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AnonymousSpeed

SF's "Write Your Butt Off" Competition HD II.5 Remix

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Well now that I had the chance to read a couple entries allow me to give some of my thoughts.

@Acacia Sgt an interesting idea but the story overstayed it’s welcome if you ask me. Like you said yourself the story feels incredibly info dumpy especially in the beginning. I didn’t mind it too much near the end because it was two characters having a conversation but outside narrators bother me a little bit especially when used like that. Even so with that long of story, it was surprisingly lacking in substance if you don’t mind me being blunt. Like it was an interesting and simple idea but I feel it didn’t need to be that long and most of that length was mostly just meaningless exposition anyway. I just felt this story could’ve been a lot shorter given its simplistic premise and plot. Also I dunno if I’ve been watching too much SAO recently but cafe scenes are really starting to bother me. Try to be a little more to the point next time I suppose.

@Anacybele a nice cute story full of your signature charming characters and dialogue but I struggled to find the point of this particular piece. There’s no real conflict here and the little conflict that does occur gets resolved as quickly as it’s brought up. I liked the first half but then after the hooded guy reveals himself you lose me cause the major conflict has been resolved so again I ask what was the point of all this?

 

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7 hours ago, Ottservia said:

a nice cute story full of your signature charming characters and dialogue but I struggled to find the point of this particular piece. There’s no real conflict here and the little conflict that does occur gets resolved as quickly as it’s brought up. I liked the first half but then after the hooded guy reveals himself you lose me cause the major conflict has been resolved so again I ask what was the point of all this?

The point, I suppose, was discovering another Mutahylian, and a male one at that (since both the known ones before were female), as well as Kelli and May having another family member out there somewhere.

But I get that this wasn't my most spectacular piece, I had a bit of writer's block with it. xP It also took me some time to even come up with how May temporarily lost her powers and who caused it.

I'm glad to know I make good characters though! 🙂

Edited by Anacybele

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@KingStaragna Yay for Tellius! The thought of Shinon carrying a dagger is an interesting one. You wrote him well, I could feel the haughty racism in regards to the raven, and the haughtiness toward the mage as well. You took the prompt in a different, but acceptable, direction.

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On 4/5/2020 at 10:54 PM, Acacia Sgt said:

 Bass Takes a Sick Day - It was certainly amusing. Though I felt that it's meant to be more amusing than what I found it to be? Perhaps I'm just not familiar enough with classic Mega Man to truly appreciate it. Still funny, though.

To be fair, you would have to know that Cold Man looks like a giant refrigerator for some of those jokes to land, and that Magnet Man has a large magnet on his head. The personalities of the characters are largely made up, though.

 

On 4/6/2020 at 1:30 PM, Anacybele said:

MIRACULOUS MENTION! I love that show! Do you like it too? Or did you just think of it because I wrote a Miraculous entry awhile back? Or something else? lol Either way, I smiled big when I saw that mention!

On 4/6/2020 at 6:37 PM, Dragoncat said:

The Miraculous nod was cool, I haven't watched it myself but Ana loves it.

The mention of the show was largely an allusion to Ana's previous references to it. As far as I can discern it's not a terribly immoral show, so I could make that joke and keep it a joke.

 

On 4/6/2020 at 1:30 PM, Anacybele said:

I'm not interested in Mega Man

Heretic.

Play Battle Network.

It's the best franchise of all time.

 

On 4/7/2020 at 9:00 PM, Acacia Sgt said:

Oh yes, I know all about sequence breaking when it comes to Metroid games. Both the legit... and not so legit ways to progress through the game.

There is no legit. Only the possible.

***

Critical critiques.

@Shoblongoo

Spoiler

The twist in the second half is very obvious, making it unnecessary.

It's somewhat disturbing that Nowi would seek out and bring to her company someone very much like her departed husband.

