Espurr plays old DS shovelware (and some others)! Suffering through: Kung Fu Panda 2

[Eltosian Kadath]

2 hours ago, Espurrhoodie said:

I did watch a rather interesting analysis of this movie (link here)

Ah Shaffrillas, it has been a while since I have seen one of his reviews.

 

2 hours ago, Espurrhoodie said:

Lovely, my headphones crapped out on me and now I can only hear out of one side. Palutena have mercy on my left ear.

You sure its not just that the game is arbitrarily in mono for some sections? You never know with this level of quality.

 

1 hour ago, Espurrhoodie said:

 

Anyway, onto the actual gameplay. This game is a 3D platformer.

That is going to be awkward, the DS controls do not mesh well with 3D platformers unless they put an actual effort in. Now 2D and 2.5D platformers, those are more the DS's style.

 

1 hour ago, Espurrhoodie said:

(or yell in the mic) to roar,

Oh no, not mic controls... do you at least have to press a button before it starts checking the mic, or does Shrek randomly start roaring whenever there is too much noise/wind?

[Espurrhoodie]

7 minutes ago, Eltosian Kadath said:

You sure its not just that the game is arbitrarily in mono for some sections? You never know with this level of quality.

Nope, it's my headphones. They've been doing this for a while, but tbf, they're 5 years old.

 

8 minutes ago, Eltosian Kadath said:

That is going to be awkward, the DS controls do not mesh well with 3D platformers unless they put an actual effort in. Now 2D and 2.5D platformers, those are more the DS's style.

I'll probably using the circle pad instead. I heard that was a common criticism of Mario 64 DS and that game is much better using the 3DS's circke pad.

 

10 minutes ago, Eltosian Kadath said:

Oh no, not mic controls... do you at least have to press a button before it starts checking the mic, or does Shrek randomly start roaring whenever there is too much noise/wind?

You can adjust microphone sensitivity. I'll stick with the L and R buttons though.

[Espurrhoodie]

Sorry for missing yesterday, Friday, and Thursday. I forgot.

Espurr goes through immense pain and suffering playing Shrek Forever After! (part 2)

I want to correct something I said before. Apparently, this is not a 3D platformer. This is technically an action-adventure game.

Also, here's a picture of the little shit that keeps interrupting me by jumping on my lap:

Look at his smug little face.

Anyway, apparently there are (at the very least) 18 levels in this game.

Sigh... let's get over this.

Once again, my headphones crapped out and now I can only hear out of one ear.

.....

Di...did the game just crash on me?

I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING! ALL I DID WAS STEP ON A BUTTON, JUMP OVER SOME PLATFORMS, AND THEN PUNCH THIS GUY AND THE GAME CRASHED! THE MUSIC IS STILL GOING, BUT EVERYTHING ELSE STOPPED!

Actually, I think this was the fourth or fifth time in my entire life that a game has crashed on me, with only FE Warriors and the Switch version of Tales of Vesperia crashing on me before (especially egregious with Vesperia: IT CRASHED ON THE FINAL BOSS!)

... This is a lovely start, isn't it?

Sigh... let's try again.

Okay, I got past where the game crashed, and apparently Rumple is still with us giving us tutorials since he just told me to put a box on one of the buttons to weigh it down.

.... Dear Sothis this game is boring.

I'm desperately trying to figure out what I can talk to you guys about, but this game is just so boring.

Uhhh... for whatever reason whenever you check out a hint sign the music restarts.

There are random chickens everywhere. No clue what they do, but apparently they're immune to my attacks.

Shrek is as tired of Rumple's tutorials as I am. Never thought I'd agree with Mike Meyers depressed Dracula with a cold, but here we are.

....IS THERE ANYTHING INTERESTING ABOUT THIS GAME?!

TANGLED WAS MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THIS GAME! TANGLED!

I wish I could manipulate the camera so I can see where I'm going.

I drowned Shrek twice. Death sounds more entertaining than this.

Thrice... four times.

