Write Your Butt Off 358/II.8 prompts HD Final Chapter Prologue

[Benice]

10 hours ago, hY4/"q.6sXZbp~e. said:

Re: anonymous entries, it's not a question of whether to allow them, but whether to prohibit them. They are essentially allowed, as it is. Please do not prohibit them.

Well, it's more that they've never been allowed before, and I wanted to see if people would be interested in it.

The way I read the graph, it looks like anonymous entries narrowly have the majority (Three Yes/Two no, though there are also a lot of people who'd hesitate), and I think that we can allow them at this point in time.

 

Due to the 3-2 vote favoring the addition of Anonymous entries, I would like to officially add an Anonymous Entries section to the rules. If anyone would like to object to the immediate promulgation of the rule, please do so now. The poll will close on January 2nd.

---

That is it for this writing phase! Thank you to our three lovely contestants for submitting entries. I really should have as well... Well, perhaps next time.

Voting will last until January 2, 2022!

Edited December 27, 2021 by Benice

[AnonymousSpeed]

11 hours ago, hY4/"q.6sXZbp~e. said:

Re: anonymous entries, it's not a question of whether to allow them, but whether to prohibit them. They are essentially allowed, as it is. Please do not prohibit them.

Man's got a point.

1 hour ago, SoulWeaver said:

Hm...guess we’d better get that RP back on track.

A bit late for that not, but no sense letting the setting go to waste.

1 hour ago, Benice said:

Due to the 3-2 vote favoring the addition of Anonymous entries, I would like to officially add an Anonymous Entries section to the rules. If anyone would like to object to the immediate promulgation of the rule, please do so now. The poll will close on January 2nd.

Interesting idea, but like the guy with a weird name said, they're not really...prohibited, currently? I think SF even has a feature for guest posting. What would a rule like this even look like?

[Benice]

16 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

Interesting idea, but like the guy with a weird name said, they're not really...prohibited, currently? I think SF even has a feature for guest posting. What would a rule like this even look like?

I was thinking that people would just send their submissions through me, and I'd post them.  And while it's true that they're not prohibited, they're also not allowed either, and given that the goal of the thread is to incentivise writing, I thought it'd potentially open up the gates a little mroe.

...I didn't know that Guest Posting was a thing, though.

[AnonymousSpeed]

11 hours ago, Benice said:

I was thinking that people would just send their submissions through me, and I'd post them.  And while it's true that they're not prohibited, they're also not allowed either, and given that the goal of the thread is to incentivise writing, I thought it'd potentially open up the gates a little mroe.

I'd be cautious of attempting to enumerate all your options- it can confuse enumeration with permission. I think the current system works fairly well and allows for more-or-less anonymous entries, but I don't know for sure. It might be fine to let folks PM you entries.

I see you've embraced the Bearded Reedling. I approve of your decision young sir.

[Benice]

3 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

I think the current system works fairly well and allows for more-or-less anonymous entries, but I don't know for sure. It might be fine to let folks PM you entries.

Well, we'll see if anyone does PM me anything for the first little while, unless most people agree with you; I agree that it could potentially be a poor choice, but I also think that it's something that can be fairly easily changed if it goes poorly instead of growing our little corner of the forums.

We could also find a middle ground and could state in the rules that you can submit anonymous entries via the Me, but encourage posting directly to the thread.

4 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

see you've embraced the Bearded Reedling. I approve of your decision young sir.

Yes, I love them. They are so round.

[AnonymousSpeed]

10 hours ago, Benice said:

Yes, I love them. They are so round.

Yes. So round. So poof. So bootiful.

I want to hold one some day.

10 hours ago, Benice said:

We could also find a middle ground and could state in the rules that you can submit anonymous entries via the Me, but encourage posting directly to the thread.

It had the advantage of making it easier to edit your post.

[TheSilentChloey]

Meanwhile I'm here just enjoying the fun.

[AnonymousSpeed]

Alright, so here's a brief...not review but explanation of my vote. It's not a thorough critique, but since the other entries are fairly short I should be able to put one out for each if anybody cares.

I ultimately went with "the Last One" as my preferred entry (despite some prose issues) due to its consistent sense of impending doom. This isn't because I think it fits the prompt better, but because I find that a fascinating sensation to try and capture in literature. "Peaches 'n Pearls" has some good technical execution, but ultimately I think the twist actually did more to hurt it than if it were played straight.

[TheSilentChloey]

51 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

Alright, so here's a brief...not review but explanation of my vote. It's not a thorough critique, but since the other entries are fairly short I should be able to put one out for each if anybody cares.

I ultimately went with "the Last One" as my preferred entry (despite some prose issues) due to its consistent sense of impending doom. This isn't because I think it fits the prompt better, but because I find that a fascinating sensation to try and capture in literature. "Peaches 'n Pearls" has some good technical execution, but ultimately I think the twist actually did more to hurt it than if it were played straight.

Interesting...

 

I'm sure I definitely could have done more to flesh it out, maybe focused on the dinosaur more or something.

[Benice]

Boy oh boy, it's been a while since I've given feedback. I am bad at it, so do take what I say with a grain of salt.

@TheSilentChloey

Spoiler

I quite enjoyed this one, especially considering its length. I don't have much to say about it, but nice job.

@indigoasis

Spoiler

I liked this one a fair bit! The language was colourful and painted a good image in my head without being overly wordy and left enough to the imagination. I think that the twist was interesting, but I do agree with Anon. Speed that it didn't fit in very well. To me, the story served as a very good hook to a grander story, and the twist kind of worked too well, if that makes sense? It turned it from a cute one-off story into a thing I'd want a decently long, full story on. I personally feel that it could have been a better creative choice to follow through instead of taking a turn to a new concept without going through with it, since it left a few too many loose ends to feel properly conclusive as an ending, but it was certainly a highly enjoyable excerpt.

Who knows, though, it may have ended up rather flat without the twist; I'm not a good writer, so it's hard for me to say.

