Kitsuneko Posted March 1, 2014 Share Posted March 1, 2014 I find it's a little sad that as I scroll through my skype page and remember that through the years, I've always been very good at making enemies. I thought I fixed up this habit of mine at the end of my high school years, when I decided to keep the innate aggression that's just part of who I am in check, but even at then I often ended up making friends with the wrong people, and eventually I would grow to become enemies with those people too, despite the effort it took me to hold myself in. So returning to my skype page, I notice that a good number of people have deleted me from their skype, and I can't help but remember some dramatic moments where I was basically told to GTFO, when a lot of it is me just trying to stand up for myself and trying to protect who I am. Some former people who I would talk to for long periods of time about useless trivia just to keep talking to them were there, and people who I shared a lot of memories with are now just ? on the page. It's a little painful for my heart to take, in all honesty. Just last month, I've been kicked banned out of a forum run by a former friend although I hadn't broken any official rules, with the only real reason listed that I was being 'smug' when I just returned after a 6 month hiatus (though that was caused by drama and picking sides, as well...). I've been kicked out of many chat circles, and just a few weeks ago I got kicked out from an art class because my personality clashed with the instructor. I never did anything to personally offend any of these people (although I may have unintentionally done it), but whenever they put pressure on me and started mistreating me, I began standing up for myself because I'm just sick and tired of taking people's shit. Is it too much to just ask that as friends, we support each other and rely on each other rather than put each other down and abuse one another?! I guess I'm doing better now, because I've found friends who I can honestly share my true feelings with, and people who I'm not afraid to be myself in front of, but even then it kind of hurts like hell. Of all these broken relationships I've created over the years, I've only made up with one of them with an ex. I find it really heartbreaking, because a part of me really wants to reconcile with most of these people who I was close to, but when I talk to middlemen parties it just seems like people either don't change or won't accept that other people to change. What are your thoughts on this? Do you have similar experiences that you'd like to share? It would comfort me if I'm not the only one who's experienced things like this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted March 1, 2014 Share Posted March 1, 2014 "When you're constantly smelling shit, check the bottom of your shoe." You're either choosing the wrong people to hang around, or you need to re-examine what you want/what you can offer in any sort of relationship (romantic or otherwise). These are CHOICES, and something that you can control. The first step to change begins with the desire to do so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitsuneko Posted March 1, 2014 Author Share Posted March 1, 2014 "When you're constantly smelling shit, check the bottom of your shoe." You're either choosing the wrong people to hang around, or you need to re-examine what you want/what you can offer in any sort of relationship (romantic or otherwise). These are CHOICES, and something that you can control. The first step to change begins with the desire to do so. Sure enough, I've definitely made many poor decisions when it came to choosing friends in the past... My ability to properly esteem people is still rather poor, but even if that skill has been a little shaky, I've always been doing my best to improve as a human being and as a friend to those around me, and I have (or had...) a principle of having absolute loyalty to my true friends, and I've always done what I can to support the people I was supposed to care about. Most of the time though, the effort wasn't reciprocated, and I was actually abused because of how willing I was to do things to help my friends. So I think you're definitely right in that I've made poor choices concerning who to be friends with. I used to think of friendships as a sort of you get what you give kind of thing, so I've always done my best to be there for my friends, and to support them whenever I can. I expected the same thing in return, but it rarely worked the way I wanted to. Since a load of circumstances as of late boosted my confidence to very high levels, I've changed my approach and instead have just been focusing on being a fun, interesting, and approachable person who isn't afraid to express himself that people would want to be around, and for whatever reason it's been working out great. This only works in real life, though... And there's no telling what the long term effects will be at this point. Growing up, the internet really helped shape me into who I am a great deal, and I don't want to just let all the memories of the people I met over the years go away, even if we did fall off. Part of me just can't let go of the fact that I had so many people who I was so close to, and that most of them not only drifted away but also did so in a very violent clash with me. Maybe I shouldn't have made friends with them in the first place but I can't help but think that everyone - even the people who have hurt me - have their good sides too. It's really naive of me to say this, but I want to see the good sides of them again, and to be the one to hopefully bring them out, no matter what sort of trauma we went through in the past. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted March 1, 2014 Share Posted March 1, 2014 Lesson the second: Don't go into a relationship with the intent of changing the other person(s) - it rarely ends well. You can change things pertaining to yourself - that's all. How other people take it/their actions is out of your hands. It might help if you step back and take a look at how someone who didn't know your motivations would view your actions - you might see confidence, someone else might see arrogance. Remember that we often judge ourselves based on our motivation and others based on their actions. Lastly. . .you can't please everyone. See if that helps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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