I found Fiona randomly. And by Fiona I mean warrior Fiona even though Shrek doesn't see Fiona until way later.

With Fiona, you have to beat a bunch of poles with an axe using a slight rhythm game mechanic and I just wish that I was playing Project Mirai right now since Project Mirai is actually fun.

Also, Fiona didn't really do anything.

End of the level after some really boring crap.

Anyway, that's it for today. I'm really not liking this game so far.

Please save me.

[Emperor_Siegfried]

Is the next chapter the one with a flashback scene where we see Zelda turn into Shrek?

[Espurrhoodie]

7 minutes ago, Emperor_Siegfried said:

Is the next chapter the one with a flashback scene where we see Zelda turn into Shrek?

I'm tired even though it's 8:30 where I live so I deadass was going to say yes.

Please save me from this game.

[Eltosian Kadath]

7 hours ago, Espurrhoodie said:

Di...did the game just crash on me?

...That is a very bad sign. This isn't some rushed PC port, or a massively oversized and over bugged (*cough* Bethesda *cough*) game, or even some modern triple A they plan to patch up to completion after they have conned people into preordering; this is some tinny handheld/console shovelware game from a prepatch era. If they can't even keep it from crashing with the known consistent hardware of the DS to test with, they clearly didn't have the time to iron out other issues...

 

7 hours ago, Espurrhoodie said:

 

I found Fiona randomly. And by Fiona I mean warrior Fiona even though Shrek doesn't see Fiona until way later.

Do you think they were just too lazy to make two versions of Fiona, or does this game just not care about the movie's story.

 

7 hours ago, Espurrhoodie said:

Please save me.

What do you think

7 hours ago, Espurrhoodie said:

 

 

has been trying to do?

[Espurrhoodie]

8 hours ago, Eltosian Kadath said:

That is a very bad sign. This isn't some rushed PC port, or a massively oversized and over bugged (*cough* Bethesda *cough*) game, or even some modern triple A they plan to patch up to completion after they have conned people into preordering; this is some tinny handheld/console shovelware game from a prepatch era. If they can't even keep it from crashing with the known consistent hardware of the DS to test with, they clearly didn't have the time to iron out other issues...

Now I'm filled with even more dread.

 

8 hours ago, Eltosian Kadath said:

Do you think they were just too lazy to make two versions of Fiona, or does this game just not care about the movie's story.

I think the game doesn't even care.

 

8 hours ago, Eltosian Kadath said:

What do you think

16 hours ago, Espurrhoodie said:

 

 

has been trying to do?

Pepe has been trying to save me the entire time.

Actually, he mostly sits on my lap.

[Espurrhoodie]

Did you know that the English Vocaloids Sweet Ann, Big Al, Tonio, Prima, and Sonika had different designs on their boxart when they were released in Taiwan? I'm not sure why they were released in Taiwan, but let's look at these boxarts! I'm totally not trying to keep my sanity together and delay the inevitable! (Actually, this would fit the Mirai LP better, but let me restore my sanity, please)

Sweet Ann (Nightmare inducing original/Taiwan version) : Better than the original on a surface level, but she's missing the Bride of Frankenstein motif the original had. At least this version doesn't give me nightmares, though.

Big Al (Original/Taiwan) : maybe it's because I'm used to the original, but Taiwan Al looks weird. Probably because he doesn't have a Frankenstein's monster motif the original has.

Prima (Original/Taiwan) : I can't say much about the original since it's a stock image, but apparently Taiwan Prima is based on Chinese opera, which makes sense considering she was made for opera. I'm more partial to certain fan-designs for her. They fit her better.

Tonio (Original/Taiwan) : Same comment with Tonio's original boxart that I had with Prima's, but why is Taiwan Tonio a unicorn? Because that's clearly what I think of when I hear the word Opera: UNICORNS!

Sonika (Original/Taiwan) : She looks like a stripper version of Gumi in her Taiwan design.

......

Okay, fine.

