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I have long contemplated doing this and I have decided that I will post the drafts of the novel I write here to get some feedback on what parts of the story, characters and world to improve/change. Keep in mind that the original version of this is written in German and that I have to translate it into English, which takes a lot longer than I expected, so updates might not be frequent (I have only written up to Chapter 6 of the original draft and only the first chapter is translated). Why do I take the time to translate this stuff? Well, I want to practice my translation skills, for one thing. And I thought I could give you guys something to sink your teeth into, since I don't know if this will ever end up getting published. I'm writing mostly for then fun of the craft itself, after all. I hope you enjoy this little trip into DragonFlames' mind. Feel free to roast me however you feel like it. But do it over here, please.
So I am currently in the middle of writing a novel and would like as much critical feedback as possible, but before I share it, I want to give a bit of detail on it. I've been working on this project for quite some time, and had spent a long amount of time planning it out; I know how I want it to begin and end, I know the characters that I want to focus on, and I know where I want them to go in the future. The story itself is a fantasy war story. It takes place in a different world than our own, and has a mix of morality, politics, religion, alchemy, and war. While it is primarily taken seriously, many of the characters try to make the best of the situation they are in and do whatever they can to stay as upbeat as possible. Focusing on three main characters, each of whom look at a different aspect of the conflict. I have the first four chapters plus the prelude done and will be putting them here to see to get any feedback thus far, and may add more down the line. I do hope to eventually publish it down the line, so any feedback would be great.
This is a story about my favorite Fire Emblem Awakening character Lon'qu. Give me as much critical feedback as you can. Every comment/post is appreciated. Written by:Mystletainn. <Prologue> Chon’sin I was just a young man then. Perhaps only 13 years of age. In a slum of Chon’sin I was born and raised, with no real family other than a girl only one year younger than myself. Her name… her name was Ke’ri, and she was my only friend. We would always be together, whether we were play sword fighting or chasing insects. She never left my side, and I her’s. We were but children then. On my 12th birthday I was going to start my sword training to protect her. I had to leave Ke’ri for the first time I can remember. I would be in southern Chon’sin learning the art of the blade from the greatest sword masters on Valm. I wasn’t there legally though. One had to have written permission from their mother, and had to be shown in by their father; neither of which I had, so I snuck in. I heard from thieves on the streets of Chon’sin that there were vines hanging off of an old tree near the back of the complex. However, the thieves were older and therefore heavier than I, so they could not climb them. I was able to climb the vines with ease though, but a larger dilemma than foliage faced me. The complex was made up of only four buildings, a dormitory for the boys, a dormitory for the older men, another for the masters, and then the training hall. Then there were the walls. Quite possibly the largest structures I have ever laid eyes upon, these walls could not be scaled. There were also at least ten feet separating the branch I was standing on from the top of the wall, with no room for me to get a running start. If I came close to the wall, I could have grabbed the statue. But that was still one hell of a leap. So I tried. And I fell. I awoke in the boy’s dormitory, with an aching back and numb legs. As my senses returned I got out of the cot and searched for anyone that might know what happened to me. I went to the training hall to seek out an instructor and found only one. He was sitting facing the doorway, legs crossed. His eyes were open but he didn’t acknowledge me. I started waving my arms, but he still paid no attention. I stepped closer, and as I climbed the stairs, there was a creak in the floorboards. As the sound echoed through the hall, the old man stood up and drew his sword. “Who approaches?” He said loudly, but in a whisper. “M-my name is Lon’qu.” I stuttered quietly. “Ahh, it’s you. The one that tried to climb the wall. Tell me, why are you here, young man?” The old man asked me. “I uh… I-” “Speak boy!” He shouted as he tapped his sword against the back wall of the training hall. “I wish to learn the ways of the sword!” I said hurriedly, not wishing to anger the old man further. He agreed to train me. The exercises were difficult. Every morning I would have to train before breakfast, then again directly after breakfast. This went on until I couldn’t train anymore. That time span would become