 

One last thing I feel is worth mentioning in terms of feedback is the dialogue and cadence of the story. It's far from bad, but it does feel a little awkward at times. For example,

Quote

A cool afternoon breeze swept into the Jeweler’s shop along with a slightly frazzled young man with a drawstring backpack. His frantic glancing around the store concerned the jeweler behind the main counter. The young man locked eyes with the gentleman at the counter and adjusted the collar of his letterman jacket.

I like the imagery and descriptive language used here, but it feels a little odd to read and is a tad choppier than what I feel is necessary. For example, I might have written it as

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A cool afternoon breeze swept into the Jeweler’s shop, carrying with it a slightly frazzled young man with a drawstring backpack. Glancing frantically around the room as he stumbled in, the young man soon locked eyes with the gentleman at the counter and adjusted the collar of his letterman jacket.

Or something akin to that. The main adjustments I felt were necessary when I was reading were the wording of the first phrase, as well as the period between the second and third phrases. The former for it simply feeling more naturally phrased for me, and the latter to grant flow from the connected ideas of "Young man enters Jewlery shop" to "Young man interacts with the Gentleman." They're both very simple ideas within a easy-to-follow and short paragraph, so I don't think that they needed the period to seperate them.

Another example of a passage which felt weird to me was:

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The young man’s demeanor made him look ready to wince at a moment’s notice. The gentleman cleared his throat and began with his usual questions for customers like these.

Once more, I think that the period is unnecessary or at least obstructive. The ideas aren't especially related, but I think commas could be used to link them more comfortably. For example,

Quote

Aware of the young man's discomfort, the gentleman cleared his throat and began with his usual questions for customers like these.

It's not exactly a flawless suggestion, but I think that this type of phrasing would have felt nicer.

The next segment was much improved in this regard, but I do have a few other nitpicks.

Quote

“It, uh… belonged to my grandmother. She has… had an oyster collection. She kept any of the pearls that they formed and… made necklaces out of ‘em.”

It could be a regional thing, but I personally read ellipsis that interrupt phrases like this as breathlessness as opposed to uncertainty or stuttering. I often see hyphens or dashes used to indicate stuttering.

Quote

"It, uh… belonged to my grandmother. She has- had an oyster collection. She kept any of the pearls that they formed and, er, made necklaces out of ‘em.”

Alternately, you could omit some of the stuttering in the phrasing and instead write something in that references his manner of speech as slow or stuttery.

Quote

The gentleman raised his eyebrows as if to say, "Ah, okay then." He wasn’t going to challenge a sob story like that.

I think that the quotation marks here look a bit clunky. I think that you could have either omitted  everything pertaining to the "Ah, okay then" or described it in alternative manner.

 

Keep in mind that these are all rather small critiques, and I'm only mentioning them because I know that you're in a creative writing course. I know that writing is important to you, so I hope that you don't mind me being rather rude or nitpicky. This was a good read, and I think that your ability to set up a story so fluidly is worth applause. I yell because I care, and I hope I didn't care too much here...

@AnonymousSpeed

Spoiler

It was great to see more from the world of the RP! As always, your writing was very charismatic and is great to read, but I do feel like your excellent writing is what carried this one as opposed to the execution of the story. The dialogue was great and effectively characterized the cast very well, but I think that there was a bit of context missing, or perhaps a lack of distinct pressure. Although I certainly felt tense reading the story, I think that it would have been a little better off with more of a fixation on the Masked themselves as opposed to preparations for their attack.

...This sounds really harsh, considering that I really did like this one. It was very good, but was a little rushed is all.

I quite liked all three entries, so I have no clue who to vote for...

Edited December 30, 2021 by Benice

[TheSilentChloey]

2 hours ago, Benice said:

Boy oh boy, it's been a while since I've given feedback. I am bad at it, so do take what I say with a grain of salt.

@TheSilentChloey

  Reveal hidden contents

I quite enjoyed this one, especially considering its length. I don't have much to say about it, but nice job.

@indigoasis

  Reveal hidden contents

I liked this one a fair bit! The language was colourful and painted a good image in my head without being overly wordy and left enough to the imagination. I think that the twist was interesting, but I do agree with Anon. Speed that it didn't fit in very well. To me, the story served as a very good hook to a grander story, and the twist kind of worked too well, if that makes sense? It turned it from a cute one-off story into a thing I'd want a decently long, full story on. I personally feel that it could have been a better creative choice to follow through instead of taking a turn to a new concept without going through with it, since it left a few too many loose ends to feel properly conclusive as an ending, but it was certainly a highly enjoyable excerpt.

Who knows, though, it may have ended up rather flat without the twist; I'm not a good writer, so it's hard for me to say.

 

One last thing I feel is worth mentioning in terms of feedback is the dialogue and cadence of the story. It's far from bad, but it does feel a little awkward at times. For example,

I like the imagery and descriptive language used here, but it feels a little odd to read and is a tad choppier than what I feel is necessary. For example, I might have written it as

Or something akin to that. The main adjustments I felt were necessary when I was reading were the wording of the first phrase, as well as the period between the second and third phrases. The former for it simply feeling more naturally phrased for me, and the latter to grant flow from the connected ideas of "Young man enters Jewlery shop" to "Young man interacts with the Gentleman." They're both very simple ideas within a easy-to-follow and short paragraph, so I don't think that they needed the period to seperate them.

Another example of a passage which felt weird to me was:

Once more, I think that the period is unnecessary or at least obstructive. The ideas aren't especially related, but I think commas could be used to link them more comfortably. For example,

It's not exactly a flawless suggestion, but I think that this type of phrasing would have felt nicer.

The next segment was much improved in this regard, but I do have a few other nitpicks.

It could be a regional thing, but I personally read ellipsis that interrupt phrases like this as breathlessness as opposed to uncertainty or stuttering. I often see hyphens or dashes used to indicate stuttering.

Alternately, you could omit some of the stuttering in the phrasing and instead write something in that references his manner of speech as slow or stuttery.

I think that the quotation marks here look a bit clunky. I think that you could have either omitted  everything pertaining to the "Ah, okay then" or described it in alternative manner.

