Mel Brooks's Monty Python and the Fire Emblem

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Originally conceived in tribute to Mel Brooks's new miniseries History of the World, Part II, here I offer what no other writer's done:

Fire Emblem meets 'Borscht Belt' humor (or my close approximation of it), with a bit of something completely different thrown in for good measure. Be warned, some jokes have been slightly tweaked--just in case.

They said the worlds of Fire Emblem couldn't get any funnier. They're about to be proven wrong, for better or worse, thanks to two of the great spoof masters. Guest-starring Steve Martin as Theodoric of York: Medieval...Jack-of-All-Trades...and "Weird Al" Yankovic as the head monk of 'the Order of Our Father of Perpetual Refrain'...

*Disclaimer: I own nothing of Nintendo, Intelligent Systems, the work(s) of one Melvin Kaminsky and friends, or the work(s) of certain Misters Chapman, Idle, Gilliam, Jones, Cleese, and Palin. I'm just here to be amusing. Additionally, the events depicted are to be imagined in the visual style of DeviantArt user arktoons.*

Prologue

It was dawn at Askr Castle as the Gatekeeper of Garreg Mach watched the sun rise over the hills from his position at the entrance. Though vigilance was always part of his duty, he made sure to take the time to take in sights like a sunrise, one of those little things that shouldn't be taken for granted. He soon found that he wasn't alone in his musings when the Summoner walked up to him with two steaming mugs in-hand.

"Greetings, Summoner!" the Gatekeeper said with a salute. "Nothing to report, so far."

"At ease, McCarley," the Summoner said in turn as he handed one of the mugs to the Gatekeeper in question. "And I've told you before, no need to be so formal with me. Kiran'll do just fine."

"Er, right, sorry about that," McCarley replied. "Force of habit."

"I hear that," Kiran concurred as the two 'clinked' their tea mugs before taking a sip and watching the sunrise. "Never get tired of this, given all that goes on here."

"You said it," McCarley affirmed, before a puzzled look appeared on his face. "You see that?"

Kiran squinted a bit as he looked in the distance. "Yeah, I do--looks like some guy running this way."

"Wonder what from?" McCarley asked.

Soon, the figure got closer and closer, his panting growing more audible by the minute. The two could now make out the figure occasionally giving brief looks back, as if trying to see if he was being followed, sometimes stumbling as he went. Finally, their concern grew when the man managed to reach their line of sight, at which point he nearly collapsed at their feet, only to be caught by a surprised Kiran. Unsure at first of what to do, McCarley then offered the panting man his cup of tea, which the man took and almost greedily drank in one gulp, the heat not getting to him at all.

Upon closer inspection, the man was old, with white hair and a white beard that went down to his upper chest. He wore a red robe with two white stripes that went down along each side, a small black strip inset on each; the red tunic underneath the robe was held in place by a large black-and-white striped belt, and the man wore sandals on his feet. He also carried a staff akin to the kind shepherds usually held.

Given the world he originated from, a thought soon occurred to Kiran. Why does this guy look like Moses? he wondered. And then it came to him--the way the old man appeared before them, his look...It all pointed to one thing. Oh, boy--just when I thought this multiverse couldn't surprise me anymore...

McCarley, unaware of the Summoner's thoughts at the moment, was doing his best to help the old man be at ease. "Sir, are you okay? What happened? What were you running from?"

The old man dropped the empty mug and clutched desperately at the surprised McCarley's collar, before he answered him, in a nearly-hoarse voice, with one single word:

"It's-"

[Suggested music: "The Liberty Bell", as recorded by the Band of the Grenadier Guards.]

Aior0sS@ggitar!us Proudly Presents:

Mel Brooks's Monty Python and the Fire Emblem

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 1 - Pretty Fly, for a Rabbi

Kiran the Summoner, the Askran royal siblings, Commander Anna, and the contingent of Heroes they'd brought with them had set up camp in a wooded area following the recent skirmish with Emblian forces that they'd just won. Much to the joy of many among their number, Oscar of Tellius was on cooking duty. Others were passing the time either chatting, playing cards, or engaging in a bit of training with their weapons, magic, or otherwise. While Kiran was chatting with Anna and the siblings, the conversation was interrupted when they heard a noise in the distance. It was the sound of a small wagon being pulled along, as well as the wizened voice of its owner.

"I don't like the way you're walking..." they heard said owner admonish. "You've been into the sacramental wine again--you're fahsnickered! You drunken mule, you..."

The party soon saw the source of the voice as a mule pulling a two-wheeled wagon came into view. The wagon had loaded in its bed multiple casks of varying sizes, all labeled 'Sacramental Wine' (with some further labeled 'non-alcoholic'). At the reins was an old man, approximately in his late-fifties or early-sixties, wearing a black coat with a white collared undershirt, black pants and shoes, and a matching short-brimmed hat. He had a brown full beard with wisps of gray, and two brown curls stuck out and away from his sideburns.

The old man himself soon noticed the party looking at him, and pulled on the reins for his mule to stop. "Whoa, Morris, whoa," he commanded, causing the mule to halt.

Prince Alfonse of Askr stepped forward to greet the newcomer. "Hello there, Sir! Apologies if we're in your way, we'll move a bit so you can pass through." His sister, Princess Sharena, nodded in agreement.

"Oh, no problem at all, young man," the old man replied genially. "And, er, who might you be?"

Alfonse gave the man a slight bow as he made his introductions. "Prince Alfonse of Askr, at your service." He then pointed to the others. "My sister, Princess Sharena." Sharena gave a slight bow of her own. "Commander Anna, the lead general of this group." The ponytailed redhead nodded. "And Kiran, the Summoner and one of our chief tacticians." Kiran gave a slight wave. "The others you see before you are just some of those we've recruited from many different worlds into the Askran Order of Heroes." Said recruits offered their own varying greetings.

"Azoy? Askr, eh?" the old man inquired briefly. "So, you two must be Queen Henriette's kids! I've just come from the town near Askr Castle, where I happened to run into her. You've been making her proud, you know."

"How do you know the Queen?" Anna asked.

"We met through mutual people," the old man replied. "I presided over the wedding of two friends of hers: the daughter of the late Lord and Lady Bagelle, and the heir to the Loxley estate." He grew a bit wistful as he continued. "Now there was a match made in heaven--Loxley and Bagelle, what a surefire pairing! An 'S' support worth working towards!"

"Makes sense," both Alfonse and Sharena said, somewhat unsurprised.

"And who are you, Sir?" Kiran asked curiously (though he already had a good idea).

"I am Rabbi Tuckman," the old man answered as he tipped his hat (and his curls!), before pointing to the casks on his wagon. "Purveyor of sacramental wine, and mohel extraordinaire."

A bit of curious chatter erupted among the Heroes in the party, especially those in the healing and spiritual professions themselves.

"What's a rabbi?" Lissa of Ylisse asked in whisper.

"Must be some type of priest," Serra of Elibe answered. "For what, I haven't a clue."

A different sort of question came from Azama of Hoshido. "A...mohel? I don't believe I've heard of that particular trade."

Rabbi Tuckman was all too eager to explain. "A mohel is a very important guy--he makes circumcisions!"

Laslow of Nohr (in reality, Inigo of (future) Ylisse) arched a curious eyebrow. "What exactly is a circumcision?"

Rabbi Tuckman grinned a little as he answered. "Oh, it's the latest rage--the ladies love it."

That was enough for Laslow and the other self-described 'ladykillers' of the party to eagerly start asking about it. Some of the more sensible gentlemen--and a good number of women--rolled their eyes or shook their heads at their comrades' predictability in that regard.

"You have my interest, good sir," Laslow said with a bow. "So then, how does it work?"

"It's a snap," Rabbi Tuckman began to explain as he took out an object from a pouch on the side of the wagon; said object looked like a miniature guillotine, drawing more arched eyebrows from the onlookers. "I take my little machine..." He then took a carrot out of another pouch and placed the pointy end through the contraption's hole. "I take your little thing, see? I put it into this little hole here, and..." He then pressed a tiny lever, which caused the blade to come down and slice the very tip of the carrot clean off. "...Nip the tip! Who's first?"

The sight of this greatly surprised the party, especially those who seemed eager before, some of whom winced and reflexively covered the front of their waists; a good number of the female portion of the party blushed at the implications.

"Er, heh-heh, I've, uh, changed my mind," Laslow nervously said.

"Um, already got one, actually," lied Matthis of Macedon.

"Uh...question?" Tobin of Valentia lightly asked, before his friend and fellow Valentian Gray quickly lowered his raised hand for him.

"*Sigh* I gotta work with a much younger crowd," Rabbi Tuckman said with a mild shake of his head.

Anna, at that point, decided (for the best) to change the subject on behalf of all present. "Rabbi, you appear to be a good man--would you join us for a little while, perhaps share some of your wisdom, your counsel...and maybe some of your wine? (With those of drinking age, of course.)" This inspired a lot of vocal agreement from some of the others.

"Wisdom and counsel, that's easy," Rabbi Tuckman responded. "But what I carry here is sacramental wine--it's only used to bless things." Some of the Heroes expressed a bit of disappointment on hearing that; Rabbi Tuckman soon quickly salvaged the situation. "Waitaminute," he started, getting the party's attention. "There's things here--there's trees, there's rocks, there's birds, there's squirrels...there's what I'm guessing is your latest victory, of course." The others nodded at this. "Come on! We'll bless them all until most of you get fahsnickered! Join me!"

Hearing this got plenty of cheers from the party. "Let's hear it for the rabbi!" came one from Lex of Jugdral in particular. Soon a good number of the menfolk of the party began to help the rabbi unload some of the casks from the wagon. Off to the side, Kiran, Anna, and the royals met up with some of the healers in their group.

"...We're gonna have more than a few hangovers, aren't we?" Alfonse posed, a sweat drop by his and Sharena's heads.

"Looks that way," Brady of (future) Ylisse replied as he looked to his fellow healers. "*Sigh* Don't worry, we all prepared for this." The other healers, along with Oscar, nodded in affirmation as they quickly began mixing up all manner of hangover cures for the inevitable morning to come.

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 2 - Fire Emblem, with a French Twist

Another day, another march of the Order of Heroes towards the next battle in the conflict between the forces of Askr and Embla. For this mission, however, they were taking a slight detour to seek out what could prove to be a boon to their efforts: an add-on to the Summoner's main weapon, Breidablik! The ensemble of warriors had been traveling a good distance when they came upon a most curious sight. The band was looking at a rather large fortress that, much to the befuddlement of Kiran, the Askran royal siblings, and Anna, wasn't on the map-and they had a pretty up-to-date map! (Sloppy, Askr's cartography corps was most definitely not!) Making a note to puzzle over this development another day, the group decided amongst themselves that they'd see if whoever oversaw the fort would allow them to stay the night before moving out the following morning. Two of the Heroes stepped forward to see if they could get the attention of anyone in the fort.

"HELLO!" called out Gatrie of Tellius.

"Anyone there?!" followed Amelia of Magvel.

After a few moments without response, a helmeted head, with a mustached and tiny-bearded face, appeared over the top of the fort's left wall.

"'Allo! 'Oo is it?" the figure asked from a distance, in an accent unfamiliar to all but Kiran.

Alfonse and Sharena stepped forward. "We are Princess Sharena and Prince Alfonse of the Kingdom of Askr!" Sharena responded in turn. "With us are members of the Askran Order of Heroes! Whose fortress is this?"

"This is the fortress of my master, Guy de Lombard," the soldier answered.

Alfonse continued from there after Sharena nodded for him to do so. "We're currently searching for an upgrade for our Summoner's primary tool, Breidablik! Please inform your master that, if they will give us food and shelter for the night, we'd be glad to let them accompany us in our quest!"

The soldier on the wall didn't take long to reply. "Well, I'll ask 'im, but I don't think 'e'll be very keen-'e's already got an upgraded Breidablik, you see?"

Hearing this completely surprised the group, if their widening eyes and agape mouths were any indicator.

Why, in the pit of my stomach, do I have a feeling of where this is going...? Kiran thought to himself with a minute sense of foreboding.

"Excuse me, WHAT?" Anna asked, flabbergasted by the soldier's statement.

"How can they already have one?" Princess Fjorm of Nifl asked confusedly.

"I thought Kiran had the only one in existence," Peony of Ljósálfheimr added, just as confused.

"Pardon my language, but I'm calling bull on this," Leif of Thracia said as he stepped forward, eyes narrowed in the soldier's direction. "Are you certain they've got one?" he pointedly asked.

"Oh yes, it's ver' naahs," the soldier said in turn, before he secretly looked to his fellow soldiers who were hiding behind the wall's top. "I told 'em we've already got one!" he said mirthfully in whisper, causing the others to snicker.

Leif's skepticism was soon echoed by some of the other Heroes. "Very well..." began Igrene of (future) Elibe, eyes also narrowed in the soldier's direction. "Mind if we come up and have a look?"

"Of course we do!" the soldier responded quite defensively. "You are English-types!"

Some among the heroes traded more befuddled looks with one another. "English...?" Jakob of Nohr asked, scratching his head.

Deciding to play this out, with a sigh, Kiran spoke up before anyone else could ask 'What are English?'. "Well, what are you then?"

"Ah'm French!" the soldier replied indignantly. "Why do you think I have this out-rrrageous accent, you silly hooded fellow?!"

"Outrageous is being right," an un-amused Petra of Fódlan, she with her own distinct accent, muttered.

"What are you doing on the continent of Zenith?" Anna asked, trying to clarify things.

"Mind your own business!" the soldier replied snidely.

It was then that another Hero, Hector of (present) Elibe, stepped forward, his brows furrowed as he pointed towards the soldier. "Look here, you, we've been perfectly reasonable up to this point. If you won't allow us to verify your claim, we aren't above breaking down your doors to do so!"

"You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs!" the soldier bit back.

Unsurprisingly, a lot of the Heroes didn't take too kindly to the insult slung their way. "PIG-DOGS?!" a fuming Sharena repeated through gritted teeth as she clenched her fists.

"Go and boil your bottoms, children of silly people!" the soldier continued, either unaware of or purposefully ignoring Sharena's ire. "Ah blow my nose at you, so-called 'Alfunze and Sharrie Preenze'! You and all you silly Ass-kur Odor of Zzzzzzeroes!"

The group of Heroes alternated between looks of further befuddlement and frustration when the soldier then proceeded to clap on the metal of his helmet while blowing a series of raspberries at them.

"What a strange person," Lute of Magvel remarked, which drew wide-eyed stares from some of her fellow Heroes, considering this was Lute who had said this.

"All right, you," began Selena of Nohr (better known as Severa of (future) Ylisse), "I've had just about enough of-"

"Ah don' wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough wiper!" the soldier said, interrupting her and causing the vein on her forehead to grow just a bit bigger. "Aaah fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!"

"HEY!" shouted both Robin and Cordelia of (present) Ylisse, glaring as they popped up alongside Selena. "Said mother and father happen to be standing right here!" Cordelia further added, pointing to both Robin and herself.

Not liking the way this was going, Linde of Archanea stepped in to try and diffuse the tension. "Is there someone else up there we can talk to?" she asked.

"No!" the soldier answered. "Now go away, or Ah shall taunt you a second time!"

It was then that Bartre of (future) Elibe drew his axe. "I don't know about the rest of you, but since it's clear diplomacy failed, it's time for action! Who's with me?!" His call to arms was met with a good number of cheers from some of the other Heroes, who drew their own weapons, be they melee, long-range, or magical. "CHAAAARGE!" he cried out as he began running towards the fort, those same others following him on either foot, horseback, or winged steed.

Kiran gave himself a facepalm, already having an idea of what they were in for. "For the love of-people, people, stop! You're gonna be running right into-!"

The Summoner's words came too late when all of a sudden, a loud *TWANG* was heard, followed by a loud *BUCK-KAW!*, and soon Bartre found himself hit in the face by...a chicken?

"OI! Get this dag-blamed bag o' feathers offa me!" he shouted while swiping his free hand at the frantic fowl currently adorning his countenance. Soon some of the other Heroes, wide-eyed with shock, scattered as they evaded more poultry projectiles launched by the French catapult. And not just chickens...

"Cain! Duck!" shouted Mamori of Tokyo as the young armor-clad girl jumped out of the way.

"Huh?" Cain of Altea said before his face found an unexpected visitor with a loud *QUACK!*, forcing him to stop his horse while he tried to get the daffy creature off of himself. It wasn't long before non-fowl farm denizens were being launched by the French, who laughed, jeered and teased from their perch above the fortress wall.

"Yipe!" let out Claude of Fódlan, as he and fellow royals (as well as students of Garreg Mach Officer's Academy) Dmitri and Edelgard evaded a couple of sheep and a goat, who thankfully landed in some bushes.

"Sweet Sothis's silk stockings..." Edelgard muttered in utter confoundment over the spectacle she was both witness of and unwilling participant in.

"FALL BACK! EVERYONE FALL BACK!" Alfonse called out as he, Sharena, Anna, and Kiran ducked behind a ridge.

"*Ugh* This is utterly ridiculous..." Sharena lamented, a large sweat drop by her head.

"No way I'm letting the scribes take all this down," Anna concurred as she observed the other Heroes while they ran from the French-accented barnyard bombardment.

Arthur of Nohr's eyes bugged out as soon as he spotted another creature headed towards him and the three Fódlan royals. "SWINEY SALVO INCOMING!" he shouted fearfully.

The royals joined him in the bugged-out eyes department as they noticed the inbound squealing missile. "What do you know? Today's the day pigs fly," Claude grimly mused. Before any of them could feel the impact of pigskin on their own skins, a blue, black and gold blur zipped by them as another Garreg Mach student, the usually-shy and withdrawn Marianne, caught the pig in a beautifully-executed interception any professional line-wide receiver would be envious of.

More jaw-dropping from her comrades ensued as Marianne swiftly caught the other animals launched their way and set them gently down on the ground. Just when it seemed like the Heroes would get a reprieve, another *TWANG* of the French catapult was heard, followed by a very audible...

*MOOOOOOO!*

The Heroes soon saw the cow that had been launched heading towards them, and Marianne leaped into the air, where she proceeded to catch the literal live(stock) ammo with a strength that belied her petite frame before coming in for a near-perfect landing. Upon setting the cow down, the grateful creature let out another *Moo!*, which, were one able to speak its native tongue, would translate as 'My hero!'.

The Fódlan royals weren't paying attention to this, as their thoughts were focused more on Marianne herself...while looks of a more foreboding nature appeared on their faces, an action found on the other Garreg Mach students in the contingent of Heroes. "Uh-oh..." Edelgard, Dmitri, and Claude all said simultaneously.

"What? What do you mean, 'uh-oh'?" Kiran asked. The royals turned to him, Alfonse, Sharena, and Anna before one of them answered.

"Let's just say our French foes are really in for it now..." Claude warned.

"Um, why?" Alfonse asked.

"...Let me put it this way," Edelgard started to explain. "At Garreg Mach, everyone and their mother knows how much Marianne loves animals."

"In turn," Dmitri added, "she absolutely hates any form of animal cruelty with a passion unmatched by anyone else."

"You so much as literally kick a puppy," Claude chimed in, "and you'll be earning a lengthy hospital stay, courtesy of Marianne's 'other side'."

Hearing that part made the eyes of Kiran, the Askr royals, and Anna widen considerably. "...'Other side'?" Sharena asked in a small voice.

The Fódlan royals slowly nodded. "We've got a bit of a saying," Claude began. "'Woe betide those who incur the wrath of...'Brawler' Marianne.'" The other Garreg Mach students in the party shuddered on hearing that.

Claude's statement also caused Kiran, Anna, Alfonse, and Sharena's eyes to widen further as they looked towards the bluenette Garreg Mach student in question. "'Brawler' Marianne?!'"

Speaking of, Marianne looked up towards the direction of the fortress, a grim, determined expression now on her face. When she spoke, it wasn't with her usual soft, quiet tone.

"Dmitri, your gauntlets, please," she said as she held out her right hand without turning around.

Dmitri looked between Claude and Edelgard, before remembering that when Marianne spoke that way, she wasn't making a simple request. He proceeded to remove his metal gauntlets and handed them to her, which she took and then donned on each hand. She then began storming her way towards the fort, 'borrowing' a grappling hook from Matthew of Elibe (who was too stunned to resist) as she did. When she reached the wall, she swung the rope until releasing the hook, which gained purchase right on the other side of the wall the initial French soldier they met was peering over, much to said soldier's surprise. Marianne then climbed up the wall, and when she reached the ledge, she jumped over it, further surprising the soldiers. And that...was when the brutality began. Soon the Heroes could hear the makings of one of the most intense royal beatings ever to have occurred being visited upon the French soldiers, all at the hands of Marianne, of all people.

"What ze-? Zut alors!"

"Mon dieu!"

"SACRE BLEU!"

The Heroes just stood there, eyes wide and mouths agape with shock, occasionally wincing as the sounds of bones being broken and Frenchmen being tossed about like ragdolls reached their ears. Finally, after several minutes, the sounds stopped. Marianne then reappeared above the wall, where she proceeded to plant an Askran flag.

"The fortress...is ours!" she shouted triumphantly while pumping her free fist, before activating the mechanism that unlocked the doors.

The other Heroes looked to one another warily, before walking towards the fortress. Once inside, the looked towards the courtyard, where they shared a collective wince upon seeing the pile of battered, broken, groaning French soldiers, before they were joined by Marianne, who jumped down from her position atop the wall, her demeanor shifting back to its usual setting the moment she touched the ground, further astonishing her comrades. She then excused herself to go check on the animals she'd saved.

By the day's end, the Heroes had secured the fort, with Anna having arranged for the Frenchmen to be given medical treatment. She also instructed the scribes to add a new policy to the code of conduct for the Order of Heroes: that all members were strongly encouraged to take great care of any and all animals under their watch. (With, in the fine print, 'Or else: woe betide those who incur the wrath of 'Brawler' Marianne'.)

Edited April 14, 2023 by Aior0sS@ggitar!us

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 3 - How One Keeps An Army in the Black

When not on missions that *usually* involved a skirmish of some sort, the people who made up the Askran Order of Heroes could usually be found in and around Askr Castle, engaged in all manner of activities, chores, or the simple pleasure of taking a leisurely stroll throughout the grounds and within the castle itself, whether alone or in a group. Such was the case of the latter as one day found Lyn of Elibe, Hinata of Hoshido, Kris of Altea, and Mareeta of Jugdral walking through the halls, discussing variations of swordplay and comparing notes. A turn into another hall led them by a door they'd somehow managed to overlook in all the time they'd been in Askr; naturally, they wondered what kind of room lay behind it. Thankfully, there was someone who could hopefully answer whatever questions they had, whom they'd spotted at the other end of the hall conversing with a couple of Askran soldiers.

"Excuse me, Commander Anna?" Lyn asked, getting the redhead's attention.

Anna noticed the quartet out of the corner of her eye and excused the two soldiers before she walked towards them. "Something up, folks?"

"We just passed by this door," Kris began to answer, pointing to the door in question with his thumb, "and it occurred to us that, for as long as we've been here, we have no idea what's in that particular room."

"We figured you'd know something," Mareeta added. "So, can you tell us what's in there? What goes on?"

Anna grinned a bit before walking towards the door. "Glad to answer that," she said. "What we do in this particular room is a vital part of the logistics side of the Order of Heroes..." She then opened the door. "Merchandising."

On hearing this, a quizzical look appeared on the faces of each of the four swordfighters.

"...Merchandising?" Hinata asked. "What's that?"

"Merchandising! Come on in, I'll show you," Anna answered as she led them into the room. Once inside, the quartet grew surprised by the sight of an assortment of various tchotchkes, knick-knacks, clothing, and other objects adorned with the iconography of the Order. "Go ahead, take a look! We've put the game's name on everything!" The head general of the Order's forces was now in full-on pitchwoman mode as she continued. "Merchandising, merchandising--where the real money from the game's made!" Some of the objects were then held up by a few assistants as Anna pointed out each one. "Order of Heroes casual shirts! Order of Heroes art booklets! Order of Heroes collectable keychain figurines! Order of Heroes travel bags! Order of Heroes canteens! Order of Heroes replica shields! (The kids love these.)" Anna was then handed one more object, purposefully standing next to a perch with a certain white-feathered creature on it. "And last, but not least, Order of Heroes plush dolls, based on the very face of the Order itself: Feh." The real Feh nodded affirmatively as Anna pressed a little magic charm on the belly of the owl's plush counterpart; this, in turn, made the plush owl appear to utter a few of Feh's usual phrases:

*Flap-flap! Flap-flap-flap! Feeeeehhhh!*

Anna, grin still on her face, held up the plushie as if gauging the four swordfighters' reactions. Feh herself chimed in by giving it two feathers up.

Lyn, Hinata, Kris, and Mareeta gave each other looks of muted astonishment and slight confusion by what they'd just stepped into. "Well, if it keeps this army afloat..." Kris mused.

Moments later, the four were out the door and back on their way, though each with a little 'free sample' for their troubles after listening to Anna's spiel: Lyn with a tapestry, Kris with a hat, Hinata with a limited-edition whetstone, and Mareeta with a Feh plushie. The other three looked at her curiously, nonverbally wondering why she chose that, given her usual attitude.

Mareeta, for the most part, shrugged. "I'll admit...it's a bit adorable."

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 4 - Oh, What's in a Name...?

*Disclaimer: The following contains innuendo as the backbone of the comedy within the segment. If you're averse to such, make like a Danish prince once suggested and get thee to a nunnery.*

"I am so, so sorry about this, guys."

Those were the words that came from one of the newest recruits to the Order of Heroes: Alara, one of a pair of twin divine dragon royal siblings from the newly-discovered Realm-XI, also known as the World of Rings. (No, not the Tolkien kind of rings.) She and her brother Alear could definitely stand out in a crowd, thanks mainly to both sporting heterochromatic eyes and hair color. Presently, Alara was on one of her first missions as a member of the Order of Heroes, as part of a small squad made up of Kiran the Summoner, Korrina of Realm-VI (one of two divine dragon royal siblings of the kingdom of Valla), Ephraim of Realm-IV (one of two royal siblings of Renais, on the continent of Magvel), and Edelgard of Realm-X (imperial princess of Adrestria, on the continent of Fódlan). Specifically...all were currently captives of a troop of Emblian soldiers, who had confiscated their weapons (currently lying in a cart following them), tied them up, and were leading them to the main field headquarters building where their commanding officer was stationed.

"It's all right, Alara," Kiran said reassuringly. "This sort of thing happens to the best of us."

"Take it from me, I've been where you are," Korrina added sympathetically. "Look at it this way, now we both have something in common aside from being divine dragon royals."

"Still, I should've been more wary of the script that production assistant showed me with all the last-minute changes," Alara said with a hint of regret.

"What, did the note that emphasized you running towards the Emblian soldiers while yelling 'Leeroy Jenkins' not set off enough red flags for you?" Edelgard asked with more than a hint of skepticism, if her arched eyebrow and minorly sarcastic tone weren't enough as indicators.

"I did ask about the why behind it!" Alara replied defensively. "They pointed to the underlined portion that said 'Because: rule of funny'!"

"I wonder where that PA ran off to anyway..." Ephraim pondered.

-X-

From behind a tree, observing the march with a mirthful grin on their face, the 'production assistant' revealed themselves to be the lady trickster Loki of Ásgarðr, who had bedeviled the Order of Heroes on a number of occasions. Giggling, she looked our way briefly.

"As they say in rustic circles: ain't I a stinker?" she posed with a wink.

-X-

Eventually, the captives and their captors arrived at the garrison building, the field captain at the head of the proceedings. Once inside, they were to meet with the Emblian commander overseeing the operations in this area.

"All bow before Lady Gaudias al Getout!" the captain commanded in a very Ted Lewis voice, to which he and his troops did, the captives 'nudged' to do the same, much to the annoyance of Ephraim and Edelgard. From there, the lady in question appeared before them.

She definitely lived up to what her name riffed on, as she looked and was dressed like a stereotypical aristocratic woman, though her garb was quite gaudier and more flamboyant than one would typically picture for an anime-stylized JRPG franchise like Fire Emblem. In other words...she came off as something of the equivalent of a character played by frequent Mel Brooks collaborator Madeline Kahn, the closest anime equivalent being Martina from the cult-favorite franchise The Slayers. Adding further to the comically villainous archetype she represented was the Elmer Fudd-esque lisp in her voice the moment she said something.

"Well done, Captain Zandew," she commended, eyeing Alara in particular as she moved in closer. "Hmm...You--what is youw name, giwl?"

Alara, maintaining a bit of stoicism, answered bluntly. "Alara, ma'am."

"'Alawa', eh?"

Alara, confused by what she thought was simple mispronunciation on Lady Gaudias's part, corrected her, emphasizing the 'r' in her name. "No, no. 'Alara'." Her correction was met with a *BONK* on the head by the rather light mallet held by Captain Zander. "Hey! What'd you do that for?"

Lady Gaudias let out a haughty laugh on seeing this. "Well now, the giwl has a bit of spiwit in hew, it seems."

Captain Zander expressed confusion at his commander's statement. "Has what, Milady?"

"Spiwit," Lady Gaudias emphasized. Seeing this interaction made the eyes of the captives widen a bit as they silently exchanged a look of slight confoundment.

"Er, I believe she used a sword, Milady," Captain Zander said, misunderstanding her words.

"No, no," Lady Gaudias began to correct him, "Spiwit--you know, bwavado, a touch of dewwing-do, that sowt of thing."

"Oh--um, I believe it was about eleven or so, Milady," Captain Zander said, again missing the point.

Lady Gaudias arched an eyebrow at her subordinate before returning her attention to Alara. "So...you and youw comwades dawe to waid us, do you?"

