Post a fact about the person above! 2.0 Edition

[𝐍𝐲𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐥]

Is correct

From what I've heard it's pretty challenging

[Sooks]

Heard things.

[Sidereal Wraith]

The Emperor watches over him in times of great need.

[null]

19 hours ago, Sooks said:

Hears things.

 

[Sooks]

Writes things.

16 hours ago, Wraith said:

The Emperor watches over him in times of great need.

Is he gonna help?

[null]

Would perhaps not mind too much if I asked a favor of him.

[Sooks]

Is correct unless the favor crosses a line, but is a good person so that is irrelevant.

[null]

Will know that I would really appreciate if you might take a quick look at something I've written for a competition. I wouldn't have asked here if it weren't for the fact that I couldn't ask anywhere there since it would ruin the anonymity of the entries.

If it's too much to ask, I understand. No problem at all.

[Sooks]

Will have his favor granted if he wants it.

I don’t know if I’m the best person to ask but I will try.

[null]

Well, here goes. It's not finished, but it's most of the way there. I'm not aiming for any word length, just something that feels complete. The prompt is rain.

Spoiler

The light pattering of rain on the roof was only a mild comfort in her absence. In a way, the sounds of water hitting the metal roof reminded him of her voice. An odd comparison indeed. One that he couldn’t even explain, but it didn’t matter. The ponderous silence of the house was his only companion anymore on days when the rain didn’t provide a break in the quiet atmosphere.

The way he looked reflected how miserable he had felt for the past month. He hadn’t shaved, only showered when absolutely necessary, and had developed the habit of wearing the same clothes over and over without cleaning them. As chaotic as he was in his behavior, his home was in even greater disarray. Plates, bags, and other trash littered the counters and living spaces, layers of dust remained on nearly every shelf and corner of the place. On appearances alone, you might suppose the home’s owner to be some do-nothing lay-about. But really, the poor sap couldn’t be blamed for wallowing in his own melancholy.

Just a month before, the shell that lagged about his home anymore was a clean-cut, active guy. Diligent. Hopeful. Would’ve stayed that way had his beloved wife not been stolen from him. No, she didn’t end up with some other man. Nor did she leave of her own accord. In the prime of his and her life—what should’ve been their best years together—Fate had to go and claim her life with its merciless hands.

It would’ve been tolerable had they both gone together, so one didn’t have to stay behind and bear the loss of the other, but no. Fate cared not for convenience when a radiant soul was taken in a car accident that Thursday evening.

The funeral had come and gone as quickly as the accident itself, but the emotions that followed struck her husband like a blow from behind. Both he and the family had known it would be difficult, but life seemed to become a twisted limbo after she left.

Memories of the instants before, during, and after the accident would rush through his mind in every waking moment, and the nights were consumed with the same agony when he wasn’t jolted awake from night terrors. In his dreams, he would vividly imagine himself with his hand clasped in hers as they made their way down Route 313 like they had so many times before. Some light rain would begin to fall on the windshield as they neared their neighborhood, and some sweet nothings would be passed back and forth between the young couple every now and then. The moon would steadily rise as it had every time.

But the fleeting bliss would always end in the same way. A flash. A scream. Pain. All followed by darkness. In reality, he had found himself awake in the blinding light of a hospital room an hour or so after the crash, but these nightmares would send him flailing awake in a cold sweat, grasping around the sheets of his bed—no, their bed—for the warmth he had grown used to.

This excruciating cycle through every night had caused him to dread the evening hours. Mug after mug of stale coffee and energy drinks would be downed in vain to avoid the agony of seeing her go again. As simple or foolish as it may have seemed, his spirit had been broken enough times that he was willing to try anything to stop himself from reliving the pain. Bloodshot eyes would stare through the blackness of his room at the window in hopes that the morning dawn would come quickly. But before long, both sleep and sorrow would take over.

Thanks so much. You have my greatest appreciation.

[Sooks]

Wrote something really really really good.

Spoiler

“The funeral had come and gone as quickly as the accident itself, but the emotions that followed struck her husband like a blow from behind.” What is the comparison here? A blow from behind makes me think of a surprise. I would use that for her death, but not the accompanying emotions. Although everyone is different, so something like that might happen to someone.

“Some light rain would begin to fall on the windshield as they neared their neighborhood, and some sweet nothings would be passed back and forth between the young couple every now andthen. The moon would steadily rise as it had every time.

