In which blah the Prussian blind reacts to FE Fates: Conquest

[blah the Prussian]

So, got Fates for my birthday, decided to do this. Warning, I am a snarky asshole, who will say snarky things. Chances are if you like the story of Fates you will hate me. Yes, I do like Cinemasins. In any case, this is conquest, here we go.

Prologue:

-In the opening cutscene, Ryouma charges a bunch of Nohrian troops apparently without backup. A scene later, we see him surrounded by Hoshidan troops. What?

-Every time someone says "Nohrian scum" I say to myself "thats racist!"

-If Xander and Ryouma were ever to actually fight, Xander would kick ass because he has a horse and Ryouma doesn't have a lance.

-So Corrin never wondered "Hey, why the fuck am I Asian while my siblings are white?" once? Really?

-How did Felicia ever get past her job interview, given how clumsy she is?

-The Nohrian capitol is ridiculously architecturally impractical. A squadron of Wyvern riders can breach it no problem.

-So since Garon is such a dick, why are his kids all so good? Freud is quite angered by Shin Kubayashi's ignorance!

-"Hey, Shin, how do we show the audience that this character is evil? "Oh, that's easy, we name him fucking IAGO!" You might as well name your villain Adolf Vessarionovich al-Baghdadi.

-So Hans is a smart guy, why does he do a suicide charge when there is no need for it?

-Why do the Hoshidan troops guarding the border not flank Corrin and co. after he uses Dragonvein? Hoshido deserve to lose this war; they fail strategy forever.

-How the fuck did the Pegasus Knight reinforcements know that Nohr was attacking? Do the Hoshidans have secret smartphone technology? They're based on Japan, not South Korea!

-So did Hans just turn himself invisible or some shit like that? Because I don't see how he could have escaped undetected.

-How did the Nohrians know Corrin was in danger? Given that it takes someone who isn't a moron on the level of the Duke of Brunswick only about 5-10 minutes to clear the chapter, that means that they would have had to have learned Corrin was in danger and left BEFORE CORRIN ARRIVED AT THE BRIDGE!

-Hey, Camilla is a cheater! She can't attack two people in one turn! Unless she has Galeforce, I suppose.

-How the fuck does Hans push Gunther off the bridge when Gunther is on a MOTHERFUCKING HORSE?

-Lillith ex machina.

-My Castle is a terrible mechanic that breaks immersion and should not have been integrated into the main story in any capacity.

-How on earth did Corrin think Dragon!Lillith was a bird? I know he's supposed to be sheltered, but I think my dog is smarter than him!

-For that matter, how is Corrin such a good tactician? At least for Robin they hand waved it by saying that he was a tactical prodigy, but here they don't even pay lip service to it! Corrin spent most of his childhood imprisoned in a fortress! He has no tactical experience! Its almost as if there is some external force guiding his movements who is also very clever and handsome.

-Because that one Hoshidan soldier just happened to be standing right at that spot to capture Corrin, the rest of the game can happen. Thanks, Hoshidan soldier!

That's all for now, folks! Expect more snarkiness and assholery as soon as I get back to playing the game, whenever that may be! Based on Thane's absolutely glowing review of the Nohrian story, I'm assuming I'll have a lot more to talk about!

[The DanMan]

I'm not quite sure we need another massive, blatant salt thread.

I will say this: overall, I like My Castle. It's a nice distraction that puts a spin on the standard armory system, as well as other things. I wouldn't say it's a terrible mechanic; yeah, trying to integrate it into the story is dumb, but that's probably the least offensive thing that can be done.

[blah the Prussian]

I'm not quite sure we need another massive, blatant salt thread.

I will say this: overall, I like My Castle. It's a nice distraction that puts a spin on the standard armory system, as well as other things. I wouldn't say it's a terrible mechanic; yeah, trying to integrate it into the story is dumb, but that's probably the least offensive thing that can be done.

This isn't a salt thread; its tongue in cheek.

[The DanMan]

This isn't a salt thread; its tongue in cheek.

Eh, as soon as somebody mentions Thane (no offense) I instinctively think of dead horse beating.

That said, I recognize that it is tongue-in-cheek; I'm just wondering how long it will stay that way.

[BruceLee]

nvm. have fun.

Edited March 31, 2016 by BruceLee

[EricaofRenais]

Thanks for the laugh, this to me was very funny. I find so many flaws in all the paths that I just try to think of them as funny and laugh at them because if I didn't I would not enjoy the game play as much as I do.

[Lanko]

-If Xander and Ryouma were ever to actually fight, Xander would kick ass because he has a horse and Ryouma doesn't have a lance.

You got it wrong here. Ryoma wins because Xander's horse broke its legs after jumping off that cliff.

[JSND Alter Dragon Boner]

You got it wrong here. Ryoma Nagare wins because Raijinto

fixerino frappucino moccacino

[blah the Prussian]

You got it wrong here. Ryoma wins because Xander's horse broke its legs after jumping off that cliff.