Alara was once again confused due to the woman's lisp. "To...what, Miss?"

Lady Gaudias furrowed her eyebrows at this. "Captain, stwike hew again, hawdew!"

Captain Zander did as ordered and swung the light mallet onto Alara's head.

*BONK*

"HEY! Cut it out!" Alara bit back, more annoyed than before.

Undaunted, Lady Gaudias sneered at Alara. "Now then, you wascally giwl..."

"I am NOT just a girl, I'm a divine dragon!" Alara responded in turn. Her fellow heroes looked at Alara concernedly. "What's the harm? I'm not giving anything else important away!"

Ignoring that last part, Lady Gaudias expressed curiosity about Alara's admission. "A divine dwagon, you say?"

Again mistaking her lisp for mispronunciation, Alara corrected the noblewoman. "No, no, a divine dragon." Yet again, she was met with a *BONK* from Captain Zander's mallet. "Will you stop that?!" she said with a glare directed at the man, now more irritated than annoyed as she was before.

Unconcerned, Lady Gaudias continued to probe Alara. "So, this means you must be descended from another divine dwagon. Tell me, who in pawticulaw?"

"My mother is Queen Lumera of Elyos," Alara replied with a hint of pride.

"Pff--HAH!" Captain Zander scoffed with a disbelieving laugh, drawing another glare from Alara and eye-rolls from Kiran, Korrina, Ephraim (who was secretly using a hidden penknife to work his way through his bonds), and Edelgard.

Lady Gaudias, on the other hand, became a bit more curious. "Captain, do we know of a queen or kingdom by those names?" she asked as she faced the man.

"...Well, no, Milady," Captain Zander answered.

"Weally? You seem quite confident about this--have you checked?"

"Well, no, Milady," Captain Zander replied. "I think it's a joke--she's probably trying to trick you by giving you a funny-sounding name. Like say, 'Lili Von Shtupp', or, or 'Bigaulle Schwanzstucker'."

On hearing that, some muted chuckling was heard from one of the soldiers; Edelgard, unbeknownst to the others, bit her lip to suppress something.

Lady Gaudias, on the other hand, arched her eyebrow. "...And what, pway tell, is so funny about Bigaulle Schwanzstucker?"

"Well, it's a jokey-sounding name, Milady," Captain Zander answered.

Lady Gaudias lightly furrowed both eyebrows as she stepped a bit past the captain. "It just so happens that I've a vewy gweat fwiend in the uppew echelons of Emblian high society by the name of Bigaulle Schwanzstucker." Suppressed chuckling was again heard from the same soldier, which made Lady Gaudias step up immediately to him, causing him to go stone-faced instantly. "Silence!" she ordered in a scolding manner. "What is all this insolence fwom you? You'll find youwself back in basic twaining swiftly, by behaving so wudely!"

The captives briefly looked at one another, befuddled by this odd turn of events (except for Edelgard, again biting her lip to suppress her own chuckling). "Er...may we go now?" Kiran asked. "I mean, it looks like you've got some disciplinary measures to handle, so..." Before he could finish, Captain Zander bonked him on the head with the mallet. "Ow! God, that's annoying..."

Not acknowledging this, Lady Gaudias shook her head disapprovingly as she turned from the soldier. "Just wait till Bigaulle Schwanzstucker hears about this..." Hearing the name caused the same soldier to again chuckle (and Edelgard to keep biting her lip), putting Lady Gaudias's disapproving gaze back on him. "That's IT--Captain Zandew, take him away!"

The captain looked at his commander concernedly. "But--but look, Milady, he only--"

"No excuses!" Lady Gaudias interrupted him. "I want him in the awena fighting all mannew of wuffians, cutthwoats and bwigands before the week is out!"

Sighing, Captain Zander shook his head as he accosted the soldier. "Yes, Milady. All right, come on you, you brought this on yourself..."

The soldier paid no heed, as he was too busy guffawing over the name. So focused on this were the Emblians that no one noticed Ephraim continuing to covertly undo his bonds, before moving on to Korrina's.

Lady Gaudias continued on her partial-tirade. "I will NOT stand fow my fwiends being widiculed by gwunts like you!" She then leveled a glare at the soldiers around her, before getting up close to one of those on either end of the captives. "Anyone else feel like a tiny...tittew...when I mention my good fwiend...Bigaulle..." [Another soldier began to chuckle.] "...Schwanzstucker?"

The chuckling from the other soldier grew audible enough that it drew Lady Gaudias straight to him. "And what about you, soldiew? Are you finding it to be quite...wisible?...When I uttew the name...Bigaulle..." [The soldier continued to hold in his chuckling as best as he could.] "...Schwanzstucker?"

At that point, the two soldiers guarding the captive Heroes began to chuckle themselves (while straining to mask it), until Lady Gaudias's gaze turned on them. (While this was happening, Ephraim managed to get both himself and Korrina free, and the two proceeded to covertly undo the bonds on Kiran, Alara, and Edelgard.) She walked towards them before coming to a stop, leveling a wary set of eyes on them as they quickly tried to maintain their composure. "...He's got a vewy lovely wife, by the way. Know what hew name is?" Both soldiers shook their heads as they struggled to keep a straight face. "Hew name is...Lady Tigolle." She paused for dramatic effect, before quickly uttering, "Lady Tigolle Bittes."

Hearing this caused the two soldiers, along with the rest of their comrades, to immediately burst into laughter. "SHUT UP!" Lady Gaudias ordered. "What do you think you'we doing?! I've had enough of youw smawt-alecky sniggewing and guffawing!" Her commands proved to be in vain, as the soldiers couldn't stop their laughing fit. "BE QUIET! You call youwselves Emblian soldiers? You'we all acting like--" Her train of thought was interrupted when she noticed the prisoners had escaped their bonds and managed to abscond with the cart holding their confiscated weaponry, as well as put a good deal of distance between them and their captors. "SEIZE THEM! AFTEW THEM! Blow youw bloody noses and gwab them befowe they get away!"

Meanwhile, many miles away, the squad of Heroes had managed to make it to the outskirts of Askr territory, and were stopping to catch their breath, considering how much they ran.

"*Huff* Well, that will go down as one of the strangest escapes I've ever made," Ephraim commented.

"Same here," Korrina concurred.

"I'd say we lucked out, big time," Alara added. "What about you, Edelgard?...Edelgard? Are you all right?"

It was at that point that the proverbial dam burst and the axe-wielding princess of Adrestria uncharacteristically burst into laughter as she fell to her knees, her hands clutching at her sides.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, goddess, I didn't think I was going to make it until we left!" she said, laughing till she started to tear up, her face almost as red as half of Alara's hair from the effort.

All but Kiran stared at Edelgard, nearly-speechless at the sight, considering how they'd usually interacted with her back at Askr Castle. (Kiran already had a good idea of what was so funny.)

"Uh, Edelgard?" Alara started to ask. "Why are you laughing?"

"...Is it about that name the weird noblewoman kept saying?" Korrina asked.

Edelgard slowly stood back up as she tried to regain her composure. "Admittedly," she replied, a chuckle still in her voice. "It's just that, 'Schwanzstucker' has a totally different meaning in my native language. One with more...ribald connotations. Something I'm guessing Lady Gaudias had no idea of at all, the ditz..."

"What does it mean, anyway?" Alara asked very curiously.

Edelgard walked up to her side before answering. "It means..." she started to say, before whispering into Alara's ear, the act covered by her left hand. Korrina leaned in to listen, and by the time Edelgard finished her explanation, both divine dragon royals were quite astonished...among other feelings.

"OH," both said while blushing heavily, considering just what the meaning entailed.

**Author's Note(s)**

-For my personal take on aspects of Fire Emblem 'canon', I've opted for the approach of making all the 'avatar/player' characters into sets of twin siblings. Thus, you'll see Kris alongside 'Kyria' from New Mystery of the Emblem; Robin and 'Regan' from Awakening; Corrin and 'Korrina' (and therefore 'Kuro' and Kana) from Fates; 'Byron' and Byleth from Three Houses; Shez and 'Shayla' from Three Hopes; and lastly, Alear and 'Alara' from Engage.

-In contrast to the nomenclature of Heroes, I've designated the worlds of the Fire Emblem multiverse in a manner akin to classic comic book tropes. Thus, we have:

Realm-I (Shadow Dragon (and the Blade of Light)/Echoes: Shadows of Valentia (and by extension, Gaiden)/(New) Mystery of the Emblem (and by extension, BS Fire Emblem)/Awakening)

Realm-II (Genealogy of the Holy War/Thracia 776)

Realm-III (The Binding Blade/The Blazing Blade/Hasha No Tsurugi (with minor tweaks))

Realm-IV (The Sacred Stones)

Realm-V (Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn)

Realm-VI (Fates)

Realm-VII (Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE)

Realm-VIII (Fire Emblem Heroes)

Realm-IX (Fire Emblem Warriors)

Realm-X (Three Houses/some of Three Hopes)

Realm-XI (Engage)

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 5 - What the Inquisition Wasn't Expecting...

The atmosphere was a bit tense as the two parties met in the middle of the courtyard of the large fort, deemed neutral enough territory for the parlay to take place. On one side were Kiran, Anna, Alfonse, and Sharena, accompanied by a small mix of leading Heroes: Marth and Caeda of Realm-I, Eldigan of Realm-II, Titania and Soren of Realm-V, and Hinoka of Realm-VI. On the other side was Emblian Imperial Princess Veronica, her masked older brother Bruno (also known as the Askr royals' former friend Zacharias), and a small cohort of their troops. Both Alfonse and Veronica stepped forward.

"Thank you for agreeing to meet with us, Princess," Alfonse said. "I hope we can put this particular matter to rest before too long."

Veronica arched an eyebrow before replying. "That will depend on just what the matter has to do with me."

"Right then, I'll get to the point," Alfonse said. "We've been receiving reports of raids by bands of strange ruffians on towns near the border of our two nations. Said ruffians were all dressed in red-specifically, a shade of red just like the one worn on Emblian uniforms."

"Your point being?" Veronica posed, eyebrow still arched.

Sharena then stepped in to ask the question Veronica knew was already on Alfonse's tongue. "Are these thugs doing this at your behest, or aren't they?"

Veronica's eyebrows narrowed. "No, they most certainly are not raiding at my behest. I've no idea who this band of rogues are with a shade of red similar to Embla red."

"Are you positive about this?" Sharena asked, a bit more firmly than before.

"*Ugh* Of course I'm positive!" Veronica answered irritably, pinching the bridge of her nose in exasperation. "Honestly, I agreed to come here to validate my innocence in all this. I certainly wasn't expecting an inquisition!"

Right then and there, the whole situation now made sense for Kiran, who realized what was going to happen next. Oh, no...he thought grimly to himself.

Suddenly, the gates to the courtyard burst open to the sound of a jarring musical sting, surprising all present, as three men-all Cardinals-swiftly stepped in between both parties. All three wore red robes and golden crucifixes around their necks; the middle one, clearly the leader, had a neatly-trimmed Van Dyke beard with a slim mustache and wore a wide-brimmed red hat; the one to his right had a more bushy mustache and wore purple gloves and, anachronistically, a turn-of-the-century aviator's leather cap with goggles; the one to his left wore a red cowl and had a small goatee, and held a tool of some sort in his hands.

"NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!" the lead Cardinal exclaimed smugly.

After a beat, the Askran royals, Veronica, and Bruno exchanged befuddled looks. "They are most definitely NOT with me," Veronica stated. Bruno, briefly looking our way, held up a small sign that said:

Ye olde TH' F***?!

On the Askran end, Marth and Caeda looked to Kiran confusedly. "Umm...Spanish?" Marth asked.

"I'll explain later," Kiran muttered.

The leader of the trio of Cardinals then spoke again. "All, pay heed-now enters his holiness: Torquemada, the Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition!" The sound of a gong soon got the attention of both Askran and Emblian forces, who then noticed that suddenly more of the Spanish Inquisition had popped up within the fort, the courtyard itself having undergone a subtle transformation at their hands into something out of a Broadway production, though with more instruments of torture present. At the top of a center balcony, a hooded man in a fine red robe with a golden cord around his waist stepped forward, looming above his lackeys. (Anna noted, to herself, that he greatly resembled Rabbi Tuckman, only clean-shaven and with grayer hair.) The leader of the Cardinal trio who spoke earlier continued as he gestured towards the other man above him. "Torquemada: do not implore him for compassion! Torquemada: do not beg him for forgiveness! Torquemada: do not ask him for mercy!" The lead Cardinal then held a hand to the side of his mouth conspiratorially. "Let's face it, you can't Torquemada anything."

Another gong drew everyone's attention to Torquemada himself, his hands now held as if in prayer, as he spoke. "Let all those who wish to confess their evil ways, and to accept and embrace the true church, convert now..." He then held up one finger as he continued. "...Or forever burn in hell! For now begins...the Inquisition!" At that cue, a jaunty musical number began to play, courtesy of the off-screen orchestra, while Torquemada slid down a spiral slide attached to the balcony. On reaching the bottom, he was joined by the Cardinal trio and some monks as they all broke into a Busby Berkely-esque song-and-dance routine.

Torquemada:

The Inquisition-

(Let's begin!)

The Inquisition-

(Look out, sin!)

We have a mission-to convert all youse...!

(Youse-a-youse-a-you, you, youse!)

We're gonna teach ya-

(Wrong from right)

We're gonna help ya-

(See the light)

And make an offer, that ya can't refuuuse!

(That all'a youse just can''t refuse!)

Both Askran and Emblian parties just stared, slack-jawed, at the spectacle before them, unsure of what to make of it.

Confeeeeessss,

(Confess, confess)

Don't be bo-ring.

Say yeeessss,

(Say yes, say yes)

Don't be dull!

Torquemada and cronies:

A fact, you're ig-no-ring...

Torquemada:

It's better to lose your skullcap than your skull.

Kiran and Anna (both facepalming):

Oy, gevault.

Torquemada (sashaying onto a small dolley disguised as a piece of stone):

The Inquisition-

(What a show!)

The Inquisition-

(Here we go!)

We know you're wishin'...

Torquemada and cronies:

...That we'd go awaaaaayyyyy!

Torquemada (as his platform carries him off 'stage left'):

But the Inquisition's here and it's here to staaaaayyyyy!

Cardinals and monks (following Torquemada):

The Inquisition, oh boy!

The Inquisition, what joy!

The Inquisition, oy, oy!

Once Torquemada and his cronies were out of sight as the last music note hit, the sound of roughhousing was heard as suddenly, a few Inquisition monks were tossed onto the 'stage' from 'stage right'. The ones who did the deed revealed themselves as they walked in, and turned out to be more members of the Order of Heroes: Catherine and Shamir of Realm-X (the former with a monk slung over her right shoulder), Echidna of Realm-III (with a monk slung over each shoulder), and Rinkah of Realm-VI (carrying her club).

Kiran: "Catherine?"

Anna: "Shamir?"

Alfonse: "Echidna?"

Sharena: "Rinkah?"

"What are you doing here?" Hinoka asked.

Catherine and Shamir looked to each other briefly before the blonde swordswoman answered, unintentionally continuing the rhythm of the musical number.

Catherine:

We were sitting in a tavern, we were minding our own business, just enjoying a nice spirit-filled repast...

[She glared at the nervous Inquisition monk she held by the back of his collar.]

When these 'papist' persons plunged in, with their weapons set to bludgeon,

which necessitated that we kick their collective ass.

[She then unceremoniously tossed the monk onto the growing pile near them, dusting off her hands after doing so.]

Shamir:

They weren't considerate,

Quite impolite...

And should've known to never ruin a good old "girls' night".

Echidna [in a vaguely New York accent]:

We're sittin', eatin' chicken, gettin' correspondence from Ricken,

when these guys came in and knocked down both the walls.

Rinkah [also with a vague New York accent]:

We didn't even know 'em, but we sure knew where to throw 'em,

so we did, and also punched 'em in the balls.

Monk on Echidna's right shoulder [in a pained voice]:

Oy, the agony!

Monk on Echidna's left shoulder [same]:

Ooh, the shame!

Both monks:

To have our keisters kicked in by some dames!

Echidna then added both monks on her shoulders to the pile, just as a backflipping Torquemada and his cronies returned from 'stage right' to a drum roll. When Torquemada landed on his feet, the music resumed; he was unaware of what transpired, as well as his cronies suddenly cowering in fear at the glaring Catherine, Shamir, Echidna, and Rinkah. Amidst all this, a slowly-growing crowd of townsfolk had been gathering in and around the courtyard to watch all of this going down.

Torquemada:

The Inquisition-

Catherine/Shamir/Echidna/Rinkah:

What a joke.

Torquemada:

The Inquisition-

Catherine/Shamir/Echidna/Rinkah:

We just broke.

Torquemada:

We know you're wishin', that we'd go awaaaayyyy...!

The music stopped for the moment as Torquemada suddenly found himself in the collective clutches of Catherine on his right and Echidna on his left, his reverie halted as he nervously looked between all four glaring warrior women. Off to the side, Kiran signaled for the orchestra's conductor to skip right to the ending portion of the song, which he did as he quickly flipped his sheet music to the final page. From there, while the music began to resume, Catherine, Shamir, Echidna, and Rinkah continued as well...

Catherine/Shamir/Echidna/Rinkah [briefly looking towards the audience, both literal and beyond the fourth wall]:

Well, you all are gonna get your wish...

[All four turn back to Torquemada.]

So scram, or we'll gut you like a fish.

[All four bring their respective weapons-Thunderbrand, Survivalist Bow, Rearguard+, and Rinkah's Club-to bear.]

You wanna see what we can dish...?

Torquemada [fearfully]:

No waaaaaayyyyyy!

At that moment, Torquemada and his cronies proceeded to flee in the other direction, terrified of the retribution that would have been visited upon them had they stayed. From there, the four women, uncharacteristically, closed things out with their own synchronized song-and-dance moves.

Catherine/Shamir/Echidna/Rinkah:

Now the Inquisition's done, and it's gone...to-...-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

All four ladies flashed some jazz hands as they reached the big finish, and when the music ceased, the 'audience' comprised of townsfolk, the Askran forces, and the Emblian forces erupted into cheering, whistles, and applause. The four women then stood up and proceeded to take their bows. Rinkah was even handed a bouquet of roses from 'stage left', which she took with gleeful surprise.

"I knew all those times we joined in on choir practice at Garreg Mach would pay off someday," Catherine said to Shamir, who simply, drolly rolled her eyes a little in response.

Edited March 25, 2023 by Aior0sS@ggitar!us

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 6 - Proper Political Discourse with Peasantry

Why me, why me...? Kiran mentally bemoaned. For the latest mission the Order of Heroes was charged with, he, the Askran royals, and Anna had divided their force into four separate squads led by each. Kiran had drawn the short straw when it came to who'd be under his command, and it showed in those who made up his unit. Oy, what a unit...

He was leading a team made up of, of all people, Zephiel from Realm-III (king of Bern, on the continent of (future) Elibe); Walhart of Realm-I, ruler of Valm (a future version of Valentia)); and lastly, versions of Realm-X's Edelgard, Dmitri, and Claude of Fódlan. Specifically, versions from five years into Fódlan's future, when they were no longer students at Garreg Mach Officer's Academy but ruling their respective territories outright. (Making things a tad awkward when all three were first summoned and came face-to-face with their younger selves.) All three were in very different places than they'd been during their student days, with a hardened Edelgard now Empress of Adrestria, a ruthless, embittered Dmitri crowned as king of the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus, and Claude (more or less the same as he was) now the duke of Riegan territory in the Leicester Alliance. There was also an animosity between all three that, thankfully, didn't boil over into actual conflict while they were in Askr; to better explain the reasons for this animosity would take at least two more chapters and the suggestion to consult either the Fire Emblem Wiki, the TV Tropes page for Fire Emblem: Three Houses, or the nearest Reddit page to satisfy your curiosity, which is why that has been set aside for the moment to focus on the comedy here.

Anyway, combined with dealing with both the formidable, unyielding Conqueror of Valm and the zealous, pro-dragon king of Bern, and the Summoner knew he was going to be in for a literal royal headache. I don't know how she did it, but I'm gonna get Anna back for doing something to the straws...Of all five, at least Claude appeared to be the easiest to deal with.

"You okay, Summoner?" the bow-slinging, wyvern-riding duke in question asked. "You're looking a bit exasperated."

"Oh, it's...nothing, Claude. Really," Kiran replied as he looked around the area they were currently walking through. "Just thinking of where we might get some intel in these parts."

"Well...from the look of things, might be a tall order here," Claude said.

The area they were traveling through presently had a few wrecked stone buildings, though a castle in the distance appeared to be intact. Commoners were walking about or working the ground, seeming to not spare the group a look. Kiran looked over his shoulder at the other members of the squad. Not surprisingly, Dmitri and Zephiel were stoically silent, but surprisingly, Walhart and Edelgard appeared to get along swimmingly. And not just in terms of sharing a taste for imposing red outfits and horned headwear...

"...Thus, I would end the reign of the gods. I would free the world's people from being slaves to tradition, to obligation, the old ways," Walhart was explaining.

"Yes! Exactly!" Edelgard concurred enthusiastically, a stark contrast to how hardened she'd become in the intervening years. "Finally, someone who gets me! That's what my whole conflict was aiming for!"

"Indeed," Walhart said. "We appear to have much in common, Lady Edelgard." He furrowed his brows as he continued. "Including allying ourselves with veritable serpents in our midst..."

Edelgard grimly nodded, having previously told him of her alliance of convenience with the shadowy group dubbed 'Those Who Slither In the Dark' (there were a couple of times where she'd suggested to their leader, Thales, that they really ought to come up with a better name), just as he'd told her of the treachery (which he already knew about) of an advisor of his by the name of Excellus.

Dmitri cast a fleeting glance at the two and rolled his eye before returning his focus to what was ahead of him. "Of course you'd get along with him..." he muttered (grumbled?) to himself.

"Did you say something, your majesty?" Edelgard asked with a hint of sarcasm.

"I said," Dmitri began, out loud this time, "that you two make quite the peas in a pod, don't you? You both wear red, wield large axes, and have trampled over who knows how many innocents in your drive to conquer your respective lands!"

Edelgard glared at the one-eyed king of Faerghus. "Says the one with plenty of Imperial blood on his hands, if all my troops you've slaughtered are any indication!"

"I'm avenging those I've lost ever since Duscur!"

"*UGH* I keep telling you I didn't have anything to do with Duscur!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

From there it devolved into petty arguing between the two, at which point Walhart (in a rare show of unease for him) nudged his horse to quietly walk ahead of them to avoid being caught in the flak. Seeing this, Kiran gave himself a facepalm with a weary sigh, while Claude shook his head in pity. "You know, now I really can believe those two are step-siblings..." Kiran said.

"You want me to try and calm them down?" Claude asked.

"Nah, I'll do it," Kiran answered. "I've a technique from my world I've been meaning to employ for such a situation." He then quickly turned to face the arguing rulers, put two fingers to his mouth, and let out a sharp whistle. "HEY! Both of you pipe down back there, or I will turn this caravan around! Do I make myself clear?!"

Both Dmitri and Edelgard (in a rare show of sheepishness for them) stopped shouting at each other on hearing this, folded their arms, and, glares still on their faces, said "Yes" in almost-bored tones of voice. ("He started it," Edelgard quietly muttered.)

Zephiel shook his head as he spoke up for once. "Yet another reason why dragons should be ruling the world..." he grumbled just as quietly.

"*Sigh* Look, can we just focus on the task at hand?" Kiran asked. "We need information, and our best bet will be from whoever lives in that castle. Finding that out, however..."

"Let me ask one of the locals here," Edelgard volunteered. "Someone has to take initiative, after all..." She then walked ahead of them and approached a wagon being pulled by a villager. "Excuse me, old woman?"

"Man," the villager replied.

Caught a bit off-guard by this, Edelgard resumed her attempt. "Pardon me. Old man, can you tell us whose castle that is?"

"I'm thirty-seven!" the man said.

Hearing this confused Edelgard (along with all but Claude and Kiran). "Wait, what?"

"I'm thirty-seven, I'm not old!" the man clarified.

"Er, ah, my apologies then," Edelgard responded. "It's just, well, I can't just call you 'man'."

"Well, you could say 'Dennis'," the man said.

"I...didn't realize that was your name," Edelgard said.

"Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?"

Claude decided to step in to smooth over any potential tension. "Hey, hey, it's okay, it was an honest mistake on my friend's part," he said, earning a mild glare from Edelgard. "She did apologize for the 'old woman' remark, but you've got to admit, from behind you looked like--"

"Well, I object," Dennis said in turn. "She was automatically treatin' me like an inferior!"

"With all due respect, I am an empress," Edelgard stated.

"Not really helping..." Claude said to her under his breath.

"Oh, an empress, very nice," Dennis said sarcastically as he stopped at a certain spot. "What's that make the rest of you then, eh?"

"Um...well, I personally am a duke," Claude said, absent-mindedly scratching the back of his head.

"I'm...well, I guess you could say a royal tactician," Kiran offered before pointing to the other three in their party. "Those two are kings, and the big guy on the horse is an emperor."

"Huh," Dennis said, not really impressed. "And how'd you all get those, then? By exploitin' the workers, by hangin' on to dated imperialist dogma, which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's going to be any progress-"

Before Dennis went any further, an older woman crawled through the mud towards him and the party. "Dennis," she called out, "there's some lovely filth down here!" The older woman then noticed the more regal-looking people next to Dennis. "Oh! How do you do...?"

"Er, hi there, ma'am," Kiran greeted. "I'm Kiran, summoner and tactician of Askr." He then pointed out those with him. "These are members of the Askran Order of Heroes, called from many worlds to help aid the Kingdom of Askr against the Kingdom of Embla. Respectively, with me now are King Zephiel of Bern; Emperor Walhart of Valm; Duke Claude of House Riegan; King Dmitri of Faerghus; and Empress Edelgard of Adrestria."

Only one part of Kiran's elaboration elicited a question from the woman. "Order of who?"

"The Askran Order of Heroes," Kiran reiterated.

"Who are the Askrans?" the woman asked quizzically.

Kiran, for a moment, didn't know how to answer that, before offering, "Um, well...technically, you and the other villagers here are, and I represent the royal family of Askr." The woman continued to look at him with a puzzled expression. "...You know...Queen Henriette, Prince Alfonse, Princess Sharena...?"

"I didn't know we had a queen," the woman said. "I thought we were an autonomous collective."

Autonomous what? the five rulers wondered, as if all on the same perplexed wavelength.

Oh, boy...Kiran thought to himself. I knew this setup all seemed familiar. And cue Dennis's response in 3...2...1...

"You're foolin' yourself," Dennis said cynically. "We're livin' in a dictatorship, a self-perpetuating autocracy, in which the working class--"

"Oh, there you go, bringing class into it again--" the woman said with a shake of her head.

"But that's what it's all about!" Dennis said insistently. "If only people would listen--"

"People, people, please!" Claude interjected. "Look, much as I'd like to get in on some nice political discourse, my comrades and I need a little information. Now then..." He pointed towards the castle. "Can you tell us who lives in the castle over there?"

"No one lives there," the woman confirmed.

"...Right," Dmitri started to say. "Can you tell us who your ruling lord is, then? Or at least your magistrate...?"

"We don't have a lord," the woman replied.

Hearing this surprised all but Kiran. "Hold on--what do you mean?" Walhart asked, for once befuddled by something.

"I told your companion," Dennis started to answer, "we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turn, to act as sort of an officer for the week..."

"Uh-huh, go on..." Claude said as he started jotting down notes on a little pad of paper.

"...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting..."

"...Seriously...?" Edelgard wondered mutedly.

"...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs..."

Zephiel pinched the bridge of his nose, already annoyed with this drivel he was being subjected to. I never could tolerate this much bureaucracy even in my own world...

"...or by a two-thirds majority, in the case of..."

How do they even get things done...? Dmitri wondered with a hint of incredulity.

"All right, we've heard enough," Walhart said firmly. "You can cease your prattling immediately."

"Oh, 'cease prattling', eh?" the woman sarcastically questioned. "Who's he think he is?"

"I am Walhart, the Conqueror--emperor of Valm!" Walhart stated.

"Well, I didn't vote for you," the woman replied back.

...Vote? Zephiel, Edelgard, and Dmitri all mentally wondered simultaneously. Claude, on the other hand, added that detail to his already-three pages of notes.

"Last I checked, you don't vote for Emperors," Walhart said, while looking to the others. "Or kings, empresses, or dukes for that matter."

"Well, how'd you all become whatever you are, then?" the woman asked.

Kiran looked to the royals under his command, twiddling his thumbs before offering up an answer. "...For each, they're pretty long stories..."

"How about the abridged versions then?"

"Hum...Well, I'll try. *Ahem!*" He first pointed to Walhart: "Led a massive military campaign across the entirety of the continent of Valentia." On pointing to Zephiel: "Struck down his jealous, fearful father, the previous king of Bern, after faking his own death." On Edelgard: "Forced her own father, the Adrestrian Emperor, to step down from the throne." On Dmitri: "Ascended the throne following the death of his uncle, the regent of Faerghus, during an attempted coup by forces supporting the Adrestrian Empire." On Claude: "And stepped up to his position after his grandfather, the previous Duke Riegan, passed on." He paused a moment before adding an additional, common detail. "Other than all those, the fact they wield powerful, ancient weapons handed down through generations of their respective lines also contributed."

Dennis and the woman (who turned out to be his mother) gave each other skeptical looks before the former responded to all that Kiran had elaborated on. "Listen, and I direct this at all of you," Dennis started to say, "neither military power, deaths in the family, or being given strange weapons count as the basis for a system of government. SUPREME executive power derives from a mandate of the masses, not from paramilitary intimidation, nepotism, or fancy meat cleavers."