longer each day. The old man said I was one of his quickest learning students. Perhaps my reason for such quick growth was the fact that there were no other students, almost as if the complex had been abandoned by all asides from this man. And in all my 3 years training at the complex, I never learned the old man’s name. I asked only once, and his exact words were “It matters not my name, my age, nor my origins. All that is important is the here and the now, all I have accomplished, and all I have surmounted to.” Finally I had to part ways with the old man and return to western Chon’sin. There, I would be with Ke’ri again, and now I could protect her from the dangers of the slum. Which I did, until I was 17, and she was 16. Then it happened. Ke’ri and I were in love, and I had finally saved up enough money through mercenary work to buy her a ring as beautiful as she. A silver band with a burning topaz in the center, which was the same bright color as her lucid eyes. I was going to marry her, and soon. My foolish self, however, didn’t notice the four rogues loitering about the market. They saw me purchase the ring and must have started following me in hopes to take it. They followed Ke’ri and me to our favorite getaway spot. A small ruined fort near a crashing waterfall and a single large cherry blossom tree. We sat down on a mossy rock near the waterfall and under the tree. I was about to pull out the ring when I heard the sharp “clink” of metal on rock. An arrow had hit just below our legs. “Oy, wut do we got here mates” “Aww look at deez two. Aint that sweet” “Ke’ri, leave now” I told her. “But Lon’qu I-“ “GO, LEAVE!” I had to keep her safe. “Aww aint yall cute. What do ya think hmm? Think that beautiful couple will last?” “Maybe, only if they hand ovah dat ring” “Take it then.” I slipped the ring on my smallest finger while drawing my blade. “What are they talking about Lon’qu? What ring? What’s going on?” “I’ll explain later Ke’ri, just stay back.” Two of the rogues came at me, one swinging his axe high, the other low. I dodged the first rogues attack and managed to stab the other before he got a chance to get too close. Then the first rogue threw a blind swing backwards and completely missed. I retaliated quickly and disarmed him. He attacked with a flurry of quick but inaccurate punches, but I managed to wound his arm and finish him with a slice to the torso. Another rogue had grabbed me from behind, his sweaty arm around my neck. I was barely able to slip out of the large mans grasp before he brought down his axe. A swift blow to his head with my free hand, then a kick to the groin and thrust with my blade down his hunched over back ended that beast of a man. Then the final man. Armed with only a bow he stood about 50 feet away. There was nowhere for me to run. The battle had brought us to an open field. I looked around for Ke’ri, prepared to throw her the ring. Then I saw her standing behind the rogue, holding one of the deceased bandit’s hand axes. She brought it down quickly, eyes shut and body tense. “Oh my gods, L-l-lon’qu.” She ran up and hugged me tightly. “Who were those men?” “I don’t know Ke’ri, but I saw them at the market where I bought your ring. They were clearly after it.” “Oh… *sob* Lon’qu.” She started crying quietly, her face buried in my chest. “Don’t be sad Ke’ri, you’re safe.” “How could I be sad Lon’qu” She looked up with a smile. “This is the happiest day of my life.” “What do you mean?” I asked, completely forgetting what I had the ring for. “Stop jesting Lon’qu. My answer is yes.” It all rushed back to me. I had completely forgotten. “So this means… You will be my wife?” “Yes, of course.” She said, tears drying on her face. “Here, Ke’ri.” I slipped the ring on her finger. She looked into my eyes, and I looked into hers. “Let’s go home now.” “Agreed.” And so we started heading back to the slum from which we both came from. The slum we both called home. “Lon’qu?” “Yes Ke’ri?” “We should move out of our slum once we get back there. Just pack up our things and leave. It will be like an adventure.” “That sounds great” I agreed. “Where were you thi-” “Ach, L-lon’qu…” “Ke’ri!” She had been stabbed by another rogue after her ring. “Hnngaa!” I threw my sword directly into his chest without skipping a beat. “Ke’ri, get up, please. Don’t leave me. I love you. You are the world to me, and I can’t let you die here.” “…L-leave me Lon’qu. I’m already gone. D-don’t take th-the… ring… you would b-be… putting yourself… in d-danger.” “Never, you’re coming with me.” “Goodbye… Lon’qu… My love.” “No…” So I took her to the cherry blossom tree, near the waterfall and old fort. I set her in the river, and held her hand one last time. “Goodbye, Ke’ri. My love. It matters not our names, our ages, nor our origins. All that is important is the here and the now, all we have accomplished, and all we have surmounted to.” But that old man forgot something. Something he possibly never had. Love. The here and now, accomplishments, and all we have surmounted to do not matter, if you had love.