...conceded.

[twice]

It was fun reading this lol

[Dark Holy Elf]

I get pretty tired with some of the salt threads too but this was funny; please do continue.

-Hey, Camilla is a cheater! She can't attack two people in one turn! Unless she has Galeforce, I suppose.

She might also have whatever skill Jarod has in Radiant Dawn. I want that skill.

[saisymbolic]

LOL. I laughed at this. Give me more snark.

[eclipse]

In which I attempt to answer. Badly.

-Every time someone says "Nohrian scum" I say to myself "thats racist!"

You mean "historically accurate".

-So Corrin never wondered "Hey, why the fuck am I Asian while my siblings are white?" once? Really?

You will NOT like the answer to this (requires Revelations). But the reverse can apply to Azura.

-How did Felicia ever get past her job interview, given how clumsy she is?

Nepotism. Again, "historically accurate, and a much better depiction of the government than most other FE games".

-"Hey, Shin, how do we show the audience that this character is evil? "Oh, that's easy, we name him fucking IAGO!" You might as well name your villain Adolf Vessarionovich al-Baghdadi.

That's the fault of the localization. His Japanese name was something like Macbeth. Yeah.

-Why do the Hoshidan troops guarding the border not flank Corrin and co. after he uses Dragonvein? Hoshido deserve to lose this war; they fail strategy forever.

"But sir, you said NOT TO MOVE!"

-How the fuck did the Pegasus Knight reinforcements know that Nohr was attacking? Do the Hoshidans have secret smartphone technology? They're based on Japan, not South Korea!

Remember how units would appear out of forts during story cutscenes in the Fire Emblems of old? The thing that makes no sense is WHY they took so long!

-How did the Nohrians know Corrin was in danger? Given that it takes someone who isn't a moron on the level of the Duke of Brunswick only about 5-10 minutes to clear the chapter, that means that they would have had to have learned Corrin was in danger and left BEFORE CORRIN ARRIVED AT THE BRIDGE!

You'll need Birthright/Revelations to answer this question. The short answer is that time passes much faster in-game than out here. If you stall out a skirmish, you'll see the background shift through the phases of the day.

-For that matter, how is Corrin such a good tactician? At least for Robin they hand waved it by saying that he was a tactical prodigy, but here they don't even pay lip service to it! Corrin spent most of his childhood imprisoned in a fortress! He has no tactical experience! Its almost as if there is some external force guiding his movements who is also very clever and handsome.

Well, "handsome" isn't exactly an adjective used to describe me, but I'll take it~!

Take the time to stop and think, rather than posting from the hip, so to speak. Snark is amusing, but well-thought out snark is much more valuable - and rare.

[saisymbolic]

But this solely for Conquest, though. I'm assuming he hasn't played the other games.

[eclipse]

But this solely for Conquest, though. I'm assuming he hasn't played the other games.

Yeah, which kinda sucks, since there's a bunch of context that'll be missing. Like the skirmish-time-skip thing.

[Jakkun]

Take the time to stop and think, rather than posting from the hip, so to speak. Snark is amusing, but well-thought out snark is much more valuable - and rare.

+10 respect points from Jakkun.

So far, I like this thread. I just hope it doesn't end like any other thread that dares to even mention conquest's story. On that note, my thoughts are similar to TheDanMan's.

[blah the Prussian]

Wait, so Macbeth is so much better? I mean, Macheth is the most infamous Shakespeare villain of all time, save perhaps for Tybalt.

[eclipse]

Wait, so Macbeth is so much better? I mean, Macheth is the most infamous Shakespeare villain of all time, save perhaps for Tybalt.

I dunno, what do YOU think? IMO I like Iago better - he reminds me of Jaffar's parrot.

[blah the Prussian]

I dunno, what do YOU think? IMO I like Iago better - he reminds me of Jaffar's parrot.

Well if it is Macbeth, Iago is probably based more on the Shakespeare villain than the Disney character. I do prefer Iago, I suppose, because Iago is much more of a villain than Macbeth.

[Dark Sage]

Well if it is Macbeth, Iago is probably based more on the Shakespeare villain than the Disney character. I do prefer Iago, I suppose, because Iago is much more of a villain than Macbeth.

He acts nothing like either of them though, so it's kind of a waste of perfectly good thematic names.

[Shadow Knight]

That's all for now, folks! Expect more snarkiness and assholery as soon as I get back to playing the game, whenever that may be! Based on Thane's absolutely glowing review of the Nohrian story, I'm assuming I'll have a lot more to talk about!

Best of luck in your Conquests excellency, Just remember that when story and characters fail there is only one system in fates that is fun no matter what:

Blut und Eisen!

[blah the Prussian]

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm back, this time with Chapters 4-6!

