TLSothe Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 (edited) EDIT: Damn... Edited October 12, 2008 by Ivan Lysen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xanatha Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 I wonder how they shall defeat him... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 (edited) Since there is no point trying to argue over some points I can think off, I'll stick to asking a few simple questions and comments: 1) Emoticons, what is the deal with them? I have no other way of saying this: it seems like a very lazy, cheapskate thing to do. This is meant to be a story, not a chat room. 2) This: .________________________. Why? Is that another Emoticon or something? Whatever the reason, it is really unneeded. 3) Ellipsis: Ocelot: ......*He turns around to leave. Hexblade’s arm comes back through the portal and pulls him back.* Wah! Firstly, you are using too many dots, three is the correct number (not including the full stop if said ellipsis follows one). And secondly, why does the ellipsis come before the stage direction? Is it to indicate a pause before action (If so, it would be better to say so in the actual direction) Or did you misplace it, in which case that line should be: Ocelot: *He turns around to leave. Hexblade’s arm comes back through the portal and pulls him back.* ...Wah! 4) Exesscive amounts of exclamation marks. For example: Ocelot: DAMMIT!!!! Three is acceptable, anymore is just a waste. 5) When you note the setting at the start of a scene, for example: *Workshop.* It would not hurt to give a bit more description, because a Worshop could have any number of appearances or atmospheres. That's all I can be bothered to say for now. I am hoping that you will improve your style in the future, good luck. P.S: I have this feeling that because this member and his story are popular, that I am going to be getting a backlash from my comments. For this reason, I ask not to respond to my post unless you can provide a good explination or a proper counterpoint. I will not hesitiate to report any posts that attack me, or my right to post in criticim. Edited October 12, 2008 by Shuuda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xanatha Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 P.S: I have this feeling that because this member and his story are popular, that I am going to be getting a backlash from my comments. For this reason, I ask not to respond to my post unless you can provide a good explination or a proper counterpoint. I will not hesitiate to report any posts that attack me, or my right to post in criticim. Actually, I think it's good that you comment stories this way. I know I got a little outburst last, and for that, I apologize. I just think that pointing out that people use too many exclamination marks or dots is quite unnessecary, since that is stuff which you learn in first grade and probably know. ...Just don't care about in topics like these. But for someone like me, who is from Sweden and might want to start writing one day, it's just good to lean about the recemblances and differences between different languages. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted October 12, 2008 Author Share Posted October 12, 2008 Not really, I appreciate feedback. But all of those are really based on preference to my style of writing rather than the story itself. With the exception of the workshop one. But even then, it's a workshop. Nothing too special about it. So I let the readers paint their own image. Better to do that then to make a half baked image and have them confused. Plus I was feeling lazy. ^_^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Rabbit Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 I've read the first 6 chapters, and it's certainly interesting enough to hold my attention and not make me go back to reread. There aren't too many things that do that. This aura concept is cool, did you think of that on your own? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Masu Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 I've read the first 6 chapters, and it's certainly interesting enough to hold my attention and not make me go back to reread. There aren't too many things that do that.This aura concept is cool, did you think of that on your own? yeah he brought it up in his last story(though i dont remember the people ACTUALLY using it) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TLSothe Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 Shuuda, he can use a thousand dots if he wants. Ditto with Exclamations, and emoticons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted October 13, 2008 Author Share Posted October 13, 2008 I've read the first 6 chapters, and it's certainly interesting enough to hold my attention and not make me go back to reread. There aren't too many things that do that.This aura concept is cool, did you think of that on your own? Good God....Arc is reading my story? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH ARC?!?! YOU BOT BASTARD!!!! Then again, the bot might not be so bad... And yeah. I came up with the whole aura concept on my own. But I've based it on principles from animes and such. I even worked it so that some of the concepts can apply to such animes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 Shuuda, he can use a thousand dots if he wants. Ditto with Exclamations, and emoticons. Sure he can, in complete ignorance of punctuation rules that is. What is the point in using thousands of dots and exclamation marks, when the proper amount would mean the exact same thing, but shorter to write. As for emoticons, like I said earlier: it makes the story look more like a chat room conversation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted October 13, 2008 Author Share Posted October 13, 2008 Sure he can, in complete ignorance of punctuation rules that is. What is the point in using thousands of dots and exclamation marks, when the proper amount would mean the exact same thing, but shorter to write. As for emoticons, like I said earlier: it makes the story look more like a chat room conversation. You bring up good points. But, this isn't a professional story. My main objective is to get across an idea of how the character is feeling in that situation. Obviously if I was doing this for a serious thing, I wouldn't be using such things. But for the purpose of telling a story here, I think they add well. Or well enough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted October 13, 2008 Author Share Posted October 13, 2008 (edited) I was actually really proud of this fight. It's kinda long, but I hope you enjoy it. ^_^ New Episode: No bones about it! Skral: *He glances over the three challengers from left to right.* (Clearly Hexblade will be the most difficult. And he’ll clearly take on most of the battle. The other two will probably just be here for interference.) *He glances at the person farthest to the left.* (Still, that one’s curious. I can’t sense his aura at all. There’s no purpose in hiding it if I can see him right in front of me....) Ocelot: .....He’s looking at me...This guy’s freaking me out, can we kill him already? Hexblade: Let him make the first move. Skral: *Ignoring Ocelot and Hexblade’s remarks, he looks at the person in front of him.* (He’s probably expecting me to go for him first. Which would benefit him so he wouldn’t have to worry about me killing the brats.) Hexblade: .....His stare IS kinda creepy.... Skral: *He turns his attention to Zero.* (And then there’s this brat here. He has no stance, he’s holding his weapon as if it’s his first time fighting. He’s clearly the easiest to take out.) *He looks over the three once more starting from left to right.* (So we have the curiosity, the main fighter, and the weakling. So, the best course of action would be......) *He turns his attention to Ocelot, flexes his arms as his talons become sharper and more prominent.* YOU! Ocelot: !!! Skral: *He thrusts his talons to impale Ocelot. His arm is knocked aside as Hexblade bashes Skral’s arm using both hands with one of his swords.* Hm? Hexblade: *His eyes make contact with Skral’s beady black eyes through his mask.* Skral: Peh. Ocelot: *Without hesitating, he swings his dagger at Skral’s neck.* Skral: *The dagger makes contact with his neck, but like any other blade, merely makes a spark and no actual wound is created.* Tch. *Nevertheless, Skral jumps back and away from the pair.* Zero: HA! *He comes behind Skral and swings his blade directly down on Skral’s skull.* Skral: *The blow makes no visible marks, but Skral’s head bobs as the blade makes contact.