 

Keep in mind that these are all rather small critiques, and I'm only mentioning them because I know that you're in a creative writing course. I know that writing is important to you, so I hope that you don't mind me being rather rude or nitpicky. This was a good read, and I think that your ability to set up a story so fluidly is worth applause. I yell because I care, and I hope I didn't care too much here...

@AnonymousSpeed

  Reveal hidden contents

It was great to see more from the world of the RP! As always, your writing was very charismatic and is great to read, but I do feel like your excellent writing is what made this one a good read as opposed to the execution of the story. The dialogue was excellent and effectively characterized the cast very well, but I think that there was a bit of context missing, or perhaps a lack of distinct pressure. Although I certainly felt tense reading the story, I think that it would have been a little better off with more of a fixation on the Masked themselves as opposed to preparations for their attack.

...This sounds really harsh, considering that I really did like this one. It was very good, but was missing very narrowly from being great.

I quite liked all three entries, so I have no clue who to vote for...

I aim to please XD

 

That said I think it might be a good idea to see if I could do more on it at some point.

Edited December 30, 2021 by TheSilentChloey

[AnonymousSpeed]

8 hours ago, Benice said:

...This sounds really harsh, considering that I really did like this one.

Oh no, I thought it was very flattering to hear you liked it at all, thanks.

8 hours ago, Benice said:

lack of distinct pressure

Yeah, that's a very solid point, I kind of get the same feeling. There's supposed to be a looming threat but I don't think that really comes through.

[indigoasis]

18 hours ago, Benice said:

Keep in mind that these are all rather small critiques, and I'm only mentioning them because I know that you're in a creative writing course. I know that writing is important to you, so I hope that you don't mind me being rather rude or nitpicky. This was a good read, and I think that your ability to set up a story so fluidly is worth applause. I yell because I care, and I hope I didn't care too much here...

Thank you for the feedback! My class is over now, actually, but it's appreciated regardless. And don't worry about being nit-picky; I wouldn't have noticed the problems you mentioned if you didn't point them out.

Honestly, I can only dream of being able to actually give a good critique or good feedback for any kind creative outlet like acting or writing or what have you, so keep yelling as loud as you can!

[TheSilentChloey]

I think we all have something to work on with this.  I've been trying to figure out what length is ideal for myself and shorter tends to be easier.  But inherently flawed too.

[Jotari]

On 12/9/2021 at 12:25 AM, TheSilentChloey said:

I'm neither one way or the other, but I won't overly object.

 

On the subject of entries don't take the title too literally.

 

Title: The Last One

Words: 655

  Hide contents

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TwM5CFSjzpAGOSAV1mJlGk0SRDS-slpmS9jHr5FwSCo/edit?usp=drivesdk

I've been quite tired so had to do something small for this round.  I figured dropping more hints further throughout would be fun also short and easy to read (I hope).

I like this one. A few grammar mistakes here and there, but overall the prose were good, capturing a nice poignant feeling. I'm not sure there's really much else I can say on it, it's short and sweet, but being so short doesn't lend itself open to much specific criticism.

Oh, also all birds are dinosaurs. Not descended from dinosaurs, but literally dinosaurs under how we classify things.

On 12/21/2021 at 1:10 AM, indigoasis said:

Alright fellas, I've got two submissions. One of them is a joke (and one that I'd like to submit for serious consideration if I'm allowed to submit multiple pieces), and the other is the actual submission.

This first one doesn't actually work as well as I would have hoped since it relies on me actually being late to submit, but oh well.

Title: I ran out of time to write

Word Count: seven

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I ran out of time to write.

Beautifully evocative. Captures feelings I am intimately familiar with.

Quote

And here's the actual one. I hope it fits this prompt better than what I submitted for the last prompt.

Title: Peaches n' Pearls

Word Count: 1181

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https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t5LdbZ6mWJY8S874smIgyaZsabumFz2qWQrN77me_Fc/edit?usp=sharing

I was waiting for some kind of subversion in this story, because as I was reading it I was thinking "Okay, kind of sweet, but what's the point." And indeed, we did get a subversion at the end. But I'm not sure the subversion was as strong as it could have been. There's no contrast of themes between the two ideas, it's more appearing to go one way and then suddenly going another. It also comes with some logistical questions.

On 12/27/2021 at 7:50 AM, AnonymousSpeed said:

I didn't really proof-read this, so...sorry.

Name: Palisade

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A young ballistician leaned against his engine and stared out into the night. In the valley far below, a hundred feet down from their stone fortress, scattered fires burned, as they had every night for nearly eight years. Fireflies added to the display, dancing around in the warm air, which wrapped around him like a blanket. He wavered in place, his eyes growing heavy.

"Cambyses, report."

The young ballistician snapped awake. "Huh? Oh, Captain Abbas! Uh...n-nothing to report, sir..." Cambyses stood straight as a needle and bowed his head. He could barely make out Abbas's scornful look in the dim light of the torch against the wall.

"...stay awake." Abbas handed Cambyses a small candy and marched off. The young gunner sighed in relief and placed his hands on the wall. His ballista nest extended slightly beyond the cliffside to accommodate the size of his weapon. He peeked briefly over the side of the wall- a sheer drop to a stony death- and quickly recoiled from it.

***

Abbas marched along the parapet, giving similar inspections to the other ballisticians. The rest of them were awake at their posts and had as many bolts as was practical to give them. In the fort's prime each ballista had a man dedicated to fetching new bolts at all times, so that their ammo piles would always be overflowing. For ballistae now remaining, they could only spare about half that many men at a time, running between each station to ensure they were reasonably stocked.

Each engine was placed in a dedicated turret, which were arrayed in two rows along the outside of the fortress. It was such marvels of military engineering which allowed Palisade, carved into a cliffside, to survive the emperor who commissioned it and the war for which it had been built. Unfortunately, it was due to other circumstances that it had survived those who designed and constructed it.

The invasion of the Masked had swept across the continent, devouring its great empires, and flooding the land with a hostile force totally unfamiliar to its people. They were unspeaking, unfeeling, inhuman creates without faces. As Abbas completed a last lap around the walls, he glared at the fires dotting the horizon. Encampments of the Masked besieging them.