Espurr goes through immense pain and suffering playing Shrek Forever After! (part 3)

So the memento I got in the last chapter takes up two squares on the power-up board, but I can't rotate it:

I guess it's so I can't cheat since you need five mementos on one line to fully unlock the powerup?

Anyway, I want to correct something I said last time: there is another game on this list that has issues with crashes. I won't say which one it is (especially since I remember it being consistent), but I'll tell you it when the time comes.

....Of course it's one of the shovelware games. Project Mirai actually has quality control even though I'm pretty sure none of you have heard of that game until I mentioned it.

Apparently I missed the crystal ball in the last level. I don't know where the instruction booklet for this game is, so I don't know what they do.

Anyway (I just realised I say "anyway" alot), after level 3, this is going to be blind.

Oh yeah, because I forgot since I was slowly dying on the inside, at the end of the last chapter, Shrek found a wanted poster with Fiona's face on it. Even though we saw her earlier.

....

This game is still as entertaining as math cla-

....

Shrek just said "What, are you really going to make me sit around during my last days doing nothing?"

... OUT OF ALL THE GAMES TO BREAK THE FOURTH WALL!

This game is still boring.

So... there's a puzzle where you have to press a bunch of buttons in a certain timespan. Shrek's image on the top screen cycles through a bunch of facial expressions. I failed that mission, and the image on the top screen changed to this:

Raw disappointment. Beautiful.

Anyway, witches are now some of the enemies.

I'm done with the level. I have no clue where the memento was supposed to be, though.

.... One more. I really want this game to be over. Or should I say... Ogre?

There are these annoying, constantly respawning witches at the start of the level that throw pumpkins. You're supposed to use these pumpkins to break some targets. The pumpkins deal TWO HEARTS worth of damage. Keep in mind, Shrek's max HP at this point if FIVE HEARTS!

Ugh.

It's hard to tell what water Shrek can walk in and what he can't.

It's offical. The most painful part of this game, aside from it being incredibly boring, is the fact I can't control the camera when platforming.

FUCK! I correctly completed a puzzle, accidentally drowned, and now I have to redo this puzzle.

And my dog farted. Lovely.

I found Fiona again. He's not supposed to meet her yet.

I coughed and Shrek roared.

End of level and area. There are two levels per area, so, if we're assuming that the devs are lying when they say "18 levels based on the movie", we're halfway done with the game.

I hope they're lying. Please save me.

[Eltosian Kadath]

2 hours ago, Espurrhoodie said:

 

Sweet Ann (Nightmare inducing original/Taiwan version) : Better than the original on a surface level, but she's missing the Bride of Frankenstein motif the original had. At least this version doesn't give me nightmares, though.

Big Al (Original/Taiwan) : maybe it's because I'm used to the original, but Taiwan Al looks weird. Probably because he doesn't have a Frankenstein's monster motif the original has.

Prima (Original/Taiwan) : I can't say much about the original since it's a stock image, but apparently Taiwan Prima is based on Chinese opera, which makes sense considering she was made for opera. I'm more partial to certain fan-designs for her. They fit her better.

Tonio (Original/Taiwan) : Same comment with Tonio's original boxart that I had with Prima's, but why is Taiwan Tonio a unicorn? Because that's clearly what I think of when I hear the word Opera: UNICORNS!

Sonika (Original/Taiwan) : She looks like a stripper version of Gumi in her Taiwan design.

Eh, I kinda like how the originals had more variable designs, the Taiwanese versions look like they could all come from the same anime/manga.

 

1 hour ago, Espurrhoodie said:

 

It's hard to tell what water Shrek can walk in and what he can't.

...Ugh that is obnoxious.

 

2 hours ago, Espurrhoodie said:

And my dog farted. Lovely.

He just wanted to make his opinion on the game known 😛

 

1 hour ago, Espurrhoodie said:

I coughed and Shrek roared.

Mic controls...

 

1 hour ago, Espurrhoodie said:

 

End of level and area. There are two levels per area, so, if we're assuming that the devs are lying when they say "18 levels based on the movie", we're halfway done with the game.

I hope they're lying. Please save me.