"I'm starting to get really tired of this man..." Zephiel grumbled oh-so-subtly.

"You can't expect to wield supreme executive power, just 'cause, say, some weirdly-designed spear landed in your lap..." Dennis continued in his rant.

Dmitri took great offense to that remark. "Why, you--shut your mouth!"

"Uh-oh..." both Kiran and Claude uttered on seeing Dmitri's reaction.

"Why, if I went around sayin' I was a king, just 'cause say, some watery tart had put a sword in my hands, they'd put me away for spouting such crazed nonsense-"

"I said shut your mouth!" Dmitri shouted as he grabbed Dennis by the collar. "You know NOTHING of what I went through--!"

"AH," an unfazed Dennis said, "NOW we see the violence inherent in the system!"

"Shut up!" Dmitri yelled as he shook Dennis, forcing Kiran, Claude, and even Zephiel to hold him back and force him to release Dennis, who then cupped both hands to his mouth as he began call out to the other villagers in the area.

"Come and see the violence inherent in the system!" he cried. "Help, help, I'm bein' repressed!"

After managing to get Dmitri to back down, Kiran and Claude decided for the best that the party should just move on. Edelgard agreed, as did Zephiel, Walhart, and begrudgingly Dmitri. Before they were out of the sight of Dennis and the other villagers, the wielder of Areadbhar grumbled to himself, "Bloody peasant..."

Apparently, it wasn't quiet enough as Dennis could make it out. "Oh, what a giveaway--did you see that?" he said to the other villagers, pointing towards the departing group. "Did you see him repressin' me? You saw it, didn't you?..."

Moments later, a great distance away from the anarcho-syndicalist commune, the group mostly walked in silence, until Walhart broke it. "Well, that was a detour I don't plan on making again anytime soon..."

Claude smirked a bit as he looked over the notes he jotted down. "Oh, I don't know, I think we (or at least, I) got something useful out of that little side-quest. The guy had a few good points..."

Edelgard rolled her eyes at that remark before returning to looking over an unfurled scroll of parchment. "Huh--that explains things."

"What are you talking about?" Kiran asked.

"I was going over this map of Askr," Edelgard began to answer, "and discovered why those people hadn't heard of the Order. Or much of anything, really." She then pointed towards a dark spot on the part of the map that marked their present location. "This whole area's unincorporated territory."

A beat passed through the rest of the group as they took in the very, very simple explanation. It was then that Kiran made a note to inform Queen Henriette, upon the group's return to Askr Castle, that it might be better to leave the area home to the commune be. (For the sake of everyone's sanity.)

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Bonus Vignette: Hubert's Hubris--Or, How Not to Give the Empress of Adrestria Bad News

The imperial palace throne room, Enbarr, the Adrestrian Empire, five years following the fall of Garreg Mach...

Hubert von Vestra, ever-loyal right hand to current Adrestrian Empress Edelgard von Hresvelg, was walking towards the woman in question, sitting on her throne, a goblet placed on the right armrest. He'd come with a specific purpose in mind, one that, deep down, he wasn't looking forward to.

"Your Majesty," he began as soon as he was at her side, "I have...news."

Edelgard regarded her longtime aide with slightly-furrowed brows before she spoke. "And what sort of news do you bring?" She furrowed her brows further before continuing. "It isn't bad news, is it? Just in case you didn't notice earlier, I'm in no mood to take bad news right now. Today's been good, quite good so far-I had a good night's sleep, I had a good B.M., I do NOT want to hear any bad news. Now, what sort of news do you have for me?"

Hubert, a look of slight concern on his face before recomposing himself, briefly looked from side-to-side before he responded, a hint of hesitation in his voice. "...Well, to be perfectly frank, it's bad news."

Needless to say, Edelgard responded accordingly. "...I KNEW IT!" she fumed while swatting aside her goblet in a fashion indicating she was (putting it mildly) quite peeved. "It had to be bad news!" She sighed as she rested her head on her left set of knuckles, before straightening back up with a look of inspiration on her face. "Hold on, I just had a thought..." She turned to Hubert as she continued. "Hubert, I want you to give me the bad news in a good way." She held her chin as she elaborated on her thinking. "The way I figure it, by being delivered in a good way, the news won't sound as bad. Is that understood?"

Hubert, more than a little befuddled by his new order, briefly looked our way before he responded to Edelgard. "B-bad news in-in a good way..." he repeated, as if seeking clarification. "Er...Y-yes, yes I can do that, 'bad news in a good way', let's see..." He then cleared his throat before he made his attempt, adopting a more...jollier expression that looked positively alien on the normally dark and brooding young man. "*AHEM* Ha-ha-HA! W-wait till you hear what was reported to me by our scouts observing Garreg Mach. They informed me that-heh-heh-Professor Byleth is back after having been missing these past five years-pha-ha-hah!"

Hearing the news of her former teacher's return made Edelgard raise a curious eyebrow, as well as sport a tiny wisp of a smile.

"Oh-oh and, they managed to reunite with the rest of our fellow students who've been watching over the monastery," Hubert continued, the laughter starting to become a bit more genuine. "And you know, they-ha-ha-ha-they totally went to town on the thieves who've been pillaging the ruins for a while now, none of them spared! *Phah-ha-ha-hah!*"

That does sound like something the Professor would do, Edelgard mused to herself.

"Oh, oh wait, it gets better," Hubert said as he kept going, his right hand clutching his left side. "They-they not only met up with Claude, but also found the one who's been completely decimating the troops we keep sending into the ruins--and it's Dmitri, who's not only alive, but somehow managed to escape imprisonment! *Heh-heh-ha-ha-ha-ha!*"

Hearing this caused the wisp of a smile to vanish from Edelgard's lips while her mouth went agape, as well as brought her other eyebrow up to join its twin in astonishment.

"Dmitri still absolutely hates you with a vengeance-pff-ha-ha-ha!" Hubert continued as more of the self-inflicted mirth began to overtake him, while Edelgard's jaw dropped further and her eyes grew wider. "And, and, he wants to see your head off your shoulders and put on a spike at the gates of Enbarr! *WHEEZE* BHA-HA-HA-HAH! *SNORT* *SNORT* And, and since the Professor and Claude have managed to bring Dmitri into their fold-HA-HA-HA-as well as brought in the Church's forces-HAHAHAH!-we're going to be in an awful lot of trouble! *WHEEZE* BWA-HA-HA-HA-HAH...!"

That last line was enough to cause the usually calm and collected empress to break her composure. "WHAT'RE YOU, CRAZY?!" she said in a further uncharacteristic panic, which caused Hubert to cease his reporting. "Why are you laughing?! Forget bad, this is terrible news!"

Hubert, once again, became befuddled. "Wha-but I, I-you-you told me to...I was just trying to 'soften the blow', as it were--"

Edelgard frowned and rolled her eyes. "Well, you blew it, Hubie, REALLY blew it..."

Edelgard, from that point forward, never asked to be given bad news in a good way again.

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 7 - Supper of the Dragons

*And now, a minor additional crossover with...The Slayers.*

*Grumble* The things I do to expand my magical repertoire...

The above line of thought came from one Lina Inverse, young sorceress from another realm-one that was outside the Fire Emblem multiverse, no less! Thanks to her experimenting with a instant-travel portal spell, the mistress of the legendary (and infamous) Dragon Slave had accidentally transported herself and her three companions to Askr. Now the four needed to find the necessary ingredients in order for her to cast the spell again and get them back to their own realm, and that, unfortunately...took money. Thus, they were forced to take odd jobs in the town next to Castle Askr, where they learned all about the Order of Heroes from word-of-mouth. Blonde and not-as-bright swordsman Gourry Gabriev, he who wielded the Sword of Light, joined up with a small construction crew as a laborer; Zelgadis Graywords, accidental chimera in search of a cure for his condition, took a position with the local smithy; and Amelia Wil Tesla Saillune, youngest princess of Saillune and an accomplished white magician, volunteered as an aide at the local parish. Which left Lina...working as a server at a rather prominent inn in town. Meaning she had to deal with her very by-the-book boss of a host and innkeeper.

"Inverse!"

Speaking of...Lina, apron over her usual garb, walked over to the innkeeper, a middle-aged woman you'd almost mistake for actress and Robin Hood: Men In Tights cast member Megan Cavanagh, to receive her latest task. "Yes, ma'am?"

The innkeeper briefly flicked off a bit of dust on Lina's left shoulder before she spoke. "Tonight, we have a private party for some members of the Order of Heroes in one of our back rooms."

"Uh-huh, a private party..." Lina said with a nod of her head.

"You are to take their orders..." the innkeeper instructed.

"Got it, take their orders..." Lina repeated to herself.

"Be correct-"

"Right, be 100% correct-"

"And of course, be polite-"

"Absolutely, be polite-"

"And most of all: PUSH the mulled wine, we're unfortunately stuck with it!"

"Push the mulled wine..." Lina repeated as she jotted it down on her little notepad. "We're stuck-"

"Not that part!" the innkeeper emphasized. "Now go!"

"Yes ma'am, right away ma'am!" Lina replied. "(Touchy, touchy...)"

As Lina headed off to the back room where the private party was seated, the innkeeper shook her head before briefly looking our way. "Can't get any good help today...!"

Lina soon found the door to the room, with a little sign that said "Private Gathering" hanging from it. On opening the door, she found herself quite astonished by who was behind it. They weren't just members of the Order of Heroes she'd heard so much about; though they were in human form, Lina could tell-all who were seated at the table were dragons. Some had very visible features that indicated as such, be they pointy ears, visible wings, or a specific shade of green for hair color. All exuded an aura that Lina could sense, and it was one she was quite familiar with.

No way...she thought to herself....I wonder if Filia knows any of them...Based on what Lina was hearing, it appeared that the gathering was some sort of...interdimensional family reunion?

"It is so good to see all of you here," Naga of Realm-I said with a smile on her face. "Rare is the occasion where our brother Askr has everything in perfect alignment for us to catch up on things. I know each of you have your own realms to watch over, but thanks to his allies in Vanaheimr, they will be left untouched until the conflict with Embla is resolved." Aside from Naga, those in attendance included her daughters Tiki (both younger and older versions) and Nagi, along with their longtime guardian, the fire dragon Bantu; Valentia's dragons, Mila and her brother Duma, both also of Realm-I; Nowi and Nah, both from two future eras of Realm-I; Ninian and her brother Nils, ice dragons from Realm-III; Fae, the youngest divine dragon, from the future of Realm-III; Myrrh of Realm-IV; King Deghinsea, his son Prince Kurthnaga, and the Prince's subordinate Ena, all from Realm-V; Corrin and Korrinna, along with their respective future children Kana and Kuro, as well as their retainer Lilith, from Realm-VI; Sothis, Rhea (aka Seiros), Seteth (aka Cichol), and Flayn (aka Cethleann) of Realm-X; and Lumera, Alear, and Alara of Realm-XI.

"Agreed, cousin," Mila chimed in while she looked over towards two more of their number. "It also affords us to connect with those newer generations among us, along with the more distant relations in the family." She was referring to some of the newer faces at the table, namely those faces from Realms-X and XI.

"Much appreciated, dear cousin Mila," Flayn said with a slight bow of her head.

"Sorry that Indech and Macuil couldn't make it," Sothis said with a shrug, "but they send their regards." She then noticed out of the corner of her eye that Rhea was avoiding some of the food on her plate. "(Seiros, please quit fiddling with your vegetables and just eat them.)"

"(Yes, mother,)" Rhea replied as she speared one with her fork and ate it, if a bit reluctantly. The sight of this left Lina dumbfounded, especially considering Sothis looked young enough to be Rhea's daughter.

"The gesture is much appreciated," Naga said. "Be sure to pass along ours in return." She then focused on those next to the dragons of Fódlan. "Lumera, it's been far too long. I mean, your children have grown quite a lot since the last time we spoke!"

"Not just physically, mind you," Lumera said in turn. "They've also become quite skilled with the sword. I couldn't be more proud than I already am!"

"Mother..." both Alear and Alara said, growing a bit pink with embarrassment.

"How come you have hair with two different colors?" Nowi asked the Elyos twins. "I get the eye thing, it happens-but hair?"

"You know, I've never really pondered that till now," Alear replied as he briefly fiddled with one of his bangs.

It was then that the party of dragons heard someone clear their throat, causing them to turn towards Lina, feeling a bit awkward for having unintentionally intruded on their conversation.

"Um...hi," she greeted as she quickly got out her pad and pencil. "Does anyone want soup?"

"Er...do you think you can come back in a little while?" Nah asked in turn, feeling a bit awkward herself.

"We really want to make the most of this time to talk," (older) Tiki added. "This might be our last supper together for another millennia!"

"Hey, cut me some slack, it's my first order!" Lina responded. "Look, just one little question and I'll get out of your hair-are you all together, or is it separate checks?" The party of dragons made some dismissive sounds and motions in response. "Okay, okay, yeesh..."

"Regarding a more important matter," Nagi began to say, "some of us have been wondering if there's been any headway in terms of finding a cure for draconic degeneration."

"Unfortunately, a definitive answer is still not within our grasp," Seteth responded. "In comparing notes with Corrin and Lumera, we currently remain at an inconclusive stage." Nagi frowned at that. "In spite of that, Castle Askr's library has proven to be a great resource, as have the many mages and scholars among our friends and comrades in the Order of Heroes, so we won't be losing hope any time soon."

"That's reassuring to hear," Mila said. "Thankfully, this condition is more of a rare occurrence among those of us in Realm-I, though I do often worry about who among us might be affected more severely."

"Duma?" Lina asked, startling the normally-stoic divine dragon patron of Rigel and getting his attention; he'd been listening intently to the conversation, considering the secret he was keeping about himself, that he almost thought Lina had somehow found him out.

"How do you know my name?" he asked in a firm voice, attempting to regain the iota of dignity he thought lost with his prior response.

"...Your nametag?" Lina replied, pointing to the identifier in question on his chest plate.

Duma looked down, realizing he'd forgotten he had that there; in fact, all the other dragons in attendance had nametags. "Oh," he said, before resuming his super-serious demeanor. "What do you want?"

"Can I interest you in a beverage?" Lina asked in turn, putting on her best salesgirl face. "The mulled wine comes highly-recommended, rated best in town!"

Duma sighed wearily before giving her a dismissive wave. "NO-now leave us. Do not make me say it twice."

"All right, all right. Goddess..." Lina said semi-placatingly.

"Yes?" Naga, Mila, Sothis, and Lumera all responded inquisitively.

"What?" Lina responded.

"What?" Naga asked.

"...What?" a confused Lina replied.

"Yes?" Sothis asked.

Lina, befuddled, rolled her eyes in slight exasperation. "Goddess...!"

"What?" Mila asked confusedly.

"Yes?" Lina asked in turn.

"What?" Lumera asked.

"W-well, you-you said 'what'..." Lina tried to answer, pointing at all four.

"What?" Naga, Mila, Sothis, and Lumera asked, still perplexed; it was a sentiment shared by the other dragons at the table.

Lina scratched her head absent-mindedly with the back of her pencil, before throwing her hands up in 'surrender'. "Forget it, never mind..."

The door to the room then opened, and in walked a teen boy wearing the uniform of Garreg Mach Officer's Academy from Realm-X, though without the jacket. He was carrying an easel and other art supplies in his hands.

"Hi, Ignatz, you made it!" Sothis greeted the newcomer.

"Oh! Uh, that's good, I was afraid I was late," the bespectacled student replied, before bowing in the presence of the other dragons.

Lina was confused by this new development. "Hang on, what's-?"

"It's all good," Sothis said. "I commissioned him to do a group portrait of us."

Ignatz put his supplies down as he took in the scene before him, inspecting it with his artistic eye. "Hmm..."

"Something wrong, Ignatz?" Flayn asked.

Ignatz finished thinking over his initial ideas before he answered her. "Well...it's just that as-is, all I'll be getting are the backs of most of you." He gave it some more thought before he hit upon an idea. "All right, I think I've got something-if I could have those of you on the left side of the table move to the other side, then arrange yourselves with tallest in the back and shortest in front, we should be good to go. Will that be okay?"

The dragons on the left side of the table made some affirmative responses or gestures as they got up from their seats, with the stronger ones lifting the benches and moving them to the other side, where the dragons on that half moved and rearranged their positions based on Ignatz's suggestion. Ignatz himself then set up his easel, put his canvas on it, and quickly mixed up his paints. When his mixtures were ready, he looked up at the group of dragons and instantly saw the composition he was looking for.

"Okay, and...hold it!" he said while pointing his brush at the group. The painting that resulted from his efforts would later be hung in the gallery of Askr Castle, where those who looked at it marveled at the wondrous work Ignatz had done. (While also chuckling a bit at the unexpected addition to the group, as a flustered, caught-unawares Lina had wound up in the shuffle of the dragons' impromptu game of 'musical chairs', with her holding her silvery platter up behind Naga's head. Some observers even remarked how it almost looked like a halo...)

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 8 - To Camelot or Not...?

Continuing a plot thread from Vignette 6, we look in on the group of Heroes being led by Prince Alfonse of Askr. Under his command were Luke of Realm-I, a cavalier; the archer Leon, also of Realm-I; the wyvern rider Altena, of Realm-II (as well as the older sister of Lief); Lalum, the fun-loving and boisterous dancer from Realm-III's future; and Micaiah of Realm-V, their resident magic-user. They were traveling at present towards the site of some supposed Emblian activity and were presently looking for a place to stop for the night.

"*Ugh* My feet are killing me..." Lalum complained with a groan. "That tears it, once we get back to Askr Castle, I'm investing in some better footwear!"

"Make sure you take me along with you then," Leon chimed in. "I found a great cobbler in the castle town a little while back, might be able to help you pick out something with both style AND good support."

"It's a date!" Lalum cheerfully agreed.

Further up the caravan, Micaiah was speaking with Alfonse. "How soon until Altena returns?"

Alfonse looked ahead of them to make out a flier in the distance. "I think that's her right now," he replied.

Soon enough, the red-armored wyvern rider was hovering alongside the others. "Found something up ahead, your highness," she confirmed. "Looks like a good prospect, in terms of shelter for the night."

"Well, what're we waiting for then?" Luke eagerly posed. "Show us the way, milady! My horse's dogs are barking like you wouldn't believe!"

Moments later, the party was at the bottom of a path leading to a rather nice-looking castle atop a hill. A sign in front of them identified the place in question as--

"Camelot?" Micaiah read out loud in a confused tone of voice.

"Rather a quaint name, don't you think?" Leon added as he absent-mindedly rubbed the back of his head.

Alfonse had a map of Askr out that he was going over. "Strangely enough, it's not on the map here--and I don't remember seeing it on any of the maps I've gone over back home."

"Who cares?" Luke said before letting out a yawn. "Let's just head up and see if they'll take us in till morning."

"I'm with him on this one," Lalum affirmed. "I'll be so relieved that I'll gladly muster up a happy dance even in my current state!"

With that, the party (along with Luke's horse and Altena's wyvern) trekked up the path until they reached the castle doors, where Alfonse proceeded to use one of the large metal knockers to see if someone would answer. As if automatically, both doors opened to reveal a tableau that took the party by great surprise:

The knights within, all singing, all dancing (some even on the tables of the feast hall), while a little musical troupe played in the background, all to a very, very jaunty-sounding tune.

Knights:

We're Knights of the Round Table,

We dance whene're we're able.

We do routines and chorus scenes

With footwork im-pec-cable!

We dine well here in Camelot-

We eat ham and jam and Spam a loooooottttt!

The knights on the table did a brief jump before launching into a brief kickline step, with one kick unfortunately hitting a server carrying a stack of round flatbread. The sight of all this left the party of Heroes staring, wide-eyed with dumbfounded expressions (which even the two mounts shared) chock full of disbelief.

Knights:

We're Knights of the Round Table,

Our shows are for-mid-able.

Though many times, we're given rhymes

that are quite un-sing-able.

We're opera-mad in Camelot,

we sing from the diaphragm a loooooooootttttt!

The knights on the table continued their hopping kickline, before three of their number then broke into a little soft-shoe routine and one used four of his comrades as a human drum kit by tapping a wooden spoon and a mace atop their helmets (the latter of which he accidentally knocked out another server with, further astonishing the Heroes at the door).

Knights:

In war we're tough and able...

[The sound of a cat getting its tail stepped on was briefly heard, startling the Heroes.]

Quite in-de-fa-tig-able...

Between our quests, we sequin vests,

and impersonate Clark Gable.

It's a busy life in Camelot...

Knight [in a low baritone]:

I have to push the pram a looooooottttt!

As soon as the music ended, both Luke and Alfonse quickly pulled the doors closed in front of them, before they and the party swiftly turned around towards the path they came up.

"...Oh-kaaaayyyy...On second thought, let's not stay at Camelot," Alfonse said.

"Seconded!" Lalum added. "I'm an admittedly pretty silly person, but even that was too silly a place for my tastes."

"Y'know what? I think my steed and I can manage another round of walking," Luke quickly chimed in.

Altena, Leon, and Micaiah nodded just as quickly in agreement, and soon the whole party headed back down the path to resume their original route. All the while, Alfonse made a mental note to ask the Summoner about two things:

Who was Clark Gable, and what is Spam?

Edited April 1, 2023 by Aior0sS@ggitar!us

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 9 - Theodoric of York: Medieval Blacksmith

 

*And now, a minor additional crossover with...Saturday Night Live? (Wait, we can do that?)*

 

Narrator (with a very 'Don Pardo' voice):

"In the Middle Ages, metalwork was as important a trade as farming, medicine, masonry, or military service. The art of shaping metal into tools, armor, or weapons was conducted by those who had the teachings of the craft passed down from generation to generation, since the days where fire was first discovered. The medieval blacksmiths were pioneers to our era's modern metalworkers, and many of the techniques they developed are still practiced today.

This is the story of one such master of the forge."

 

Sitting in a chair as he overlooked the foundry he was in charge of, a Steve Martin-ish man with shoulder-length white hair was examining some pieces of scrap metal. He wore an apron, a black hat with white stitching, black pants and boots, and a white shirt underneath the apron. At this point in his musings, a very Dan Aykroyd-looking worker arrived to greet him.

 

"Good morrow to you, Theodoric of York!" the worker said with a wave; he notably had two fingers missing from his right hand. "Quite a lovely day we're having, isn't it?"

 

"Hello, Calvin, son of Devon the Porter," Theodoric greeted in turn as he rose from his chair. "Indeed it is. You're just in time for the start of your shift with the wheelwrights. I expect good work from you, as always."

 

"And like always, I'll endeavor to give you my best!" Calvin replied with a small salute of his three-fingered hand. He then walked over to a rack to pick up his apron and get to work.

 

Narrator:

"And now, it's time for another episode of:

 

Theodoric of York: Medieval Blacksmith"

 

"Oh, Broom-Gilda!" Theodoric called out for his longtime aide. Said aide, a woman who could be described as a 'Gilda Radner-type', appeared at his side on hearing him.

 

"You called, Theodoric?" she asked.

 

"How are we on the new equipment order for the Askran army?" he asked in turn.

 

"We should be well ahead of the initial completion schedule," Broom-Gilda answered. "The men have been running like clockwork to ensure all the units have been completed and ready for delivery."

 

"Good to hear," Theodoric answered. "I knew having the men working continuously over the span of four days was one of my better ideas. By dusk, I wager, we'll have produced so many weapons, armor, and implements that we practically couldn't give them away!"

 

Just then, a more colorful group of people entered the space that acted as Theodoric's 'office'. Said group came from the very force he'd mentioned earlier, and consisted of Commander Anna; the great knight Frederick, from the future of Realm-I; Realm-II's Ayra, a master swordswoman; Realm-V's Marcia, a Pegasus knight; and Effie of Realm-VI, an armored knight of impressive strength. Effie, in particular, looked quite constrained due to what appeared to be the oddly-proportioned, tighter-than-normal armor she was wearing. All of them had very pointed glares on their faces, directed squarely at Theodoric.

 

"Ah, and speaking of Askr's forces, welcome to my humble forge, Commander Anna of the Order of Heroes!" Theodoric greeted with a bow. "What brings you by? Checking up on the progress of the allotment we've been making for you?"

 

"...Something like that," Anna replied. "Consider this an impromptu inspection, of sorts."

 

"Oh?" Theodoric said confusedly. "What brought this on, if I may ask?"

 

"We've received some very firm complaints regarding your handiwork, Theodoric," Anna answered as she pointed to her companions. "These four are just some of the latest to present them." Said four nodded in affirmation.

 

"Well, I'll be glad to hear them out," Theodoric offered. "And if things are as bad as they say, I'll do everything humanly possible to rectify them. Bear in mind, we blacksmiths aren't gods. Metalwork, like any form of craftsmanship, is an inexact science--yet we are learning all the time. Why, just decades prior, we still--"

 

"Please save the spiel until you actually hear the complaints," Anna exhorted while pinching the bridge of her nose, as Ayra stepped forward.

 

"Last week, I had you repair one of my spare steel swords," Ayra began to explain as she unsheathed the weapon in question. "However, when I went to test it at the training grounds of Askr Castle, the moment I landed a blow on the dummy, not only did it bounce off the thing without so much as leaving a scratch--it actually made a sound swords aren't supposed to make!" To demonstrate her point, she made a swift stroke of the sword and slashed at a nearby wooden stool, only for the blade to actually bounce off the piece of furniture and make a funny-sounding *BOING* in the process, the same kind of comedic *BOING* heard when one is hit below the waist by a ball. "If I were to take this out with me in battle, not only would it be ineffective against my foes, I'd also be a laughingstock in their eyes!"

 

Theodoric did not appear to be fazed by Ayra's irritation. "Not to worry, my good woman, another round of hammering should bring your sword back to its usual deadliness."

 

"As if I'd trust you with it, considering what I just showed you!" Ayra bit back.

 

"Same with me and this iron lance I brought in three days ago!" Marcia fumed as she held said lance out. She briefly flicked the spearhead, and it proceeded to wiggle like Jell-O. "What kind of cockamamie materials are you using in this place?!"

 

"I assure you, young lady, that here at my foundry we utilize only the finest raw materials in our crafting," Theodoric said. "AND locally-sourced, we guarantee."

 

Effie then stepped forward...Or rather, waddled forward, thanks to how tight-fitting her armor was. "You call this a bloody suit of armor?!" she shouted in frustration. "Sure, it's not as heavy as my usual suit, but the fit and the proportions are the most asymmetrical I've ever seen!"

 

"And there is a good reason for that," Theodoric explained. "I had my men cobble it together using pieces from the bin of parts we couldn't find a match for. In spite of that, it should still offer you the utmost protection in battle. Plus, it matches, color-wise, your regular suit of armor, last I checked."

 

"Oh, you must be joking..." Effie grumbled as she gave herself a facepalm.

 

Theodoric then turned his attention to Frederick. "And what of you, sir knight? Armor or weaponry?"

 

Frederick, brows furrowed, turned a bit towards the foundry's entrance. "It's about my horse, actually--mainly, the horseshoes I had you fit them with." Said horse then proceeded to trot in--or rather, strut in, if the 'Stayin' Alive'-esque riff playing in the background and the disco-style platform soles under its feet were any indicator. Frederick then returned his glare to Theodoric. "Mine is a steed born and bred to ride into battle--not to mingle like a stud at Stable 54."

 

"Ah, but surely you'd see the tactical value in your steed riding into battle in style, would you not?" Theodoric offered.

 

"Surely, you jest," Frederick responded, totally unfazed by Theodoric's words.

 

Anna spoke up before Theodoric could reply to that. "These are just the tip of the iceberg, Theodoric. We've also gotten complaints about the conditions that your men work under--no breaks in-between shifts, insanely long hours, and utterly haphazard quality of safety, JUST to name a few."

 

"Nonsense--I tell you, my staff are quite satisfied in their place of work and with their work itself," Theodoric said.

 

It was then that a small explosion was heard in the background, the force enough to send Calvin the worker flying into a pile of scraps. "I'm okay!" he said as he raised a thumbs-up from the debris. Broom-Gilda, on the other hand, sighed with a shake of her head as she walked over to a sign that said Number of Days Without Accident: 3 and proceeded to switch out the '3' with a well-worn '0'. The sight of this was not doing Theodoric any more favors. "...I understand how this must appear to you, but--"

 

"No buts about it, Theodoric," Anna sternly said. "This foundry of yours has to be one of, if not the, worst operations I've ever seen. How you manage to stay in business is absolutely baffling! Just admit, for once, that you don't have a single idea of what you're doing!"

 

It was at this moment that Theodoric stepped towards us as a spotlight seemed to shine on him. "Wait a minute--perhaps she raises a great point. It is highly likely that I have been extremely lax and unintentionally cruel in the way I run my foundry, with the quality of the product we create suffering in the process. Maybe it no longer needs to be this way; I could allow my workers to unite themselves in a newer take on a guild, one that could be open to many others who work a similar craft as they--a union, of sorts. Together they could have the power to...to collectively bargain for things that would be in their shared best interests. And I could do my part as well, by perhaps implementing a new sort of scheduling system so as to not work them to the bone, with a set number of hours per week--maybe thirty-seven and a half, or even forty! I could provide benefits to them, such as coverage for their medical needs should they ever find themselves in an on-the-job accident. Speaking of, I could strive to better improve the working conditions of the foundry by investing in higher-quality safety equipment, or even allow myself to be subjected to the safety regulations enforced by the government! All this, as the prelude to a brighter future, for both labor and the consumer base we ultimately provide a valuable service for!..."

