cyoa [RCYOA] You are going to take a walk in the park

[Sooks]

19 hours ago, Saint Rubenio said:

B) You know how Rock loves to monologue and give exposition. Try to lead him on, see if it's enough to distract him.

“Wait wait! WAIT!” you proclaim, throwing your hands up. Rocks hesitates for just a second, confused. “I don’t understand something. If you hate Mary so much, why exactly are you married? I get that she helps you now but…”

Rocks ponders on this for a second. “Well, once upon a time, it was more complicated than this. To fully understand we have to go back to Cleveland, Ohio, circa 1969. I was fresh out of grad school, you see, studying to become a doctor. Everyone loves doctors, my parents pressured me to become one from a young age, and that all stems from their traumatic childhoods—“

Perfect! It worked! Now you look around, making a plan as Rock drones on about the phase of the moon on the day his mom’s great grandma was born.

A) Punch Rock really hard now that his guard is down.

B) Kick Rock really hard now that his guard is down.

C) Hop on Sig and speed away.

D) Jump off the mountain to escape. You don’t have a parachute or anything like that, but you don’t need one. Since Rock is the twist villain and Sig is the good alien trying to introduce you into the fantasy world, this makes you the main character, meaning you have plot armor. You could never die, right?

E) Now that Rock is going on and on about his tragic backstory, try to comfort him through it when he eventually gets to it in five hours, hoping to persuade him to join your side.

F) Commit tax evasion with Rock. If that’s what’s keeping him with his wife, he’ll surely help you if you do it instead!

[AnonymousSpeed]

Spoiler

"Everything the state says is a lie, and everything it has it has stolen."

-Nietzsche

1 hour ago, Sooks said:

F) Commit tax evasion with Rock. If that’s what’s keeping him with his wife, he’ll surely help you if you do it instead!

"-and that was around that Steven Jobs released his eye-phone, which my wife purchased for me for my birthday. Little did I realize this was yet another plan by her to ensnare me, for I was unable to use it without her aid, and as I and society became more reliant on phones, this dependency only grew greater and greater."

"Hey, I can use a phone." Indeed, this is one of your few talents. "If you betray her and un-betray me, I'll help you use it."

"What about my taxes?"

"Uh...yeah, I can do taxes too." You cannot do taxes, but if a green dinosaur can do it, how hard could it be?

This information overjoys Rock Star. "Ho ho ho! Finally my good lad, I may be free of that horrible witch! Oh, thank you so much! I am forever in your debt. So, tell me...how do I change my voicemail?"

A) Help Rock Star change his voicemail to something talking smack about his wife

B) Actually teach Rock Star how to change his voicemail himself

C) Find a signal so you can research tax evasion

D) Inquire as to what status quo you are attempting to restore on the bicycle planet

[Benice]

1 hour ago, Sooks said:

F) Commit tax evasion with Rock. If that’s what’s keeping him with his wife, he’ll surely help you if you do it instead

You put your hand on Rock's shoulder.

"Rock, my boy, I think the solution is to commit tax evasion. I'll help you with it if you can get us out of here."

Rock considers it for moment.

"Mm... No, your pickup line was even worse than my marriage. In fact, it was even worse than when I took the plane to New Mexico back in 1972..."

You curse internally, thinking that you'd have been able to avoid death by avoiding taxes. While thinking about this, Sig appears to have gone missing as well.

In the distance, you see some rebellious youth Trycicles, armed with baseball bats. Perhaps they're on your side, and desire to exert their teenage angst upon the older generation? Do you-

14 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

and that was around

FRICK I got ninja'd.

14 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

A) Help Rock Star change his voicemail to something talking smack about his wife

Agreeing to your terms, Rock hands you his phone.

You gasp in horror.

"It-it's a Nokia N-Gage!"

What cursed sorcery is this? How could Rock have acquired this technology made of the darkest of magic and technology? Perhaps Rock is less complicit than he seemed at first in this whole affair; he had yet to make a joke at the N-Gage's expense, meaning that he knew not what greater forces were at work.

"Oh-ho, I know where that came from. A shame this conflict had to involve you, but now that you've seen the Phorbidden Phone, you're in this all the way, whether you like it or not."

A deep, booming voice sounds from behind you. Turning around, you see that it is...

 

A) Barack Obama, who has collected all of the Chaos Emeralds and is fighting to save the world.

B) A Penny-Farthing knight, here to run you over. It's so heavy it won't even be fun...

C) The ghost waifu using a voice modulator.

D) Korone, your favorite VTuber.

E) Shozou Kaga and David Cage

Edited January 18, 2022 by Benice

[Sooks]

1 hour ago, Benice said:

E) Shozou Kaga and David Cage

“SHAUN!! SHAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNN!!!” the deep voice bellows, catching both of you off guard. You whirl around to see a balding, French middle-aged man and an old Japanese dude standing behind you. The French guy pretty obviously seems like the one who yelled that, considering how out of breath he is.

”Davey!? What are you doing here, old friend?” Rock asks, a look of pleasant surprise on his face.

“Isn’t it obvious? The moment someone screamed the sacred word, I was summoned. It just took me a little while to get here, that’s all.” Considering the word he just screamed, it doesn’t take an FBI agent with futuristic technology sunglasses to figure out what the sacred word is. Something about the way Rock addressed David Cage throws for a loop, though…

“Wait, you personally know David Cage!?” you ask, voicing the thought aloud.

”Well yes, Davey, Mary, and I go way back. We’ve been plotting and working together on the alien invasion and our scheme surrounding the Phorbidden Phone forever!”

