Roy: Marquess of Pherae Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 You need to stop behaving like you're a victim here. Sometimes, relationships simply don't work. She made a good move in ending it, as opposed to somehow forcing it to keep being a thing. She lost interest. There's no point in trying to keep it afloat. It'll happen to you. It'll happen to her. Whatever. Also, don't bring the firnedzone or whatever into this. That is a meaningless word. Especially considering the fact that you were in a relationship with this girl. She won't settle for being strangers, though. She will keep talking to me and it's going to make everything feel worse and worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rewjeo Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Have you tried talking to her about it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roy: Marquess of Pherae Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 Have you tried talking to her about it? I don't really know what to say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peener weener Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 She won't settle for being strangers, though. She will keep talking to me and it's going to make everything feel worse and worse. You missed the point. I don't really know what to say. That should've been step one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krevin Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 ...You came to the internet before talking to her about it? Come on guy, you gotta set priorities. As far as her continuing to talk to you, do everything you can to minimize that without being a dick. Obviously if she says hi be cordial and polite, but do NOT text her (or Facebook message her, or IM her or snapchat her or kik her or whatever else kids are doing these days), don't call her, don't go out of your way to talk to her or spend time one on with her. That is, if you don't want to still have her around you all the time. But if you're not okay with being friends with her you shouldn't be dating her, that's setting yourself up for failure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FionordeQuester Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 (edited) ...You came to the internet before talking to her about it? Come on guy, you gotta set priorities. As far as her continuing to talk to you, do everything you can to minimize that without being a dick. Obviously if she says hi be cordial and polite, but do NOT text her (or Facebook message her, or IM her or snapchat her or kik her or whatever else kids are doing these days), don't call her, don't go out of your way to talk to her or spend time one on with her. That is, if you don't want to still have her around you all the time. But if you're not okay with being friends with her you shouldn't be dating her, that's setting yourself up for failure. I would go for the opposite actually. That very girl I was interested in...I know she loved me as a friend, and was an extremely good person, yet still never really gave me an indication one way or another until after I asked her, 7 months after she had kissed me on the cheek at prom, about whether or not she was interested in me. I mean, a few days after said prom, she told me that we weren't boyfriend or girlfriend when I asked if it was ok to tell people that that was the case, but nothing stronger than that. I dunno, girls are very weirdly indirect about that (though my friend at least never told me we were together), and I think it's because they're afraid they'll lose their friend when they tell them it's over. So if you were to all of a sudden stop contacting her, I think that would really, REALLY hurt her feelings. I would, instead, make it clear that you still really value and love her as a friend, even if a romance isn't on the cards. That's almost exactly what she said to me a few days after I had asked her whether she was interested in me. And if you're worried that your memories together will haunt you too much if you try to hang out with her regularly, I can tell you that the feelings of hurt and loss don't last for very long at all. Eventually, after around a month, it just fades away into a tiny ember, buried under so much ash. So you and her will be just fine as friends, if that's what you're worried about. Edited March 10, 2014 by FionordeQuester Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunwoo Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 I dunno, girls are very weirdly indirect about that (though my friend at least never told me we were together), and I think it's because they're afraid they'll lose their friend when they tell them it's over. So if you were to all of a sudden stop contacting her, I think that would really, REALLY hurt her feelings. I would, instead, make it clear that you still really value and love her as a friend, even if a romance isn't on the cards. That's almost exactly what she said to me a few days after I had asked her whether she was interested in me. Please don't generalize all girls in this manner, because it's not just girls who can be "weirdly indirect". I can tell you with certainty that there are some girls who WILL be very direct about their feelings and don't waste time "beating around the bush", and that there are some guys who are "weirdly indirect". To the OP: breakups happen. If she feels the spark has died, then what can do you? Continue to be her friend, don't cut her out entirely. The hurt will go away. There will be other girls in the future. And there will be relationships in which you feel the spark has died and you are the one breaking up with the girl. It's life. It's normal to feel emotional about this, but the problem comes when people let their emotions override their logic. Don't treat yourself like the victim. Don't ask why "people are this way". It's better for her to be honest with you rather than try to avoid the issue or start seeing someone else while you guys are still "together". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skynstein Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 I did it once, because some circumstances made me lose interest. When it happens, it may happen that we miss the good things about that person if we're still alone, but I ended the relationship back then because I wasn't sure I loved her that much, and I also felt she wasn't sure either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edza90 Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 If you get a problem, be like Leaf of Thracia 776: Advance! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bonesaw Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 people like SN have pretty much nit the hail on the head but i think it's also worth noting that this kid is like 15 and this is probably his first break up and this is a lot of adult advice being put down here to put it simply- this is how relationships work. it hurts. but she was respectable enough to simply end it. in return, be respectful of her decision. that's really all there is to it. it's going to hurt for probably weeks but at risk of being callous- you'll get over it. again, that's just how this stuff works. keep your chin up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rehab Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 This all might seem pretty heavy, and I imagine you might be picking up some conflicting messages about it, maybe more than you were expecting. I'd like to add that it's okay to feel confused about this stuff, to not know what the right answer is immediately, and to feel frustrated when you're trying to reconcile the expectations and feelings of other people with your own. I had my first relationship at a couple years older than you're at now, and I still don't have all that stuff totally balanced in my head (if that's possible to do), so for the record I definitely don't think you should be ashamed for having a relationship where things went a way you didn't like or understand. You have a lot of space and time to figure things out, so you don't have to stress if you don't get it (or don't get over it) right this minute. It's natural to feel hurt right about now, and it's possible to address the confusion as an opportunity to grow as a person. Of course, I think that when you run into some problems with any relationship, it's good and natural to do both some self-reflection and some examining of where the other side seems to be coming from, but in doing so I've sometimes found