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[RCYOA] You are going to take a walk in the park

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A "Rotating Choose Your Own Adventure" game is simple. It's like a regular choose-your-own-adventure game, but instead of me writing out the most popular path split for the whole story, each successive player writes what happens and then provides the next set of path splits for the next player to choose from.

Here is an example.

Here is another example.

It is recommend you let two other people post between your own posts, so as to encourage variety, creativity, participation, etc. All that good stuff.

***

Two years. For the past two years you've been locked inside your house, sustaining yourself on canned beans and your surplus of toilet paper from the start of the pandemic. Your colon hurts. So much. You need fresh air. You need human contact. You need to go outside. Provided, you haven't been outside in 2 years, so you really don't know what the world is like anymore. You assume there hasn't been a nuclear holocaust though, but even if there were, you choose to risk it. You're going to take a walk in the park. You know why?

A) Being concerned for your health, you want to get fresh air and exercise

B) You want to meet a pretty girl

C) So you can find old dudes playing chess and test your wits against them

D) Psych! The nuclear holocaust actually did happen, this is now a Fallout adventure

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A) Being concerned for your health, you want to get fresh air and exercise

As it turns out, however, taking a walk wasn't the healthiest choice you could've made. Ten minutes into your walk, you are ran over by a speeding bicycle. Luckily, you land on a bush and sustain no injuries beyond a small boo-boo. As you attempt to run after the cyclist in order to yell obscenities at them, you realize it wasn't a cyclist at all, but rather a bicycle-shaped alien. A terrible realization dawns on you - aliens have invaded the planet while you weren't looking! What a twist! You look up to find that the sun is not there any more and the sky is an odd shade of green. You probably should've noticed that earlier.

As you do this, you begin to feel an itch. You look at the back of your left hand. The aforementioned boo-boo is currently oozing an ugly black substance. That's probably not good. You turn around to find that the heroic bush that saved you from a sprained ankle wasn't a hero at all. Or a bush. It was a terrifying living plant of some sort. Meeting your gaze, the plant speaks: "I have injected my venom into your veins, human. Soon you shall be naught but food for my kin, just as the rest of your puny species!" As you combat the urge to scream and run in circles, you ponder what to do.

A) Politely ask for an antidote or cure.

B) Punch the plant in the face.

C) Scream and run in circles after all.

D) "So how come you speak English, anyway?"

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D) "So how come you speak English, anyway?"

"You have to be able to talk with customer service. Or your prey, heh."

It grows silent, leering at you with.... whatever optical.... thing it has to observe you with. You look back to your boo-boo and the situation didn't improve, it is still oozing black and you can feel inflammation in the region. You see a group of vaugely human-shaped persons on a nearby grassy knoll but other than that there's nobody on this wooded path that you can notice. You then consider the possibility that the venom could be similar to snake venoms and you remember hearing before that they you could try and suck it up from your blood and spit it out.

A) Ask the bush how to deal with the venom.

B) Suck the poison out!

C) Run to the group.

D) Accept your fate.

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3 hours ago, Dayni said:

C) Run to the group.

You run over to the party seeking aid, but as you ascend the knoll you realize that they are not humans, but humanoid aliens! It appears that, when they are not shapeshifted into bicycles and other such objects, they appear as little grey men like in the movies. They notice you and draw their laser pistols, speaking in an unintelligible language. You are now facing death from two directions: Lasers wielded by aliens and poison from a plant, which you assume was also an alien.

A) Surrender to the aliens

B) Develop Venom powers

C) Run into the trees and hide

D) Get rescued by the American Red Cross

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A) Surrender to the aliens

You're sick of this nonsense. Or maybe you're sick from the plant's venom. You're not sure. Either way, at this point, you're willing to gamble on this whole thing being a dream. So, you kneel before the beings and await death's sweet release. The aliens speak among themselves in their langauge. Then they scream, oddly enough. They turn around and leave as quickly as they can, as though they were terrified by your surrender. Everything makes less and less sense by the minute.

Not helping matters, what appears to be a woman with half of her body covered in moss runs up to you. You don't know where exactly she came from. While gasping for air, she explains. "I didn't think there were any other humans left in this area." You tell her you've been stuck in your house for the last two years, and know nothing of what happened outside. "Lucky you. It's a shithole out here." You ask that she mind her language. "Half my face is grass and you want me to watch my language? Fuck that, this ain't preschool." You elect not to respond to that, and instead inquire about her appearance. "Like what you see? You'll be looking worse soon enough. That plant thing that got you? That was a guy once. Most of mankind looks like that these days." Suddenly the plant's words make more sense. You wonder what kind of life that plant person led. Who knows, maybe they were one of your favorite Vtubers before. Hey, come to think of it, is the internet still a thing in this apocalyptic hellscape?

You're about to ask about the aliens (and the internet), but you are interrupted by the arrival of a new group of aliens. They wield bigger guns. You think you recognize some of them from the earlier group, but you're not sure, they all look the same. "C'mon, we gotta get outta here. Follow me! I know a place where we will be safe from those bastards!" The woman beckons you towards what appears to be a roughly dug hole in the ground. That's strange... But it sounds better than facing the aliens. Is one of them carrying a minigun? No chance you'll best them in a fight. It's time to go!

