Aspiring author seeking critique

[Aedan7479]

Good day to all,

As the title states, I am an aspiring author seeking critique; before I write an original work, I am writing a few pieces of fan fiction using characters I am familiar with and gathering opinions from the appropriate fandom. This small piece is set during Shadows of Valentina is based two things (spoiler warning):

1.  Fernand’s apology isn’t out of nowhere, approaching death helps one admit faults, but it isn’t built up

2. There are several things that aren’t mentioned in game, but are in a Japanese only book, this doesn’t address all of them though.

If it isn’t too much to ask, if you read it, may you explain why you enjoyed it, or why you didn’t, and if you happen to know something about creative writing that you think could help me, I would appreciate it. Without further ado, here is the URL.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13628150/1/The-Fallen-Knight-s-Purpose

P.S there is a couple of formatting errors I am aware of, though I do not know how to fix it, I apologise if this makes it harder to read.

[Hanes]

Well I see you are atleast better than me in describing things. I do not understand however, how did Lord Berkut's defeat exactly impact Ferdinand? Maybe I wasn't paying attention to the details because I'm bad at that.

I guess I did like reading it but I can't exactly help you with telling you why and how you can improve.

Actually I do have a guess, trying to read other works of fanfiction probably could help. My own wouldn't help you because I'm an amateur that isn't too knowledgeable on the subject but I have read a bit of a fan fiction on Renault's backstory (the FE7 Bishop).

This is it: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3133712/1/Wayward-Son

Edited June 28, 2020 by This boi uses Nino

[Aedan7479]

15 hours ago, This boi uses Nino said:

Well I see you are atleast better than me in describing things. I do not understand however, how did Lord Berkut's defeat exactly impact Ferdinand? Maybe I wasn't paying attention to the details because I'm bad at that.

I guess I did like reading it but I can't exactly help you with telling you why and how you can improve.

Actually I do have a guess, trying to read other works of fanfiction probably could help. My own wouldn't help you because I'm an amateur that isn't too knowledgeable on the subject but I have read a bit of a fan fiction on Renault's backstory (the FE7 Bishop).

This is it: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3133712/1/Wayward-Son

Fernand’s encounter with Rinea is what affected him, I think you missed some details, but I have writers bias. I should try to fix the formatting issues, that may cause people to miss details like that. But thanks for the feedback, (wow that fanfic is long) but if you can’t think of writers critique, I’d just like to hear what you did and/or didn’t enjoy, I think the title of the topic doesn’t make that clear

[Hanes]

23 hours ago, Aedan7479 said:

Fernand’s encounter with Rinea is what affected him

well yeah that, it did feel like it was a little weak or that we just relied on knowing that Fernand was already worried before entering the convo.

23 hours ago, Aedan7479 said:

I’d just like to hear what you did and/or didn’t enjoy,

Well for starters that thing writers do to like express everything in detail, I can see you're beggining to do that which is cool. I enjoyed the talk with Rudolf, though I never did think Rudolf was just willing to speak, let alone be questioned, on why they were fighting the war and that/or that Fernand was a high ranking official (or high enough) to be allowed to take the emperor's time.

Maybe I just don't remember Rudolf being like that so the criticism may not be exactly valid.

[Ocram]

Before anything, I am no expert in writing nor a very involved enthusiast of fanfiction. So I don´t know if what I´m saying is too harsh or if it even makes sense.

It was short and sweet, maybe too short to find any issues and too sweet to see through your writing style. As it is, I think it is a nice scenario for info dumping. Rudolf explaining where his royalty comes from and how it is tied to the gods to teach Fernand about nobility and loyalty, or at least his vision of it, is a natural scenario to explain things about the world, without ruining the pace of the work.

Now, for the fanfict it self, well, there´s not to much to talk about. It feels like an excerpt, I even thought there was more to it, as if I skipped the beginning and the end was missing. I don´t know if this is a fanfict problem, relying on prior knowledge of the character and situations or if you just wanted this to fill gaps of the original. if it was the second, well I would totally believe if someone said that this was supposed to be on the game and was cut because the VAs were charging extra.

In summary: it was good and I would read more from you.