Abbas and his men had survived, for the most part, by retreating into the fortress. It was too heavily defended and too hard to access for the Masked to swarm, but scouts on wyverns reported that the rest of the continent had not been so lucky.
The Masked needed neither food nor water nor pleasure nor any other thing which kept the mortal engine running. They had all the time in the world to wait for them.

Palisade, whether coming or going, was impenetrable.

***

After the ballistae, Abbas decided it check the gardens. He retreated into the hollowed out mountain and made his way to a staircase cut into the stone. As he ascended, he spotted another man coming down.

"Samsa."
The man nodded. "Hello Abbas," he said vacantly.

Abbas and his men were among the Auran Empire's finest. Samsa was from the Cardinal Empire, their sworn rival. The Masked did not care much for politics and nearly destroyed both- Samsa took refuge in the mountains and was rescued by Abbas and his men. They were in no place to turn down his help, and Samsa was in no place to withhold it.

"I'm just going to get some fresh air," said Samsa.
"Very well. Be back to your post soon."
"Yes sir."
"I'll be checking in to make sure you're there."
"Understood sir."

The two passed each other, and Abbas soon passed out from the tunnels of the enclosed stairway into the open air once more, glancing scornfully at the moon as he reached the grounds.

***

Palisade's original design had not been entirely practical. Atop the fortress, behind the upper line of ballistae and shadowed in the evening by the mountain tops, was a garden. It was planted with a splendid assortment of flowers and trees from across the Auran Empire as a display of its breadth. It was guarded by countless stone idols of Belladonna, goddess of war and mother of the Auran Empire.

Abbas remembered when he first arrived, how beautiful it had seemed to him, how impressive the sharp details in the carvings were. Now the idols were worn smooth by wind and rain. The garden had found new purpose growing food. The flowers had been uprooted. Parsnips, yams, and peas grew in their place. Juvenile lemon trees struggled to grow where oaks had once stood. Trees bearing peaches and apples did slightly better in the local climate, although the lemons were much preferred and so more had been planted.

It was a foolish decision. Abbas scorned himself over it as he scanned the paltry grove. Whether one fruit was better or another didn't matter in such a desperate situation, yet he and most others had been swayed by the idea of fresh citrus.

Abbas noticed a crumbled figure sitting beneath a dried up fountain. He walked over, making no efforts to be quiet, but the figure did not seem to notice. As Abbas grew closer he was able to discern the man was rocking back and forth, muttering prayers, his hands clasped tightly around a small icon on a necklace.

"Osroes."

Hearing his name started the young man. He glanced up and shrunk further, quickly reciting the end of his prayer. "Captain."

"Why aren't you asleep?" Abbas asked. He carefully measured his tone to sound warm- it didn't work, but the effort was discernible. "We're going to need you to be well rested in the morning. We can't afford to be down a bolt fetcher if the Masked attempt another skirmish."

Osroes nodded. "I...I couldn't sleep, Captain. I thought that I should do some praying, if I could not do any resting. So I came up here to beseech Mother Belladonna."

Abbas looked down at the lad with a stern expression. Osroes had come to the fortress as a boy and was now old enough to be a man with his own family, had circumstances permitted. Abbas wasn't sure what to say, but he knew that he ought to say something. He stood silently, maintaining the illusion of certainty, until Osroes spared them by speaking up.

"Captain...why? Why has Mother Belladonna not returned? In eight years...surely this cruelty is not less than that of Hearth in the hundred-and-first year...have we done something to make her reject us?"

The captain nearly winced. "...Osroes."
"Yes, Captain?"
"Report to turret four in half an hour. Give the same instructions to anyone else who is awake and whose post is important for defense."
"But...what does that have to do with my question, Captain?"

Abbas sighed. "Just so you know, I will not accept such questioning of my orders in front of others."
"O-of course, Captain."
"Since you have asked privately...I expect it will appear more clear when we've assembled."

Abbas stood awkwardly as Osroes got to his feet. He handed the young man a candy and sent him on his way, then marched towards the old store room.

***

The room was cold and dark, tucked far back in their stony abode. A single torch burned at the entrance. Leaning against the archway and staring into the room was a familiar figure.

"Samsa, report."

The foreigner turned to Abbas and nodded. "It's about the same as always here."

Abbas nodded and glanced through the doorway. A musty smell wafted from inside. The old store room had long ago been emptied. It was too large of a space for their dwindling supplies, and monitoring it for moisture was proving too difficulty, so the room had been repurposed. Dirt and refuse were carted in, turning it into a mushroom farm. Decay and darkness had been turned to their advantage.

"No moisture in the armory," Samsa continued. "I take it your room is still dry?"
"Affirmative."

Partly to protect against theft and partly to free up the old store room, the original stock of supplies had been moved to the captain's quarters. Crates once stacked up to the ceiling and created a maze of wooden walls. When they moved them into Abbas's room, the furniture had to be cleared out- he used crates for a bed and desk. By now the bed and desk had been moved back in.

"Not getting tired, are you?"
Abbas turned to the side. "No. Why?"
"You just seemed a little still. I know you're not quite a night owl."

Abbas shook his head- the Cardinals were all so aloof. "I am quite alright. Though I do not understand why you seem to enjoy the night so much."
"It's just a preference, I suppose. At night, when the moon is out, it really feels like Philotes is watching over me."
"Perhaps, then, you should consider instead seeking the protection of Belladonna, who reigns over the day, when men should be awake."
"Hey now, don't get testy. Besides, who would do nightly inspections then?"

The captain paused, considered his options, then replied. "Very well, though I wish you would consider it. Regardless, report to turret four in a few minutes. I would like to say some things to everyone."
The Cardinal eyed Abbas suspiciously. "It's nice to be included, but...I think I'd rather stay here."
"It's an order, Samsa."

"...alright. I'll see you there."

***

The appointed time was drawing close, but Abbas had time to stop by his personal quarters on the way to the specified turret. He checked the door to make sure it was still locked and, finding that it was, unlocked it and slipped inside. A few crates lined the walls. Some were old crates that had been filled with new foodstuffs, others still contained their original cargo.