A) Follow the woman.

B) Surrender to the aliens again.

C) Run back to the living plant thing and seek its aid.

D) Run back home and find out if the internet is still up.

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8 hours ago, Saint Rubenio said:

D) Run back home and find out if the internet is still up.

The proposal is interesting, but you know what's more interesting than following a stranger who is half grass? To know if the V-tubers- you mean, if other the people around the world are okay. Is this a worldwide phenomenon or was this city the first place the aliens attacked? Are other people going through the same thing as you? Is there already a cure? You were using the Internet right before you left home, so it must still exist.

“No chance I'll best them in a fight, heh? You're right,” you say and immediately throw the woman forward to the aliens, who instinctively shoot when you start to run.

"You bastard...", she screams as she is disintegrated in an instant, leaving only a vapor in the place where she stood.

"I'm sorry, but the internet is more important, and everyone knows that 2D is better than 3D!" In a way, you're right – the internet has helped you a lot more than other people personally.

Following the path you took before, you arrive back at your house. Your hand is still oozing liquid and is now completely black. Your hope is that others have shared similar experiences on the internet. Upon entering, you immediately lock the door and go straight to the computer. Opening several tabs in the browser you search about the invasion, about a cure for the hand, but strangely, everything seems ok. There is no news about an alien invasion, your favorite V-tuber is still streaming and all sorts of information about the condition of your hand is from "common" diseases.

A) Dig deeper, visiting shady sites if need be

B) Trying to contact your family members

C) Run back to the place where you got hurt and beg the plant for a second chance

D) Accept your fate

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D) Accept your fate

After hours of scouring the internet, you’re starting to feel mentally and emotionally drained. Your hand must be similarly drained, because it has now completely stopped oozing liquid, though its new color remains and it now looks decayed and disheveled. You decide to take a little mental break and look around the house you’ve been trapped in for the past two years. You begin to wonder why you’re putting in so much effort as your eyes scour the rooms and furniture that are now devoid of comfort and joy. Your only pleasant memories from these past 2 years are kicking back and relaxing to watch your favorite V-tubers. Yes, that’s what you need to feel better, the only thing that could possibly help… and who cares about your physical health anyway? You certainly don’t.

You close every tab and pull up your favorite V-tuber’s current stream, laying back with a smile on your face. Slowly, you begin to grow light headed as your hand writhes in agony. Eventually, even your V-tuber can’t distract you from this, so you get up and stagger towards the door. However, you only take a couple steps before completely passing out.

Two years. For the past two years you've been locked inside your house, sustaining yourself on canned beans and your surplus of toilet paper from the start of the pandemic. Your colon hurts. So much. Though it’s nothing compared to how your hand felt. But… when did your hand hurt that bad again? And why? You need fresh air. You need human contact. You need to go outside. But for some strange reason, you feel like you already had a bit, not too long ago. Provided, you haven't been outside in 2 years, so you really don't know what the world is like anymore. You assume there hasn't been a nuclear holocaust though, but even if there were, you choose to risk it. You're going to take a walk in the park. You know why?

More than anything, a strange sense of deja vu is urging you out the door, but on top of that…

A) Being concerned for your health, you want to get fresh air and exercise

B) You want to meet a pretty girl

C) So you can find old dudes playing chess and test your wits against them

D) Psych! The nuclear holocaust actually did happen, this is now a Fallout adventure

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B) You want to meet a pretty girl

You have had enough of loneliness. It's time to find a real girl and finally find out what the big deal is with this "secks" thing. You hope you'll find a real life gamer girl. As you step out, however, things don't seem quite right. Your lawn appears to have grown considerably. And you're pretty sure it's whispering. Eh, you figure you've probably just gone mad. Two years alone in the house is a long time. Was it really just two years...?

Anyway, you make your way to the park. Strange gray corpses and charred vines litter the landscape. It appears as though a great battle was fought here. But you don't care about that. All that matters is the search for p*ssy.

Eventually, you come upon a woman. She looks to you with hatred in her eyes. A Tsundere, eh? You make your best seductive face and use one of your favorite harem manga protagonist's lines before realizing she's transparent. Ghostly, even. And angry. Really angry.

"You sack of shit! I tried to help you and you use me as fucking bait? Took me long enough to find you. Better get ready, 'cause now that I have, I'm gonna haunt the shit outta you!" Somehow, her words only make your hornier.

Still, you figure playing hard to get would make her more interested in you. You try to run, only to realize her words might have more truth to them than even she knows - you really need to take a shit. If you attempt to take off in a hurry, your pants might not survive to tell the tale.

This just isn't your day.

A) Run anyway. What's the worst that could happen?

B) Inform the ghostly girl of your stinky predicament and request five minutes before she begins the haunting.

C) Hide behind a tree to poo.

D) Screw it. Attempt to kiss the ghost.