that, speaking just for me personally, it can either be uncomfortably easy to either get really down on myself afterwards, or so defensive that it suddenly feels impossible to find somebody who really seems like they can sympathize. Often when something like that starts to become the case, I've found that it can help me return to "normal" to think of things like this: Both your and your friends' feelings are valid. I know, it sounds platitudey and unhelpful, but everything else put aside, you both have feelings about this that can't be counted on to change easily, so you both deserve to have each other take both sides into account. I'm obviously not the first here to say that you should accept her feelings, but in turn, you should be able to say to her, like, "hey, the way things are right now is confusing me, and I feel kinda hurt/lost interacting with you." If she agrees to explain her feelings/point of view any more than she has, and/or you end up talking things out in a way that makes you more comfortable, great! If not, you're justified in saying, like, "I'd rather not talk right now, then, being around you kind of hurts." The closer you can honestly cut to the core of the problem without imposing conditions on either yourself or her, the better. Basically, respecting your friend's point of view and position is never itself a bad thing, but you shouldn't have to treat your own feelings as any less than you would anybody else's in doing so. Meaning, you shouldn't feel obligated to stick around in any capacity if doing so inevitably makes you feel like garbage. I think it's good that you're trying to find and figure out the best way to do things that you can, here, by the way. You'll make it through, I promise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FionordeQuester Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Indeed! I second all of Rehab's first paragraph! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jiodi Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Sounds like she digs someone else and doesn't know how to say it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roy: Marquess of Pherae Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 Thank you, all of you. I know I'm young and you think I don't know any better, but I really am trying. Whether it be thinking about it, not thinking about it, accepting it, or finding a distraction. I don't feel any different because she keeps looking at me.It's taking all of my strength right now not to walk up to her and tell her to "stop looking at me, your making this harder for me. I know your confused too right now, but I can't deal with this drama every day. Be with me, or leave me alone." You don't have to tell me not to say that. I know better. But thanks for the open help. I agree, talking about it sometimes feels much more comforting. I don't want you all to think I'm a whiny teenager, but I believe trying to do something about this is better than accepting this terrible mood every day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rewjeo Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 Well, I wouldn't say it like that, but, well, saying that more eloquently might be the best way to deal with this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phoenix Wright Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 (edited) Thank you, all of you. I know I'm young and you think I don't know any better, but I really am trying. Whether it be thinking about it, not thinking about it, accepting it, or finding a distraction. I don't feel any different because she keeps looking at me. It's taking all of my strength right now not to walk up to her and tell her to "stop looking at me, your making this harder for me. I know your confused too right now, but I can't deal with this drama every day. Be with me, or leave me alone." You don't have to tell me not to say that. I know better. But thanks for the open help. I agree, talking about it sometimes feels much more comforting. I don't want you all to think I'm a whiny teenager, but I believe trying to do something about this is better than accepting this terrible mood every day. your best course of action might very well be that you tell her you can't speak with her anymore because of how much it hurts you, and perhaps you could remain friends after some time has passed and all is forgotten, or never really speak again. Edited March 11, 2014 by Phoenix Wright Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CT075 Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 (edited) having recently gone through a breakup myself in a sort of similar fashion (this was about two months ago and she was nicer about it though) and being closer to your age than most of the people here (disclaimer: i am 16 years old and really have no fucking idea what i'm doing either) i guess my advice would be to just try and find something else to distract yourself with. i'm not gonna just tell you to get over it and move on because shit man i got dumped two months ago and i'm still not over it so i know that it's tough just like find something to do when you start feeling down. something preferably physically active that you can focus on that doesn't require a lot of mental activity. i personally just started taking time to go outside and take a longish walk, i know one of my friends starts to clean his room obsessively. it definitely helps. Edited March 11, 2014 by CT075 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dondon151 Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 your best course of action might very well be that you tell her you can't speak with her anymore because of how much it hurts you, and perhaps you could remain friends after some time has passed and all is forgotten, or never really speak again. phrase it better than "i can't speak with you any more," but the general point is good. you have power over your actions but not so much over your feelings, so it's not a bad thing to feel depressed, regretful, or even a little resentful - those feelings will fall away with time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roy: Marquess of Pherae Posted March 11, 2014 Author Share Posted March 11, 2014 Well now she just awkwardly stares at me and acts extra happy around others so now I don't have the slightest clue as to what's going on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CT075 Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 aha i definitely feel you (unfortunately i have about as much of a clue as you do) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dondon151 Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 if it helps at all, she is probably going through the same, or similar, emotions and feelings that you are going through. empathy is important here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FionordeQuester Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 Sounds like guilt to me. Either that, or she has no clue how to handle this. Actually, now that I think about it, if you're able, you should talk to her parents, and see what they have to say. They might be able to give you some insight into her thought process right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phoenix Wright Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 uhhhh, no. definitely don't speak to her parents. speak to your own parents if you're comfortable with it, they might be able to shed some light. i still recommend talking to her, though. tell her what's on your mind, and let her tell you what she's thinking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peener weener Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 (edited) Sounds like guilt to me. Either that, or she has no clue how to handle this. Actually, now that I think about it, if you're able, you should talk to her parents, and see what they have to say. They might be able to give you some insight into her thought process right now.No, why would you do thisAnyway bro, everyone keeps telling you to taalk to her. You really should. It mught hurt but you'll understand her, hopefully, and the whole thing will have closure. Edited March 11, 2014 by Stolypin Necktie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roy: Marquess of Pherae Posted March 11, 2014 Author Share Posted March 11, 2014 Leaving for school soon. Not looking forward to this... I can't let her slow me down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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