 

The instant he finished his profound monologue, he paused and gave what he'd just said some thought for a moment, before ultimately...with a dismissive handwave, he said "Naaaaaahhh!".

 

Narrator:

"Tune in next week, for another episode of

 

Theodoric of York: Medieval Blacksmith

 

When you'll hear Theodoric say..."

 

Theodoric reached into a drawer in his desk and pulled out a small sack full of gold coins. "I'm sure I could offer you some incentive to overlook my...meager infractions?" he asked Anna while offering the coins.

 

Anna, arms folded, intensified her glare. "I may come from a family of merchants, and yes, we may have something of an obsession with money...but we're not that shallow to be bribed so easily." She briefly glanced at Frederick and Effie. "I do believe a little jail time is in order for our 'enterprising' smith?" Both Frederick and Effie nodded as they moved to either side of Theodoric, lifted him up by the shoulders, and began to carry him off.

 

"Well, can't blame a fellow for trying..." Theodoric said with a brief shrug.

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 10 - Nearly-Married to the Mob

Our attention now turns to the Emblian forces, as their leader, Imperial Princess Veronica, sat at a small table in a gazebo on a hill overlooking a rather peaceful-looking valley. She was meeting someone for a cup of tea and said someone was running a bit late. Just when she was about to reach for another scone, she heard footsteps on the path leading to the gazebo; upon looking towards the direction they were coming from, she found her expected guest finally arriving at a jogging pace, in spite of the armor they were wearing. Said guest, as it turned out, was the mysterious Flame Emperor from Realm-X, one of a number of antagonistic-types Veronica had summoned on her own end (or so she thought) in order to counter the forces of Askr's Order of Heroes. When they came to a stop at the gazebo entrance, Veronica could audibly make out what sounded like panting.

 

"*Sigh* Go ahead and take it off, Edelgard," Veronica implored. "This whole place has been swept for spies. Your secret remains safe with me."

 

On hearing that, the Flame Emperor eagerly took their helmet off, revealing themselves as none other than Edelgard, imperial princess of Adrestria. "*GASP* I can't breathe in this thing!" she said as she took the proffered seat on the other side of the table.

 

"I imagine it's a bit difficult, playing double-agent within the Order of Heroes," Veronica said while pouring her a cup of tea. "Especially with that outfit of yours."

 

"No jesting," Edelgard said in turn as she took a sip of the fresh tea. "Were it not for Hubert and his teleportation spells, it'd be even worse getting around. If I walk, the story would be over already."

 

"Agreed," Veronica concurred as she took a sip herself. The two were quiet for a short time as they sat and took in the scenery in front of them, before Veronica struck up a new conversation.

 

"Tell me, Edelgard," she began. "Are there times where you've regretted making certain...alliances?"

 

"May I ask where this is coming from?" Edelgard asked.

 

"Nowhere, really," Veronica answered. "Before you and those of your world were summoned, during the conflict with Múspell, I found myself making a bargain with that trickster, Loki. In hindsight, not one of my better decisions. I ask if you've ever had similar thoughts because I want to make sure I don't do the same going forward."

 

"...I see," Edelgard said. "Well, to answer your question, yes, there is one I wish I hadn't made. I believe I told you of the ones who gave me the Flame Emperor armor, correct?"

 

"Yes," Veronica replied. "'Those Who Slither in the Dark', correct? The same group who, if I recall from our earlier talks, conducted the experiments that made you and that other girl--Lysithea?--the way you are now?" 

 

Edelgard nodded. "Though we both bear a significant grudge against the Church of Seiros in my world, and this is only an alliance of convenience, honestly speaking...there are times where I'd wish that I'd worked with the other group I sought out to help me achieve my goals."

 

Hearing this surprised Veronica a little. "Really? 'Slither' wasn't your first choice?"

 

"Indeed," Edelgard confirmed. "It happened after I'd first received the Flame Emperor armor. I initially wanted to just take it and get myself immediately out from under Thales and company's collective thumb. To that end, Hubert and I made contact with the head of a certain group of...let's just call them 'businessmen'..."

 

-X-

 

Realm-X, the back room of a secured tavern in Adrestria's capital Enbarr, Imperial Year 1179...

 

Edelgard, as the Flame Emperor, sat on one side of the table in the candle-lit room as she met face-to-face with the gentleman before her. (Hubert, ever-dutiful, stood outside the door in the shadows.) The man was heavyset and balding, with a brown beard. He wore a black suit with a white frilled shirt underneath, and two large clasps with golden braids on the front of his coat. He had a couple of rings on two fingers of both hands, and on his head was a black hat with a feather in it. Resting on his lap was what appeared to be some sort of reptile.

 

"Good evening, Don DeLuise," Edelgard greeted, her voice disguised by the modulation spell in her helmet.

 

Don DeLuise removed his hat, laying it on the table, before running both hands along the top of his head tiredly. "Bonasera. Bonasera..." he muttered.

 

"It was very good of you to come at such short notice," Edelgard continued. "And all the way from Jersey, no less..."

 

"Well, it is quite a drive," Don DeLuise said.

 

"And yet...you do realize I wanted this to be a secret meeting, didn't you?" Edelgard asked before pointing with a gauntlet-clad finger to the two black-garbed individuals standing at either side of the man. "I mean seriously, who are these two?"

 

"These are my most trusted associates," Don DeLuise answered as he pointed to one of them. "On my right, we have 'Dirty' Ezio." The Eastwood-esque man stood silently with a slight sneer, chomping on his cigar with his arms folded. "To my left, is 'Filthy' Luca."

 

The stone-faced Luca, at that moment, proceeded to stand up from where he'd been sitting, before Don DeLuise could speak again. "We thank you, for inviting us, on the day of your daughter's wedding," Luca said. Beneath the faceplate of the helmet she wore, Edelgard sported a greatly-confused expression on hearing this. "I hope her first child, is a masculine child."

 

"Shut up, will ya? We haven't had the meeting yet," Don DeLuise said as he corrected his underling.

 

It took a minute for Luca to realize the don was correct. "Oh yeah," he said as he slowly sat back down.

 

"'Oh yeah'," Don DeLuise muttered before turning his focus back to the Flame Emperor. "Now, I understand you've been bothered by this Rhea dame, and you want her rubbed out, eliminated, maybe even killed."

 

"...Yes," Edelgard affirmed. "You put it quite succinctly, Don DeLuise."

 

The don looked at her, confused. "Suck what?"

 

Edelgard felt one of her eyebrows rise up in equal amounts of confusion. "Succinctly," she clarified. "As in, 'summed it up perfectly', 'straight to the point', et cetera."

 

"Right, right. I knew that," Don DeLuise said.

 

Sure, you did, Edelgard thought to herself with a mental eyeroll, before her attention was drawn to something else about the don. "If you'll pardon me, Don DeLuise, I mean no offense and all, but...your lizard appears to be limp."

 

The don pet the reptile in his lap before he replied. "Well, you understand, when you get to be my age, sometimes, you know..." Edelgard thanked the goddess that her helmet hid her face fully, for she found herself blushing at the don's response. It was then that the don realized what she'd been referring to. "...Oh, oh, my lizard. He's just sleeping, that's all." He then proceeded to stroke the underside of the lizard's chin. "Charlie. Charlie!" The lizard soon stirred awake, breathing into his owner's nose and causing him to wince a little. "*Sigh* I coulda been somebody! I coulda been a contender!...You know, Charlie's got bad breath." At that moment, Charlie proceeded to leave a little scat on the don's hand. "Oof--he got excited, you know. Come on..." He motioned for 'Dirty' Ezio to come over and hand him a handkerchief, with which he wiped the scat off his hand; Ezio proceeded to pocket the folded-up handkerchief once he was finished. (The whole time this was happening, a cartoony sweat drop emerged by Edelgard's head.) "Now normally, I'd be happy to be of service to you, but there is something that weighs heavily on my heart."

 

"And that would be?" Edelgard asked, a minute hint of skepticism in her (modulated) tone.

 

"In the years that we've been friends, Enbarr and Jersey," Don DeLuise continued, "never once have you invited me into your home, for coffee and cake, or ganool. Something, you know?"

 

Edelgard became confused by that last part. "Er...ganool?"

 

"A ganool," the don answered. "A pastry with stuffing, and sprinkles on top. Mmm..."

 

"Pardon me a moment," Edelgard said. "Again, I mean no offense, but honestly speaking, I can't understand a word you're saying right now."

 

"Pardon me, then," the don said in turn, "I actually just came back from the dentist. Must've forgotten to take out the cotton balls." He then reached into his own mouth and plucked said cotton balls out, handing them to Luca.

 

"I will take these cotton balls from you with my hand," Luca said as he did just that, "and put them in my pocket."

 

"Whatever," Don DeLuise muttered.

 

Edelgard then eyed Ezio. "I've noticed that your other man says quite little."

 

"More than that--he says nothing," the don stated.

 

"How come?"

 

"Because one of my enemies cut out his tongue."

 

Hearing this surprised the Flame Emperor. "Hold on, seriously?? Why would they do that?"

 

"Because," the don began to explain, "he went like this." The don then proceeded to make a face and stuck out his tongue while going "*BLEHBLEHBLEH!*" briefly. He then continued his explanation. "My enemy didn't like it, so he had Ezio's tongue cut out." He then motioned for Ezio to come forward. "Come over here, go like this." The don then proceeded to click his tongue, before he let out a wheezy laugh. "He can't do it. But I love to tease him!" he said before letting out another wheezy laugh.

 

Edelgard cleared her throat before speaking. "*A-HEM* If we could get back to the point--what do you plan to do about Lady Rhea...?"

 

-X-

 

"So, what plan did they offer you?" Veronica asked as she poured another cup of tea.

 

Edelgard rolled her eyes a little. "Oh, some paltry scheme involving the Archbishop and an archery contest," she replied with a dismissive handwave. "It seemed feasible on paper--the don's man, Luca, showed off an array of archery medals that would make even Claude von Riegan blush--but fell apart as soon as I brought up that Lady Rhea had no skill with the bow." Edelgard then helped herself to one of the scones on the plate. "As loathe as I am to say it, Thales and 'Those Who Slither' had considerably more power to throw at Lady Rhea and the Church's forces than Don DeLuise and the mob could muster. Also, more than how much the don could, Thales made me an offer I couldn't refuse."

 

"Yet still...?" Veronica posed.

 

"Still, if I could do things over, I'd have given the mob a shot," Edelgard admitted before taking another bite of scone. "They were, at the end of the day, still human."

 

**Author's Note(s)**

This vignette is dedicated to the memory of the comedy great (and semi-frequent Mel Brooks collaborator) Dom DeLuise.

Edited April 16, 2023 by Aior0sS@ggitar!us

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 11 - Ike's Knight Errant Error

Continuing, once again, a plot thread from Vignette 6, we look in on the group of Heroes being led by Princess Sharena of Askr. Under her command were the paladin couple of Clive and Mathilda from Realm-I; the dancer Lene of Realm-II's future; Princess Eirika of Renais from Realm-IV; and, most importantly for this vignette, Realm-V's Ike, his sister Mist, and the longtime tactician for the Greil Mercenaries, Soren. They'd been trekking through a wooded area for a while at this point, until they were met with another of their number: the ninja Saizo, from Realm-VI, who'd just returned from scouting ahead.

"What's the word, Saizo?" Sharena asked.

"Fighting up ahead, Princess," Saizo replied. "Two knights clashing their blades together, though the green-armored one also used an axe and a mace. The battle ultimately went to his opponent, however, who ran his sword through the green one."

"What does the other knight look like?" Eirika asked.

"Helmet was on the whole time," Saizo answered. "Though his whole suit of armor was jet-black, with-"

"Wait, did you say 'jet-black armor'?" Ike asked brusquely.

"Well, yes," Saizo confirmed, "but it's-"

"Found you..." Ike said in a foreboding whisper as he unsheathed his sword, Ragnell. "I knew Embla had summoned you at one point, but I never thought I'd get my chance-until now! Do you hear me, Black Knight?! I'm coming for you!" With that, Ike ran off towards where Saizo had just come from.

"What the-Ike, wait!" Sharena called out as she and the others started chasing after him.

While they ran, Lene asked the two of the group who knew Ike best the question she and those not Sharena or Saizo no doubt had on their minds. "What's with Ike? Why'd he run off like that?"

Soren, ever the pragmatic one, did what Mist was hesitant to do and offered an explanation. "The Black Knight was the one who killed his and Mist's father in a duel back in our world. Ike's been set on avenging him ever since by defeating the Knight in single combat himself." Soren narrowed his eyes in the direction of where his longtime friend had gotten a lead on them. "Though he should know better than to be so reckless at any mention-"

Soren's train of thought was interrupted as he and the rest of the group finally made it to a clearing at the end of the woods, where they found Ike and the Black Knight. However, the moment they looked upon the ebon-clad figure in a guard stance, they echoed the befuddled expression on Ike's face when they immediately realized...

...that the Black Knight standing before him was clearly not the murderer of Greil, the man whose mercenary company bore his name. The armor was nothing like the streamlined, ornate, yet combat-ready suit the general of Daein wore. This Black Knight's suit was simply a black-colored, somewhat ordinary-looking armor, with a black tunic over the torso bearing the red painted crest of a boar, and a belt with a silver buckle around his waist. The group briefly looked to the Knight's right and saw his previous opponent lying on the ground, dead. While this was clearly not the Black Knight Ike bore a grudge against, it was clear that this warrior might be formidable, so the young leader of the Greil Mercenaries remained cautiously on-guard. Looking around at the clearing, the only thing that stood out was a small bridge over a rather shallow ditch that could easily be crossed if one were to simply jump across it or just walk through it.

For once, Ike decided to try reasoning with the man before him. "Er, um, sorry for the surprise earlier," he said, though the knight hadn't even flinched when Ike first appeared. In fact, the knight didn't even make a move to attack. On getting no response, Ike spoke up again. "It's just that, well, in my haste, I mistook you for someone else." The knight remained silent, further befuddling the young swordfighter. "...Hello?" he said, waving his hand in front of the knight's face. Strange, Ike thought. "In any case, if it's all right with you, my comrades and I will just be moving along and-"

"NONE SHALL PASS," the Black Knight-who-wasn't-the-Daein-Black-Knight stated in a booming voice.

Hearing this took both Ike and the rest of the group by surprise. Ike blinked before asking, "What?"

"NONE SHALL PASS," the knight repeated.

"...Now look, I just said you weren't who I was looking for, so there's no need for me to fight you," Ike said. "The Black Knight I'm after-"

"I AM THE BLACK KNIGHT," the boar-emblazoned knight stated.

Ike sighed resignedly. This is going to be one of those days, isn't it? he mused. "No, the Black Knight I'm after is quite a different animal compared to you. Now if you'd please step aside, my comrades and I would like to cross that little bridge so we can get a move on, okay?"

Unexpectedly, Eirika stepped forward, standing a bit beside Ike at the edge of the ditch. "Um, Ike?"

Ike briefly looked at Eirika before just as briefly returning his focus to the 'Black Knight'. "Excuse me," he said before turning to face Eirika.

"Oh, excuse me as well," Eirika briefly said to the knight before resuming her conversation with Ike. "Ike, really, you don't need to engage in this farce any further." She pointed towards the ditch as she continued. "I mean, this isn't exactly the Narube River from my world. Just look." Eirika then stepped down onto one side of the ditch, and proceeded to hop onto the other side with ease. "See? I'm on one side..." She then hopped back onto the other bank. "...And now I'm on the other." She repeated her action to emphasize the point. "East bank, west bank." She then proceeded to stand with one leg on each of the banks. "You don't need to give this man the time of day, we can just bypass him without breaking a sweat."

Ike gave it a bit of thought before he replied to her. "True...still, as a matter of principal, if this 'Black Knight' intends to stand in my way, I won't back down from the challenge."

Eirika, perplexed by Ike's insistence, resignedly sighed before walking back to the others. "Rassafrassa macho posturing..." she muttered under her breath.

Ike turned to face the knight with his sword drawn forward. "I'm going to tell you politely one more time-my comrades and I intend to cross that bridge and be on our way. I'd be appreciative if you let us pass."

"I MOVE FOR NO MAN," the knight affirmed.

"And I don't stop for anyone," Ike said in turn.

"THEN YOU SHALL DIE," the knight responded as he suddenly charged forward at an astonishing speed. Said speed, however, was no match for Ike, who feinted to the right and, with one swift stroke, sliced the so-called 'Black Knight's' sword arm clean off. A few among the Heroes, mainly Mist and Lene, flinched a bit at the sight.

"There-the duel is mine," Ike said. "Now step aside."

"'TIS BUT A SCRATCH," the knight said.

The knight's response left Ike and the others wide-eyed and slack-jawed.

"A scratch?!" a dumbfounded Mathilda repeated.

"How is that a scratch?!" an equally-mystified Clive asked in protest while pointing to the severed limb in question. "Your arm's off!"

"NO IT ISN'T," the knight said.

Ike and the others did a double-take from the knight to the arm and back, gaping and trying to answer the question of what is even going on here.

"Well, what do you call THAT then?!" Mist asked while gesturing to the arm.

The knight briefly looked at his obviously-severed limb on the ground before returning his gaze to his opponent. "I'VE HAD WORSE." Hearing this led to Ike and the rest of the group face-palming in perfect sync. "COME ON THEN, YOU PANSY!" the knight then shouted as he charged Ike with his sword in his other hand. Ike, in turn, jumped out of the way and parried the knight's follow-up blow. With a grunt and a twist, Ike knocked the sword out of the knight's hand and sliced off the arm in another quick strike.

"All right, victory is most definitely mine," Ike said. "Now, if you'll just-OOF!" he let out as the knight kicked him in the stomach.

"COME ON, THEN!" the knight goaded, never losing his hammy disposition.

"What the-?!" Ike said before the knight interrupted him with a kick to his face.

"HAVE AT THEE!"

"Cut that out, will you?!" a frustrated Soren called out. "Ike's already won!"

"What he said!" Ike added, before being kicked in the side.

"OH, HAD ENOUGH, EH?" the knight taunted in turn.

Ike looked at the knight exasperatedly. "Had enough?! Are you insane?! I sliced both of your arms clean off! You don't have any left at all!"

"YES I DO!" the knight bit back in an almost-jovial tone of voice.

"What do you call those then?!" Saizo annoyedly posed as he pointed to the limbs on the ground.

"JUST A FLESH WOUND," the knight answered.

Sharena and the others gaped, her mouth in particular imitating that of a fish briefly, before gesticulating wildly towards both arms on the ground. "Are you that flipping dense?! Your arms are right-!"

Ike found himself being headbutted in the chest, the sight of which interrupted Sharena's train of thought. Ike gasped a bit as he tumbled backwards. "Stop it already, will you?!"

"CHICKEN! CHICKEN!" the knight taunted.

Ike soon became riled up by that insult, giving the knight a glare that would frighten even another Daein general in Petrine. "THAT'S IT-no more Mister Nice Merc!" Ike then slashed low and took off the knight's right leg.

"RIGHT, I'LL DO YOU FOR THAT!" the knight said, undaunted by losing yet another limb.

Ike, on the other hand, became further befuddled. "You'll WHAT?!"

"COME HERE!" the knight cried as he limped towards Ike.

"What're you going to do, bleed all over me?"

"I'M INVINCIBLE!"

Eirika fixed a glare on the knight. "Certifiably insane is more like it!"

"THE BLACK KNIGHT ALWAYS TRIUMPHS!" He then tried to nudge Ike over. "COME ON THEN! HAVE AT YOU!"

With a fourth swift stroke of Ragnell's blade, Ike nonchalantly sliced the man's remaining leg off, leaving him as nothing more than an upright quadruple-amputee. The knight looked around at his current situation while Ike cleaned off and sheathed Ragnell back up. "ALL RIGHT, WE'LL CALL IT A DRAW."

"*SIGH* All right, everyone, I think we're good to cross," Ike said as he motioned for the others while he started making his way across the bridge. He took a brief last look at the knight before grumbling to himself.

"OH, OH, I SEE," the knight said as the rest of the group passed him by without a second thought. "RUNNING AWAY, EH? YOU YELLOW BASTARDS! COME BACK HERE AND TAKE WHAT'S COMING TO YOU! I'LL BITE YOUR BLOODY TOES OFF!"

The group ignored the knight as they followed Ike and resumed their journey, determined to put the whole episode as far behind them as possible. Moments later, the knight was no longer alone, as from the opposite direction a newcomer walked by him, stopping for a moment to take a look at the unusual sight before them. The newcomer in question? The actual Black Knight (secretly, *spoiler alert* General Zelgius of Begnion) Ike bore a grudge against, he with the more elaborately-designed, mystical suit of ebon armor, and the legendary sword Alondite at his hip. The Daein general took one look at the limbless knight, sighed, and shook his head before he resumed his own journey.

"I really need to do something about my title being franchised out..." he said to himself.

**Author's Note(s)**

Inspired partly by FightingThunder720's 'Against The Other Black Knight'.

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Vignette 12 - The Josephus Gambit

 

On one particularly unassuming day, Kiran and Anna, along with their squad of Heroes, were making their escape from a troop of Emblian soldiers. This wasn't an ordinary troop, however, since it was the fearsome Curse Directive, led by one of the Kingdom of Embla's fiercest generals in Letizia, cousin to Veronica and Bruno. The verdant-clad Letizia herself, presently on her trusty steed, stood atop a hill overlooking the proceedings as she observed her troops chasing after the contingent of the Order of Heroes. Her brows furrowed as she saw one of their number conjure up a smokescreen to put some distance between them.

 

"Keep after them!" she ordered in a shout directed towards her troops. "You're gaining on them, don't let up!"

 

Meanwhile, the Heroes, having managed to lose their pursuers for the moment, hid in a wooded area to give themselves time to come up with a plan to deal with said pursuers. Aside from the aforementioned Kiran and Anna, the squad consisted of Realm-I's Julian and Lena; Realm-II's Seliph and his sister, Julia; Realm-III's Sue; Realm-VI's Kagero (who threw up the smokescreen in the first place); and three Garreg Mach students from Realm-X, namely Ashe and Dedue of the Blue Lion house and Bernadetta of the Black Eagle house. Bernadetta, being known as a particularly jumpy and fearful sort of girl, wasn't exactly taking the situation well.

 

"Anybody have plan?!?" she asked in her trademark panic-filled voice.

 

"Still working on it!" Anna answered. "Though we're open to suggestions!"

 

The others soon threw out possible ideas, as Bernadetta found herself conversing with Ashe and Dedue, who despite their different houses shared a few things in common--mainly that they were frequent visitors to Garreg Mach's greenhouse, tending to whatever plants were in there with great expertise and care. It was at that moment that Ashe looked off in a certain direction.

 

"Hey, Bernie--see that over there?" he asked, pointing towards where he was looking.

 

Bernadetta followed his direction, squinted a bit, and soon saw what he'd been pointing towards. "No way--you don't think it's...?"

 

Soon the two of them, followed by Dedue, sped off towards a patch of plants in a small clearing. "Only one way to tell," Ashe hinted at before looking to his taller fellow Blue Lion. "Dedue, your nose knows best--is it...?"

 

Dedue took one of the plants in-hand (without uprooting it) and sniffed the leaves on it. "*Woof!*" he said with a mild wince. "This is the genuine article, all right."

 

Ashe's face brightened up at hearing this. "Then this means we might just have a way to keep them off our tail!"

 

The trio's fellow Heroes took notice of where'd they run off to and followed them over. "What do you guys think you're doing?" Kiran asked.

 

"Just in case you haven't noticed, this isn't exactly the time for picking flowers," Anna said.

 

"We aren't 'picking flowers'," Ashe said in turn. "We just found a perfect deterrent for the Emblians chasing us."

 

The other Heroes looked at the three Garreg Mach students, dumbfounded expressions on their faces.

 

"Um...exactly how are plants going to help us?" Julian asked.

 

"These aren't just ordinary plants," Bernadetta began to explain. "We just confirmed, this is a very uncommon species that grows in specific climates."

 

"Most commoners refer to it by another name," Dedue added. "I believe it was 'wacky weed'. When the leaves or buds of this plant are burned, the smoke they produce, once inhaled, induces a psycho-reactive effect that leaves a person utterly confused and prone to exhibiting varying forms of silly behavior. (It also temporarily increases one's appetite and causes a bit of short-term memory loss.)"

 

"And with the amount here in this clump," Ashe enthusiastically began to say, "we've got enough to pull off the legendary 'Josephus Gambit'!"

 

The other Heroes looked to each other, surprised and inquisitive over what they'd been told. "What exactly is this 'Josephus Gambit'?" Julia asked.

 

The still-enthusiastic Ashe, having devoured all manner of heroic tales both fictitious and non- for as long as he could remember, was all too eager to elaborate. "I read about it in a book I found in Castle Askr's library--in ancient times, a man by the name of Josephus was nearly forced into slavery, but with the help of a few friends, he was able to escape his captors and threw them off the trail using a technique that involved this plant."

 

"What technique?" Seliph asked.

 

"We'll show you," Bernadetta replied. "First, we need a long piece of paper."

 

Kagero quickly produced a roll from somewhere on her person. "Will this work?"

 

"Perfect!" Ashe said as he eagerly took the roll from her and began to unfurl it, while Dedue and Bernadetta quickly began plucking leaves and buds off the plants.

 

"Um...why do you have such a roll of paper like that?" Lena asked.

 

"It is how I store all my weapons," Kagero answered.

 

"Oh yeah--like in Naruto," Kiran said, only to find Kagero's hand swiftly covering his mouth, much to his surprise.

 

"*SHHHHH*" Kagero shushed with a free finger to her lips as she glared at the Summoner. "Do you want to get sued?!"

 

Unaware of this, Dedue and Bernadetta dumped their pickings onto the paper, and once done, Ashe rolled it closed, he and Dedue licking the edge of it to seal the tube up.

 

"All right, now we need to light it," Ashe said before looking to Julian. "Quick, hand me your flint!"

 

While the thief did so, Anna and Sue's ears perked at the sounds of galloping and footsteps in the distance. "Whatever you guys have planned, you'd better hurry!" Anna warned.

 

Dedue held the large tube as Ashe quickly struck Julian's flint together, which soon produced sparks that hit the outward end and began to burn it. "Not to worry, we're now armed thanks to our mighty joint effort!" Ashe declared as the group made their way out of the wooded area towards the direction of the approaching Emblians. Dedue held the smoking tube out towards them, while Bernadetta, holding a paper fan provided by Kagero, stood next to him. "All right Bernie," Ashe began to instruct. "Take a good look ahead--Embla's forces are coming right towards us. Take all that nervous energy you're known for, and fan! Fan like the wind!"

 

Bernadetta, upon seeing the rapidly-approaching Emblians, grew wide-eyed with fear and immediately panicked. "*EEEEEEEEEE!*" she shrieked before she began fervently fanning the smoke from the tube towards the soldiers.

 

"Julia, we'll need you to back Bernie up using some wind magic," Ashe said to the lavender-haired mage. "Can you do that?"

 

Julia nodded and took out a basic wind tome, which she opened and soon began to chant a spell that bolstered the gust being produced by Bernadetta's fanning.

 

At the head of the approaching Emblians, the troop leader shouted "Hurry, everyone! They're right where we want them!" The closer they got to the Heroes, however, the more they inhaled the smoke being directed at them. And the more they inhaled, the more they began to feel its particular...effects..."We've got to...got to...keep...movin'..." the troop leader said, his speech slowing with each minute as he and those under his command slowed in movement as well.

 

The Heroes that weren't the Garreg Mach trio watched, stunned and near-speechless. "It's working..." Lena marveled.

 

"It's working!" Ashe cheered.

 

Back with the Emblians, they were now truly, fully feeling the effects of the smoke. "We gotta stay loose, y'know?" the troop leader mused, his thoughts hazy. "Let it cool...let the coolness soak into our vertebrae..."

 

Sensing the opportunity, Anna immediately gave the order to fully retreat. "Now's our chance! Let's get while the getting's good!" With that, the Heroes immediately began running in the other direction, but not before Dedue left the tube on a mount and Julia cast a lingering breeze to keep the smoke trained on the Emblians. Speaking of, said Emblian troops soon stopped in a field and began staggering about, strange, goofy grins on their faces. "You go northward!" the troop leader ordered one pair before pointing to another, "You go southward! I'm gonna walk around here in a circle..." He soon did just that, while some of the other troops did the same in their own parts of the field.

 

While all that was going on, the Heroes, who again had managed to put more distance between them and their pursuers, breathed sighs of relief as they came upon an Askran checkpoint. As they walked towards it, conversation turned towards congratulating the Garreg Mach students for their ingenuity.

 

"By the way, I'm a bit curious," Lena started to ask, "has that technique been used for non-combative purposes?"

 

Bernadetta nodded quickly before answering. "Oh yeah--personally, I've made an incense with the plants. Really helps me when I'm super-stressed or on the verge of a panic attack."

 

"That explains why your room sometimes has that smell," Ashe noted.

 

"Um...would you please not tell anyone else from our world about it? Especially Mister Seteth?" Bernadetta nervously asked him before looking to the others. "It's...not exactly well-looked-upon, where we come from."

 

Sue, at that moment, chimed in. "Some of my tribe's elders have utilized a similar technique. Usually it is reserved for certain ceremonies."

 

"I believe Petra's people also use it in that manner," Dedue responded to her.

 

Meanwhile, back with the Emblians, the troops were still caught in the haze as they loitered about the field. "I'm gonna stay right here," the troop leader declared as he stepped onto one spot, before lumbering towards another. "Now I'm gonna move here..."

 

At one horse that was presently laying down, two soldiers, both female, rested against its side. "Hey--you care if it falls?" one of them asked.

