SF's "Write Your Butt Off" Competition HD II.5 Remix

[Acacia Sgt]

Okay, so, I've reread the stories and... well, I'm not really much of a reviewer, but here it goes anyway...

Spoiler

• @Anacybele Cursed - It's an interesting story, though despite having read some of your previous entries of the same setting, I currently don't remember much so I was left a little lost. I suppose you also have more stuff elsewhere on Serenes or otherwise, which I haven't read, so it doesn't help either. The general structure is still fine and is well explained, so it fulfills its goal of being a one shot despite clearly being part of a greater whole, I guess.
   
• @AnonymousSpeed Bass Takes a Sick Day - It was certainly amusing. Though I felt that it's meant to be more amusing than what I found it to be? Perhaps I'm just not familiar enough with classic Mega Man to truly appreciate it. Still funny, though.
   
• @KingStaragna Hairline - This was certainly suspenseful. As far as characters go, Shinon ain't among my most favorites of Tellius; but no big deal. I'd say, the raven was a clear indicator this has to be pre-Ch19, so I was picturing the place all snowy like, even if there was no description of such. Just a random thought.
   
• @Ottservia The Screaming Pain - I tried to enjoy this but... I just couldn't. Not because of how violent it was. It had to do due to Dimitri's state of mind. It becomes almost unbearable for me when it comes to these matters. Sorry.
   
• @Rapier Unlikely Encounter - That was an interesting concept. There's plenty of examples, but the first that came to mind was FE's own. Which makes me think... well, your lead has it better, heh.
   
• @Shoblongoo Life's Legacy - I'll admit, the first section was somewhat uncomfortable to read. Interesting; but uncomfortable. Regardless, it was well done in my opinion. Would be a high contender for my vote... if it wasn't for the second section. Oh God, that second section. Too... much... cringe...
   
• @SoulWeaver Her Most Dangerous Mission - I don't mind this is basically a novelization. If anything, I like that it is. I've long wished all those official video game novelizations had official translations and overseas releases, since pretty much all simply stay in Japan and... well, this is going on a tangent. Back to the story itself, it was decent enough. It helps I am familiar with Metroid Fusion (although not as much the rest of the franchise as a whole; Fusion is also the only one I've played), so I can appreciate this more than if not.
   
• @TheSilentChloey Unknowns - As with Anacybel'es story, I don't remember a whole lot of your previous works or have seen everything you've made to fully understand this. However, this felt much easier to follow. Was more self-contained, so to speak. If that's the proper term.

Uh, yeah... so there.

Edited April 6, 2020 by Acacia Sgt

[Anacybele]

38 minutes ago, Acacia Sgt said:

@Anacybele Cursed - It's an interesting story, though despite having read some of your previous entries of the same setting, I currently don't remember much so I was left a little lost. I suppose you also have more stuff elsewhere on Serenes or otherwise, which I haven't read, so it doesn't help either. The general structure is still fine and is well explained, so it fulfills its goal of being a one shot despite clearly being part of a greater whole, I guess.

Firstly, your tags didn't work. You might want to go fix those. xP

Second, well, I don't know what to tell you. Whenever I provided more background information in my entries, I get complaints that it's too much infodump/exposition and it's making the story too long. And then every time I lower the amount of infodumping and all, people then complain that they're lost and couldn't follow it enough and want more infodumping. I can't do it both ways, so there's nothing I can do about it.

[Benice]

5 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

Firstly, your tags didn't work. You might want to go fix those. xP

Second, well, I don't know what to tell you. Whenever I provided more background information in my entries, I get complaints that it's too much infodump/exposition and it's making the story too long. And then every time I lower the amount of infodumping and all, people then complain that they're lost and couldn't follow it enough and want more infodumping. I can't do it both ways, so there's nothing I can do about it.

Perhaps in the pre-read notes?

I, uh...had my entry almost finished on saturday but decided I was going to submit it today, but I forgot that that the new date was saturday...

I will be instead taking this opportunity to rework it into something better to submit as a non-entry for tomorrow. It will be bad, that is all I can say.

Edited April 6, 2020 by Benice

[Anacybele]

1 minute ago, Benice said:

Perhaps in the pre-read notes?

That's what I did for this entry...

