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Read a bit of it. I can already tell you that since it's an original work, you will need to explain a lot more lore as it's brought up. This is ideal for fanfics as well actually. Straight away you mention pigment users without explaining what they are, that will need to be fixed.

Good luck!

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Read a little bit of it and one thing that stuck out to me was the overuse of the word "was". You kept saying stuff like "the young girl was rushing to get somewhere" or "he was in shock". To be verbs are a tricky thing and generally you don't want to overuse because they're telly and not showy. Like instead of saying "the young girl was rushing to get somewhere" you could say "the young girl sprinted past the many skyscrapers lining the city streets. Her eyes widened as she quickly checked a nearby clock. Her legs flashed into a blur as she weaved past the droves of people in her way" Do you get what I mean.

Edited by Ottservia

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On my previous statement, if you don't want to explain pigment users right away, then you can take that out of the beginning. Like instead of saying this girl is a pigment user, you can just call her a "young woman" or something.

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On 3/18/2019 at 5:55 PM, Ottservia said:

Read a little bit of it and one thing that stuck out to me was the overuse of the word "was". You kept saying stuff like "the young girl was rushing to get somewhere" or "he was in shock". To be verbs are a tricky thing and generally you don't want to overuse because they're telly and not showy. Like instead of saying "the young girl was rushing to get somewhere" you could say "the young girl sprinted past the many skyscrapers lining the city streets. Her eyes widened as she quickly checked a nearby clock. Her legs flashed into a blur as she weaved past the droves of people in her way" Do you get what I mean.

I get what you mean. I'll keep that in mind is I'm editing my story. Thank you for the very helpful advice!

 

On 3/18/2019 at 5:33 PM, Dragoncat said:

Read a bit of it. I can already tell you that since it's an original work, you will need to explain a lot more lore as it's brought up. This is ideal for fanfics as well actually. Straight away you mention pigment users without explaining what they are, that will need to be fixed.

Good luck!

 

On 3/18/2019 at 8:06 PM, Dragoncat said:

On my previous statement, if you don't want to explain pigment users right away, then you can take that out of the beginning. Like instead of saying this girl is a pigment user, you can just call her a "young woman" or something.

Ah. I see. That makes more sense. I just wanted to pointed out why the antagonist was so feared, but rewording it so that pigment isn't straight up mentioned at first may sound better for a mid story intro.

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