* How bothersome....*His tail whips about and moves to impale Zero.* Hexblade: *Again Hexblade comes to the rescue, knocking Zero back and Skral’s tail away.* Skral: *He backs up again.* Brat. It may not be able to cut me, but I still have a splitting headache though. *He rubs his head.* Hexblade: You could always just quit and go home if it bothers you that much. Skral: Psht. Considering that you haven’t really harmed me at all, and that these two ‘comrades’ of yours only seem to be a burden on you, I think I got this in the bag already. *He takes a final bite of the spine he had.* The only real problem is you. *He gets down on his hands and feet, poising his skull as if to ram someone. Without warning, his skull spouts two horns, which makes it now resemble a bull’s.* Hexblade: I see... Skral: *He charges.* Hexblade: *He looks to Zero.* You okay to move? *Zero nods.* Good. *The six blades form a makeshift shield in front of Hexblade, with all the tips of the blades touching. Skral rams it in an attempt to break through it.* Hm.... Skral: Something wrong Hexblade? Hexblade: No actually. I thought that attack would be stronger. I can do this. *Two of the blades which are opposite each other break away from the shield and thrust at Skral. Skral jumps back.* Hm. For someone who is impossible to cut, you sure seem to want to avoid my blades. Skral: *He stands up straight, which shows that he’s not as short as he seemed. He even strikes more fear into the group then before.* Natural reaction. And it’s not like I don’t feel the blades when they hit me. Hexblade: Afraid of getting hurt? Skral: No. It’s just....uncomfortable. *He lifts his arm to his mouth.* Ocelot: What’s he doing now? Hexblade: We’ll find out. Skral: *He opens his mouth and bites on the razor-blade like segment that grew on his arm at the beginning.* Zero: Is he eating himself? Bizz: Gross! Hexblade: *He raises an eyebrow.* I didn’t think you could do that. What exactly do you intend to grow now? *The four others look at Hexblade.* Ocelot: What are you talking about? Skral: *He swallows.* Observant of you Hexblade. Hexblade: When he devours any kind of bone marrow, he can grow something. Remember earlier when he was eating that person’s spine. How it ‘made him stronger’? Soon after he grew those razors on his arm. Then he grew the horns. I didn’t think by devouring himself he could grow something though. Skral: Indeed I can. *He chews on his other arm’s razors.* Zero: So are we gonna sit here and let him eat!? Let’s get him before he can do something! *He charges.* Hexblade: Zero! Wait! Zero: HA! *He swings his blade down on Skral.* Skral: *This time he grabs the blade with one of his hands.* Not this time brat. *He takes a final bite out of the razor. Two more arms grow out of his side.* Zero: !! Skral: *He grabs Zero’s other arm with his original left arm, and his two new arms go in for the kill.* Die! Hexblade: *He blocks the extra arms with three blades each.* Zero, you idiot. Are you alright? Zero: Sorry. Yeah.. Skral: Not for long. *His talons that are holding Zero dig into his arm. Zero screams in pain and drops his sword.* Hexblade: Zero! Skral: Worry about yourself Hexblade! Hexblade: !! *Skral’s tail hovers behind his shoulder and poises as if to pierce Hexblade’s face.* (It’s longer than before! Did he make that grow too?!* Skral: You’re head is mine! *The tail aims for Hexblade’s face.* Ocelot: EL BANDITO GRANDE!! *He jumps into the air and comes down on Skral’s tail with his dagger, saving Hexblade.* Skral: *His attention turns to Ocelot.* You! *His tail jumps to attention on Ocelot.* Hexblade: *He gives Skral a hard uppercut, which disorients the skeletal creature. He grabs Zero and pulls him back.* Ocelot! Ocelot: Right! *He quickly runs to Hexblade.* What do you need? Hexblade: Keep him from getting to Zero. I got it from here. Zero: N-no-! Hexblade: You can’t lift a sword with those wounds. You two did great. I’ve got it from here. *He turns to Bizz and Freohr.* Hexblade: Freohr. You’re up. Wait for my signal. Freohr: Oh- Okay! Bizz: Is Zero- Hexblade: He’s fine. Skral: *He gets up.* Bastard.... Hexblade: What? Blades didn’t work, so I gave you the old boxer style. What’s wrong with that? Though it did hurt my hand....*He shakes his right hand to ease the pain.