The Lycia Times

[Sain_FEH]

So I work at a newspaper, so I figured, why not write up news articles about goings on in Fire Emblem for hilarious effects? So I decided to start the Lycia Times, where I'll go ahead and write up a news article picking at something in Fire Emblem from time to time. Hope you enjoy!

Women sue Caelin cavalier in paternity dispute

By MARK TACTICIAN

The Lycia Times

CAELIN — A group of new mothers have filed a class-action lawsuit against a Lycian cavalier known for his frequent womanizing.

Thirty women have banded together to bring suit against Sain, a social knight in service to Lord Hausen, alleging he has fathered children with them and is refusing to pay child support costs, which could total up to 1.2 million gold.

Sain, a known womanizer, has denied the charges vehemently.

“Yes, it is true that my heart been taken by many lovely maidens throughout my years of service to this house,” he said. “But the truth is, I have been repeatedly and completely shut down in all of my attempts to attract any beautiful lady. It is impossible that I am the father of these children.”

The 30 women state in their class-action suit that within the last year and a half, the cavalier had fathered a least one child with each of them. All of the women have contacted Sain repeatedly asking for child support money to raise their babies.

“My heart goes out to them and their struggle as single mothers, but I am not the father to their precious younglings,” Sain said.

“These allegations are very serious,” said the women’s lawyer, Maury Muhney. “Not only has this promiscuous knight fathered illegitimate children, but he has refused to pay his part for the children he has since abandoned. These are very serious charges and I hope a judge will bring justice to these women he has hurt.”

The case is set to go to trial in November, giving both sides ample time to prepare evidence and witness lists.

One major aspect of the trial will focus around the green knight’s womanizing versus his actual success rate.

“People don’t seem to understand that while Sain talks a lot and swoons all over every woman he sees no matter what she looks like, he strikes out every time he goes out,” said close friend and fellow Caelin knight, Kent. “I’ve actually never seen him with a woman. Usually they just roll their eyes and walk away. If Sain had actually been with a woman, I’m sure I would have heard of it. And I haven’t.”

“I can’t picture any girl tolerating him long enough to actually have a child with him, even if it only took one night,” said archer of Pherae, Rebecca. “He tried that song and dance on me, and like everyone else, I cold-shouldered him as soon as I could. And he backed off. He’s aggressive but he’s not stupid, he knows when to abandon it and move on.

“I have a hard time believing that these allegations against him are actually true,” she continued. “I mean he’s a great person to point the finger at, but I really doubt he actually did it.”

Edited August 27, 2008 by Arteris

[Metal Rabbit]

I lol'd... >_>

[_____]

Epic win. XD

[Sain_FEH]

Thanks for looking. Here's today's news story.

Local merchant targeted in repeated vandalism

By MARK TACTICIAN

The Lycia Times

PHERAE — It’s hard enough to make ends meat in the commercial business, but even harder when bandits are tearing down the shop.

It’s the plight of a local traveling merchant, Merlinus, who has become a repeated target of hostile vandalism while trying to operate his tent-based shop. In the past three weeks, bandits and enemy soldiers have torn down his tent and smashed his goods eight times, leaving the merchant frustrated and demanding better protection.

“I’m just trying to organize supplies and provide my services to Marquess Pherae’s son and the people of the land, but I have to constantly deal with bandits,” Merlinus raved. “I’m just a humble merchant, I can’t fight and my operations can only take so many blows before they’ll pound me out of business.”

Merlinus said that often these enemies seem to “appear out of nowhere” near his tent, and within a few moments are battering down his tent. They seem unwilling to kill him, only to stop him from conducting business. He is suspicious that these attackers may have been hired by local competitors to run him out of business.

Merlinus has called out local police authorities and the guards of the garrisons, stating that they are utterly and absolutely failing in their duty to the people. The merchant has received some backlash, though, from the authorities.

“Look, it’s not my job to protect every idiot out there,” said Santaruz guard captain Protec Tandserve. “If he’s going to set up his shop in the middle of the battlefield, I say he deserves what’s coming to him. I’m not going to send my men out into needless danger to protect him while he’s sorting swords and spears.”

A prisoner in Pherae’s dungeons, who was arrested on charges of armed robbery and assault and plans to plead guilty, said the merchant was an “easy target.”

“He’s alone, unprotected and carrying all of the troop’s wealth — why wouldn’t I attack him?” said former bandit Smash Anbash.

Although traveling with Marquess Pherae’s son, Eliwood, the noble said it’s hard to look after Merlinus all the time when they’re fighting the enemy before them.

“I appreciate his hard work he’s doing pro-bono for us,” Eliwood said. “Unfortunately, it’s hard to sacrifice a fighter to stay back and protect him. I can only justify fielding so many warriors in a battle and usually I need each one of them to battle the enemy.”

“And nobody wants to stand around and guard fancy-pants when we could be out axing something,” added renowned axeman Bartre.

Merlinus has told Eliwood he’s planning to build a cart so he can keep up with the army as it moves, but has problems assembling the vehicle with bandits destroying his work.

“It’s frustrating,” Merlinus said. “I just don’t know what to do anymore. I just wish someone would stay and guard my humble tent and help stop these crazy vandals.”