[Acacia Sgt]

10 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

Firstly, your tags didn't work. You might want to go fix those. xP

Second, well, I don't know what to tell you. Whenever I provided more background information in my entries, I get complaints that it's too much infodump/exposition and it's making the story too long. And then every time I lower the amount of infodumping and all, people then complain that they're lost and couldn't follow it enough and want more infodumping. I can't do it both ways, so there's nothing I can do about it.

Hmm, I'm gonna have to ask, since I've never used them before.

Well, it's alright. It's more of a me problem in remembering everything I've seen, heard, or say.

5 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

That's what I did for this entry...

That's why I said it was well explained for the purposes of the one-shot. I was more lost about mostly the characters and their relation with your version of Hyrule, that's all.

[Anacybele]

3 minutes ago, Acacia Sgt said:

Hmm, I'm gonna have to ask, since I've never used them before.

Well, it's alright. It's more of a me problem in remembering everything I've seen, heard, or say.

That's why I said it was well explained for the purposes of the one-shot. I was more lost about mostly the characters and their relation with your version of Hyrule, that's all.

I see. I'm not sure why they didn't work for you, because it looks to me like you typed them properly, so yeah, you probably do have to ask a mod about it.

Oh, I see then. My memory isn't quite as good as it used to be either. I blame stress and trying to do a lot of different things lately. I'm not terribly stressed, but I am somewhat these days because of the annoying pandemic...

Oh, well, Link is a canon character, obviously. He's the main hero of the Zelda series. And I noted that this particular Link is the one from OoT and MM. Emerald is my fan daughter for him and Zelda. I noted in this entry that Judo is a Hyrulean knight and leads the other knights. And I definitely noted that Mayula is his daughter, so I'm rather confused at how you were lost on how they relate to this version of Hyrule. Gregg, well, he isn't meant to have a real connection to it since he's from another kingdom and is a traveler.

 

[Acacia Sgt]

1 minute ago, Anacybele said:

I see. I'm not sure why they didn't work for you, because it looks to me like you typed them properly, so yeah, you probably do have to ask a mod about it.

Oh, I see then. My memory isn't quite as good as it used to be either. I blame stress and trying to do a lot of different things lately. I'm not terribly stressed, but I am somewhat these days because of the annoying pandemic...

Oh, well, Link is a canon character, obviously. He's the main hero of the Zelda series. And I noted that this particular Link is the one from OoT and MM. Emerald is my fan daughter for him and Zelda. I noted in this entry that Judo is a Hyrulean knight and leads the other knights. And I definitely noted that Mayula is his daughter, so I'm rather confused at how you were lost on how they relate to this version of Hyrule. Gregg, well, he isn't meant to have a real connection to it since he's from another kingdom and is a traveler.

 

It's alright. Was able to fix it.

Oh no, not about who they are. It's just that, knowing you've used them publicly before, many times, of which some I've never read about and others I don't remember much, it... gave me that loss feeling. Don't know if I can explain this properly. It simply was.

[Anacybele]

1 minute ago, Acacia Sgt said:

It's alright. Was able to fix it.

Oh no, not about who they are. It's just that, knowing you've used them publicly before, many times, of which some I've never read about and others I don't remember much, it... gave me that loss feeling. Don't know if I can explain this properly. It simply was.

Yeah, I saw. Oh, I think I see. That's something I don't think I can fix, tbh.

[TheSilentChloey]

3 hours ago, Acacia Sgt said:

Okay, so, I've reread the stories and... well, I'm not really much of a reviewer, but here it goes anyway...

  Hide contents

• @Anacybele Cursed - It's an interesting story, though despite having read some of your previous entries of the same setting, I currently don't remember much so I was left a little lost. I suppose you also have more stuff elsewhere on Serenes or otherwise, which I haven't read, so it doesn't help either. The general structure is still fine and is well explained, so it fulfills its goal of being a one shot despite clearly being part of a greater whole, I guess.
   
• @AnonymousSpeed Bass Takes a Sick Day - It was certainly amusing. Though I felt that it's meant to be more amusing than what I found it to be? Perhaps I'm just not familiar enough with classic Mega Man to truly appreciate it. Still funny, though.
   