Edited by Saint Rubenio

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>mfw no ability to shit in front of the ghost to assert masculine dominance

28 minutes ago, Saint Rubenio said:

C) Hide behind a tree to poo.

Weighing your options carefully, you consider kissing the angry ghost which arouses you, but man your colon is really giving it to you. So after leaning forward about an inch, you stop and make a break for the nearest tree. Thankfully this tree is quite large, so you expect the ghost will not be able to see you past it...unless she, like...follows you, which you didn't really think about it.

You drop your pants, squat down, and do the deed, but while you are getting your toilet paper ready (for you have so much of it that it's literally coming out of your ears in infinite supply), you notice something horrific. You notice your hand is blacker than Ray Charles's vision! How did this happen? You don't remember anything to cause it...was this recent? Did the ghost do it? Is this what haunting is like? Is this what love is like?

Whatever it is, your hand hurts intensely once you touch the grass. You sweat from pain and the exertion of taking a dump, and your hand suddenly transforms into a plant hand!

A) Your hand becomes a flower hand. You can use its sweet scent to charm others.

B) Your hand becomes a vine hand. You can use it as a whip.

C) Your hand becomes a succulent hand. It stores water and its thorns can be used as a melee weapon, for a cactus is a succulent.

D) Your hand falls off. Maybe you'll grow a new one?

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On 1/14/2022 at 9:59 PM, AnonymousSpeed said:

D) Your hand falls off. Maybe you'll grow a new one?

Losing a hand in and of itself is a pretty unfortunate position to be in. However, the force of gravity decides that your hand gets to land in everything else that just left your body. Your hand jumps up, covered in it, and scurries away. Apparently it is now has a mind of its own, on top of being detached from your body and covered in feces. You hope this won’t affect you later.

You get up and dust yourself off, which takes longer than usual thanks to having one hand. Surprisingly, your absence of a hand doesn’t hurt at all, and you have a perfectly round little knob at the end of your arm where your hand once was, like it grew off in a very odd way instead of being severed.

Just as you’re considering getting your first half off manicure (which you desperately need after 2 years), a piercing scream cuts through the park. You recognize the voice of the ghost and hurry out from behind the tree, though you feel like this isn’t the first time you’ve heard her shriek in terror. You see your hand scuttling around the ghost, seemingly following her wherever she goes. The ghost notices you and screams “You there! Stop being useless and help someone for once in your life! I’ll forgive you or whatever it is you want if you get rid of this stupid thing!!”

Nice, this is the perfect chance for you to save the girl from the supernatural, just like in all your favorite animes.

A) Charge at the hand screaming like your favorite animoo protags, hoping for a power boost in your time of need that changes the color of your hair.

B) Attempt to restrain the hand with the infinite amount of toilet paper you can summon from your ears, which you can also extend and move at will.

C) “Aren’t you a ghost? Can’t you just phase through the ground and it can’t follow you anymore? Why are you even this afraid, anyway? I get that it’s a little weird, but it literally can’t touch you because that’s how ghosts work. This feels like quite a contrived way to force our relationship to improve and some sort of plot to continue from this, and quite frankly, I’m not buying it.”

D) Screw this, your dream woman would be making very different sounds at the sight of one of your body parts covered in poop. Time to go get that half off manicure.

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A) Charge at the hand screaming like your favorite animoo protags, hoping for a power boost in your time of need that changes the color of your hair.

This is it. This is your chance. The damsel shall be conquered by you, mighty Emperor of Love. You charge with all your might, screaming "ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA" and you begin to perform your secret technique. The hand puts up a good, long fight, but you deflect its every blow while you monologue about something or other. Soon, the fight takes you to the side of the cliff. You pick up the broken, defeated hand and toss it down, after saying a most badass one-liner.

That's what you were picturing while you ran, anyway. Instead, you stumbled on the hand as you charged, crushing it, and then fell on your ass. You made the funniest yelp as you slipped, too. It was hilarious. The ghost comes toward you while you're still rubbing your aching buttocks. You assume she's smitten by your bravery and is about to reward you with a smooch. Instead, the ghost lifts you onto the air with some spooky ghost powers. You begin to feel as though your limbs are being torn off. It hurts like hell. What's going on? You saved the girl, this isn't supposed to happen, is it? I guess she really was a Tsundere after all... Wait a minute, why are you thinking as though you'd met her before...?

Suddenly, you hear a racket, which quickly becomes louder. You turn your head as best you can, and find that you are no longer alone with the ghost. An old man with a short, yet bushy white beard, wearing an old-fashioned biker outfit and riding, predictably enough, a motorbike, has appeared. He says, "hello there, young man. You seem to be in a bit of a pickle. May I help? My name is Star. Rock Star. I led a gang of bikers, the Softspoken Riders. Mean bunch, but kind and loyal. However, my boys were all lost two years ago to the infection known as the Plant Infection, alongside most of humanity. Their plantified forms must've been put down by the aliens during the great war between the invading extraterrestrials and the infected humans. They killed each other, leaving the world to us few humans who still live. Now we make our way through life was best we can, surviving on scraps and fending off the dangers of the post-apocalyptic world."

