SF's "Write Your Butt Off" Competition HD II.5 Remix

[Benice]

Well heck, I finished eight minutes too late.

The ending was super rushed, I might go back and do it justice, since if I get a prompt that allows me to use a story I've been thinking of writing for a while, I'll be using the same world/characters a lot. I'll post it as a non-entry for the sake of getting feedback.

I might not have time  to fix the sotyr, since I am busy until 9:00 PM at the earliest every single day this week. (Concerts really take up a lot of time.)

I voted for One, since it was concise, but it carried much more weight than the other entries did IMO.

I'll give feedback in a later post.

[Anacybele]

10 hours ago, Ottservia said:

This was honestly a really hard toss up between Ana’s entry and SoulWeaver’s. Ana’s is essentially what I was looking for with this prompt but Soul’s is just so grounded and relatable. I went with Ana’s but that might change. Both are really good. I’ll give full feedback tomorrow when I’m more awake

If you delete my single vote, I won't have one... 😞

Well, looks like Shoblongoo wins this, no surprise. He always does when he enters. He is a good writer though.

[Ottservia]

Feedback time

 @Anacybele

I really liked this one. It reminded me a lot of why I enjoy shows like Naruto. You captured the prompt really well and I really felt for the characters. I'm such a sucker for when a character runs out to defend someone without even thinking. Their body just kinda moves. I really felt for the characters to. It's certainly a simple story but one that works really well. Not much else to say other than I really liked it.

@SoulWeaver

I liked this one. I bit hard to follow but it was relatable anyway. I feel like this one's greatest strength is how intimate it is. It really is just a lot of dialogue but you do get a sense for the character based on it. It's very simple grounded story that plays with the theme in an interesting way.

@TheSilentChloey

Not bad but this one felt a little short. I dunno I just felt it lacked impact? I guess. I felt you could've done a better job make me connect with the character I suppose> I mean what's there is good just missing something. Don't know what it is though.

@Shoblongoo

I liked this one. This piece reminds of the reason I actually quite like Zeref as a villain in fairy tail. Not many stories tackle the consequences of what it's like to be immortal and this one certainly captured that sort of wandering and endless feeling that immorality brings. I liked it a lot.

 

A little disappointed that no one did a shounen power moment up like I wanted but I think it's been established that I'm the biggest weeb here so ehh. Maybe next prompt I'll be able to write some shounen hype

Edited February 3, 2020 by Ottservia

[Anacybele]

35 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

I really liked this one. It reminded me a lot of why I enjoy shows like Naruto. You captured the prompt really well and I really felt for the characters. I'm such a sucker for when a character runs out to defend someone without even thinking. Their body just kinda moves. I really felt for the characters to. It's certainly a simple story but one that works really well. Not much else to say other than I really liked it.

Yeah, I'm really happy about how it turned out too! It helps that both Bryan and Skye are some of my deepest and best developed characters and that they also have such a deep bond with each other. And I think the best part is Bryan having gone from a scared shy kid who never wanted to hurt a single thing to a powerful warrior who will kick the shit out of you if you mess with him or anything he cares about. lol And he came fairly close to going through a Dimitri-like insanity phase due to the abuse he put up with from people as a child. The only things that prevented him from doing so, in fact, are Skye and to a lesser extent, Bryan's father Owen. Glad you enjoyed this so much! ^^

I'll do my feedback now.

@TheSilentChloey I agree with Ottservia, it felt too short and didn't have enough impact, but you did say you had less time because you got banned from charging your stuff. That sucks. Still, what you did put out was pretty interesting, I have to admit. I just wish I'd learned a little more!

@SoulWeaver I also agree with Ottservia here, you made a pretty relatable piece! And it reminds me of a past entry of Chloey's where it was basically a piece that was literally talking about the prompt like yours here appears to be (though in the case of Chloey's, hers was insulting the prompt which I don't really care to see). A creative way to use the prompt for sure. Nice job!

@Shoblongoo Like I said before, you took this to another level, dude. Amazing job! I'm not familiar with the source material, but what you wrote is just so damn interesting. I just feel it was a little short. Nothing much else to say here except that it was just really good!

[TheSilentChloey]

25 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

Yeah, I'm really happy about how it turned out too! It helps that both Bryan and Skye are some of my deepest and best developed characters and that they also have such a deep bond with each other. And I think the best part is Bryan having gone from a scared shy kid who never wanted to hurt a single thing to a powerful warrior who will kick the shit out of you if you mess with him or anything he cares about. lol And he came fairly close to going through a Dimitri-like insanity phase due to the abuse he put up with from people as a child. The only things that prevented him from doing so, in fact, are Skye and to a lesser extent, Bryan's father Owen. Glad you enjoyed this so much! ^^

I'll do my feedback now.