 

"What?" her comrade replied confusedly.

 

"The Emblian Empire?"

 

"Pff--screw it."

 

The soldier who posed the question then proceeded to giggle, before being joined by her companion.

 

Letizia, who'd been following behind her troops, was perplexed and frustrated by the sight before her. "What the--what are my soldiers doing?! Why did they stop their pursuit?!" She then spurred her horse onward until she caught up with said soldiers and dismounted, storming towards the troop leader.

 

"Oh, hey there, general. What's shakin'?" the troop leader asked with a bit of a slur in his voice.

 

"Why did you stop chasing them?!" Letizia furiously demanded. "What are you even thinking?!" The troop leader nonchalantly shrugged, a goofy grin on still on his face. Letizia soon grabbed the front of his collar and started shaking him. "Have you all taken complete leave of your senses?! Are you purposefully trying to get yourselves stripped of all rank and privileges?! To get yourselves thrown in the dungeons?!? Do you--?!?!" Before she could finish, some of the lingering smoke wafted over her as she inadvertently inhaled it. On doing so, her mood underwent something of a one-eighty, evidenced by the very beatific expression now on her face. "--Do you, like, wanna dance, man?" she asked, all fury gone from her voice. The troop leader airily nodded 'yes'. "Then let us GROOVETH!" she cried. A medieval-sounding version of Iron Butterfly's "Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida" then began to play in the background while Letizia and her soldiers soon fell into step, becoming enraptured by the beat, completely forgetting their mission in the process. For Emblian history, it would forever be regarded as a day of utter infamy.

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Vignette 13 - 'Ni'-Jerk Reactions

Continuing, yet again, a plot thread from Vignette 6, we at last turn to the group of Heroes being led by Commander Anna. Said Heroes were a somewhat-eclectic mix, consisting of Realm-I's Barst, former woodcutter-turned-axefighter; Prince Chrom and the tactitian Robin of Realm-I's future (the latter having taken a detour at the moment to gather intelligence for the group); the healing princess Lachesis of Realm-II; Realm-IV's Colm and Neimi, swift thief and crybaby archer [Neimi (glaring in our direction): "Hey!"], respectively; Realm-XI's Alfred, the crown prince of Firene; and Dagr, the axe-wielding younger princess of  Jötunheimr (with an armored falcon for a pet). Anna and Dagr, in particular, were chatting at the head of the march while the group made their way through a dense forest, a slight fog hovering about as they went.

 

"So I says to Mabel, I says--" Dagr was saying before her falcon perked up at something, which she took immediate notice of. "Hmm?" On listening carefully, she soon had a sense of what got her bird active as she slightly raised her axe. "Hey, Commander--you ever get the feeling you're being watched?"

 

Anna, looking about, nodded as she held up her own weapon, an act mirrored by some of the others in the group while spooky music began playing in the background. They soon could make out a bit of movement in the mist, Colm gripping his dagger tightly while Neimi fretted about as she kept an arrow notched. Brief instances of chuckling could be heard, putting the party of Heroes on guard even further. The music continued to build, the suspense increasing, until finally, our heroes halted their advance at the sound of--

 

"Ni! Ni, ni, ni, ni!"

 

The group jumped a bit with a start as they found themselves face-to-face with the one who said that word. He was a 12-foot-tall warrior, clad in light armor covered by a set of earthen-hued robes; on his head was a great helm decorated with long antlers, with the opening in the front showing part of his bearded face. The group soon discovered they were surrounded by what appeared to be his followers, dressed similarly to their leader, only shorter and wearing visored sallet helmets decorated with cow horns. Just as he uttered the strange words that surprised the Heroes, his followers did the same.

 

Chrom, the first to recover from the surprise, held his sword at the ready. "Identify yourselves!" he commanded.

 

"We are the Knights Who Say...'Ni'!" the giant of a man replied, his subordinates echoing his 'Ni!' themselves.

 

On hearing this, the Heroes dropped their apprehension as dumbfounded expressions adorned their faces.

 

"...The Knights...Who Say 'Ni'," a confused Anna repeated.

 

"The same!" the head Knight answered, unaware of her unfamiliarity with them.

 

After a bit of an awkward beat, Lachesis was the first to speak up. "....And what you do is...?"

 

"We are the keepers of the sacred words," the head Knight began to explain. "'Ni'! 'Peng!' And 'Neee-wumb!'"

 

"'Neee-wumb!'" his subordinates repeated.

 

Colm blinked a couple of times, before giving himself a slight slap upside the head. "Oooooh, now I remember!"

 

"Hm?" Neimi asked confusedly.

 

Colm turned to his childhood friend. "You know when we were chatting up that farmer couple back in the town we stayed in earlier?"

 

Realization hit the archer right then. "Oh, yeah!" she said with a snap of her fingers. "They told us all about these guys."

 

"What'd they say?" Alfred asked.

 

"We thought they were nuts when they warned us about these 'Knights Who Say 'Ni'," Colm answered. "Said that those who hear their 'sacred words' seldom live to tell the tale."

 

Chrom and Dagr kept their focus on the head Knight. "What do you want with us?" the prince of Ylisse firmly asked.

 

"The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice," the head Knight stated.

 

In response, Anna made an attempt to talk their way out of this. "Uh, look, Sir Knight, we're just a group of mere travelers. We don't want any trouble, really, so if you could just--"

 

"Ni!" the head Knight swiftly and loudly said, his followers echoing his actions and causing the Heroes to cover their ears.

 

"OW! Naga's knickers, that's irritating!" Chrom said with a wince.

 

-X-

 

At that moment, somewhere in Castle Askr, Naga herself sneezed all of a sudden.

 

"Bless you," Fjorm said.

 

"Thank you," the chief divine dragon of Realm-I replied. "Hm. A bit strange, having that said to me for once. Usually it's the other way around..."

 

-X-

 

The head Knight then signaled his men to cease their 'Ni'-ing. "We shall say 'Ni' again to you, if you do not appease us," he firmly said as he folded his arms.

 

"Oh-kaaaay...What is it you want, then?" Anna asked. "Besides being commander of the Order of Heroes, I'm also a merchant. I can get--"

 

"We want..." the head Knight interrupted her. After a brief dramatic pause, he said, "A shrubbery!"

 

The Heroes grew surprised (thanks in part to the dramatic chord that played at that moment), only to become swiftly befuddled at the head Knight's strange request.

 

"You want a what?" Dagr flatly said.

 

The head Knight and his men proceeded to loudly say 'Ni' again, causing the Heroes to cover their ears again.

 

"All right, all right! Cut it out already, we'll get you a shrubbery!" Anna said placatingly.

 

"You must return here with a shrubbery..." the head Knight began to warn them, "or else you will never pass through this wood...alive."

 

"We understand," Anna said as she nodded her head. "We'll come back with a shrubbery."

 

"One that looks nice," the head Knight added.

 

"Sure thing," Anna said.

 

"And not too expensive."

 

"Got it."

 

"Uh...question?" Barst said with a slight raise of his hand. "What happens after we bring you the shrubbery?"

 

"We will present you with a test," the head Knight answered him.

 

"...What kind of test?" Alfred asked as he narrowed his eyes with suspicion.

 

"Firstly, you will be tasked with finding...another shrubbery!" the head Knight answered, a dramatic chord sounding in the wake of his words.

 

The Heroes were nearly speechless at hearing this. "Another shrubbery?!" Lachesis exasperatedly asked. "Why didn't you just say to get two--"

 

"Ni!" sounded a knight right in her ear, causing her to recoil.

 

"Then," the head Knight continued, "when you have found the second shrubbery, you will place it beside the first one you acquire, only slightly higher to get a two-level effect, with a little path running down the middle."

 

"A path!" his subordinates shouted. "A path! A path! Ni! Shh! Knights Who Say Ni! Ni! Shh! Shh!..."

 

"And then," the head Knight continued further, "when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest..."

 

"Hah! Too easy!" Barst boastfully said as he hefted his axe. "For a pro woodcutter like me, that's nothing!"

 

"Wiiiith..." the head Knight continued, ignoring Barst's bragging, "....a herring!" As soon as the words left his lips, the head Knight held up the small fish in question as his men all said 'Ni!', all to another dramatic chord.

 

Seeing this made Barst (as well as the rest of his comrades) go slack-jawed and wide-eyed with disbelief. "You're not serious!" he said. "Nobody can cut a tree down with a fish, it's impossible!"

 

Suddenly, the knights jumped with a start and covered their ears. "Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!"

 

"Augh!" the head Knight cried out. "Ohh! Don't say that word!"

 

Seeing this reaction further confused the Heroes. "What word?" Chrom asked.

 

"I cannot tell!" the head Knight answered. "Suffice to say, this is one of the words the Knights Who Say 'Ni' cannot hear!"

 

The confusion among the Heroes only increased on hearing this. "But...well, how can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?" Neimi asked.

 

"Aaaaugh!" the knights cried out as they covered their ears.

 

"She said it!" the head Knight shouted fearfully.

 

"Said what? 'Is?'" Colm asked.

 

"Agh! No, not 'is'!" the knights replied.

 

"Indeed, not 'is'!" the head Knight added. "You wouldn't get very far in life not saying 'is'."

 

"No not 'is', not 'is'," his men affirmed.

 

It was then that Chrom noticed an approaching figure. "Hey, Robin's back!"

 

Sure enough, Chrom's good friend and chief tactician of the Shepherds was approaching them. The others soon noticed, much to their heightened confusion, that he looked very, very annoyed, and the probable reason for such was trailing behind him: a green-garbed minstrel troupe, playing as they followed him.

 

Troupe lead singer:

...He is packing it in and packing it up,

And sneaking away and buggering up,

 And chickening out and pissing off home, 

Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge...

 

"Uh, Robin?" Anna began to ask. "Where'd you pick those guys up?"

 

"*Sigh* I ran into the knight they were following by accident," Robin wearily explained. "When we dusted ourselves off and parted ways, the troupe started following me. (And driving me nuts ever since.)"

 

Troupe lead singer:

...He is sneaking away and buggering up...

 

"ENOUGH ALREADY!" Robin yelled with frustration as he faced the troupe, causing them to cease their playing. "I keep telling you, you've got the wrong Robin!" He then briefly threw his hands in the air in exasperation. "*UGH* And that song does nothing for morale! It wasn't helpful at all the first twenty-five times you sang it!"

 

"Now he's said the word, twice!" the head Knight cried out in a slight panic.

 

"Aaaugh!" his men cried at the same time.

 

It was at that moment where Anna finally put two and two together, and quickly got to work as she approached the troupe. "Gentlemen, it looks like you've gotten a bit turned around," she said with much emphasis on the letters 'i' and 't'.

 

"Aaaaugh!" the Knights Who Say 'Ni' cried out.

 

"There's the word again!" the head Knight added.

 

"It might do you some good to head towards the village just back that way," Anna suggested to the troupe as she pointed in that direction. "And it might bring smiles to the townspeople if you played for them, don't you think?"

 

"Aaaaugh!" the head Knight cried, as did his men. "Stop saying the word! The word...!"

 

"You could even say it would be most mutually beneficial," Anna said persuasively, a knowing grin on her face as she briefly eyed the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.

 

"...We cannot hear!" the head Knight bemoaned. "Ow! She said it again!"

 

"RUN!" Anna shouted to the other Heroes, which soon spurred them to make a break for it going one way while the minstrel troupe sped off in the other direction towards the village she pointed them to.

 

"Wait!" the head knight cried as he realized something. "I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three 'it's'! Ohh!"

 

As fast as their legs (or in Alfred's case, his horse's legs) could carry them, the group of Heroes worked to put as great a distance between them and the Knights Who Say 'Ni' as possible, before finally, once they determined that they wouldn't be seeing that band of weirdoes any time soon, continuing their journey at a more relaxed pace. Anna, at one point, then made a note to herself to add shrubberies to her inventory, sensing a new, promising niche when it came to those doing their traveling through these parts. She could see the gold rolling in already...

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 14 - Too Much Monk-y Business

*And now, another minor additional crossover with...Galavant.*

It was the end of a long day for members of the Order of Heroes as a small group of them led by Kiran and Sharena trekked their way back towards Askr Castle. The sky was growing grayer, indicating a rainstorm was in the cards. All the while, the Heroes were a bit worn out from the mission they'd been on that day. Said Heroes included Realm-I's Astram, wielder of the blade Mercurius, and Lukas, the scholarly lancer; Realm-II's Finn, horse-riding mentor to Lief; Realm-III's Rath, stoic nomad; Realm-V's Shinon, the surliest of snipers; Realm-VI's Elise, the youngest princess of Nohr; and Realm-X's Dorothea and Annette, students of Garreg Mach Officer's Academy from, respectively, the Black Eagle and Blue Lion houses. Presently, their trek was complicated by one small nitpick...

 

"Goddess, I hope we find some place to spend the night soon," Annette said while holding her nose. 

 

"Ditto on that," Dorothea added. "No offense, guys, but you really do stink!"

 

Shinon, Astram, and Lukas, in the course of the previous engagement with Emblian forces, had at one point evaded enemy archers by ducking into an abandoned building...which turned out to be a former series of horse stables...which hadn't been cleaned out for quite some time. The others gave the three of them a wide berth, and while Astram and Lukas bore it with dignity, Shinon was clearly not happy with their status. "Well, that's what I get for trying to stay alive in a battle. Occasionally, ya get down and dirty--sometimes literally. Don't come cryin' to me when you find yourself in the muck one day."

 

It was then that Finn drew the party's attention. "I see a building up ahead. Looks like an abbey."

 

"Definitely looks it," Elise noted. "I mean the spire with the angelic figure on the tip seems like a giveaway."

 

"Hopefully, the monks living there can put us up for the time being," Kiran said as they reached the abbey's entrance. Sharena rapped the large knocker on one of the doors, and soon both opened up. What greeted the party of Heroes certainly took them by surprise...

 

Monk 1: 

Bum ba-dum, bum bum...

 

Head Monk:

Welcome to our abbey,

The best in the domain:

The Order of Our Father

Of Perpetual Refrain

And we're the monks--

 

All Monks:

Hey, hey, we're the monks!

 

(Hey, hey, we're the monks...)

 

The Heroes all sported slight dumbfounded looks as they took in the sight of a quintet of monks greeting them in song, in perfect harmony no less, though Shinon's look was more pronounced.

 

"Backstory, please?" he quietly asked.

 

It was then a spark of recognition appeared on Sharena's face. "Ah, now I get it! I heard about them back at the castle a while ago." When the others eyed her, she elaborated further. "They're an order of monks who, compared to those who take vows of silence or chastity (or both), have taken a vow of singing!"

 

"Really?" Elise asked before turning her focus back to the monks in question. "Wow...!"

 

Shinon, however, was quite annoyed. "Someone kill me now," he said while giving himself a facepalm. "Or at least shatter my eardrums..."

 

Dorothea and Annette, the two most musically-inclined of the Garreg Mach students in the Order of Heroes (with the former having previously been part of the renowned Mittlefrank Opera Company), found themselves quite impressed. "I've never heard singing done like this before," Annette commented.

 

"It's like choral singing, but it's got more...verve, I think?" Dorothea concurred, in awe of the vocal innovation in full display.

 

"In my world, it's a style called a cappella," Kiran informed her. "It's pretty popular in a lot of academic settings."

 

The party was led inside the abbey as the monks continued, just when it started pouring rain outside that very moment.

 

Head Monk:

Come in if you are weary.

There's food if you would dine.

Plus thirty one varieties of sacramental wine.

And we're the monks--

 

All Monks:

Hey, hey, we're the monks!

 

Hmm hmm hmm

 

Monk 1:

Bum ba-dum, bum bum

 

Monk 2:

I'm the smart one!

 

(Monks: Ahh, Hallelu!)

 

Monk 3:

I'm the cute one!

 

(Monks: Boop-see-doo!)

 

Monk 4:

I'm the shy one!

 

(Monks: Peek-a-boo!)

 

Monk 1: 

And I'm the bad boy,

But not so bad

'Cause I'm a monk...

 

All Monks: 

Bless you, children--

Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo...

(Monk 1: Dip-dip-dip-de-doo)

Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo...

 

Sharena took the opportunity to explain their needs to the monks. "Kind sirs, we would appreciate your generous offer of food and drink, along with shelter for the night, water for our three horses...and hot baths for these three." She pointed with a mild wince at Shinon, Astram, and Lukas, who all nodded fervently in affirmation. They really didn't want to go to bed smelling like aged horse manure.

 

Head Monk:

We'll fetch the holy water,

And holy soap as well--

[Points to Shinon, much to his chagrin.]

'Cause holy guacamole, that one reeks to holy hell!

And we're the monks--

 

All Monks:

Hey, hey, we're the monks!

 

Monk 1:

We're the moooonnnks...

 

Head Monk:

Hey, hey, we're the

Finger-popping,

Never-stopping,

Humble with a--

 

All Monks:

Cherry-topping monks!

 

Monk 3:

Ooh-we-ah-ah-aaaah...!

 

All Monks:

Jazz haaaaannnds...Yeah!

 

Dorothea and Annette looked to one another, conspiratorial smiles on their faces. "Annie, you thinking what I'm thinking?" the brunette Black Eagle student asked.

 

Annette nodded eagerly, already grasping what Dorothea was intending to do. While the others were getting settled in (with the stink-riddled trio being led to the abbey's bath house), Dorothea and Annette walked up to the head monk.

 

"Pardon me, but we'd like to know more about your singing style," Dorothea said. "And just to be clear, my friend and I are quite fine with you telling us in song..."

 

Castle Askr, one week later...

 

In the music room of Castle Askr, Dorothea brought the assembled group to order as they readied themselves for the last leg of their rehearsal for the day. In addition to herself and Annette, they'd brought together Realm-V's Micaiah, her sister Sanaki (empress of Begnion), and Leanne (princess of the Heron Tribe), along with Realm-VI's Azura.

 

"All right, girls, like we've been practicing--from the top!" she commanded. "And a one, and a two, and a three--"

 

Azura:

Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum

[Joined by Leanne.]

Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum

 

All:

Mister Sandman, bring me a dream...

[Azura: Bum-bum-bum-bum]

Make him the cutest, that I've ever seen!

[Dorothea: Bum-bum-bum-bum]

Give him two lips, like roses and clover--

[Annette: Bum-bum-bum-bum]

Then tell him that his lonesome nights-are-over!...

 

Those who passed by the music room listened and marveled at the fruits of what Dorothea and Annette's little organized effort had borne. Hearing this reminded Kiran to lock his phone (the one bit of modern tech from his world brought with him), despite being impressed by the group. Shinon, on the other hand...plugged his ears each time he had to pass by the door.

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 15 - (What a) Way to Ruin the Moment...

The place: Múspell, the Kingdom of Flames, in stark contrast to its neighbor Nifl, the Kingdom of Ice. The time: some months following the fall of its king, the tyrannical and ruthless Surtr, thanks to the efforts of the Askran Order of Heroes and their allies in Nifl's royal family. Surtr's fall was also enabled, unexpectedly, by his own daughters, the princesses Laegjarn and Laevatein. In the days since then, the siblings have worked to better relations between Múspell and the neighboring lands, to make up for the terror and destruction Surtr unleashed in his drive for conquest.

Right now, though, the two have taken a respite from their duties to enjoy some time along the coast at one of Múspell's few beaches. The blue sky alone was already a pleasant change of pace.

"Gods, I needed this!" Laevatein said as she laid a blanket down under the large umbrella Laegjarn had set up.

"You said it,", Laegjarn concurred before taking a sip from her tropical drink. As queen of Múspell, a lot came under her purview, but it had taken some convincing from her sister to finally take some time off for herself, leaving the day-to-day tasks of governance to her most trusted advisors. (Said advisors having been carefully vetted, of course.) "Bright, warm sun, a pleasant ocean breeze...and the freshest fish ever caught. It's just about perfect." She took a moment to pet her wyvern, who was resting beside the two, before feeding her an example of such fresh fish.

"At the risk of jinxing things, I daresay that nothing could possibly ruin this," Laevatein stated as she looked out on the water.

As soon as the words left her lips, the two noticed a glint in the sky out of the corner of their eyes...which soon turned out to be a large couple of objects hurtling down at an angle towards another part of the shoreline; even stranger, there appeared to be human screaming emanating from the larger of the two. The stunned princesses followed the trajectory of the objects, until they finally saw them crash about a mile and a half away from their location, which briefly shook the ground in their wake.

"What in the world-?!" Laegjarn uttered before she and Laevatein went for their weapons and got on the back of the former's wyvern. They soon flew towards the site of the crash, descending a good distance away just to be on the safe side. What they saw before them left the princesses utterly astonished:

One of the objects looked to be a large hand, holding part of a handle that had broken off, from the looks of it. The other object was a giant head, with feminine features and a headpiece that brought a certain occupation to mind. Both objects appeared to have come from, in the princess's view, an enormous statue; unlike the statues they'd seen at one point or another, however...these were made of metal.

"Is-is that supposed to be a...a chambermaid?" the befuddled Laevatein wondered.

"I'm...not entirely sure," her older sister replied, before something happening with one of the objects got her attention. "Hand me the spyglass," she said as she motioned for same.

"What is it?" Laevatein asked as she handed the object in question to Laegjarn.

"I thought I saw something come out of the 'nose'," Laegjarn answered as she extended the spyglass. Through the lens, she saw that a hastily-made 'rope ladder' had been lowered through the left nostril of the nose, and soon saw three men climb down out of it. The one on the bottom wore a stark gray military uniform of some kind, one unlike any she had seen before; the one in the middle of the trio was short and wore an all-black outfit with a cape and a comically-large helmet; and the one at the top wore a somewhat-dapper-looking suit, and gave off the demeanor of some sleazy politician.

("Hey, hey, watch my helmet!" the short man said as the suited man almost stepped on said helmet.)

A shocked and dumbfounded look appeared on Laegjarn's face, and she handed the spyglass to Laevatein, nonverbally telling her to look. The younger princess did so, and soon mirrored her older sister's expression on seeing the trio. Their oracles had warned them of something like this happening, but the odds were almost hilariously low enough that they paid them no heed. Now they were starting wish they'd done so.

"Spaceballs?!" Laevatein uttered.

"Oh, $#!+-there goes the kingdom..." Laegjarn said with a facepalm and a shake of her head.

 

**Author's Note(s)**

Not to worry--this will be followed up on later on...

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 16 - Three-On-Three-Headed

*And now, a tale of the Whitewing sisters...*

 

On one mild day, three Pegasus knights rode ahead of the squad of Heroes they were a part of to do some reconnaissance for the mission they were on. These Pegasus knights were the trio from Realm-I collectively known as the Whitewings, three sisters considered some of the best fliers of the kingdom of Macedon, acting as the chief vassals for one of its crown princesses, the 'Red Dragoon' herself, Minerva. The eldest of the trio was verdant-haired, mild-mannered, down-to-earth [so many hyphens!] Palla, who for much of their lives raised her sisters following their mother's passing; despite her maturity, she occasionally displayed a stubborn side. The middle of the sisters was Catria, she of the head of blue, cool and serious disposition, and acting as the general arbiter between her two sisters, oftentimes keeping to herself on the assumption that either sister would get the word in before she could. Lastly, there was the pink-headed youngest Whitewing, Est [Est (looking our way briefly): "Short for Esther!"], with many an adjective that fittingly described her: pure, innocent, cheerful, chatty, and straightforward. Presently, Est was doing a rather odd thing as she rode her Pegasus, its legs miming a trotting motion while she provided the sound with a pair of--

 

"Est, will you PLEASE give it a rest with the coconut halves already?!" Catria mildly shouted behind herself. "I'm starting to get a headache!"

 

Est, startled by her sister's words, nearly dropped the coconut halves in question before swiftly catching them. "*Whew!* Sorry, sis--I wanted to get some practice in for the stage play some of us are putting on in Castle Askr's central courtyard next week."

 

"I've been meaning to ask," Palla started to say, "but where did you get the coconut in the first place? I mean, those are tropical."

 

"What do you mean?" Est asked.

 

"We're in a temperate zone, so what's a coconut doing here in the first place?" Palla asked in turn.

 

"Simple," Est began to explain, "a bird--say, a swallow--flies south with the sun, seeking warmer climates."

 

"And how do the coconuts come in?" Catria posed.

 

"The birds wind up carrying seedlings through various means, and they eventually drop while in mid-flight," Est's expression grew more confident as she continued. "Which bypasses any questions one might have about weight ratios or air velocity, since they're not actually carrying a grown coconut!"

 

A beat passed between the sisters, before Est sheepishly confessed, "*Sigh* Norne brought back one for me from that beach trip some of the others took last month."

 

"On a different note, I've noticed you and Abel talking with a number of other Heroes lately," Palla said, shifting topics. Of the three, Est was the first to get married, having wed the Altean knight Abel following the end of the War of Shadows, with the two planning to open a shop after retiring from active duty.

 

"Oh yeah, we've been consulting some of the others for advice on the shop," Est elaborated. "They've all been pretty insightful, too! Merlinus helped us outline a business plan, Gray's working with us on dealing with traders and suppliers..."

 

Eventually, the three of them landed and walked their mounts through a small wooded area to a creek where they could get a drink of water. While the sisters took a drink from their own water skins, Catria noticed, out of the corner of her eye, a signpost a short distance away next to a path running through the trees.

 

"Not exactly inviting, is it?" she sardonically mused while pointing to the signpost. Palla and Est looked up and soon saw it as well, surprised by what it said. While the three wooden plaques on the left side all said "Camelot - 43 miles", the three on the right side all said "Certain Death - 1 mile". "And it gets only better from there," Catria further pointed out with a mild hint of sarcasm at another signpost a few feet further from the first one, whose three plaques all said the same thing: "Beware!!!". There were at least a few more like that with various warnings the more the sisters looked towards the path.

 

"Y-You think there's dirty work afoot?" Est asked, a worried tone in her voice.

 

Before either of her older sisters could answer, the two heard a couple of people walk by, and saw Dennis and his mother [from all the way back in Vignette 6] carrying sacks full of whatever it was they were collecting.

 

"Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom!" Dennis claimed.

 

"Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom," his mother chided. "Don't drop that mud..."

 

The sisters, doing a mild double-take from the two peasants to each other, shrugged. Suddenly, movement caught Palla's eye from the direction of the foreboding path, and she got up and grabbed her lance, her sisters doing the same as they followed her lead. The three of them moved towards the middle of the path, past the "Beware!!!" signpost. The trio flinched a little on seeing a trio of armor-and-tunic-clad skeletons pinned to a tree with an enormous jousting lance, the music in the background growing more suspenseful by the second, until finally...

 

"Hold iiitttt..."

 

"Hold iiitttt..."

 

"Hold iiitttt..."

 

"HALT! Who goes there?"

 

The sisters were startled as they came face-to-face with the one--er, ones--who said those words, their saying it simultaneously giving it an added echo. Palla, Catria, and Est's eyes widened on finding themselves confronting a giant of a man wearing chainmail and a white-and-goldenrod, diagonally-striped tunic. On the upper chest of the tunic, within one of the white stripes, were three black identical emblems shaped like a hand, with one open flat, one holding up two fingers, and one curled into a fist. A large brown belt was around the man's waist, and held in his left hand was a sword. What stood out to the sisters though was the fact that this man who towered over them greatly...had three heads. The head on the left was balding with unkempt curly red hair, the one in the middle had a black bowl-cut, and the one on the right was completely bald.

 

Regaining the courage to reply, Palla answered the three-headed warrior. "Um...just three girls taking a break from riding."

 

"Whaddya want?" the three heads asked.

 

The sisters looked to each other briefly, before Palla again answered the warrior. "N-nothing, really, as soon as we collect our mounts, we'll just be on our way, if you don't mind us passing through..."

 

"Don't bet on it!" the three-headed warrior said in turn.

 

Est attempted to show some courage in the face of this unexpected obstacle. "P-p-please let us pass! We're members of the Order of Heroes, we won't be stopped by the likes of you!"

 

The middle head with the bowl-cut took note of Est's words. "You're with the Order of Heroes?" he asked. Est nervously nodded 'yes'. "In that case, we've gotta take you in. There's a reward out for any Hero we manage to get."

 

"Oh, boy!" the right head with the curly red hair said eagerly. "And three means three times the reward! Let's bag 'em!"

 

"Hey!" the left head shouted. "I wanna bag 'em!"

 

"Knock it off, ya chowderhead!" the middle head scolded as he slapped the right head with their right hand. "I'm the brains of this outfit, if anyone's gonna bag 'em, it's me!"

 

"*Oof!* Oh, a wiseguy, eh?" the left head said before he held their left hand flat in front of the middle head's eyes. Said eyes then followed the hand as the right head moved it back-and-forth and up-and-down, before holding it up for a minute and then bringing it down to whack the middle head's nose with a *HONK!* "Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!"

 

"Hahahaha!" the right head laughed mirthfully.

 

"What're you laughin' at, porkypine?" the middle head said before using their right hand to tear some of the left head's hair off.

 

"Owowowowwowow!" the right head yelped in pain.

 

What followed in front of the dumbfounded and confused Whitewings' eyes were a series of further slaps, eye pokes, and head-poundings--a one-man show of utter slapstick. The trio looked to one another, contemplating their next move.

 

"What do we do?" Est asked in whisper, briefly eyeing the three-headed giant squabbling with himself (themselves?).

 

Catria, at that point, decided to take charge for once. "We're the Whitewings. We're the best to come out of Macedon," she stoically said. "There's only one thing we can do." She then motioned in the direction back the way they came. "Turn around, carefully walk away, mount our Pegasi, and fly the hell away from here." Palla and Est nodded in agreement, and soon the three of them carefully took a few steps back, turned around, walked in long strides away from the three-headed giant, and in no time at all, made it back to their Pegasi.