Here's hoping they don't have any extra levels not based on the movie...

[Espurrhoodie]

21 minutes ago, Eltosian Kadath said:

Eh, I kinda like how the originals had more variable designs, the Taiwanese versions look like they could all come from the same anime/manga.

Interestung to not is that Big Al's original boxart looked more like Sweet Ann's. I believe they changed it for three reasons:

A) Big Al's voice provider changed.

B) People not liking Sweet Ann's box.

C) The popularity of Hatsune Miku prompted them to make Al look a little more anime.

I like talking about Vocaloid.

29 minutes ago, Eltosian Kadath said:

...Ugh that is obnoxious.

It's trial and error, mostly.

 

30 minutes ago, Eltosian Kadath said:

He just wanted to make his opinion on the game known 😛

Please save me, pupper.

 

30 minutes ago, Eltosian Kadath said:

Here's hoping they don't have any extra levels not based on the movie...

Oh god.

[Dragoncat]

On 12/10/2019 at 5:45 PM, Emperor_Siegfried said:

Shrek Forever After, but every time Espurr gets creeped by the visuals, All Star by Smash Mouth plays.

Jokes on you I love that song so much.

[NinjaMonkey]

4 hours ago, Espurrhoodie said:

Please save me.

I would, but your suffering is so entertaining to read.

[Emperor_Siegfried]

12 hours ago, Espurrhoodie said:

... OUT OF ALL THE GAMES TO BREAK THE FOURTH WALL!

You expected less out of a Shrek game?  I was expecting him to say something like, "Let's get this ogrewith already!"

9 hours ago, Dragoncat said:

Jokes on you I love that song so much.

I was hoping that this LP would end up becoming a neverending series of links to the music video with that comment.  Looks like I should have gone with "but every time Espurr gets bored" instead.

[Espurrhoodie]

1 hour ago, Emperor_Siegfried said:

I was hoping that this LP would end up becoming a neverending series of links to the music video with that comment.  Looks like I should have gone with "but every time Espurr gets bored" instead.

Shrek Forever After but every time I complain about the game All Star by Smash Mouth plays.

[Espurrhoodie]

I was going to make another part, but my 2DS is having issues where when I turn it on, the blue light comes on but the rest of it doesn't.

Apparently even my DS doesn't want to play this game.

[Espurrhoodie]

Aight. I'm back. All I had to do was plug in my DS.

However, as I was connecting my keyboard to my tablet, my tablet froze.

EVEN MY TABLET WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS GAME!

Espurr goes through immense pain and suffering playing Shrek Forever After! (part 4)

Last time: Shrek got captured by witches serving Rumpel. And now he's in a cell.

Rumpel is still nightmare-ish to look at:

However, he has the best voice acting out of anyone in the game. Mostly because his VA sounds like he cares, but still.

Oh hey, Shrek called Rumpel "Rumpel". Glad to see I'm not the only one who doesn't want to say all of Rumpel's name.

Anyway, Rumpel summarizes what he did to the King and Queen and how he took away Shrek's birthday, therefore ensuring that Fiona wouldn't be saved and that the kingdom would be Rumpel's.

After some angry yelling from Shrek, we're booted into the gameplay.

We have to literally punch off the lock to Shrek's cell. Ow, Shrek's hand.

If I have to listen to the incredibly annoying voice of these witches I am going to go to Belhalla with Sigurd and his army.

Hearing the Shire theme in the background (my grandma has Return of the King on) reminds me of a better game I could be playing.

I had no idea Shrek could dash. I got the info on a sign.

WOULD HAVE BEEN REAL NICE TO KNOW THIS IN THE TUTORIAL, GAME!

Wait, one of the witches mentioned something about how this (Shrek) can't be the ogre Rumpel warned them about and how the one ogre they're thinking about is locked up in a jail.

They said that line in one of the earlier levels.

Before Shrek got captured.

....

Did the devs even care for consistency/context or did they just program all of the lines to be said at random?

It's not like they'd be talking about Fiona either since we've already seen Fiona at least twice.