@TheSilentChloey I agree with Ottservia, it felt too short and didn't have enough impact, but you did say you had less time because you got banned from charging your stuff. That sucks. Still, what you did put out was pretty interesting, I have to admit. I just wish I'd learned a little more!

@SoulWeaver I also agree with Ottservia here, you made a pretty relatable piece! And it reminds me of a past entry of Chloey's where it was basically a piece that was literally talking about the prompt like yours here appears to be (though in the case of Chloey's, hers was insulting the prompt which I don't really care to see). A creative way to use the prompt for sure. Nice job!

@Shoblongoo Like I said before, you took this to another level, dude. Amazing job! I'm not familiar with the source material, but what you wrote is just so damn interesting. I just feel it was a little short. Nothing much else to say here except that it was just really good!

Ana, are you really that thick? I was NOT insulting the prompt for the uptenth time 😕

[Anacybele]

1 minute ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Ana, are you really that thick? I was NOT insulting the prompt for the uptenth time 😕

Firstly, chill. You don't need to be so hostile. Second, sorry, but it came off to me that way then and still does now, even if you didn't intend for it to.

Edited February 3, 2020 by Anacybele

[TheSilentChloey]

4 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

Firstly, chill. You don't need to be so hostile. Second, sorry, but it came off to me that way, then and still does now, even if you didn't intend for it to.

Then stop talking about it for the love of all that is fucking holy and I can put the damn thing behind me and not have to get pissed because you keep harping on about it, which is entirely unnecessary.

 

@Ottservia

Yeah I'm not surprised.  It's more of a the Characters haven't told me much about themselves so it's hard, since I kind of timeskiped instead of going with Neptuna herself...if you want I can PM you the actual start of the story which includes notes and what not.  I haven't even figured out the rating for it lol.

Edited February 3, 2020 by TheSilentChloey

[Anacybele]

6 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Then stop talking about it for the love of all that is fucking holy and I can put the damn thing behind me and not have to get pissed because you keep harping on about it, which is entirely unnecessary.

..."Keep harping on about it"? What the fuck? This was the first time I ever spoke of it since that actual prompt was a thing. Also, YOU could stop having a fucking attitude with me nearly every single damn time we talk. THAT is entirely unnecessary.

Edited February 3, 2020 by Anacybele

[Ottservia]

Here we go... You know I think this starting to become a bit of a meme at this point. You two really do get along like oil and water

[TheSilentChloey]

Somehow I think that's about as annoying as Hanneman and Manuela 😕 though I certainly am no diva.

 

Also correct me if I'm wrong Ana, but you did go on about it when it happened (quite vocally and annoyingly enough for me to really get my back up) and is the last time I will tolerate you talking about it.  Don't make it a next time please.  Just woman up and drop this argument before Eclipse decides to throw warnings at both of us.

[Anacybele]

Interestingly enough, I'm a pretty decent singer. But unlike Manuela, I don't have a drinking problem.

42 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

Here we go... You know I think this starting to become a bit of a meme at this point. You two really do get along like oil and water

I do my best to remain civil with her, I really do. But she makes it hard. I do apologize for the pissing contests, I hate that they happen as much as any of us...

Edited February 4, 2020 by Anacybele

[TheSilentChloey]

1 minute ago, Anacybele said:

Interestingly enough, I'm a pretty decent singer. But unlike Manuela, I don't have a drinking problem.

I do my best to remain civil with her, I do. But she makes it hard.

Sorry but you are just as much at fault as I am, if not more so because you tend to start it, which is true of 90% of our arguments I believe.

[Anacybele]

2 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Sorry but you are just as much at fault as I am, if not more so because you tend to start it, which is true of 90% of our arguments I believe.

"We're both at fault, but you start them, so you're just at fault." Right, makes a lot of sense. 😕 If we're both at fault, we're both at fault. That's that. There's no one who's more at fault than the other.

But you don't have to respond to me, you know. You can just ignore it and go on with your life.

I'm about to quit these contests because I'm tired of this shit.

Edited February 4, 2020 by Anacybele

[Ottservia]

6 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

I do my best to remain civil with her, I really do. But she makes it hard. I do apologize for the pissing contests, I hate that they happen as much as any of us...

Like I said oil and water.

Edited February 4, 2020 by Ottservia

[Anacybele]

Just now, Ottservia said:

Like I said oil and water.

Indeed.

And I'm sorry to say that I may leave these contests because I'm sick of the pissing contests. I'm on thin ice with the mods and I cannot afford trouble. I'm sorry, everyone.

[Benice]

2 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

Indeed.

And I'm sorry to say that I may leave these contests because I'm sick of the pissing contests. I'm on thin ice with the mods and I cannot afford trouble. I'm sorry, everyone.

Maybe you two could work out a whole, "Two posts each before we agree to disagree" thing?

