out some feedback:

@SoulWeaver

I think Ana summed up my thoughts on this one best. It's really cool and I liked it but it just felt a little too short and abrupt. And that's really all I have to say about it.

@TheSilentChloey 

This one had me very confused as I read it. I couldn't really figure out what the core focus of this story was exactly? Was it on the relationship between the summoner and Grima? or was the central focus between Chrom and Grima? It just kinda felt like you wanted to tell like two or three different stories at once here and couldn't decide which one was more important so you just kinda haphazardly squished them together without any real sense of flow. It just feels like the core ideas of this story don't connect with the plot at large if that makes sense. Cause I kinda like some of the ideas you were trying to go for here like how Grima would react upon seeing Thabes after so many years away from it or the idea of Chrom still trying to reach Robin through Grima. I like the ideas on their own but together in this story just makes the narrative lack focus if you ask me. If you had just picked one idea and ran with it, I think it would've been a lot better.

That's all for now, I'll get to the rest when I have time.

Edited by Ottservia

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Hey, I got a vote again this time! Pleasant to see. 🙂

Looks like Ottservia's going to take this one though, and I'd say deservingly so.

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So I found some time to read through the rest of the entries and my thoughts?

@Anacybele

I quite enjoyed this one a lot. I liked the subtle character interactions between Judo and Ryo. Right off the bat, you could tell there was bad blood between them based on how they patronized each other like they did. The talk they had was nice and wholesome about mending a friendship that broke over something petty and selfish on Ryo's end and I like how he comes to realize that at the end. It's just a really touching story. My one complaint is that the dialogue can be a tad blunt and expository at times but otherwise it's fine. 

@OrcaWolf

This reads like a first draft at least that's what it feels like. The ideas are there but it feels a little sloppy and rough in execution. Like for example, the first fight scene lacked a lot uh...how do I put this? Dynamism? it lacked sufficient imagery and weight I suppose. Like there was a lot of "this happened and then this happened but then this happened" and not a lot of details to make me really care about what was happening. I guess what I'm trying to say here is get into the character's headspace a bit better. It all happened really quick too. The flow and pace of that first scene was really choppy. The rest of the story was definitely better and I did enjoy the little heart to heart that Takumi had with Hinoka. It was sweet but I'm also gonna echo the redundancy criticisms. Also you could stand to punctuate some of your dialogue a little better with character actions or thoughts y'know to better showcase their emotional state through their body language or whatever. Like have Hinoka recoil in shock or have Takumi cross his arms or things like that. Subtle action cues like that can go a long way in conveying a character's thoughts and emotions. Speaking of emotions, try to be more descriptive with them. Again small descriptors like her heart sunk or her stomach squeezed itself. Things like that can really help convey the emotions you want effectively. I guess ana really did sum it up best. Try to do more show not tell. And that's really all I have to say about it. I really did enjoy the interaction between Takumi and Hinoka though. It was really heartwarming. 

22 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

Looks like Ottservia's going to take this one though, and I'd say deservingly so.

While I appreciate the compliment, we still have the rest of the week left so I wouldn't count the eggs before they hatch.

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Just now, Ottservia said:

I quite enjoyed this one a lot. I liked the subtle character interactions between Judo and Ryo. Right off the bat, you could tell there was bad blood between them based on how they patronized each other like they did. The talk they had was nice and wholesome about mending a friendship that broke over something petty and selfish on Ryo's end and I like how he comes to realize that at the end. It's just a really touching story. My one complaint is that the dialogue can be a tad blunt and expository at times but otherwise it's fine. 

Yup, exactly why I decided to bring Ryo back from my "writing graveyard" and all! I was trying to convey exactly what you pointed out, that bad blood and all, as well as what I'd said about deepening Judo's history. I'm glad I pulled off what I intended!

And you're right about the exposition remark, I was thinking the same. Like, I should've added in that Judo's biggest goal along with becoming a strong knight was to find out what happened to his father, even though I did imply it a bit when Judo said "desperately wanting to know what happened to him." And that he worried about his mother because all that time, she was also in pain and he felt powerless to help her. He wanted to someday change that and at least get them closure on his father's case. If he was dead, he deserved a proper burial. And so on. That definitely should've been there. xP My oopsie.

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1 hour ago, Ottservia said:

Alright so I've read a couple and I'm gonna give out some feedback:

@SoulWeaver

I think Ana summed up my thoughts on this one best. It's really cool and I liked it but it just felt a little too short and abrupt. And that's really all I have to say about it.

@TheSilentChloey 

This one had me very confused as I read it. I couldn't really figure out what the core focus of this story was exactly? Was it on the relationship between the summoner and Grima? or was the central focus between Chrom and Grima? It just kinda felt like you wanted to tell like two or three different stories at once here and couldn't decide which one was more important so you just kinda haphazardly squished them together without any real sense of flow. It just feels like the core ideas of this story don't connect with the plot at large if that makes sense. Cause I kinda like some of the ideas you were trying to go for here like how Grima would react upon seeing Thabes after so many years away from it or the idea of Chrom still trying to reach Robin through Grima. I like the ideas on their own but together in this story just makes the narrative lack focus if you ask me. If you had just picked one idea and ran with it, I think it would've been a lot better.

That's all for now, I'll get to the rest when I have time.

It was to juxtapose Chrom and Grima's relationship with Grima and the Summoner's relationship.  Clearly I didn't make that clear enough.

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Didn't finish in time, and I don't think I'll post it, since my entry insulted my intelligence, and I have an IQ of three. Can't wait until next prompt to get back to writing!