Okay, that's just mildly infuriating, one of the mechanics is pulling/pushing boxes, and, like in most action-adventure games, I figured that if I grabbed the box from behind, I could pull it by pushing up.

NOPE!

Up is exclusively push and down is exclusively pull.

I knocked a witch into water and it instantly died.

The push and pull thing I talked about earlier doesn't change if you're pulling boxes from the side, you have to use up and down to push and pull.

I feel dirty after doing that.

End of level. No idea where the memento or the crystal ball are.

Donkey is here. And his VA is doing an impression of a zombie Eddie Murphy. Unsurprisingly, Donkey looks hideous (he looks blurry because he was seizuring all over the place) :

Bizzarely, Donkey seemingly recognizes Shrek.

Let's do the next level.

I drowned Shrek.

Twice.

I feel like I'd get more enjoyment out of watching the new Cats movie.

I found the memento. It's Farquad's deed to the swamp.

End of the level.

Next we have to go to where Fiona's tower is an-

....

THERE ARE FOUR LEVELS IN THIS NEXT AREA!

FOUR!

....

What have I done in a past life to deserve such agony.

[Dragoncat]

6 minutes ago, Espurrhoodie said:

I drowned Shrek.

Twice.

Don't you love swamp levels?

[Espurrhoodie]

1 minute ago, Dragoncat said:

Don't you love swamp levels?

This was in Rumpel's dongeon.

[Dragoncat]

1 minute ago, Espurrhoodie said:

This was in Rumpel's dongeon.

Oh, then flooded prison levels? Yikes.

[Espurrhoodie]

1 minute ago, Dragoncat said:

Oh, then flooded prison levels? Yikes.

I'd say more like a sewer system, but yeah.

[Eltosian Kadath]

3 hours ago, Espurrhoodie said:

 

Rumpel is still nightmare-ish to look at:

His face is too low on his...body? Its like he somehow has a negative length neck, and then his legs... the thighs are far too short for the length of those shins. Each of the parts look fine, but together they just look horrifying.

 

3 hours ago, Espurrhoodie said:

However, he has the best voice acting out of anyone in the game. Mostly because his VA sounds like he cares, but still.

Sounds like an example of what one of my favorite terrible movie podcast (well technically video game movie podcast, but the too are so frequently the same) coined it, the Billy Zane effect, where the one actor/voice actor that actually cares, despite everyone knowing it will be bad, absolutely steals the show.

 

3 hours ago, Espurrhoodie said:

 

Up is exclusively push and down is exclusively pull.

The amount of stupid in this one design decision...it hurt brains.

 

3 hours ago, Espurrhoodie said:

 

Donkey is here. And his VA is doing an impression of a zombie Eddie Murphy. Unsurprisingly, Donkey looks hideous (he looks blurry because he was seizuring all over the place) :

All right this is one of those so bad that its funny moments. I can't help but laugh at it, they didn't even pretend to try.

[Espurrhoodie]

7 hours ago, Eltosian Kadath said:

His face is too low on his...body? Its like he somehow has a negative length neck, and then his legs... the thighs are far too short for the length of those shins. Each of the parts look fine, but together they just look horrifying.

It's possible that the reason he looks like that is because of the camera angle.

 

7 hours ago, Eltosian Kadath said:

Sounds like an example of what one of my favorite terrible movie podcast (well technically video game movie podcast, but the too are so frequently the same) coined it, the Billy Zane effect, where the one actor/voice actor that actually cares, despite everyone knowing it will be bad, absolutely steals the show.

A bit like Raul Julia's performance is Street Fighter, I guess. (I've heard that his M. Bison is the sole redeeming quality about that movie).

 

7 hours ago, Eltosian Kadath said:

The amount of stupid in this one design decision...it hurt brains.

Like... why didn't they make it so Shrek pushed/pulled depending on what angle you pressed on the D-pad.

 

7 hours ago, Eltosian Kadath said:

All right this is one of those so bad that its funny moments. I can't help but laugh at it, they didn't even pretend to try.