• @KingStaragna Hairline - This was certainly suspenseful. As far as characters go, Shinon ain't among my most favorites of Tellius; but no big deal. I'd say, the raven was a clear indicator this has to be pre-Ch19, so I was picturing the place all snowy like, even if there was no description of such. Just a random thought.
   
• @Ottservia The Screaming Pain - I tried to enjoy this but... I just couldn't. Not because of how violent it was. It had to do due to Dimitri's state of mind. It becomes almost unbearable for me when it comes to these matters. Sorry.
   
• @Rapier Unlikely Encounter - That was an interesting concept. There's plenty of examples, but the first that came to mind was FE's own. Which makes me think... well, your lead has it better, heh.
   
• @Shoblongoo Life's Legacy - I'll admit, the first section was somewhat uncomfortable to read. Interesting; but uncomfortable. Regardless, it was well done in my opinion. Would be a high contender for my vote... if it wasn't for the second section. Oh God, that second section. Too... much... cringe...
   
• @SoulWeaver Her Most Dangerous Mission - I don't mind this is basically a novelization. If anything, I like that it is. I've long wished all those official video game novelizations had official translations and overseas releases, since pretty much all simply stay in Japan and... well, this is going on a tangent. Back to the story itself, it was decent enough. It helps I am familiar with Metroid Fusion (although not as much the rest of the franchise as a whole; Fusion is also the only one I've played), so I can appreciate this more than if not.
   
• @TheSilentChloey Unknowns - As with Anacybel'es story, I don't remember a whole lot of your previous works or have seen everything you've made to fully understand this. However, this felt much easier to follow. Was more self-contained, so to speak. If that's the proper term.

Uh, yeah... so there.

It's not meant to be part of anything bigger, it was meant to be an entirely stand alone with no connection to any previous entries except the fact it's focused solely on Adrian's birth parents.  Which really aren't that major in terms of the universe.

[Ottservia]

3 hours ago, Acacia Sgt said:

The Screaming Pain - I tried to enjoy this but... I just couldn't. Not because of how violent it was. It had to do due to Dimitri's state of mind. It becomes almost unbearable for me when it comes to these matters. Sorry.

What about it was unbearable to you? if you don’t mind my asking. I’m not hurt or anything just curious is all. I thought I portrayed Dimitri pretty accurately here. The dude is a crazy edgy sad boy that kills people in overly brutal ways which is what I was trying to depict.

[Acacia Sgt]

3 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

It's not meant to be part of anything bigger, it was meant to be an entirely stand alone with no connection to any previous entries except the fact it's focused solely on Adrian's birth parents.  Which really aren't that major in terms of the universe.

Yeah, that's why I stated it did felt that it was a stand-alone piece, despite the focus character being related to someone you use often in other works. As I would guess that's how this Adrian is, no?

5 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

What about it was unbearable to you? if you don’t mind my asking. I’m not hurt or anything just curious is all. I thought I portrayed Dimitri pretty accurately here. The dude is a crazy edgy sad boy that kills people in overly brutal ways which is what I was trying to depict.

Like I said, it's due to how Dimitri is when it comes to his mental health. Even if that's how he is in some of the routes of Three Houses, it is the fact that he is that way that I can't bear.

[TheSilentChloey]

3 hours ago, Acacia Sgt said:

Yeah, that's why I stated it did felt that it was a stand-alone piece, despite the focus character being related to someone you use often in other works. As I would guess that's how this Adrian is, no?

Like I said, it's due to how Dimitri is when it comes to his mental health. Even if that's how he is in some of the routes of Three Houses, it is the fact that he is that way that I can't bear.

Actually Adrian is relatively new lol.  Most of my work centres around Grima, of all charcters.  But that is a kettle of fish we don't really need to open XD

[Ottservia]

7 hours ago, Acacia Sgt said:

Like I said, it's due to how Dimitri is when it comes to his mental health. Even if that's how he is in some of the routes of Three Houses, it is the fact that he is that way that I can't bear.

Well that certainly explains a lot but regardless that doesn’t really answer my question. I apologize if it’s too personal but what exactly about it makes it unbearable? Is it too relatable? Too violent? Too against your own standards? I’m just curious. You don’t have to answer if it’s too personal but these sorts of things just interest me

[Dragoncat]

I'd like to thank everybody! My first time submitting a prompt and so many entries! Reviews coming soon.

