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[analysis] how much blood is in your fave's mouth right now?


Integrity
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The task is simple: a lot of these heroes are screaming, shouting, or emitting war cries when they swing their axes, swords, bows, or Lilina. But we've all seen anime, and we know blood is super high-pressure from all the traditional American hamburgers everyone eats - so how is this in any way sanitary to lop a guy's arm off but keep your mouth open?

 

It isn't. Duh.

 

ASSUMPTIONS

  • All attacks are assumed to be made in melee range. While this is not truly realistic, all units can either counter in melee or equip Close Counter, so it's possible to assume.
  • All attacks produce a perfectly spherical, frictionless spray of blood from the point of impact, which will be estimated from the attack vector of the art. If a vector of attack cannot be estimated from the art, the assumption will be from the sternum of an equally-sized person.
    • Corollary: the target will always be assumed to be approximately the size of the attacker.
  • All weapons are treated the same for the purposes of blood spray for simplicity of analysis. This is a distinct simplification, as it could be argued that e.g. Merric's wind produces far less blood spray than e.g. Cain's sword.
  • Skills and stats have no impact on the blood spray. Again, this is a simplification, as Matthew's complete inability to deal damage would certainly affect the amount of blood sprayed at him.

 

Heroes will be ranked into tiers based on how much blood or miscellaneous person life-force is likely to get in their mouth, and will also be ranked within those tiers and tiebroken by our ancient friend the alphabet. The list will be released roughly alphabetically, with additions in new posts as well as edited into the master list.

 

Hajime.

 

Spoiler

HOLY SHIT, THAT’S A LOT OF BLOOD

Alfonse: Spring Prince: He’s going for the guy’s neck or head and his mouth is open more than mine could ever possibly be. This man is going to swallow a Goddamn kidney when it flies out of the giblets of his target.

Amelia: Rose of the War: That’s a wide-open mouth and a very shoulder-level swing, young lady.

Azama: Carefree Monk: By punching me, the viewer, directly in the head, he is creating a perfect spatter to not only go into his open mouth, but for extra to be deflected by his badly placed second hand. Idiot. Move the hand and go down a tier.

A GOBLETFUL

Alm: Saint-King: Shooting at mouth level and keeping an open mouth is a recipe for disaster! However, fortunately, Alm’s mouth is small and his collar should help deflect some.

A DECENT SPATTER

Altina: Dawn’s Trueblade: While her teeth are gritted, the double impact caused by Steel Sword and Steel Sword will produce double the spray and double the risk. Think before you attack.

Azura: Celebratory Spirit: A middle blow and an open mouth combine for a middle performance.

Arvis: Emperor of Flame: The mouth is open and the attack is shoulder high, but he is saved by the general smallness of his mouth.

SOME DROPLETS

Alm: Imperial Ascent: Slicing for the shoulder and a small, yet open, mouth should produce a tier or two higher, but the large furry collar on the cape should absorb a good portion of it.

Abel: The Panther: His attack is aimed for center mass, and his mouth is largely closed but is also angled towards the point of impact. It’s not likely that he will have much but a gross aftertaste of iron.

Arthur: Hapless Hero: Not even gritted teeth can help against the wideness of this man’s mouth, combined with the high angle of attack.

Alm: Hero of Prophecy: He appears to be chopping the forehead off of a man from above, producing the ideal angle, but gritted teeth will shield most of his sensitiveness.

Ares: Black Knight: Low angle of attack and gritted teeth creates a good situation, but he is looking down towards his own point of impact.

Alfonse: Prince of Askr: Lower-center mass and gritted teeth means that very little if anything will get into the young prince’s gullet.

Ayra: Astra’s Wielder: Overhead swing with an open mouth? Sounds like a high tier thing! However, her mouth is so fricken tiny where did her mouth go seriously

Aversa: Dark One: Lips barely parted, but high angle of attack. Something is likely to get in, plus she’s probably gonna try to catch some of the blood like fucking snowflakes because she’s weird.

Azura: Lady of Ballads: Open mouth and indistinguishable vector of attack, but her mouth protection should catch the majority of it.

Azura: Vallite Songstress: Compensating for her open mouth, Azura is facing almost entirely away from the target, making it unlikely but possible that she catches a few drops.

NADA

Azura: Young Songstress: I cannot tell if the dot is meant to be open or closed. Assuming closed, she’s facing straight on but protecting her face with her lips and is unlikely to catch blood.

Azura: Lady of the Lake: Indistinguishable vector of attack, closed mouth. Unlikely to suffer.

Arden: Strong and Tough: While his teeth are gritted, he is also well behind his shield, which is between him and the predicted point of sword impact.

Astram: Midia’s Hero: Though his mouth is open and he is leaning forward into a low-angle thrust, Astram is a consummate professional and will catch all of the blood on his trusty shield every time.

Athena: Borderland Sword: Low attack, arm up to block, closed mouth. Ideal.

Anna: Commander: Practical. Closed mouth, head turned away.

 

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The implication that it is strictly optimal to get minimal blood in your mouth is cowardice, and betrays the feeble American fighting spirit. The true berserker aims for the lower end of the Decent Spatter tier.

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4 minutes ago, Parrhesia said:

The implication that it is strictly optimal to get minimal blood in your mouth is cowardice, and betrays the feeble American fighting spirit. 

if you eat all of the blood, no one else can see how much blood you spilled, which can lead to inaccurate medical diagnoses. we like doctors and field medics too much to give them guesswork, even enemies

you're just trying to get rid of all the blood so it doesn't get censored in australia 

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12 minutes ago, Captain Karnage said:

Uselessness - can be found when summoning on colorless stones

You have not played enough Aether Raids.

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It isn't her fault she can't wait until the meat is cooked and has to eat it raw! -Said Ilyana.

Also, Orsian only has blood in his mouth because he has one heckuva bitten tongue from all his name and axe name tweaks. He can't help it he has had to try to familiarize himself with so many words for the same things.

Edited by Interdimensional Observer
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Tana keeps her mouth closed and also seems to be aiming slightly low, pretty good. Her Summer version doesn't fare as well, having her mouth open, but she doesn't open it all that wide and seems to be leaning slightly away while getting some cover from her tome, so she should avoid the worst of it. She's also got a huge bathtowel that could absorb some blood.

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