Abbas walked over to a lone crate behind his desk. It contained hard candies, made from honey boiled with rosemary and lemon. Eight years ago they could have lined his entire wall with such crates, but now only this one remained. It was half full. Abbas stuffed his satchel with handfuls of them- they were one of the few luxuries they had, one of the few rewards or incentives he could hand out.

***

With a few minutes to spare, Abbas arrived at the fourth turret, and a small congregation quickly grew around him. He scanned the small crowd, finding Samsa, Osroes, and many others. No ballisticians, as instructed, though many of them would hear .

"Men...I know that our situation seems difficult," began Abbas. "Do not be discouraged though. I have never been anything but encouraged, because despite our trying situation, you have all performed remarkably. It has been an honor to serve with you, and will continue to be an honor. By our cunning and our spirit, we have endured far longer than anyone would have thought possible. Palisade is unbreakable, and so too is the spirit of the Aurans."

Abbas glanced over to Samsa and paused.

"Some of us bear divine blood. All of us bear divine purpose. Will we surrender to these strange beasts which make a mockery of the form of the goddesses? Or will we persist, and overcome, as we have done all these years? Surely, salvation will come. Should it tarry...then let us await it with honorable conduct. Let us act so that, whenever deliverance comes, we will be worthy recipients of it. Let us be remembered as unbreakable men, let our legend be one of conquest of our place and not submission to it."

A heavy silence covered the air. Abbas groped the bag of honey candies. Should he hand them out? Would that kill the mood? Would he have enough, or would doing that burn through what remained of them? He stood, almost frozen, until a scout's voice filled the night.

"Enemies approaching from the northeast!"

***

All eyes turned in the specified direction. A squadron of six Masked approached on wyverns.

"Everyone to your stations!" Abbas shouted. "Ballisticians at the ready!" Men posted along the length of parapet shouted these same orders so they were quickly heard by all and quickly obeyed.

Abbas ran to the nearest firing nest and looked out into the dark of night. The Masked riders could be barely seen by the glow of their torches, small specks approaching them. The wind was picking up, and the flames flickered in the distance.

"Hold!" He commanded. In broad daylight, a shot from this distance would have a reasonable chance of hitting, but in the middle of the night? The bolts were too valuable to expend on such a gamble.

The terrible beasts drew closer. They were well in range of the ballistae, but still beyond the range of standard bows.

"Four to leftmost! Five to leftmost! Eight to center-left!"

Abbas barked out orders to the ballisticians, telling which next to aim at what target. More and finer details of the Masked could be made out. Their armor seemed lighter, they did not seem to carry spears or axes. They were still too far for a reliable shot.

"Archers at the ready! Mages at the ready!"

A battalion of bowman and tome-users prepared to attack once the wyverns came close enough.

"Hold!"

At last Abbas could make out the arms of his adversaries- heavy tomes. It was a squadron MaligKnights. He could see their fingers begin to twist with shocking dexterity in strange and arcane patterns, the glow of their torches was joined by a glow of magical energy.

"Fire!"

The ringing sound of strings being loosed filled the air- crude bolts soared through the sky and through the ranks of the Masked.

Abbas watched as one wyvern was struck in the underbelly. The beast plummeted, careening into the cliff-side, crushing its rider between it and the sheer surface. The Masked instantly disintegrated into red clay, as was the fate of all defeated Masked.

Another rider pulled harshly on the reigns of its mount, turning its flank to the fortress as it attempted a hard turn to get out of the way. The move proved ineffective as the bolt tore through the wyvern's wing and smashed into the back of the Masked rider. Soldiers watched from the parapet as the dragon fell to the ground, a cloud of clay dust trailing behind it.

So happened to a third, then a fourth, all in rapid succession as the ballista bolts tore through their attackers in a single unified strike. Yet two survived- one wounded by the bolts and still flying, another having managed to just barely avoid them.

"Archers! Mages! Fire!"

Arrows and blades of wind tore through the night, and the wounded beast was taken out. Soon fire focused on the last remaining MaligKnight. An onslaught of projectiles fell upon it, but the creature extended its hand and fire a bolt of lightening in a beam into the walls. There was a blinding light and a loud crack as it tore through the air and struck the back wall, missing Abbas by mere meters. The last MaligKnight attempted to dive down to escape, but too many attacks were already aimed and fired at it. It too joined its comrades.

The ballisticians quickly reloaded. The scouts had their eyes peeled. Bolt runners were restocking the one shot which each ballista had used, the archers were notching new arrows. Yet there seemed to be no threat.

"All clear?" asked Abbas.
"All clear!" shouted an aging scout.
"Good. Healers, out!"

Priests of Belladonna rushed out from the stone walls, tending to whoever might be injured. Abbas turned around to watch them work, then saw one kneeling over a prone figure. "Captain Abbas!"

He ran over to the scene.

"We've...lost one." The priest turned the figure over. Abbas clenched his fists. He growled. Though scarred by lightening, Osroes was still recognizable.

"...blast it all," growled Abbas. "Samsa!"

The Cardinal quickly made himself known. "Sir...?" He looked to the Captain with knowing trepidation.

"Make fertilizer from the body."

He nodded quietly and dragged the corpse away.

It was unpleasant business, but shrewd tactics like that had managed to keep them alive. Resolve alone, Abbas knew, would not have gotten them so far. He cursed quietly- first the Masked, then the goddesses, then himself. Then just in general. Eight years had not managed to break them, but like the statues in the garden, they were slowly being worn down. He had carefully avoided it during his speech, but they couldn't keep this up forever, no matter how much they recycled.

They were running out of candies, soldiers, morale. Quite frankly, they were running out of time.

 

My stomach is tearing itself apart right now. I'll review this one later.

Edited January 1, 2022 by Jotari

[AnonymousSpeed]

33 minutes ago, Jotari said:

My stomach is tearing itself apart right now. I'll review this one later.

Ouch. Get well soon.

[Jotari]

1 hour ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

Ouch. Get well soon.

It was swift and dire, but it seems to have passed for now.