@Acacia Sgt I enjoyed this one! Caught the Zelda reference right away and loved it. While it would put the word count up even more, Alm and Celica's reactions would be fun to see, or maybe another fairy appears? The hermit was knowledgeable enough though, and filled his purpose. Also, it would be funny if the fairy queen Titania looked like Titania from Tellius.

Edited April 6, 2020 by Dragoncat

[Acacia Sgt]

3 hours ago, Ottservia said:

Well that certainly explains a lot but regardless that doesn’t really answer my question. I apologize if it’s too personal but what exactly about it makes it unbearable? Is it too relatable? Too violent? Too against your own standards? I’m just curious. You don’t have to answer if it’s too personal but these sorts of things just interest me

Well, like I said, it wasn't the violence. Okay, sometimes I don't like to read something if it gets too gory or graphic; but that wasn't a problem here. Not something I'd like to keep talking about, honestly; so let's just leave it that I didn't liked reading about post-timeskip!Dimitri for personal reasons, and that's it.

2 hours ago, Dragoncat said:

I enjoyed this one! Caught the Zelda reference right away and loved it. While it would put the word count up even more, Alm and Celica's reactions would be fun to see, or maybe another fairy appears? The hermit was knowledgeable enough though, and filled his purpose. Also, it would be funny if the fairy queen Titania looked like Titania from Tellius.

Oh, good to know, heh. Well, the word count and the fact that as a one-shot, I had to stick to a single "scene". Though like I said, this is part of an idea I eventually plan to turn into a proper story (or as proper it can get considering where I plan to put it on), so things like that are likely to be part of it, I'd hope. As for the Fairy Queen's appearance, well, I would think on keeping her canon-ish depiction:

So, no, she wouldn't look like FE's Titania. Although on that subject, it is kinda intriguing on the decision of naming the FE character Titania. Since in Japan she's Tiamat instead. A mythological reference changed to a theatrical one.

Edited April 6, 2020 by Acacia Sgt

[Anacybele]

Okay, time for my feedback!

@Acacia Sgt This one was really cool! I just liked everything about it, how it was written, and the concept. Fairies are great! All I can say is that I wish more Echoes characters had appeared. I'd have loved to see their reaction to fairy Silque. XD

@AnonymousSpeed MIRACULOUS MENTION! I love that show! Do you like it too? Or did you just think of it because I wrote a Miraculous entry awhile back? Or something else? lol Either way, I smiled big when I saw that mention! I'm not interested in Mega Man, but the story was really amusing lol. Good job there! I just kinda wish it had a bit more meat to it, I guess? There wasn't much going on in general.

@KingStaragna Shinon! He's my favorite archer in the series not named Claude. This was nice, you don't see anyone give Shinon focus much when they write Tellius stuff. I am confused at the title though, it doesn't seem to relate to the actual story. Still, the story itself is pretty nice and solid, nothing really wrong with it and nothing real extraordinary about it. Overall good job!

@Ottservia As much as I like Dimitri, this isn't really anything except showing off his PTED symptoms. The writing itself is solid, I just wish there was more to it than PTED Dimitri. Still, as I said, solid piece, nothing really bad or spectacular about it.

@Rapier This reminded me of Blades in Xenoblade 2, except the living weapons don't have living forms, just weapon forms. Really interesting piece, I must say. I feel like it's a bit unfinished, like there should be some more at the end, but I dunno, maybe that's just me. Overall good piece.

@Shoblongoo This one had the feels, man. Really good job on that front. You really explored an unfortunate revelation with races like the manketes and explored it well. Good job!

@SoulWeaver I don't play Metroid, so I didn't catch on at first that this was a Metroid piece. But besides that, this was nicely written and fairly interesting. Solid piece.

@TheSilentChloey Basically what Acacia said, it was a little hard to follow. But solid work, and it's nice to see you go back to one of your original ficverses again.

[SoulWeaver]

1 hour ago, Anacybele said:

 

@SoulWeaver I don't play Metroid, so I didn't catch on at first that this was a Metroid piece. But besides that, this was nicely written and fairly interesting. Solid piece.