You let out a pained grunt in response to the old man's unending rambling. "Oh, please forgive me. I've been told before that I talk too much. Exposition is my middle name. Literally, my full name is Rock Exposition Star. My parents were an odd sort... Anyhow, allow me to lend you my aid. In my youth, I used to be something of an exorcist. The work of an exorcist entailed dealing with ghostly hauntings quite often, by mean of the sacred tools, the first of which was--"

You must respond to the old man before he starts spewing exposition again, but... you're not sure about this. Perhaps the girl ghost is merely performing a kinky BDSM technique on you. You wouldn't want to miss out on that! Besides, in every single manga and anime you've ever seen, the old man with the beard is always, without exception, a villain. Chances are you cannot trust this Exposition fellow... If that's even his real name!

A) Ask for the old man's help.

B) Tell the old man to go away and let you have kinky secks in peace.

C) Listen to some more of the old man's exposition.

D) The ghost, too, is distracted by the old man. Now is your chance - give her a flying kick and free yourself!

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21 minutes ago, Saint Rubenio said:

A) Ask for the old man's help.

The man's name is Rock Star. You might not realize it, but cosmic forces beyond your control understand that not teaming up with him is a biggest missed opportunity than any ghussy imaginable, and even some ghussy which are unimaginable. Obeying an irresistible compulsion (or perhaps just finding this foreplay a bit too painful for your tastes), you request the biker assist you before you lose any more of your extremities.

"Gladly my dear boy!" Rock reached into his leather jacket and pulled out a silver cross. "I purchased this silver cross in Calcutta for ten year's wages in the region, which is a bit under five thousand dollars. It was the first tool which I obtained as a young man studying to perform exorcisms in the Catholic tradition, before-"

The heavens parted and a divine appearance spoke from above. "Get on with it," said the Lord.

"Ah yes, of course, my mistake. You see, I realized that you really only need the name of Jesus to perform an exorcism, and not any relics or iconography. I was first introduced to the idea when I entered a debate with a young Seventh Day Adventist who was traveling through south Asia as a missionary to-"

"Ahem."

"Forgive me, my God. Spirit, I command you in the name of Jesus Christ to loose this boy and trouble us no longer."

And so, shrieking like Seto Kaiba facing Exodia, the woman was banished, and you fall to the ground free from her affliction, until Ruben decides he wants to resume that plot-point at least. You get to your feet, confirming you still have both of them, and thank Rock Star for his aid.

"I have done nothing, you have actually been helped by Jesus, who was born of a virgin in Bethlehem-"
"I have heard the Christmas story before."
"Right, my bad. What will you do now, my boy?"

A) Inform Rock Star that you have been infected by a plant and ask about a cure

B) Hop in Rock Star's side car and accompany him to the north

C) Look for a prosthetic hand

D) Seek alien artifacts of immeasurable power

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1 hour ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

C) Look for a prosthetic hand

What better opportunity to get a GO GO GADGET arm?

The only question is... Where to find one? You could head into the city to search for a mad scientist, but you did decide to go for a walk in the park, and it might be too soon to go back on that choice. As you ponder this, Rock Star begins to walk away, absorbed in his own world.

Do you:

A) Search for a prosthetic in the park

B) Search for a mad scientist in the city to make you a go go Gadget arm

C) Find candles in an attempt summon your spectral waifu now that Star has left

D) Try to summon a demon to help you make a prosthetic

E) Follow Mr. Star

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E) Follow Mr. Star

You follow Rock Star as he leaves. "What is it, boy? If it is repayment for my deed, I have no need for anything. You see, when I was 27 years old--" Before he can continue, you interject. "Hey, I was thinking, I would like to get myself a prosthetic arm. Or maybe find a mad scientist or a demon to make me an awesome cyborg arm. You think you could help me?"

"No, son. I can't help you with that. You can't just pick E and then ask me to do everything else. That'd be a pretty cool loophole, but it would go against the spirit of the thread." You are confused beyond words by the man's words. You are so confused, that your confusion manifests itself in the form of a physical entity. A monkey playing a harmonica, for some reason beyond your understanding.

Understanding the meaning of this apparition is the least of your problems, however. The monkey's playing is so bad that it's making your ears bleed. "This is not good, boy. We stand before a ghoul that even the power of Jesus Christ cannot repel. I had hoped so dearly that I would never see one of these again... We must leave here at once." You are still processing the old man's previous words, however. What was that? Could it be what they call "fourth wall break" in anime? But that doesn't make any sense. It would imply you're not real. You're not a fictional character in a story written at random by some dorks on the internet... are you?

A) Request that Rock Star elaborates about what he said.

B) Ignore these doubts for the time being and run with Rock Star to safety.

C) Punch the monkey in the face.

D) Suffer an existential crisis.

Edited by Saint Rubenio

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19 minutes ago, Saint Rubenio said:

C) Punch the monkey in the face.