On 12/27/2021 at 7:50 AM, AnonymousSpeed said:

I didn't really proof-read this, so...sorry.

Name: Palisade

  Hide contents

A young ballistician leaned against his engine and stared out into the night. In the valley far below, a hundred feet down from their stone fortress, scattered fires burned, as they had every night for nearly eight years. Fireflies added to the display, dancing around in the warm air, which wrapped around him like a blanket. He wavered in place, his eyes growing heavy.

"Cambyses, report."

The young ballistician snapped awake. "Huh? Oh, Captain Abbas! Uh...n-nothing to report, sir..." Cambyses stood straight as a needle and bowed his head. He could barely make out Abbas's scornful look in the dim light of the torch against the wall.

"...stay awake." Abbas handed Cambyses a small candy and marched off. The young gunner sighed in relief and placed his hands on the wall. His ballista nest extended slightly beyond the cliffside to accommodate the size of his weapon. He peeked briefly over the side of the wall- a sheer drop to a stony death- and quickly recoiled from it.

***

Abbas marched along the parapet, giving similar inspections to the other ballisticians. The rest of them were awake at their posts and had as many bolts as was practical to give them. In the fort's prime each ballista had a man dedicated to fetching new bolts at all times, so that their ammo piles would always be overflowing. For ballistae now remaining, they could only spare about half that many men at a time, running between each station to ensure they were reasonably stocked.

Each engine was placed in a dedicated turret, which were arrayed in two rows along the outside of the fortress. It was such marvels of military engineering which allowed Palisade, carved into a cliffside, to survive the emperor who commissioned it and the war for which it had been built. Unfortunately, it was due to other circumstances that it had survived those who designed and constructed it.

The invasion of the Masked had swept across the continent, devouring its great empires, and flooding the land with a hostile force totally unfamiliar to its people. They were unspeaking, unfeeling, inhuman creates without faces. As Abbas completed a last lap around the walls, he glared at the fires dotting the horizon. Encampments of the Masked besieging them.

Abbas and his men had survived, for the most part, by retreating into the fortress. It was too heavily defended and too hard to access for the Masked to swarm, but scouts on wyverns reported that the rest of the continent had not been so lucky.
The Masked needed neither food nor water nor pleasure nor any other thing which kept the mortal engine running. They had all the time in the world to wait for them.

Palisade, whether coming or going, was impenetrable.

***

After the ballistae, Abbas decided it check the gardens. He retreated into the hollowed out mountain and made his way to a staircase cut into the stone. As he ascended, he spotted another man coming down.

"Samsa."
The man nodded. "Hello Abbas," he said vacantly.

Abbas and his men were among the Auran Empire's finest. Samsa was from the Cardinal Empire, their sworn rival. The Masked did not care much for politics and nearly destroyed both- Samsa took refuge in the mountains and was rescued by Abbas and his men. They were in no place to turn down his help, and Samsa was in no place to withhold it.

"I'm just going to get some fresh air," said Samsa.
"Very well. Be back to your post soon."
"Yes sir."
"I'll be checking in to make sure you're there."
"Understood sir."

The two passed each other, and Abbas soon passed out from the tunnels of the enclosed stairway into the open air once more, glancing scornfully at the moon as he reached the grounds.

***

Palisade's original design had not been entirely practical. Atop the fortress, behind the upper line of ballistae and shadowed in the evening by the mountain tops, was a garden. It was planted with a splendid assortment of flowers and trees from across the Auran Empire as a display of its breadth. It was guarded by countless stone idols of Belladonna, goddess of war and mother of the Auran Empire.

Abbas remembered when he first arrived, how beautiful it had seemed to him, how impressive the sharp details in the carvings were. Now the idols were worn smooth by wind and rain. The garden had found new purpose growing food. The flowers had been uprooted. Parsnips, yams, and peas grew in their place. Juvenile lemon trees struggled to grow where oaks had once stood. Trees bearing peaches and apples did slightly better in the local climate, although the lemons were much preferred and so more had been planted.

It was a foolish decision. Abbas scorned himself over it as he scanned the paltry grove. Whether one fruit was better or another didn't matter in such a desperate situation, yet he and most others had been swayed by the idea of fresh citrus.

Abbas noticed a crumbled figure sitting beneath a dried up fountain. He walked over, making no efforts to be quiet, but the figure did not seem to notice. As Abbas grew closer he was able to discern the man was rocking back and forth, muttering prayers, his hands clasped tightly around a small icon on a necklace.

"Osroes."

Hearing his name started the young man. He glanced up and shrunk further, quickly reciting the end of his prayer. "Captain."

"Why aren't you asleep?" Abbas asked. He carefully measured his tone to sound warm- it didn't work, but the effort was discernible. "We're going to need you to be well rested in the morning. We can't afford to be down a bolt fetcher if the Masked attempt another skirmish."

Osroes nodded. "I...I couldn't sleep, Captain. I thought that I should do some praying, if I could not do any resting. So I came up here to beseech Mother Belladonna."

Abbas looked down at the lad with a stern expression. Osroes had come to the fortress as a boy and was now old enough to be a man with his own family, had circumstances permitted. Abbas wasn't sure what to say, but he knew that he ought to say something. He stood silently, maintaining the illusion of certainty, until Osroes spared them by speaking up.

"Captain...why? Why has Mother Belladonna not returned? In eight years...surely this cruelty is not less than that of Hearth in the hundred-and-first year...have we done something to make her reject us?"

The captain nearly winced. "...Osroes."
"Yes, Captain?"
"Report to turret four in half an hour. Give the same instructions to anyone else who is awake and whose post is important for defense."
"But...what does that have to do with my question, Captain?"

Abbas sighed. "Just so you know, I will not accept such questioning of my orders in front of others."
"O-of course, Captain."
"Since you have asked privately...I expect it will appear more clear when we've assembled."

Abbas stood awkwardly as Osroes got to his feet. He handed the young man a candy and sent him on his way, then marched towards the old store room.

***

The room was cold and dark, tucked far back in their stony abode. A single torch burned at the entrance. Leaning against the archway and staring into the room was a familiar figure.