* Skral: What’s this? Gonna fight on your own like a man now? Hexblade: Hey, you’re the one that said he was up for taking on three at a time. It’s your fault this has been so troublesome. Skral: ...Guess so. Doesn’t matter now. Just you and me. Hexblade: Yup. You and me...and Freohr. *He gives a thumbs up.* Freohr: *She holds a lightning tome and finishes her chant. A bolt of lightning strikes Skral.* Skral: GRRR!!!! *He keels over, slightly paralyzed by the direct hit.* Hexblade: PRINCESS! NOW!! Skral: *He looks up.* Eh?! Princess Kilvas: *She swoops down from a building and heads for Skral.* Glory to the Kilvas Ravens! Skral: *Clutching himself.* A bird?! Princess Kilvas: *She flies right up to Skral, and before he can react she starts pecking at his eyes.* Skral: GAHH!!! *His scream nearly shatters the glass around them as he howls in pain. As Princess pecks both his eyes out, he swings wildly at a foe he can no longer see.* Hexblade: Princess! That’s good! Pull back! Freohr! Freohr: Got it! *She sends another lightning bolt onto Skral.* Skral: *Still howling in pain from the loss of his vision, his pain is further increased by another direct hit.* RAGH!!! YOU BASTARDS!!! Hexblade: *He charges Skral and bashes him left and right with his swords at a far enough distance so that he would avoid Skral’s wild flails.* Skral: GRGH!!!! *The bashes from the blades as usual leave no wounds but they disorient him, and the creature falls to the ground. Hexblade: *He hops back to the group.* Let’s get out of here. *He opens a portal and the group rushes through, Ocelot carrying Zero.* Skral: GRAGH!!! *He slips as he tries to get up.* You...! You dirty fuckers! I’ll get you for this!! I SWEAR IT!!! NYGH!! *He succumbs to gravity and lays on the ground, his near empty eye sockets oozing something that could only be considered as blood for his particular species. He screams one last painful cry which echos across the city.* To Be Continued Next Episode: Forest of Shadows. Edited October 13, 2008 by Lyle Dayek Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess Kilvas Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 Wow, that was epic! I like your fights! =D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted October 13, 2008 Author Share Posted October 13, 2008 (edited) Wow, that was epic! I like your fights! =D Lol. Thanks! I had two good ones in a row. I've gotten a little better at them. Once I figured out where I wanted to end, the rest of the pieces fell together perfectly. Edited October 13, 2008 by Lyle Dayek Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TLSothe Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 That's impressive! Nice fightscene! ^_^ Shuuda: Tell it to a novel's author. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zero the Hero Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 Awesome fights! Your fights are very similar to the fights in Bleach. This should be animated. Nice work! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted October 13, 2008 Author Share Posted October 13, 2008 Awesome fights! Your fights are very similar to the fights in Bleach. This should be animated. Nice work! Hm. They are a little. I take a lot of ideas/have similar ideas to the themes in Bleach. Hence Kenpachi being a mamber of the syndicate. (It wasn't easy getting him to join. XD) Plus I was watching the subbed version of Diamond dust rebellion. So I probably got a few things from that Lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freohr Datia Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 D= MORE MORE MORE MORE!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted October 13, 2008 Author Share Posted October 13, 2008 D= MORE MORE MORE MORE!!! What am I a machine? XD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freohr Datia Posted October 14, 2008 Share Posted October 14, 2008 What am I a machine? XD Yes, you are my machine and I respect you! =) You're going to make more anyway! xP Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted October 14, 2008 Author Share Posted October 14, 2008 Yes, you are my machine and I respect you! =)You're going to make more anyway! xP Lol. I'm working on the next chapter right now. ^^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted October 14, 2008 Author Share Posted October 14, 2008 New Episode: Forest of Shadows. Hexblade: *He sits down and leans on a tree.