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Ottservia

So I posted this fic a while back and I would like some criticisms on it

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So I’ve had this fic going for a while called “One Last Chance” which is essentially about the future kids before they leapt through time. I’ve been a little stuck with it for a couple of months and I’m not quite sure where to take it or how to feel about it’s quality. So some feed back would be nice if you could supply it.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13486923/chapters/30927045

Edited by Ottservia

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5 minutes ago, Ice_Viking_117 said:

Once I get a chance, I'll read it and give some feedback. Are you continuing this work when you say that you're not quite sure where to take it?

I do intend to finish the story. I’m just a little lost with the plot atm

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Keep in mind that your story (if it is keeping in touch with modern/conventional storytelling) should follow a path of rising action. If you have not reached a climax yet, then continue to raise the stakes until you've reached a solid climax. (Although I have not read it yet so take this with a grain of salt when it comes to your particular story.) I'll get a better understanding once I read it.

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Just finished the first chapter...

A few spelling errors here and there and some commas need to be added in places,

The first thing I noticed is a bit of a nitpick. The term 'broadsword' is actually referred to a variant of the rapier. The 'broadsword' has a different style of make then what I believe you were referring to as either an 'arming sword' or a 'longsword.' The 'broadsword' usually has a basket hilt but still similar blade width to an arming sword. Again, a bit of a nitpick, but the term 'broadsword' is usually incorrectly used to refer to what is actually either an 'arming sword' or 'longsword.' Bit of an "Um, well actually." moment.

Second thing, there are a few awkward descriptions. Try to describe and set up a setting using less 'wordy' words per say. This is a bit of a personal preference so take with it what you will.

So when the girl is cleaved in half, this is pretty much physically impossible with simple human strength. Now, this may have been your intention to show how strong the Risen (if that is the case, well done as you showed and didn't tell) but if not, this is a little jarring to the audience. Also, if the Risen are that strong as to be able to cleave someone clean in half, if Lucina were to block an slash with Falchion, then she would be sent flying and walk away with a few broken bones in her arms. This is fine as long as consistency is maintained. I actually really like the idea of having the Risen be incredibly strong and send a normal human flying.

Another thing, Cynthia's character is out of turn for the situation. I get that she is upbeat and positive (again, that's her character), but considering the situation, it's tone deaf. The audience should be feeling shock, desperation, and sadness after the girl's gruesome demise but Cynthia kills the mood and makes the audience question what they should be feeling. Cynthia making a joke before realizing Lucina's position is fine, but the continued humor of her character is too much.

The capitalized yelling is a bit over the top. Try to just use one to two exclamation marks.

Well done at conveying Lucina's character. That's one of the biggest components that will keep an audience engaged; the character flaws and arcs.

Also, well done at conveying the desperate tone (aside from Cynthia being a bit too humorous).

The question of 'how did Chrom die,' or even 'who is Chrom' (to people who don't know the story) is set up very well.

Overall, there's a good foundation here and it sets up the rest of the story as an introduction.

 

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17 minutes ago, Ice_Viking_117 said:

So when the girl is cleaved in half, this is pretty much physically impossible with simple human strength. Now, this may have been your intention to show how strong the Risen (if that is the case, well done as you showed and didn't tell) but if not, this is a little jarring to the audience. Also, if the Risen are that strong as to be able to cleave someone clean in half, if Lucina were to block an slash with Falchion, then she would be sent flying and walk away with a few broken bones in her arms. This is fine as long as consistency is maintained. I actually really like the idea of having the Risen be incredibly strong and send a normal human flying.

it was more or less my intention. One thing you have to know about me is that I get a lot of my inspirations for action and fight scenes through anime and manga which aren't the most realistic things in the world. I mean realistically if something like this happened to you then you'd be dead.

Spoiler

 

but as you can see the guy is able to move just fine after being flung into a rockface at decently high speeds. I'm just saying realism really isn't my priority here. The girl being cut in half really is just for the sake of more gruesome imagery you know to really sell the dreadful mood I'm setting here. 

 

36 minutes ago, Ice_Viking_117 said:

Another thing, Cynthia's character is out of turn for the situation. I get that she is upbeat and positive (again, that's her character), but considering the situation, it's tone deaf. The audience should be feeling shock, desperation, and sadness after the girl's gruesome demise but Cynthia kills the mood and makes the audience question what they should be feeling. Cynthia making a joke before realizing Lucina's position is fine, but the continued humor of her character is too much.

I get your point but given the situation, introducing her in that moment just seemed like the right thing to do. I'm trying to get across the idea that Cynthia is a light to Lucina. Something precocious to her that she must protect at all costs. It's pretty much set up for a character parallel/foil relationship later on. I just don't really know how I would fix it in this instance especially given the context. I dunno you want me to tone it down?

 

43 minutes ago, Ice_Viking_117 said:

Second thing, there are a few awkward descriptions. Try to describe and set up a setting using less 'wordy' words per say. This is a bit of a personal preference so take with it what you will.

this is something I've been trying to work on recently. Especially with action scenes and background information, it's kind of hard to determine how much description is truly enough. Cause sometimes a more minimalist approach works fine but then there are times when establishing these things are necessary as to not be confusing. It's a really tough balancing act. 

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2 hours ago, Ottservia said:

it was more or less my intention. One thing you have to know about me is that I get a lot of my inspirations for action and fight scenes through anime and manga which aren't the most realistic things in the world. I mean realistically if something like this happened to you then you'd be dead.

  Reveal hidden contents

 

but as you can see the guy is able to move just fine after being flung into a rockface at decently high speeds. I'm just saying realism really isn't my priority here. The girl being cut in half really is just for the sake of more gruesome imagery you know to really sell the dreadful mood I'm setting here. 

 

I get your point but given the situation, introducing her in that moment just seemed like the right thing to do. I'm trying to get across the idea that Cynthia is a light to Lucina. Something precocious to her that she must protect at all costs. It's pretty much set up for a character parallel/foil relationship later on. I just don't really know how I would fix it in this instance especially given the context. I dunno you want me to tone it down?

 

this is something I've been trying to work on recently. Especially with action scenes and background information, it's kind of hard to determine how much description is truly enough. Cause sometimes a more minimalist approach works fine but then there are times when establishing these things are necessary as to not be confusing. It's a really tough balancing act. 

Yeah, I think it is best to tone down Cynthia's jokes at her introduction a bit. Best would be to take out her trip, fall and Lucina's reaction to it. The humor there doesn't seem to match the tone.

It definitely is a tough balancing act.

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