"Samsa, report."

The foreigner turned to Abbas and nodded. "It's about the same as always here."

Abbas nodded and glanced through the doorway. A musty smell wafted from inside. The old store room had long ago been emptied. It was too large of a space for their dwindling supplies, and monitoring it for moisture was proving too difficulty, so the room had been repurposed. Dirt and refuse were carted in, turning it into a mushroom farm. Decay and darkness had been turned to their advantage.

"No moisture in the armory," Samsa continued. "I take it your room is still dry?"
"Affirmative."

Partly to protect against theft and partly to free up the old store room, the original stock of supplies had been moved to the captain's quarters. Crates once stacked up to the ceiling and created a maze of wooden walls. When they moved them into Abbas's room, the furniture had to be cleared out- he used crates for a bed and desk. By now the bed and desk had been moved back in.

"Not getting tired, are you?"
Abbas turned to the side. "No. Why?"
"You just seemed a little still. I know you're not quite a night owl."

Abbas shook his head- the Cardinals were all so aloof. "I am quite alright. Though I do not understand why you seem to enjoy the night so much."
"It's just a preference, I suppose. At night, when the moon is out, it really feels like Philotes is watching over me."
"Perhaps, then, you should consider instead seeking the protection of Belladonna, who reigns over the day, when men should be awake."
"Hey now, don't get testy. Besides, who would do nightly inspections then?"

The captain paused, considered his options, then replied. "Very well, though I wish you would consider it. Regardless, report to turret four in a few minutes. I would like to say some things to everyone."
The Cardinal eyed Abbas suspiciously. "It's nice to be included, but...I think I'd rather stay here."
"It's an order, Samsa."

"...alright. I'll see you there."

***

The appointed time was drawing close, but Abbas had time to stop by his personal quarters on the way to the specified turret. He checked the door to make sure it was still locked and, finding that it was, unlocked it and slipped inside. A few crates lined the walls. Some were old crates that had been filled with new foodstuffs, others still contained their original cargo.

Abbas walked over to a lone crate behind his desk. It contained hard candies, made from honey boiled with rosemary and lemon. Eight years ago they could have lined his entire wall with such crates, but now only this one remained. It was half full. Abbas stuffed his satchel with handfuls of them- they were one of the few luxuries they had, one of the few rewards or incentives he could hand out.

***

With a few minutes to spare, Abbas arrived at the fourth turret, and a small congregation quickly grew around him. He scanned the small crowd, finding Samsa, Osroes, and many others. No ballisticians, as instructed, though many of them would hear .

"Men...I know that our situation seems difficult," began Abbas. "Do not be discouraged though. I have never been anything but encouraged, because despite our trying situation, you have all performed remarkably. It has been an honor to serve with you, and will continue to be an honor. By our cunning and our spirit, we have endured far longer than anyone would have thought possible. Palisade is unbreakable, and so too is the spirit of the Aurans."

Abbas glanced over to Samsa and paused.

"Some of us bear divine blood. All of us bear divine purpose. Will we surrender to these strange beasts which make a mockery of the form of the goddesses? Or will we persist, and overcome, as we have done all these years? Surely, salvation will come. Should it tarry...then let us await it with honorable conduct. Let us act so that, whenever deliverance comes, we will be worthy recipients of it. Let us be remembered as unbreakable men, let our legend be one of conquest of our place and not submission to it."

A heavy silence covered the air. Abbas groped the bag of honey candies. Should he hand them out? Would that kill the mood? Would he have enough, or would doing that burn through what remained of them? He stood, almost frozen, until a scout's voice filled the night.

"Enemies approaching from the northeast!"

***

All eyes turned in the specified direction. A squadron of six Masked approached on wyverns.

"Everyone to your stations!" Abbas shouted. "Ballisticians at the ready!" Men posted along the length of parapet shouted these same orders so they were quickly heard by all and quickly obeyed.

Abbas ran to the nearest firing nest and looked out into the dark of night. The Masked riders could be barely seen by the glow of their torches, small specks approaching them. The wind was picking up, and the flames flickered in the distance.

"Hold!" He commanded. In broad daylight, a shot from this distance would have a reasonable chance of hitting, but in the middle of the night? The bolts were too valuable to expend on such a gamble.

The terrible beasts drew closer. They were well in range of the ballistae, but still beyond the range of standard bows.

"Four to leftmost! Five to leftmost! Eight to center-left!"

Abbas barked out orders to the ballisticians, telling which next to aim at what target. More and finer details of the Masked could be made out. Their armor seemed lighter, they did not seem to carry spears or axes. They were still too far for a reliable shot.

"Archers at the ready! Mages at the ready!"

A battalion of bowman and tome-users prepared to attack once the wyverns came close enough.

"Hold!"

At last Abbas could make out the arms of his adversaries- heavy tomes. It was a squadron MaligKnights. He could see their fingers begin to twist with shocking dexterity in strange and arcane patterns, the glow of their torches was joined by a glow of magical energy.

"Fire!"

The ringing sound of strings being loosed filled the air- crude bolts soared through the sky and through the ranks of the Masked.

Abbas watched as one wyvern was struck in the underbelly. The beast plummeted, careening into the cliff-side, crushing its rider between it and the sheer surface. The Masked instantly disintegrated into red clay, as was the fate of all defeated Masked.

Another rider pulled harshly on the reigns of its mount, turning its flank to the fortress as it attempted a hard turn to get out of the way. The move proved ineffective as the bolt tore through the wyvern's wing and smashed into the back of the Masked rider. Soldiers watched from the parapet as the dragon fell to the ground, a cloud of clay dust trailing behind it.

So happened to a third, then a fourth, all in rapid succession as the ballista bolts tore through their attackers in a single unified strike. Yet two survived- one wounded by the bolts and still flying, another having managed to just barely avoid them.

"Archers! Mages! Fire!"

Arrows and blades of wind tore through the night, and the wounded beast was taken out. Soon fire focused on the last remaining MaligKnight. An onslaught of projectiles fell upon it, but the creature extended its hand and fire a bolt of lightening in a beam into the walls. There was a blinding light and a loud crack as it tore through the air and struck the back wall, missing Abbas by mere meters. The last MaligKnight attempted to dive down to escape, but too many attacks were already aimed and fired at it. It too joined its comrades.