The monkey is not a spirit, but a physical entity, and for this reason cannot be simply cast out. However, it is for that same reason vulnerable to physical attacks. You strike it with your nub, smashing it to pieces. It appears to have been one of those toy mechanical monkeys, and not a true flesh-and-blood primate. This adrenaline-fueled act of violence is sufficient to remove any existential thoughts from your mind. True to your RPG instincts, you loot the shattered remains for the harmonica. Yet you still need a new hand.

A) Follow Rock Star and attempt to find a hand on your journey northward

B) Look for a mad scientist in the remains of the city who can build you a robotic arm

C) Scavenge for alien technology in the hopes of finding a robotic arm

D) Ask the plant people to help you sprout a new arm

E) Return to your computer and search for your favorite Vtuber, who can help you with an awkwardly animated digital reconstruction of an arm

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20 hours ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

C) Scavenge for alien technology in the hopes of finding a robotic arm

Since you're out here anyways, may as well take in the sights, and maybe find a prosthetic while you're at it. Finding a pile of fine rubble, you decide to clear it out, just in case there are alien remnants below. After some work, you eventually find a strange, shimmering hole, glowing a soft pink and deep red light. Peering down the hole, it seems to open up into an ocean of some strange liquid matching the color of the light. Perhaps it's a portal. If there's a portal, that must mean...

Curious, you toss some of the rubble in. As the rubble touches the liquid within the hole, it ripples and disappears. How strange. 

A) It's clearly the concealed lair of a mad scientist! It's a good idea to go in there.

B) It's an underground lake. Perhaps I should explore it.

C) Someone has been working strange magic here. Go and ask Mr. Star about it.

D) It's a portal to the Demon realm! I could go in there, but I don't know if that is wise.

E) It's just a hole, keep looking for alien remnants.

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C) Someone has been working strange magic here. Go and ask Mr. Star about it.

You look around and spot Rock Star nearby, having joined you in scavenging the area, though you imagine he's probably looking for food or spare parts for his bike, rather than an arm. Just in case, you ask if he's found an arm. After he shakes his head, you point him towards the portal.

"Hmmm... I would love to tell you all about this, but unfortunately, I've never seen anything like this in my life - and I've lived a long life, lemme tell you that much! I know every type of supernatural magic there is. This is not that. Looks more alien to me, but that's not my area of expertise." Rock Star ponders for a short while. "Perhaps we could call upon an old friend. His name is Edge Lord. Alien research is his specialty. He'd been warning the world's top scientists about the invasion for years, but everybody ignored him because he's too moody." Rock Star produces a phone from his pocket. "Yeah? Edge Lord, you there? Eyyy, Edgy, ol' pal!" You can't help but wonder who keeps coming up with these names. Come to think of it, what is your name, anyway? "Yeah, I know, it's been a while, but-- No, listen, we can talk about that another day. We've got a situation here. Perhaps you could help? Yeah, looks portally, pink light, pink water... Weird, all in all. Okay. Aha... All right, thanks. See you soon!"

Rock Star's friend arrives in no time at all. Those bikes are something else. The rider is a woman, about Rock Star's age. She doesn't look like a biker, even though she's riding a bike similar to Rock Star's. Rock Star clicks his tongue and mumbles "damn you, Edgy... how could you sell me out like this... I was going to return your ten bucks one of these years..." You are about to ask, when Rock Star receives a slap from the woman. You bravely step back and pretend to be a tree, while watching the conflict unfold.

"Where the hell have you even been, you bastard?" Rock Star, sporting an uncharacteristic expression of mixed annoyance and fear, responds. "The world's end began while I was away buying milk, honey. What did you want me to do? I couldn't return home, there was a rift to hell in the way." "Oh yeah, some rift. Cleared it just fine with one of your dear babies." You assume she's talking about the bike. "You'll have to come up with a better excuse, Rock. You just wanted to get away without a proper divorce."

Great. An old married couple, your favorite trope. You smirk at your own witty sarcasm. Once she's done yelling at him, the woman turns to you. "I am Mary. Pleased to meet you." At least she has a sensible name. You just can't stop wondering about your own, though. "So what's this thing you wanted me to see?" You say you were expecting a man called Edge Lord. "Yes, he told me to come in his place. We studied alien lifeforms together. I probably should've married him instead of this lowlife, but... Well, he can be kind of an ass, and the old fossil used to be handsome enough. What an idiot I was..." You try to convey your lack of interest with a glare.

"Let's see... Yes, it's a portal all right. Most likely leads to the home planet of the aliens. In fact, you might've found the starting point of the invasion. It's probably dangerous to go in. I advise walking away." "Maybe we can toss her in, see what happens?" Rock Star's suggestion sends chills down your spine. He's like a completely different person now that his wife is here. Perhaps being a virgin isn't so bad after all...

A) Jump into the portal.

B) Ask Rock Star to jump first.

C) Follow Rock Star's suggestion, push the hag in.

D) See if you can remember what your name is.

E) Play Fire Emblem Heroes on Rock Star's phone.

Edited by Saint Rubenio

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5 minutes ago, Saint Rubenio said:

A) Jump into the portal.

The moment she says it’s a portal to… somewhere, anywhere, you pretty much tune out the rest of your conversation. This is your chance to be isekai’d, like all of your favorite protags! Images of all the potential alien babes flood your mind as you leap into the portal without a moment’s hesitation.