But the fleeting bliss would always end in the same way. Aflash. A scream. Pain. All followed by darkness.” It starts raining right before she dies but rain is still comforting? I wouldn’t use rain like that, because it’s just then sort of a background element, when I feel like it has the potential to be a motif here. If I may, I would rewrite the first paragraph like (and I’m just tweaking your wording to show the idea, I’m no writer so I’m not saying this is better)  “The light pattering of rain on the roof served as a painful reminder of her absence. The only sounds that broke the ponderous silence were like that of the universe weeping with him, creating a dreary atmosphere that only increased his sorrow.” The goal is to try to use rain to symbolize his grief, instead of comfort, because none of the rest of this is really about comfort if that makes sense. Then, to further the new rain motif, I would change the part I quoted before like this: “In his dreams, he would vividly imagine himself with his handclasped in hers as they made their way down Route 313 like they had so many times before. Some light rain clouds could be seen peaking over the horizon as some sweet nothings would be passedback and forth between the young couple every now andthen. The sun would steadily wane as it had every time.

But the fleeting bliss would always end in the same way. Aflash. A scream. Pain. All followed by darkness and rain.” The first thing I did was cut out the line about a light rain starting to fall, switching that that out for rain clouds appearing on the horizon, nothing happening yet but it would soon. Then, I switched the line about the moon appearing for the sun slowly becoming less visible, because the sun is hardly out when it rains and that’s one of the reasons why some people don’t like rain, it blocks out the light. A fading sun would further that purpose, I think, especially if I can find a place to compare the old days to the sun or sunlight... I think something like this might work: “Just a month before, the shell that lagged about his home anymore was a clean-cut, active guy. Diligent. Hopeful. Radiant, like the sun who’s light bathed his life. Would’ve stayed that way had his beloved wife not been stolen from him. No, she didn’t end up with some other man. Nor did she leave of her own accord. In the prime of his and her life—what should’ve been their best years together—Fate had to go and claim her life with itsmerciless hands.” Something like that might work (you can probably find a better one, this is a really really really good piece of writing), because the rain is more often associated with an absence of sun then with the presence of the moon. But anyway, the last thing I did was add rain to the bottom when he’s talking about the bad things that followed. “But the fleeting bliss would always end in the same way. Aflash. A scream. Pain. All followed by darkness and rain.” It is worth noting that I can’t decide where exactly rain fits in the best here, I could see it as also substituting for the word darkness or being added to the list of things (“A flash. A scream. Pain. Rain. (Although that rhyme kinda ruins the sound, maybe pain needs a synonym in that case)). Now you can do too different things with the ending, sorrowful or hopeful. I would do a very light touch of hope at the end but that comes from my personal experience and not the theme you’re trying to communicate with this story, which is more sorrowful, so I think you might like that better. But depending on what you want, you could either write “Bloodshot eyes would stare through the blackness of his room at the window in hopes that the morning dawn would come quickly. But before long, both sleep and sorrow would take over. Yet even still, a tiny part of him hoped for a rainbow.” (hopeful) OR “Bloodshot eyes would stare through the blackness of his room at the window in hopes that the morning dawn would come quickly. But he would only ever see rain.” (Sorrowful).

I think those changes use rain well to work with the theme/feeling of the story, which I personally like a lot. It’s your choice whether or not you want to implement them though. But don’t get me wrong, this story is already insanely good, it made me think of my own loss. You did a great job at putting this to words. It was phenomenal.

@twilitfalchion

[null]

24 minutes ago, Sooks said:

Wrote something really really really good.

  Reveal hidden contents

“The funeral had come and gone as quickly as the accident itself, but the emotions that followed struck her husband like a blow from behind.” What is the comparison here? A blow from behind makes me think of a surprise. I would use that for her death, but not the accompanying emotions. Although everyone is different, so something like that might happen to someone.

“Some light rain would begin to fall on the windshield as they neared their neighborhood, and some sweet nothings would be passed back and forth between the young couple every now andthen. The moon would steadily rise as it had every time.

But the fleeting bliss would always end in the same way. Aflash. A scream. Pain. All followed by darkness.” It starts raining right before she dies but rain is still comforting? I wouldn’t use rain like that, because it’s just then sort of a background element, when I feel like it has the potential to be a motif here. If I may, I would rewrite the first paragraph like (and I’m just tweaking your wording to show the idea, I’m no writer so I’m not saying this is better)  “The light pattering of rain on the roof served as a painful reminder of her absence. The only sounds that broke the ponderous silence were like that of the universe weeping with him, creating a dreary atmosphere that only increased his sorrow.” The goal is to try to use rain to symbolize his grief, instead of comfort, because none of the rest of this is really about comfort if that makes sense. Then, to further the new rain motif, I would change the part I quoted before like this: “In his dreams, he would vividly imagine himself with his handclasped in hers as they made their way down Route 313 like they had so many times before. Some light rain clouds could be seen peaking over the horizon as some sweet nothings would be passedback and forth between the young couple every now andthen. The sun would steadily wane as it had every time.