-Okay, first of all, while the Nohr castle was stupidly designed, I actually do like the Hoshido castle design.

-Why is Mikoto still Queen, and not Queen Dowager? Ryouma is clearly of age to be King, so given that Sumeragi is dead, she should be Dowager, right? The only country in history that gave the consort preference over the crown prince was Tsarist Russia, at least until... you know what, lets move on.

-Mikoto sends her two daughters out, one of whom cannot fight, when she knows that there are a bunch of vicious ogres attacking everything, WITHOUT PROTECTION?

-Ryouma, I swear, the next time you kill steal from me, I will cut you!

-The Faceless clearly have faces. Add false advertising to Nohr's crimes!

-Why don't the Hoshidans counterattack Nohr at any point? Presumably their army would be veterans from fighting the Faceless all the time, so they could at least try.

-So why doesn't Corrin know about Azura already? The Nohrian royals are nice people, they would presumably have remembered and missed Azura, and they probably would have told Corrin about it.

-If the Hoshidans were able to kidnap Azura so easily, why didn't they try it again? Surely having Elise or Leo too would help them. Then again, I'm not a strategist, so what do I know?

-"The Nohrians aren't bringing their best! They're bringing their dancers, their princes! I will build a wall, and make Nohr pay for it!"- Takumi Trump. Was I the only one really annoyed by this character?

-While the buildup to the choice is good, it is somewhat mitigated by the fact that you already made that choice when you bought the game.

-Drinking game: take a shot every time there's something that Kubayashi wrote that the debs obviously changed. For example: when Corrin is about to mention Elise as his sister, he is cut off. Why? This would be a great point of conflict between Corrin and his siblings, and then immediately followed by the death of Mikoto, it would make the choice a bit more gray, as the Hoshidans are still suspicious of Corrin.

-Holy shit, what the hell did Corrin's sword do to the city? We only see it firing like five shots, and its enough to Hiroshify it?

-So if Mikoto can do this barrier thing, why can't it keep the Faceless out? It's what I like to call "Selective barriering" or as I like to call it, "Making up powers as you go!"

-So now we know that Takumi Trump hates Corrin, but in the prologue dream thing, he seemed perfectly fine with Corrin. I know it was technically a dream, but still, what gives?

-I will admit, the choice scene, at least if you choose Nohr, is quite well done. Despite this: Xander, while fighting Ryouma, has the time to look across the bridge into the enemy's ranks, recognize Corrin, and carry on a conversation?

-This is a problem in other FE games, but I will mercilessly make fun of it here. Both sides are horrible international war criminals! Sakura and Elise are children, you sick fuck! #StopCorrin 2016.

-Ah fuck it. Yukimura's steampunk vehicle thing is pretty fucking awesome. It does beg the question, though: if the Hoshidans can so obviously use steam power, why do they only use it to give this one lazy bastard a robot dog to carry him around! Emperor Meiji Mikoto is not.

-Finally, even though Mikoto is dead, Ryouma is still not King yet. *sigh*

And that is all for the pre-decison phase of the game! Join me either later today or tomorrow as I dive into and react to the Nohr story!

[The DanMan]

Takumi has every right to be ticked off at Corrin. He's Nohrian, and then waltzes into the capitol and grabs everybody's attention, only to blow it up and kill their mother.

Yeah, I think Takumi has every right to be pissed.

Also, we know from the 25th anniversary book that very little was changed from Kibiyashi's draft, and in another interview they said they wanted a "simple story". Kibiyashi seems to have been oversold; plus, he's a busy guy who somehow churned out 1,500 pages for them. I'm just surprised that they weren't wary of quality.

And Yukimura's "Steampunk dog thing" isn't steampunk. It's got a wind-up gear on the back.

As for the Azura thing, ...it's more complex than you think.

Edited April 1, 2016 by The DanMan

[Nanima]

Yes, the game is quite set on villifying Takumi for the crime of not loving the MU immediately. Also his racism is because of him growing up with his nation constantly being attacked by Nohr whose king then killed his father and later his mom. Not to say it's good or anything, but people have been much more racist for far lesser reasons (*cough* Trump *cough*). Also he is hardly the only racist Hoshidan, Hinoka uses the phrase "Nohrian scum" as well, yet she doesn't get the same amount of hate. Ryouma too, and I could go on.

I feel Treehouse's decision to amp up the racism of Hoshido was a bad call, at least as far as Takumi goes. He already had plenty of aggression and greyness within him. Turning it all up and giving him a new catchphase was just superflous and feels like another way to make Corrin look better and more justified in everything.

Edited April 1, 2016 by Nanima²

[blah the Prussian]

Oh, Takumi can be pissed all he want after Mikoto's death, it just seems to me that being a dick to MU as soon as he meets him, as well as consistently being a dick to Azura, is well, dickish. Its not that he doesn't immediately love MU, its that he immediately hates MU.