I kind of intentionally kept from making it too obviously Metroid to see if it could hold up on its own. Metroid in general is a difficult franchise to write anything dialogue-related about due to the series as a whole using subtext to convey what it's saying almost without exception, especially the 2D games. This is mostly because there's literally one character - Samus - who has any serious significance in the games who can talk, all bosses just make generic boss creature sounds and Mother Brain, the main antagonist/final boss for several of the games, has no mouth. If you actually try to insert any form of dialogue, it kind of stops being Metroid, if that makes sense.
If you have time and are interested in the Metroid story, I'd recommend watching The Geek Critique's series on the franchise, it's incredibly cohesive and even covers a fangame that ended up being quite controversial due to how anal Nintendo was about it.

[Anacybele]

49 minutes ago, SoulWeaver said:

I kind of intentionally kept from making it too obviously Metroid to see if it could hold up on its own. Metroid in general is a difficult franchise to write anything dialogue-related about due to the series as a whole using subtext to convey what it's saying almost without exception, especially the 2D games. This is mostly because there's literally one character - Samus - who has any serious significance in the games who can talk, all bosses just make generic boss creature sounds and Mother Brain, the main antagonist/final boss for several of the games, has no mouth. If you actually try to insert any form of dialogue, it kind of stops being Metroid, if that makes sense.
If you have time and are interested in the Metroid story, I'd recommend watching The Geek Critique's series on the franchise, it's incredibly cohesive and even covers a fangame that ended up being quite controversial due to how anal Nintendo was about it.

Oh, I see. That makes sense then. I am aware that Samus and Ridley are pretty much the only notable Metroid characters.

[Dragoncat]

@AnonymousSpeed This was a humorous piece, not much going on. Reminds me of my shitpost scenes I've sent Ana in Discord, like the male dorms in Garreg Mach at 3 am. Long story short, there was sleeptalking, farting, and discussions on the Death Knight's sex life. The Miraculous nod was cool, I haven't watched it myself but Ana loves it.

@Shoblongoo You said you were going to write Nowi seriously and you nailed it. Lots of feels, although I was confused whether Mavis was Vaike's reincarnation or descendant. He's clearly not Nowi's kid, but it's possible The Vaike wasn't entirely faithful to his manakete wife...but I think he's a reincarnation, right?

[Acacia Sgt]

11 hours ago, Anacybele said:

This one was really cool! I just liked everything about it, how it was written, and the concept. Fairies are great! All I can say is that I wish more Echoes characters had appeared. I'd have loved to see their reaction to fairy Silque. XD

Well, truth be told, I did considered writing it while still within the game's events (late Chapter 4, not long before the assault on Rigel Castle). The ending was going to be less "Well, this happened; gotta make the best of it." and more "We'll stick with our current objective for now, then deal with this later." Since it wasn't gonna be revealed that it was permanent right away either. The thing is, I started to doubt if I could write well handling all the characters (I consider one of my biggest weaknesses in writing dealing with too many characters on scene), so I decided to keep it simple with just Silque and the hermit.

9 hours ago, SoulWeaver said:

Metroid in general is a difficult franchise to write anything dialogue-related about due to the series as a whole using subtext to convey what it's saying almost without exception, especially the 2D games. This is mostly because there's literally one character - Samus - who has any serious significance in the games who can talk, all bosses just make generic boss creature sounds and Mother Brain, the main antagonist/final boss for several of the games, has no mouth. If you actually try to insert any form of dialogue, it kind of stops being Metroid, if that makes sense.

I'd say, this was something I didn't noticed at first back then, precisely because Fusion was my first experience with the franchise (outside seeing Samus in Super Smash Bros. 64). Wasn't until much later when I discovered Fusion was somewhat criticized for having Samus inner monologue, giving her a mission-control type character, and having them actually talk to each other. As well for other things. Since certainly, Fusion is something of an oddball, as it deviates from the standard formula of the other 2D games. Can't speak about the Prime Trilogy; but I would think that, 3D aside, they weren't as detached as Fusion was.

[Anacybele]

1 minute ago, Acacia Sgt said:

Well, truth be told, I did considered writing it while still within the game's events (late Chapter 4, not long before the assault on Rigel Castle). The ending was going to be less "Well, this happened; gotta make the best of it." and more "We'll stick with our current objective for now, then deal with this later." Since it wasn't gonna be revealed that it was permanent right away either. The thing is, I started to doubt if I could write well handling all the characters (I consider one of my biggest weaknesses in writing dealing with too many characters on scene), so I decided to keep it simple with just Silque and the hermit.