Edited August 28, 2008 by Arteris

[Hibari]

Brilliant!

[Sain_FEH]

Axeman tests positive for steroids

By MARK TACTICIAN

The Lycia Times

A Lycian axeman has tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in the latest round of random drug testing.

Bartre the Brave, who has been serving Marquess Pherae’s son Eliwood on campaign, has been cited after a random drug test Thursday afternoon. Bartre, who had been noted before for his amazing strength growths, said he has no idea how it may have happened.

“I have never, ever, taken ‘roids,” Bartre said in a press conference. “I don’t need that (expletive). All of this is all natural.”

When asked how the tests came up positive, he only responded with, “Well, we’ve heard of poison swords and stuff those bandits and crap use, maybe they’re lacing their blades with ‘roids or something, how the (expletive) should I know?”

“The tests don’t lie,” said drug tester Clemen Rogers. “No matter how hard you deny it and how much you lie, the fact is he’s on steroids.”

The fighter has been known to go on streaks of smashing things, yelling loudly and getting a little bit crazy, said residents of his hometown. While some suspect those are signs of steroid rage, there are others within his company who say they can’t believe these allegations.

“I don’t think Bartre’s the kind of guy to shoot up with steroids,” said Marquess Ostia’s younger brother, Hector. “Usually when he sees anything even closely resembling a spear, say for example, a steroid needle, he just shouts and chops it in half with an axe.

“Just because he’s get fired up and axes things doesn’t mean he’s on steroids, either,” Hector continued. “A lot of people would describe me as exhibiting the same behaviors, and my tests have always come back clean. It’s just the way he is.”

Ostian officials are considering whether or not to charge Bartre with possession and use of steroids. The drug task force will continue to interview people who know the axeman and search his residence, which he has willingly and openly agreed to, to determine if or when he was using the illegal substances.

Bartre has said he will not field any more questions on the matter, and all inquires have been forwarded to his scholarly attorney, Canas.

“There have been mistakes made in the past,” said the monocle-wearing counsel. “These tests are helpful but they are not perfect. Mistakes may have been made here and we’re not going to make any movements until we have a determination of the facts.”

[Hibari]

Clemen Rogers...I see what you did there.

Nice Work.

[Wist]

These stories are well presented and a lot of fun to read. Good job, Arteris.

[Sain_FEH]

Captain arrested on charges of endangerment

By MARK TACTICIAN

The Lycia Times

BADON - Authorities have arrested a Lycian sea captain after he reportedly ordered members of his crew to engage in a fight to the death.

Captain Fargus was taken into custody this morning and is facing more than 10 counts of reckless endangerment after ordering his crew to fight Marquess Pherae’s son and his companions to the death to determine if they were worthy of passage on his vessel.

Fargus was taken to the Ostia Jail, where he was being held without bond. Police placed the captain into a safety padded room, since jailors were concerned that mental instability may lead the captain to harm himself.

“Mooncalves! You’re all a bunch of mooncalves!” Fargus shouted as authorities placed him under arrest and too him away.

Several members of the captain’s crew were reported dead after the engagement with Lord Eliwood’s troops. While noted pirate fighters, the troops were unable to handle the superior tactics of Eliwood’s unit, which divided and conquered the enemies.

Other bodies were located at the scene, but were not among Fargus’ pirates. Authorities are looking into the identities of the other men, who are suspected members of the criminal outfit Black Fang.

“These deaths could have been easily avoided,” said prosecutor Jus Tice. “There was no reason for this battle to take place. A simple transaction of money or goods could have been exchanged for passage to the isle of Balor. Instead, this captain forced his men to fight to the death and now several pirate families will not see the return of their husbands and fathers.”

Fargus’s counsel Didin Doit told the media that he will be obtaining psychiatric reviews of his client and will likely plan on fielding an insanity defense when the case makes it to court.

“Obviously my client has mental disorders,” Doit said. “We will be conducting some exams and will make sure that the courts do not slap this poor, aged man with an ungodly sentence.”

“He always has been a bit off-kilter,” said Fargus’s suicide squad leader Dart. “He originally asked them for 100,000 gold, but then changed his mind on a whim and decided the battle would be a more fitting test.

“We lost a lot of good men out there today but had a good time too,” he said. “It actually is a part of the contract that you may die pointlessly at any point in time.”

After reviewing the contracts, each pirate is bound to serve for at least one year and is warned that “a horrible and untimely death is completely possible and probable while serving under Captain Fargus.” These contracts could be another major playing card in the defense of Fargus.

“It’s ludicrous to even consider that wording,” said Doit when asked about the contract. “The fact that this captain has included such a statement in the contract is further admitting that he is putting this people’s lives in danger constantly and for no good reason.”

The police briefly detained Eliwood and his company for questioning, but determined that they were only acting in self defense in the situation. The encounter has left the group a bit shaken.

“Now how are we supposed to get Balor when they’ve arrested Fargus?” asked Hector, Marquess Ostia’s younger brother.

“I’m never going to find my father,” Eliwood said mournfully.

Edited September 2, 2008 by Arteris

[_____]

WIN.

[Not Changed by VASM :(]

I love this...