If the intent is to make human-Manakete relationships somehow justified by the emotions of the partners in the moment, it does a poor job by having much to say about twilight decrepitness and comparatively little to show of positive experience. However, if the intent is to instead raise a Cromwell-type counterargument, I should say it also does a poor job due to Nowi's impenitence. My ability to pick out irony is limited to Nickelback's "Rockstar" so I didn't want to assume it was supposed to be one way and not the other.

@Acacia Sgt

Spoiler

I think it's an interesting idea, but the prose is incredibly sterile. I feel it takes too long to read and uses too many words. It should move more briskly, have some momentum to it.

We almost have as many votes as entries, which I did not expect, but which is good.

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43 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

The mention of the show was largely an allusion to Ana's previous references to it. As far as I can discern it's not a terribly immoral show, so I could make that joke and keep it a joke.

Oh, cool! I'm glad I could inspire you, sorta. 🙂

Also, we might have about as many votes as entries, but we also have a three way tie now. >_<

Edited by Anacybele

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@Shoblongoo I got dragon maid vibes from this story(for anyone who has watched the show, you should understand what I mean) and I like more serious takes on normally bubbly and innocent characters. It’s refreshing to say the least. I liked this story quite a bit. The idea of immortality or outliving your loved ones is an Idea I’ve only seen explored like this a number of times.

Also if y’all haven’t already go watch Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid. It’s very cute and heartwarming.

 

Edited by Ottservia

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14 hours ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

Heretic.

Play Battle Network.

It's the best franchise of all time.

Play One Step From Eden

It's Battle Network but good

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1 minute ago, Rapier said:

It's Battle Network but good

I'd crucify you if I knew where you lived.

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Okay more feedback time.

@TheSilentChloey Not a bad piece. I enjoyed it though I kinda wish there was more. This feels like the opening chapter to long series multibook novel. It’s not bad but it feels more like a part of a larger story rather than a one shot though you did succeed in pulling me in. I’d definitely like to see more of this world you’ve created.

@KingStaragna I really liked this one. I’m such a sucker for strategic style battles like this where a character is handicapped and must use stealth and espionage tactics to achieve victory. It’s one of the reasons I absolutely love some of the earlier Naruto fights because that’s what they rely on. You’re also really good and building that kind of tension found in scenes like this as well as paying it off in full with a good climax. This was just a really good piece. I could stand to learn from it.

@Rapier not bad, I quite enjoyed this one but like with Chloey’s this one felt like the beginning to far grander adventure rather than a stand alone one shot. That aside, it is really good and takes the prompt in an interesting direction. I do definitely wanna know more about these characters and the world they live in. It does a good job of pulling you in with intrigue and tense yet relaxing atmosphere. Not bad at all.

@SoulWeaver I haven’t dabbled much in the metroid series but I feel like this one kinda suffers from not giving Samus enough personality. I get why you didn’t do it because of the how that worked in other M but I feel you could’ve given her a little more to work with in regards to giving her opinions on things. Other than that though it was fine. Not much else to say.

@AnonymousSpeed Certainly a humorous piece which is refreshing. I may not play mega man but I do understand all of it's lore and stuff. I enjoyed. It was wacky, weird, and didn't make much sense but that doesn't matter because I assume that was the point. I especially liked the joke at the end about the captia.

Edited by Ottservia

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1 hour ago, Ottservia said:

 

@SoulWeaver I haven’t dabbled much in the metroid series but I feel like this one kinda suffers from not giving Samus enough personality. I get why you didn’t do it because of the how that worked in other M but I feel you could’ve given her a little more to work with in regards to giving her opinions on things. Other than that though it was fine. Not much else to say.

Yeah, I felt like more Samus lines might have helped a little, but in the end I also wasn’t confident I could do her justice - stoic badass can be hard to write if you’re used to other ideas. Fusion is an especially interesting game because so much of it is about Samus’ lack of agency - most of the game is simply her following orders, so I figured a more passive role would be best considering the game setting. Ideally I would have added an internal monologue on her part since that was kind of Fusion’s thing, but again, I figured I’d take the safe route.