He looks like he got stung by a bee.

[Emperor_Siegfried]

Yeeeeah it lives!  Much to my personal enjoyment at least.  Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe........

On 12/29/2019 at 7:53 AM, Espurrhoodie said:

He looks like he got stung by a bee.

SHREK AND BEE MOVIE IN THE SAME UNIVERSE CONFIRMED???????????????

[Espurrhoodie]

10 minutes ago, Emperor_Siegfried said:

Yeeeeah it lives!  Much to my personal enjoyment at least.  Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe........

SHREK AND BEE MOVIE IN THE SAME UNIVERSE CONFIRMED???????????????

Glad you enjoy my pain and suffering.

[Espurrhoodie]

I had a dream about watching reviews for Shrek 5 last night. I don't remember anything other than that apparently it was worse than Shrek the Third and had this game's graphics. Actually, do we know anything about Shrek 5?

I got curious and looked up if I could find anything regarding the crystal balls in this game. I couldn't find anything other than a bunch of questions asking where the crystal balls are in certain chapters, but I did find out that, yeah, I have at least 6 more levels of suffering.

D...do you guys actually want me to get all the crystal balls even though the reward for them is probably on par with the massive korok turd in BOTW? I think (and this is pure speculation on my part since I don't know what they do and if the instruction booklet for this game told me what they did, I'd still have no idea since I don't know where it is other than that it's still in the case and I don't know where my grandma put the cases for these games) they're like the Comet Medals from Mario Galaxy where they unlock harder versions of those levels.

Anyway, let's get on with it:

Espurr goes through immense pain and suffering playing Shrek Forever After! (part 5)

Whenever I start the game back up, it boots my starting position to world 1. I hate it. At least I don't need to replay the game, but it still sucks.

Anyway, I collected four mementos with one taking up two spaces! I can now defeat enemies quicker with my punches! I'm not bothering with magnetism since I'm 90% sure that ability is going to be useless, but doing more damage with my ground-pound sounds nice as a next goal!

.... I can't believe I said the word "nice" regarding this game. Ugh. Anyway.

...was... there some sort of error?:

I defeated two required enemies, so something should have happened here, namely, those two spears moving out of my way so I could place a box on one of those flames and extinguish them.

Did... I encounter a glitch?

Let's reset and see if I can fix this.

NOPE!

The only thing that happens when you defeat the guards is the box appearing.

Uh... guys?

WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

Nevermind, there was a switch I couldn't see that was supposed to get rid of the spears.

Shame, I was wishing I could call off this game.

It's the return of the shitty push and pull mechanics!

I found Puss randomly. His minigame involves climbing a wall to collect as many hourglasses as he can within the timelimit.

I drowned Shrek in lava.

Oh hey! My first death that doesn't involve drowning Shrek because this puzzle is a complete pain in my ass! You're supposed to grab this pumpking that will explode in 35 seconds and throw it at a target while the platform you're on spews fireballs under you (which, by the way, HAVE INSANE REACH!) which causes you to get hurt and drop the exploding pumpkin! And by "drop" I mean, YEET INTO OBLIVION!

Okay, I figured out what you're supposed to do, there are these divits you're supposed to hide in while the fireballs spew one by one so you don't get hurt.

Hitting the targets causes platforms to appear.

These guards suck. They just sit around as Shrek kills their friends.

End of the level. No idea where the memento was. Maybe they aren't in all of the levels?

This shit took me 23 minutes. Ugh.

Next level!

The crystal ball was at the beginning of the chapter this time.

Uhh, Shrek? You came to the tower to find Fiona, right?

SHE'S RIGHT FRICKIN' HERE!:

Now that's what I call a plothole!

AGH! I DIED AND NOW I HAVE TO RESTART THIS AREA!

Fact: Fiona's rhythm game gives me an aneurysm. Seriously, the programming with this minigame sucks. Although it doesn't give me as much of one as a certain song in Mirai...

AND I DIED AGAIN!

End of this level. Yay!

That's all for today, folks!