”Wait, David Cage is evil!?”

”Of course I am!” Cage’s deep voice resounds one again. “Have you even played my games? When is the fat middle aged dude not evil? Plus, I’m David Cage.” His logic makes a surprising amount of sense, especially when you consider that anime has taught you that all elders are evil unless they train youths to fight or use their magic powers. But you’re hit with a sudden wave of terror as your gaze shifts to the other of the two men, who definitely has a few years on Cage. What evil powers could this man have in store?

”So, good sir, who are you? And why are you here?” You wonder, turning to the older man while trying to mask the terror in your voice. He glances at you, confused, and then responds in perfect Japanese. You recognize the language thanks to all that time on anime and V-tubers, but could never be bothered to learn it when it wasn’t coming out of the mouth of a cute anime waifu.

Rock turns to you. “He says that his name is Kaga and he’s a Japanese game developer, who was summoned way back when my first appeared in your face out of nowhere, since any ambush across the universe will summon this man. I have no idea who this is, but the more the merrier!” Rock then turns to Kaga and they exchange a couple words in Japanese, sharing a laugh.

”Wait, Rock, you speak Japanese?” you ask, astounded at the sheer plot convenience of Rock’s abilities.

“Hm? Oh, yes, Japanese. What a language. I first started to learn it way back when thanks to my high school sweetheart, an exchange student from Tokyo. I couldn’t understand a word she said, but there was clearly so much passion when we made eye contact from across the room. So there we were, November of 1842–“

You stop listening as Rock continues living up to his middle name. Now that all the forces of evil across the universe sans Mary have assembled, you need to formulate a plan.

A) Continue the tax evasion like before, just with some extra people now at your side.

B) Maybe you should start worrying where Sig went if she heard that you plan to join the people she was hoping to start a resistance against…

C) Ask Kaga, with Rock as your translator, if he can use his skills to create the perfect anime woman for yourself and then bring her to life, hoping to not have to follow through with Rock’s plan and ally yourself with Kaga instead.

D) Ask Cage if he can use his skills to create the perfect digital woman for yourself and then bring her to life, hoping to not have to follow through with Rock’s plan and ally yourself with Cage instead.

E) “Wait, if I’m with you guys now, can’t we just go back to the city?”

F) Attempt to play Fire Emblem Heroes on the Phorbidden Phone.

[Saint Rubenio]

F) Attempt to play Fire Emblem Heroes on the Phorbidden Phone.

This just makes less and less sense by the minute. You turn your gaze towards the Phorbidden Phone. You could use some Fire Emblem Heroes to relax. Gachas are the best, you love them so much. While Rock continues to revel in the art of exposition, you open the app, which was, conveniently enough, already installed on the Phorbidden Phone.

You soon regret this. Shouzou Kaga begins screaming. The painful screech of a wounded animal at first, but it soon turns into an enraged battle cry. You turn your head just in time to catch his fist with your mouth. Great, that makes it... what, four, five punches? You've lost count at this point. The old man doesn't look very strong, but you're a pretty huge dweeb, so you nearly fall to the ground. "What the hell, man?! Are you also a twist villain?!", you ask. Shouzou Kaga angrily spits out a series of words. Rock translates as best he can. "He's talking pretty fast, boy, and some of the words I've caught... Hoo wee, you don't want to hear those. I think he said something about turning you into a girl, putting you in chains and mind-controlling you... He also keeps cursing someone called Maeda? I can't say I get it. All I can say for sure is, I'm pretty sure he doesn't like you."

Awesome! You've made a new enemy! And to make matters worse, an explosion of pain erupts within your left foot. You look down to find that Sig has ran over your foot. "Focus! We can't keep wasting time like this! Now that you've persuaded Rock to our side, we must join the remnants of the rebellion and figure out our next move!" You have no time to reply, however, as Shouzou Kaga approaches for another swing. You use Sig to shield yourself from the rampaging old man. However, some unknown force (for some reason, the word RNG comes to your mind) makes Kaga's fist gain an inordinate amount of power out of nowhere. His punch is three times as powerful as the last, you estimate. Either way, it breaks through Sig and hits you squarely on the eye.

For a moment you're afraid that Sig may be done for, but the hole in her body quickly disappears. You guess this alien species must have some way rad regeneration powers. She looks pissed now, though. In an ironic twist of fate, she forgets all her big talk of not wasting time and begins fighting Kaga. Rock is still yapping away, David Cage has vanished and your ghost girlfriend is headed straight at you. Wait, that's not right, is it--

Boom! You take yet another punch! You didn't know ghosts could punch! How interesting! Yeah, your ghost girlfriend has picked the perfect time to catch up to you. Rock attempts another exorcism, but this time she's ready - she knocks the crucifix out of Rock's hand. Rock said he didn't need it for an exorcism, but watching his priced keepsake break in half fills him with fury, and he instead engages in a fist fight with the ghost. So that's two separate fights taking place here, which quickly merge into one big brawl. Everyone is punching everyone.

While you pretend to be a rock (not to be confused with Rock) in order to avoid getting your face pummeled even more, you spot David Cage in the distance. He's returning with Mary in tow. You suspect Mary won't be so easily distracted as... literally everyone else. This is bad. You have to do something.

A) Try to snap Sig out of it and get to the resistance base with her while everyone else is busy.

B) Scream at the fighting crowd to stop and warn them of Mary's arrival.

C) Join the brawl. Throw a punch at random.

D) To hell with all this. Run for the hills on your own.

E) Continue to play Fire Emblem Heroes.

F) Attempt to join Mary.