* Phew. Boy was that rough. Princess Kilvas: *She rushes over to Zero.* Zero! Are you alright!? Zero: Y-yeah...but I left my sword. Hexblade: Don’t worry about that. How are your arms. Zero: Sore...But I think I’ll be okay. Hexblade: *He pulls up Zero’s sleeves and examines the wounds.* Hm. We have to wrap these up, but you should be fine. Bizz: *She sighs in relief.* What about that guy? He’s gonna be angry.... Hexblade: He’s probably angry right now. But we don’t have to worry about that right now. Some good came out of it though. Ocelot: Huh? What? Hexblade: Well, I got to see pretty much all of you in action, and I’ve figured out what’s wrong with Zero’s fighting style. Zero: Huh? You did? Hexblade: Yes. But right now let’s get those wounds wrapped up. *He looks around.* Hm. I don’t suppose we’ll find a healer around here.... Freohr: Um! Hexblade: Yes? Freohr: Um. I’m not very good but....*She pulls a staff out of a bag she had on her side.* Hexblade: Oh. Well, that was probably a good idea to bring that. And it’s not like they’re severe wounds. No matter how bad you are you could heal this at least. Freohr: *Her face turns red.* Ocelot: *In Hexblade’s ear.* Probably not a good idea to make her feel bad about her skills. Hexblade: *Raises an eyebrow at Ocelot’s words.* Eh. Give it a shot Freohr. It couldn’t hurt. At least I don’t think.... Freohr: *She nervously places the staff near Zero’s wounds.* Um...just hold still. Zero: ........I can’t move them anyway really..... Freohr: Oh. Um. Yeah...*The staff glows and Zero’s wounds start to close.* Princess Kilvas: Good job Freohr! Freohr: Wha?! Oh! Um. Thank you Princess! Hexblade: Why are you so nervous? Relax. Freohr: I’m sorry sir! Hexblade: *He rubs his forehead. And lets out an inaudible grunt.* Bizz: Where are we anyway? Hexblade: Beats me. *They look around and find themselves in a gloomy looking forest. The trees are extremely tall and there seems to be no wildlife.* This could be a whole lot of places. Ocelot: You were the one who brought us here, shouldn’t you know? Hexblade: It’s not like I have the layout of the planes memorized. Geeze... Princess Kilvas: I don’t like this place.... Bizz: Me neither. It’s too creepy... Hexblade: Would you rather go back to the place where the pissed off uncut able skeleton dude is? Princess Kilvas: ....This place isn’t too bad. Bizz: It’s kinda nice in a certain light.. Freohr: Okay! I’m done... Zero: *He tests out his arms.* Wow! They feel good as new. Freohr: *She blushes.* R-really? Hexblade: Good job Freohr. Take a break. Freohr: Thank you! *She sits down and smiles to herself.* Zero: So...can you tell me what I do wrong in battle? Hexblade: Hm. Bizz, give me your sword. Bizz: Huh? Oh. Okay. *She unsheathes her sword and hands it to him.* Hexblade: *He unsheathes one of his own blades. The he holds them up in front of Zero.* See Bizz’s sword? Zero: ...Yeah? Hexblade: Notice the way it’s built. The blade is sharpest near the tip. Which means it’s meant to slice things. *He holds up his own sword.* Now my sword is different. My sword is just as sharp at the hilt, as it is at the tip. So my sword is mostly meant for chopping. But it’s still sharp at the tip, so I can use it for slicing if need be. Zero: What does that have to do with anything? Hexblade: Well, the way you battle is like you’re chopping things. So you need a weapon that is more suited for that. Zero: So I need a sword like yours? Hexblade: Wrong. The sword you had was already a chopping sword. In fact it was so clearly a chopping sword that it was ridiculous. Zero: So....I need to change my style to slicing? Hexblade: No. Zero: Then what kind of sword do I need!?! Hexblade: None. You’re not fit to use a sword. *The group stares at Hexblade.* Zero: WHAT?!!? *He grabs Hexblade by the collar of his shirt.* Hexblade: What’s with the outburst? Zero: Who the hell do you think you are suddenly saying I’m not fit to fight!? You’re the one that told me- Hexblade: Shut up and listen before you start yelling! *He slaps Zero’s hand away.* I SAID you’re not fit to use a SWORD. There are other weapons to use. Zero: ...Then which kind of weapon should I use? Hexblade: Thing about it. You’re good at chopping things. Ocelot: I know! A spear! Hexblade: *He facepalms.