You expected an alien planet to be a bit more advanced. You imagined yourself arriving in a futuristic city full of technological advancements, hot alien women, and maybe a cure for your missing hand. Instead, a vast field of nothingness surrounded by barren mountains on all sides greets you from the other side of the portal. It’s at this moment that you realize the aliens probably had to have a reason to want to pack up and leave.

Slowly, Mr. and Mrs. Star creep in the portal behind you, taking in all the nothing. “Well… that was anticlimactic,” Mrs. Star says, looking disappointed that an alien wasn’t waiting to chop off her husband’s head.

As you look around, you spot the only two signs that anything has ever lived: a massive, sprawling ruin down the empty field and a small, but lit up, city on one of the mountains far away. Your companions begin to poke around as you decide what to do.

A) Investigate the old ruins.

B) Journey to the mountain where the city is.

C) Ask Mr. Star if he’s ever seen anything like this in his 4000 years.

D) Dig around in the dirt to see what you can find.

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17 minutes ago, Sooks said:

B) Journey to the mountain where the city is.

Ruins probably contain dangerous enemies, and you should at least check the shops first. That's just simple video game logic.

Rock and Mary Star begin reminiscing about their honeymoon in a passive-aggressive manner. They become so enraptured by their snarling that when you tell them to stay back and guard the portal, they completely brush you off and continue arguing. You ask to borrow a motorcycle.

"Sure, whatever."

Mission accomplished, you guess? On to adventure! You mount the motorcycle and drive towards the mountain. What exciting shops, sidequests, and sexy NPCs will await you?

As you approach the details of the city grow clearer. You dismount your bike at a distance of about 300 paces and creep closer to the city, taking a vantage point hiding behind a rock. Your eyes remain peeled for hot alien babes, but all you see is a standard looking urban catastrophe of steel and brick buildings. The strangest thing about this city is how the streets are devoid of garbage, the buildings are free of graffiti, and the crime rate is very low. However, you are a dirty weaboo who only sees cities in anime, so this doesn't strike you as odd in the slightest. The second strangest thing about the city does strike you quite quickly though. Walking the sidewalks are not people, but independently moving bikes. You realize that the default form of the aliens is not a little grey man, as you had presumed, but rather a bicycle, as you forgot struck you at the beginning of your journey. This is 100% not kawaii-desu!

A) Use the Star family's motorcycle to infiltrate the alien society.

B) Enter the city without a disguise and see if any of the aliens notice.

C) Cover your head with sackcloth and ashes and scream about how this is not very kawaii-desu.

D) Screw it. Seduce a bicycle.

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5 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

D) Screw it. Seduce a bicycle.

You walk up to a bycicle-alien. Claring your throat, you say "Hey there, babealicious. Hope you're into BDSM, 'cause I'd like for you to use those chains on me tonight. Chains wheely gets me going, and your massive mommy handlebars are some of the finest pairs of anything I've laid eyes on."

The bustling town falls silent.

Thousands of aliens slowly roll onto the street, and you are suddenly surrounded. The bike you tried to seduce hisses.

"Hyyyuuuman... You hhhhhhhaaaaave made a grave errrrrrrrror..."

"You know, boyo, I can't argue with that, that was super creepy of ya. You done goofed up. Just like me in the 1960s, when i was on the run fro-."

The Stars join the aliens, while Rock continues his monologue. The sound of thousands of unified gears fills the air as the mob moves forward. You love being stepped on as much as the next guy, but in public....? By several thousand alien-bikes? This might be going too far. 

You've only about ten seconds before the mob reaches you. Do you..

A) Stepped on by a thousand aliens? Nice. In public? That makes it all the better. You cannot think of any way you could die happier than in this manner.

B) Pray for Tsundere ghost to save you. Especially if it's in that painful manner she picked you up with earlier.

C)  Attempt to manifest a grappling-hook prosthetic arm using the power of your mind so that you can grapple onto the top of a building lik an action hero.

D) Yell "SHAAAAUUUUUUUUUUNNN!" In the hopes that it has an effect on the crowd.

E) Run towards the mob and attempt to grab the handlebars of one of the bikes as it rides past, using it to get through the crowds on both sides.

F) Plead with the Stars.

G) Try to take the Stars down with you.

H) Search your pockets.

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So many options, yet only one possible answer.

D) Yell "SHAAAAUUUUUUUUUUNNN!" In the hopes that it has an effect on the crowd.

You aren't sure why you did that, but it had an effect. An unexpected effect - Rock Star interrupts his expositioning! He gives you a bewildered look. "How... How do you know my real name!?" You elect not to explain that it is an internet meme, and instead point your finger at him. "I knew I couldn't trust the old man with the beard! You were a traitor all along!" Rock looks even more surprised. "No! You know my full name!? What is this? How could you possibly know that my real name is Shawn T. Raitor!?" You cannot believe what you hear. He really was a traitor. You really shouldn't have trusted the bearded old man, especially after he broke the 4th wall that one time. Rock notices the signs of understanding in your face, and smiles.