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5 hours ago, Ottservia said:

@KingStaragna I really liked this one. I’m such a sucker for strategic style battles like this where a character is handicapped and must use stealth and espionage tactics to achieve victory. It’s one of the reasons I absolutely love some of the earlier Naruto fights because that’s what they rely on. You’re also really good and building that kind of tension found in scenes like this as well as paying it off in full with a good climax. This was just a really good piece. I could stand to learn from it

This made my day! I’m so happy you enjoyed it. I’m glad you thought the climax went well. I knew I wanted him to face off solo with a raven laguz just because I thought it was perfect thematically; Shinon hates laguz, he normally would have no problems with a raven thanks to his bow advantage, and if the main force was going to send anyone it would be 1, the one they least cared about and 2, the one who could get there and back quickest through a wooded area. 
 

That all made sense to me. What didn’t make sense was how to get him out of that alive. I honestly don’t think he should have lived, but killing him off would’ve gone against the prompt and the theme of the story of survival against all odds. I ended up compromising and making it essentially a draw, but it still felt like a bit of a cop out. I don’t know, what do you guys think should have happened?

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49 minutes ago, KingStaragna said:

This made my day! I’m so happy you enjoyed it. I’m glad you thought the climax went well. I knew I wanted him to face off solo with a raven laguz just because I thought it was perfect thematically; Shinon hates laguz, he normally would have no problems with a raven thanks to his bow advantage, and if the main force was going to send anyone it would be 1, the one they least cared about and 2, the one who could get there and back quickest through a wooded area. 
 

That all made sense to me. What didn’t make sense was how to get him out of that alive. I honestly don’t think he should have lived, but killing him off would’ve gone against the prompt and the theme of the story of survival against all odds. I ended up compromising and making it essentially a draw, but it still felt like a bit of a cop out. I don’t know, what do you guys think should have happened?

I mean I personally didn’t have much of an issue with it but I can see how you wrote yourself into a corner there. Personally, I would’ve just ended it with him blacking out and leaving it ambiguous but that’s just me.

Anyway, no one(At least as far as I’m aware) got my Naruto opening references and that disappoints me somewhat. Oh well what can ya do? Regardless I hope we get the next prompt soon. I have an itch to write something right now

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Yay! Writing time! This time I swear I'll get something in! Ready for the prompt!

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Let Anon finish critiquing first, he only critiqued a few people.

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2 minutes ago, Dragoncat said:

Oh no, I didn't get in all my reviews.

Well now’s the time

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I guess someone wanted to throw in a last minute vote before it officially ended. >_<

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1 minute ago, Anacybele said:

I guess someone wanted to throw in a last minute vote before it officially ended. >_<

He was ahead when time to vote expired, but Threw him another one to make it 4-3 official 

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I broke the tie by voting him at least a day ago.

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"Don't worry about putting a deadline on the poll," I said. "You'll be there to check it and it'll be clear who won," I said.

"Finish cooking before you check the writing thread," I said. "It won't take that much longer," I said.

Well then. Having disproven myself perhaps too many times for one day, I think it would be a lovely thing for you all to share in the Resurrection Sunday preparations which occupied me for so long.

Write about cooking.

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I knew the length thing was gonna be seen negatively. Ah well, it was my choice to go that route. Regardless, still very insightful critique.

I'd say, I wasn't expecting to win; but getting the runner-up spot still surprised me. Hmm, I did say I wasn't sure if to participate for more than one round... well, we'll see.

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6 hours ago, Acacia Sgt said:

I knew the length thing was gonna be seen negatively. Ah well, it was my choice to go that route. Regardless, still very insightful critique.

I'd say, I wasn't expecting to win; but getting the runner-up spot still surprised me. Hmm, I did say I wasn't sure if to participate for more than one round... well, we'll see.

For me the biggest factor was how there was too much description and little action. And then, when Silque is turned into a fairy, it takes too long for us to see what she does with them,  or how she'll help people next.

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9 hours ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

Write about cooking.

...3 weeks of binge-watching Iron Chef: America in COVID-19 quarantine have prepared me for this moment...

Edited by Shoblongoo

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