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Song of Oblivion Feedback

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This is the feedback for the story, I would like positive feedback and what I could do to improve. Also I'll be posting every Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

Please follow the story topic for updates

Edited by PeonyofLeosa Dreamworld

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So I think I mentioned it before I found what you have for your story interesting so far, but I'm curious, what kind of continent is it set on? On top of that, what kind of races and mechanics are you thinking of? IE: Manaketes/Taguel, Laguz, ECT.

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You only seem to have a few characters so far, and kinda bare bones descriptions at that. Some more info on the setting would be nice. What countries exist, how do they operate? What landmarks and terrain does each country have? How do the countries interact with each other? Is there a dark cult like the Agarthans/slithers that they all have to fight? Who's the protagonist and antagonist?

But since you posted bios, I'd like to plug my 2nd gen 3H. "Everybody lives" AU.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Z9743GsK0Cq8u1rV7nzXDyP6wdpohhvgxMyK2DJuHFY/edit?usp=sharing

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18 hours ago, Dragoncat said:

Who's the protagonist

There isn't a Byleth character I kind of thought what if three houses didn't have Byleth and got the idea. The four lords are the main protagonists

Edited by PeonyofLeosa Dreamworld

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1 hour ago, PeonyofLeosa Dreamworld said:

There isn't a Byleth character I kind of thought what if three houses didn't have Byleth and got the idea. The four lords are the main protagonists

Doesn't answer any of my other questions. All of these things need to be decided.

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Just posted the history of Banbha it might be a tad much to read and might be a tad bit confusing. But also would like positive feedback on what I could make better.

Also to answer @Sir Wolfram of Vallora 

the races I plan on including are:

Manaketes

Demons

Bakeneko

Swan Maidens 

Tengu - the same as the Swan Maidens except they turn into Brown Swans while the female turn into White Swans

Onikuma

Tanuki 

 

Edited by PeonyofLeosa Dreamworld

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2 hours ago, PeonyofLeosa Dreamworld said:

Just posted the history of Banbha it might be a tad much to read and might be a tad bit confusing. But also would like positive feedback on what I could make better.

Also to answer @Sir Wolfram of Vallora 

the races I plan on including are:

Manaketes

Demons

Bakeneko

Swan Maidens 

Tengu - the same as the Swan Maidens except they turn into Brown Swans while the female turn into White Swans

Onikuma

Tanuki 

 

Nice. I like the variety, although I can't imagine how useful a swan would be in combat. Then again, I've seen plenty of angrery geese, so maybe they would be effective in some way.

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17 minutes ago, Sir Wolfram of Vallora said:

Nice. I like the variety, although I can't imagine how useful a swan would be in combat. Then again, I've seen plenty of angrery geese, so maybe they would be effective in some way.

They sound vaguely similar to Heron Laguz.  But I'm not really sure how all these different races will fit into a Three Houses-like system.

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1 hour ago, Von Ithipathachai said:

They sound vaguely similar to Heron Laguz.  But I'm not really sure how all these different races will fit into a Three Houses-like system.

Each of their classes excel in a certain weapon besides their stones.

Swan Maiden/Tengu - Wind Magic: Their ancestor was gifted by Alizeh with enchanted wings that would allow them to utilize wind magic as a form of fighting.

Bakeneko - Brawling: When they can' t transform that's when the claws and fists come out.

Onikuma - Axe: Onikuma are known for using axes for breaking stone or when being ambushed.

Tanuki - Sword(Kind of got this idea from Raphtalia from Rising of Shield Hero) They utilize their high speed to attack enemies with swift sword attacks when their stones have run out of power.

Demon - Dagger : Demons utilize their abilities to not be seen and throw daggers from afar.

Manakete - Light Magic: Manaketes were taught Light magic by Anath as a way to guide the humans to peace and heal their own or to destroy those born of malice.

Edited by PeonyofLeosa Dreamworld

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I have read your plot synopsis. The only non human race you mention is the manaketes, how do the others fit in? And the four demigod girls, what are they doing now? Are they working to help bring back their father? Being worshipped by humans, and working to keep their father in the past where he belongs? Or a combo of the two with each one having their own views? Who was the mother, and what about her made this god fall for her? Was she a warrior priestess or something? Think about how Byleth's mom is described, very briefly but we can gather from what Jeralt says about her, why she was so special and why he loved her.

I think your non human races using the human weapons would be an effective masquerade deal. Think of Rhea using magic until she's really pissed and takes dragon form. Something like that.

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On 1/10/2020 at 2:42 PM, Dragoncat said:

I have read your plot synopsis. The only non human race you mention is the manaketes, how do the others fit in? And the four demigod girls, what are they doing now? Are they working to help bring back their father? Being worshipped by humans, and working to keep their father in the past where he belongs? Or a combo of the two with each one having their own views? Who was the mother, and what about her made this god fall for her? Was she a warrior priestess or something? Think about how Byleth's mom is described, very briefly but we can gather from what Jeralt says about her, why she was so special and why he loved her.