"That's right, boy. My name was never Rock Star. Rock is just a nickname, because I tripped on a rock once and everyone thought it was really funny. And, guess what? This isn't my wife at all!" Mary gives Rock a murderous glare. "Ah, it was worth a shot. Yeah, no, that was true. I am unfortunately shackled to this grumpy sack of bones, till death do us part, may it happen soon." You have so many questions, but you are completely surrounded, and your scream hasn't had the slightest effect on the aliens. Death is imminent. "Anyway, the truth is, WE brought on the invasion. What reason did we have for wanting humanity gone? There certainly is a reason, but it's too early in the story for it to be revealed. In any case, we established communications with this alien species and helped them to create portals to Earth. Edge Lord figured out our plans and tried to stop us, but I defeated him by borrowing 10 bucks from him. That guy's a moron. He allowed himself to be distracted by his rage over the unpaid debt for 17 years, rendering him unable to halt our plans for the destruction of society and mankind!"

This is terrible. Rock... You only knew him for roughly an hour, but this betrayal is too much to bear. You call him a poopyhead. This angers him, and he charges you. You don't even have the time to fantasize about your epic anime battle before his fist collides with your nose. He then scurries behind the lines of alien bicycles. "Why?" You muster all of your remaining energy to utter that word. "I have no idea, to be honest. I already won four years ago. I had no reason to mess with you like this, but... eh." The wife rolls her eyes at Rock's terrible attempt at explaining himself. At least you can take solace in the fact that, though you may die, he'll spend the rest of his life wishing it had been him instead. Or his wife. Probably his wife.

However, just when everything appears hopeless...

A) The ghostly girl from before arrives! You are her prey, and she isn't about to let you die a quick death!

B) A man dressed in... purple and green, surprisingly enough, jumps in with a battle hammer. It's Edge Lord!

C) One of the bikes begins to fight off the rest. Looks like Rock was not the only traitor in this place!

D) A random explosion goes off, giving you a chance to slip away while everyone is momentarily distracted.

E) Nobody comes to save you. You die an anticlimatic death. But that doesn't necessarily mean this story is over...

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9 minutes ago, Saint Rubenio said:

C) One of the bikes begins to fight off the rest. Looks like Rock was not the only traitor in this place!

Just as suddenly as Shaun’s fist connected with your face, one of the alien bikes zooms through the crowd, ramming all the others while appearing unhurt itself. It also appears to be a bit faster than the rest of the bikes, whose numbers are down sufficiently before they have time to react. But it’s clear that they hold the overwhelming advantage in numbers alone.

”Quickly, get on! I’ve only bought us a little bit of time!” the bike says, zooming to your side. You didn’t quite catch how exactly it was talking, but you were more focused on not catching an early death and hop on anyways. The bike then speeds along on its own while some of the crowd attempt to follow, but they’re quickly left in the distance as your bike’s speed advantage kicks in.

Several minutes of riding down the mountain pass before you finally decide to break the silence. “So what… who… are you?”

”Me? My name is Sghrflœåertÿç87$!, member of the alien resistance. Or, I was a member, before Mary killed our leader and the opposing faction of pro-invasion aliens raided all of our bases, and killing and capturing most of our members. I was one of the few who escaped.” As it talks, you notice it has some sort of mouth in between the handlebars that it is using to talk, which answers your other burning question. “Mary Star must be stopped. Her husband may have already won four years ago, but that hasn’t stopped her from scheming in the shadows all these years, attempting to bring her plans to fruition. She knows how to manipulate anyone and anything to her will, like she’s tricked Shaun into doing her dirty work these past years. When I escaped the resistance after its downfall, my dying comrades made it very clear that no matter what, this fight had to be continued. I knew the Stars would return here again, at some point, likely with some new puppet to manipulate, so I bided my time in the city. I believe you were likely that puppet. I can’t be sure what exactly they wanted with you, but I know that if you could have helped them, you can help us instead. Will you help me reestablish the resistance, and stop that vile witch once and for all?”

You look up at the sky in thought. This planet seems to be closer to a lot more stars than earth; the bright lights of hundreds of stars shine in the sky, giving this empty planet a touch of beauty. As you scan the stars, you consider what to do.

A) Agree to reestablish the resistance with Sghrflœåertÿç87$! and seek out Edge Lord for help.

B) Agree to reestablish the resistance with Sghrflœåertÿç87$! and seek out Tsundere Ghost for help.

C) Agree to reestablish the resistance with Sghrflœåertÿç87$! and seek out your favorite V-tuber for help.

D) Ask Sghrflœåertÿç87$! what it knows about what’s happened to your hand, if anything.

E) Politely decline its offer and ask to be taken back through the portal.

F) Ask Sghrflœåertÿç87$! about the old ruins.

G) Attempt to manually steer the bike back to the city and beg for the Stars to unbetray you.

H) Why should you care about any of this? You couldn’t care less about alien invasions or twist villains, you’re still on your original mission. Ask Sghrflœåertÿç87$! about hot singles in the area.