 

While this was happening, the three-headed giant finally stopped fooling around for the middle head to get some order back. "All right, all right, clam up, both o' youse!" He then looked at the right head. "You, get the sword out!"

 

"But they had lances," the left head said.

 

"Fine then," the middle head said before facing the left head. "You get the axe out!"

 

Right as the left head removed the axe from the loop on their belt, the right head noticed something. "Hey, they're gone!"

 

The middle head became grumpier than before on hearing and seeing this. "Now look what you did! Why I oughta..."

 

Meanwhile, the Whitewings were airborne and heading back towards the rest of their party, still trying to make sense of the strange encounter they all just came from.

 

"All in favor of not mentioning this to anyone at all?" Catria posed flatly.

 

"Aye", both Palla and Est immediately answered.

 

**Author's Note(s)**

The recipe for today's vignette:

-1 'Tale of Sir Robin'

-3 Whitewing sisters

-1 teaspoon of the comedy stylings of Misters Moses and Jerome Horwitz and Louis Feinberg

-1 joke from season four, episode eleven of The Big Bang Theory, "The Justice League Recombination"

Stir until even, pour into a pan, bake for 12-15 minutes, then remove and serve while hot.

Edited May 25, 2023 by Aior0sS@ggitar!us

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 17 - Best Foot Forward

It was the start of the afternoon at the training grounds at Castle Askr, and presently the draconic siblings of Realm-VI known as Corrin (the brother) and Korinna (the sister) were in the middle of honing their weapon skills on a couple of practice dummies. At that moment, a trio of faces, consisting of the mage Merric of Realm-I, the archer Tanya of Realm-II, and swordsman (as well as intern at Fortuna Entertainment) Itsuki Aoi of Realm-VII, passed the twins by when Merric noticed something that made him stop.

"Pardon me, Corrin, Korinna?" Merric called out inquisitively.

The twins stopped their practice swinging as they turned to face Merric and the other two. "Something up, Merric?" Korrina asked.

"I just noticed now, those are some peculiar-looking rings you have on your fingers," he responded, pointing to the objects in question. "Might I inquire as to where you acquired them?"

The twins looked to one another briefly, before holding up their respective hands so that the rings were in a better view. "Sure, it's nothing too special," Corrin replied. "My sister and I received them while we were training with the Rainbow Sage back in our realm."

"Who's the Rainbow Sage?" Itsuki asked.

"An old master of great renown where we're from," Korinna answered. "He's the one who created the twin Yatos my brother and I wield, along with the Raijinto, the Fujin Yumi, the Siegfried, and the Brynhildr you've seen our adoptive siblings use."

"After we passed a series of trials he set up," Corrin further added, "he helped us hone our Dragon Vein abilities before he unsealed the Yatos."

"Dragon Vein-right, the thing where you can dry up rivers or move rock paths on command," Tanya remembered. "That was a fantastic thing to see on that one mission we were on together."

"Still amazes us even now, despite our mastering it," Corrin said.

"Though, admittedly," Korinna hinted with a look of slight embarrassment, "the training wasn't without its hurdles..."

Realm-VII, Notre Sagesse...

Corrin and Korinna were in ready stances as the wizened Rainbow Sage looked them over. After stopping in front of them, he reached into the pouch on his belt and took out two rings of an ancient, unique design, handing one to each of the twins.

"Up till now, your control over Dragon Veins has been mostly used for dealing with the basics," the Rainbow Sage stated. "If you're going to face the dire threat who cannot be named in this world, you'll need to bring your skill with these natural wonders up a notch. This is where my specialized training comes in. If you'll just put the rings on..." At his suggestion, both twins put their respective rings on their ring fingers. "Good. Now, believe it or not, there's a dragon vein right under this very room. Those rings will act as focusing mediums for you to tap into the mana running along it, which you will use..." He then pointed to the large object behind him with his walking stick. "To lift this enormous statue into the air."

Both twins, surprised by what the Rainbow Sage was asking, briefly exchanged slightly skeptical looks before addressing the old man. "Well, all right, we'll give it a try," Korinna said.

"Still, I'm not quite sure how we'll be able to lift a statue that large using these tiny rings," Corrin said as he scratched his head a bit.

"Never underestimate the power of Dragon Veins," the Rainbow Sage exhorted as he walked until he was beside the twins. "Now then, point your rings at the statue, and concentrate!"

The twins again briefly exchanged skeptical looks, before shrugging and holding out their rings towards the statue. Looks of concentration soon graced their faces as they put all their thought and willpower into their ability to tap into the mana of the Dragon Veins. "Concentrate!" the Rainbow Sage repeated as the twins gave off grunts of exertion. Soon, the statue began to lurch upward, until finally it was, to the twins' mutual surprise (muted due to their trying to maintain concentration), floating a few feet off the ground.

"Kids, you're doing it!" the Rainbow Sage cheered. "You're doing it! Ha ha ha!"

"I...I can't believe it," Corrin said, in awe of the feat he and his sister were performing.

"The Dragon Vein-it's really working!" Korinna said excitedly.

"Yes! Yes!" the Rainbow Sage continued enthusiastically.

At that moment, Keaton, a member of the twins' party who led the Wolfskin tribe of Nohrian lycanthropes, walked in unexpectedly. "Hey, guys, your siblings are looking for-" The lupine warrior's train of thought was interrupted when he saw the floating statue next to him, causing him to do a double-take when he noticed the twins pointing their rings at it. "Holy-how are you two doing this?!"

Korinna was snapped out of her reverie when she heard the Wolfskin leader. "Oh, Keaton-did you need something?"

With her focus no longer on the statue, Corrin found himself struggling to keep the statue afloat on his own. "Can't-hold it-much longer-!" Soon, Corrin was forced to let go, causing the statue to drop back to the ground...right on top of Keaton's right foot.

"Whaoooooooooooooo!" Keaton howled with pain. "Whao, whao, whao, ahhhh, who, who, whooo-!" Shocked looks were on the twins' faces, with Korinna's more pronounced.

"OHMYGODOHMYGOD!" Korinna let out, her hands at her mouth.

"SORRYSORRYSORRY-!" Corrin said in a panicky manner.

"Quick, gimme the rings, gimme the rings!" the Rainbow Sage implored urgently. The twins briefly fumbled with their rings before managing to remove them from their fingers and hand them back to the Sage, who then donned them on each hand and pointed at the statue with them. "Upsidasi, upsimasi, upsidaisy...!"

With his chant, the statue was soon up in the air, allowing Keaton (still literally howling with pain) to pull his foot out from underneath. All four sets of eyes widened with shock at how cartoonishly big and flat the foot had become, with the Rainbow Sage wincing in sympathy.

"OHMYGOD, Keaton, we are so, so, so sorry-!" Korinna desperately apologized.

"It was an accident, honest!" an embarrassed Corrin added. "I'm sure Sakura, Elise, Azama, or Felicia will be able to fix it up, good as new!"

Keaton glared at them with a snarl before turning and hobbling his way out of the room, grunting with pain as he left. When the healers of the party subsequently got a good look at their patient, it was then that each knew that they'd really seen everything now.

**Author's Note(s)**

Featuring: Mel Brooks as the Rainbow Sage.

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 18 - A Beastly Spelunking We Will Go

In a far off part of the realm, a group of Heroes led by Kiran and Sharena entered the mouth of a mysterious cave, intent on investigating the rumors of a hidden network of tunnels connecting Askr to Embla. Comprising the group were Prince Xander of Nohr and Prince Ryoma of Hoshido, both from Realm-VI; Maria, healer and youngest princess of Macedon from Realm-I; Miriel, scholarly mage with an impressive vocabulary and 'rapier intellect' from Realm-I's future; and a trio of denizens from Realm-III in the form of the young mage Nino, her distant cousin Canas (a shaman as scholarly as Miriel), and Jaffar, who like Nino was a former member of the assassin group known as the Black Fang. The group ventured carefully into the cave, Miriel using a controlled Fire spell to provide lighting as they entered deeper and deeper. At one point, a strange sound was heard by all that made Maria and Nino especially shudder.

"Wh-what was that?" Nino asked, eyes shifting nervously.

"Th-think there m-m-might be something else in here?" Maria added worriedly.

"In all likelihood, just a minor gust of air being filtered through the cave system echoing against the tunnel walls due to the particular acoustic environment we presently are walking through," Miriel answered in as straightforward fashion as she could.

A beat passed between Nino and Maria as they took in the older mage's words. "S-sure," Nino said, trying to reassure herself, "that works!" Maria nodded in agreement.

"Even if there is someone or something hostile here," Jaffar gravely said as he briefly felt the daggers sheathed in his belt, "I will eliminate it before it can even take another breath."

Nino gave Jaffar a small, appreciative smile. "Thanks, Jaffar," she said. "I know you can."

"The same goes for us," Ryoma chimed in as he briefly touched the hilt of his legendary sword as his hip.

"Indeed," Xander added. "Rest assured, we will protect the lot of you should we encounter danger along this route."

At that moment, Sharena and Kiran took notice of something up ahead of the group. "Hey, guys, over there!" Sharena called out as she pointed towards a wall. The others could soon see what had gotten hers and the Summoner's attention, as there was some writing carved into the surface. "Miriel, Canas, you're the two smartest of us here-any idea what it says? Or at least what language it's in?"

The mage and the shaman stepped forward to examine the writing thoroughly. Canas adjusted his monocle before he spoke. "Ah, it's coming to me now-this is in a language I read about in Castle Askr's library. I believe it was called 'Aramaic'."

"Named in part for one Joseph of Arimathea," Miriel added, having also looked through the same sources as Canas. "While not my usual field of study, the phonetics that make up the language are a rather interesting sequence of-"

"Er, maybe later, Miriel," Kiran said in an effort to keep the mage from going into 'long-winded' mode in her explanation. "Right now, can either of you tell us what it says?"

Miriel adjusted her glasses before she started reading the carved writing aloud. "It says 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail-'"

Xander and Ryoma exchanged a quizzical look on hearing this. "What's a 'Holy Grail'?" Ryoma pondered.

"Remind me to fill you in another time," Kiran answered briefly.

"'-in the Castle of aaarrrrggh'," Miriel finished, only to become confused by what she'd just read. The feeling was mutual among the rest of the party.

"The Castle of what?" Maria asked, scratching her head.

Canas cleaned off his monocle before he read the last line aloud. "Apparently, 'the Castle of aaarrrrggh'."

"Oh-kaaaayyyy...really, what is it?" Sharena asked in a skeptical tone of voice.

"Sounds as if he died while carving it into the rock," Jaffar put forward.

Nino's eyes widened a bit on hearing this as she looked to her friend. "Y-you think so?"

"Not much else to go on, I'm afraid," Canas affirmed. "It says what it says."

"Though, if he were dying," Miriel surmised, "why bother carving 'aarrggh' instead of just vocalizing it?"

"And yet, there it is, literally written in stone," Sharena said.

"Perhaps he was dictating?" Canas offered.

Xander narrowed his eyes at the writing. "Are you sure there isn't anything else written?" he asked skeptically.

Miriel and Canas both shook their heads. "Nothing else," Canas said. "Just 'aaarrrrggh'."

Maria tried vocalizing the word to see how it sounded. "Aaaauugggh."

Sharena followed with her own attempt. "Aarrrggh." Both girls looked to one another and shrugged.

"Do you suppose he meant to say Aaaaarrrgo?" Miriel posed.

"What's that?" Xander asked.

"Something I read about in another text in the castle library," the bespectacled mage replied. "A great ship that carried an ancient band of warriors to a strange island in search of something called the 'Golden Fleece'."

"No, that doesn't sound right..." Ryoma said as he began speculating. "Canas, don't you have a place in your realm called 'Aaaarrrcadia'? Where your comrade Hawkeye is from?"

"Yes, though it's just two 'A's' and one 'r' in the name," Canas answered.

"Right, makes more sense," Ryoma said in turn.

A slight noise suddenly got Maria and Nino's attention as they looked behind the group. What they saw made their eyes grow wide with fright.

"Oooohoohohooo-!" both girls let out fearfully.

"No, no, 'Aaaauugggh'," Xander corrected them, "as if it were coming from the back of the throat, 'Aaauugh'."

"Nonononono-!" Maria said as she fervently shook her head. "'Ooooooooh', as in surprise and alarm!"

"Oh, sort of like a 'aaaah!'," Miriel stated.

"Y-yes, but it's-" Nino started to say, before deciding to just cut it with the shtick and tell everyone to "Just turn around, will you?!"

At that, the rest of the group turned around to see what the girls were looking at, only for them to go wide-eyed with shock (even Jaffar, who was known to be generally fearless) at the sight that greeted them with a brief but loud roar (accompanied by a dramatic chord).

Standing before the party was a large, two-legged, almost reptilian-looking creature with a short tail, sharp talons on each toe, a mouth full of long, sharp teeth, two very big horns on either side of its head, a tuft of spiky hair atop its scalp, weirdly-shaped ears, and most disturbingly, twenty-one eyes that gazed upon the terrified Heroes. This was the source of the noise that Maria and Nino had heard earlier when the group had first entered the cave, a monster known only by the locals as something of myth. In spite of its actual scaly, green skin, this was the so-called legendary Black Beast of-

"AAARRRRGGH!" the whole party cried out simultaneously before swiftly turning and running away from the creature, which began chasing after them through the dark network of caves. Accompanying the pursuit was the sound of the trademark chase scene music from the Scooby-Doo franchise. The Heroes ran into all manner of tunnel openings, the Beast behind them, only for all involved to wind up in another classic Scooby-Doo gag as random individuals in the chase found themselves exiting one tunnel only to wind up in the one opposite it, sometimes the Beast in pursuit, sometimes them pursuing the Beast, sometimes the Beast in the middle of the group-all in all, it was a clear case of everyone chasing each other's tail. Eventually, the group stopped running in circles via the tunnels, reconvened in the center, and resumed running from the monster behind them. After managing to put some distance between themselves and the Beast, a thought suddenly occurred to both Kiran and Sharena.

"WAIT JUST A DARN MINUTE!" Sharena shouted, causing everyone to stop in their tracks. "Why the heck are we running?! We're members of the Order of Heroes, for crying out loud!"

"She's right!" Kiran chimed in. "Ryoma, Xander, you two wield, respectively, the divine weapons Raijinto and Siegfried, for Pete's sake! Jaffar, you were known as the freaking "Angel of Death"! Leonard-" he pointed to film critic Leonard Maltin. "-you know every movie ever made!" A puzzled look soon appeared on Kiran's face over what he'd just said, before he realized what was wrong with this picture. "Oh-kay, hold on, gimme a sec..." He then quietly escorted Leonard Maltin off the set. "Sorry, man, wrong lot-you'll want #33, just take a left outside and you'll be good." The film critic nodded in thanks and soon left, while Kiran returned to his spot on the set. "Where was I? Oh, right-I say we stand and fight this overgrown lizard!"

"YEAH!" the rest of the party said with newfound courage and determination as they turned to face the direction of the approaching monster. Ryoma and Xander drew their swords, already glowing with energy, Jaffar unsheathed and spun his daggers in his hands, Sharena held her spear Fensalir in a ready stance, and Miriel, Nino, and Canas had their tomes at the ready. The moment the Black Beast came roaring towards them...the party screamed in terror and resumed their flight from the creature's presence. As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Kiran, Sharena, and the Heroes seemed hopeless, when suddenly...

-X-

...The animator collapsed atop their desk, utterly exhausted from their efforts, with a *thump* as they sought to catch their breath.

-X-

Before the Heroes' very eyes, the Black Beast stopped in mid-air, and suddenly lost its coloring, until finally, the whole creature vanished into nothingness. The anime peril was no more. The utterly perplexed group could now continue their survey mission, unimpeded. Briefly exchanging a look with one another, the party shared a collective shrug, and resumed their walk through the cave, until finally finding a light at the end of the tunnel.

It was then that Kiran took a moment to address us, the audience, directly:

"Folks, we here stand by the hardworking animators of Japan's anime industry, and would like to say to their overseers...

Give 'em a break already, will ya?"

**Author's Note(s)**

Threw in a gag from my all-time favorite episode of Freakazoid, just to make things more fun.

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 19 - The Summoner's Battalion

 

On an unassuming day, Kiran was walking through Askr's castle town, conversing with a couple of mercenary members of the Order of Heroes: Realm-IV's Gerik and Realm-X's Jeralt, both mercenary troop leaders and both making a small re-supply run. It was while they were conversing that Kiran noticed a rather new sight in the middle of the market square, as there was a stall he hadn't seen before. When Jeralt looked towards where Kiran's gaze was directed, he recognized the kind of stall it was.

 

"Well what do you know? Commander Anna actually took my suggestion," the veteran lancer and horseman commented gruffly.

 

"What suggestion?" Gerik asked.

 

"In my realm, back at the monastery," Jeralt explained, "the marketplace had a battalion guild. Through them, you could hire a squad or replenish the one you have following you for a fee. I figured it might be something worth offering here in Askr, so I brought the idea up with the Commander. From the looks of it, they must've set up shop recently."

 

"Huh. Might be worth giving a try," Kiran said as he walked towards the stall. "I've always wanted to do more on the battlefield, maybe having a battalion handy would help."

 

Once he got to the stall, he didn't see anyone minding it, at first. Once he rang the small bell on the counter, that soon changed as he was greeted by an older, slightly portly man with slicked back hair, a thin mustache, and a wide, toothy grin.

 

"Eeyeeeeessssssss?" the man asked, startling Kiran with his sudden appearance.

 

Oh, great, the Summoner thought to himself sardonically. Even in a multiverse like this, they have 'Frank Nelson-types'. "Er, are you the guildmaster here?"

 

"NO, I just set this up so I'd have a better vantage point while people-watching," the proprietor smarmily replied.

 

Gerik and Jeralt, on seeing this interaction, sweat-dropped.

 

"Not like any guildmaster I've ever met," Gerik noted.

 

"Same here," Jeralt concurred with a nod.

 

"What can I do for you today?" the grinning guildmaster asked Kiran.

 

"Uh, right--I was thinking of hiring a battalion," the Summoner answered.

 

"Well, you're in luck," the guildmaster started to say, "As this is our opening week, we have a low-priced introductory offer for first-timers with one of our more...specialized battalions."

 

Kiran arched a skeptical eyebrow at this. "...Specialized, how?"

 

"They're an...eccentric bunch, but an effective bunch! The finest to come out of Sherwood," the guildmaster said. "Feedback average of four to four-and-a-half stars, all-around."

 

Kiran looked to the two mercenary leaders behind him, who only offered him a couple of shrugs, before facing the guildmaster. "All right, let me see their dossier..."

 

Before the guildmaster could reply, Anna suddenly ran up to Kiran. "Thank goodness I found you!" she told the summoner, before giving the guildmaster a quick glimpse. "Oh, hey there, Uncle," she greeted with a small wave.

 

"Anna!" the guildmaster replied with a grin and a small wave of his own. "How's my favorite niece today?"

 

Kiran grew surprised by this little detail, doing a double-take from the guildmaster to Anna. "Wait, you're related?" he asked, pointing between the two.

 

"Later! Right now, you're needed!" Anna exhorted. "Some Emblian troops have captured one of our outposts. I've already assembled some Heroes to go help free it, we just need you to join us so we can move out!"

 

"Right, understood," Kiran said before quickly taking out some gold from his person. "Mister, sign me up," he affirmed as he handed the gold to the guildmaster. "Better to have some 'insurance' in case of emergency."

 

"Splendid!" the guildmaster said as he handed a peculiar-looking whistle to Kiran. "Once Anna gives me the location of where you're headed, I'll send them your way. When the need for them arises, just blow this whistle to call them in. Good luck! And remember to rate your experience--your feedback is important to us, after all."

 

The battle site, some time later...

 

The squad of Heroes, which also included Jeralt and Gerik among their number after Kiran asked them to lend a hand, engaged the Emblian troops as they fought to reclaim the outpost. The battle was pitched, with the Emblians having a slight edge due to their numbers.

 

"We need an upset here, and we need it now!" Anna said as she deflected an arrow with her axe.

 

Kiran gave the whistle around his neck a brief glance, before deciding it was now or never. "Coming right up," he said before taking the whistle in his fingers and blowing into it with a loud *THWEEEEE*, surprising both sets of combatants. "Battalion, attack!"

 

The battlefield grew quiet at that moment as those on either side looked around confusedly. It was a sentiment echoed on the Summoner's face.

 

"...I said, battalion, attack!" he shouted again. Finally, the sound of footsteps could be heard, causing all present on the battlefield to turn towards the source. When they did, all eyes grew wide with confused surprise at the group who arrived, none more so than Kiran's.

 

The group was made up of a dozen men all clad in a most unusual uniform. Said uniform was made up of a collared white shirt with slightly billowy sleeves (save for one fellow who had apparently torn off his below the bicep), brown vests over the shirt held together by leather belts (each with a doublet attached), and brown mini boots. Most notably though, the men also wore green bycocket hats with a single feather sticking out of the left side...and forest-green leggings. The largest of the men, with long, blonde hair and a beard, brown leather bracers on his forearms, and the aforementioned torn sleeves, was hopping a bit as he tried to adjust his leggings.

 

"Sorry 'bout that, bossman!" the man apologized. "Needed to get changed an' all that! (Blimey, these are hard to get on.) Let's face it, you gotta be a man to wear tights!"

 

Kiran could hear some of the Emblian troops barely hide their chuckles, which caused him to facepalm. (It didn't help that even those among the Heroes giggled a tiny bit.) And we're doomed...

 

"Sir?" the large fellow asked Kiran as he turned around a little. "How're me seams?"

 

Kiran, a tiny bit dumbfounded, reluctantly gave the back of the man's legs a quick look, before giving him a couple of (half-hearted) thumbs up. "Um...perfect?"

 

The large man grinned on hearing that. "Heh--every time!" he said, unaware of Kiran's tone. It was then that the dozen men soon got into formation, while music began to play in the background as they marched towards the Emblian troops--singing as they did...

 

Battallion:

We're men, we're men in tights!

[The men make 'searching' gestures as they get closer to the Emblians.]

We roam around the forest looking for fights...

We're men, we're men in tiiights--

We rob from the rich, then give to the poor, that's right!

We may look like sissies...

[The men point at the Emblians.]

But watch what you say, or else we'll put out your lights!

[The men then proceed to swiftly punch the Emblians in the face, knocking them out cold as they fell on their backs. Those not the battalion grew completely shocked by this.]

We're men, we're men in tights--

Always on guard, defending the people's rights!

 

[The men then assemble into a kickline and make their way towards the Emblian cavalry units. Their kicks send the riders flying off their mounts.]

Laaa, la la la la la la

La la la la la la

La la la la la

[From there, they shift into a side-stepping routine while waving their hands, which turn out to be karate chops that serve to knock out the enemy mages.]

Laaa, la la la la la la

La la la la la la la

La la la la la la

La la la la la

La la la la

 

We're men (manly men!) [The men flex their arms.], we're men in tights! [The men do the 'I'm hot' pose.] (Yesssss!)

[The men make 'searching' gestures as they get closer to the Emblians.]

We roam around the forest looking for fights...

We're men, we're men in tiiights--

We rob from the rich, then give to the poor, that's right!

We may look like pansies...

[The men mockingly 'flutter' the lower ends of their vests like skirts, before pointing at the Emblians.]

But don't get us wrong, or else we'll put out your lights!

[The men then proceed to swiftly punch another round of Emblians in the face, knocking them out cold.]

We're men, we're men in tights--(Tight tights!)

[The men cinch their tights, which causes the Emblian pegasus knights, clerics, and troubadours to faint.]

Always on guard, defending the people's riiights!

When you're in a fix, just call for the men in tiiiiights!

 

[The men quickly get into a 'flexing' pose.] 

(WE'RE BUTCH!)

 

Kiran and the Heroes just stood there, gobsmacked, at what they'd just borne witness to, with the results speaking for themselves, as the Emblian troops were all out cold. Thanks to a battalion the Summoner had hired only just today. Through song-and-dance.

 

Kiran did a double-take from the whistle in his fingers to the battalion and back. "Huh. Best gold I ever spent..." The feedback he left for the guildmaster that day was overwhelmingly positive, and from there...Askr's battalion guild got busier and busier...

Edited June 17, 2023 by Aior0sS@ggitar!us

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 20 - A Bridge Too Far (for Comedy)

 

*And now, an additional crossover with...Ranma 1/2?! (HOW?!)*

 

Kiran was heading to meet up with Anna and the Askr royal siblings so they could organize the squad of Heroes accompanying them on their latest mission: to seek out a supposed enchanter shrouded in rumor. As he walked down the hall in Castle Askr, he was approached by one Hero in particular: Sophia, a lavender-garbed, lavender-haired, lavender-eyed, half-draconic shaman from Realm-III.

 

"Summoner...? May I...speak with you for a moment?" Sophia asked.

 

"Huh?" Kiran said, slightly surprised. "Oh, sorry about that, Sophia--nearly startled me a little. Sure, what's up?"

 

"You know about my...minor precognitive ability, correct?" the shaman asked.

 

"Certainly," Kiran replied. "What of it?"

 

"I received a brief vision today...regarding your upcoming mission..." Sophia elaborated. "I needed to inform you, post-haste."

 

Kiran nodded, knowing that Sophia's future sight skills were on-par, even above those of the ice dragon siblings, Ninian and Nils, who also hailed from her realm. "What did it tell you?"

 

"That which you seek..." Sophia began to explain, "...lies beyond a place known colloquially as the 'Bridge of Death'...the only means by which to cross over what is known...as the 'Gorge of Eternal Peril'. Aside from those two things...whatever party you organize, be sure to include three fliers, at most. That is all I can provide for you."

 

"I see. Thanks, Sophia," Kiran said with sincere gratitude. "I'll pass it along to Commander Anna and the Askr royals."

 

Sophia nodded as she went on her way. "I appreciate your thanks..." she said. "...And wish you the best of luck."

 

Two hours later...

 

Kiran, Anna, Alfonse, Sharena, and their squad of Heroes arrived at the location Sophia had seen in her vision. On the way, during a brief stopover in a small village, Kiran had gathered additional information just to be on the safe side regarding the place. The group was in a rocky, mountainous area with a mist that hung over it, and ahead of them lay their destination. The group of Heroes for this mission consisted of the troubadour Maribelle and the pegasus knight Cynthia, from the future and further future, respectively, of Realm-I; the Sacaean swordsman Guy and the Illian pegasus knight Fiora of Realm-III; Innes, the bow-slinging prince of Freilia, and the Manakete Myrrh from Realm-IV; and lastly, from Realm-X, two students from the Black Eagle house of Garreg Mach Officer's Academy, Ferdinand and Petra.

 

"Well, there it is, people..." Kiran stated as he pointed to the sight before them. "The 'Bridge of Death'."

 

Indeed, in front of the Heroes was an old, decrepit rope bridge that appeared to be on the verge of collapse; why and how it still stood, no one knew.

 

"*Hmph!* What a sorry excuse for a bridge," Maribelle haughtily commented. "The standards for maintaining infrastructure must be quite paltry in these parts."

 

"Let's remain vigilant, folks," Anna warned. "The state of the bridge isn't the only thing we have to worry about."

 

"What else is there for us to be keeping our eyes open?" Petra asked.

 

"The keeper of the bridge," Alfonse answered as he warily looked about. "He'll ask each of us five questions--"

 

"Three questions," Sharena reminded her brother.

 

"--Three questions," Alfonse said as he continued. "Those who answer the five questions--"

 

"Three questions," Sharena again reminded him.

 

"--Three questions," Alfonse said, with a mild sigh, "may cross safely."

 

Cynthia slightly raised her hand before she asked, with slight worry, "Erm...what if we get a question wrong?"

 

Kiran and Alfonse briefly, warily looked to one another, before the former answered her. "...You get cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril." Hearing that made Cynthia blanch. "Now, hold on--that's why we brought you three fliers with us, to keep us from meeting our fates prematurely. You, Fiora, and Petra are our contingency plan." Cynthia, along with Fiora and Petra, nodded in understanding as they quickly mounted their pegasi in anticipation. "All right then...who's going first?"

 

Innes immediately stepped forward. "I'll go," he said with every inch of self-assurance. "There's no way I'll get any of the questions wrong. I'll stake my pride on it." With that, he began walking towards the bridge.

 

"Good luck, Prince Innes," Myrrh said as he passed her.

 

"Tch--I don't need luck," Innes said before he was a few feet from the bridge's entrance. At that instant, twin bursts of fire exploded before him and the others, and from the smoke, a new face appeared.

 

"STOP!" they commanded, with a slight ominous echo in their voice. "Those who would cross the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three, ere the other side they see!"

 

When the smoke dissipated fully, Innes and the others got a good look at the source of the voice, and when they did, they found themselves dumbfounded by who it was.

 

Sitting atop a large rock to the side of the bridge's entrance was a tiny old man, balding with white hair and a pencil-thin mustache. He was wearing a dark maroon martial arts gi, little wood sandals, and was smoking a little pipe. He had a look on his face that just screamed 'lecherous', enough that it would make even the likes of Sain, Saul, Virion, Sylvain, and Lorenz--some of the self-described 'ladies' men' of the Order of Heroes--cringe. Of all the Heroes present, it was the Summoner who immediately recognized the old man.

 

"HAPPOSAI?!?!" he said, identifying the old man in a shocked tone of voice. He then looked in our direction and quickly made a 'T' sign with his hands. "CUT!" While the production was paused temporarily, the Summoner walked over to the old man, eyebrows narrowed. "Okay, you--what're you doing here?!"