I think your non human races using the human weapons would be an effective masquerade deal. Think of Rhea using magic until she's really pissed and takes dragon form. Something like that.

Thanks I'll have to redo it then and implement them in 

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On 1/13/2020 at 6:22 AM, PeonyofLeosa Dreamworld said:

History of Banbha:

Long ago, the land of Banbha was ruled by eight races: the Humans, the Manaketes, the Demons, the Tanuki, the Onikuma, the Bakeneko, the Swan Maidens, and the Tengu. There was peace between them for a hundred years, yet over the hundred years the eight clans began to fear each other, as the years went on some of the clans began to form alliances with others to take the others out. This fear would eventually lead to the war referred to as the War of the Eight, this war would continue on for 5 years until it was brought to an end as Banbha had run out of life. Banbha was dying, yet the eight clans still wanted to continue their fight for total control of the land that’s when the children of the eight leaders decided that the war needed to end so that Banbha could live and their clans wouldn’t die out. The children prayed to the heavens and hoped that someone would answer their prayers that someone would make this war stop… as they began to lose hope, their prayers were answered. From the heavens descended four all powerful gods: Anath - The Mother of All Life, Vulcan - King of Fire and Warcraft, Isis - Queen of the Skies and Stars, and Thoth - The Father of Magic. The gods brought and end to the war and  restored Banbha back to life, the gods gave the eight clans gifts to prevent the land from ever dying out again. The gods kept watch over Banbha in particular Thoth, for he had fallen in love with a human priestess by the name of Krista, she was beautiful and always kind to the other seven clans. Thoth decided that he would disguise himself and meet her, so he did and when he laid eyes upon her he knew that she was the one meant for him…

The two would eventually grow closer and eventually married, from their love they bore four beautiful daughters and a son. Thoth and Krista were happy because they had a family, and were deeply in love but that happiness was destroyed due to the growing feeling of greed and jealousy…

Krista was killed by a clansman from one of the eight clans this drove Thoth to insanity, filling him with grief, anger, and sadness. Thoth eventually found an ally in a woman who knew the pain he felt and with her help raised an army and declared war on the eight clans… This woman was referred to as the Dark Empress of Exordia. The clans were unprepared for the war, they were then enslaved and soon this gave birth to the Exordia Empire. The darkness that began to befall the land, spread until Banbha was consumed and the clans hope was crushed. 

Yet, wherever there was despair there was also hope…

From the darkness, they rose bringing hope to the clans once more. They were called the Divine Heroes each hailing from one of the eight clans:

Alexander : Boonie King of Salvation

Harmonia: Blazing Dragon Saint

Odette: White Swan Queen

Azazel: Hellish Trickster

Ariella: Lioness Queen

Auberon: Black Bear King

Saburo: Crimson Sky King

Alfred: Swift Striker

These eight heroes were given weapons to put an end to Thoth and the darkness he had spread throughout the world… 

The war began between the Divine Heroes against the Dark Empress and Thoth, 

But then something happened, something that drove Thoth even more insane…

His daughters and son betrayed him 

They took up arms against him, hoping to change his mind and end the war 

 The heroes brought an end to the dark god's tyranny and then sealed him away. Light shone over Banbha once more and from on then there was peace for eternity.

The four daughters now known as the Four Priestesses of Harmony, aided in the restoration of Banbha. Each year they would put on a performance combining all of their powers into one and heal Banbha, this performance was called the Song of Restoration. To honor the priestesses, the Divine Heroes created the Festival of Four. This Festival would lead to the birth of a new alliance between the eight clans.

Born from the new alliance between the eight clans 

The Humans were given eight kingdoms 

The Manaketes were given an Empire

The Swan Maidens/Tengu were given a kingdom in the forests.

The Bakeneko/Onikuma/Tanuki were given a kingdom in the mountains.

And the Demons were given a kingdom in the deserts

 

But, many years from now the dark god will return and he will have his revenge...

I just read through what you put down in the main topic, and I like what you have. These are all good ideas and I like where it's going. This all makes for a good setup, and if made a little less expositiony and set as an opening narration, this would do great help to let everyone get a chanve to know the story. Overall, you have some really good ideas. I hope to hear more. 

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So I am currently working on this and may have changed a few things

In progress:

Prologue, Ch1, Ch2, and Ch3

Currently completed:

Main P and Lords

Houses and Characters

Classes and Skills

Wondering if someone wanted to draw some of the characters if your not busy atm?

 

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Hey, you've done a lot of work here! I always thought it would be fun if Byleth had a dragon form, like your "Byleth" is a manakete.

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2 hours ago, PeonyofLeosa Dreamworld said:

Well Alain in terms of story-wise is similar to Byleth however character wise their different Alain is a fully speaking male protagonist

@Dragoncat

Even better.

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