Defeatist Elitist Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Go ahead, tear me a new asshole, just make sure I can use that asshole for a good purpose! Story thread here: http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=13377 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Florete Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 “Maybe that's because because you look like you belong in some fat nobles harem,”he looked back at her, muttering something that she couldn't hear under her breath. Corrections in bold. Other than those, I didn't notice any obvious mistakes instead of a few misplaced commas. pleaded Alice pleadingly Something about this just didn't quite click with me... I liked how you opened. The way you described the night and Alice was intriguing. I'm left wondering what will happen next, so keep writing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Magical CC Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 (edited) The second English story I read. Your style, somehow, very familiar and yet, it quite strange. I cant say your story is a amazing story, but I can surely say that, your story it not bad either. Your grammar, it's good but due to my lack of grammar, I cant say it's very good. The lengh itself is suit for for me, but maybe, the others may think that your story is rather short or rather long In the end, you can take my words seriously but, it's your freedom to think that I am talking nonsense Edited February 17, 2009 by Sulley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Defeatist Elitist Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 Corrections in bold. Other than those, I didn't notice any obvious mistakes instead of a few misplaced commas.Something about this just didn't quite click with me... I liked how you opened. The way you described the night and Alice was intriguing. I'm left wondering what will happen next, so keep writing. Oh crap, missed those, I'll go back and fix them now, thanks. :D The second English story I read. Your style, somehow, very familiar and yet, it quite strange. I cant say your story is a amazing story, but I can surely say that, your story it not bad either. Your grammar, it's good but due to my lack of grammar, I cant say it's very good. The lengh itself is suit for for me, but maybe, the others may think that your story is rather short or rather long In the end, you can take my words seriously but, it's your freedom to think that I am talking nonsense Thanks, although this is actually part of a longer story. I mean, its kind of like Chapter 1. I guess I wasn't too clear about that. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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