51 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

Here we go... You know I think this starting to become a bit of a meme at this point. You two really do get along like oil and water

I actually did make a meme about it, but I decided it was mean-spirited and decided against it. (A batman hitting Robin one.)

 

Anyways, feedback time. 

@Anacybele, it always makes my day a bit better when I get to read what you put out on this thread. The characters were relatable and the story had good pace! A bit more of the backstory around the timeskip could have been included, but it didn't diminish the experience.

@Shoblongoo, this was my favourite entry that I've read from this competition. Just wow.

@SoulWeaver, I enjoyed this, but it didn't move very fast compared to some of the other entries. It was a decent read, but a bit unmemorable. Still, I'm glad I read it!

@TheSilentChloey Second best worldbuilding goes to you, but as many have said before, it did feel a bit rushed for obvious reasons. I liked the lore and stuff, although the pantheon of gods was pulled from multiple different cultures, which made it a bit harder to keep track of. Still,  I really liked this!

[Dragoncat]

My two cents:

I did think Chloey writing an entry complaining about the prompt was rude. But I also think it's back in the past, whether Anon took it as insulting the prompt or not. I also am losing interest in these contests. I wanted to pick a prompt eventually, but I guess that's not gonna happen. And it's not fun when we have arguments here. So if this contest has to die, I'd be fine with it.

[Ottservia]

Come on you guys this is not what I want to hear. I love talking about writing and stuff with you guys. It’s fun. I don’t want it to end

[TheSilentChloey]

7 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

"We're both at fault, but you start them, so you're just at fault." Right, makes a lot of sense. 😕 If we're both at fault, we're both at fault. That's that. There's no one who's more at fault than the other.

But you don't have to respond to me, you know. You can just ignore it and go on with your life.

I'm about to quit these contests because I'm tired of this shit.

I meant to say just as much at fault.  Stupid brain is stupid...clearly.

 

Also since when did I do anything anyone other than a Mod asked.  But I'm just as tired of it, so dropping this.

 

2 minutes ago, Benice said:

Maybe you two could work out a whole, "Two posts each before we agree to disagree" thing?

I actually did make a meme about it, but I decided it was mean-spirited and decided against it. (A batman hitting Robin one.)

 

Anyways, feedback time. 

@Anacybele, it always makes my day a bit better when I get to read what you put out on this thread. The characters were relatable and the story had good pace! A bit more of the backstory around the timeskip could have been included, but it didn't diminish the experience.

@Shoblongoo, this was my favourite entry that I've read from this competition. Just wow.

@SoulWeaver, I enjoyed this, but it didn't move very fast compared to some of the other entries. It was a decent read, but a bit unmemorable. Still, I'm glad I read it!

@TheSilentChloey Second best worldbuilding goes to you, but as many have said before, it did feel a bit rushed for obvious reasons. I liked the lore and stuff, although the pantheon of gods was pulled from multiple different cultures, which made it a bit harder to keep track of. Still,  I really liked this!

I'm still working on the backstory, and aiming to make this into something fairly unique, think of it as our world before the mythical split away from the known world, so all of the gods existed and they all had spheres of influence.  The Elves are somewhat arrogant and want to remain immortal but obviously no one can really cheat death.

 

Basically a parallel universe to ours, and I could have done the 'Seer' and just how lonely that is, but I kind of wanted to get Adrian's concept out, as well as Kiran's because those two have to find the 'Seer' for whatever reason, I haven't actually got that far into the background yet.

[Benice]

Welp, I'm not giving up hope yet. I know we can all pull it together. Everyone here is a great person and this thread is one of the main reasons I joined SF. It deeply saddens me to see trivial arguments like this pull apart something as great as this. I know we can pull it together, guys! I don't want this to end. I've only been able to put in like two entries, but I need to get better at writing, and this competition gives me a reason to do so. Make your own decisions, but please keep in mind that this is a friendly competition.

 

Edited February 4, 2020 by Benice

[Dragoncat]

1 minute ago, Benice said:

Welp, I'm not giving up hope yet. I know we can all pull it together. Everyone here is a great person and this thread is one of the main reasons I joined SF. It deeply saddens me to see tirivial arguments like this pull apart something as great as this. I know we can pull it together guys!

 

You joined after the said incident, I believe.

4 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

Come on you guys this is not what I want to hear. I love talking about writing and stuff with you guys. It’s fun. I don’t want it to end

Yeah, me neither, but if it does I won't complain.

[Anacybele]

35 minutes ago, Benice said:

Maybe you two could work out a whole, "Two posts each before we agree to disagree" thing?

I wish, but I don't know if she'd be up for it or if it would really work in the long run.

35 minutes ago, Benice said:

I actually did make a meme about it, but I decided it was mean-spirited and decided against it. (A batman hitting Robin one.)