* No you idiot. An AXE. Princess Kilvas: An axe? Hexblade: Yes! And I know the perfect guy to get you a good one. For now. *He hands Zero one of his own swords.* Use this. Zero: ...You sure? Hexblade: I’ve got five of them. And if I ever really need it, I’ll just steal it back with my aura. *He tosses Bizz’s sword back, it lands between her feet.* Bizz: *She gapes at it with wide eyes.* Be careful with that!! Hexblade: You need to be prepared. *He stands up.* That’s how I’ve survived this long. I’m prepared for anything and everything that comes my way. *Without warning something bashes into Hexblade’s head at high speed causing him to fall over from the impact. He lands face first into the ground.* ???: *A small purple bear/kangaroo creature with wings sits on the ground and makes a little squeaking sound. It shakes it’s head recovering from the impact.* Princess Kilvas: AWW!!! It’s so cute!!! Hexblade: *Steam coming out of his ears as he mumbles to himself.* Whatever the fuck it is, I’m gonna have it for breakfast... Freohr: Aww! Look at it’s cute little nose! Bizz: And it’s belly! It’s so adorable! ???: *The creature just stares at the three girls swooning over it vacantly. Clearly wondering what the creatures in front of him were, but thinking to itself that they couldn’t harm him at the least.* Ocelot: You know...at any point that thing’s gonna turn into a monster and eat us. Hexblade: *Still steaming, he stands up, adjusts his mask into it’s proper place and starts walking over to the critter.* Not if I eat it first. Zero: *Staring at the creature, almost with the same look as the critter itself.* Um...What is that thing? Princess Kilvas: It’s adorable! Freohr: It’s precious! Hexblade: It’s dead. *He picks up the creature by the scruff of it’s neck.* So. You gonna apologize? ???: *The creature turns it’s head to one side, curiously looking at Hexblade.* ..... Hexblade: ... ???: *The creature sneezes and a spurt of fire comes out and hits Hexblade in the face.* Hexblade: OW!! *He drops the critter and it lands on the ground and makes a little ‘Bou’ sound.* Princess Kilvas: AWW! I call dibs on him! Bizz: Hey! Freohr: No fair! Hexblade: I saw him first! He was coming at me at 50 MPH and I want that sucker for breakfast! Princess Kilvas: No! *She picks the creature and cuddles it in his arm.* I’m gonna name him Linux! Freohr: Aww! I wanted to name him! Bizz: Me too! I wanted to name him Bizzaroo! Zero: Bizz, that’s you’re name... Bizz: I know, but still! Ocelot: ...Your full name is ‘Bizzaroo’? Bizz: Yeah. Why? Hexblade: No reason... *He raises an eyebrow and he and Ocelot exchange a look.* Zero: *He folds his arms.* Still, that thing was moving fast. Hexblade: No kidding. <_< Zero: It looked like it was running from something. Hexblade: Hm. What was it running from I wonder.. *Loud footsteps are heard throughout the forest, and in the direction that Linux came from, the trees are falling down, or being pushed to the side.* Hexblade: Just one thing right after another... *A Knight encased in armor from head to toe emerges from the woods. It’s movements seem mechanical and on the parts where the knight does not have armor, there only seems to be a dark formless mass. The group panics as it makes it’s way to them.* Freohr: What is that?! Hexblade: *He draws his blades.* ......A shade knight To Be Continued Next Episode: Takedown. 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Princess Kilvas Posted October 14, 2008 Share Posted October 14, 2008 Yaayy!! I love how you introduced Linux!! It was perfect! =D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted October 14, 2008 Author Share Posted October 14, 2008 Yaayy!! I love how you introduced Linux!! It was perfect! =D Lol. Thanks. I loved that too. It also set up a little relationship between Hexblade and Linux that I think will be fun to mess with. XD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess Kilvas Posted October 14, 2008 Share Posted October 14, 2008 Lol. Thanks. I loved that too. It also set up a little relationship between Hexblade and Linux that I think will be fun to mess with. XD Yeah. XD Anyway, keep up the good work! =D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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