 

Happosai took a few puffs of his pipe before he answered. "Well, sonny-boy, you'll remember that my little run-in with the superwomen of Tokyo-3* ended with me being literally kicked out by Takahashi-san. Turns out she kicked a little harder than she wanted, 'cause I must've broken through another dimensional barrier and landed in this place." He then gave Kiran a look that indicated he wasn't very amused by his present situation. "Fortunately for you (ya lucky brat), the nature of this universe has mostly kept me from going about my usual pastimes, especially when I found myself roped into taking this position after the last guy got cast into the Gorge. Now, can we get this thing going again? We're holding up the plot."

 

Kiran let out a slightly-exasperated sigh as he ran a hand across his face wearily. "Fine--but I'm watching you..." he warned before he returned to his place on the set. On facing our direction, he signaled for the production to resume. "ACTION!"

 

Innes faced the old man with a determined expression. "Ask me your questions, bridge-keeper--you'll see I show no fear."

 

Happosai nodded as he proceeded to do just that. "What...is your name?"

 

"Prince Innes, of the Kingdom of Freilia," Innes replied.

 

"What...is your quest?"

 

"To seek the enchanter who lives beyond these mountains."

 

"What...is your favorite color?"

 

"Green."

 

Happosai then sported a slightly-jovial look, before saying, "All right then--off you go."

 

Innes became highly surprised by this, as did the others. "Huh. Thank you, I guess. (Rather anticlimactic, if I do say so...)" With that, Innes slowly, carefully made his way across the bridge, grasping its sides as he did, until he reached the other side. The sight of this seemed to convince the others this might not be much of a challenge.

 

"Well, now--this appears to be simpler than we'd previously thought," Ferdinand commented, a highly-confident air about him as he dismounted his horse and, lance in-hand, walked up to the old man.

 

"STOP!" Happosai commanded as he held his hand out. "Those who would cross the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three, ere the other side they see!"

 

"Ask away, bridge-keeper," Ferdinand said in turn. "I've nothing to be afraid of!"

 

Happosai smirked as he proceeded to ask the questions. "What...is your name?"

 

"I am Ferdinand von Aegir!" After introducing himself, the red-haired noble youth looked in our direction for a brief moment. "There, I said the thing--happy now?" he muttered before returning his focus to the bridge-keeper.

 

"What...is your quest?"

 

"To seek the enchanter who lives beyond these mountains."

 

"What...is your favorite thing to eat...on Tuesdays?"

 

"A pheasant roast with berry sauce," Ferdinand answered, before remembering something at that moment. "No, wait, I forgot, it's actually saghert and creEEEEAAAMMM...!!!!" Just as he was getting those words out, Ferdinand found himself launched skyward by some unseen force, much to the shock of his comrades. Kiran quickly took command of the situation before panic could set in.

 

"Don't worry, this is just what we prepared for," he said before turning to Ferdinand's fellow student. "Petra!"

 

Quickly nodding, Petra and her pegasus swiftly flew into the air in the direction of the falling Ferdinand, catching him before he was halfway down. Ferdinand was holding on to the back of the winged horse for dear life as they set down back on the ground beside the others.

 

"It is all right, Ferdinand," Petra said to help calm her classmate down. "We are now being back on the ground, you can let go..."

 

Turning her attention from Ferdinand being coaxed off of the back of Petra's steed, Maribelle determinedly stepped forward. "Very well, it falls to me to succeed where my fellow noble could not..." She soon was face-to-face with Happosai.

 

"STOP!" the old man commanded again. "What...is your name?"

 

"Lady Maribelle of the Themis Dukedom," the blonde troubadour replied in her trademark upper-crust manner.

 

"What...is your quest?"

 

"To seek the enchanter."

 

"What...is your cup size?"

 

Maribelle's eyes bugged out as a very luminescent blush appeared on her face. "Wha--wha-what the-how DARE you!" she yelled in equal parts fury and embarrassment as she instinctually covered her chest with her arms. "What does that have to do with anythiIIIIINNNNNGGGG?!" As the words left her lips, like Ferdinand before her, she too found herself unexpectedly airborne.

 

"Oh boy..." Kiran muttered. "Cynthia!"

 

"On it!" the young pegasus knight replied quickly before she and her steed were soon skyward, where they intercepted Maribelle just as she thought of trying to use her parasol like a parachute. With the troubadour on her pegasus's back, Cynthia breathed a sigh of relief as she guided them back to the others. Maribelle, on dismounting, gave Happosai a look of visceral disdain. 

 

Kiran, on the other hand, simply glared at the old grandmaster, who cheekily grinned in return. "I did say the nature of this universe MOSTLY kept me in check, heh heh," Happosai said with a chuckle.

 

Guy, swallowing, decided to chance it himself and stepped forward, his hand on the hilt of his sword.

 

"STOP!" Happosai commanded. "What...is your name?

 

"Guy, of the Kutolah clan," Guy answered, warily eying the martial artist.

 

"What...is your quest?"

 

"To seek out the enchanter."

 

"What...is the type of sword used by Goemon Ishikawa XIII?"

 

Guy's eyes widened in confusion at the question he was just presented. "...Who??" Since he was unable to answer correctly, like his comrades before him, Guy was then launched screaming into the air.

 

Kiran gave himself a facepalm before giving the order to save him. "*Sigh* Fiora!" Before the last vowel even left his lips, Fiora and her pegasus were already airborne and had managed to catch a very appreciative Guy, returning with him back to the group's position, Happosai cackling as he watched the whole spectacle unfold, earning him glares from the group.

 

It was Anna who decided enough was enough. "Stand back--I know just how to deal with this," she said as she stepped forward to face Happosai.

 

"STOP!" he commanded yet again. "What...is your name?"

 

"Commander Anna of the Order of Heroes," the redheaded axe-wielder replied.

 

"What...is your quest?"

 

"To seek the enchanter."

 

"What...is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?" Happosai asked, a pronounced smirk on his face.

 

Anna, at first, said nothing...before a knowing grin graced her lips. "African or European swallow?" she asked in reply.

 

Happosai's smirk vanished as he grew confused by this response. "How the hell should I know?!" he asked irritably, before covering his mouth with his hands on realizing his mistake. "Oh, craAAAAAA---!!!" Happosai soon was sent flying, the Heroes watching as his disappearing figure fell further and further into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. All eyes turned to Kiran, as they gave him inquisitive looks.

 

"...Shouldn't we have saved him?" Sharena asked.

 

Kiran shrugged before answering her. "Nah, it's fine. Besides, the guy's survived worse. He's like a cockroach, in the sense that he's extremely hard to get rid of. But for now...I don't think he'll be bothering us for a while. Anyway, I think the coast is clear, so we might as well get across the bridge. Myrrh, if you could help with Maribelle and Ferdinand's horses...?"

 

The next few minutes consisted of the Heroes carefully making their way across the bridge, with the pegasus knights flying across the gorge and Myrrh, in her dragon form, carefully carrying the non-winged horses in her claws. Once all had joined up with the waiting Innes on the other side, they were on their way to continue their search for the enchanter. As they walked, Kiran took a moment to speak with Anna.

 

"How'd you know--?" he started to ask, only for Anna to beat him to the punch with her answer.

 

"I have a sister in Realm-VII," she said with a smile on her face, referring to the world Itsuki and Tsubasa, along with three other Heroes, came from. "Since it's the one most similar to your world, she's been a big help in me getting better acquainted with the terminology you throw around. Once mentioned something like this happening in one of those--what'd you call them?--'movies'."

 

"Huh. Makes sense," Kiran said in turn.

 

Meanwhile, back on the other side of the bridge, a short, nondescript fellow with a bushy mustache came out of the shack he lived in, and gave the entrance to the bridge a bit of a look-over. Scratching his head a bit, he then grumbled to himself as he went back to the shed to fetch something. When he returned to the entrance, he hammered a sign into the ground next to the rock Happosai was sitting on. Printed on it, with an arrow pointing towards the man's shack, was the following:

 

Bridge-keeper Wanted

Great hours, pay, and benefits!

Make all inquiries within.

**Author's Note(s)**

Featuring: Paul Dobson as the 'bridge-keeper'.

*See "Superwomen of EVA: Earth's Mightiest, United" on FanFiction.net and Sufficient Velocity.

Edited June 24, 2023 by Aior0sS@ggitar!us

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 21 - The 2,000-Year-Old Guest Lecturer

In-between missions for the Order of Heroes, activity within the confines of Castle Askr and its surrounding villages tended to vary among those who made up the Order's membership. Some honed their skills at the training grounds, others read away in the castle library, and then there were those who joined up with the clubs set up by a small committee of Heroes. For one Hero in particular, they felt there was something missing. Something...educational. For Seteth of Realm-X, the main advisor to Rhea, archbishop of the Church of Seiros, he sought to remedy that. After getting the go-ahead from Commander Anna and Kiran the Summoner, along with securing an auditorium within the castle, Seteth began what would be the first of a hopefully ongoing guest lecture and interview series. For the inaugural seminar, he posted a sign-up sheet for those who would want to attend, and strongly encouraged any Garreg Mach students who had been summoned to attend these as well. For the first guest he recruited, Seteth found him purely by chance while walking through the castle marketplace one day, overhearing him as he conversed with a couple of associates who were, respectively, a scholar and a merchant. His curiosity piqued, Seteth approached the fellow and offered him the speaking opportunity, to which the fellow gave a brief shrug and agreed. On the day of the seminar, the auditorium was filled not only with Garreg Mach students, but various Heroes of other realms. Seteth readied himself as he motioned to the audience for some quiet. 

 

Seteth: "*AHEM* Thank you all for coming to the first of what hopefully will be many guest speaker engagements here at Askr Castle. Although we know those among our fellow Heroes who are Manakete have lived considerably long times, for our inaugural guest speaker, I present to you--and I do not jest--a man who is supposedly 2,000 years old, and has travelled to many, many different places over the course of his lifetime. He has generously offered his time to allow us to pick his brain of what he's seen and experienced, so if anyone here in the audience has a question for the guest, or wishes to follow up on something they said, please raise your hand and stand up." 

 

While the audience murmured amongst themselves over this, Seteth nodded towards the other end of the stage, giving the guest his cue to come out. The man did so, revealing himself to the audience. The old man was short and balding, with a long gray beard that went down to his belly. He wore little round glasses that hung on his rather large nose, a dark blue robe, and socks under his brown sandals. The man took his proffered seat as Seteth sat on the stool provided for him. It was then that Seteth began his interview of the man, who briefly adjusted his glasses to get a good look at the audience.

 

Seteth: "Sir, is it true that you are, in fact, 2,000 years old?"

 

Old Man [wearily]: "Ooooh, boy...Yes."

 

Seteth: "You are, indeed, a millennia old?"

 

Old Man: "Yes indeed--you could say that I am a millennial, for lack of a better term."

 

Seteth: "Forgive my need to clarify, it's just that, those of the Manakete race aside, in the history of humankind, no one has lived for more than 100 years, at the least--and yet you claim to be 2,000?"

 

Old Man: "Will be, not yet. I'll be 2,000 come October 16th."

 

Seteth: "Ah, so you will be 2,000. To further clarify, when were you born exactly?"

 

Old Man: "Can't exactly pin it down--way back when, you've got to remember, we didn't have formal years and names and writing. We didn't know." (Seteth: "I see.") "Nobody kept track of time, see, we didn't know. We didn't write--we just sat around, pointed at the sky, and said 'Wow! Hot there! Wow!'"

 

Seteth [slight sweat-drop by his head]: "That's all you said?"

 

Old Man: "We didn't even know it was the Sun."

 

Seteth: "You really didn't know anything."

 

Old Man: "Not a thing--we were so dumb in those days. We didn't even know who was a lady--but they were, they were with us, but we didn't know who they were. We didn't know who were ladies and who were fellows." (At that point a hand rose up from the audience, which the Old Man then pointed to.) "Yeah, you there, the ginger boy with the rolled-up sleeves." (The owner of that hand, Garreg Mach student Sylvain (of the Blue Lion student house), proceeded to stand up.)

 

Sylvain [scratching his head a bit]: "So, basically, you thought that they were just a different type of guy?"

 

Old Man: "Yes, stronger or smaller or softer. The softer ones, I think, was the ladies the whole time."

 

Sylvain: "Oh-kaaayyy....follow-up, how did you...find out?" (Sylvain's fellow Blue Lion, a slightly-miffed Ingrid, elbowed him in the gut, not enough to hurt him, but just to surprise him.)

 

Old Man: "Well, they are cute--a fat guy, you could have mistaken him, soft and cute--" (As Sylvain sat down (with 'encouragement' from Ingrid), another hand rose as Sain of Realm-III stood up.)

 

Sain: "Out of curiosity, who exactly was the person who discovered women?" (His fellow cavalier, Kent, facepalmed.)

 

Old Man: "That would be Bernie." (A number of audience members looked towards another Garreg Mach student, Bernadetta of the Black Eagle house, who went wide-eyed on being supposedly singled out like this.) "No no, different Bernie, short for Bernard." ("Aaaah," the audience members said as they turned their attention back to the Old Man, to which Bernadetta breathed a sigh of relief.)

 

Seteth [clearing his throat]: "On that note, who was this Bernie, in particular?"

 

Old Man: "Bernie, he was one'a the first leaders of our, uh, our group." (Soleil, of the future of Realm-VI (her father, oddly enough, being Laslow, aka Inigo of Realm-I's far future), raised her hand as she stood up.) "Yes, the pinkette with the shoulder armor in the fourth row."

 

Soleil: "So this Bernie 'discovered' the female?"

 

Old Man: "Yeah, sure did."

 

Soleil: "How did that happen?"

 

Old Man: "He said, 'Hey, there's, there's ladies here'."

 

Soleil: "Can you elaborate further? I'm quite interested in how Bernie discovered woman."

 

Old Man: "Well, he...one morning, he got up smiling. So he said, 'I think there's ladies here'. So I ask, 'Well, whaddya mean, you know?' He then says, ''Cause in the night, I was thrilled and delighted, see?' So he went into such a story that, even hundreds of years later, I still blush."

 

(By the time he finished that sentence, Soleil, and a good number of audience members, male and female, were blushing themselves. One audience member took initiative in trying to change the topic a bit, as Luthier, a Valentian mage from Realm-I's present, stood up with his hand halfway raised.)

 

Luthier: "Sir, could you share with us the secret to your longevity?"

 

Seteth: "A good question. I'd also like to know myself, if you don't mind."

 

Old Man: "Not at all. Well, the major thing, the major thing, is that I never, ever touch fried food. I don't eat it, I wouldn't look at it, and I don't touch it. And, and I never run for a carriage, there's always another. Even if you're late for work, you know, I never run for a carriage. I never ran; I just stroll, jump it, slowly walk to the next carriage..."

 

Seteth: "Of course, there were no carriages, let alone chariots, at the time."

 

Old Man: "No, in my time, ah..."

 

Seteth: "So what was your means of transportation back then?"

 

Old Man: "Horses, and mostly fear."

 

Seteth [quirking an eyebrow]: "Fear transported you?"

 

Old Man: "Fear, yes--you could see a large, carnivorous animal; could be a lion, a tiger, a bear..." (In the audience, Realm-II's Deirdre uttered a quiet "Oh, my!".) "Whichever it was, it'd growl, and you and the horse you'd rode in on would be two miles a minute."

 

Seteth: "I see. Changing subjects, I'd like to find out about the origination of certain social customs, and I know there are some in our audience who are just as curious as well." (He then nodded towards a hand that had just risen up, belonging to the songstress of Realm-VI, Azura.)

 

Old Man: "Yes, the blue-haired bombshell with the flowing white gown."

 

Azura: "Could you please tell us of the origins of singing?"

 

Old Man: "Oh, that? It stems from fear." (Azura sported a puzzled look at this, as did Seteth and a number of musically-inclined Heroes in the audience.)

 

Azura: "Could you explain that?"

 

Old Man: "Well, in the old days--and I mean old days, well before the bards and instruments, I'm talking rocks and caves--song came about when you really had to communicate, but in trouble you couldn't say 'help', but you have to use your mouth. I mean, I would say 'help', they'd say 'good morning'. You really, you know you're in trouble, so somebody said 'HEEEEEHHH-EEEEELLLP!'" 

 

Azura [wincing a bit]: "...And that was the first song?"

 

Old Man: "That's a note."

 

Seteth [nodding]: "I see. In other words, fear again, correct?"

 

Old Man: "I was singing."

 

Seteth: "One would think usually happiness--"

 

Old Man: "Oh, and the song came out of it--

 

A lion is eating my foot off--somebody call a constable!"

 

(The Old Man repeats the 'lyric' a couple more times.)

 

Seteth [looking to the audience]: "There you have it, the derivation of song. Moving on, what can you tell us about how the custom of two people shaking hands--the 'handshake'--came about?"

 

Old Man: "The handshake? Well, as you know..."

 

Seteth [quirking his eyebrow]: "(I don't, that's why I'm asking you.)"

 

Old Man: "...The handshake also stemmed from fear."

 

Seteth [confused, a sentiment shared by much of the audience]: "Hm--it seems like everything stemmed from fear."

 

Old Man: "But of course--everything we do is based on fear." (At that moment, Realm-I's Caeda, who was next to her beloved Marth, stood up with a slightly-raised hand.) "Yes, the blue-haired cutie next to the blue-haired boyo."

 

Caeda: "Even love?"

 

Old Man [nodding]: "Mainly love."

 

Caeda [sweat drop next to her head]: "How can love stem from fear?"

 

Old Man: "Well, what do you need a man or a woman for? You know what you needed either for? In my time?" (Caeda: "Yes.") "To see if an animal is behind yourself. You had to have eyes in the back of your head."

 

Caeda [still a bit perplexed]: "...I see."

 

Old Man: "You only have two eyes, so you take along your wife, your husband, your partner, whatever. For instance, you'd say, 'Hey lady, would you look behind me for a little while?' And that was the first--the first marriages. 'What if you take a look behind me, ok?' 'How long you want?' 'Forever.' 'We're married.'"

 

Caeda [scratching her head absentmindedly]: "So you...walked back-to-back for the rest of your life?"

 

Old Man [nodding]: "Yes--you only looked at her (or him) once in a while."

 

Caeda [guessing]: "When you knew you were safe?"

 

Old Man: "When you knew you were on the high ground."

 

Seteth [clearing his throat]: "So, the handshakes--they started how?"

 

Old Man: "They started to see if a fellow had a rock or a dagger in his hand. For instance, you grab his hand--'Hi, Charlie.' You grab another guy's hand--'How ya doing, Berto?' Then you open it, and you look, and you shook another one." 

 

Seteth: "And that's the way the handshake started?"

 

Old Man: "You had to shake it--they might've had a stone or a marble to stick in your eye." (It was then that Tethys of Realm-IV stood up with her hand raised.) "Yes, the lovely redhead with the puffy pants and pink shawl."

 

Tethys: "How did dancing get started?"

 

Old Man: "Dancing? Same thing."

 

Tethys [a slight wry grin on her face]: "Fear, let me guess?"

 

Old Man: "Just fear. The only thing you could do with a hand was to see if there was a rock or a marble or a nail or something that would stick in your head."

 

Tethys: "Uh-huh..."

 

Old Man: "BUT, you're only immobilizing one hand! Dancing is where you get to complete the immobilization. You dance, and you keep the feet busy so he can't get you." (Tethys nodded at this before she sat back down, keeping those details in the back of her mind for another day.)

 

Seteth [steering the conversation in another direction]: "A common desire among most people is to live a long and fruitful life. You mentioned--"

 

Old Man: "Fruit is good food, you mentioned. Fruit kept me going for 140 years once, when I, when I was on a very strict diet, mainly nectarines. (I love that fruit.)" (The Old Man took out a nectarine from somewhere within his beard to show.) "Half a peach, half a plum, such a hell of a fruit. It's not too cold, not too hot, you know, just nice." (Seteth: "What if...") "Even a rotten one--that's how much I love it. I'd rather eat a rotten nectarine than a fine plum, what do you think of that?" (Seteth: "I can understand that--") "Yes, that's how much I love 'em." (Seteth: "Yes, I can understand, sir.") "Some good things." (The hand of Merlinus from Realm-III then rose among the audience, which the Old Man noticed.) "Yes, bald guy with the mustache."

 

Merlinus: "What I want to know is, what exactly did you do for a living?"

 

Old Man [stroking his chin contemplatively]: "Well, hundreds of years ago, there wasn't a whole lot of what you'd call 'industry'." (Merlinus nodded his head.) "Most things that we made, most things that we ever made, were, uh, were just we'd take a piece of wood, and rub it, and rub it, and rub it, and rub it, then clean and look at it, and hit dirt with it, and hit a tree with it."

 

Merlinus [perplexed]: "...For what purpose?"

 

Old Man: "Just to keep busy. There was--there was absolutely nothing to do, had no job."

 

Seteth: "What other occupations were there? Surely, there must have been something else besides hitting a tree with--"

 

Old Man: "The knowledge, hitting a tree with a stick was already a good job. You couldn't get that job, you know?"

 

Seteth: "What job--?"

 

Old Man: "Mainly was sitting and looking at the sky--that was a big job. And another job was watching each other."

 

Seteth: "*AHEM* Shifting topics again, what language did you and your people speak back then?"

 

Old Man: "We spoke, eh...rock. Basic rock."

 

Seteth: "Years before any known language?"

 

Old Man: "Yes--200 years before even Hebrew was the rock language, the rock talk." (A brief murmur among the audience erupted over what exactly was 'Hebrew', with only the Summoner knowing it.)

 

Seteth: "Could you give us an example of this language?"

 

Old Man: "Yes, there's, ah, 'Hey, ah--don't you throw that rock at me!', or 'Hey, whaddya do with the rock?'." (A number of sweat drops emerged among the audience, Seteth included, on hearing this.)

 

Seteth: "Could you give us an example or two of that other language you mentioned, this 'Hebrew'?"

 

Old Man: "I would, but I--wait, wait, turns out I remember very little. Must've forgot a great deal of it. Maybe all, yes. Been hundreds and hundreds of years since I needed it." (At this point, the hand of the Anna from Realm-I's future rose as she stood up.) "Yes, the redhead with th' ponytail sitting on the aisle."

 

Anna (Awakening😞 "Did you ever have any formal job as we know it today?"

 

Old Man: "Well, yeah, I was an artisan--owned my own small shop."

 

Anna (Awakening😞 "What kind of shop was it?"

 

Old Man: "I had a--I used to make these, ah, the Goddess Icons." (The Old Man took out from somewhere on his person a small Goddess Icon.) "I was, ah, one of the first makers of these." (Anna (Awakening😞 "Making a little money?") "Yeah--soon as religion came in, I was one of the first in that. I figured this was a good thing."

 

Anna (Awakening😞 "How did you make them--did you have tools?"

 

Old Man: "Well, we didn't have a lathe. I employed six men, each assigned to carve out a different piece of the icon. One fer th' base, one fer th' body--and it was a quick and speedy operation, lemme tell you. We'd make three a day because of the many accidents."

 

Seteth: "Did you never think of going into anything else?"

 

Old Man: "Oh, no, I had an offer once. It came to me--Simon..."

 

Seteth: "What did this Simon offer you?"

 

Old Man: "Said he had a new thing, a new item, a winner, looks like a winning item, that was gonna be a big seller--'It's called a 'Naga's Tear'. And I looked at it and turned it over, looked in all sides of it, and I said, 'It's simple. It's too simple.' I didn't know then it'd be a big hit."

 

Seteth: "You turned him down?"

 

Old Man [nodding]: "I said, 'I'm sorry, but I'm too busy.' See, I could have let four men go, and have just two men work on these. Would say that I would--I would've earned more doing those Naga's Tears and everything." (Seteth: "Yes, certainly.") (At this point, the hand of Realm-VI's Nina came up.) "Yes, the little bowslinger with the twin braids."

 

Nina [holding her trademark notebook, pencil at the ready]: "This might seem a bit personal, but, are you married?"

 

Old Man: "I have been married several hundred times." [A very audible collective gasp erupted from the audience, as an astonished Nina nearly dropped her notebook.)

 

Nina [jaw dropped]: "Several hundred times?!"

 

Old Man [showing a staggering number of wedding bands on his fingers]: "Yes."

 

Nina: "Uh...do you remember all your wives? (Or just partners, in general?)"

 

Old Man: "One, I remember well." (Nina: "Which one was that?") "The third one, Shyla. I remember her well."

 

Nina: "Oh-kaaaayyy...I'm sort of afraid to ask my follow-up, but since you've had--I'm still gobsmacked to say it--many hundreds of partners..."

 

Old Man: "Hundreds and hundreds."

 

Nina: "...But how many children do you have?"

 

Old Man: "I have over forty-two-thousand children--" (Another audible collective gasp erupted from the audience...) "--and not one comes to visit me." (...Followed by the audience collectively going "Awwwww..." in sympathy.)

 

Seteth [shaking his head]: "That is awful, sir. You mean to say that there isn't one child of yours--"

 

Old Man: "There's many kids, but, but they, you know how they are, children--good luck to them, let 'em go, I don't wanna listen, let 'em be happy as long as they're happy, I don't care. But they could send a note, write 'How're you, Pop?', 'How're you doing, Pop?', you know? They don't."

 

Seteth: "Moving along, you must have known some great people in your time, you did travel to--"

 

Old Man: "I knew the greater and the near-greater."

 

Seteth: "I believe some of our listeners would like to ask you about some of these--"

 

Old Man [looking out at the audience]: "Certainly, I'll tell you the true, the true whether I knew or not." (At this point, Realm-V's Sanaki, empress of Begnion, stood up with her hand halfway raised.) "Yes, the little purple-headed cutie with the red headband."

 

Sanaki: "Some from my particular realm are quite interested in the founding figures of our home continent of Tellius. One of them, specifically, being the swordswoman Altina, the founder and first ruler of Begnion."

 

Old Man [wistful]: "Ah, what a beauty..."

 

Sanaki [surprised]: "You knew Altina?"

 

Old Man: "Knew her? I went for her!"

 

Sanaki: "Strange, most texts we have don't mention her having had an early lover."

 

Old Man: "Well, they don't print everything."

 

Sanaki: "How long were you together?"

 

Old Man: "Not very long. Didn't even get a chance to ask her to marry me, since she was on a mission for that Ashera lady. She used to say to me, she used to say to me, 'I must save Tellius!'. I used to say to her, 'Look, I've got to wash up, you save Tellius. See you later after you save Tellius. I'll wash up, you know." (In the audience, a slightly-embarrassed Altina, blushing a bit, twiddled her thumbs as she opted to find a spot on the ceiling quite interesting at that moment.)

 

Sanaki: "How did you feel after she and her allies won and she went on to found Begnion?"

 

Old Man: "A bit terrible--I missed my chance wit' her. I wished her luck, don't get me wrong, but it stung a bit after she got together with that other fellow, ah, what was his name...Larry? Lorenzo...?"

 

Sanaki [a tiny bit befuddled]: "Um...Lehran?"

 

Old Man [snapping his fingers]: "Bingo, that's it, Lehran! Pretty fellow, I'll admit. She made quite a catch." [The old man squinted a bit in Sanaki's direction.] "Huh, that long-haired monk sitting next to you kind of looks like the guy, now that I think about it..." (Said monk, Sephiran (who was, in fact, secretly Lehran), nervously twiddled his thumbs while whistling idly, only to quietly breath a sigh of relief once most eyes were off him, chalking up the old man's words to mere coincidence. Once Sanaki sat back down, Realm-II's Brigid stood up with her hand raised.)

 

Brigid: "Sir, how about the legendary Twelve Crusaders of Jugdral--for example, the bowmaster Ullr?"

 

Old Man: "Oh, yeah, lovely woman--ran around in the forest, beautiful mane of hair that went down right to her legs, it was quite a sight." (In another part of the audience, Ullr herself blushed at the compliment, rubbing her head absent-mindedly.)

 

Brigid: "There's been a long unconfirmed rumor that, among her deeds, she stole from greedy, rich folk and gave to the poor--is any of that true?"

 

Old Man: "One-hundred percent. And when those same rich folk tried to hit her with a smear campaign--said she stole everything and kept everything--she responded in kind. She had a fella, Marty--Marty the press agent--run tales of her noble deeds in all the major scrolls. 'She takes from the rich and gives to the poor!' Who knew? If you were a big shot in those days who looked down on all the little people, you knew you took such a knock in the head when she robbed you--wouldn't knock her down."

 

Brigid: "I see. Thank you, we appreciate you helping my people rest a bit easier knowing this."

 

Old Man: "Well, I'm happy to help you rest easier." (As Brigid sat down, L'Arachel of Realm-IV stood up with her own hand raised.) "Yes, the greenie with the staff."

 

L'Arachel: "Perhaps you can shed light on one of the legendary figures of my own home continent of Magvel--Saint Latona, the founder of my kingdom, the theocracy of Rausten?"

 

Old Man: "Oh, what a pussycat..."

 

L'Arachel [perplexed]: "You're saying you knew--?"

 

Old Man: "A pussycat. Oh, that little beard, that hairdo of his...and smart, boy was he smart..."

 

L'Arachel: "*AHEM* I guess you would agree that he, in addition to being the guiding light of Magvel's Five Heroes, was also a very great writer--"

 

Old Man [waving his hands dismissively]: "Oh no, hey, hold up--he was small."

 

L'Arachel [confused]: "Er, what do you mean? You just affirmed he was great..." (Old Man [wearily]: "Oh, boy!") "...And I stated he was great--"

 

Old Man: "No, ma'am--a smart man and a pussycat."

 

L'Arachel: "But...not a great writer?"

 

Old Man: "Not a good writer at all. Saint Latona was not a good writer, no."