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2 hours ago, TheSilentChloey said:

It was to juxtapose Chrom and Grima's relationship with Grima and the Summoner's relationship.  Clearly I didn't make that clear enough.

Well if that was the case then maybe go into a little more detail on it. You went into plenty of detail regarding the relationship between the summoner and Grima but Chrom and Grima's relationship didn't get quite the same treatment. I feel you could've made it more clear what the difference was(which I think was about how the summoner liked Grima as Grima and see him as separate from Robin while Chrom is the inverse? Correct me if I'm wrong though) and really tried to emphasize it more.

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24 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

Well if that was the case then maybe go into a little more detail on it. You went into plenty of detail regarding the relationship between the summoner and Grima but Chrom and Grima's relationship didn't get quite the same treatment. I feel you could've made it more clear what the difference was(which I think was about how the summoner liked Grima as Grima and see him as separate from Robin while Chrom is the inverse? Correct me if I'm wrong though) and really tried to emphasize it more.

That was the whole first section of the story, where Chrom (not quite Cavalrom) insists that Grima is Robin.

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Just now, TheSilentChloey said:

That was the whole first section of the story, where Chrom (not quite Cavalrom) insists that Grima is Robin.

Yeah I got that but I dunno I just felt Chrom didn't push it as much as he could've. Maybe I missed something or I'm just too used to anime scenes where characters will literally die trying to snap their friends out of their supposed mind control but the idea didn't quite land with me. *shrug* maybe my critique is off base though. I've been wrong before.

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6 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

Yeah I got that but I dunno I just felt Chrom didn't push it as much as he could've. Maybe I missed something or I'm just too used to anime scenes where characters will literally die trying to snap their friends out of their supposed mind control but the idea didn't quite land with me. *shrug* maybe my critique is off base though. I've been wrong before.

I did want it to be more subtle, so it didn't feel hamfisted like most anime do, so maybe that is partially a thing.

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The trick that I ran into, Chloey, was the fact that there were two Chroms involved. You make a point of having Grimmy emphasize the difference between himself and other Robins, or even himself and Gimurei, another Grima, but from what we see both Chroms seem exactly the same except one's on a horse and somehow is Grimmy's Chrom...maybe? Not certain if you were simply showcasing Robin's unique position as an Avatar character - different Robins would of course reflect different players, something I've considered writing about given how all the Robins are somehow exactly the same in FEH despite Robin being a character who should appear very different from one to the next - or if Grimmy actually is Cavalrom's Robin. The two Morgans also felt a little off - only someone who's read your previous work would know about your Summoner-Grima pairing, so Morgan being the Summoner's son is a small wait-what moment. It also throws me personally because I would think the Morgan who goes with Grima and the Summoner would be female to keep with the Robin-Morgan lineup within Awakening's canon.
This being said, I did enjoy your piece, though I didn't quite catch the point you were going for - I assumed it was solely about Grima and Chrom's relationship as they seemed to know each other.

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3 hours ago, SoulWeaver said:

The trick that I ran into, Chloey, was the fact that there were two Chroms involved. You make a point of having Grimmy emphasize the difference between himself and other Robins, or even himself and Gimurei, another Grima, but from what we see both Chroms seem exactly the same except one's on a horse and somehow is Grimmy's Chrom...maybe? Not certain if you were simply showcasing Robin's unique position as an Avatar character - different Robins would of course reflect different players, something I've considered writing about given how all the Robins are somehow exactly the same in FEH despite Robin being a character who should appear very different from one to the next - or if Grimmy actually is Cavalrom's Robin. The two Morgans also felt a little off - only someone who's read your previous work would know about your Summoner-Grima pairing, so Morgan being the Summoner's son is a small wait-what moment. It also throws me personally because I would think the Morgan who goes with Grima and the Summoner would be female to keep with the Robin-Morgan lineup within Awakening's canon.
This being said, I did enjoy your piece, though I didn't quite catch the point you were going for - I assumed it was solely about Grima and Chrom's relationship as they seemed to know each other.

You'd have to read The Crazy Summoner to get that, since we don't follow Awakening's canon too much.  Though that's a small easter egg XD so is the Ephraim vs Ike thing.

 

Also yes, Grimmy (only I can call him that, anyone else is toast XP) is Cavalrom's Robin, and normal Chrom obviously thinks Grimmy is his Robin since 

Spoiler

Chrom is the past version of Cavalrom but shh, we don't say that actively

Also I probably could have worked it better but I have been pushing myself a bit too much to finish it and not quite going through it as I should have.

Edited by TheSilentChloey

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@TheSilentChloey Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that your treatment of Ike and Ephraim was out of character. Ike is NOT an idiot and I don't see him and Ephraim ever fighting unless it's a friendly spar. They'd respect one another's strength and Ike would be glad that Eph isn't like those snooty nobles he hates. At the very least, calling Ike an idiot was entirely unnecessary.

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9 hours ago, Anacybele said:

@TheSilentChloey Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that your treatment of Ike and Ephraim was out of character. Ike is NOT an idiot and I don't see him and Ephraim ever fighting unless it's a friendly spar. They'd respect one another's strength and Ike would be glad that Eph isn't like those snooty nobles he hates. At the very least, calling Ike an idiot was entirely unnecessary.

You'd absolutely hate the crazy summoner Roster then by default, and the crazy summoner by extension since they are the worst versions of themselves.

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The poll kinda looks like a tank or a sideways middle finger just a random observation

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