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Spoiler

  

30 minutes ago, Saint Rubenio said:

E) Nobody comes to save you. You die an anticlimatic death. But that doesn't necessarily mean this story is over...

You have died.

As the tirade of bikes crushes you to death, you can't help but feel that this wasn't quite the dominatrix sexual fantasy you were hoping for. As everything goes black, you regret dying a virgin and never meeting your favorite Vtubers.

Your eyes flutter open. You look up from the waiting room couch to see the Good Lord himself. "Where am I?"
"You are standing before me to receive judgement."
"Oh. Do I get to go to heaven?" you ask hopefully.
"No. Why would you go to heaven?"

...well fuck, you can't really think of an answer for that one. You are banished to the underworld and land on your buttocks, causing you further pain in addition to the soreness caused by all those bikes running you over. As you get to your feet, you hear a familiar voice calling out to you. "Hey @$$hole! Took you long enough to get here!"

It's your ghost girlfriend! How overjoyed you are! She still seems mad, but that's just how all the tsunderes in all the anime you've seen are.

"What are you smiling at me for? I'm going to haunt you for eternity. I'm here to torture you."

A) Ask how she intends to haunt you when you are both specters in the underworld

B) "Jokes on you, I'm into that!"

C) Plot to escape the underworld using a large wooden horse

I was ninja beamed.

Edited by AnonymousSpeed

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4 minutes ago, Sooks said:

H) Why should you care about any of this? You couldn’t care less about alien invasions or twist villains, you’re still on your original mission. Ask Sghrflœåertÿç87$! about hot singles in the area.

All this cosmic conspiracy mumbo-jumbo is making your head spin, and quite frankly you don't expect the lore to get any neater or more concise. You can't afford to get wrapped up in everyone else's problems, or something else will pop up every hour and you'll never get to secks. You need more focus! So you ask, uh...

"Can I call you Sig?"

"Sure. What do you need?"

"I'm looking for local hot singles to 'secks' with."

"You mean...unicycles? I don't know man, it seems kinda wrong to fetishize the disabled."

"No, I mean females without partners. I'm looking for a boyfriend-free girl."

"...but what about the resistance?"

"Resisting would reduce my chances of getting laid!"

"Alright, how about this. You help me defeat the Stars, and I'll help you find a date. Deal?"

You consider this. Sig seems to be a trustworthy bike, and although you've been wrong about everyone you've met before, you lack the self awareness to notice that. Besides, you have to meet someone trustworthy eventually, right? But it does sound like a lot of effort just to get a bicycle to help you find a date...

A) Accept the offer

B) Reject the offer

C) The Stars catch up to you before you can respond

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C) The Stars catch up to you before you can respond

You are an indecisive person. It takes you no less than 17 minutes before you have an answer for Sig. You open your mouth to say to... him? Her? It? And there you go again, you're back in the vicious cycle of indecisiveness. You spend another 21 minutes thinking before deciding to just ask Sig what their gender is. She says she's female!? Incredible! Perhaps you don't need Sig to lead you to hot singles at all - SHE can be the hot single! Realizing she may've made a poor choice in answering honestly, Sig swiftly reminds you of the bargain she proposed. You begin to accept, with the condition that she has secks with you once it's all over, and then helps you summon your ghost girlfriend so you can finally have that kinky BDSM secks. And four or five other favors you've thought up too.

You fail to let out the words. Not out of shame or timidness, but because Rock's fist is once again crashing at high speed against your nose. Damnit, they're here already? So soon? It took no time at all! "I can't believe I caught up to you. How long have you been standing there?" If bicycles had eyes, Sig would probably be rolling them right now. "Well, anyway. The wife says I gotta kill you both now." As he says this, you realize she's not here. Typical villain, leaving everything to the underling while she leaves to do whatever off-screen. "She always thinks she's in charge. Like she's so important. And she always makes a point to let me know just how useless I am. Fuckin' harpy..." Rock spits on the ground. "Whatever. If I don't do as she says, she'll stop doing my taxes and teaching me how to use my phone. I have emails to send, I can't let that happen. So it's time to go." Rock cracks his knuckles. This strikes you as the shortest interaction you've ever had with him.

You study your opponent. You don't have time to draw any conclusions before you eat your third punch of the day. He's fast, that much is clear. Despite his age, he's built like a rock (no pun intended). Your chance of defeating him is roughly 67.7%. Negative 67.7%. As in, if you try to fight, you'll only hurt yourself and do his job for him. You need an alternate plan of action.

A) According to Sig, Mary is the real mastermind, and Rock's hatred for her seems genuine. Attempt to reason with Rock.

B) You know how Rock loves to monologue and give exposition. Try to lead him on, see if it's enough to distract him.

C) Sig is an alien, an above-average alien warrior at that. Hide behind her.

D) Ghosts are scary. Cry for your ghost girlfriend to come and save you.

E) Draw your gun and shoot. You don't actually have a gun, but perhaps one will manifest in your hands if you perform the motions. That's how it works in America, isn't it?

F) You die anticlimatically. But that doesn't necessarily mean this story is over...

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