 

L'Arachel [astonished]: "But-but his writings are considered Magvel's greatest works--"

 

Old Man: "You ever see the original folios?"

 

L'Arachel: "Are you saying they were edited by someone else--?"

 

Old Man: "Never mind the editing, did you see the folios?"

 

L'Arachel: "Well, no, I've personally never seen them. Are you saying you--?"

 

Old Man: "I have, indeed, seen them--you wanna see how they are? They're blots! You had an 'L' that looked like a 'T', or an 'M' you didn't know if it was an 'M', or an 'O' that could be a 'P'--every letter was cockeyed and crazy. Don't tell me he was a good writer--he had the worst penmanship I ever saw in my life."

 

L'Arachel [awestruck]: "...Huh. I never knew...Be that as it may, his works are still considered the most-widely read on Magvel, all thirty-seven of them."

 

Old Man: "Thirty-eight."

 

L'Arachel [confused]: "What--? But I only know of thirty-seven." (She took out a small rolled-up piece of paper and unfurled it, walked up to the stage, and held it up for the old man.) "On looking at this list of the aforementioned works, can you confirm that there's one that should be there?"

 

Old Man [adjusting his glasses]: "Yes, I can."

 

L'Arachel: "And that would be...?"

 

Old Man: "The fable of Lady Alexandra and Murray." (L'Arachel looked at him, wide-eyed.) "Never heard of it, I take it? It takes place in the land that would become the mercantile republic of Carcino."

 

L'Arachel: "Is there--is there any copy of this in existence?"

 

Old Man: "This is a written work that I put invested money in."

 

Seteth [wanting to get his two cents in]: "I'm assuming this is probably the only one that didn't come to light."

 

Old Man: "Come to light? It closed in Darkling Woods!"

 

L'Arachel [now curious]: "...Do you remember any quotes from 'Lady Alexandra and Murray'?"

 

Old Man: "Yes, uuuuhhhh....'Lady Alexandra turned to Murray and said, 'Oh, Murray, what could it have been that I have seen? Is it not in my bones? Are we not one in of ourselves?' And he would say to her, 'What are you hollering? What are you hollering?'. That'd wake up the whole castle, you know?" (L'Arachel, nodding and having felt as satisfied as she could be with his answers, returned to her seat. Following that, the freelancer Xane of Realm-I stood up with his hand raised.) "Yes, the fellow with the wings on his head."

 

Xane: "Yes, my question is, what did you do 2,000 years ago to entertain each other?" (Old Man [getting up to do a little jig]: "Walk and wing...") "Actually, what I mean is, was there anyone equivalent to jesters--"

 

Old Man: "Oh, sure, we had 'em."

 

Xane: "Do you remember any of them?" 

 

Old Man: "Sure, let me see...I remember one real funny guy, gave us some laughs, we were hysterical."

 

Xane: "Well, who was he?"

 

Old Man: "Morrie the Nut. Oh, did he gave us a laugh...A tiger came in the cave one afternoon, sauntered in, uninvited, naturally. (Nobody asked how a tiger did walk in.) So the tiger came in, and Morrie, you know, the jokester, the tummler, you know, the nut--he jumps up and grabs the tiger by the tail, and he goes 'Yahaa! Yahaa! Yahaa!', and the tiger turned around and ate him in under a minute--and did we get hysterical, laughing and laughing..." (For most of the audience, shocked looks adorned their faces, as they didn't consider someone being eaten by a wild beast to be much of a laughing matter.)

 

Seteth: "Er, ah, sir--that's not very humorous."

 

Old Man: "Well, what did we have, passion plays, then? That's what we had."

 

Seteth: "Still, it seems terrible--"

 

Old Man: "That was the best we had, 'Morrie the Nut takes a tiger'."

 

Xane: "That was entertainment?"

 

Old Man: "Yes."

 

Xane: "I don't know--seems more befitting of the realm of tragedy rather than comedy. How did you tell them apart?"

 

Old Man: "It's all about point of view--to me, tragedy is, uh, is...if I cut my finger, that's a tragedy. It bleeds, and I cry, and I run around, and I'll go to my physician for a day and a half, and I'm very nervous about it. To me, comedy is if you walk into a hole in the ground that's somebody's compost pile, and, uh--what do I care? That's comedy!" (Xane, somewhat satisfied, sat back down as Seteth spoke up.)

 

Seteth: "*AHEM* Now, sir, in your 2,000 years of life, you've no doubt seen a lot of changes in the world."

 

Old Man [nodding]: "I certainly have."

 

Seteth: "What would you consider to be the biggest change you've ever seen?"

 

Old Man: "In two thousand years, the greatest thing mankind ever devised I think, in my humble opinion...is the broom." (The jaws of most of the audience collectively dropped on hearing this.) "You can clean with it, you can pretend it's a horse, you can use it as a means to defend yourself--it's very, very versatile, that thing is."

 

Seteth [gobsmacked]: "You...you would equate it with humanity's discovery and development of organized writing systems?"

 

Old Man: "Well, that was good, that was good too." (Seteth did a double-take from the old man to the audience and back.)

 

Seteth [a tiny bit nervous]: "Well, sir, we appear to not have much more time left, so as a final question, we all here would like to know your personal code, your credo."

 

Old Man: "Well...all right. Is this it? The closing remarks?"

 

Seteth [nodding]: "The closing remarks, indeed."

 

Old Man [standing up and addressing the audience]: "Hello there, all--this is 2,000 years talking to you, from the depths of back there when we was, now I'm still and they not--and I just wanna say: keep a smile on your face...and stay out of the way of a well-trained mustang--stay out of their way...I wanna tell you that it's been, it's been a wonderful 2,000 years, and you've been a wonderful civilization, and it's been a thrill living for 2,000 years...and eat a nectarine, it's the best food ever made!"

 

With that, the seminar ended as the audience applauded the old man, strange as he was. The old man took his bows, took out a nectarine from somewhere within his beard, and proceeded to bite into it as he exited the stage.

 

**Author's Note(s)**

Dedicated to the memory of longtime Mel Brooks collaborator and comedy legend Carl Reiner. The dialogue and description of the titular old man are based upon the 1975 animated TV special adaptation of the classic comedy routine.

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 22 - An Appeal for Hel

The opening shot focused on the grim, regal form of Hel, the cold ruler of the realm of the dead which she shared a name with. She was sitting at a desk, her fingers tented before her.

 

Hel:

"Good evening. I would like you, if you would, to look closely, for a moment, at this image."

 

The shot then cut to her handmaiden, Ganglöt, holding the portrait-sized image to her side. The image appeared to be of a group of people crying out in agony as fire rained down upon them, with a dark, robe-clad figure looking on.

 

Hel [voiceover]:

"The image is of only just a few out of millions of souls in torment."

 

The shot then cut back to Hel, sitting at her desk.

 

Hel:

"The image was rendered on canvas several hundred years ago. These poor people have not been tormented since then, due to a lack of funds."

 

She 'un-tented' her hands as she laced her fingers in front of herself.

 

Hel:

"You know, Hel is a purely voluntary organization. There is no state-based aid, no insurance scheme, not even a grant from UNICEF...And now, please take a look at this image."

 

The shot then cut to Ganglöt again, this time holding an portrait of the twin sister witches, Realm-I's Marla and Hestia, along with another witch from that realm in Nuibaba. The shot then cut back to Hel.

 

Hel:

"A rather heart-rending sight, is it not? These witches of the Rigelian half of Valentia have to be roasted alive on less fuel per year than you will probably use in one day in the warmth and comfort of your humble home. You may now be wondering--what can you do to help? Well, ten sacred coins will maintain a torture rack for two weeks; only five gold coins will assure eternal darkness for one soul for six months."

 

Hel took a brief moment to adjust her posture a bit before she spoke again.

 

Hel [a rare look of sincerity in her expression]:

"Believe it or not, life is not much fun down here in the bottomless pit that shares my name. We here have taken on a job that is not very popular, and receive a lot of opposition from the press...and still some from the Realm of Life...You will find our address either in print via the latest edition of your local pamphlet, or in audio format via your local town crier. Please, do consider making a pledge today."

 

With that, Hel vanished from the desk, leaving an empty chair behind.

 

-X-

 

Kiran, Anna, and the Askr royal siblings stared at the crystal ball, dumbfounded and speechless. Their visit to Realm-III's Niime for an augury in preparation for their next mission had certainly taken an odd turn when this message from Hel played unexpectedly the moment the elderly druid conjured up the mists within her crystal ball. They looked to Niime herself, as if seeking answers; Niime, for the most part, nonchalantly inspected her crystal ball and shook it a little, a quizzical look on her face.

 

"I knew I should've bit the arrowhead and signed up for the ad-free service," she said.

 

**Author's Note(s)**

Dedicated to Niime's English VA, the late Philece Sampler.

This vignette is based upon a sketch from the third episode of The Frost Report, "The Frost Report on Sin" (March 24, 1966). The show was the one that introduced the world to John Cleese (among other comics), who was the only future Python founder to be featured as a cast member. (Four other Python founders--Graham Chapman, Terry Jones, Michael Palin, and Eric Idle--were on the show's writing staff.) The thought of Barbara Goodson, Hel's English VA, channeling Cleese's devil is, to my mind, a tiny bit amusing.

Edited July 5, 2023 by Aior0sS@ggitar!us

[Aior0sS@ggitar!us]

Vignette 23A - Mercie the Vampire Slayer, Part 1 of 3

 

On a rather pleasant afternoon, a gazebo in one of the larger gardens of Askr Castle was currently playing host to the latest gathering of one of the many activity groups established among members of the Order of Heroes. In this case, it was the tea club, made up of various Heroes from various realms who had in common the notion that nothing could beat relaxing with a nice cup of tea (edible treats optional). The group in question consisted of Realm-IV's L'Arachel, princess of the theocracy of Rausten and the one who established the club (partly as an expansion of the one she formed back home); Realm-I's Celica (from its present, heiress to the throne of Zofia on the continent of Valentia) and Maribelle (from its future, one of the few aristocrats counting themselves among the elite team known as the Shepherds); Céline of Realm-XI, crown princess of Firene and one of the newest members in the club; Realm-VI's Soleil (from its further future, and whose father Laslow was actually Realm-I's Inigo--long story...); and Realm-X's Mercedes (a student of Garreg Mach Officer's Academy, specifically of the Blue Lion house), acting as that realm's 'representative' for today, as there were a decent number of tea-drinkers among that group of Heroes, to the point where they decided on 'shifts' as club members. The group was engaged in pleasant conversation as Mercedes shifted the subject with her next set of words.

 

"Oh, Lady L'Arachel," the blonde heiress to House Bartels began, "I meant to ask you about this the other day. While chatting with your bodyguard, Dozla, during a march, he mentioned something about the two of you engaging in some manner of 'monster hunting' in the lead-up to the War of the Stones. Is that true?"

 

The green-haired princess of Rausten grinned a bit as she nodded her head. "Indeed it is, my good woman," she replied as she took a sip of her tea.

 

"What kind of creatures of nightmare are we talking?" Soleil asked. "And don't skimp on the details."

 

"These weren't just your run-of-the-mill horrors," L'Arachel elaborated. "These were the vanguard of the Demon King of our realm's distant past. Any one of the types among their ranks would have you reeling with fright--the mauthe doogs, the baels and their elders (not for the arachnophobic), the giant axe-wielding cyclopes, and to say nothing of the various forms of walking dead that were the basic grunts..."

 

"Thank the Divine Dragon we're discussing this while it's still daylight," Céline said with a mild shudder.

 

"Curiously, what brought this up?" L'Arachel asked Mercedes.

 

"Well, believe it or not, it's another detail we share in common," Mercedes answered before helping herself to a scone.

 

"I do remember one of your classmates telling us about the creatures you've gone up against," Celica stated.

 

"Yes, the so-called 'demonic beasts', as they were," Maribelle added.

 

"Oh, no, I'm not referring to those," Mercedes clarified. "You see, on my mother's side of the family, multiple generations have hunted down a very particular kind of monster, one that I doubt any of you here have run into in your respective worlds."

 

"Which kind of monster, specifically?" L'Arachel asked.

 

"Vampires," Mercedes answered nonchalantly.

 

Hearing this caused the other six to stare at Mercedes, wide-eyed with astonishment, some with their teacups halfway to their lips when she'd said the word.

 

"...Vampires," Celica repeated flatly.

 

"That is what I said," Mercedes said with a nod.

 

"As in, with the fangs, and the blood-drinking, and the turning into bats--" Céline rattled off.

 

"The very same," Mercedes confirmed.

 

"And they're actually real?" L'Arachel probed further.

 

"Indeed they are," Mercedes said in turn. "In fact, we actually dealt with an infestation of them at the monastery well before any of us were first summoned to Askr."

 

The other six ladies, still wide-eyed, gave each other a brief look before facing Mercedes again, all now beset by a mutual, some would say morbid, curiosity. "Do tell..." Maribelle implored, those not Mercedes nodding affirmatively in conjunction.

 

"Certainly," Mercedes said as she refilled her cup while beginning her tale...

 

Realm-X, Garreg Mach Monastery, 'then'...

 

The month that followed the grand ball at Garreg Mach was a stark contrast in terms of mood. It had begun when a mission to rescue some missing students from a group of demonic beasts in the ruins of an old chapel near the bottom of the monastery had led to the death of Jeralt at the hands of Kronya, an assassin working for 'Those Who Slither in the Dark' who had posed as another missing student, Monica von Ochs; she had fled in the brief chaos that followed, with search teams sent by the Church of Seiros to track her movements. Jeralt's twin children, son Byron and daughter Byleth, both harboring the power and consciousness of the entity Sothis, mourned in their own respective ways and tried to soldier on, given support by the students under their guidance and the staff they worked with, especially Archbishop Rhea (in spite of their growing mistrust of her) and their fellow mercenaries (as well as former professional rivals), the twins Shez and his sister Shayla (both of whom also harboring the power and consciousness of another entity, the strange and mysterious Arval). At one point during the month, an astonishing discovery had been made within the chapel ruins by an investigative unit of the Knights:

 

A girl who appeared to be the real Monica von Ochs, found barely alive in a long box, strangely full of soil.

 

Though wary due to the prior experience with Kronya, after it had been determined that the girl was, in fact, the genuine article, she was nursed back to health in the monastery's infirmary. Though she recovered and was able to move about again, as well as opted to resume her education at the Officer's Academy, how she did so proved to be quite strange to the staff and students. For one thing, she asked to be enrolled in any and all classes that were conducted during the evenings; as a result, nobody saw her at all during the day. Whenever she ate in the dining hall, her meals were almost strictly red meat dishes--the juicier, the better, in her words; curiously, she avoided anything even remotely seasoned with garlic. There was the matter of her supposedly being seen by guards on night watch, wandering about the monastery...and appearing to almost be one with the shadows. Lastly, she could not be found attending services in the main cathedral of the monastery whatsoever. To those in charge, all these could be explained away...however, for one Mercedes von Bartels (nee von Martritz), these behaviors proved to be very, very suspect.

 

Mercedes wouldn't get the chance to present her concerns/theories until stranger events began occurring. Church and academy leadership were notified of a series of disappearances of random individuals from some of the local villages near the monastery. When those same individuals turned up a couple of days later...they were very weak and pale, with no explanation. The ball of weirdness got really rolling when two Church soldiers were found at their posts in the same condition. They were immediately brought to the infirmary, where presently Professors Manuela and Hanneman were examining them. Rhea, Seteth, and two of the top knights, Katherine and Alois, were present to hear the two magic-users' findings.

 

"In all my time practicing medicine, rare is the instance where I can say, without a doubt...that this is a new one on me," Manuela stated.

 

"What can you tell us about their condition?" Rhea asked.

 

"Not much beyond that it is definitely similar to what befell those townspeople who vanished the other week," Hanneman answered as he held up the arm of one of the soldiers. "Extremely pale complexion, significant loss of vitality..."

 

"Not to mention, a substantial decrease in their bloodflow, almost as if they were drained of it," Manuela added as she pointed to a certain area on the other bedridden soldier. "What really puzzles me are the two holes on the neck, which almost look like bite marks from some animal."

 

"What kind of animal is what we're unsure of," Hanneman said. "No insect or spider makes anything that precise."

 

"Maybe some new virulent terror created by the group Solon and Kronya were a part of?" Alois posed.

 

Both professors shook their heads. "We tested for anything resembling the magic they used, and turned up nothing," Hanneman confirmed.

 

It was at that moment that a knock was heard at the infirmary door. "Whoever's there, you'll need to come back later, we're in the middle of something at the moment," Katherine said to shoo away the visitors.

 

"It's all right, Katherine," Rhea said on recognizing said visitors, "let them in."

 

The visitors, as it turned out, were Byron and Byleth, who offered a polite bow to Rhea as they entered, followed by Mercedes.

 

"Is there a reason Miss Bartels is with you?" Seteth asked them, arching a curious eyebrow.

 

"Mercedes is actually the reason we're here," Byron answered.

 

"She says she may be able to offer some insight into what's going on," Byleth added, before nodding to the Blue Lion student.

 

Mercedes returned the nod as she stepped forward to address the combined Church and academic leadership of Garreg Mach. "If I might get a look at the patients for a moment, Professor Manuela? Professor Hanneman?" she asked.

 

The two professors looked to one another briefly before nodding in response as Mercedes then stepped up to one of the beds. She gave the soldier on it a cursory examination, before removing a small bottle of pure water from her pocket, opening it, and pouring a couple of drops onto the two holes on the man's neck. Those not Mercedes found their eyes widening in surprise as they saw the holes appear to burn away while the soldier hissed in pain. For Mercedes, she narrowed her eyebrows as she faced the others. "This definitely confirms it--I'm sorry to say this, Lady Rhea, but it appears that Garreg Mach...has a vampire problem."

 

A few jaws dropped on hearing this, none more so than Alois's. "V-v-vampire?" he uttered mildly fearfully and inquisitively, given how he, like another student in Lysithea of the Golden Deer house, had a fear of ghosts and most things that went bump in the night. "As--as in, that sort of creature that rises from its grave, and sucks the blood of the living...in order to prolong its own unholy existence?!"

 

Seteth, on the other hand, remained skeptical. "You cannot be serious."

 

It was a sentiment echoed by Hanneman. "Young lady, demonic beasts aside, our present understanding of science and magic doesn't admit to such a fanciful creature."

 

Mercedes wasn't so easily deterred. "And no offense, Professor Hanneman, but our, as you describe, 'present understanding' is utter pish-posh in the face of an evil such as this." She looked down at the soldier briefly. "These two lost a significant amount of blood, correct?"

 

"Well, yes," Manuela answered.

 

Mercedes then looked to Katherine and Alois. "Was any of it seen spilled about these two when they were found?"

 

Katherine and Alois looked to one another briefly before the former replied, "Not even a single droplet."

 

Mercedes then faced Hanneman again. "Now, how can our present understanding explain that?" Hanneman moved to respond, only to realize that for once, he didn't have an answer. "Thought so."

 

"You seem to know an awful lot about this sort of thing," Byron noted.

 

"Yes, you could say it's sort of a...family business," Mercedes said in turn. "On the maternal side of my family, specifically. You see, before my mother married the late Baron Martritz, she was the daughter of the head of a minor but well-reknowned house in Faerghus, a Professor Abram von Helsing."

 

The name caught the surprise of both Manuela and Hanneman instantly. "Wait, the Professor von Helsing?" an awestruck Hanneman asked.

 

"Er...is he that famous?" Byleth asked in turn.

 

"He certainly is," Hanneman affirmed. "The man's one of the most well-known metaphysicians and philosophers on the continent."

 

"Also one of the most well-regarded medical doctors," Manuela added, "knowing more about obscure diseases than anyone else. In fact, we used one of his discoveries to cure that 'hate plague' of Solon's that struck Remire Village." She then regarded Mercedes. "And you're saying you're his granddaughter?"

 

"It is indeed the truth," Mercedes stated. "Before we became part of House Bartels, my mother and I stayed with him. I even learned all about the trade from him before I attended the Fhirdiad Royal School of Sorcery. The trade being...vampire hunting." She then faced Rhea before continuing. "Lady Rhea, we'll need to put the monastery on alert. I have knowledge of means by which we can protect the students and civilians within our walls, for make no mistake--come nightfall, the foul thing who did this to these two soldiers will return, to suck on the life-fluid of its next victim...until it has drained them of every last drop. And if they die a victim of this unspeakable creature..." At that moment, an eerie shadow seemed to cover her face as she spoke in an ominous near-whisper. "...they will become one themselves."

 

The group found themselves confused slightly by the last few words, given the way in which Mercedes had spoken them. "Become what?" Byron asked.

 

"They will become one themselves," Mercedes repeated, in the same tone of voice but clear enough to be understood.

 

"Miss Bartels, if this is as serious as you say it is," Rhea began to ask, "what can we do to protect our people from this...fiend, for lack of a better term?"

 

"Professor Hanneman?" Mercedes asked the monocle-wearing crestologist, "among your books, do you have anything on the occult?"

 

"Er, yes, I do," he confirmed.

 

"Anything on folklore from pre-Church times?"

 

"Sorry to say, no."

 

"A copy of The Theory and the Theology of the Evil Undead?"

 

"No."

 

"How about Nosferatu?"

 

"Actually, I do have that one--give me a moment." With that, Hanneman quickly made his way to his office, and soon returned with the book in question. "In fact, I just got it in the monastery's usual delivery rounds today."

 

"If I may see it for a moment?" Mercedes asked, before Hanneman handed her the book, which she then proceeded to flip through until coming to a certain page. "Ah, here's one protection method--'The creature is repelled by garlic. Its purifying effect is anathemic to the tainted soul of the vampire.'" She closed the book before addressing the others. "Therefore, we will need to decorate the monastery with strings of garlic; the greenhouse should be fine, due to the garlic growing there already. I believe we should have enough cloves in the dining hall's kitchen and storerooms to serve our purposes."

 

In the hours that followed, every effort was made to drape strings of garlic cloves on all the vital areas of the monastery--the dormitories, the stables, the entrance hall and knights' hall, the staff offices and classrooms, even the training grounds. As Mercedes noted, the greenhouse was left alone, as was the cathedral due to its status as hallowed ground. Alois, given how superstitious he was, even took to wearing a garland of garlic around his neck at all times. Dorothea of the Black Eagles and Hilda of the Golden Deer wound up going through more perfume than they'd ever worn in their lives, just to avoid the scent.

 

-X-

 

"Hold on--you all actually decorated an entire monastery with garlic?" Celica asked in a slightly disbelieving tone.

 

"Oh, yes, nearly everyone chipped in to help," Mercedes replied. "Within the walls of Garreg Mach, Lady Rhea's words are taken as gospel." Mercedes giggled a bit as she continued. "The whole place reeked of garlic even in the weeks following our dealing with the vampires. But I'm getting ahead of myself..."

 

-X-

 

Finding themselves effectively 'locked' out of the monastery due to the garlic, the 'mystery' vampire (who'd been out secretly bolstering their forces at the time) knew they had to get a bit creative if they wanted to regain their access. Thus, through their hypnotic ability (bolstered by their strong will), they were able to send a lackey they hadn't turned onto the grounds to carry out a simple order: remove the garlic strands. That lackey would be the man known as Pallardo, a notorious thief and con man infamous throughout Fódlan (who surprisingly had a weak will). Pallardo made his way under the cover of night into the administrative offices on the second floor above the entrance hall of the grounds, and was soon removing the garlic from Manuela's quarters. It was while he had at least a couple of lengths around his shoulders that a bit of...curiosity got the better of him upon seeing the sleeping visage of Manuela; giving in to that curiosity, he slowly, quietly lifted the sheets off her bed, a sneaky chuckle escaping his lips. That chuckle proved to be his undoing, for suddenly he found himself dropping the sheets...as he faced the pointed end of Manuela's sword, a nervous sweat trickling down his face.

 

"You know, being a famous opera star, I've encountered my fair share of celebrity-stalkers," a glaring Manuela stated, a sleep mask resting above her eyes. "Being in a position like that, I've learned to always be aware of my surroundings, as well as to be prepared for anything that could happen. Still, as far as stalkers go...you were quite sloppy. GUARDS!" At her shouting, two Church soldiers entered Manuela's quarters and apprehended Pallardo. 

 

Outside, from their position, Pallardo's undead master shook their head resignedly. "*Sigh* Pallardo, you idiot..."

 

Pallardo, called a 'filthy degenerate' by one of the guards, was soon enough dragged to a holding cell on the monastery grounds. "I didn't see anything! I didn't see anything!" he shouted with all the denial he could muster. As soon as his cell door closed, a more lecherous look appeared on his face. "I saw everything," he said with a dismissive handwave and a raspy, slightly-perverse chuckle.

 

Back with the vampire, they decided to change tactics and employ someone--perhaps a couple of someones--on the inside of the monastery grounds this time. Reaching out with their hypnotic voice, they stirred awake both Caspar of the Black Eagles and Raphael of the Golden Deer. The two students, now in a trance, were commanded to exit their dorm rooms...though not without complications, after they accidentally walked into the closets of their respective rooms due to said order being simply to open the door. Once outside, the mystery vampire gave them a new command.

 

"Now...walk to the dorm entrance," they ordered. Caspar and Raphael complied, walking stiltedly towards the entrance in question. "Look out for that--" the vampire attempted to warn, only to watch, dumbfounded, as Caspar and Raphael tripped on an object in their path. "--barrel." The vampire rolled their eyes a little before resuming their control of the two students. "Stand up, both of you." Both complied. "Walk to the dorm entrance." Unfortunately, Caspar was facing said entrance while Raphael was facing the opposite direction; thus, when both walked, they immediately bumped into each other and fell back down. "*Ugh*," the vampire uttered as they gave themselves a facepalm. The vampire then took a couple of deep breaths and counted slowly to ten before trying again. "All right--both of you, stand up and face the dorm entrance." Caspar and Raphael complied. "Now, exit the dorm." The two then walked through the doorway at the same time, only to get stuck in the space. "Oh, for the love of--step back from the entrance." The two squeezed out as they complied. "Now, exit the dorm, single-file." The two did as ordered. "Much better. Now--go around and collect all the garlic strands, and do so quietly. Once finished, go back to sleep." At that order, both Caspar and Raphael went to carry it out, beginning with removing the garlic decorating the dorms. "*Sigh* Why is good help so hard to find these days...?" the vampire muttered to themselves.

 

Hours later, as morning fell upon the monastery, those who lived within its walls, while getting ready for the day, found themselves gobsmacked by an unusual sight that greeted them near the main door of the entrance hall:

 

An enormous pile of garlic, with Caspar and Raphael, still in their sleep clothes, snoozing on top of it.

 

"...Well, there's something you don't see every day," Claude, house leader of the Golden Deer, stated as he rubbed his head absent-mindedly.

 

Shez and Shayla gave each other a brief look before then trading looks with the others. "So...who's gonna wake them up?" Shayla asked.

 

It was another Golden Deer student (and #1 Jeralt fangirl), Leonie, who stepped up. "Caspar should be easy enough, but Raphael's a pretty heavy sleeper. So, we'll need to take the delicate approach in order to get them both up at the same time..." With that, she pulled out from somewhere on her person a metal triangle with its stick and began clanging it, causing the others (startled by the sudden ringing) to cover their ears; if some weren't fully awake then, they certainly were now, especially when it came to one Linhardt von Hevring of the Black Eagles, much to his chagrin. "UP AND AT 'EM! ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BREAKFAST BUFFET IN THE DINING HALL! GET IT WHILE IT'S HOT...!" Leonie shouted as loudly as she could.

 

The words 'all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet' were enough to cause both Caspar and Raphael to bolt upright and wide awake. "Who-what-where-how--?!" both briskly uttered, until they both realized they were being stared at by a lot of people.

 

"Uh, morning, guys," Caspar greeted with a hint of confusion.

 

Raphael then looked at their present surroundings before confusion came upon him as well. "...Why am I on top of a mountain of garlic?"

 

Shamir, one of the mercenary knights on the Church's payroll, stepped forward to question the two boys. "You really don't know what happened?" the green-jacketed sniper asked, her face impassive as usual. "Somehow, the two of you, in the middle of the night, managed to collect all the garlic we decorated the monastery grounds with."

 

Both students' eyes widened as they looked at the pile beneath them. "We seriously did all this?" Caspar asked in turn, he and Raphael pointing to each other.

 

Byron and Byleth looked to one another, exchanged a mutual nod, and looked to Seteth and the rest of the church and academy leadership. "We believe they didn't do this on purpose," Byron affirmed.

 

"Neither has been known to sleepwalk," Byleth added, "and even if they did, they wouldn't deliberately set out to take down all the garlic in their unconscious state."

 

"Which can only mean..." Mercedes put forward, "someone or something controlled them from afar."

 

"We'll deliberate on this later," Seteth stated as he then looked over the mix of students and staff. "In the meantime, I believe everyone should go get your breakfast before your classes start. Let's not let this little oddity distract us from our regularly-scheduled school day." He then turned and headed off to get the custodial staff to gather the garlic up and return it to the kitchens.

 

A few of the students, as they dispersed, said a few other things to Caspar and Raphael before going any further. "Uh, guys, could you do us a favor?" Ignatz of the Golden Deer asked.

 

"Sure, what is it?" Raphael replied inquisitively.

 

"You might want to shower and get changed before you join us in the dining hall," Ingrid of the Blue Lions answered while waving her hand in front of her nose. "No offense, but you smell like a batch of my mother's home-baked bialys."

 

A beatific look then appeared on Raphael's face on hearing that. "Mmm--bialys..."

 

End of Part 1 of 3.

Edited August 15, 2023 by Aior0sS@ggitar!us