Oh, okay, I understand then. No biggie. It was still a great read as is!

[KingStaragna]

On 4/6/2020 at 11:30 AM, Anacybele said:

@KingStaragna Shinon! He's my favorite archer in the series not named Claude. This was nice, you don't see anyone give Shinon focus much when they write Tellius stuff. I am confused at the title though, it doesn't seem to relate to the actual story. Still, the story itself is pretty nice and solid, nothing really wrong with it and nothing real extraordinary about it. Overall good job!

I’m glad you enjoyed it! I’m kind of on the same boat as you, the story could use some punching up. As to the title, it’s a reference to both the hairline fracture in the Killer Bow that kicks off the story, and how close Shinon comes to death throughout the whole ordeal. 

 

On 4/5/2020 at 8:54 PM, Acacia Sgt said:

@KingStaragna Hairline - This was certainly suspenseful. As far as characters go, Shinon ain't among my most favorites of Tellius; but no big deal. I'd say, the raven was a clear indicator this has to be pre-Ch19, so I was picturing the place all snowy like, even if there was no description of such. Just a random thought.

That would probably make sense, yeah... I haven’t played Path of Radiance in a while, so I set this kind of out of the timeline, since there’s no real location I can think of where this situation could have happened. 

[Anacybele]

40 minutes ago, KingStaragna said:

I’m glad you enjoyed it! I’m kind of on the same boat as you, the story could use some punching up. As to the title, it’s a reference to both the hairline fracture in the Killer Bow that kicks off the story, and how close Shinon comes to death throughout the whole ordeal. 

Ohhh, okay, I see now. Clever!

[SoulWeaver]

18 hours ago, Acacia Sgt said:

I'd say, this was something I didn't noticed at first back then, precisely because Fusion was my first experience with the franchise (outside seeing Samus in Super Smash Bros. 64). Wasn't until much later when I discovered Fusion was somewhat criticized for having Samus inner monologue, giving her a mission-control type character, and having them actually talk to each other. As well for other things. Since certainly, Fusion is something of an oddball, as it deviates from the standard formula of the other 2D games. Can't speak about the Prime Trilogy; but I would think that, 3D aside, they weren't as detached as Fusion was.

Like I mentioned to Ana, if you have time The Geek Critique's videos are pretty good, he actually gives an idea for why Fusion took the route it did that I hadn't thought of and made me think about the franchise as a whole, so that one if none of the others would be worth your time since you mentioned that's the only one you're familiar with. If you enjoyed Fusion I'd also recommend playing Zero Mission, Fusion's kind of got a horror vibe going so I could never finish it because it would creep me out, but I'm on my second run of Zero Mission trying for 100% Items because fanservice ending is fanservice. The two games play similarly, but Zero Mission is much more open ended due to the lack of a rigid narrative and some physics engine tweaks - you can wall-jump up the same wall if you practice enough and do bomb-jumps to get to places early, it's pretty enjoyable.

[Acacia Sgt]

1 hour ago, SoulWeaver said:

Like I mentioned to Ana, if you have time The Geek Critique's videos are pretty good, he actually gives an idea for why Fusion took the route it did that I hadn't thought of and made me think about the franchise as a whole, so that one if none of the others would be worth your time since you mentioned that's the only one you're familiar with. If you enjoyed Fusion I'd also recommend playing Zero Mission, Fusion's kind of got a horror vibe going so I could never finish it because it would creep me out, but I'm on my second run of Zero Mission trying for 100% Items because fanservice ending is fanservice. The two games play similarly, but Zero Mission is much more open ended due to the lack of a rigid narrative and some physics engine tweaks - you can wall-jump up the same wall if you practice enough and do bomb-jumps to get to places early, it's pretty enjoyable.

Oh, it's okay. By this point I've long seen about the rest of the series. I do want to try some of the other games out, though I currently don't have the means to acquire them.

Haha, yeah, it also creep me out as a kid. It also made me think Metroid as a whole was part of the horror genre for a little while. It didn't stopped me from continue playing, though I don't remember if I ever finished it.

Oh yes, I know all about sequence breaking when it comes to Metroid games. Both the legit... and not so legit ways to progress through the game.