The ballisticians quickly reloaded. The scouts had their eyes peeled. Bolt runners were restocking the one shot which each ballista had used, the archers were notching new arrows. Yet there seemed to be no threat.

"All clear?" asked Abbas.
"All clear!" shouted an aging scout.
"Good. Healers, out!"

Priests of Belladonna rushed out from the stone walls, tending to whoever might be injured. Abbas turned around to watch them work, then saw one kneeling over a prone figure. "Captain Abbas!"

He ran over to the scene.

"We've...lost one." The priest turned the figure over. Abbas clenched his fists. He growled. Though scarred by lightening, Osroes was still recognizable.

"...blast it all," growled Abbas. "Samsa!"

The Cardinal quickly made himself known. "Sir...?" He looked to the Captain with knowing trepidation.

"Make fertilizer from the body."

He nodded quietly and dragged the corpse away.

It was unpleasant business, but shrewd tactics like that had managed to keep them alive. Resolve alone, Abbas knew, would not have gotten them so far. He cursed quietly- first the Masked, then the goddesses, then himself. Then just in general. Eight years had not managed to break them, but like the statues in the garden, they were slowly being worn down. He had carefully avoided it during his speech, but they couldn't keep this up forever, no matter how much they recycled.

They were running out of candies, soldiers, morale. Quite frankly, they were running out of time.

 

So I see this setting takes from the Valentian mantra of "You can't have too much citrus fruit during a food crisis". That's a joke, not a critique. In terms of critique, I think maybe there was a bit too much unnecessary information here. What's important for the story is that the characters are under siege, the exact nature and form of the enemies isn't really all that important, yet a lot of the opening is kind of dedicated to painting the setting. I see from another comment that the setting is some kind of role play (one based on Fire Emblem I'd guess from the malig knights and such), so I get that it's a fleshed out world that you wanted to briefly establish, but I feel a more vague set up would be more appropriate. As is, it's kind of working like fan fiction, in that the details it has will only really be meaningful to people already familiar with the source material.

 

 

[AnonymousSpeed]

2 minutes ago, Jotari said:

It was swift and dire, but it seems to have passed for now.

Hooray.

2 minutes ago, Jotari said:

So I see this setting takes from the Valentian mantra of "You can't have too much citrus fruit during a food crisis".

It's really more of a cultural preference.

But yeah, that's a reasonable assessment. On one hand, I want to defend the explanation of the Masked, since the story was probably more about the strange ecosystem that came about within the fortress than it was about the tension of the siege. On the other hand, I understand why that makes things cluttered and unfocused, since it's not an ethnography or anything. Am I using that word right? I don't care.

Anyway, I'm glad you gave your thoughts on the setting details. You're right in that it's based on a roleplaying campaign and that said campaign was Fire Emblem based. It's posted on this very website, but I elected to not link the setting guide because I wanted to see whether the story would make any sense to virgin eyes who didn't know about the setting already.

[TheSilentChloey]

3 hours ago, Jotari said:

I like this one. A few grammar mistakes here and there, but overall the prose were good, capturing a nice poignant feeling. I'm not sure there's really much else I can say on it, it's short and sweet, but being so short doesn't lend itself open to much specific criticism.

Oh, also all birds are dinosaurs. Not descended from dinosaurs, but literally dinosaurs under how we classify things.

Beautifully evocative. Captures feelings I am intimately familiar with.

I was waiting for some kind of subversion in this story, because as I was reading it I was thinking "Okay, kind of sweet, but what's the point." And indeed, we did get a subversion at the end. But I'm not sure the subversion was as strong as it could have been. There's no contrast of themes between the two ideas, it's more appearing to go one way and then suddenly going another. It also comes with some logistical questions.

My stomach is tearing itself apart right now. I'll review this one later.

I'm aware, but the setting of the story is before they knew that for sure.

[SoulWeaver]

I don't actually care enough to vote on the top poll so it won't let me vote on the other one. I'd pick Palisade for a) the uniqueness of the setting though this is slightly cheating as someone who the setting sheet was sent to in its entirety(and it's worth looking into, bug Anon until he shares it and the link to the actual RP because it's a world definitely worth working in more and I might also use it a bit too in the future), b) the relative cleanness of the writing(read: fewest grammar errors and smoothest story progression), and quite possibly c) bias in favor of the Christmas present the writer of said piece sent me meaning that I will hopefully be a little more active with writing in general. Much obliged Anon, thanks again.

[AnonymousSpeed]

1 hour ago, SoulWeaver said:

Christmas present the writer of said piece sent me

Much obliged Anon, thanks again.

Aaaaaaaaaaayyy! You got it! I was wondering when it'd reach you. God bless friend, I hope you get a lot of use out of that. I'm very glad to hear it reached you safely.

And of course, feel free to use the Ruined World setting as much as you want for whatever purpose you please.

Edited January 2, 2022 by AnonymousSpeed

[Acacia Sgt]

1 hour ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

And of course, feel free to use the Ruined World setting as much as you want for whatever purpose you please.

That a general invitation, heh?

[AnonymousSpeed]

4 minutes ago, Acacia Sgt said:

That a general invitation, heh?

Yeah, sure. I don't believe in copyright laws.

[Acacia Sgt]

18 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

Yeah, sure. I don't believe in copyright laws.

Admittedly, even with that okay I don't feel like actually using anything that wasn't made by me in the RP (so just Karen and her family then). If mostly due to just not knowing the full extent of what that world was going to be to really feel confident in using it myself.

Not to mention... use it for what? I'm not really gonna write for this anymore, to be honest. Though that was a given considering I just fell off the radar here lately.

[Jotari]

6 hours ago, SoulWeaver said:

c) bias in favor of the Christmas present the writer of said piece sent me meaning that I will hopefully be a little more active with writing in general. Much obliged Anon, thanks again.

Damnit Anon, you didn't tell me you were offering bribes this round.