This sounds hilarious to me. LOL But depending on what exactly it was going to say, it could be a bit overboard, so maybe not doing it is for the best, yeah.

35 minutes ago, Benice said:

it always makes my day a bit better when I get to read what you put out on this thread. The characters were relatable and the story had good pace! A bit more of the backstory around the timeskip could have been included, but it didn't diminish the experience.

Yeah, I didn't want to make it super long though. But I can describe a bit more backstory in the spoiler below anyway, just for kicks:

Spoiler

Bryan's mother actually died when he was still an infant and she loved her little boy very much. Astryn was invaded by another country at the time and his parents tried to flee with him to Talgria. But the fires of the war and invasion ended up separating them and Bryan's mother, Caline, was killed protecting him. She bled out from her wounds and was gone by the time Owen found them again. The killer mysteriously left baby Bryan alive and they don't know why (but this is explained in the main story). Owen then continued to Talgria where he raised Bryan as a common boy, waiting for the day to begin preparing him for his true duty as the future king of Astryn.

Once he's grown up, Bryan became a competent lancer and Skye aided him as his second-in-command in their platoon in the Talgrian army. Much of the early parts of the story focus on Azura, as she's the actual lord, but Bryan gets his own arc midway and that's when he returns to Astryn and learns his heritage. He frees Astryn from the dangerous enemy that had invaded them before and assumes the throne.

Skye discovered that he is the reincarnation of a famed Astrynian archer of the past who at one point gained the ability to allow his soul to rebirth itself. And some of his power comes from his past self and that's much of what allowed him to be considered the greatest archer in Altarais. That archer also happened to be best friends with Bryan's most famous ancestor. These two are meant to be the present day versions of those heroes, showing that they were connected even in the past, and that bonds can transcend even time itself.

Bryan is wed to a Pegasus knight from Cilae named Faline. He met her a year prior to the events of the main story, having rescued her from pirates and helped her return to her allies. Faline's had a huge crush on him since. lol And she wasn't giving up on winning his heart. Interestingly, Bryan unknowingly developed feelings for her as well as he escorted her home (she had been separated from her own unit) and didn't realize it until Faline kinda forced him to. XD They rule Astryn together and have a twin boy and girl.

Skye takes command of his and Bryan's platoon and also has a love interest, a Talgrian cleric named Raela. They unfortunately never marry and end up breaking up some time after the main story due to life reasons (they still care about each other), but Raela finds out she's pregnant, and a daughter is born. So they kinda sorta get back together, but not really. Their daughter goes back and forth between parents while the parents get together for a complete visit as often as they can.

Some of this stuff actually hasn't been written out yet, as the main story is not finished. But it's more than halfway through.

34 minutes ago, Dragoncat said:

My two cents:

I did think Chloey writing an entry complaining about the prompt was rude. But I also think it's back in the past, whether Anon took it as insulting the prompt or not. I also am losing interest in these contests. I wanted to pick a prompt eventually, but I guess that's not gonna happen. And it's not fun when we have arguments here. So if this contest has to die, I'd be fine with it.

Whoa whoa whoa, nobody's saying they want the entire contest to end, Dcat. I just feel like I might have to leave. I don't think anyone else has to. I want these contests to go on since lots of fun entries can come out of it.

Ottservia and Benice are right, this should remain a fun and friendly contest. It's no fun when there's arguments. And it doesn't have to end.

Edited February 4, 2020 by Anacybele

[Ottservia]

1 minute ago, Anacybele said:

Bryan's mother actually died when he was still an infant and she loved her little boy very much.

No lie, reading this Bryan reminds me a little bit of Gaara and he was a sad boy. Specifically this scene from like 200 something of shippuden.

Spoiler

 

I know I'm referencing Naruto a lot but I just absolutely love that anime. I love it so much.

[Anacybele]

3 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

No lie, reading this Bryan reminds me a little bit of Gaara and he was a sad boy. Specifically this scene from like 200 something of shippuden.

  Hide contents

 

I know I'm referencing Naruto a lot but I just absolutely love that anime. I love it so much.

...Huh, there IS some similarity here. And I've only watched a little of Naruto. Bryan's mother even watched over him from the afterlife, so she has seen how he grows into the ruler Astryn needed. A lot of things have been done more than once though, so it's not THAT big a surprise.

[Dragoncat]

11 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

Whoa whoa whoa, nobody's saying they want the entire contest to end, Dcat. I just feel like I might have to leave. I don't think anyone else has to. I want these contests to go on since lots of fun entries can come out of it.

Ottservia and Benice are right, this should remain a fun and friendly contest. It's no fun when there's arguments. And it doesn't have to end.

Yeah, but if the arguments continue, it might end, worst case scenario.