But the fleeting bliss would always end in the same way. Aflash. A scream. Pain. All followed by darkness and rain.” The first thing I did was cut out the line about a light rain starting to fall, switching that that out for rain clouds appearing on the horizon, nothing happening yet but it would soon. Then, I switched the line about the moon appearing for the sun slowly becoming less visible, because the sun is hardly out when it rains and that’s one of the reasons why some people don’t like rain, it blocks out the light. A fading sun would further that purpose, I think, especially if I can find a place to compare the old days to the sun or sunlight... I think something like this might work: “Just a month before, the shell that lagged about his home anymore was a clean-cut, active guy. Diligent. Hopeful. Radiant, like the sun who’s light bathed his life. Would’ve stayed that way had his beloved wife not been stolen from him. No, she didn’t end up with some other man. Nor did she leave of her own accord. In the prime of his and her life—what should’ve been their best years together—Fate had to go and claim her life with itsmerciless hands.” Something like that might work (you can probably find a better one, this is a really really really good piece of writing), because the rain is more often associated with an absence of sun then with the presence of the moon. But anyway, the last thing I did was add rain to the bottom when he’s talking about the bad things that followed. “But the fleeting bliss would always end in the same way. Aflash. A scream. Pain. All followed by darkness and rain.” It is worth noting that I can’t decide where exactly rain fits in the best here, I could see it as also substituting for the word darkness or being added to the list of things (“A flash. A scream. Pain. Rain. (Although that rhyme kinda ruins the sound, maybe pain needs a synonym in that case)). Now you can do too different things with the ending, sorrowful or hopeful. I would do a very light touch of hope at the end but that comes from my personal experience and not the theme you’re trying to communicate with this story, which is more sorrowful, so I think you might like that better. But depending on what you want, you could either write “Bloodshot eyes would stare through the blackness of his room at the window in hopes that the morning dawn would come quickly. But before long, both sleep and sorrow would take over. Yet even still, a tiny part of him hoped for a rainbow.” (hopeful) OR “Bloodshot eyes would stare through the blackness of his room at the window in hopes that the morning dawn would come quickly. But he would only ever see rain.” (Sorrowful).

I think those changes use rain well to work with the theme/feeling of the story, which I personally like a lot. It’s your choice whether or not you want to implement them though. But don’t get me wrong, this story is already insanely good, it made me think of my own loss. You did a great job at putting this to words. It was phenomenal.

@twilitfalchion

Will know that he has my deepest thanks for giving very useful advice and thoughts.

It's incredibly useful. Thanks again.

Oh, and I'm so sorry. That was thoughtless of me to ask you to read this considering what happened to you not long ago. I don't know why I didn't think of that.

[Sooks]

Should know that if I didn’t like where it was going I would have stopped. From my perspective it feels like forever ago, so it’s really not a problem. I promise.

44 minutes ago, twilitfalchion said:

Will know that he has my deepest thanks for giving very useful advice and thoughts.

It's incredibly useful. Thanks again.

You’re welcome. I’m glad I was actually able to be useful despite it ultimately being a nitpick and a way to better incorporate rain imo from a person who doesn’t know much about critiquing writing.

Edited April 23, 2021 by Sooks

[Sidereal Wraith]

Is Sooks.

[Sooks]

Probably does not have a brother named Luigi.

[Sidereal Wraith]

Probably doesn’t have a brother named Mario.

[Benice]

Is unlikely to be a Plumber.

Edited April 23, 2021 by Benice

[Sooks]

24 minutes ago, Benice said:

Is unlikely to be a Plumber.

 

[Robert Stewart]

Quote posted.

[null]

Did not.

[Robert Stewart]

Watches more anime than I do.

[Benice]

4 minutes ago, Robert Stewart said:

Watches more anime than I do.

 

[Robert Stewart]

Made a bold assertion.

[Sooks]

Made a post.

[Benice]

Would have watched more anime than me if he's watched one.

Ninja'd but it still works.

Edited April 23, 2021 by Benice